Feeding all the negative behavior, discussing all the bad behavior, discussing the tantrums. It's absolute crap. Where you put your energy and where you put your focus is what grows. You want to put your energy and focus into positive connection with kids. When you do that, you are a safe place to land and they will share all of their feelings and emotions with you in a nicer way.
SPEAKER_00My daughter who's age four will ask for a hug, a big long hug, at the end of a fit, almost like she's begging for connection. Do you think this stems from remorse, regulation, or manipulation? I ask because I was a people pleaser growing up, and I wonder if she genuinely feels bad or is she playing me.
SPEAKER_01That's not love she's after. That's validate my tantrum. Validate it. Come on. I just hit this big show. I want it rewarded. Reward the tantrum. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_00And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started.
SPEAKER_01Okay, sweetie pie. What are we talking about today?
SPEAKER_00Today's topic is all about when, in your opinion, tantrums should end. Tantrums. Oh, okay.
When should tantrums end? Um, I think about 36, 37. Yeah? No. Oh, okay. Oh, good answer, Lisa. 36, 37 months. Oh, it's trying to be funny, but that's about right. Usually about between three and three and a half. This is if you're a really calm leader, the tantrums just run out of steam and they find a better way to communicate. When you're a calm leader, they tend to talk to you more. They're more accepting of boundaries and rules, okay, but they they feel like they have a voice also with a leader. So they don't need to tantrum after that. That's when they start to be able to reason, put things together, and and figure things out. So between three and three and a half is when you should see them dwindle out.
SPEAKER_00Now, what if someone's listening and they go, Well, I have a five-year-old and they aren't dwindling.
SPEAKER_01No, I said, if you're a leader, if you're a leader, they will dwindle out. If you're not, they can go on forever. They literally can go right through adulthood because they've never learned how to how to deal with frustration another way. Tantrums are based on anger and frustration at not getting their own way. Okay. But um if if you're never led, you never are taught how to deal with disappointment, right, in a more effective way, which is what tantrums are, um, then you're gonna keep having them right through, you know,
till the end.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so how would you approach, let's say you have a two-year-old and they're disappointed, they start having a tantrum. How do you approach that then?
SPEAKER_01Well, you just completely ignore them while they're having the tantrum. Uh, you're right nearby, um, and it's and you don't get eye contact or talk to them. As soon as the tantrum's finished, though, and I mean you got to go in quick. As soon as it's done, you go, Oh, y'all done. You want to read a book? They're usually gonna start up again because you gotta be quick when you go in. Okay. So they're gonna start up again because they're still in the tantrum hangover. They've still got that energy going, but they're just sort of getting tired. But then they're gonna start up again, then you say, Oh, never mind, and then you ignore again. You keep repeating that process until they finally do go and read a book with you.
SPEAKER_00Now, you say ignore, I'm listening to this for the first time, I'm trying to listen to this for the first time. I think that your approach isn't technically ignoring. Because when you say ignore, that might be getting on your phone, that might be talking to somebody else.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I know the word ignore, but I'm not gonna change it. We've discussed that uh because you said maybe we should find a more politically correct way of saying that. And I've said, nope, I'm not politically correct. You are ignoring them in their perspective. But from your perspective, you're right there. You want to look like you're waiting for a bus. You want to look like you're waiting for that tantrum to finish. It's more like you're you're ignoring, you're waiting. That's what you're doing. But while you're waiting, you're ignoring. You don't go on your phone, you don't get into a conversation, you don't leave the room. If it goes on for like forever, you can casually walk off and go and do chores or something, they'll probably follow you and scream wherever you are. That's okay. But generally you want to be nearby, but because as soon as they stop, you want to, that's when you want to connect. Oh, you all done? Do you want to go read a book? Do you want to go play a game? Do you want to go help me do the laundry? Now you're talking to
them.
SPEAKER_00Now I know that some parents online, what I see is that they say children are still so young, a four or five-year-old still very young, and they don't have the tools to handle disappointment, they might start screaming, they might start getting upset. What are your thoughts on that?
