Good Neighbor Podcast: Bergen
Bringing together local businesses and neighbors of Bergen County
Good Neighbor Podcast: Bergen
Ep. # 57 The Transformative Power of Therapy: Nancy Dykstra-Powers on Strength-Based Healing and Relationship Growth
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Discover the transformative journey of Nancy Dykstra-Powers, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, who brings a refreshing strength-based approach to therapy. Once an elementary school teacher, Nancy's passion for psychological development has guided her to help clients focus on their strengths while addressing challenges like anxiety and depression. Her work with couples, inspired by Dr. Sue Johnson's emotionally focused therapy, underscores the power of nurturing relationships through positivity. Nancy's insights promise to illuminate the path to healing and personal growth, making a compelling case for therapy's impact on mental well-being.
This episode also shines a spotlight on the pivotal role therapy plays in creating safe, nonjudgmental spaces for emotional expression, particularly for those struggling with societal norms like men and teenagers. We dive into the impact of social media and discuss the unique challenges teenagers faced during COVID-19. Nancy offers invaluable advice on how therapy can be accessible and transformative for anyone in need of support, providing listeners with practical ways to connect with her for guidance. Tune in for an enlightening discussion on fostering positivity and growth through innovative mental health practices.
Nancy Dykstra-Powers LCSW Psychotherapist
Nancy Dykstra-Powers
71 Franklin Turnpike, Suite 4, Waldwick, NJ 07463
201.321.5610
ndykstrapowers@gmail.com
Therapy and Strengthening Relationships
Speaker 1This is the Good Neighbor Podcast, the place where local businesses and neighbors come together. Here's your host, Doug Drohan.
Speaker 2Everybody, welcome to another episode of the Good Neighbor Podcast coming to you. Live from Bergen County, new Jersey. My name is Doug Drohan, I'm the owner of the Bergen Neighbors Media Group and host of this show, and today we are thrilled to have Nancy Dykstra- Powers. She's a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist based in Waldwick, new Jersey. We're really happy to have you on the show. Welcome, nancy.
Speaker 3Thank you so much for having me today.
Speaker 2Being a Met fan, I hear the word Dykstra and of course I think of Lenny Dykstra.
Speaker 3Yes. Well, my brother did write him uh, when, uh, when they won.
Speaker 1So oh nice he did?
Speaker 3he didn't hear back.
Speaker 2Yeah, I guess he was too busy yeah, well, when he's had his issues, he could probably use it yeah, yeah. So listen, I want to get into, like you know, a little bit about yourself. Like how long have you been a therapist? What drove you to, you know, leave behind a teaching career and and want to start your own practice and, and you know, let's go from there. So tell us a little bit about yourself. Like you know, how did you start this journey to become a therapist?
Speaker 3Okay, I'll be happy to tell you about that. I started out my career as a elementary school teacher. I taught in Canada, in Michigan, in Chicago, but I'm a Jersey girl, so I ended up coming back to New Jersey. I was a therapist and then I was the director of an adoption agency, actually for 27 years as well as having a small private practice on the side.
Speaker 3And when I left the agency, I continued fascination with the psychology of others and myself, of others and myself, and so I developed the full-time private practice which, as you mentioned, is on Franklin Turnpike in Waldwick, and the journey started, I guess. As I was a teacher, I became fascinated with the psychological development of children and decided to pursue my degree both at Loyola University of Chicago and then I finished up at NYU.
Speaker 2Okay, Okay, so you know, do you have? I mean, there's a lot of therapists out there in the world and certainly in Bergen County and this area, New York City metropolitan area, tri-state area. So what was it about the way you approached it or approach your practice? That maybe is a little bit different. Or why did you think the world needs another therapist and I can help people?
Speaker 3That's a fine, fair question. Well, I approach it from a strength-based perspective. When I was a teacher, I saw that children really developed and flourished through developing their strengths. So instead of focusing solely in therapy on what's going wrong for people, I help them develop their strengths and through that we really look at the things that they're capable of and how much more they can do. I like to help people develop an attitude I'll call it of gratitude. It really literally changes their neural pathways when you look at something from a positive perspective. So when I talk to people, I like to focus on their strengths to accomplish and then I work with them from that perspective. There's enough going wrong in the world. We don't need more focus on that. We need to focus on what people can do to change themselves and how they can contribute to making this world a better place.
