Once you show weakness, they'll go in. They pick up on that. They love the fact that they can control you. What's the difference between timeout and removing the child from the fun? I hate timeout. I can't stand it. How do you really feel, Mom? Imagine if you made a mistake at work and your boss said, you go sit in the corner and you think about what you did. And then when you sit in the corner for five minutes, then he goes over and then he just he discusses what you did wrong. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started.
SPEAKER_00Okay, sugar lump, what are we talking about today?
SPEAKER_01Today's topic is all about toddlers. So we just have some general toddler parenting questions, and it's all about the parents' reaction to their toddler. Okay. Oh, okay. So I think before we get into the questions, because we have quite a few here, I think you haven't talked about your top five tips for parenting toddlers for a while, I think.
SPEAKER_00No, I just talked about it. I just did a live and I did it during a live. So I did just talk about it, just not on a podcast. So, okay,
I mean these are my top five tips for parenting toddlers. Number one, child proof your home so you never have to say no. And that's a bit of a stretch. You might still have to say no, but you're eliminating a lot of them. Number two, set up a toy rotation system so they're never bored. Uh, number three, you connect with toddlers in their world, never in your world. This can be reset for any age, really. But a good example is you don't take them out to a cafe to connect with them. It's okay, but a real stronger connection is you go to the park and roll down the hill with them. You play in their world with them. Okay, and number three, oh, I already said that one. Number four is you discipline toddlers in their world. It's kind of the same idea. They're not about words, they're about actions. You know that thing where the I've I've heard this said before, and I never I don't know what else is out there, but clients tell me stuff. You know that thing where they say when they're acting out or having a tantrum, you get on their level, you squat down, get on their level, hold their hands, get eye contact, and you say, use your words. That is so patronizing. Their tantrum, they're screaming, they're whatever, they're throwing things. That is their words. Those are their words. Respect that. Work with them in their world. Okay, you enter their world. Don't try and drag them up to your adult world. It's inappropriate. It's just ridiculous. Okay, so stop with these mini therapy sessions. You take action. You discipline them by using consistent corrective actions. If they do something naughty, you just say one word to start the discipline. You say no, and then you remove them from the fun or remove fun from them. If you don't have any fun to remove or remove them from, just remove yourself. Say no, and then you can just leave the room. They'll start to get the message. And number five, stop trying to figure them out. By the way, to me, a toddler is 16 to 35 months. So stop trying to figure them out. They're not figure outable. They might even stick their hands down their pants and some mere poop on the wall. Can you figure that one out? You know, they're just brand new. They're just gonna try stuff. They have no context of the world, they don't have any wisdom or experience yet. They're just brand new, fresh human beings. Imagine if you've only been in the world for two years and the first year you were a potato laying on a mattress. Have respect for that. They're gonna try stuff. Okay, it just doesn't always make sense, and they might not try it just once. They might try it a hundred times. But when you get good at this consistent corrective actions, you're diminishing the bad bad behavior over a period of time. It's not gonna happen
right away.
SPEAKER_01I think one more thing I want you to touch on before we get into the questions is you've talked a little bit more lately about what real connection actually looks like.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, real connection, and it's such a hard thing. I haven't got a real, like what do they call that where you just have one sentence that sort of sums it up? A real connection is in their world. So it's it's when you're in their world and when you are showing pure joy at being with them. It's when you're truly enjoying them. That is the ultimate connection. It's not going to happen constantly every single time necessarily, but that is when you're that's the gold in the connection. Is let's say you're playing blocks with them and all the blocks fall over and you both think it's hilarious and you both start laughing. That is connection. That's the ultimate connection. Just playing blocks with them is great. But if you both really like both belly laugh, and obviously you're you're in that state of joy, so are they, and they understand what's just happening. That is the ultimate.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna give an example of this. Is my mom loves soap. You love your soap so much.
SPEAKER_00Oh, do I love soap? She, if I I love anything cleaning, myself, cleaning the my home. I just love cleaning.
SPEAKER_01If I asked to see her soap collection, she bounds towards it and shows me for 10 minutes going through each one, each bar, how she's gonna use it, why she's gonna use it in that order. And again, I have things like this. If you ask me about my cooking, I I light up. So I do think it's about that connection. It's obviously different because we're mother-daughter who are I'm 31, but it is that like you're connecting in someone's world.