SPEAKER_01They do have the, well, you haven't given them the tools. They have the ability to use the tools if given to them. You just haven't given them the tools. There's another way to communicate, okay? And also, if you never give in, like let's say they have a tantrum because they want candy before dinner or something like that. And every so often you give in, they're gonna keep having tantrums. That's not leadership, okay? You know, if you don't want them to have something, never let them have it. Or if you're gonna let them have it, and this is when they're four and five, you can say, okay, sometimes you can have candy, but it's after dinner. So you set the rules, the boundaries, the structure, the routines, and then it's up to them to get used to them. It's interesting because one kid, once kids get used to going to school or whatever when they're three, four, or five years old, they get used to the routines and they don't tend to argue them because they know there's no other option. It's like school starts at nine, uh, recess starts at 10:30, whatever it is. They don't tend to argue that because they're tent poles. They're just things that are gonna happen anyway. So you want to get some tent pulls. When you have a rule, make sure it's consistent and you follow through. Also, if you start out by saying no and then it turns into a yes, guaranteed they're gonna start having tantrum or continue having tantrums or whining or complaining because they know they can wear you down. Once you've said no, you have to stick
to it.
SPEAKER_00And then obviously, your approach, you're talking in generalizations here, but there are exceptions when children would stop having tantrums.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, this is tantrums over the wants. The tantrums over the needs, like if they're tantruming because they're hungry, they're tired, they're sick, you meet their needs. The tantrum, you don't even think about that. If they're hungry, you feed them. If they're tired, you put them to bed. If they're sick, you care for them. So, yeah, this is only the tantrums over the wants, stuff that they don't need to have.
SPEAKER_00I'm also making the point of like if there's special needs involved, then that would be. Well, I see.
SPEAKER_01Well, then that's that would be coaching. Special needs, I don't generalize. There's no generalizing about that. That would be one-on-one coaching with me. And then we work around things, okay? And you're working with other professionals if there's Well, I mean, I'm not the only one. I teach parent-child relationships. So if you have a child with special needs, I assume you have uh OTs like occupational therapists or maybe whatever else you need to support that child and yourself, but I'm there to teach you the parent-child relationship, regardless of what condition the child or you have. You can still learn parent-child relationship. It's a loving, a loving, nurturing relationship. That's what I'm teaching
here.
SPEAKER_00I also just want to touch on the point. You talk about tantrums, you talk about the ignoring, but you also talk about how important that connection is.
SPEAKER_01The connection is way more important than the correction. The correction is the discipline, is the kind of the ignoring too. Uh, but you don't discipline tantrums. A tantrum is not bad behavior. A tantrum is simply a loss of emotional control at not getting their own way. That's why we ignore that. It's just a loss of emotional control. It's not based on huge feelings and big emotions. A lot of parents think it is. It looks like it, but that's just they're toddlers. They're young, they're kids. They're like they put on quite theater. It's very dramatic. It's theater, it's it's a show, okay? And they're very loud. They don't have the same sort of way of looking at that that we do. To them, a tantrum is just how they're communicating. They're just going squirrely because they don't really have the words to express what they're really thinking. So that's why they tend to have tantrums.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Do you want to get into the parenting questions? Sure. First
one here is Kelly from the United States. We have a highly sensitive child, our firstborn. This past year, turning eight, she has significantly gotten more irritable, disrespectful, and has screaming tantrums for an hour. We're lost in trying to figure out what's happened this year and why the sudden change.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so she's there's been a sudden change. I'm gonna challenge that a little bit, unless something's happened. They don't usually suddenly change a date. Um, but she's very irritable, but she's not like that at school. So it isn't a sudden change in her, it's a sudden change with you, is what I'm getting here. Okay. So yeah, are you designing your lives around her? Like what I mean is if she gets difficult, do you all cater to her? That will definitely cause a problem. So you don't want to make, you don't want if she's getting testy and irritable, you don't want to start giving in to that just to make your life easier. By the way, it's gonna make your life longer in the long term or sh or worse in the long term. But a lot of parents, they see that they have a squeaky wheel and they tend to oil it too much, okay? She still needs to have manners at home. The fact that she can control herself at school says that it's you, okay? It's not her, it's you, your relationship with her. So I think you're probably catering to her too a bit too much. Trying to please her, trying to avoid the scenes. That's gonna make her worse.
