Why We Ignore Red Flags (with Chelsko)

This month on The Dry Diaries we’re really talking about raising our standards, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. And I feel like this episode is such a real conversation because we’ve all been there at some point… seeing the signs that something isn’t right but somehow convincing ourselves it’s not that big of a deal. In this episode I sit down with Chelsko and we talk about why people ignore red flags, how attachment patterns and emotional habits can affect the way we date, and why sometimes the signs are obvious but we still choose to stay. We get into relationship patterns, trusting your intuition, and how learning to recognize what’s actually healthy can completely change the way you approach dating. It’s basically a girl chat about relationships, self-awareness, and learning how to stop settling for situations you know deep down aren’t right.

Dear Diary prompts

Have I ever ignored a sign because I wanted something to work so badly?
What standards am I ready to stop compromising on?

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Red Flags Matter

unknown 0:06

This is the Dry Diaries with your author, Alex Stry.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Welcome back to another entry of the Dry Diaries. It's your author, Alex Stry. Today I am joined by Chelsko. Hey! I just asked her what her name was. I'm like, not what her name was, but if I was pronouncing it correctly, she's yeah, Chelsko like Costco. Okay, I love that. Okay, so today, as you guys know, the month of May is all about dating relationships. So I brought her on because we're gonna be talking about red flags. I think it's something that we all notice in a relationship early on, but whether we admit it or not to ourselves is a different story. So I'm really excited because she is a relationship and mindset coach who helps women recognize unhealthy patterns in dating and relationships so they can stop repeating cycles that keep them stuck. Your work also focuses on mental, emotional, nervous system.

SPEAKER_04 1:12

Yeah. It's all encompassing because you can't fix one area without addressing where it's kind of all really lives in our nervous system. So a lot of the time, the reason that we're overlooking red flags or we are attracted to the type of people we're attracted to, the bad boys, is because our nervous system is programmed that way. So without reprogramming our nervous system, we're not gonna get very far.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Yeah, no, totally. I've been learning about the nervous system through like my whole healing journey. And now I've been more aware of it, which I don't know if it's good or bad because now I'm like like going hermit, basically. Yeah, that's okay.

Nervous System And Solo Sabbatical

SPEAKER_04 1:50

Yeah, it's okay for a a good amount of time. You just don't want to do it forever. But yeah, I think it's really important. I'm just finishing six days of four months sabbatical that I took. Oh wow. And I've been doing this journey for years. I think that's important to have our hermit phases when you give yourself what you need. Because in the end of the day, it's about being able to give yourself what you need so you're not looking to other people to validate you, make you happy, all of those things. So it's good to have your hermit phase as long as you come out of it eventually, like a solo vacation. I have done a lot of solo traveling, it's been life-changing. Highly suggest. I had a trip last year that I was planning and it didn't go through. And one of the guys that had signed up went on his own, and I was like, I love that break. When he had the greatest time, I have done a lot of solo traveling, but this last four months, I decided to give up mail validation, like male attention at all. And it's very difficult, right? So I definitely wasn't perfect. I do have an Instagram. There are DMs, so I'm not gonna literally not talk to men for four months, but it was about not getting attention from guys that I was attracted to or even friends. When I first started, I didn't respond to anyone, any man at all, unless it was work. I've been a little more lenient than I should have with certain things, but definitely no dating. Definitely it was about not going on dates, not having romantic, because that takes up so much of our brain space. So for me, that sabbatical that four months was to find myself and have time with me and have time with God and real time with him because so much of the time we stay busy, and sometimes it's not just with men, sometimes it's with women. We have our girlfriends that we can call up all the time. When instead you take a beat and reflect or pray about it or journal about it or just go for a walk on the beach and be like, yeah, I'm worried about this or I'm happy about this, instead of needing to share that with someone else. That's where the growth happened. So that was the challenge that I put out there for myself because I noticed that I was getting clouded. Um, and I needed some time to just reset before I felt comfortable going into a relationship ever.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

What do you feel like the biggest takeaway was?

SPEAKER_04 3:57

Oh gosh, there were some good ones. I think that time with God and I was doing EMDR therapy. So I had some deep breakthrough moments, and I just I just am I'm so at peace and so much happier, and I've gotten so much more done. And like I've found that the more time I really spend, like in my Bible, like in my journal, like real me time, my time actually ends up multiplying. Cause when we're like, even today, I like rushed my morning thing because I was like doing laundry, and it just somehow ended up into kind of a rush to literally me.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

I like start laundry, then I'm cleaning the kitchen, then I'm making my bed, then I'm just reorganizing the fully take.

SPEAKER_04 4:43

So but so I found that stillness brings a lot of depth and joy and space, and not having someone in my phone constantly, even if it's like again, good positive things. It's not bad to be like that's what dating is. We're supposed to be talking to people, getting to know people, going on dates. But I think what happens nowadays is we start, and correct me if I'm wrong or if you've recognized this in your own like dating situationships. We start talking to someone and it's we're dating all like we're in a relationship. The way that we're the dialogue is going. And I've found that I don't think that's necessary. It takes up so much extra space in our day. Get to know each other on the date. You don't need to be texting all day, every day.

SPEAKER_03 5:25

Yeah.

Faith Spirituality And Signs

SPEAKER_04 5:25

And then you're thinking, are they gonna text me? Or what should I text them? That takes up hours of your day. And without any of that, I've had so many more ideas. I've started projects, I've had so much extra time. Yeah. I had a girlfriend yesterday be like, she said something about hosting an event. And I was like, Oh, I'm hosting an event in June. She's like, Where do you get the time? I'm like, I don't have boys. I have so much time. So that, and then also my Instagram, I have Telsco coaching and then I have Chelsea music. Chelsco music was my baby, it was my life. That's what I was doing. I was just focusing on my music. A year and a half ago, I lost it. And literally, I surrender to God. I take this time and I get my Instagram back. And I was like, what? It's crazy. So it's been crazy to see what God does when you just surrender and are like, I'm done trying to grab the wheel. Like, where do you want? I'm just gonna keep showing up, doing my best, and not try to control the narrative.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

This is like off the butt. I was wondering because I also believe in God, but I'm spiritual as well. So I love like manifestation. I think it's a form of prayer, but also like angel numbers, signs, um, staging, like all of that. Three, three, it's all over. But people get weird about they're like, oh, I think that's against Christianity.

SPEAKER_04 6:47

I think that there's a line for sure. I consider myself very spiritual and I don't consider myself religious. I think that the church has there's a lot of churches that have hurt a lot of people, and there's a lot of legalism and laws and not supporting gays. I'm just not for any of that. When it comes to your spirituality, it's different for everyone. I think that God speaks in numbers. Like I can feel it sometimes when I'm really in tune and I'm waking up and I'm reading my Bible, and then I just see three, three, three, you're on the right path. I think the same thing with astrology. I don't necessarily think, and if you're like praying to the stars, that's different, right? But God made stars. So there has to be some energy that we're experiencing from that, or whether it's from when you were born during the year and the way that your mom was feeling and the way you were feeling her feelings because of a nervous system in the womb, that could have a lot to do with astrology as well. I think it really depends on the person. I know my business partner is a strong Christian and she's all about saging her space. And people also will have a pastor come over and pray over their space. Energy is very real.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

I think it's I love asking people that are super spiritual but also have faith. And I'm like, what are your thoughts? Because I've gotten some lashback about it.