SPEAKER_00In someone's world, they just light up. Like if she asks about my soap, it's like the pens which bar I'm using neck next, it's when the moon, the stars are all aligned in a certain way.
SPEAKER_01And it'll be like 30 minutes later, we'll be doing something totally different. You'll be like, oh, and one other thing about my soap. Oh, I forgot to mention.
SPEAKER_00And it's not even fancy soap, it's just standard soap you get at the supermarket. I just love my I love cleaning. But yeah, it's like that. You see, even now I'm all excited. Now I want to talk about soap. That's what kids are like. You show an interest in their world, they light up. I literally lit up when you were saying that. It's crazy. So it's like that. That's connection. See, now we're more connected. I know, I feel it. The energy just the energy has just shifted.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Okay, we'll get into the question.
So, Caitlin from the United States. What's the difference between timeout and removing the child from the fun? My toddler's two and a half years old. If he's hitting or not obeying, we remove him from the action and have him sit on the stairs for two minutes. He can still talk to us when he's in timeout and he can jump right back into play after. How is this different from removing the child from the fun?
SPEAKER_00Well, timeout is usually done alone. You send them off somewhere and they have to sit there and they usually are ignored, okay? But if you're sitting, time uh removing them from the fun is you take them with you for a couple of minutes or so. So you're sitting with them. Now, if they're screaming, you do ignore them. But if they're just being quiet and they're not acting out, then I would be chatting with them. But I don't chat about why they're sitting in timeout. I might just be talking about, oh, did we play blocks the other day? Wasn't that fun? I'm just making, you know, nice conversation with them. But not if they're screaming and all that, then I just ignore them. But yeah, timeout is generally done alone and uh and then just move removing them from the fun is done with you. They're with you. That's the difference. I hate timeout. I can't stand it. How do you really feel, Mom? I hate it.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the next one's Amanda from the United States. Because I think it's mean. Do you want to go more into it? Yeah, I do, obviously.
SPEAKER_00And I still want to talk about soap. Anyway, um, so yeah, timeout is like imagine if you made a mistake at work and your boss said, you go sit in the corner and you think about what you did. And then when you sit in the corner for five minutes, then he goes over and then you just he discusses what you did wrong. It it think about it. It's exactly like that. It's demoralizing, it's mean, it's it's just embarrassing, and it doesn't teach them any lesson. All they're doing when they're sitting in that naughty chair, whatever, they're just sitting there feeling like garbage. They're not thinking about what they did wrong and how they're gonna correct their behavior. They're just sitting there feeling like crap.
SPEAKER_01That's why I hate it. Okay, shall we get into the next question?
Okay, now. Amanda from the United States. I'm reaching out because I'm not sure what to do. We're really struggling without 21-month-old sleep. She's been a terrible sleeper since day one. Almost every night for weeks, she's been waking up crying, sometimes to the point of a complete breakdown. It takes so long, sometimes hours to get her back to sleep, and many times she still refuses. Sometimes the only solution is to have Mum lay with her. We've done all the things nightlight, sound machine, fan, different blanket. Lately, she's even been having trouble falling asleep. We have to sit beside her in bed until she's asleep. We even converted her crib to a taller bed to give her the ability to come and get to us if she's scared and she still just wakes up and cries till someone goes to get her. We do not believe that it's night terrors. It seems to be more like an attachment issue. We did have a second baby who she loves about three months ago, but the waking up in the middle of the night started before baby two was born. I'm at a loss on what to do. Is it just a phase?
