Dating Diaries: Dating With Intention, Not Settling & Confusing Chemistry With Compatibility with Jess Hendrick

This is your Valentines Day Dating 101 Diary refresher because we’re done doing things the hard way. We’re raising standards and finally admitting that chemistry alone isn’t enough. Just because it’s exciting or confusing doesn’t mean it’s aligned. I’m joined by dating coach Jess Hendrick, who helps individuals heal at the root, break the patterns that keep them stuck, and call in aligned, healthy love. With a background in psychology and a focus on conscious partnership and trauma healing, she reminds us that real change doesn’t come from chasing different circumstances it comes from healing your inner world first. We’re talking about raising standards and why chemistry alone isn’t enough. Just because it’s exciting or confusing doesn’t mean it’s aligned, and confusion is not marriage material. Butterflies are cute, but they are not a life plan. We get into not settling, spotting red flags early, dating without losing yourself, and choosing compatibility over chaos. It’s also about being the healthiest version of you before getting into something, while still choosing someone who’s willing to grow with you. No games, no mixed signals. We’re looking for men, not boys. If you’re single, dating, or in your “I know better now” era, this is your reminder that the right connection should feel safe, mutual, and intentional. Date smarter, trust your instincts, and stop settling for almost. 💘

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Transcript

Meet Jess Hendrick

unknown 0:06

This is the Dry Diaries with your author, Alex Dry.

Alex 0:18

Hey guys, what's up? It's your author, Alex Dry, and I am back with another entry of the Dry Diaries for February. We're doing our love dating relationship series. So today I have Jess Hendrick. Hi. I'm so grateful to be here. I'm so excited. She's a trauma-informed relationship partnership coach who helps individuals and couples heal the root, break free from repeating patterns, and create relationships that actually feel safe and aligned. And for all the single girls out there, if you feel like you're dating the same type, just in a different body, then this is also for you because we're gonna get to the root of why and just talk about so many other things. You have a background in psychology?

SPEAKER_00 1:07

Yeah, I've always been so fascinated just by why we are the way we are. And it started with my journey with myself. I always felt like a fish out of water here on earth and didn't feel like I belonged. So I dove into psychology and I studied psychology in school. And then I just have this insatiable appetite for all things, relationship. And yeah, so it's kind of it's born of my passion, this work.

Alex 1:29

Okay, so before we get into the whole dating thing, I just wanna talk about something I think so many of us relate to. We're taught that if we just fix the outside of ourselves, such as career, money for a relationship, because we have to be the perfect version of ourself before entering into one. And that's such a misconception.

Why “Perfectly Healed” Is A Myth

SPEAKER_00 1:54

I think that is that's really a trap that we tell ourselves, like, oh, I have to be perfectly healed before I'm ready. And the truth is that relationships, especially romantic, are going to bring up our stuff, right? So even if we've taken some time, which I think is great, take time, focus on you, build your life up, become the person that you want to attract, do all those things. But the second that you get into a relationship, things will come up that will be illuminated by the relationship, right? Yeah. So nothing's actually wrong. It's just an opportunity to heal some of these things that weren't really reflected back because we didn't get close enough to someone, right? The intimacy will reflect back anything within us that still needs to be healed.

Alex 2:39

And that kind of leads to like even your childhood. If you have past things of abandonment, then that can reflect in a relationship later on. And if that hasn't been worked on or healed, then it's gonna take an effect into your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Thousand percent. Because a lot of people don't even know what hit them. They'll get into a relationship or they'll even just a dating situation, and something will trigger rejection or abandonment. And then all of a sudden they're acting in a way that's nothing like themselves because they're coming from fight or flight, maybe saying or doing something that they really wish they weren't saying or doing, but they're hijacked.

SPEAKER_03 3:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

And it's so common. And a lot of times we're playing out the wounding from our past from childhood. It's not even really about the person in front of us. It could be something's happening that's worthy of our attention, but it's blown way out of proportion because of the past wound. So it's like if you have a wound and then you put salt in the wound, then you know it's there. But the wound was there before. So it's the same thing with relationship or dating. It'll just show us, oh, shoot, that's where I have some work to do. A lot of the clients that I work with, they are really self-aware, they've done a lot of work, but they're still having these same patterns come up over and over again. And like you said, we're taught in society to go outside and fix it somehow, right? Maybe if I get the carp, the money, the job, the relationship, then it'll fix this thing inside of me. But actually, nothing needs fixing. You're just a human. And we're wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship. So it doesn't even have to be romantic, even with just safe friendships or your relationship with your coach or therapist, all of these things can start rewiring your nervous system so that you can be open enough to experience closeness with another human. Because it can actually be scary to let yourself be really seen in all of your humanness, all of your imperfectly perfect humanness.

Alex 4:30

That's actually something we are just talking about is I'm single living in LA, and I think that a lot of other people deal with this is dating in LA. And it's almost feels like it's a chore than it is anything else, because you have to find the connection. And then from there you go to dinner, lunch, or coffee. And then it almost feels like an interview, a transactional conversation to see, like, oh, do you meet what I want? Okay, do you meet what I want? Okay, we can go on a second date. From there, you can pursue forward, but it's okay. I'm telling this person that I just met because I'm also a Sag. So I love to get deep, and I'm not gonna sit there and just, hi, how are you?

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Yeah, you might as well get deep.

Childhood Wounds Driving Adult Dating

Alex 5:09

I'm meeting this random person, getting deep with them, but I might never see them again. What is your advice for people who are single and struggling with seeing going on dates more of a chore?

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Oh, totally. I so hear you. Cause I lived in LA for 20 years, dated in LA a lot. More than I would ever wish on anybody, honestly. And it is quite a journey. I think it's like this everywhere because we're just in this time of expansion, of consciousness, and really creating a new kind of relationship that wasn't available to us before. But yeah, it is, it's funny because one of my friends always talks about he doesn't like to go on dates and sit across from someone. But I think the way around that is to just get really clear within yourself about what you want. What are the qualities in the person that you would want to be in partnership with? And then work on developing those in yourself. Do you have those qualities that, or are you the person that person would want to date themselves? And that's where the work is. And then as far as dating, it's like we gotta screen people. Yeah. Okay. I know it might seem a little weird, but I would say if you're meeting someone on an app or something, FaceTime them first. Save yourself a lot of time. It's a little awkward, but in my opinion, it's way better than going out, go to dinner, and then it's five minutes, you know that it's not aligned. So I would text a little bit, FaceTime, maybe only once. Don't develop this big connection before you've met them, because that's another issue. Then go meet them and then literally talk to yourself on the way there and just you're meeting another human. Try not to go into it of is this my future husband? Is this my future partner, my boyfriend? Because that already is just set up for failure. Okay, human to human, I'm gonna sit with a human and get to know them and let's see if there's alignment. And I think you feel it pretty quickly. The more clear you are with yourself, you can recognize it. Versus if you're not clear within yourself, then it's oh, and then you end up dating them for three months, a year, two years. And then the things that actually end up ending the relationship were present really early on. Yeah.

