Good Neighbor Podcast: Bergen
Bringing together local businesses and neighbors of Bergen County
Good Neighbor Podcast: Bergen
Ep # 131 The Science of Self-Improvement: A Therapist's Approach
What does therapy really look like beyond the stereotypical image of lying on a couch while someone silently takes notes? In this illuminating conversation, licensed clinical social worker Liandra Aptekar Hamburg introduces us to the power of solution-focused therapy and why quick fixes rarely lead to lasting change.
Liandra brings eleven years of clinical experience to her virtual practice serving New York and New Jersey clients. Her approach transforms the traditional therapist role into something far more dynamic – she becomes a thought partner, problem solver, and accountability holder who helps clients develop practical tools they can use long after their session ends. "I take an active role in my work with clients," she explains. "I'm not only listening, but also problem solving and incorporating cognitive behavioral strategies for hands-on tools and goal setting."
The conversation explores common misconceptions about therapeutic progress and why real change often involves uncomfortable growth. Yolandra shares how she helps clients understand the interconnectivity between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to break harmful patterns. She also reveals her journey from school social worker to private practice owner, motivated by her own childhood academic struggles and her mother's advocacy that helped her realize learning differently didn't mean failure.
One of her most valuable tools? The "therapy notebook" – a tangible way to capture insights during sessions. "Writing helps emotions leave our body onto the page, which then serves as our memory and safety net," she explains. This simple practice creates a personalized toolbox clients can reference whenever needed.
Whether you're curious about therapy, considering starting your journey, or simply interested in understanding how our minds work, this conversation offers valuable perspective on the path to mental wellness. Ready to learn more? Contact Liandra through Psychology Today or reach her at 516-603-2679 for a free 15-minute consultation.
Liandra Aptekar Hamburg LCSW
Liandra Aptekar Hamburg
516-603-2679
This is the Good Neighbor Podcast, the place where local businesses and neighbors come together. Here's your host, Doug Drohan.
Speaker 2:Hey everyone, Welcome to another episode of the Good Neighbor Podcast brought to you by the Bergen Neighbors Media Group. I am your host, Doug Drohan, and today we are joined by ,Liandra Aptekar Hamburg or, as some might say, Hamburg. Anyway, , welcome to the show.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me, Doug.
Speaker 2:So after your name there's an acronym, lcsw, which is Licensed Clinical Social Worker. So why don't we get right into it? What do you do for a living? What's the name of your company? And let's go from there.
Speaker 3:What do you do for a living? What's the name of your company? And let's go from there. Awesome.
Speaker 3:So I am a psychotherapist and, like you said, licensed clinical social worker. So I have a virtual practice and I serve clients in New York and New Jersey and I see adolescents, I see young adults, adults and couples, so I am technically a standard therapist. Social workers work in all different types of forms and settings. I am a virtual practice, so my approach is. What makes me a little bit different is I'm solution focused, and what that looks like is I take an active role in my therapy and my work with my clients, so I'm not only listening, but I'm also serving as a thought partner. I'm problem solving, I'm an accountability holder and I use a lot of cognitive behavioral strategies to incorporate hands-on tools and goal setting. I typically give homework in my sessions and all of that serves to act as stronger facets for my clients to be able to access strategies outside of their therapy session. So that is a little bit about how I approach therapy and how I work with my clients.
Speaker 2:So that's what you mean by solution focused. So it's not just a one way street where I'm going to lay on the couch and expect you to solve all my problems.
Speaker 3:You want, exactly, exactly. That's definitely one form of therapy, but that is, that is not my approach at all. It's quite the opposite, actually.
Speaker 2:Right. I mean, as you say it's collaborative and it's cognitive, which I guess is, as you say it's collaborative and it's cognitive, which I guess is, you know, the opposite of cognitive is let's just give you a pill and we'll deal with your depression. Cognitive, I guess, is more about trying to understand why you feel the way you do and then giving you coping mechanisms of how to kind of work the problem, as they say in Apollo 13. Is that correct or is that accurate?