SPEAKER_04 8:07

There's always gonna be haters.

Red Flags Versus Deal Breakers

SPEAKER_00 8:09

Okay, so we're gonna dive into red flags and dating because that's your specialty. Just start out. What actually qualifies as a red flag? And are there early behaviors people should always pay attention to?

SPEAKER_04 8:23

So I was on another podcast with another coach who I respect very much, and he was saying the thing about red flags is we shouldn't be like red flag, I'm out. That is a red flag is an area that needs focus. So if you see something pop up, it can I think there's also a difference between red flags, and then we have orange flags, and also non-negotiables. So a non-negotiable isn't a red flag. Non-negotiable, non-negotiable is a hard no. So for me, if I was on a first date, if I was on a first date, right? I would know this before because I'm all about asking all the questions before even going on. Like, why go on a date if we overlooked this and I'm on a date and a guy's, I'm Polly, I would be like, no. So for me, that wouldn't really be a red flag. That would just be a deal breaker. We're done. It was so nice to get to know you. I wish you the best on that journey. That doesn't align with me. But if you see a red flag that is like, oof, boy, he talks to his mom a lot. So that's one that's not bad, but it could be like there are mama's boys who prioritize, and then down the line, it ends up being like he's caring more about his mom's opinion than his wife's opinion. So that was a sign that you saw early on. Did you take the time to notice what is this or bring it up and talk about it? So I think red flags and orange flags can be things that, again, if you have communication with another adult who's also willing to work through things, it can be like a beautiful area because you could be like, hey, I saw this, I noticed this. And that conversation, I could bring you guys closer together. But yeah, there's so many. Do you want me to come up with other ones?

SPEAKER_00 10:05

No, that's great. I think it's hard to differentiate between red flags and someone just being human.

SPEAKER_04 10:13

Yeah, that's a thing. Is everyone has red flags? We all do. So we're gonna have red flags. I think that's why it's important to have your non-negotiables and just talk about red flags. And then if you have seven red flags come up and they don't get addressed, there's a conversation that leads to nowhere, they're not hearing you, nothing changes. That's when it's okay. Now this is turned from a red flag into a non-negotiable. Yeah.

LA Dating Stories And Attachment

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's so true. How's dating in LA for you? You've been on a sabbatical. Oh, but yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:48

Oh, which horror do you want?

SPEAKER_00 10:50

So the mom thing triggered me. I'm like, that reminds me of someone. So how's dating for you? What happened with that? It just he, his mom, they talked all the time. And I feel like she had a lot of things to say. Yeah. Like in his ear. Yep. And it was a lot of coddling. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:08

And it's good that you saw that and were aware early on. So you've dodged a bullet in that way because you were able to identify that. So I've had all over the scale. And I I've dated in other countries as well, too. And I don't think it's just LA, assuming that what I'm meaning is that LA dating sucks because it does. But it's a pretty global thing. And I would go so far as to say, because I was reading this Bible verse where it was like, I'm paraphrasing. It was basically like, you can't trust anyone. And I was like, so nothing's changed. Humans are humans, and there's gonna be good people and bad people everywhere. But in my dating experience, I went to private Christian schools. So I didn't really date when I was in college. I was like, I'm not here for my MRS degree. Everyone, they get married, they have babies, and that's totally okay for the people that works that way. But I just had a feeling that wasn't gonna be what it was for me. I was dating a guy from high school. When I was in college, he was at another school, like typical disaster. I actually walked away from that. I was proud of myself. That was like one of the hardest ones. I don't know if he cheated on me or not, but I was like token little Christian, non-drinking, virgin girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure he was getting it elsewhere. But I eventually was like, you are so atheist. This is never gonna work. And so I did walk away from that, but it was hard because I really cared about him. So that was like my college dating life, was that. And then when I came back to LA, I got into a relationship. It was like my best friend, and I was ultimatumed into it. That's why I tell people, don't ultimatum. Ultimatum should not be a thing. If you are like, okay, I can't handle this in a relationship, then make that decision for yourself that like I can't tolerate this. So if it doesn't change after X date, then I'm gonna leave. But don't say to someone, if you don't do this, then I'll leave, because then they're gonna only do it for you. You can let them know how you feel about it, but if they don't change on their own, so I was ultimatum into being into a relationship. That started off my music career because that was the first time I started writing again. And I did a song about that, and so I fell into the music industry. I came back and I was doing acting, but music, I was like, I can do this now. I can get in the studio, I don't have to wait to be cast. That was a blessing. But then from there, it was a lot of I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't even know what trauma work was. I didn't know what patterns were. I had no idea that I had a lot of. I'm the worst case. I am what they call a vacillator. So you hear about avoidance, anxious attach. So a vacillator goes back and forth. So I think that's me. Yeah, actually, yeah, it's fun because you can like someone so much and then all of a sudden it's done. I had no idea why it would happen. And so I was dating.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Oh, hundreds. If you do something and it is reoccurring, I literally can block you and not think twice.

SPEAKER_04 14:04

Nope. It's an attachment style. Yeah. But once you learn and understand, then you can recognize because now, like, I can recognize it coming up, and I'm like, no, no, we're gonna share how we're feeling. It's benefited my relationships, my friendships. I was bouncing around between bad boys or unavailable guys and being like, why are men so bad? I was picking that literally. I ended up with the 16-year-old guy who called me yesterday or the day before. I've been telling all my clients, I'm like, this is an exact example of how they will never go until you decide to be done. So it was her side, Gemini. Oh, okay. So we're like compatible. Yeah. Yeah. So he started Von Dutch. There was a whole Hulu series on him, lots of love bombing. And I just fell head over heels. And it was because I had been with all these, my dating had been LA typical, and he was like, all about me. We had his shit together. He didn't, but in my mind, yeah. And that's what girls like too about bad boys. And that's why guys are like, why do girls like bad boys? We like that they're like, You're mine. I want you. I'm committing to you. This is what I want. And it makes us feel safe because we feel chosen and we feel held. But if you haven't done the work, you don't recognize this is not healthy.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

This is toxic masculinity. Yeah. Yeah. It's like toxic masculinity.