SPEAKER_00Well, I my first question, if it was coaching, my first question would be you said, I have I have to sometimes get in bed with her. So then does she fall asleep quickly and easily when you're in bed with her? If she does, then this is a separation thing. If she doesn't, then she does have sleep issues, right? So even if you're cuddling in bed with her and she still has problems falling asleep, then that is the problem. It's not so much a behavioral thing, it's more that is the problem. But I'm not uh qualified to discuss that kind of stuff. It could go even into the medical stuff. Maybe she's not, I don't know. You you'd have to talk to the doctor if you're really concerned, if she really does have sleep issues. So anyway, but let's just go with the behavior stuff. So so when you do sleep with her, let's say she falls asleep right away. So then we know it's a behavioral issue or something we should be able to correct. So what you can do is I would never get in bed with her and you put her in a toddler bed, but she just yells for you to come and get her. She is really little, she's only 20 months old. I can see why she wouldn't get up, but I would rather her get out of bed and walk down the hall and find you. But you want to be sort of nearby where she can easily find you. Light up the place with night lights. So she shouldn't, I don't want her in the dark, okay, if she's scared. Make sure she has night lights in her room. Make sure you have night lights going down the hall. You want her to come out of her room. That's important. So you can walk her back to bed, and then you say you stay in bed now, and then you just keep, you do that again. Every time she gets out, you put her back to bed, kicking and screaming. Only one body part has to touch that mattress. The second time you put her to bed, you just say one word. You just say bedtime. Every time after that, you don't look at her or talk to her. But you look like you're half asleep. You don't look angry or anything, and you move slow. You you can be soothed. This can be a soothing thing too. Like you're just calmly walking her back to bed. But there's another level to this. If she's really struggling, she is still really young. So, what I would probably do with her at her age is I would set up a chair beside her bed, sit in that chair in the dark, like just with the nightlight, sit there and give her your hand. And you look like you're falling asleep in the chair. Do not let her crawl into your lap. You just keep putting her back in her bed and look like you're nodding off. You're right there. Okay. She's she has no reason to be scared. Another layer to this is does she sleep too much during the day? Does she have huge long naps? Maybe she's outgrown naps. My kids were really tiny when they outgrew regular naps, way younger than that. So yeah, uh, maybe she's just getting too much sleep and she's not tired by the time she goes to bed. That could be part of it too. Does that sound good enough? I got so many different ideas with that. But yeah, I like the idea because of her age, setting up a chair for you beside her bed and then look like you're nodding off. You don't talk to her, you don't do you just give her your hand. She can hold your hand and you can rub her back if you want, but don't look at her and don't talk to her. Look like you're falling asleep.
SPEAKER_01Is it the idea that you want it to be as boring as possible?
SPEAKER_00Oh, yes. You want to look like you couldn't be more boring.
SPEAKER_01She's got no reason to stay awake because you couldn't be more boring. You talk about that. Is that sometimes it's like they hear you out having a party outside?
SPEAKER_00Well, that's another level to it, too. Yeah, you don't want to sound like you're having a partee out there. Like you just, if she does come out to get you, just be sitting there reading books or something. Like look like you're not talking or anything because you you're going through this process with her, okay? So you want to make there's no real reason to get out of bed because nothing exciting is happening. Okay. The next one's But by the way, she's too young to think that through. That's why I didn't really talk about that at her age. She's just too young. She's in her own little world at that point. Anyway, go on.
My daughter, who's two, is having a very hard time of becoming a big sister to her little sister, who's six months old. She snatches toys from the baby, tells us, I don't want the baby here anymore, and will try to put things on the baby's head like a towel or blanket. It was getting better, but recently felt like it was getting worse again. I was home for six months, recently went back to work to the office three days a week, which I think has something to do with this. She's home between different grandparents and my husband, so she's always in the comfort of her own home with people that she loves very much. How do I help her to love her sister and be kind and have kind words? What I am doing must not be enough, and I feel very sad about it.
SPEAKER_00It could just take time too. They're all different, right? So, um, but yeah, if you have a six-month-old and a two-year-old who's not adjusting very well, I would make sure that whenever you've got the six-month-old, I'd be talking to the two-year-old so that you holding the six-month-old does not sort of diminish your attachment to her. You can still be talking to her. Also, when you're playing with her, have the six-month-old there and you have the six-month-old sitting there, but you're not trying to include them so much, but you're right there with the six-month-old. In other words, you want the proximity to the six-month-old to be a positive, okay? Because you're playing with her, playing blocks or magnetiles or whatever, but you're holding the six-month-old. Okay. The six-month-old gets fussy, hopefully pass it off to dad. It pass her off to dad. Um, so yeah, you want her to associate positivity with the six-month-old.
SPEAKER_01I want to touch on this because I do hear this kind of sentiment a lot from parents who are they have the two under two or two under three, is that they almost feel like it's their fault that their toddler is not getting along with a baby.