Alex 7:13

I feel that even with myself, if I go on a date within the first five minutes, I'm like, yeah. Okay. The best advice I got though was just treat it like you're meeting a new friend. Take something positive that they're sharing and leave something with them that is positive. It's making an impact and moving forward. I definitely went through a stage where I would romanticize and be like, okay, this is my husband. We're gonna get married.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

I think we all understand that. Everyone's gone through that stage. It's really fantasy, right? We're going in with this fantasy, and then no one's actually gonna live up to that fantasy. So it's like bringing it back to reality, knowing our mind's gonna do what our mind's gonna do. It's gonna say, oh, maybe it's my husband, maybe this. Okay, cool. Bring it into reality. We're meeting another person. And I love what you said. Bring something of value, and you never know what's gonna come from that connection. Even if it's not a romantic connection, maybe they know your guy, or maybe there's a career opportunity, or who knows, or maybe you have something of value to give to them.

Alex 8:11

So what if at this point in your life you desire a relationship and meeting your forever partner, but you just don't have the energy to put out there to meet that person, whether it's the dating apps, it's going out.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Totally, I know. Yes, it takes a lot of energy. So, this is what I would do. This is what I started doing. I would just do something that I would want to do anyway. Like I'd go to an event that maybe I'd want to go anyway, that maybe it would be a networking event, also, but I might meet someone there and stack it so that no matter what, I'm doing something valuable for myself.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Okay.

Making LA Dating Less Of A Chore

SPEAKER_00 8:44

Or just start doing something that you love. Go and do the things you love, and you'll bump into people that are doing the things that they love, and then you have something in common. So for me, it's yoga. I just started going to yoga five or six days a week and then develop this whole community of people from the yoga studio. And then it's just interesting. You never know what leads to what. But if you just focus on taking care of yourself, building up your own life independent of a partner, then people end up coming in. Eventually, I think when it's time, there's some things that we just can't control. And we can do all the things and we can still like for me, it took me, I'm 44. It took me 44 years to meet my guy.

Alex 9:23

Met him this year.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Talk about the level of patience, but also the level of meltdowns and breakdowns and being like, oh my God, I'm doomed. I'm never gonna meet somebody and helping all these other people, but it's not in the cards for me. So funny how that works too. One of my girlfriends, she didn't meet her guy till she was 42, and she was like, I had to be patient. And I was like, okay, maybe when I'm 42. And then a 42 came and went, and I was, and it's tough, but I do believe that if you're meant to come together with someone, things will be moved. You'll be redirected. And I do think to you taking care of yourself. So if you're really tired, don't force yourself to go out. Stay home, take care of yourself, go out when you have energy.

Alex 10:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

And the universe will keep rearranging things and bring you together with whoever you're meant to meet.

Alex 10:06

I'm from Texas originally. So from the South. And a lot of people go to college, get married, have kids. And so coming out here was really refreshing because a lot of people don't have that southern pressure.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

Yeah.

Alex 10:18

But people still in their early 30s feel like they're so behind. They're like, I really want a relationship. I want to meet my husband. So, what is the best advice for them if they're feeling like it's just not on the cards for me?

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Oh, I know that one so deeply. Where it's, what's wrong with me? Like, why is this not happening for me? Why is this happening for this and this person or whatever? For so many years, that was my experience too. I was just like, oh, why does this person get to meet someone? Why do they get to have a child? What's even gonna happen with that? And I think like it's very real and very human to be able to speak openly about it because there's a lot of ideas in society around things happening at a certain time.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

And like this and this, check this and this box. And if you do it, then you're good. And if you don't, then something's wrong with you. There's only so much you can control, right? So if you're having beliefs like that come up, you wanna do the work around them to expand your perception. And a lot of the time it'll be if you're feeling dysregulated or upset, right? So after a date that's really bad, or maybe after a breakup, your mind is gonna tell you all kinds of things from a fight or flight energy of, oh my gosh, what if something's wrong with me? What if it's not gonna happen for me? And all of these fear thoughts that are really just programmed into your subconscious. So we want to get into those beliefs and actually rewire your brain. And a lot of it is working on regulating your nervous system. Because as soon as you get regulated, all of a sudden it's like new perspective. Oh, wait, it's okay. Like everything's unfolding. It's okay, it's perfect. Like the timing is perfect. And this societal blueprint is so wonky because who invented this thing? It makes everyone feel behind. I know. And then people that have followed it to a T and then still they aren't feeling happy. Yeah. So then what does that feel like? Yeah. It's like this whole thing, it's a psyop, in my opinion. It's not good for us.

Patience, Timing & Self Care

Alex 12:07

Yeah. You can follow the time that people tell you that you should follow. But at the end of the day, if 24-year-old Alex got married whenever it could have happened, I probably would have been divorced by now. 100%. I hate to say that or put that out there, but the growth that I've had in those years is insane. Yeah. You skipped your first divorce. Yeah, literally. Good job. It's so crazy to think about. We should celebrate that. Yeah. Honestly. Why do you think our romantic patterns always trace back to our childhood, even when we don't consciously remember anything being wrong?

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Such a good question. Because I have a lot of like a variation of people come to see me. And some people come and say, Oh, my childhood was great. I don't have any trauma. I don't understand, but I keep ending up in this dynamic or this cycle with every person that I date. And again, it really goes back to the nervous system. And our nervous systems and our belief systems are really wired between the ages of zero and seven. So whether we remember or not, our body remembers things. And whenever we've had a high state of emotion, negative emotion, we will create a belief around that emotion that will supposedly protect us, right? Oh, I'm gonna be alone, or people always leave, or I have to be perfect to be lovable, whatever it is. It's designed to keep us safe and protect us from going through whatever the stimulus was that created that belief, right? So this is what happens is we are drawn towards what's familiar. So whether we consciously know it or not, there could be a hundred people in front of you, right? And you'll pick the one that's gonna prove these beliefs right.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

And that it's a little bit, we need to become aware of it because otherwise it's gonna keep reinforcing the belief that something's wrong with me, like you said, or I'm behind, or whatever.

Alex 14:03

Or like how people say repeating generational trauma because actually you're picking something that you grew up around or what is familiar to you. Yes. So interesting.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

I have a client and she I love her so much. We've been doing a lot of work together, and she promised herself that she didn't want to be with someone like her dad. And so she did everything she could imagine to choose a partner that was not like her dad. And spoiler alert, that's exactly how it turned out. He ended up having the patterns, the behaviors of her dad. And it's just what happens. And so the only way to shift it and actually be the cycle breaker, which is what a lot of us are doing now, which is why it takes longer too. If you're doing deep work, you're having so many iterations of yourself. Like you said, 24-year-old Alex, maybe married now, maybe wouldn't be the best thing. Maybe now it's better. So we will keep recreating the same thing. And that's why you'll see these patterns in families repeating cycle after cycle until someone comes along. Probably a lot of people that are listening to this podcast will relate to this. You're the one that's like, wait, no, I want to break this cycle. I want to have a different experience. So, what do I have to do? So then it's okay, we need to rewire our subconscious minds. We need to work on healing our nervous system, we need to get solid within ourselves because eventually the old thing that you were drawn to, you will see it and you will not go in that direction. But it takes a little time.