SPEAKER_04 15:28

Yeah, it's more, it's like possessiveness. And that's the thing too. I feel like toxic masculinity these days gets thrown around so much. And it's like just recognizing, yeah, when a guy like is being is being like or love bombing you, like, yeah, that's toxic. It's not normal. Like for them to say, I love you way too soon, or I'm gonna marry you. And it's we haven't even you don't even know me. But it can be really attractive for someone who's been dating a bunch of guys that are unavailable, even if she doesn't realize it's been her own choice. And so I got into that whole thing, and then from that one to a worse one. And then after that, I was like, enough is enough. I must stop. Something needs to change. So then I went to that was during COVID, and I went to Connecticut and did the same sort of thing I'm just finishing now. Spent six months and was like, music, God, nothing else. I didn't even have a car, I didn't leave the house. I was like living with my best friends. We would leave sometimes with her, but pretty much I just stayed in the house. It was a big mansion with a lawn, but I was literally like, I had a kiddie pool. I was like living by the house. It was really fun. And it just recentered me. And so then after that, I had my first healthy relationship, which was actually my high school prom date. Yeah. That's so cute. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken that time. Because then when I met him, I was just in such a different place. Energetically, I was like, okay, if it's meant to be, it'll be. And then he actually wanted to get go Polly, funny enough. So I was like, okay, no. And I walked away. And we ended up getting back together and eventually becoming monogamous. But like old version of myself probably immediately would have been like, okay, whatever you need because I'm anxious and I need to keep you and I can't be alone. But since I had experienced being alone for six months, I wasn't afraid to go back to that place. So I think that's what happens with a lot of people. They don't take the time to be alone ever. And so then they're just afraid of that, they'll overlook everything and stay in situations they know they shouldn't be in because they're like, I just don't want to be alone, I can't find anyone better, or they start making excuses for the person. So that was my last relationship, and that was four years ago. And then I kept diving into this work, and I set out originally to help women get out of that same cycle I was in, and I started finding that so many men are in really abusive relationships too. You'd be shocked. Like they just don't talk about it like we do.

SPEAKER_03 18:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:10

But they absolutely and the stories I've heard women like beating the shit out of their husbands, and I've heard them locking their husbands in bedrooms, like locking him in their house. I had one guy said he literally had to run barefoot once he finally got out. They just don't talk about it because they don't want to come across as weak. Our society hasn't made space for men to be able to be vulnerable and talk about it. There's so many good guys. Doing this work has healed my relationship with men. I had some bad apples for sure, but there are some really good men out there, but they're not the ones that are gonna hit on you in public. So we don't see them a lot of the time because all of a sudden this other guy is already over here in our face. So it's difficult. But I definitely, because of this work, like I would say in the past four years, I've dodged like at least five bullets that could have taken me out. But I was able to identify and I almost fell in. I was able to see, okay, it's happening again. I am seeing the patterns. I've seen this before.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

And you need to do a matchmaking service after you coach them. Okay, so this is the pool of guys and girls. Let me match them together.

SPEAKER_04 19:18

A lot of people being like, you should do a dating app. And I think that we need a dating app that is good because it's just so hard to meet people these days, especially because of COVID. A lot of people are in their hermit space and aren't as comfortable going out. But there needs to be a better system on the way they are right now. It's just a cesspool.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

Really bad. Or it's like for followers. Even for me, I'm only on Bumble or Riot, just for the followers. And on there scrolling, trying to have conversations, which is so bad for me to admit. So all my past relationships have been around two years-ish, but I've met them organically through friends. And I haven't had any crazy relationships. All my relationships for the most part were pretty healthy. There were things that occurred, but I wouldn't say it was anything traumatizing. I've been really lucky in that since. I hope they say the same. But I think it's hard because since my last relationship, I've just been so focused on myself. I did the same thing in Texas that you did in Connecticut.

SPEAKER_04 20:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

And I spent a lot of time alone. Yeah. It was a couple months. And then I went went and solo traveled Europe. Oh, that's so cool. Yeah. Thank you. So then I moved back here. How long did you go for? Europe? I was there for six months. That's incredible. It was amazing. Yeah, I bet. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:39

Just think that seeing other cultures, it just makes it life changing.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

And then I met up with friends along the way and met friends. I did yacht week with a bunch of friends along the way. So I wasn't like in my healing phase the whole time. Still it's still taught you.

SPEAKER_04 20:53

Yeah. And that's the thing, is you were learning I'm cool on my own. And so then if you once you realize that, you just aren't gonna accept anything less than what you deserve.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

Yeah. It's not tempting anymore. Yeah. And I feel like now my standards, so it is harder. Like entertaining guys. There was a guy that I was interested in. He all the time, we should hang out. Let's hang out, liking all my stuff. Yeah. I'll see him out, whatever. And I'm like, honestly, I'm not even interested in you anymore. You should have made the effort a long time ago. Like if you really want to hang out, they're like, let's go to dinner.

SPEAKER_04 21:26

Yeah, it's not that hard. If a guy wants something, he will go for it. Exactly. Literally, the stuff I see with these guys and the stuff they put up with. Oh my gosh, why didn't you leave? Yeah. If a guy can't do the bare minimum, leave because there's billions of other guys. Yeah. And isn't that nice? Getting to that point where you're like, you just know. It's so much more brain energy to spend on other things.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

I saw him. He was like, I saw you. Like, why were you like rude or like off? And I was like, sorry, honestly, I didn't even notice. Like I thought I said hi and moved on.

Masculine Feminine Energy And Safety

SPEAKER_04 22:00

But you were just in frame doing your own thing. Sorry that my whole world didn't stop. I saw you. And people are used to people operating that way now because we're all searching for validation. But it's like a bottomless pit. Because if your happiness and worth is based off of getting validation from another person, then you're gonna get it. And then then what? Then you're gonna need it from someone else. And it's this endless cycle. But if you're in frame, you're gonna see someone and think like nothing of a beat. Hi, whatever. But seeing him didn't make you feel like more of a woman. Him saying hi to you didn't make you feel like your value was that's not how that works. You already have your value, it changes our demeanor and how we act.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

And that's what we discussed the feminine energy before my perception and definition was way off. What was it before personality? I thought it was very dainty. You almost had to be mute and be like, okay, whatever you want. And then once I talked to someone that came on, she's like, no, because I'm very blunt. Assertive is good. That's not a bad thing. I'm independent, blunt, honest, upfront, transparent. If there's a problem, let's address so we can move forward. But sometimes that can come off as masculine energy. And she was like, no, there's like a happy medium.