SPEAKER_00Um, yeah. Well, it is your fault that you had kids close in age. If you've got a two-year-old and a newborn, that's kind of your fault. I mean, yeah, it's not always going to be smooth sailing. So yeah, uh, I wouldn't worry about it. You know, they're all different. Some of them are just really easy going and it's not gonna bother them. Uh, don't it's just a glitch in parenting. Like they should get over it eventually. They get used to having that baby around. But you want the association to be positive with the baby. You don't want that every time that they you pick up the baby that they're ignored. Okay. That's why I went on to that. But yeah, they're all different. Some of them could care less if a baby's there and they won't ever bother them. Some of them want to mother the baby or be around the baby and are really good to them. They're all different. You've just got a two-year-old. They're unpredictable. Okay. So yeah, don't worry, it's not your fault. They're just gonna, they're all different.
SPEAKER_01I think that's just an important thing that I wanted to note, especially with it's like toddler parent age, is you might go to a playgroup and then the lady next to you is like, oh, they're just so sweet and gentle and they're so kind. And like that can be hard to not compare yourself.
SPEAKER_00I see this a lot. When I'm out with my granddaughter and I do like group events with little toddlers in that, and I see there's often one who's just a holy terror. You know, the one that's hitting all the other kids, throwing them trying just a disaster, right? Getting into just one mess after the other, trying to hurt everyone. That mother is humiliated. Like she's like, what's wrong with me? It's not your fault that he's has that in him, but it is your job to train him out of it eventually. Okay. Usually by the age of three, that stuff can stop if you're a good leader. But until then, I always feel sorry for those parents because all these other kids are just sitting there around the circle singing, and your kids running around bonking everyone on the head.
SPEAKER_01But you talk about that that high energy can be a real asset in the future.
SPEAKER_00It can be. I mean, that could be the kid that's the leader of tomorrow. You know, it doesn't, it it's not necessarily a bad personality trait. It's a bad toddler trait, yes, but overall it can turn into a real positive down the road. So it doesn't mean that they're evil. They're just toddlers. They're just, you know, people overthink it too much, is what I'm saying. Okay, the next one's Misty from the United States. My daughter's two years old. Oh, sorry. One thing I want to say is, and you touched on this, when sometimes a mother will say, uh, and I've seen this before too. So let's say there's a mom who's just at breaking point. I can see it. She's at breaking point, she's just about to cry. And someone will say, Yeah, you know, my kid hit once too, and I just told them no. And I very gently just said no, and they understood and they didn't do it again. That what do I call that? Uh perfect poly. The perfect polys, yeah. All I did was this. You didn't have a kid who had that in it, probably. You see, like I don't like that. I don't like it when you make it sound like all I did was this. Yeah, it's gonna take time. Toddlers do not learn right away, and they're all different. They have different temperaments. There's four things they're either born to do or they're never gonna do. One of them is aggressive behavior, the other one is climbing, another one is running away from you in public, another one is tantrums. Those are four things they're either born to do or they're never gonna do. It's not your fault that they start doing them, but it is your responsibility to train them out of it over a period of time. But yeah, those perfect pollies, they probably never had an aggressive child in the first place. They just had a kid who maybe tried hitting once. So yeah, don't listen to those people. You know what I say? If I see a mom in a supermarket and she's really going through it, she's got a kid who's having a tantrum, I always walk past her and just say, been there. And usually they'll go, Oh, thanks.
unknownThanks.
SPEAKER_00You're not alone, in other words, you're not alone.
SPEAKER_01I feel like you see that in all areas. Like if somebody was maybe born into money and just of it's always just come easy, and they go, Oh, well, if you need some money, just sell some of the items in your closet, you know? Like Chanel really goes for a lot these days.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's like saying, Well, I don't know why people worry about money because we weren't born with a silver spoon in our hand in our mouths like you were. So yeah, it's like that. I mean, a lot of it's the luck of the draw, right? You just get a kid, a kid who's super easy, a toddler who's super easy, or you might get one who is uh a little Tasmanian devil, but they they can learn not to be that way.