SPEAKER_00Could it also be life changes? Like they weren't specifically noted there, but would that set a child off?
SPEAKER_01Well, I already said uh it does it doesn't usually happen unless something's happened. Like it could have been a big move, maybe a grandparent died, maybe someone's bullying her at school. You want to get to the bottom of that and figure that out. But they didn't mention any of that. So I'm assuming it's just all of a sudden she's just getting moodier. She's also, you know, past the age of seven, there's a I won't go into it, but she's kind of going into the the preteen or the tween stage too. Past the age of seven, it can start to happen anytime after that. Eight or nine is when it starts to happen with some girls, especially. They can start getting a lot, some hormonal changes. So it could be that also. But the worst thing you can do is try and just back off, okay, okay, just make our lives easier. We'll give in to her this time. It's gonna make it worse. She'll lose respect for you.
SPEAKER_00Now, do you find if you have been a really strong calm leader, does this tend to like do these big life changes still kind of like rock the boat a little bit with children?
SPEAKER_01No, because you're their anchor.
SPEAKER_00Do you want to go into that?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I was just going to. Uh one of my kids, and we moved from Australia to Canada. Um, they were, you know, they they weren't, they were like 10 and 15, okay? And I won't say which kid I said this to, but I I I think I, or maybe I apologized to both of them. I said, look, sorry about this. You know, it was because my mom was ill. I wanted to move back to Canada to be with my mom. And I said, sorry about the change. And one of my kids said, Mom, wherever you are is home. So I was their anchor. That's what leadership does for them. Okay. It was a big move, but it was a huge move. They had to leave all their friends, everything that they knew. Um, it was it was challenging, right? But they they sailed right through it, actually. I probably found it harder to leave Australia than they did. Um, but yeah, that was that mom, wherever you are, is home. That's what leadership does for your kids. It's an anchor, it's a safe place to land.
SPEAKER_00You hear about that from parents too. And again, I'm not a parent at the moment, but I do hear that they don't want their children to have to go through things, but it's just inevitable. Like part of growing up is you can't just make life perfect. Like there's going to be little hiccups that happen.
SPEAKER_01That's normal, but what leadership can help it's not per it doesn't solve all their problems, but it sure gives them an edge. I had that with my mom. I felt my mom was my anchor. My mom was the one that I told everything to, and you guys told me everything. So it's you just need that person who just anchors you, makes you feel safe, um, brings out the best in you. And um, yeah, makes you, you know, you like yourself when you're with that person too. You feel good about yourself when you're with that person. So yeah, I think anchor is the best term for that.
And I think as well, because you do talk a lot of the questions, you do talk a lot about discipline and such because it just comes up naturally. But when I think of my childhood, I really do not think of discipline very much at all.
SPEAKER_01Yes, you did, because I was always in trouble. I was always the one in trouble. Mom was always the one getting consequences, but it's because I was a leader, they didn't act out. You don't act out with a leader because you're you're so you're it's just calm. It's just fun, right? Because they knew if they made a poor choice, I wouldn't criticize them for it really either. I'd just say, Oh, well, that I might say, well, that was stupid. You know, do you want to hear what I did when I was your age? And we'd kind of laugh it off, then they'd get a consequence and they or they'd they'd suggest one. So there's no here, here's the thing is you don't want to make kids feel bad when they do something bad. And a lot of parents do. They want to make their kids feel bad. They go down the guilt path. That's a big mistake because that becomes part of their identity. I just said, Yeah, that was stupid. Here's your consequence. Big deal. We all make mistakes. Is that how you felt?
SPEAKER_00Well, well Okay.
SPEAKER_01Well, look, are we gonna go into the table carving? Was that was No.
SPEAKER_00Are we gonna go into this or this? No, none of these things. I was gonna say, I was quite a klutz growing up.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that did scare me. That bothered me. She had a she was very clumsy when she was a little kid, and I was terrified that she'd walk in front of a bus. Like once she was on her own, like 12, 13, going out with friends. I was terrified. So yeah, I was pretty hard on that one. I came in hard with, I'll admit that. I came in real hard with that because it was a safety issue. I mean, literally, she just would get absent-minded and she literally could have walked in a busy street without thinking.