Speaker 3:Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what it looks like when we're working together is we figure out what is the problem or what is your goal? How do we think about things? How do we connect? It's the interconnectivity between how we think, how we feel and what we do.
Speaker 3:the interconnectivity between how we think, how we feel and what we do. So we have to recognize what the pattern is and how that cycles and then figure out together where can we do some trial and error here whether it's changing the way we think and how we think, whether it's changing what we do, how we react, how we communicate. But we have to kind of change something within the cycle to change that kind of pattern that we create.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you know you go down that rabbit hole and it's kind of a domino effect of you start to feel this way and then this kicks in and this kicks in. So I forget who it was, who said it Maybe a lot of people said this, but you know how. You know how we we're all, a lot of us are all experience the same thing. It's how we we're all, a lot of us are all all experienced the same thing. It's how we react to that and you can, you can say how we choose to react to it, and some people feel like they don't have a choice and maybe, you know, sometimes you do feel powerless. So the important thing is having those, the skillset to say, okay, I'm starting to feel this way now, instead of going down that dark path of anxiety, of feeling worthless or helpless. What is it that I can do to you know? Is it taking a deep breath? Is it focusing on positive things? But you know it's always easier said than done, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that's, and that's, that's why we exist right. It's like if it were that easy, or if we were able to kind of figure that out for ourselves. It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with us that we can't. It just means we need to process, we need to bounce ideas, we need perspective, we need to get out of the way it is in our head.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm sure it all takes just one session with you and then they're cured, so to speak, right that they just come in for, you know, 30 to 90 minutes and then they're done.
Speaker 3:Exactly, and that's, that's definitely one of those things that when we think about like misconceptions, or what people kind of think about when they when they start therapy or when they are like, okay, let me start this new journey for myself, is this, you know, expectation of what progress looks like and this kind of magic wand that therapy can fix me, or make me feel better and, yeah, in some cases absolutely right, Like we might have a problem or a stressor and that might resolve or pass and we feel better and that's great.
Speaker 3:But a lot of times therapy actually entails change. That takes practice and failure and we're we're unlearning a lot of deeply rooted dynamics and and patterns. That's uncomfortable and complex.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like advertising people. People tell me oh you know, I tried it for a month or two and I didn't get any calls, so it doesn't work. And I always say you know, listen, it's a. I can't change consumer behavior or consumer psychology or the way the human brain works when it comes to familiarization, memory. You know the forgetting curve. I heard a talk once where somebody said that human beings forget like 90% of something they just learned if they don't actively relearn it or reiterate within the next day could be even hours. So there's like the forgetting curve. But then there's the learning curve, which is familiarization. And you know there's sociologists who came up with the mirror exposure effect and different things dating back to the 1800s that a lot of marketing is based on. But it's how the human brain reacts to stimuli and then how we recall or remember things. So yeah, you know there's very few businesses. You know you get in your haircut. Sure, you get your haircut, you get instant gratification, or you're getting your bathroom remodeled or whatever.
Speaker 3:But yeah, so my solution, like my approach of solution oriented, is that, like you know, it might change, might take a while, it might be uncomfortable and difficult, but like my goal is that even at every session that we kind of frame things in a way that feels hopeful, that feels like we can take these difficult things that might might not feel better right away or might we might have trouble changing or accessing, but like making it in kind of like a growth mindset model.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean, sometimes just talking to somebody makes you feel better, you know. That's why bartenders and hairdressers and personal trainers sometimes you know they become their therapist because they just want to get it off their chest. So one of the things you uncover is you know what got people to where they are right. Does it mean, like the Freudian method of, you know, blaming your parents for everything? Or is it yeah?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah. So definitely that is a framework in clinical work and and psychology and and change. I tend to not be as focused on that. If there are things that you know you might come to the table or you have no idea how we got here, we definitely worked. You know problem solve and be detectives and like how did it get here? And sometimes things are worked. You know problem solve and be detectives and like how did it get here? And sometimes things are, you know, very related to how we grew up. If we think about development like that nature and nurture, like oftentimes, it's a combination of nature and nurture.