Okay, the next one's Misty from the United States, daughters too. As of about two weeks ago, car rides have become quite difficult. During a car ride, I will usually give her a car toy and her water. Recently, she's decided to throw her water almost immediately and then call my name and cry the entire car ride for me to grab the water. I'm obviously driving, so I'm unable to get the water for her. So typically her behavior escalates a bit and she will throw her toy and her shoes eventually. I've made the mistake of reaching back and grabbing her water for her again, and she will just throw it again. So I've started to just let her cry the entire drive and turn up the music a bit to ignore. I also will not grab her water or toy for her until we are done without drive. Is this the correct way to do it? What would you do? How would you handle the situation? Should I not give her anything in the car? It's become quite frustrating of an experience for me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you already answered it. You gave her weapons, you gave her something to throw. Uh, she doesn't need any food or drink. I'm sure she gets that when she's not in the car, right? I would wait till I get somewhere. No food, drink, toys, and take her shoes off so she can't take them off and throw those. Don't let her have a weapon. And also in the car, maybe put some of her music on and then sing the songs. If she starts screaming, just let the music play quietly and just ignore her. Don't turn the music up. It's like you're trying to match her. You don't want to like do that. You just want to keep the music quieter. And then eventually she should stop because she's gonna learn that she's got nothing to throw. Her music on, make sure it's something that she likes. And then when she does stop acting out, then you can start quietly singing. If she starts screaming again, you stop singing, but let the music continue to play. You want it to be a background soothing thing, but your singing could be, it can antagonize her even more. So if she does start screaming as soon as you start singing, stop singing. Go quiet. But yeah, don't give her weapons. I always say that. Parents will say, I don't know what to do. They're in the backseat throwing their toys at each other. Well, you've given them weapons and they're not getting along. You already told me they they fight all the time, and you're giving them all these weapons in the car, and then you're careening off the road trying because you're getting hit in the head. Yeah, they don't need they don't need toys or food or drink in the car. Okay, the next one's Donna from the Sorry. If you're doing a long trip, you want to take frequent stops that you can get out and feed them and you know play with them, run them around. So, but yeah. Sorry, babe. It's okay.
SPEAKER_01I think we need a counter for this episode every single time I've tried to start a question.
SPEAKER_00But I I always think of something else to say, but I'll try not, I'll try not to.
SPEAKER_01No, you're allowed to.
Okay, Donna from the United States. How do you address an 18-month-old who's biting and pulling his hair, his sister's hair?
SPEAKER_00Oh, uh, I don't know if she's older or younger, but that's really not the point anyway. Yeah, you just you just say no and then you pull him away from the sister, right? And you say no, and then you console the sister. He's a little bit young for this, but he is in the toddler stage. I consider a toddler 16 to 35 months. Okay, so he's in the top, so then you fuss over the sister. So if he grabs her hair, you say no, and then you go fuss over the sister. That is his discipline. So when you grab her hair, she gets lots of love and an attention. Okay, that is his discipline. That's his, you're showing him that that's the consequence for hitting your sister. But don't let him get con uh subsequent hits in. Don't trust him. So if he goes for her again, try to stop it, and then you fuss over her. Treat his attempt at a future hair pull just like he's pulled her hair. You go nope, and then you say to the sister, Oh, you're okay. He almost got you there. You see, you want to train him out of that, but it's gonna take time, by the way. Because she screams, you get upset. It's a big, it's a big accelerator for him. It's a bit of a high for him. Don't make it that way. Calm it down. You always talk slow, talk low. Say nope, and then you fuss over her. He will not like that. He'll learn eventually, by the way, that's gonna take a while. I'd say three to six weeks. Oh, I'm just giving you time to I know, and I purposely didn't want to say anything that time.
Okay, the next one is Esther from Spain. Two-year-old loves screaming when we're at home. He screams when he's happy, when he's excited, and even when he's calling for us. It doesn't seem to be out of anger, it's just his way of expressing himself. I've tried two different approaches. I calmly tell him that we don't scream indoors and ask him to use a quiet voice. He seems to understand in the moment, he even puts his fingers on his lips and says, shh, but within a few seconds, he's screaming again. I've also tried ignoring the behavior, hoping it won't be reinforced. However, I find it quite difficult to stay consistent because the screaming's loud and I'm worried about disturbing neighbors. I usually end up reminding him to stop, so I know I'm not being cons consistent. At this point, I feel lost. Is this just a normal phase for a two-year-old? Is there anything more effective that I can do to reduce the screaming?