Alex 15:25

That's so interesting. My parents divorced when I was maybe around eight or nine, and things came up through Reiki and how the whole right side of your body is masculine, left side's feminine, hip is your dad, mom. I started identifying things, and I was like, whoa. Okay, I've always been the disruptor. I'm the oldest of all my siblings, so I'm always the one that speaks up. Yeah. But now it's crazy. I've come at peace with I'm not the one to change. Yeah. But I can change myself and how I move forward with it. Going back to abandonment, some people experience this at such an early age that they don't even realize at age two or at age four that they felt abandoned and that they lacked that feeling of safety. But they don't know what is triggering that. How do they identify it?

Breaking Generational Patterns

SPEAKER_00 16:19

The abandonment thing is so complicated. Abandonment wounding. And it can be a little confusing because sometimes your parents were there. Yeah. So it's wait, I wasn't abandoned, they were there. But it's bless our parents. They did the best they could with whatever understanding and awareness, knowledge that they had. They didn't have a book on every corner. They didn't have all the therapists coaching. And nobody's perfect. And we're here to learn and we're here to grow. Every one of us has some level of trauma. Yeah. But the abandonment thing is interesting because I have not ever met one person who has abandonment wounding that doesn't also abandon themselves. And so what you were saying, right, around like maybe being in something really not aligned, but the pain of leaving would be so great that it's okay. I'll be uncomfortable. It's better than actually having to end it or experience that pain. That's where we want to start working on again, on the nervous system, on healing the beliefs and getting really clear on what you want. Because when you do the work too, something that happens a lot is like you can shift your own energy and then it changes the dynamic. So you're talking about I can't change these people. You can't. There, that's for sure. Yeah. As someone who's tried like many times, and I'm like, nope, doesn't work, still doesn't work. Try it again, doesn't work. But we can do our work within ourselves and the dynamic changes because then there's no longer that back and forth, that loop happening. And so then the relationship can have a chance to elevate, or you will go your separate ways because you're just in a different frequency.

Alex 17:46

Do you believe in second chances? So if someone is in a relationship, they break up and maybe that person comes back six months later, six weeks later, whatever it may be. Do you think that people should give them a second chance?

SPEAKER_00 18:03

I think it all depends what they did with that time. Really took a deep dive and looked at themselves and did some of their work on themselves and come back and really present that. Then I would say tune in with yourself because every situation is different. Absolutely. I'm someone who's needed second chances many times in my life when I've reacted from triggers, I've said certain things, and like I'm so grateful for people's grace, especially when I was younger. So I think always extending grace, but not at the expense of your own self and your own peace.

Alex 18:33

Yeah. I've been such a big believer if something doesn't work out the first time, it's probably not gonna work out the second time around. I think that whole concept is really interesting because a lot of people are like, oh, you can't take him back. He broke up with you. Don't give him a second chance. Like you said, having grace. It's very situational. But totally.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

I think it really depends too. What were the circumstances? What happened? Is it worth it for you to open yourself up again? Yeah. And really getting clear. I'll have a lot of clients come to me and they're in this in-between space of should I stay? Should I go? Or do I want to repair this or do I want to move forward? And then I'm like, okay, sitting with yourself, what would you need in order to explore this with this person? Get clear within yourself first. And then if they come back, you can have a conversation. Personally, for me, every single relationship I've had, I wouldn't want any of them back. Learned a lot. There was a lot of expansion growth, sometimes a lot of pain, but there's no one from my past that I would want to be with.

Alex 19:29

I feel like each person or each relationship serves a purpose for that moment in time. And for sure. Once it's that chapter's close, that chapter's close, I got my lesson, time to move forward. Whatever's next is better.

SPEAKER_00 19:41

I would say that's probably more often than not. It would be the exception for you to come back because you're gonna have the same issues, but it's like, how are you gonna meet those issues when they come up? If there was something like infidelity, we need to really do some repair around that and create a lot of transparency and safety and work around what even caused that to happen in the first place. Yeah.

Alex 20:03

So that's such a huge topic, too. Infidelity cheating. What do you see most common people who cheat? What does that stem from?

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Oh, that's such a good question. What I see over and over again is that when someone is cheated on, a lot of times they feel like it's something that they did wrong. Right. Or if they had done this, then it would have been different. And it really would not have, because it's within that person. I never want to demonize anyone who has cheated because I get it. These things are complex and nuanced. And if you haven't gotten your needs met for years and years, and then all of a sudden there's someone there that's meeting your needs. Not that it's okay, but shit happens.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:46

Yeah. It's not about you if it happens to you. And if you find yourself being someone who's cheating, then there's some work to do because it's not an integrity.

SPEAKER_01 20:57

Yeah.

Spotting Abandonment And Self Abandonment

SPEAKER_00 20:58

If there's ever any pattern that's showing up in your life and you don't want to be engaging in it and you're engaging in it anyway, then you want to get some support because there's something that's running in the background, subconscious beliefs, wounding that's running the show. That's where we talk about healing at the root. Rather than going out there and finding the next person or finding whatever.

Alex 21:19

100% dating apps. Just swipe to the next one. I think there's also a lack of communication in a lot of relationships, and that probably is where cheating comes in. Even for myself, growing up with divorced parents, I never really saw a healthy marriage in front of me. And so the personality that I have, but also growing up around that, I've had a hard time dealing with emotional communication with a partner. I'm a very direct person. So it also comes across as it can be harsh. But if someone is struggling with communication or they're feeling a certain type of way, what would your advice be?

SPEAKER_00 21:58

Yeah, such a good question. Communication is interesting because this is something that a lot of people may not be aware of, but we're experiencing the world through our own lens all the time, right? So my lens is different than your lens, it's gonna be different than the guy you're dating's lens. And so, because of that, a lot of communication challenges come up because we think that, oh, we see it in this way, we're experiencing it in this way, so they must experience it in that way, but they're experiencing it through their lens based on their past experiences, their trauma, their beliefs, their wounds, right? This is where doing the work on ourselves is super important to understand your own self first. What are your patterns? What are some of the beliefs that show up? What's your, I heard it described before as like your owner's manual. So beyond attachment styles and avoiding, what's your specific owner's manual? And do you know that for your own self? And then from there, you can show up and actually communicate that with a partner. And then hopefully they're doing that same work. And you want to really just do your work within yourself because it shifts your energy, and then you're gonna attract more people that are also doing that work within themselves. But it is a thing. Learning how to communicate is the most important thing. And if we're doing it from a place of panic or being dysregulated, that's where things go off the rails.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

There's techniques that I teach my couples and my clients, but the number one thing is working on regulating yourself first. So if you're having a conversation and things are coming up, as soon as you are able to pause, yeah, let yourself recalibrate, get regulated, and then come back to it when you're calm, because you'll be way more open to hearing the other person's perspective and sharing yours when you're not in fight or flight.

Alex 23:43

So whenever they say don't go to bed in a fire angry, is that a thing? Or should you wait until the next day when you have a fresh perspective?

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Yeah, I think that's such a great question, also, because I think when not going to bed angry, if you're gonna make a bigger mess, if you're still triggered, it might be better to sit on it and pause and sleep on it, but that doesn't mean to stonewall the person or shut them out. So you could just maybe send them a little message or say, Hey, I'm still really activated. I want to repair this with you, but let's just take a little time until we're both centered and then we can come back. So you're not necessarily going to bed angry, but you're also not trying to force something if you're not in the place to talk it out yet.