Speaker 2So does that mean you ignore the things that I mean? Usually people are coming to see you because they feel they need help, which is another way of saying I have a weakness and I need help. So, if you're dealing with a student or I'm sure you work with adults as well Absolutely, they have issues like anxiety and depression. Sure, you're saying to approach it from capitalizing on their strengths, that that will eventually help them overcome or deal with the anxiety and depression. So focusing on their strengths helps them overcome their weaknesses.
Speaker 3I would say that we absolutely do talk about their weaknesses. We do talk about anxiety, depression, whatever issues they bring to the table, but we don't want to ignore the fact that they have strengths, and I think a lot of times in therapy the soul focuses on their weaknesses. I like to add to it that they do come to the table with strengths and I want to use that in order to help them achieve their goals. In order to help them, if you will, heal will heal.
Speaker 2So it's not like the old school psychoanalysis. You know the Freudian method of let's go deep into your past and blame your parents for the way you are today, because you know your upbringing is the reason why you are who you are today, which I agree with in a lot of ways.
Speaker 3It helps us understand the person. It's certainly we can't ignore it, but I was trained from a psychoanalytic perspective, but it's one of many models that I incorporate into my therapy. One of the things that I really have found to be a passion of mine is doing couples therapy and be that heterosexual, gay, lesbian, lgbtq.
Speaker 3I really want to focus on strengthening relationships and I was so privileged to study under the late Dr Sue Johnson when she was here in Manhattan and did a number of trainings with her. It's emotionally focused couples therapy. It's also emotionally focused individual therapy and what we look at is the attachment between the partner. It's a great model. It has empirical research behind it. It's really one of the gold standards in couples therapy and it's something that I would say since 2017, when I first became involved in it, I found it to be a passion of mine. So right now I'm working with adults. I work with couples. I would say about 50% of my practice is working with couples.
Speaker 2It's interesting because I know there were jokes about you know, if your marriage is at the point where you're going for couples therapy, the next step after that is divorce attorney, Because traditionally, you know, one person says we need to see, you know, we need help. The other person doesn't come along willingly. And then I think, traditionally also, couples therapy was really about blaming one. You know, you coming in there to air your grievances and to try to get the person, the therapist on the other side of the table or couch, to agree with you. See, this is what's wrong with them. See, this is why I'm upset. See, this is what they do wrong. And then it's pointing the finger and saying, okay, See, this is what they do wrong. And then it's pointing the finger and saying, OK, you've got to get better. You're you have. You know, you know you don't pay attention to your spouse enough or you're doing this wrong, you need to spend more time. And I think that's probably the reason why a lot of couples therapy didn't work, because you weren't.
Speaker 2When you, you walk out of there feeling and I'm talking through experience- when you walk out feeling like you're to blame or you go in there the victim mentality I don't see. You know there's not really anything good coming out of that, because it's like one person has to accept the blame and the other person comes to you know, say, see, I was right.
Speaker 3And how is that going to help the marriage? Well, that would be. That would be, I'll say, the opposite of how I practice couple therapy. My perspective and the perspective of the method that we're using is that I am the therapist for the relationship. What that means is I am not for one partner versus the other. My goal is to look at both perspectives, validate and validate and help. How does that sound?
Speaker 2Well, all right, we lost you there for a little bit, so you might want to repeat what you just said, what your approach is.
Speaker 3Absolutely. What I do is I talk about the relationship and I am the advocate for the relationship. So in other words, I don't take sides. My client in theory is the relationship itself, their feelings, and then help the partner understand and validate where they are coming from and help them understand where their partner is coming from. And through that method of being the therapist for the relationship, we get out of the blame game and we help people to really see and feel the pain of their partner, help them understand where their partner is coming from and with empathy, with true empathy, we can do a lot of healing of the relationship.
Speaker 2Right, and that's you know, assuming that both parties have that sort of desire to save the relationship.