SPEAKER_00Most kids will try it. Um, but uh, and then you say, God, you got my hands tied when you talked about the neighbors, because that's really tricky. Because you've got to let them scream. You gotta kind of let them scream at some point. But anyway, let's assume that the neighbors aren't involved yet or it's not that bad. Let's say they're out. Okay, so he's screaming, and then you go, ooh, I would touch my ears and I go, ooh, and then I'd walk away. But the problem with that is a lot of parents don't do the second step, which is as soon as he stops screaming, you go in. You say, Oh, do you want to read a book? As soon as he scream, he's gotta connect the dots. That as soon as I scream, I get ignored. But when I stop screaming, I get attention. It doesn't mean he gets attention all day long. But if he's been screaming and you ignore him, the second he stops, you go in. He's going to scream again. Then you go, oops, hold your ears and walk away again. You can go, ooh, too loud, and then walk away. It's going to take it's repetition, repetition, repetition. It's going to be hard. Give yourself a week at least of just solid doing this. You should see a change.
SPEAKER_01Is it like in condo buildings how they put up like noise complaint? They're like, just let you know between these hours there's going to be some construction. Just put that up in your building and be like, just no.
SPEAKER_00That's about it. That's that's about it. The problem is that you can't predict what time it's going to happen. That's the problem. Yeah, just use like the sweaty emoji next to it and be like, I'm sorry. Yeah, sorry, sorry. Um, I have actually had clients who've had to do that. They've actually talked to neighbors, and one of them said, Look, if I if we treat you to a dinner, because we're going through this process, so they've actually bribed neighbors. Who wants muffins? Yeah, that's right. So I've actually told them that. I said, Look, you know, if you've got a good relationship with your neighbors, and kids are, you know, it can be annoying. I said, I would bribe them and say, Look, I'm going through this training process. Can we treat you to dinner or, you know, get you, you know, you know what I mean, do something nice.
SPEAKER_01Treat you in earmuffs.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's yeah, that's right. Treat them earmuffs. I didn't think about that one. That's a good one. I'll mention that next time. Okay, so um, yeah, you just gotta go through the training, unfortunately. He's got to connect the dots. That uh screaming, no attention, not screaming, I might get attention or I might not, right? Like you don't have to give him attention all the time when he's not screaming, but it's gotta be right after a scream and he stops. Then you want to give him attention. It's gotta be quick though. He's little, he's gotta connect the dots. He's although he's two, he should be able to do that. But you gotta be consistent. If you're not consistent, he's not gonna get it. So give it a good week. A week of hell. Give it a
good week.
SPEAKER_01Okay, at least from the United States. How do you transition your 26-month-old from the high chair? My toddler can now climb in and out, but or can climb in but not out of the high chair, and it's become a safety issue. We have high top chairs he likes to sit on because he likes to be a big boy, but he never stays seated. We cannot get him to eat his meals because he gets distracted and leaves. He also I'll tell you why I'm laughing after. He also stands on the chair instead of sitting, and I don't like nagging him to sit. You answer and then I'll tell a story.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_00Um, so you got a kid who won't sit still in a meal. Uh, that's a whole meal time routine thing, but he's only 26 months old. I would put him in the high chair and just I would I'd be right there so we couldn't get out, or he didn't you say you can get in, but he can't get out. But I don't understand. If he can't get out, what's the problem? Is he rocking it? So I'd be right there. I'd keep him in the high chair. If you've got a 26-month-old that will not sit for a meal, have him in the high chair, make a meal fast, make it something he likes, make sure he's hungry and you're eating with him, you're talking to him while you're there. Let him go through the tantrums, though. You gotta be willing to ride the tantrums out because they will have a tantrum when they realize they can't push you around anymore. They're gonna have a fit. And this is what parents struggle with. Yeah, but if I do that, he's gonna scream and kick and have a tantrum. I'm like, yeah, right. That is him processing now, you're in charge. So it's and all these things are like a project. People want, what's the quick answer? I can just solve it in one day. It's not like that. It's gonna take a while, right? So he's got to learn that when I when I make a meal, we're gonna sit down, we're gonna eat together, I'm gonna sit right beside you so you can't rock the high chair or whatever. And then, and then that's it. Just follow through and just be calm and be pleasant. When he's screaming, just look away. Don't talk to him. But as soon as he stops, say, Oh, look, do you want to read? And you can read books to him. I don't bring toys to a table or a device, but you can read books to him.