SPEAKER_04 23:15

Yeah, no, I don't think so at all. I think that's the amount of guys that I've talked to that just would love that. They're like, just tell me. Because guy, that's how guys are operate. They're very simple in the end of the day. They just want to know. They don't want us to be like, so that's a cute purse. They want us to be like, babe, I really want that purse. And then they'll be like, oh, cool, yeah, I'll get it for you. They're very simple. They just want peace. Operating that way is the fastest way to peace because you're able to work through things, not dance around them. It's when women are like, I'm gonna hold a grudge and I'm mad, and you need to figure out why I'm mad. That's the issue. Because then guys are like, what do they do? And they can't figure it out, and it's this vicious cycle. But it's incredible. Like a woman in her healthy feminine energy is very powerful because she knows what she wants. It's like that neck analogy. The man is the head, the woman is the neck, and she could turn him any way she wants. I saw two things in real life. In real life, when I was on a retreat that we did, there was this man, and he was like, My wife. She makes me feel like the king of the world. I was reading the text she's sending him, and they're like in their like 60s or 70s, and she's wow, you are just like, and just going on about how handsome and what a great provider he is, and you are just the shining armor of the family. That's the way she spoke to him. And he was like, What can I do for you? That's in order to get what you want accomplished. It's the same way, too, with a man and woman. If you love on each other and give each other the respect and the safety and make the other person feel special and like a priority, then they'll be so happy to do anything for you. And I think it's the same with women. If we feel I'm happy to make someone a sandwich, I will happily make you a sandwich. If you're showing me off and this is my woman, I'll be like, what do you want? What do you want me to do? I'll do it. And fine, all of a sudden, my skirt went on. And because I now don't have to worry about my safety. That's what puts us into our masculine when we feel like we need to be in control. The guy that I had a podcast with the other day, he was like, What happened? I was like, because he's not from here. And so I was like, I'll give you a ride home so you don't have to Uber. And he was like offered to drive. And I was like, absolutely, yes. You can absolutely drive. And I think that there's a lot of women that are like, no, I can do it myself. I can drive. No, give him, let the man. And it's wonderful because then we can be like, oh, I'm safe now, and I can be a little girl. Like that's a thing when a woman is comfortable around a man because she does get like giddy and girly, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's not still gonna be like honest and transparent and blunt. Like you can, they're not mutually exclusive. You know what I mean? Like you can do both 100%.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

It's like taking it back to when guys are like gentlemen.

SPEAKER_04 26:15

The smallest thing, like opening a door.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

It's like the most underrated thing that people don't do.

SPEAKER_04 26:21

Yeah. Also happened with him the other day. And I went to grab the door because I'm so not used to it in LA. I'm not used to it. And he's from Louisiana. So he was like, and you know what he did that I really liked? He's like, Can you let me? Because I've also had guys be mad at me because I'm not letting them open the door. We've had guys be like frustrated with me. And I'm like, it's not that I'm intentionally trying to take this from you. I'm just not used to guys doing that. So it's also important how a guy does that. Like, for example, the sidewalk rule, right? I've had guys gently guide me to the inside of the road and place themselves on the outside. That's the way it's done with class. But if my abusive ex was like, you need to stand in the inside because it makes me look bad. It was all about him, where he was like, I don't want to look like an asshole by letting you stand on the outside. It wasn't actually about protecting me or protecting his image. Yeah. All alone. But yeah, it's such a beautiful dance when we're both in our masculine and feminine. And there are times when it switches. I think it's important for a woman to, if the man loses his job, step up. No problem. I'm gonna, if you're a stay-at-home mom, I'm gonna go get a job. I can do that. I'm gonna do anything to support this family. There are seasons when we flow into our energy. We always say it's great when a man is in touch with his feminine side. I think it's the same thing with a woman. It's great when she's in touch with her masculine side too. It's just that when you're in your healthy feminine, you're operating different, but you're still getting shit done.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

And she was telling me, like, if you're always in your masculine, you're attracting guys that are in their feminine.

SPEAKER_04 27:59

I was like, We had this huge debate about this on the last podcast I was like, because he was saying that. He was like, I would not want a woman like in her masculine, she needs to already be in her feminine. And then my friend was like, no, a masculine man could take a woman out of her masculine and a truly masculine man could take a woman out of her masculine and put her in her masculine. I think that's true. I think it's a little bit of both. I think that you have to be, like they say, a woman has to know how to receive. And so I think to an extent, like you have to be in a space where because a man can be incredibly secure in himself and masculine and come along, and a woman is fully in her masculine because she's had to survive. She didn't have a dad growing up. And she might resist it so much. I'm not letting you drive. I'm holding the fucking door myself. I don't need you to do that stuff. So she has to be willing to move into that meme that's healed so hard. I like pink again. Like that's I used to be like pant suits and no dresses. And now I'm finally like, it's okay to I like a dress every once in a while. I'm like, I don't have to choose the outfit. Literally. You'll always find an asset. Nine out of ten. I think it's being able to move into that feminine. I recognize now my energy when I'm around different men. Even people I'm working with the last time I was with a man who's very masculine. He wasn't as assured in himself as he should be. I watched myself turn into a bitch. I watched as I moved into my masculine, even in a dress, energetically, he wasn't taking lead. I was like, okay, I'm gonna take the reins now because you're not doing it. And then what happens is we start testing them. Are you gonna step up?

SPEAKER_00 29:48

Okay, I'm gonna do it then. Or like needing the constant validation. And I'm like, okay, are you insecure? Because everyone is insecure to some aspect. 100%. A truly masculine guy or a woman in their feminine who truly knows themselves is so secure and knows who they are at their foundation. And so those little it gets to a point where it's dude. Efficient. I feel like that's to fuel their ego.

SPEAKER_04 30:12

I think it's a dangerous man is an insecure man. All of my exes, not all of them. The healthy one was super secure in himself. But yeah, an insecure man can because they haven't done the work with them in themselves. And I feel for people that are painfully insecure, that's the worst feeling. And we all have our insecurities. We all have our things, but you have to give yourself time to love yourself. Because if you're feeling the need to pick at your person and fish for compliments, then you don't already believe you're enough. The compliments when they come should be cool, nice, but I already know I'm great. But thank you. And I think that is like a little red or orange flag to look out for if a guy is doing those sorts of things really early on. Careful because the insecurity will it's the biggest that and jealousy is the number one killer.

Insecurity Jealousy And Fixing People

SPEAKER_00 31:02

That's I found myself in a constant cycle of taking on projects. But someone needs healing, especially now where I'm at, I just stop myself because they've some of the people are like friends, also. They started to have more feelings, and I was like, um, maybe, but I could help them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:20

Fall in love with the potential. It's not good. The biggest thing is you have to see a person right where they are. If they stay the way they are right now, forever, would I be okay with that? And if not, you don't date them. My dad always told me you can help everyone. You can fix everyone, you can be there for everyone for your partner. That is the one person you should not have to fix. With my situations, I did the same thing. I would date just all of the all the fit cleanup cases. And they start to resent you too, because if they can't hold their space as a man, like I fully did the credit card under the table thing, like I've done and so that eats away at them because they know that like you're the one really leading, providing as the woman and as a man, that is terrible feeling. It's just doing both people a disservice, and we stick in so many relationships where we see the potential or we see they have a good heart, or we understand why they're doing what they're doing because of childhood trauma. Yeah. So then we feel bad and we're like, I can't fault them. It's not your job to fault them for it. But the reality is if they haven't healed their wounds and figured out what their attachment styles are and become securely attached, it's not your job to fix them.

SPEAKER_00 32:35

Yeah. That's one of the things that just like really bothers me is when people are like, but like growing up, like X, Y, and Z, or my dad was around, whatever. I'm like, everyone has their issues, everyone has childhood trauma. But it's just like blaming whenever you're 30 years old, blaming something when you're eight years old. It's like, babe, you've had like 22 years to fix and heal it.