SPEAKER_00I even now, my spatial awareness is so bad. Like I, I even now, like I'm better than I was, but I'm not, I'm not great.
SPEAKER_01No, but that I okay, I admit that. That was uh definitely, yeah, I came after you with that. I was terrified.
SPEAKER_00I just I just don't want people listening to be like, think that I'm not calling you out on stuff because yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, she called me out. Yeah, she'll call me out on anything, everything. But aside from that, no, they were just mistakes. That wasn't a mistake, that was something I was trying to change about your basic, basic whatever it is, spatial awareness. Yeah, I was really scared. Okay, we'll get back into the parent. You know what she did one day? Oh, she um I she told me about it once and then I saw it once. She was an adult and she opened up a car door. What happened? Into my face. Right into her head.
SPEAKER_00Just so spatial awareness. You know, we were just saying I had to get a tetanus shot when I was like, I don't know, 25, because I slammed a gate right into my face and I like drew blood on my forehead. I was sober. It was 10 a.m.
SPEAKER_01But you're not walking in front of traffic. You're welcome. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I came in hard about that. That was something that was really important for me to change, but I didn't see it as part of her personality. More just it was almost something I didn't know if I could change it, but I was in I was intent on doing that. Yeah, I think you made a little, maybe a little progress. I don't know about much though.
SPEAKER_00No, you're you don't walk in front of traffic, so there you go. Okay, we'll get into the parenting
question. So Hannah from the United States, 2.75-year-old. I'm trying this tactic and we're in a phase of very long hysterical crying over something as little as not wanting to walk down the stairs. My husband works from home and he's been listening to the podcast, but he comes inside, works in an office shed in the backyard, so he doesn't know when he's what he's about to step into. So when he enters, he doesn't want to ignore his daughter, who's clearly having a hard time, and is hysterical. And I don't want to talk to him about it and discuss the bad behavior. And I feel like I'm coming in and saying, oh, baby girl, what's going on is only feeding her. What should I tell him to do when walking in on this? I usually say, We're having a hard time walking down the stairs. Mama is here waiting for her to calm down. Or I asked her to ask me nicely and I'm waiting for her to. What should my husband do when walking into a very intense house where a child is throwing a tantrum and I'm ignoring it?
SPEAKER_01There's a couple of things there. Why are you asking her to come down the stairs? I don't tend to ask a toddler to do something without taking action if they don't. So come on down the stairs and she says no and she starts screaming. I go up the stairs or wherever you are, I pick her up and I take her down the stairs. Okay. I follow up a command that needs to be done with action. So they learn it's gonna happen anyway. I may as well do it on my own. With the husband, uh, say you text me before you come in the door and I'll tell you. Uh, I'll say red zone or whatever. So just have like an okay, you know, so uh just have a tick or an X or whatever your your um signal is. And then when he walks in, then he just lets you continue to take charge, okay? He doesn't even intervene. You want to fit you want to start it and finish it. You don't want him to come in and finish it for you. So if she's having an absolute fit and you're ignoring her, he can also ignore her, but you don't want him to step in and take over with anything. You want to finish it because that's what a leader would do. A leader would see it through.
SPEAKER_00Now, because you recommend not going on the phone, could it be something as simple as like touching your nose or oh, with him, you mean? Well, with her, like because he doesn't know what he's walking into, but you tell the mom not to get on the phone when they're going through a tantrum.
SPEAKER_01I don't understand what who's touching the nose. That's that's not about tantrums, that's only about whining. No, I'm just thinking because you said, Oh, it could just be texting a like a He could text. Oh no, that a quick text is fine. Yeah, he could he could text and then say, I'm coming in, then you can just say uh yes or no or whatever your signal is. You can do that. That's quick. What I mean is you're not just engrossed in something, right? No, that's okay. And it's okay if you say to him, hi, do you have a good day? Yeah, it was fine, and then you then you stop talking. So yeah, it's not like it you're absolutely blacklisted from using the phone or talking, but you don't get into a conversation and you don't spend time on the phone, but you could, you know, just do something quick.