SPEAKER_01So the story that I was thinking of is when we're we used to go for sushi a lot in Australia when I was little. And you just mentioned high
top chairs. So this sushi place had like the high top chairs. It was a sushi train go-around. And so I'm a little clumsy. And my mom, look, we're all getting up, and my mom looks over and I just disappear. I misjudged the step or how high it was, and I just slipped right down.
SPEAKER_00She went down so fast, it was like gravity was like 20 times more strong. I slithered like a snake. It was hilarious. She just disappeared under this high table. Where'd she go? But she went down so fast that her hair flew up as she was going down. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like it was one of those ones where it like didn't really hurt, but it was just so shocking.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Well, she didn't luckily, she didn't hit her chin on the table or the back of her head on the chair. Because I think we were leaving and she'd push the sort of push the chair out. And you would have been about three when you did that. I was surprised. I thought she could have got out because it was all the other kids were all the other two-year-olds and three-year-olds were getting out just not your daughter. It was great. Yeah, she went down fast. And then I said, Where'd you go? And she was laughing.
SPEAKER_01And then you go to daycare the next day, and they're like, Well, all I do with my child is I just tell them to step down.
SPEAKER_00I tell you to do it carefully. The perfect poly.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay. The next one's Alex from the United States. Child is two years and eight months and just started daycare after two years with the nanny. Lots of hitting and throwing toys per the daycare
teacher. How to handle since you're not physically there. Do we talk about this at home or is that focusing on the bad?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you can't do it at home because they're in the moment. Um, you have to deal with it right in the moment. So, why is he doing that at daycare? The reason is that things are not um designed around his wants and needs. Okay, at home they are. I would make home a little bit less designed around his wants and needs. Set it, think about what daycare is doing and maybe set it up a little bit differently. So here now we've got this group of toys out. Now we're gonna put it away and get the next group of toys out. So think of how a daycare is run and try and manifest some of that at home so that he'll get used to it. Because parents tend to design everything around their child so that they're happy and everything goes their way. And then they go off to daycare. It ain't like that, okay? So you want to make things a little bit less um easy for him or perfect or perfectly designed around him at home. So yeah, set up routines. Um, think about, I would even ask daycare, what's your schedule like? Because I know you're having problems with them. We're gonna try and duplicate that at home.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the next one's Alex from Australia. Two-year-old son, how to get rid of his dummies? What's the best approach?
SPEAKER_00Well, I don't know
because um there's I got a lot of different approaches with this, so I don't know what would work best with your family. But I'll tell you what I did with my son. Um, I didn't want him to have a dummy past one, I decided, but then we planned a trip. And I'm not saying what age you should lose the dummy, but I really didn't want him to have it past the age of one. But I let him take keep it because we lived in Australia. We were planning a trip to Canada. So I thought there's no way I'm gonna do a 24-hour travel. Like at that time, we had a layover, and it was 24 hours to go from Brisbane to Vancouver. So I thought, I'm not gonna go through that without a dummy. So I let him have the dummy for the next six months, just basically planning for this trip. The day after we got home back in Australia from Canada, I decided that's it, I'm taking them away. We had jet lag. I don't know, my husband was at work, but I was home with him with my son, and I thought, I'm just gonna take it away. So what I did was I, and he was already kind of, he was 18 months old. He was starting to understand when mom says something, it's gonna happen, right? Because I don't, I'm very careful what I say. So I said, okay, no more dummies. He didn't understand it. He's only 18 months, but they're watching. They're not listening, they're watching. So I said, let's put all your dummies in this little bag. We sealed up the bag. He, I carried him and I gave him the bag full of all of his dummies, and I mean all of them. There was not one that he could have found. I was very careful about that, because then you're gonna set yourself back, right? So anyway, and I said, Okay, bye-bye, dummies, because you're a big boy now. I opened, we went outside in the garage, I opened up the lid to our big uh wheelie bin garbage can. He threw them in and I closed it up. Now he already kind of understood when mom says something, it's gonna happen. Doesn't mean it's always successful. He was inclined to have tantrums. He didn't have a lot of them, but he had them. And I thought, oh, I am in for it. Why have I done this to myself? Right? He was addicted to this thing. He always had one in his mouth to the point where it was uh chained, you know, one of those little plastic