Alex 24:28

I like that. So, what would your advice be for people who are single that maybe struggle with that emotional communication? It could be someone that they're dating or the first couple dates, even friendships, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

I wanted to come back around to what you said because it's really important about not ever really witnessing healthy communication. And most of us were not taught how to communicate, even if our parents were together, honestly. Maybe you got lucky and you witnessed healthy communication in your home. Amazing. But most of the time we're repeating the patterns that we learned as kids and we're like, oh my gosh, what's going on? It's just not working. And a lot of us were taught that vulnerability is a liability.

SPEAKER_01 25:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

It's not safe to be vulnerable. What happened when you were vulnerable, right? So we want to be vulnerable, but we also want to do it gradually. When say have one or two dates and share your entire life and all your things with somebody, are they actually safe to hold it? We don't know yet. Yeah. So that's where we can get into trouble. A lot of times, what I'll do and I'll suggest that my clients do is just tell the truth. If you're feeling a little nervous or you're practicing doing things differently, share that.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Yeah.

Second Chances, Should We Take Our Ex back

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Just name it. Dating's challenging for me. I'm trying to do it differently. I'm gonna try to be a little vulnerable. It's a little scary. And something happens when we just speak it out. It actually calms our brains down. If we're nervous and we say, I'm a little nervous, it actually calms us down because we're paying attention to that part of ourselves rather than pushing it aside. It's okay, let yourself be nervous.

Alex 25:58

People playing hard to get. What's your take on the chase, playing the game? If a guy is trying to date you or says that he's interested, but just gives you breadcrumbs, or he's not following up, not being consistent, how do you handle that? Do you write that person off? Do you continue?

SPEAKER_00 26:19

Yeah. Good question. The dating world right now, I just feel like I would say again, back to getting clear on what's what works for you. So if you have this list of qualities, consistency or safety, if someone's not showing up that way from the beginning, chances are they're probably not going to. And we can do the thing where we're like, maybe I can correct this somehow, though. It'll activate our attachment wounding, where we're like, okay, this is feeling super unsafe. What can I do to control this? How can I get this person's attention? It wastes so much time and energy versus somebody just showing up as consistent from the beginning. But it's tough sometimes, really just having your own boundaries and even communicating, giving them a chance. Because some guys, some people are like trying to play it cool too, right? So you could let them know. I will say that women definitely lead the energy and we have to hold our standards. And in order to do that, we have to source from within our worth because it's very easy. Oh, he's so cute. I'm attracted to him. Okay, whatever. But if he's breadcrumbing you, eventually that becomes unattractive. Yeah, very quickly. It's not attractive. Show up, be consistent. Guys that are in their healthy masculine are not gonna be doing that bullshit. They're not. They're gonna be like, I'm into you. When are we doing this thing? Yeah, make plans, follow up. That's a good way to discern if someone's actually in their healthy masculine. And we live in LA and there's a lot of craziness here.

Alex 27:47

That is the number one sign, even for myself. I haven't really been actively dating, but 2026, hopefully something new will happen. But from the beginning, if they're not showing initiative, providing the safety and making the plans, putting in the effort, then it's gonna be like that through the relationship. So just save your time, save your energy, stop waiting for a text back.

Infidelity: Roots, Repair, And Capacity

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah. They're showing us from the beginning. And if someone's too into you too quickly, that's also a thing. Oh, yes. So we wanna be mindful of that too. Okay. Like, but you can be consistent and grounded in your masculinity and pace things. They're not gonna leave you wondering, they're not gonna leave you on read. They're not gonna be leaking their energy all over the place. If I had this information when I was younger, I would have saved myself so much time. I spent so much time with the breadcrumby guys or even the toxic guys, because what we're doing is we're trying to correct our childhood wounding with this person. But here's the thing: we're not going to because it's the similar energy. So we're going towards the similar energy, wanting to correct it, wanting to have this restorative repairing experience. But it's fundamentally flawed because we're drawn to that energy that can't do it, because they're not actually capable. That's not a reflection on you. That's a reflection of their capacity, which is hard for a lot of women. Because I will sit with my clients and oh, maybe he just didn't like me. Oh, maybe he's just going out there and he's gonna have this amazing thing with this next girl. And I'm like, probably not, because he has a certain capacity, and that's he's gonna bring that everywhere he goes. So we have to really practice detaching our worth from however this guy is showing up or not showing up, and really practice being in our queen energy, which is a practice. We're gonna have days where it's, oh my gosh, is this ever gonna happen? Eventually you'll end up where you need to be. The more you choose yourself and stand in your power and just hold what you want as sacred, the faster that things will line up. Obviously, this person has to do their work. So again, it's the universe doing its thing.

Alex 29:55

But I love how you said though, go to places that you're already interested in or passionate about, and then you'll meet that person through that. I feel like a lot of the times living in LA, going out on the west side, it's every weekend you're just doing a repetitive pattern and you think that you're gonna meet your husband or your next boyfriend there. It's the same people and they're still in the same cycle. But it's like, why am I not meeting the guy of my dreams or my future husband? And it's you're not in the right places of where your frequency meets. I am a big person on you transferring. If you're hooking up with the person for one night, that energy is being transferred amongst you. So if you feel low or your self-worth feels down or anything like that the next day, it's a thing, right?

SPEAKER_00 30:44

Oh, a hundred percent. It's really true. So sexual energy is literally the most powerful energy that we have access to, right? Creates life. And if we're just throwing it around and no judgment, I get it. Yeah. Sometimes we've been single for a long time, we just want connection. So it's okay, but we are exchanging this energy that we are gonna take on their energy, they're gonna take on our energy. And if you're sleeping with like multiple people, then you're just filling all of this energy into your body and your psyche. And then it feels, oh my gosh, why do I feel like this? Maybe because of that. No shame.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:19

But just looking at, okay, how do I feel after I engage in that? And is it actually supporting me? Because yeah, the hookup culture, oh my gosh. I've had so many conversations with people about this. Oh, you just see it differently. And I can hook up with people and I'm fine. But they're having health issues.

SPEAKER_01 31:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:35

I'm like, really? I respect people's journeys.

SPEAKER_01 31:38

Yeah.

Alex 31:39

But it is real. I'm like, have fun, but at the same time, just know or keep in the back of your mind that this is being exchanged. And if you're hooking up with multiple guys, it's gonna start dysregulating.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

I was gonna say, your body, and again, no shame. Like, we get it. Your body will start saying no for you in the form of health issues, UTIs, or other things that come up when we're just mixing all of those energies. Cause if you think about it, if you're sleeping with a few people, they're sleeping with a few people, they're sleeping with a few people, all of those energies are all in this jumbled up mess together. So if you understand spiritually and energetically what it is to sleep with someone, then we would be a little more mindful, probably.

Alex 32:23

And do you think it's a blockage to being able to meet a future potential partner because you're not allowing yourself to be open and receptive to other things out there? Definitely no. And so if you are still holding those, it's hard to be open and receptive to new energy to come in.

SPEAKER_00 32:46

Yeah. Yeah, great. I love your questions. These are so good. It's funny because I had that outlook personally, and I was like 41, and I'm like, okay, I need to just clear, have none of this BS, none of weird casual anything, just keep my space open. And I was like waiting and waiting. And then I met someone who was definitely not gonna be my husband, but we had this connection and he was too young for me. But honestly, I was freaking tired.