SPEAKER_01 33:01

I just realized it's too annoying. Oh shoot. I'm not regarding the name. Oh my gosh. They said that they called and we disposed of the order. Whatever that means. They should have just dropped it off in the front or put it down and leave. It's okay, thank you.

Childhood Trauma EMDR Breathwork Reiki

SPEAKER_00 33:55

Just let me like feel myself with it. Okay, what were we talking about? Oh, people with childhood trauma. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 34:01

Everyone has something. And that's the thing, is I think that like growing up, or like when I first started doing this work, I was like, I don't have anything from childhood. So what is it actually? That's not true. Yeah. I really thought, because my parents are still together, very white picket fence, like Christian growing up, no alcohol use at all. They like just recently, this maybe I'll have a sip, but definitely no like abuse, no drug use, none of that. I was like, okay, so I don't have trauma, but that's not how it works. We can still get our attachment styles from something that happened early on. For example, when I was firstborn, my mom couldn't provide enough milk for me. I got really skinny. And then finally, my grandma was like, just put her on a bottle. The doctor had told her not to. And so they did. And so she didn't, she was doing the best she could. She was doing literally what the doctor said to do, but the doctor was incorrect. And they should have put me on formula. So I think that in a lot of my life, that shows up in a way of the scarcity mindset. I had an eating disorder for a while, definitely a control thing. But also as an infant, my first months of life, I was like, if I don't drink all of it right now, I'm gonna die when I did get milk. So the way that I still see food, I have to slow myself down because my instinct is I need to eat it all right now. Like if I don't eat, I die. So a lot of little stuff like that. And then I had a lot of problems with girls and like first, second, third grade, mean girls. And that also had an impact on me. So it can be stuff that like a lot of times I sit there with my clients and I'm like picking apart because they're like, no, childhood was good. I'm like, let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 35:44

What really happened? Yeah, it doesn't even have to be a family thing, or it can be something that like Miley Cyrus. Yeah. She talked about her doing the EDMR. EDM. Oh, okay. And it was crazy because her journey was she, I think she was like on a train. I can't remember exactly what it was. But she made stops along the way. Yeah. And something happened with her grandmother and her mom. And basically, I'm like not explaining this well, but the way that it took her back, she realized, like, oh shit, this is why I've had fear and anxiety of performing on a stage. And it didn't even have to do with anything in her lifetime. It was literally because of her grandmother. And then the grandmother passed it on to the mom, she passed it on to Miley. Generational trauma.

SPEAKER_04 36:33

It lives in our bodies. So cool to see because so many people are healing generations. Like you can heal backwards. It's incredible what we can do when we tap into the power that, like, and breath. God gave us breath. Like, literally, Yahweh is a breath, if you say it. And the I think the word breath is in the Bible. Breath work for me has been transformational. Like I literally have had so much trauma that I didn't even realize if it has nowhere to go, it just stays there. Especially men who don't feel like they can tell anyone. Like it lives in our body until we release it.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

Or it comes out through like getting sick. Or if it stores or injuries, too.

SPEAKER_04 37:14

I was on the call this morning with a doctor who's coming to our event in LA in June. That's what the kind of work he does. It comes out in all these different ways. When I was in my abusive relationship, I got shingles twice. Shingles at 28 years old. It doesn't make any sense, but it was the stress.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

How one side's masculine and one side's feminine. I have all my injuries on my right side, even my lymph system on one side, like this side's always swollen, and like my knee and all this stuff. And so when I got Reiki, he was like, Has anything happened with your dad? Because it's all on your masculine side that I'm seeing. I was like, Wow, crazy. Energy talks. And then he like touched my left shoulder. It was my first time doing the Reiki, and my eyes were closed, and I saw me and my little sister hugging. Oh cute. I love her. Whenever I opened my eyes, he was going through everything with me, and he was like, Do you have a sister? Because whenever I was tapping her left shoulder, like I was mending whatever may have been going on. Interesting. So it really does store in your body. It stores all that so crazy. If you haven't tried breath work, highly suggest. And I love listening to frequency music, like 444.

SPEAKER_04 38:24

Different incredible what music does. So with my business partner, she does write music. I've definitely messed around a little bit with the songs. Can you put some of these tones in here? Because it impacts the way people are feeling. In the sound baths and also incredibly healing. In the breath work with my business partner, we had this session and we were on wood floor playing, and I could feel the vibrations of the music. It takes you to another level of healing because you're vibrating through your body all of the stored energy and weight. It's incredible.

Rapid Fire Green Flags Red Flags

SPEAKER_00 38:59

I love sound baths. Because you can literally just feel it in your body. It's so good. We're gonna take a little break and do a little game. Okay. My voice is like in it.

SPEAKER_01 39:17

You're all good.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

They text consistently and actually make plans. Green. They say they're not ready for a really a relationship, but want to see you weekly. Red. Where's like the balance there?

SPEAKER_04 39:30

If they're not ready for a relationship, there's no reason. You shouldn't be hanging out with them. There's no reason. Yeah. Let them do their healing journey. That happens so much where they're like, they're not ready now, or they're still healing from abuse sometimes. Yeah. And it's okay, they don't need you to be in your life to do that. They should have respect for you enough to go heal on their own, hit you up when they're better. Don't have you hanging around just in case. Or like for when you're ready. Like, that's not fair to you.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

Do you think you can be friends with someone like that during their journey?

SPEAKER_04 40:01

So I have lots of opinions on male, female friendships. I lean towards they're not necessary. I definitely have male friends, but I'm not talking to them all the time. I see them once a year. I also have guy friends that are in this industry. So I talk to them about work stuff. And I have guy friends in the music industry, so I'm working with them, but I don't have guy friends because then you have what's gonna happen when you have relationship problems, and then you're talking to your guy friend about your relationship. He sees that's an opening for him to go right on in and swoop. But wouldn't he have already done that? No. There's plenty of guys to play the long game. And girls as well. Really? So I think that I definitely am not saying you can't have any opposite sex friends. But when you get older too, and when you end up being married, you're probably gonna have more couple friends. When you guys hang out with couples, yeah, you wouldn't go just get dinner with your friend's husband alone. That would be weird. Like I do. You do? Yeah. Just you and him.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

Yeah. Why? We're just best friends. But did you know him first? I met them at the same time. I'm closer to him. I'm close to both of them in different ways.

SPEAKER_04 41:17

You know what I mean? And that's when it depends. Because if she is cool with that and everybody knows, we've all talked about it. There's nothing weird here that can be different. So I think it depends, and I hate saying that, but it really does. But for the most part, having a bunch of especially single guy friends, and watch how they move energetically when all of a sudden they're not single. All of a sudden they're not for you as much as they used to be. That's true. So I think what was the original question?

SPEAKER_00 41:45

Oh, I just went on a tangent. Just for my own knowledge. They say they're ready for. So you were saying, like, can you stay friends with them?