Speaker 3That is very true, and there is often, often times one partner is leaning out of the relationship, so I do have to have somebody in the room who is saying, ok, I'm going to give this a go.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah. So that's obviously that's one of the specialties that you focus on, but there's other things that you, other specialties and services that you offer somebody who's dealing with grief and loss, which is big, you know. Family conflict, true, and I guess family conflict could come from adoptions, blended families.
Speaker 3Yes.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3Yes, and you know the thing. You mentioned the word adoption. I was a director of an adoption agency for 27 years, and I think that's where I came to find the strengths of people. We had children adopted from various countries who had gone through the orphanage system, and there were times when I saw how resilient the children were. Of course, you know, some children went through harder times than others, but the resilience of children, the resilience of people, was something that I always found to be so fascinating, and in the whole realm of adoption, I was working with many couples who had dealt with infertility, pregnancy loss, miscarriage, and so that would be another of my subspecialties infertility, pregnancy loss.
Speaker 2Yeah, my mother lost two children after me and then my sister was born. My mother was pregnant eight times in 10 years, but you're talking about old Catholic family and she had four and four and a half years. Then after me, she had two babies that were born but didn't survive, and then my sister. My sister was born and almost died and they had to have major surgery when she was born. So, but my mother never talks about it, I never even. You know. I think they had names for the kids, obviously, but I, you know, I can't. You know I was a different era, it was the 1960s, but still the pain that you went through, you know, but my mother never talks about it. It's kind of like being a World War II vet. She just never speaks about what it was like.
Speaker 3That is exactly how it was then, and even today I have people in my office who have gone through miscarriages and you know, people don't know what to say.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3Oftentimes they'll say well, it has to happen for a reason, and so on. Oh God you know and you know people. I guess in a way they mean well, but what I call it? It's sort of a nebulous grief, and by that I mean you don't walk into a store and find a Hallmark card saying I'm sorry, you miscarried People, don't know how to respond to it, and so oftentimes I'll find the person or a couple in my office to really deal with that grief.
Speaker 2Yeah, and I mentioned my mom. I should mention my dad too, because here you have you get a call from the doctor and your wife's in labor and you get to the hospital and say, oh sorry, he didn't make it. So what did my father go through, you know?
Speaker 2So it's not just you know, I know there's a lot of focus on, certainly, the mother who gave birth or had the miscarriage, but a couple who are excited about this new baby and bought the, you know decorated the room and you know planned the christening and whatever. So, anyway, I mean that's yeah, I mean it's nice that you approach, you know, therapy from a lot of different angles. One of the other things that you offer is a spiritual, I guess, approach or people that want to explore issues of spirituality. So what does that mean?
Creating Safe Spaces for Growth
Speaker 3Well, there are times when people want to explore their reason for being, their relationship with the spiritual side of things, be that something of a faith journey, whatever faith that might be, and I think that in the past, some therapists might have shied away from that, thinking that wasn't their role. But the role as a therapist is to be with the client and it is the client who sets the tone, sets the stage, and it is the client who sets the tone, sets the stage, and so I'm very open to talking to people and helping them explore their own faith is. I'm looking at the client and so it is client-centered, but I want to let people know that I welcome that into the therapy room. My goal is to provide a safe space in therapy and I think this is the goal of all therapists to provide a safe space for people to explore and grow and live the most productive life that they can.
Speaker 2And I'd imagine sometimes you don't even have to give them any advice or tools, just the fact of being able to speak to somebody, to talk about what's bothering them. You're so right, then you then it's almost like if you're the bartender or the hairdresser that hears you got to get off their chest but, like you said, they're in a safe space and they know that you're equipped to help them, even if you're just a shoulder and an ear.
Speaker 3Yes and and uh, to have, uh uh, a nonjudgmental person. That is so huge, you know, because sometimes people are talking to family and friends and everybody's got an opinion, or maybe the client is embarrassed or ashamed, thoughts and feelings and uh it. The importance of a safe space and a kind nurturing person is critical.
Speaker 2I've talked to other therapists and other people in similar fields and One of the things that you find culturally in the Western world, I'd say, is that men do not speak about their feelings too much with other men.