SPEAKER_01 33:13

Yeah.

Communication, Regulation, And Pause

SPEAKER_00 33:14

I was like, you know what? This is here. It's amazing. It's not gonna be a long-term thing. But I just allowed myself to have that experience and that connection. Definitely got attached. But it's funny because I don't feel like that blocked anything. But I do think there's something very powerful about just taking time away from all of it. Cause then there was a period of time where I did that. No dating, no men, nothing. And I think you create a bit of a magnetic energy because there's space. So something has to come into the space. But I don't know that it's exact science. I was asking my girlfriend, who's intuitive, during that time, and I was like, Am I blocking my husband? If I'm doing this, am I blocking? She was like, No, you're not blocking. It's okay. Don't worry, because the universe will move us around, move things around. And that's what happened. It lasted, I don't know, five months, and then it was like, time to go. I had no control over it, coming or leaving.

Alex 34:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

It's just what happened.

Alex 34:07

The same that says the guys should always like you more than you like them. Is that a thing?

SPEAKER_00 34:13

That's a good great question, too. Yeah, I don't know. I think a lot of these things have nuances. But anything black and white, I'm a little bit leery of.

Alex 34:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

But I think it really depends on the dynamic between the two of you.

Alex 34:25

Yeah. Even with myself, there's been people who have come along and we started out dating. I was treated really well. Ideally, we are best friends, we got along, everything was great. I felt 100% safe around them. But that romantic chemistry was missing. And so I'm thinking, okay, on paper, this is the main. Everything is there, all the qualities that are hard to find. But the only thing that's missing is that small romantic spark. Which is not small because we kind of do this. Yeah. But do I take one for the other? Or because I definitely would rather take that over the romantic spark.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

Yeah, totally. This was my biggest question for life. I would date these guys with so much attraction, but they were not healthy for me. And then there would be the ones that were really good for me, but I wasn't into it. And I was like, can we have both truly? Is that really a thing? Yeah. And it is a thing. Like I can come to you now and tell you it is a thing. I think because whatever creates polarity, the attraction, a lot of times is the wounding. But if you know how to work with yourself and the wounding and they know how to work with themselves, then you can still have the attraction and the magnetism, but in a healthier way. So I don't think that we need to settle for someone that we're not attracted to or not feeling that spark. And really just tell the universe, like, hey, I want to be wildly attracted to someone who's good for me. I just pray for the man God has for me. And that whoever the man God has for you, you're going to be attracted to him and he's going to be good for you. Don't force yourself something that you're not feeling. However, one caveat is if it's scary, if intimacy is scary, which it is for a lot of us, because we've gone through enough at this point, then there could be a tricky subconscious mechanism telling you that you're not that into him. And if you work on that, it can shift.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

Got it.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

So again, back to the nervous system. It's okay, can we believe our own minds right now? Or am I feeling unsafe because I could actually have someone who could really see me? And so am I saying, Oh, I'm not attracted to him. Does that make sense?

Alex 36:36

Yeah. Yeah. That's like a little triggering. Just because being raised in the South, I was always taught you don't have sex till you're married. I didn't wait till I was married. But now I'm still very particular. I'm just not one to just go hook up. I'm not even a hundred percent vulnerable. And I know that's my own mechanism. But even the people that I thought is long-term, I wasn't even a hundred percent with them because I'm like, I don't even know if this is forever.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

The thing is, for us as women, especially, if we sleep with someone, we are going to get attached to them emotionally. It's just what's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

Yeah.

Vulnerability Without Oversharing

SPEAKER_00 37:08

It releases these bonding hormones for us, and then we get attached. And so that's why I think there is some value in ideas of maybe not waiting till marriage, but waiting until there's like a safe, solid container relationship with someone is helpful because otherwise we can just get really hijacked by it. But there's no like perfect way to do this. But yeah, it's something that we all have work to do around, probably, because a lot of women, myself included, had this age-old question of, okay, can I be attracted and can they be good for me? Is that possible? And it is, but like we we need to become aware of what is showing up for us. So look at what in every relationship you've had or every dating situation, what are the things that keep showing up on repeat? And those are the things that we could look at and take a bit of a deep dive to see is this, am I actually not attracted, or is it like a protection mechanism? Because being vulnerable is scary or intimacy is scary.

Alex 38:04

If I was dating a guy and six months in, everything's going well, and he's like, Oh, I'm sorry, this isn't gonna work out. How do you deal with something like that?

SPEAKER_00 38:16

That's really tough. And I would say a lot of times when people feel that way like it came out of nowhere, it probably didn't come out of nowhere. There were probably some signs from the beginning. Yeah, but a lot of times we haven't been taught how to discern properly, right? So we learn by going through experiences. And then a lot of times what will happen is as the shock of the being blindsided subsides, then we can start to see with a new pair of glasses and look back. Actually, this kind of showed up here and that showed up there. And it'll help us the next time around to be discerning. But again, it's not that you did anything wrong, it's just that these relationships are here for us to learn. Literally, romantic relationships are the hardest mirror for us because we are gonna see all the aspects of ourselves that we don't really want to look at. We're gonna see all of the stuff with our partners, vice versa. So it takes a lot to actually keep meeting these moments and just be humble enough to be like, oh my gosh, okay, here we are, another human moment instead of cutting and running, for example. But if there's someone that's cutting and running, then they've got some stuff, some work to do.

Alex 39:29

That's such a thing. Also, it goes back to what you said with grace too. Getting into a relationship, you really have to put your ego aside, humble yourselves, and realize I'm in this with this person if you're dating for marriage, then long term, and you're gonna see that person go through the hardest times, the best times. But are you willing to lift that person up when they're down and vice versa? And it just takes a lot of emotional intelligence on both ends. Yes. And that's why if you're not seeing that, you're dating fuckboys, they don't have that at the beginning. But also it's where you're at. If you're actually dating to find a husband, then finding someone from the beginning that has that stability of if we're gonna do this, we're in this together.

Breadcrumbs, Boundaries, And Standards

SPEAKER_00 40:16

Yeah. And what's their value system? For so many years, I would be like, I just want somebody who values this the way I do. And I could not, for the life of me, find someone. And I'm like, what is wrong with everybody? Why does nobody see that it is a gift to be in relationship with someone and learn and grow and expand? But obviously, I had some of my own work to do there, right? Around my childhood. But really sharing about that first few dates of what is important to you, not even with necessarily the person that you're on the date with, but just practicing speaking it out to the universe. Of I want to have something that we're in it together, we're in life together, challenges come, we can have our human moments. What does it look like? And get super, super clear while you're single is a really good time to do this because once you call them in, then you call them in, right? And then the things that you forgot to ask for all of the so get super specific and write it down. And not from the perspective of going on a date and bringing out your list, checking everything off, but just having clarity so that you can be clear of what you're looking for.

Alex 41:20

I know a lot of amazing women who have done so much work on themselves. They have an amazing career, they're very financially stable, and they just find it so hard to find a partner that meets them where they're at or above. Is it because the male feels inferior? So they're not approaching these women, or is it the energy that they're carrying? Are they too much in their masculine?