SPEAKER_04 41:51

But yeah, so I think it's all about energy. You're protecting your energy. So it's a big difference if it's not, oh, you're healing, so I'm never gonna talk to you at all until you're healed at all. Maybe you're still like, hope you're well, or Merry Christmas, or you see their stuff on Instagram and you're supporting what they're doing or whatever, but there's no reason to be like constantly talking to them, hanging out, going on dates if they're not ready for that. Yeah. Because then you're just keeping your heart partially invested, and then you're cutting yourself off from someone potentially better because you're using energy on someone who's not ready.

SPEAKER_00 42:27

Thousand percent. They ask about your goals and listen. They disappear for two days and come back like nothing happened.

SPEAKER_04 42:35

So two days, I don't think is the worst. I think that people are like pursuing their goals in their life, like they're gonna be busy. So I disappear from my sister. Oh my bad, I didn't text you back from last week. I don't think that's the worst thing. If you're officially in a relationship and you don't hear from them for two days, I think when you're in a relationship, just a daily check-in. That doesn't mean like you have to be like talking throughout the day. At least once a day a check-in is not a big ask. And I see a lot of girls be like, he's asking, I'm acting like I'm asking a lot. Once a day check-in is not allowed to ask. He's your boyfriend.

SPEAKER_00 43:09

They introduce you to their friends early on. How early?

SPEAKER_04 43:13

I don't think that's bad. I don't necessarily think it's good or bad. Because if they're introducing you to everyone early on, like to get clout or something, it could be bad. So really again, it depends, but it's not necessarily a direct bad or good.

SPEAKER_00 43:28

They say they're just bad at texting. Me too. I'm genuinely actually bad at texting.

SPEAKER_04 43:36

I just think these days, like, we're so overstimulated. There's always something, and that's why today I was stressing out because I was allowing my energy to go to my phone because I was waiting for this email to come or whether or not the files and waiting for this text from my editor. And my energy is going to all those places while I'm just trying to do my makeup when I should honestly just be doing my makeup and be doing those later. So I think that. For that reason, we're all bad at texting. So it's like, are they using that excuse even though they slept with you and haven't texted you in four days? Or are they using that as an excuse because you haven't heard from them in three days and they've been working, but it's not that serious. You're not quite there yet. So I gotta watch the patterns and watch if someone's actions match their words. For example, if someone says they're really bad at texting, but then they're on their phone the whole time, you're on the date.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

And I think that just texting nonstop, or like at the very beginning of meeting, you want to text all the time with someone. I'm like, that's that's such a waste of time. Let's go to dinner, go to lunch, grab coffee, maybe two or three times, see if there's even a vibe there. Because also in person, it's if the energy like frequency, like totally it's not there, like over texting. Yeah. For all like they could be chat GBTing. Yeah. Totally have done that.

SPEAKER_04 44:54

Oh, my me too. My business partner the other day was like, Did you just chat GBT me?

SPEAKER_00 44:58

I'm like, Yes, I did. I didn't have the energy to type out a full message. Literally, me. Yeah. Um, so I definitely agree. I love it. Yeah, no, I agree. Okay. They remember small details about you, your bangs.

SPEAKER_04 45:16

I can't see. Small details. That's such a green flag. I love it when it's like little things that just really don't matter. And they're like, I knew you liked green gummy bears. Yeah. That's really cute. I keep tabs in my phone. So when I start talking to a guy, I'll have my notepad and I'll write all the things. Like, so I'll ask him little questions now and then and just wait for him so that he won't notice that I'm like asking what's your favorite candy or your favorite drink or whatever, and I'll write them down because I have the memory of a toad. Maybe surprise him with stuff. I think little things like that mean a lot. Is that how you show love? Yeah. I feel like my love languages are like all of them. But yeah, I think that's definitely one of them. They communicate when they're busy instead of disappearing. Yes. It doesn't take that long to be like, hey, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna be with clients all day. I'll text you after.

SPEAKER_00 46:08

They follow thousands of random girls online.

SPEAKER_04 46:11

I think it depends because what do they do for a living? Are they following a lot of people, but they don't really actually talk to them. They're just in an industry, or are they clearly just like a fuckboy? I only follow 333 people. If I'm not following a I don't even follow my clients because I think that it's I'm like, this is my portfolio. My husband's gonna see this. Like, who do I want to repres? That's public information. You can make it private, but that's even more so.

SPEAKER_00 46:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:39

I think that what stuff you're liking and commenting on, like everyone can see that. That's your opportunity to show how you operate. So why not clean your act up before you even meet a girl or guy?

SPEAKER_00 46:53

Depending on the industry, like following is situational, like girls' photos and commenting.

SPEAKER_04 46:58

And it depends what the comment is too. Like, I for a while was like I wouldn't even a single guy's photo. And now I'm like, no, like I know some very hot men that I've been on shows with or worked with or whatever, and I'm like, I'm not gonna not support them just because I'm being so like what's the wording?

SPEAKER_00 47:18

I just want to be in a relationship where it takes a lot of effort to go look at what the guy, whoever you're dating, is like in commenting whatever's going on there afterwards. I'm so confident in what we have, that doesn't even matter.

SPEAKER_04 47:30

That's how it was with my ex. I had the password of his phone and I never looked at it. I'm like, why would I he wouldn't? It's fine. And I think he would be the type too, because he was such a flirt and comment on girls' photos. But I was just like, I know him. Like he's not gonna cheat on me. So I just wasn't phased by it. But again, that goes to the core of who how the relationship is, how you guys operate together. And if you have that confidence in each other, then that stuff isn't something you gotta worry about.

Men Crying Respect And Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 47:56

Yeah, they're emotionally open and talk about their feelings. Cute, very agreeing. Do you think it's weird when guys cry?

SPEAKER_04 48:06

No, maybe. I haven't seen a guy cry. I think we were just talking about this in my last podcast, too. And I was like, We're a girl, honestly. A girl, I think girls have a tendency to make crying their personality. Maybe we cry a little too much. Like, I think maybe we're trying to stir up some drama. But when a guy cries for me, if a guy cries with me, I'm like, that is the biggest honor. You hold their head on your chest and you soak up that moment because he is in his little boy form. So you better hold him because you're like very rare opportunities. Are you gonna see that little boy and he's going to put down his walls in a world that doesn't allow him to show that? I think in a moment like that, it's absolutely and you hear so many guys saying that I cried and she used it against me. It's terrible. So if you are ever in an opportunity where a guy is able to be that vulnerable, that takes a lot of strength to be that vulnerable with a woman who you feel like society's told you can't be weak ever. So if they have the strength to show you that side of them, embrace that, hold him, be there, hold that space for him, and reaffirm that it's totally okay. I appreciate that you allowed me to see that, like thanking him for letting you in so that he feels safe to continue to let you in. Because if you don't react well in that moment, he will never let you in.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

And then that will cause resentment too. Yeah. No, I think safety is such a huge thing. It's the biggest.

SPEAKER_04 49:34

Yeah. Women want safety, men want respect. So if he doesn't feel safe to be vulnerable with you, he won't feel respected.