SPEAKER_00You know what? That's a good nuance. And I listen to your message all the time and I wouldn't have known that.
SPEAKER_01So Oh, okay. Well, you know, in coaching, there's so many nuances, and uh it's funny because as I'm going along with some clients I've had for quite some time, and then they'll say, Oh, well, you didn't tell me that aspect of it. I said, if I told you everything that was in my head about parenting, and you know, I just can't. So I have to pick and choose what I tell each parent depending on what I think they need to hear. But there's always a million other little nuances to
everything.
SPEAKER_00Okay, there is a part two here. So it says, even after a tantrum ends, she wants to mope. Even when I try to offer her something fun she loves, it's still a no from her or upsets her more and starts a new tantrum. Or she is up for it, but then depends uh something that she knows is a no. So then I have to say no again and it starts all over. How can I connect after it if she likes to stay mad and upset?
SPEAKER_01That's completely normal. She wants to continue controlling you. That's what it is. So, uh, okay, so I'll set up a scenario. She's finished having the tantrum. Then you say, Oh, y'all done? Do you want to go read a book? And then she starts up again. Let's say this isn't quite where I was going with that, but she starts up again, then you ignore her again. And then the next time you say, if she keeps doing that, every time you suggest you do something, she keeps saying no, then you say, Okay, if you want to join me, I'm gonna go read a book. Then you go over and sit, maybe you've done it three times two or three times, and then the third time, this is how you do it. You don't say, Do you want to come read a book? Say, I'm gonna go read a book, you can join me if you want. So then you walk over, start reading a book. I'm pretty sure she's gonna come over, grab the book, and try and start a fight again. But just then you can stand up and start reading it and just read it to yourself, then go silent if she's really getting difficult. All she's trying to do is control you. And and it says to me that she's been doing so in the past, guaranteed. She wouldn't act that like that. I can just pick up on it. She's doing it because in the past she's been able to control you and upset you. Whereas I just act like, well, I'm reading this book. You can join in if you want or not. You know, that's kind of the attitude you want to have. It's hard to have, it's hard to do, but she'll eventually realize there's no point in acting like this, so I may as well stop because it ain't never gonna
work.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one's Liz from Romania. How do I teach my 21-month-old daughter not to grab toys from other kids and people? When I try to play with her, all she seems to want to do is grab toys, whichever toy I'm holding, look at it briefly, and then just discard it, only to go after the next thing I pick up. She mostly plays with an older neighbor who's school age, who is a sweet, gentle kid, and always gives in. But I really want to break this habit. I try teaching her to offer something in exchange for the toy she wants, but in a real world situation, another kid might not want that trade. Do I simply not let her take the toy and allow the meltdown to happen?
SPEAKER_01You do not get her to offer something instead, because that's a disaster. You know, you already said that could it could go the wrong way. So she'll start to feel entitled. Well, I offered you a ball, therefore I get that bucket because I offered. You see what I mean? You're gonna build entitlement. So don't do that. Um, just say no, you can't no, just say no, and then remove her from the situation. If she does grab something, you grab it, you gotta want to be around to teach her this. You can't teach her this if you're not there. And you wanna be on top of this, you want to train her out of this. It might take a few weeks, okay? But every single time she grabs something, you just say no, you take it off her, then you give it back to the other kid, then you sort of fuss over the other kid. You always want to fuss over the victim a little bit. Say, oh, there, what are you doing? And don't talk about the toy that you just gave back to them, but just say, Oh, you're having fun over there, blah, blah, blah. So you're kind of snubbing her a little bit. She's out of the loop because she did that. She'll eventually get it, okay? But then it's only for like maybe a minute or so, but you watch her. When she goes to grab something again, you stop her from even doing it. You want to stop subsequent grabs, okay? The first one, you you wanna you let her do it. Okay, then after that, you want to stop her from doing it completely. But every time she goes in to grab something, you say no and you remove her from the fun. Okay, you might just take her away with you for a minute or two and then let her go back. When she goes to grab again, nope. And don't offer her other toys because then it's like if you go to steal money or something off a store, and then someone comes in and says, Oh no, you're gonna get that money. Here's money instead. So you're still getting a reward. That's rewarding her. If she goes to grab a toy and you offer her a different one, you're rewarding her. Yeah, it's it's a disaster. So just she's just gotta learn to stop grabbing stuff. I'm sure there's other toys she could pick up.