SPEAKER_00 41:46

Yeah. I have a lot of clients like this, actually. Yeah. And amazing women have every have it all and are having a hard time for whatever reason. And sometimes it's divine timings. I do a lot of times find like women who are really successful are operating in their masculine a lot. And also maybe you've gone through some things that in relationships, so you have your guard up. So things like that can interfere with you bringing in a man who's in his masculine and is healthy masculine. So you might pull in the guys that aren't and then keep playing that story in your head. I have one client, she's I know I'm never gonna have a guy at my financial level. And I'm like, girl, stop saying that is a window into your subconscious beliefs, but it's not the truth. There are tons of people out there that are at your level or above, but we have to be in the energy and we have to really believe it. Even if you don't believe it, what if it could be possible? Because we live in this world where anything is possible. There's this field of infinite possibilities.

SPEAKER_01 42:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:47

But we will block it subconsciously when we have beliefs like that, right? And it's in practicing getting into your feminine. So if you're really in your masculine, you're getting shit done, you have your business, you're doing amazing, cool. But then when you're not, practice getting into your feminine energy and allow practice receiving, allow men to lead. That's a big thing. We won't let them lead because we're so used to leading and we know best. And it's like, nope, let them lead you. Yeah. So what are ways to get into your feminine energy? Good question. So slowing down, you can, if you want, just look up the differences between masculine and feminine energies because we all we have both, and we want to have a balance of both within ourselves, right? So we have our inner divine masculine. So if you want to call in a next level relationship, you also want to activate your inner divine masculine, which is having boundaries and keeping yourself safe and protected and walking away from situations that previously you would have gone straight into them, right? Practicing showing up for yourself as your divine masculine partner would. Treating yourself like a queen. Take yourself on dates, go get a massage. The inner divine masculine is part of it, and then really get. Into your feminine is let yourself have fun, slow down, relax, maybe go dance, whatever would bring that out in you. Play inner child almost. Hang out with your girlfriends, laugh.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

Just let yourself let your heart guide you to what you love to do. And because when we're in the whole masculine, we can forget to slow down and forget to also enjoy and play and be open to receiving. If someone's giving you a compliment, don't shut it down. If someone wants to give you a gift, thank you so much. Get into the receiving mode. Practice it, even if it's uncomfortable.

Alex 44:32

Just receiving.

SPEAKER_00 44:33

Yeah.

Alex 44:33

Is gratitude help you get into your feminine?

SPEAKER_00 44:36

Gratitude's so helpful for all just all of the things we're talking about because our minds are designed to look for the problem. They're designed to look for whatever isn't working to keep us safe. So practices like gratitude lists or writing down every day what you're grateful for, speaking it out loud helps to actually rewire the brain to look for things to be grateful for. So it might seem not that big of a deal to do practices like that. But if we do them consistently, they will shift your brain chemistry. And that's the best because we can use all the help we can get with that.

Attraction, Safety, And Real Polarity

Alex 45:08

I know I just bought the five-minute gratitude journal. Perfect. It's so easy. Cause I'm definitely strong masculine. So whenever I'm trying to get into my feminine, it's more spiritual sound bath meditation. I love infra, just allowing myself to slow down. And so when I'm out with a guy and you still want to keep your boundaries, feel safe. For sure. It's hard.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

How do you channel it? That's another thing I wanted to touch on because it's like if we don't feel safe, we're gonna go into our masculine, like no matter what. Hands down. So it might take a little bit of time. It's okay. But yeah, if we're on a date and we don't really know the person, we might be more in that masculine energy because we're trying to keep ourselves protected and safe. But over time, set the intention of okay, just for this date or just for the next hour, I want to practice being more on my feminine. And try to sit on your hands a little bit. You want to go open the door for yourself. Just sit back a little. Let them open the door for you. Little things. Yeah. We're taking it back to when men were gentle. But also, you don't have to surrender to this guy that you don't know. It's more an embodied energy. I'm worthy. I value myself. I love myself. I will treat myself. I treat my best friend. One of my coaches, Jen, she's always, keep your crown on. If your crown falls off, just get it and put it back on. That's so cute. Yeah.

Alex 46:27

Because I even feel it's a hard balance because me being confident or you being confident, you know who you are, you're very grounded. You're not gonna waver who you are just to impress somebody. That can come across as intimidating, or it can come across as masculine. The right guy for you is gonna see that as you being in your feminine because they don't feel that intimidation because they're in their masculine.

SPEAKER_00 46:52

That's part of why it took me so long to meet someone to actually build with, because I have a lot of opinions and I will share them. Yeah. I'm not gonna just be a wallflower and go along and people please. And so if you're strong, like you're strong feminine, that's awesome, right? It's gonna take a guy who's attracted to that and values that and isn't intimidated by it. Because we don't want a guy that's intimidated by it.

SPEAKER_01 47:15

No.

SPEAKER_00 47:16

We want a guy that's you shine as bright as you want.

SPEAKER_01 47:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

And that's cool. Not somebody that's, oh my gosh, we need to dim your shine. Your guy is not going to have that energy. He's not. Your guy's gonna be like, this girl's a badass, and I'm into it. And hopefully she wants me in her world, and he will support you in doing your thing. And then maybe bump you a little bit into your feminine because his energy is gonna impact it too, right? So if we meet a guy that's a little more in their feminine, then we're gonna go more into our masculine because we're gonna do it to balance it out. We all need to be doing our work within ourselves to get that inner union going where the masculine and feminine is pretty balanced and we can always be working on it and always shift it. And then you won't have that issue.

Alex 47:59

Like yin yin. Yeah, exactly. I think that also goes into chemistry. A lot of people mistake chemistry with a real connection or compatibility. Yes. And so, how do you differentiate what is chemistry and what is actually true compatibility?

Mistaking Chemistry For Compatibility

SPEAKER_00 48:20

Yeah, great question. This whole thing, confusing chemistry for compatibility. Yeah, it happens, right? Because we'll see someone we're attracted to and we'll take all of the things that we want in a partner and just put it on them. Oh, I'm attracted to them. So then this is what that is. And that's why we need to be discerning. Attraction is part of it, but it's not the whole thing. And one of the teachers that I love, Mark Groves, he says he's not everybody that makes your loins tingle is a good match for you, which is a weird thing to say, but it's true. Just because we're attracted, we need to be more discerning. What are the qualities that I desire in a partnership? And if you're anything like me, I had so many challenging, painful, toxic relationships. But after each one, I would sit down and make a list, and I couldn't really get to the qualities that I wanted. So I write down all the things that did not work for me, all the things that just were not the thing. And then what's the opposite of those things? So someone who's breadcrumbing, someone who's inconsistent, someone who's manipulative, what's the opposite of that? And I made my most powerful vision. Oh wow, from the opposite of like the contrast of this sure doesn't work. So what's the opposite of that? And then really getting specific. So not just saying consistency, but what does that mean? Is it like we communicate every day or they make a plan on the date to see me for the next date? What does it look like? Because I know for us as women, I've had so many women say this to me in the last couple of weeks. They're like, I get so anxious, I just need to know when I'm gonna see him again. As soon as I know when I'm gonna see him again, I'm good. But if I'm waiting in the abyss, then that's so hard for me. And so I'm coaching them to communicate that and let the guy know, hey, it really helps me if I know when we're gonna see each other again. But yeah, the chemistry and compatibility thing. So we wanna be clear, we wanna be discerning and vet them a little bit first. Go meet them in public. The dating apps are so challenging. I know. But I think if you can just meet somebody out in the world, yeah, that's better. Because then you don't have that weird thing of are we gonna date? What's gonna happen? Do I like you? Do you like me?