Speaker 3:but if we can understand what part is nature, what part is nurture, where did you know? We get these kind of judgments of how we should live our life or how we do unconsciously live our life, and it really does help us be able to create change. But I'm not so focused and heavy on that unless it's necessary, based on what you come to me for.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think One of the reasons people like Ancestrycom or you know things like that, is it kind of has a roadmap of who you are or why you are who you are. Yeah, On a different note, like my mom just shared a story. She's 90 years old and I knew that when she was 21, she drove to California with her girlfriend, borrowed a family car and in 1956, you know, you're two 21-year-old women driving across the country, but on our way out there the car broke down a couple of times. They got jobs working as car hops out in Oklahoma. My mother, they were in LA. They found out that Elvis Presley was landing at the airport, so they drove to the airport and got his autograph and all these things. And you know, just like for me to start my own business was a risk right. And then my grandmother, my mother's mother and father, owned a couple of fish markets. My uncle, you know, had this. So sometimes you see these traits in a family that kind of explain who you are.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And on the positive side, I'm like, oh okay, you know, maybe we did have this kind of entrepreneurial streak that runs through us, and I think a lot of that is nature, because, you know, my mom, you know, being a child of the depression encouraged me to get a, you know, a civil servant job, like the post office or something like that, because it was a union job. Yeah, you know. So it's interesting to understand on the positive side, while we are who we are, but I guess it's also important to understand that, you know, maybe we act a certain way.
Speaker 3:Yeah, uh, we also don't want to get stuck in like we are.
Speaker 2:We are who we are, right, right yeah, because if you're not happy with it, then yeah, right. So, um, are there certain kinds of uh issues or patients that you deal with more now? Uh, first of all, how long have you been a therapist?
Speaker 3:yeah, so I? I've been practicing for 11 years and private practice for seven or so years um and I. I started off and I can. I can share more about this, but I started off working in the school systems and different kinds of school settings and I can, if necessary. If you're interested, I can share more why I started there.
Speaker 3:But how I got here is I wanted to really broaden my clinical skills and work with more people and I felt like I had so much to give and I felt like a little like the barriers and boundaries like really limited that. So with private practice, I work with tons of different issues. A lot of my specialties, being solution focused, is with anxiety, depression, life transitions. With anxiety, depression, life transitions, it could be grief I work a lot with grief, so I really see a lot of everybody. But with solution-focused like anxiety, depression, goals, like even something where we're like feeling like, oh, like I just really want to do this and I can't believe I can't do this on my own kind of thing.
Speaker 3:It doesn't have to be a bigger experience than that.
Speaker 2:Right, I know, since you started before COVID. I know during COVID there was a difficult time for a lot of teenagers and students and you know, and being in Bergen County and Wyckoff, and the pressures that a lot of the kids and students are under to succeed and to go to great colleges and to be this, that and the other thing you know, different therapists that I've met over the years said that that became a bigger part of their practice is working with teenagers and working with young adults. Because there's, you know, and more so now as a result of you know, everybody working virtually Right, as a result of you know everybody working virtually Right. So I, you know, I grew up, obviously in a different era where you went to work every day. Yeah, and you know I worked in Manhattan my whole career and, yeah, nobody loved the commute, but once you were there, there's a certain camaraderie, a certain community that is lacking these days.
Speaker 2:You know, just going out for a drink, going out for somebody's birthday, going joining the, you know the softball team or whatever teams are going on, or you know somebody's pregnant and having a big thing in the office for their you know, or their wedding, and just missing that, and I would think that that just makes dealing with social issues so much more challenging.
Speaker 3:Such a toll, and that's part of what I was like. You know, I love working with adolescents and it's still one of my specialty areas. However, more people struggled, not just adolescents, not just school age and, you know, struggled with, you know, even going back to work or even getting back integrated into the way things were. So I really, you know that that's what made me kind of go into my full-time practice as opposed to school-based.