Okay, the next one's Tawny from the United States. One of my three-year-old twins has a screaming meltdown every time she gets hurt. Most of the time, it's hardly anything that could hurt her. For example, she's running and steps on the stuffed animal or something touches her that she wasn't expecting. It usually lasts only a few seconds with a hug or a band-aid, but it happens multiple times in an hour all day long, and I'm overstimulated, tired mom that's at my wit's end.
SPEAKER_01Well, you already answered your question. She gets a hug and a band-aid. I'd be pretending I was hurt 20 times a day, too, if someone hugged me and put a band-aid on my foot. Yeah, just say you're all right. If you know she's all right, just say you're all right, and then ignore her. Or change the subject. Yeah, that's why she's doing it. She wants the hug and the band-aid. There's a payoff.
SPEAKER_00I think that's the tricky one because I think a parent would listen to that and maybe go, Well, what if I accidentally dismiss them when they actually are hurt?
SPEAKER_01I already said, if you know she's not hurt. There, I already covered that one. I I said that right up front because I knew that was gonna I knew you were gonna come in with that one. Yeah, no, I said if you know she's not hurt, just say you're
all right.
SPEAKER_00Okay. The next one is Cassidy from the United States. My daughter, who's age four, will ask for a hug, a big long hug at the end of a fit, almost like she's begging for connection. Do you think this stems from remorse, regulation, or manipulation? I asked. Because I was a people pleaser growing up and I wonder if she genuinely feels bad or is she playing me? Am I giving into her fit if I give her a lung hug at the end?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, uh, she's manipulating you. That's not love she's after. That's validate my tantrum. Validate it. Come on. I just did this big show. I want it rewarded. Reward the tantrum. Yeah, no, I just say you're all right. Pat her on the back and then say, Do you want to go read a book? So you're still connecting with her, but you're not giving in that, you're not soothing the tantrum. You do not need to sue the tantrum. She needs to self-soothe herself and stop doing it. Okay. She's four. She's old enough for that. She's just playing you like a fiddle.
SPEAKER_00So this one I know you get a lot of pushback online. Um, and I can I can see where parents are coming from. A lot of parents feel like that hug is asking for regulation rather than anything manipulation.
SPEAKER_01Maybe asking for regulation, but that's the problem. You don't regulate them. They need to learn how to regulate themselves. That's frustrating me. That really frustrates me. You got to self-regulate your kids. No, they self-regulate themselves. Your calmness is what helps them self-regulate. You do not want to be regulating your kids and micromanaging their emotions, which is what this is, okay? Tantrums are not big uh based on big emotions and big feelings anyway. They're based on a loss, a loss of emotional control, not getting their own way. They're based based on anger and frustration. So, yeah, you do not need to validate the tantrum. And that the tantrum is her business, not your business. She needs to learn how to regulate herself. You are teaching her that by your reaction to the tantrum, which is nothing. That is teaching her this ain't never gonna work and she'll just stop having tantrums.
SPEAKER_00I also want to make the note. Are you saying as well that you think that this is some parents may feel like it's kinder in the short term to do this? But I think with your approach, if I'm understanding correctly, is that you think it's kinder in the long term to have children who don't have tantrums.
SPEAKER_01Well, if you think it's kinder to to help her continue to have tantrums, then you keep doing that. If you want, if you think that tantrums look like they're miserable, which they are when they're having them, they're miserable, then I think it's kinder to stop the tantrums altogether, which is what my approach does. Okay. So if you think it's kinder to stretch out the tantrums and let and and encourage her to continue having them, you keep soothing them, keep validating them, keep coddling them. She'll keep having them. But I think tantrums look horrible. Like I would rather just teach them how to regulate their emotions and talk to me nicely if they're upset about something. That's different. They'll they'll learn how to do that. I've worked with hundreds of kids, toddlers, teenagers, and I've managed all, you know, they they say always they they always end up coming to me and telling me stuff, but they learn how to do it in a really nice way, and then they're not miserable, right? You want them to be able to tell you when they're frustrated, but not you don't want them to go down that miserable path. So you're gonna keep feeding that misery.