Alex 50:22

Or being catfish, hatfish, all the above. Hatfish. Hatfish. It's a thing. That's so funny. I haven't heard that one. Yeah, hatfishes. There's a lot of them out there these days, actually. They're really hot with their hat on and then they take it off. No hair. Oh, yeah. Which is fine. I'm not against bald men show a picture of what you look like.

SPEAKER_01 50:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:44

Like for all of us, right? I help people with dating profiles too, because I'm like, what are you guys doing? Yeah. Sorry, men. I'm here to help you if you need help. Yeah. Because so many of it's like we can't see your face. So you're wearing glasses in every picture, or like you have a hat in every picture. It's not translating. So it's screaming insecure. If you have glasses in every phone. No, we need to see your eyes. They're the windows to the soul. Show us your eyes in the pictures. Yeah. And make sure your pictures are accurate. Same with women. Show your profile to your friend and ask them if this is representative of you.

Alex 51:12

I know. At this point, this is gonna sound so bad, but I'm the opposite of some of probably the woman you're talking about, like being, when am I gonna see him next? I'm just like, I honestly don't care. I've had confirmation, my time's coming soon, but I'm gonna meet him out in the world. Cause I'm not a person that can have a simple conversation over dating profiles.

SPEAKER_00 51:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:35

I would trust that intuition because that's what happened to me. I was on the apps for years, and I'm like, oh my God, the amount of time that I wasted on these things.

SPEAKER_03 51:43

I know.

SPEAKER_00 51:44

They are a channel. And I do believe like God works in all the ways, right? So that can be a channel for you to meet your guy. I know people that have. It's just a weird, contrived, very transactional way to go about it. Like shopping for people. I don't know. It's so weird to me.

Alex 52:01

It actually is the only chemistry you can tell is them flirting with you, sending a basic message and attractiveness.

SPEAKER_00 52:09

You need to feel their energy in person.

SPEAKER_01 52:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:11

To see if you're doing online dating, any match with someone, connect with them right away, a few sentences back and forth, switch to phone, do a call or FaceTime, then meet each other. Don't waste your time.

Alex 52:22

Do you think the guy should initiate getting your number?

SPEAKER_00 52:25

I think you can give your number. I would just say, I'd love to just connect off the app and then you could give them your number, but they need to actually call. I would not call them.

Alex 52:33

So are you a big believer in not approaching the guy first and not calling him first?

SPEAKER_00 52:41

That's a good question. Again, back to I don't know how this will sound to people. It really depends on if you're out in the world, you're just chatting, like it's fine, right? But if it's someone, I think about what kind of guy would I want. I would want a guy that's taking initiative and leading and pursuing me. So that's what I would personally want. So that's what I would hold out for. But I think it depends on what you want.

Alex 53:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:03

Someone who's not intimidated or yeah, yeah, for sure. Confident.

Making The First Move

Alex 53:08

If someone feels like each person they're dating is the same, but just in a different body, we've talked about like how do you break the patterns, how do you get out of that, which is more so manifesting, calling it in, praying, whichever one believes in, making a list. But if someone feels like they want to give up, nothing's working, they're losing hope, and they're almost finding their self-worth in going out and seeking attention from guys, how do they break out of that? Because even situations I've seen, there's people, if they don't get attention from a guy, they shut down. What is something that they can do? What advice do you have? And not that it's a bad thing, everyone has experience and gone through it, but not basing your self-worth around the attention of a male figure.

SPEAKER_00 54:01

Yeah.

Alex 54:02

Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 54:03

Great, great question. I mean, these are the people that I work with, right? If you find yourself in this repeated pattern of dating the same person in a different body, same dynamic that keeps showing up, then there's something that's running the show from your nervous system and from your subconscious mind. So we need to get to the root of that and actually work on healing it from the inside. And then what shows up in your life externally will be different. It's hard to believe that when you've had repeated experiences of the same thing or similar dynamics with different people. But it's really miraculous what happens when we can start to feel safe in our bodies because the whole thing of seeking validation outside of ourselves or whatever the pattern is, all of it is just trying to soothe whatever the stories are inside of us. And seeking validation is one of the ways, right? Is it's a bit shaky because we could go out and we could get all the validation and we feel great. Yeah. But then we go out and we don't, and then we don't feel okay. And it's hinging our value on this external thing versus working on building our own worth from the inside out. But again, we are very programmed to do the opposite. Find the external thing, and that will soothe the internal pain. But it's the opposite. And then once we do this internally, our outer world shifts.

Alex 55:25

And then you stop looking for if he's watching your story. Like yeah, it means I can't, you know, because there's also dissociation factor to that as well. Yeah. You either can be obsessive seeking all of the validation or dissociation where you've been so far removed to the point where you're just like, I don't even care anymore. But that's also not healthy either. So if you find yourself disassociating, then how do you bring yourself back to that place?

Losing Hope, Seeking Validation, And Repair

SPEAKER_00 55:54

Yeah. So all of this stuff, I'm gonna sound like a broken record, right? But it's nervous system work because whether we're in fight or flight or freeze, freeze is like the dissociating where we're just frozen, we're just not engaging. It looks like we don't care, but really it's a protection pattern. So if any of that's showing up, then it's just telling us, okay, something in you is triggered where you're not feeling super safe. So the mechanism is I'm gonna dissociate. I'm gonna go, we'll just jump out of our bodies and floating over here because that's feels better than being here and feeling whatever's going on. So that's the opposite end of the spectrum where similar wounding can present in either way. We can be anxious and we can be like seeking the thing, or we can be a little more avoidant and leaning out, but both of them are dealing with the similar wound internally. So it's just how it presents itself.

Alex 56:42

Is there also a thing of people can just feel content with themselves and they just trust the process?

SPEAKER_00 56:50

Yes, that would be the ideal scenario. And we have to watch pathologizing like every single thing about ourselves too. Because I think we're really in a time of where it's like, we know so much and it's great, but maybe you're just a human. Yeah. And you're having a human moment.

Alex 57:05

And you just have feelings.

SPEAKER_00 57:06

And it's okay. Like maybe you're a little dissociated. That's okay. But if it becomes an issue, is if it's creating pain, right? Like on repeat, where you feel like powerless to shift it, then okay, there's something there for us to look at. But also give yourself space to be a human because we are all human. And anyone who's out there saying that they've got it all figured out and they're a guru and da-da-I would run very fast in the other direction. Because nobody gets out of this human thing unscathed.

Alex 57:35

To end it right now, you're either divorced or you're single. What is the importance of being alone? And how can somebody get comfortable with themselves to be able to put themselves back out there? Because I think that we talk a lot about being in a marriage, looking for a husband, but a lot of people don't talk about being divorced or that solitude moment of being single. And there's one thing to be a single in searching, but there's another to be single in solitude. There's a a lot of importance. I mean, you know, way more than me.