Speaker 2:So what, what advice do you give people that are now, you know, working in this new hermetically sealed work environment? Like, do you say, or do you advise them to say, hey, try to go out and be actually, you know, create a social networking situation with your coworkers and like, if they're not doing it, maybe you could suggest a few of you get together. Or like, are there anything like any types of new types of networking that's happening now that people are not together every day?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think I. You know it's easy to say this blanket statement like yes, social, like everyone wants and needs social experience. You know, I really try to understand like what does what is that person missing? Because some people might have more interaction in other ways that isn't work related or, you know, and they might not need that, you know, socialization or that kind of interaction with work. So I really do try to like understand what does that person need and what do they want?
Speaker 3:But what is getting in the way? And then it's, it's still very challenging for people to feel like they. How can they make new friends or connect with people when there isn't this inherent community that you know feels easily accessible, but you know it's. So, yeah, I really try to take an approach of like what is a small step? So it might not be like, oh, like, go to this event, or like, oh, like you know, reach out to this person, but like what are those steps before that actually make that feel like well, this is why I didn't do it on my own and we really try to problem solve that together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so you mentioned you used to work in the school system. So why was that? And and because you mentioned you know if we want to get into that, so what? You know, that was your first kind of where you were like a counselor or what was that role?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I was a school social worker. And how I got into that is I grew up. My mom is a psychologist, so I grew up with a therapist in the house and I watched her.
Speaker 3:I watched her, you know, really see, I saw the power of her advocacy and support with her clients but also for myself. I, as a school age child, struggled a lot academically and without my mom's advocacy and support and push for services I really would have suffered a lot more. I did suffer, but a lot more, and with that help and advocacy and support and voice I was able to learn how to accept that I learned differently and that that didn't mean I was a failure. It didn't mean there was something wrong with me. I just was different. And once I was able to accept that for myself, I created these like tactile study skills and tools of how I needed to learn and how I needed to process, and that experience inspired me to want to do that with other kids and adolescents and and school aged um.
Speaker 3:So when I went to, I went to graduate school at Columbia university and when I graduated I did one of my internships in a special education school and when I graduated I was like schools, like that's. That was why I did this Um and you know I worked for lots of years and I love my work there as a school social worker and counselor. Every school kind of organizes the word differently. Um, but like I was kind of saying, I really I felt like I I met a lot of barriers, of how my clinical passion like couldn't be met and I really just wanted to like help more people, not just work with adolescents. I was working with parents, but like I was like I want to work with parents more, not just, you know, with their child in the school you know school period, so that's kind of what like shifted me into where my passion started and where my passion is now.
Speaker 2:Nice and I noticed on your, you know, on your social media, you have like this reverse to do list and if you talk to athletes any successful athlete they usually say I remember the failures more than the triumphs. They remember losing that championship game, they remember striking out with the bases loaded, they remember missing whatever. They remember that that's more visceral and more memorable than the accomplishments, that the five championships whatever, the accomplishments that the five championships, whatever. So I think it's. You know, it seems to be human nature to always think about the things you didn't do or or have those regrets.
Speaker 2:But one of the things I know, you know as an entrepreneur, that I hear from a lot of people, either on TED talks or in this networking group that I'm with, is a lot of people talk about waking up every day with gratitude and, you know, being grateful for the things you have and sometimes that can just set your mind, you know, your mindset shift in a better way if you can try to do that every day. But I think there is, you know, again, it's kind of that rabbit hole of people going down that woe is me and like, oh, you know, I've failed at this and I stink at this and I'm not good at that, and as a parent, you know you're always trying to, you know, elevate your kids and try to get them out of that. But sometimes it's really tough, you know, and we've all been there. So I like the idea of trying to write down and acknowledge. Do you find writing something down rather than just thinking about it has a difference? Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, part of like my bread and butter, I like to. I call this like the quotes you can't see my quotes but a therapy notebook, and what that is is exactly that. It's a place where we can write down things that resonate with you throughout our sessions, because I mean 45 minutes of talking and listening. There's so much that happens that when we're done, I know even the way that I process. I forget most of things. I might remember one thing and that one thing is great to remember, but let's like not leave it up to our memory. Let's write things down in the moment. Like not leave it up to our memory, let's write things down in the moment. And then also, we build this tangible like toolbox where, like cognitive restructuring, like coping strategies, mindfulness, how to think more positively, like we work together and we create a place to have that all.