SPEAKER_00I'm going to keep pushing back just because I want to make sure that you get the different angles here. Is some parents feel like you're re they might stop the tantrum simply because they're repressing their emotions because they don't feel safe to have those emotions around you anymore.
SPEAKER_01I already said kids learn to come up and talk to me in a nicer way because I'm a good listener. I'm gonna listen to them, but I do not listen. When they when they serve me up some some attitude and some tantrum, I I tune out. But as soon as and they learn so fast because I'm really quick to reward the nice approach. If they say to me, I'm upset about that, and they just say it like that, I'd say, Yeah, I would be too if I didn't get my own way. But that's just part of life, kiddo. Like just this morning, I had to do that, and then I'd tell them something I had to do. So I I validated that, but because they came to me in a nice way. So yeah, I validate feelings and emotions, but not the anger at not getting their own way, not the anger at not being able to um to um manipulate me. And that's what tantrums become past the age of about two and a half to three, or even a bit younger sometimes. They're manipulating you, they're trying to drag you into this misery.
SPEAKER_00You're right. Having the banana broken in that way would be really tough. And I understand. Having the banana broken in that way. I'm just sorry, you see a lot of reels where it's like they accidentally break the banana and they're about to feed it to their toddler. They're like, no, have an absolute fit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll survive. Yeah, it when you start feeding all this petty stuff, they're gonna keep doing it. Okay. And like I said, the the people always talk about self-regulating. It's the word self implies the whole point. They need to learn how to self-regulate their own emotions. If you're always coming in to save the day and soothe them and all that, they're gonna keep acting like that. You're rewarding it. And I think in the long run, it's really mean to do that.
SPEAKER_00You've also made the point that they often don't tantrum by themselves.
SPEAKER_01No, it's all for your reaction, but if they don't get it, they just stop doing it.
SPEAKER_00So Okay, we'll get into the next question.
SPEAKER_01Someone else It's one of those things I I I can feel my throat starting to hurt because I just want to go on and on and on about this. This trying to help them regulate their emotions. It is garbage, absolute garbage. They are not listening to you anyway, they are watching you. And if they see that this isn't paying off, they just stop doing it. And when they see that when they talk nicely to you, I'm all over them when they're nice to me. I'm all over them when they talk nicely. Okay, that's the trick, too, is you've got to know when to listen effectively and say, yeah, that would be really frustrating. I get frustrated too. That's okay. Do you want to go play a game? It works, it just works. But it's this feeding all the negative behavior, discussing all the bad behavior, discussing the tantrums. It's absolute crap. Where you put your energy and where you put your focus is what grows. You want to put your energy and focus into positive connection with kids. When you do that, you are a safe place to land and they will share all of their feelings and emotions with you in a nicer way. Okay, I feel better now.
SPEAKER_00I think that that was good. I'm glad that we got that out of you because I think that encapsulated your message quite well.
SPEAKER_01Good. Oh, okay. The lump is still there a little, but it's going away.
SPEAKER_00Okay. The next one is Marissa from the United States. I have a three and a half year old and just implementing the behavior board. When we move into a new week
with a behavior to work on, do you still correct the behavior from the previous week or just focus on the new behavior? For example, week one was no screaming or yelling, and now week two is no lying. Do I discipline if she yells when we're focusing on lying? Well, you didn't read the instructions.