SPEAKER_00 49:42

Women want safety, men want respect. Okay. What does that look like though? Is it from the beginning?

SPEAKER_04 49:48

Yeah, I think women want to know that they're gonna be protected.

SPEAKER_00 49:51

We're also like the men with respect thing.

SPEAKER_04 49:53

For example, he wants to know that you're not gonna go talk bad about him or tell your friends you're gonna respect him as a man and give him the opportunity to show up for you. Be honest. That's why transparency is huge. You're blunt and you're transparent. Letting a guy know right away, I'm not only seeing you, you gave him the respect of letting him know. Or maybe you walk into a room and it's an industry event and there's a guy that you have been with in your past. You let him know I had a thing with him so that when he comes over here, man to man, you can look at him and they have the little language between them. He was already telling him, I already know. But if he doesn't know, he's gonna look at him like you don't even know. And it's like that's gonna make him feel disrespected and take away his ability to feel like a man. Going back to what we were saying before, all you gotta do is make them feel more like a man and they'll do whatever you want. But you have to give him the respect for him to feel that way. Keeping your word and making sure you value a man's opinion too. That makes him feel respected, or you ask for his opinion. They love being asked for help or stuff. It can be silly things, but can you help me open until they know what?

SPEAKER_00 50:59

I'm like, can you help me hang this shelf? Oh, and then they don't do it. No. That's a thing. He was feminine. It's okay.

SPEAKER_04 51:06

Yeah, okay. Yeah. I think that most of the time, if you ask a guy to help you hang a shelf, he'll be happy.

SPEAKER_00 51:13

Yeah.

unknown 51:14

Happy.

Breaking The Same Dating Pattern

SPEAKER_00 51:14

Yeah. That's so funny. Okay, so how do we break out of the pattern of dating the same person just in a different body?

SPEAKER_04 51:25

That's the number one shit. Okay, so we have to figure out why we're attracted to what we're attracted to. So generally, like with me, I literally dated them. If you saw the picture, you'd be like, oh my god, this is literally the same guy, different body, fully tattoos, both look like they just got out of prison. We have the same type. I had to look at why I am attracted to them. That's why we look at what are my attachment styles. What I was attracted to was that very love bomby, same sort of thing. Until we figure out why I am attracted to something toxic. And then once you realize what that is, probably from childhood, you can figure out how to give it to yourself. So you give yourself the love that you need so that you can make better choices going forward until you figure out why you're choosing that. You're attracting it, but you're also attracted to them, which means you're not going to be attracted to good options until you figure that out. And then you have to give yourself, and it's comfy at first, to give yourself the opportunity to be with someone who is not your type when it feels weird and you want to run. But if you're aware of why you want to run and you're like, oh, this feels unfamiliar to me because of how my mother or father reacted with me or loved me, or because of something in my childhood, now I'm aware that this to me feels abnormal because it's so healthy. And so I'm gonna sit here and experience it. And also that's why the trauma and the breath work is so good. Because if you're doing breath work regularly, you experience what it feels like to be grounded, to be calm. And then that becomes your new normal. So now when you go back to that chaotic relationship that you're used to with the guy number three, all of a sudden you're like, I know this feels familiar because it's my the chaos that you're used to. And then you calm, uncomfortable, calm, you're familiar chaos. So you then you recognize I'm gravitating towards this because as a child, that was taught to me that like I was taught that was normal. So instead, I'm gonna choose not to give into it, even though it feels like I want to, but I'm gonna remember how I felt. Go do a breath work really quick. Remind my body and my nervous system what it feels like to be calm and grounded. And when you're with the calm guy, you'll recognize that calm feeling is familiar now because it's how you feel when you're in breath work. When I was with my ex, the healthy one, the first six months, dude, I was like, he's gonna pop at any moment. Yeah, he's gonna get mad. I was like bracing myself. I would tell him some bad news or something, not even bad. Like I would just always be expecting him to go off, and then he just wouldn't. And I was like, Are you good? Yeah, is everything okay? Like it took at least six.

SPEAKER_00 54:14

Did he have tats too? No, not a single tattoo. Oh, so you went for a different physical type too?

SPEAKER_04 54:19

Totally the other way. Okay. Physically, they weren't like that different, but no tattoos. Blonde hair, blue eyes, like totally different. Totally different.

SPEAKER_00 54:29

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, because I think people also think that fit you have to give up a physical type whenever you're trying to break out of this pattern.

SPEAKER_04 54:39

That's not true either. Like, you can definitely, I mean, there are plenty of blasted in tattoos looking like they just got out of prison. Really calm, sweet guys. Like you just have to be basing your attraction to them off their behavior. Yeah. And not their words, their actions. And what are they doing? How are they living? Whether or not we are aware of it, we as women automatically assess a man before the first date based off his life. So for men, I always tell them like, stop worrying about what you're gonna text her, what you're gonna say to her, how are you living? She's gonna notice your habits. What are you doing on the weekend? Do you have a routine? Are you going to the gym? That's the stuff that makes us feel safe. Because if he has a routine, if he has his bills covered, if he has a dog that he takes care of, that to us says, okay, you can take care of me and my children.

SPEAKER_00 55:30

Or dog's a huge green flag. We love dogs. I would say cats, but sorry, I'm not a cat person. And cats, like they're not as high maintenance as dogs. So if a guy has a dog, it's yeah. Yeah. And also if they're wherever they live, I'm just now naming my green flags, but if wherever they live is clean and like semi, like aesthetic, like the decor. It's not just thrown together pieces from like random ass place it.

SPEAKER_04 55:57

You're gonna be living with this person forever. So definitely check in on like how do they live? Because some people are eclectic and some people are not. And those two are not gonna do well living in the same space. Like, I'm a minimalist. If I could not be with like a guy who has like tons of stuff and is a mess, like I will lose it. But we have to be aware of that. And I think a lot of people don't take the opportunity to even find out, and then before you know it, you're living with each other and you're pulling each other's hair out. And we have to have those conversations. Do you want kids? Are you gonna be cool raising your kids in the church or not in the church? Or I wanted our kids to learn violin, or I'm a very clean person. Would you be okay with me taking over the decoration of the house? Yeah. Because if I've said it now, you don't get to get mad at me later. We tried about this. But a lot of people don't have those conversations, but will happily get naked with one another.

Sex Timing And Exclusivity Talks

SPEAKER_00 56:49

Maybe it should be the other way around. But it's hard. What's your personal rule or what you give advice to your clients as far as like sleeping together?