Speaker 3:And I truly believe, like with my own struggles with learning, I realize and working in schools, that you know writing it has us process in an additional way, as opposed to just listening and then like speaking. So we're kind of using this as like if we talk about a cycle. Writing actually like helps us. Leave our things leave our body, emotion leaves our body, words leave our body. Our thoughts are leaving our body onto the page and then that page serves as our memory. It serves as a, as a toolbox as a net, a safety net.
Speaker 3:So I definitely am. I'm a huge advocate of writing, and it doesn't even have to be like a journal or a diary if we're not comfortable or we don't like that kind of corny approach. So yeah, I'm all about it.
Speaker 2:That's great. That's great. So how do people you know how would they contact you? And you said everything's virtual. So how long is the session typically? And then you know what's the best way to reach you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so a standard session time, a standard psychotherapy hour, is actually 45 minutes. So sessions are 45 minutes as I'm very flexible, so if someone wants a longer session, we can work together with that. I really try to make therapy accessible for everyone, no matter what their barriers are, or if you know, like I, just I know I need more time.
Speaker 3:We can definitely work that out, but sessions are typically 45 minutes. And if you want to reach out to me, I do have a Psychology Today page. You can search Leandra Aptakar, hamburg or Leandra Hamburg, and I also have an Instagram that is L A H underscore therapy and you can always see some content there. But also you can send me a message. Also, there is links there to send me an email. So whatever way you feel you feel more comfortable with as a potential client, sometimes people might not like calling and that's totally okay. So those are, those are some ways, and I do a free consultation, typically 15 or so minutes, to see if we're a good fit. You can ask me any questions, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, speaking of anxiety, you went off on your own to start your own practice. What has that been like? You know being a business owner and I speak to so many. This is what the show is all about, right, and you studied to be a licensed clinical social worker, or the other guy studied to be a plumber, or she studied to be, you know, a plastic surgeon. No one taught them how to run a business no one, you know. They didn't study marketing. They didn't, you know, study accounting. So what has it been like running your own practice? And is there any advice you could give to someone in your field who's you know wants to go off on their own?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I you know I've learned through my mentors and who I've worked with a ton and also, of course, like I might read, I ask a lot of questions. So when I meet people, I'm always asking them, I'm always inquisitive and kind of learning from other people. I'm a big like why recreate a wheel that's already working right? So I'm speaking to a lot of people, but also I'm taking risks and I'm just putting myself out there and I might not know everything and I might, you know, be learning along the way and what can I do better next year or next time? So it's still a work in progress, yeah.
Speaker 2:I always say you know there's a thing in closing ABC always be closing. But I always say ABL equals ABG, which is always be learning, is always be growing.
Speaker 3:Yep, I love it. You get my approach.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, you have to know what you know and then ask for help for things that you don't know how to do. So, yeah, this is great. So, leandra, thank you very much for joining the show. You and I will be right back, but let's just recap real quickly again the phone number to reach you, and so it's 646-863-4012.
Speaker 3:So that's actually so. My Psychology Today page actually does like a ghost number. My number is it's 516-603-2679. And if you do reach out via Psychology Today, it will still reach me with your number and then I will call you back or, if I pick up, I'm happy to give my phone number that way as well.
Speaker 2:So Long Island, New York, you can't take the. Yeah, I'm a Long Islander too. But you don't live in Long Island. Now You're in Washington.
Speaker 3:No, I'm a Jersey convert.
Speaker 2:Yep, same here, same here. Well, this is great, just bear with. Chuck's just going to take us out and you and I will be right back. Okay, just bear with, the Chuck's just going to take us out and you and I'll be right back.
Speaker 1:Okay, thank you for listening to the good neighbor podcast. To nominate your favorite local businesses to be featured on the show, go to GNP Bergen. com. That's GNP Bergen. com, or call 201-298-8325.