SPEAKER_00 58:12

You're very wise. So something that I've seen from my own personal experience is there's value in taking time completely off of dating, like no man diet for a little bit or no woman diet. Again, if you're running into the same kind of issue or dynamic over and over again, it would probably serve you to just pause and take a little bit of time. Now, a lot of us have stories around that, right? Of, I don't have time, but I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to do it by this timeline. Sure. What is it gonna cost you to not pause and take the time and do the work? Because you will probably just keep ending up again with another person in the similar dynamic. So taking that time, whether it's 90 days or even a year, which might sound insane, but it's really like that amount of time to just invest in yourself and pour into yourself and do your inner work can elevate you to this different frequency where there's all of this opportunity on this new frequency for people that are maybe going through a breakup or a divorce or any kind of grief that you're experiencing, like just to pause because when we're in a situation like that, it can be easy to try to escape the pain that we're feeling and jump into dating or try to soothe it. But really, the powerful place is to be able to sit with your pain and your grief and learn how to hold that for yourself. Almost like you're working with your inner child and learning to do that and go into those depths actually allows you to go higher into joy and peace and all the things that we love. But if we're running from that place by always dating, then we're avoiding ourselves.

Alex 59:52

Yeah, you're just filling a void that is one day gonna be exposed.

The Power Of Solitude And A Reset

SPEAKER_00 59:56

And we're in an avoidant relationship with ourselves. So then we end up attracting people that are in an avoidant pattern because I'm running from myself over here. So then we're gonna pull in that energy. I actually take a lot of people through this process of taking 90 days of no dating. And then a lot of my clients will go longer. Like, this is actually so good. I want to do a year. I'm like, great, let's do it.

Alex 1:00:19

And it's no dating, can they have communication with guys? What do you think? I mean, like, or is it depending on the person?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:26

I am not the kind of coach that tells people what to do. But with this specific thing, it's for a higher purpose where it's like, okay, what we're doing isn't working. Let's just be humble enough to see that what we're doing isn't working. So for a bit of a reset, it's bringing all your energy back to you and taking care of your nervous system. It's always their choice. I'm never saying you must do this, but something in them, I think, knows, oh, I really need this reset. And what happens is so amazing for people when they do this. One client came to me in this really toxic relationship, and she worked with me for two years, and she has exploded her life, expanded in all these ways. She's an amazing entrepreneur, she's doing so well. And dating, she's open to it, but it's not the focus. And when she came to me, it was the only thing consuming her.

Alex 1:01:14

So that's another thing, too. Dating can literally consume you too much that you're neglecting your career. And it almost becomes your identity.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:23

Oh, for sure. And a lot of my clients do work in conjunction with coaching with me.

Alex 1:01:27

Oh, cool.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:28

Just to have some extra support.

Alex 1:01:29

What other modalities or spirituality techniques do you use and your coaching? Good question.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:36

I do a lot of the subconscious work, which is uncovering the beliefs in the subconscious that are running your life because you can have a protection pattern that's been there for a while, that was really serving its purpose, otherwise it wouldn't have been developed. But now it's at the point where it's blocking what you want to experience. And so we want to get in and actually uncover these beliefs that are keeping you from what you desire. Because it's really just a protection pattern. So once you start feeling safe enough, you can create new beliefs, new wiring in the brain. And then eventually you just exist more and more in the new wiring, and the old wiring starts to die away, like pruning a tree. So a lot of subconscious work, a lot of nervous system work, inner child stuff, conscious communication, teaching people communication tools, teaching people how to relate, how to get really clear on their vision for what they desire, and then create becoming the match to that.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:35

So creating your vision, but then becoming what you're seeking.

Alex 1:02:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:40

Because what you seek is seeking you.

Alex 1:02:42

How do you do your subconscious work?

SPEAKER_00 1:02:44

So every session that I do, it's very intuitive. So I have this huge toolkit of all of these modalities and things that I've learned. But really, it's just like whoever I'm with, I get these downloads and messages for people. So I know what they need. So it's a really intuitive approach.

Alex 1:03:02

I can tell that you know that because, like, whenever we're talking about things, I'm like, she definitely knows that. This is one of my struggles.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:10

I can tell that you have it too. I think you can feel when other people have it. That's so funny. Yeah. So it's it's very individualized for each person. But I do take people through a process and really your life is your teacher. So we're not going in and digging anything up that isn't present. It's just, okay, what's going on in your world? What's life teaching you right now? What's showing up? What's most present? And that's where we start from. I like to also just understand your past, your history. What was your childhood like? And what has dating been like, your relationships? How have they been? How did the last one end? The more information I have, the more I can support and guide you with whatever it is that you're working through.

Alex 1:03:53

How long does it take for you to go through a full probably every person's different?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:58

Yeah, everyone's different. I would say, like on average, I have some clients that just keep working with me because they just like the support. But I would say on average, six months. So it's not this thing that has to be ongoing. It's like you really just commit and we do one-on-one sessions via Zoom. And in between, I have voice and text messaging. So if there's a moment where you're in a moment and it's a few days till your next session, you can shoot me a message. Okay. But after about six months, people usually don't need me anymore. My goal is for you not to need me anymore.

Alex 1:04:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:32

If you want to, cool, but I'd say six months on average.

Modality Deep Dive: Subconscious And Nervous System

Alex 1:04:35

Have you seen a lot of your clients go through coaching with you and then meet their husband? Yeah immediately. Oh my god, so many. Really?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:43

Yes. So many. That's so cool. If anyone's listening and going through this, a lot of times it's when they've gone through something really hard grief, loss, or heartache or heartbreak, and they're really at a bottom and they take the time and they do the work and then they elevate, and then their person comes in. Happens all the time. This story is one of my favorites because he came to me and he was in a relationship for a really long time, years. They got engaged, broke up very soon after that, and he was so heartbroken. But he put his head down, he did the work with me, and then he met someone else. And now it's been a few years. They're engaged, and like his life is beyond what we could have even imagined. That's awesome. We don't know what the divine God has planned for us. We don't know.

Alex 1:05:31

And guys, nothing more attractive than when a guy goes and gets coaching, no therapy. I feel like they think that's demasculine or too vulnerable. But honestly, from a woman's perspective, I think that there's nothing more attractive. Oh, yeah. It's essential. Yeah, it needs to be more normalized for males.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:54

100%. Yeah. And I have people always say to me, Oh, you work with women. And I'm like, I work with 50% men, 50% women.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:00

And I love working with men. If I have a man and he's wanting to do the work, I'm like, let's go. This is amazing.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:07

And it is so courageous to be willing to look at yourself, man, woman, whatever, but for your own freedom.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:14

So, like for your liberation. Do you want to keep having the same experience or do you want to have a new experience? How's that going on your own?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:21

Yeah. Literally.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:22

I love working with men. So if you're a guy out there and you're needing some support with dating, relationships, communication, couples. This was fun. So fun.

Alex 1:06:30

We have to end it here because we're running out of time, but obviously I could go on for hours. I loved having you. And thank you for coming on and sharing all your knowledge, wisdom with us. You'll have to come back soon. Love to. Okay, guys, I hope you have a fun Valentine's Day, whether you're with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or you're having a Galantine's with your friends, or even being by yourself. There's nothing better than a full self care day. Personally, that's probably what I'm gonna be doing. Thanks for listening to another entry of the Dry Diaries. We will see you next week. Bye.