chains, it was chained to his bib. He had to wear a bib because he was drooling with this dummy. Oh, geez. He was so addicted to it. And I thought, what have I done to myself? I've got jet lag and now I've done this. Anyway, he never asked for one all day. I was stunned. I was absolutely stunned. I think maybe he was just ready to get out of it, or maybe he just understood when mom said that. I have no idea. But anyway, I made it very, very clear that they're all gone and I was ready for war. I thought he's gonna be upset for the next three months. I just had it in my head, it was gonna be awful. But also, I made sure we had lots to do. And I also bought him some brand new sippy cups because I thought I can't just take dummies away and not give them something else. So he had these brand new sippy cups full of water. And we were outside because it's Australian, it's hot. So he was outside all day long and he was drinking water, like sucking on this thing, like it was a dummy. He peed so much for the next week. It was unbelievable. And I used cloth diapers. I went through so many cloth diapers, but there was no more dummy. But when he looked at me, he'd go to feel for the dummy on his face, then he'd go to get eye contact with me. I looked away instantly because I thought there's no way I'm gonna get eye contact when he's thinking about a dummy. So I used diversion. I got him something else to replace the dummies with. I was very final. He was the one who threw those dummies out in the garbage bin. Okay. It wasn't in the garbage in the house because he might have tried to fish them out. He knew once it went outside in that garbage bin, it wasn't coming out again. So that's what I did. You know, and it worked really well, but I was shocked at that. It's like the running joke is like when you try and get off cigarettes and then he get addicted to the gum. Yeah, that there was uh someone said it was some joke on some sitcom and he says, Oh, I've I've just started smoking. And he said, Why? And he goes, Oh, because I'm trying to get off the nicotine patches. He said, I got addicted to them. He'd never even smoked, but he was addicted to nicotine patches.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we have one final question. So, Shannon from the United States, I have a two-year-old boy. My two-year-old boy will often misuse his toys
to the point where they could get ruined. So, for example, he may take his electric bubble wand and put it into his water in his water table, even after I've told him not to. Is this the best way to deal with taking the toy away? Will he eventually learn that misusing the toy will result in it being taken away, or is there a better way to handle this?
SPEAKER_00Oh, as soon as he misuses it, I would say, and he's old enough, I would say, okay, here's how you do it. And then as soon as he goes to put it in wherever, then I'd say nope, and it gets put away for the rest of that day. Okay, that's actually an easy one. Yeah, he'll eventually learn that there's the right way to do it and there's a wrong way to do it. If you do it the wrong way, it disappears. He'll learn. He won't like it, but he'll learn. Okay, well, that was he can have it. It's his choice. All he has to do is do it the right way. He's old enough to understand that. So it's his choice that it gets put away. Parents think, oh, that sounds so mean. He has a choice. He could have kept it, but he chose not to. Okay, well, that was it for the parenting questions. Okay, so it was toddlers, and but you said it was based on the parents' parents' reaction. Parents' reaction. We didn't get into that a lot, did we?
Parents' reaction. We didn't get too much into it, although I would assume all of the ways that your answer is All the disciplines is the reaction. Yeah, I thought, I guess I thought when we were starting that, it was gonna be more about the emotions because I just did a live and I never know how to answer this. People say, Well, how do we handle our own emotions? How do we handle our emotions? The thing is, toddlers can really get under your skin, as can any age, but toddlers especially, because they don't make a lot of sense. You know, even as they get older, they kind of make a bit more sense than what they do. But toddlers can do the craziest things. They can, and you're new at this too, when you've got toddlers, you're often a new parent. So yeah, they can really get under your skin. The thing is, if you show it, if you show that they upset you, it doesn't mean they don't upset you. They they can, but you just really want to fight not to show it. Because once you show weakness, they'll go in. They pick up on that. They love the fact that they can control you, right? So, and it's okay when you're playing, they can control the fun and the laughter. But when it's something negative, you really want to try and hide the fact that they annoy the heck out of you if they're doing something really annoying. So, yeah, it's not necessarily that you don't get upset, it's that you don't want to show it. I'm sure that is so hard. I never said that was easy. I have never said it's easy, but it is, it is the what you really want to aim for. Okay, well, I think that is a great place to end. Okay, sounds good. Thanks so much for joining us. Back again talking about something else parenting related. And anyway, that's it. So happy parenting. Bye now.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit Bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.