Speaker 2So there was two women who started a practice. It's more of like they have these virtual support groups where people can get together and talk about things, almost like a AA. But I said, do you have many men that join these? Like not really. And I know when I first moved to Bergen County eight years ago, I heard of a couple of suicides of men in their 40s and 50s that stepped in front of a train and someone told me that it was actually a growing issue with men at that age because maybe they're at a point in their lives where they thought they should have been more established, or maybe they're going through a divorce or other things and they don't have that safe space, so to speak. It's not like you don't sit around with your poker buddies talking about feelings, you know where. Maybe women are more apt to do that. And do you find or do you have like having that safe space? Do you have just male clients that you work with? Oh, absolutely. Do you find that there's a need for that.
Speaker 3Absolutely.
Speaker 3You know, I there was a period of time and it still remains. There was a period of time, and it still remains, I would, I would get cops and firemen and you know the people who saw, I'll say the worst of the worst and you know, for example, where are they going to go to talk to people about their feelings. You know, oftentimes I mean sad but true that stereotype of you know sitting at the bar and and so on, and, and sometimes it would be the stereotype of you know sitting at the bar and so on, and sometimes it would be the wife who you know, kind of prompted the guy to come into therapy. But you know, they've seen so many things and where do they go to talk about their feelings? Well, it's a great safe space for them to go and talk about things. Go and talk about things.
Speaker 3And, yes, I certainly have dealt with people who are suicidal, who you know are really at the end of their rope in terms of holding on, and that is so critical, to know that there is a person out there who cares about you, who wants you to get through the hard times. So it is hard. It is hard for men more often.
Speaker 3I'm generalizing now more often still in this society to talk about their feelings and I'll say, oh sorry, doug, no, no go ahead, go ahead. One of the things that we found with COVID was teenagers of the things that we found with COVID was teenagers. I mean that has been really a crisis in terms of thinking of suicide. That's been a tough time for the teens.
Speaker 2Yeah, I feel. I mean, my son was young enough not to, you know, he was like in kindergarten, first grade, so it wasn't I really felt for the high school seniors and the college students. Yes, and you know we're running out of time, but just getting to the social media part of things and I think nowadays, 20 years later, with, you know, with the advent of the iPhone and all that that we are, we understand better as parents the dangers of social media and but you know, 15 years ago, 10 years ago, we didn't really know. And then what teenagers went through. I can only imagine what it would have been like when I was growing up but people were taking pictures, you know, shame and making fun of you. It would have been, you know, you feel awkward enough. Yes, yes.
Speaker 2And I was going to say when I was interrupting you was that you know Tony Soprano sought help. He had to hide it. You know he was almost rubbed out because they found out his up. So Tony Soprano can see Dr Malfi. You know, that's true, right, yeah.
Speaker 3I used to love those sessions.
Speaker 2But he had to hide it. I mean, once Carmela found out about it, she was very happy, but you know he couldn't tell his friends or his his, uh, conciliatory. So, nancy, this was great, you know I, I, um. So how would people you know reach you? And, um, you know where are you located? We, we spoke about Waldwick, but why don't you tell us? I'm on.
Speaker 3I'm on a 71 Franklin Turnpike in Waldwick. Um, you can just Google me, Nancy Dykstra- Powers. You can always go to Psychology Today. You'll find my profile, a write-up and my website. So it's my name, Nancy Dykstra Powers, ndykstrapowers. com, and just Google me, Waldwick, and my picture will pop up. That's great.
Positive Therapy Approach in Action
Speaker 2That's great. That's great. Well, Nancy, thank you so much for being on the show. I think we could talk a long time.
Speaker 3We could.
Speaker 2Your approach is. You know, I could see the. I love the fact that it's focusing on the positive and it's not a punitive way of looking at therapy. But you know, unfortunately we're running out of time, so we're going to say goodbye here. Just bear with me. We're going to have Chuck close it out and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3Great Doug, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1Thank you for listening to the Good Neighbor Podcast. To nominate your favorite local businesses to be featured on the show, go to gnpbergencom. That's gnpbergen. com, or call 201-298-8325.