SPEAKER_01You cannot put down attitude on there. You can put down no screaming or yelling it for yourself, but you can't put that down for children. They're just, that's just their emotional reaction to something. You can't put that down. It's attitude and emotions. You cannot put down on their board. You can put it down for yourself, no yelling. But for them, yeah, it's never gonna work. Uh, the behavior board, uh, no screaming or yelling. I'm assuming that was for the kid. Because you wouldn't have put screaming if it was for you, you would just put yelling. So yeah, you can't put that down. Go through the whole behavior board. It's completely free on my website, bratbusters.com. Um, and it would say you can't put down attitude like you can't, you can put no yelling for yourself, but not for the kids. So you're just you're being unfair and unreasonable. So change that. Just put down the second behavior board, was what? No hitting? No lying. No lying. That's a good one. Just put down no lying. So you got a three and a half-year-old girl. Yeah. So just start from scratch and you go no lying. Then the second behavior board could be put your shoes and jacket away within five minutes of arriving home. It has to be measurable, like timed. Okay, and now you've got two behavior boards. Now you're working on both of those rules. And then by the third week, you've got three behavior boards. You're working on all three now. The whole idea behind the behavior board, like I would never use one, it's just a teaching tool. It's teaching you how to get organized with this and teaching you that you also need to be accountable. And the children need to see you being accountable too. So, yeah, go through the whole course, that little mini course again, and read exactly the types of rules you should put down for the children.
SPEAKER_00Okay, we have one final question. So, Esma from the United States, I have a big problem when taking my 33-month-old to the grocery store
or outlet. It's usually my husband and I, and she doesn't want to sit in the cart for too long, if at all. She then walks near us, but sometimes runs back and forth between her dad and I. In the past, I used to immediately put her back in the cart when she would run and go through the whole tantrum thing with her, but somehow, somewhere, I've lost control of her. Maybe because her dad gets involved and doesn't really have a system for her. How do we handle when we have one to two hour shopping trips?
SPEAKER_01That's a long time to expect a 33-month-old. There's gonna be a break in between. Oh, a two-hour shopping trip with a three- I think that's kind of unreasonable. I would between that, like I would break it up. So you can go to the park for 15 minutes between the two hours. I kind of think that's unreasonable. I like to work with what I like kids to be happy, right? Also, I had a whole, I have a whole uh chapter in in my course. I think it's my toddler boot camp course, and it's called Grocery Store, how to grocery store tantrums and how to avoid them. Um, and I don't usually talk about how to avoid tantrums, but this is a good one. Um, you have to be 100% consistent. She, if she's a runner, put her up in that shopping cart. She cannot get down ever. There's no exceptions to that, or else she's gonna have a fit when she can't get down, right? No exceptions. And you bring a goodie bag. You have to bring a shopping goodie bag with you. It has little drink, it has a little snack, and it has something different every single time you go out. So just have a basket on top of your fridge with a bunch of just little cheap little dollar store toys or whatever activities, can be coloring or whatever, and then just keep changing it out every time you go out. So she's always got something to do. Plus, she's eye-level. You're talking to her while you're shopping. So yeah, set up a system, be consistent with it. That's not like, oh, today you can walk. Tomorrow you can't. And you can't just say you can walk unless you're bad, then you go back in the shopping cart. That's inconsistent, makes you look weak. Don't ask me to go on about that. But yeah, you gotta be one, there's gotta be a rule right up front. You can't, like it's like in school. You can't say to kids in school, okay, recess is um, we're gonna have recess today from 1030 to 11. But if you're naughty, we're gonna have it from 1030 to 1045. Or if you're good, we'll have it from 1030 to 11:15. It's just confusing and it makes you look like you don't know what you're doing. So 100% when we go shopping, you're gonna sit in the cart or in the stroller, and here's your shopping goodie bag. And that's it. Stick to it. Be consistent, be a leader. You know, you don't really like grocery shopping. Maybe I should do that with you. God, I hate it. Yeah, I've often said you should put me on a leash or put me in a shopping cart or something. I hate, oh, I hate shopping anyway, but I hate grocery shopping especially. But yeah, I just follow her. Sometimes if it's crowded, I'll hang on to the back of her sweater and she'll just lead me around the supermarket. It's just easier that way. We live nearby, so we often end up shopping together, but yeah, it's just easier handling me. Okay, well, that was it for the questions. Okay, I like that one. I think that I got some good uh good some good tantrums in there myself.
So it was appropriate. You made your point. I made my point. I had to. Um, anyway, still other stuff I want to say, but I I could tell one tangent's enough for a podcast. Anyway, thanks so much for joining us back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit Bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.