SPEAKER_04 57:00

It's a big, it depends because I think for sure in a perfect world, it would be literally wait till you're married or wait till you are engaged. I had who said the other day? Jimmy, right when you said it, thinking back and realizing, oh my God, oh you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me right now? You do not compare a woman's body to a car. That's a red flag. Almost a non-negotiable, just saying that. But I would argue that we all, first of all, sex has so many different factors. It's hormones. What are your hormones like that week? How are you feeling that week? What's going on in your life that week? Are you feeling safe? Do you know each other well enough? There's so many factors. And what was your past life? There's so many factors. So one good sexual experience doesn't mean you're gonna have a good sex life. Yeah. And nor does not having it mean you're gonna have a bad sex life. Like if you guys love each other and care about each other, your sex will be fine. That is the last thing to worry about. I would say to definitely make sure you guys can communicate well and can talk about sex, talk about what the needs are and where you are on your like how sexual you are and what you like have that conversation. But I definitely think that ideally you wait. So I ideally you wait till marriage. But if not, you wait till at least you're engaged. And if not, it's just for me, I'm like, as long as you can wait, like the longer the better. It's not gonna hurt to wait longer. We all think about like when we were younger, like the first times we had sex. It's not great for everyone the first time. So that might be like ruining my whole argument. But if you waited a long time because you were young and just didn't want to jump into it, it was likely pretty good that first time because you're lot young and you're in love, and there's all these hormones and feelings, and so it's usually pretty good. But if you just do it prematurely, if a guy doesn't want to be with you just because he already slept with you, then his loss. Because a guy who actually cares about you isn't gonna leave you because you slept with him too soon either.

SPEAKER_00 59:11

I think that's a huge misconception that girls battle with. Yeah. Oh my gosh, I met him, we slept together, and now he hasn't asked me out or asked me on a date. He was a fuckboy.

SPEAKER_04 59:22

A guy who really cares about you just doesn't operate that way. There's plenty of guys that I slept with my the good too soon, and it didn't matter. We were together for years. I do regret it though. I noticed that his respect for me was a little pro he adored me and he definitely respected me, but it came up every once in a while, and I was like, that's interesting. You know what I mean? Mine's six months. I think six months is a good place before getting engaged because you don't want to rush into marriage or getting engaged just because you want to have sex. So I think six months is a good mark, and also making sure you're actually exclusive. That's the problem with dating, is people will be like, oh, I'm dating around and you're sleeping with all of them. So now everybody's confused, and some people want to be exclusive and some people not, and you didn't have the conversations, and some people are assuming we slept together, so aren't we together? So I think at the very least, make sure you're in a relationship first before you have sex with them because then you're gonna probably get hurt or hurt someone else.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:19

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that is like a huge topic, especially for girls, like wondering, and also everyone has made their mistakes. So, like sleeping with a guy the first time you guys hang out, I'm sorry, you can't expect much. Yeah. I know that there's some like cases where some of my friends have been like, no, like that's how my friend like met her husband, and I'm like, that's amazing to happen. But I just go in, like you have to have the mindset, like, yeah, it's not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:49

So even like now I think about it with my ex who I say I slept with too soon. I had known him for 15 years still before I slept with him, and I had been in touch with him for months before so even that felt too soon. To your point, yeah. The reality is if you just the thing is, I think that in a man's mind, right, if he's I just met her and she immediately slept with me. How can I trust her to not do that with other men when she's with me? Because that's the biggest thing for a man is the respect, right? And for us, we want to feel safe. I'm not saying it doesn't work this the other way around, but we have a different reaction when we have sex with a man. We our bodies get attached and theirs don't. So it's just a very different experience.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:34

Do you think that if you are waiting three, six however long months, if he's not getting it from you, he's gonna get it from somewhere else? I think that during that time he's gonna be like searching elsewhere because you have to be clear about your like You have to be clear from the beginning.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:51

I think you have to be clear. The first couple dates, it should be assumed that y'all are not exclusive. But if you get to a point where you start feeling like I would feel icky if he slept with someone else, then I don't think it's too much to ask, hey, are you or like seeing other people? I don't think that a girl should have to do it. If he hasn't asked you by month two, uh you probably should see your way to the door because if he is about it, he's gonna want to have already locked it down.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:23

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:24

So you think that by month two is when exclusivity should let's say we're really taking it slow and you're really going on very few dates and you're not blowing up each other's phone. Say you're going on one date a week, two months, that's already eight dates. You're eight dates in, and he still isn't sure and wants to see other people. Oh, true. Like guys, they know from the beginning. And the other guy was on the podcast, he said there's three buckets of women. There's one that they immediately know are gonna be wifey, there's ones that they're like friends with benefits, and then there's ones are literally just it just gets more and more like he just really is not trying to be with you. The last one, it's if she tries and hits me up and it makes it really easy for me and drives to me and makes it super easy, then sure, I'll sleep with her. God forbid. Like, don't do me any favors. Yeah. So that being said, yeah, if you've gone on eight dates and you're still like getting a vibe that he's probably seeing a lot of other women, and it could be a date thing too. So say I was in another state and I went on a date with one guy, and then I moved home or I flew back home and then I didn't see him again. So that's still only we've only had one date. Yeah. So I think it should be based more on dates than time.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:44

Yeah. You could be like maybe having a phone call in between or something too. Yeah.

Intentional Dating And Becoming Ready

SPEAKER_04 1:03:49

But yeah, I definitely think that conversation should be had. And that's what's so important. Like the conversation needs to be had. And until you've had that conversation, you absolutely should assume he is sleeping with and dating other people. Not necessarily sleeping with, because like in my dating pool, it's like a lot of good Christian men, I assume they're probably not sleeping with a bunch of women. Like they're looking for a wife and they're not gonna sleep with someone they're not seeing as a future wife. That conversation simplifies things when you're purpose-driven. The kind of men that I coach, there's no fing way they'd be sleeping around. I meet with these guys weekly. We have group calls. I see how they act behind closed doors, I see how they talk about women, I see the work that they're doing on themselves for their future wife without sleeping with anyone, just before they've even met her. So, like a man like that. So they exist. Yeah, so many of them. You talk to them every week, girls. Message me if you want one. A guy like that, he's gonna take you on a couple dates and then a couple months in be like, I would like to be exclusive and pursue a relationship with purpose with you.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:58

They're intentionally dating, they're not just dating. To fuck around. Yeah. I think that's my problem is I don't even date or try at all. I'm like, oh, I think I'm delusional, honestly. I'm just in my little bubble working on myself. I'm like, oh, he's just gonna come along.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:11

That's not untrue.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:12

And I put a no effort towards other guys.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:16

You shouldn't be putting in effort. Like the guys, they're the hunters, they will pursue you. My dad said a great analogy. Yeah. He said there's three types of men there's hunters, farmers, ah shit. What was the third one? And gatherers, yeah. And so you want a farmer. Yeah. He does the work, he's nurturing the soil, he's prepping. Hunters are like collecting bodies. Yeah, literally. And then the gatherers are like low hanging fruit. Yeah. As long as you're in your power and doing your thing, who knows? There could be a guy walking in doing a podcast, and he's not here looking for you. He's here, and then he sees you, and he's oh my gosh, she's so pretty. And then he's gonna. Ask for your number and take you out on a date. And then it just happens. If you're doing your thing, you're outside of the house right now. I'm being so dramatic. But no, just like Hotella. I swear I just saw that post. Yeah. The outfit was super cute. Thank you. I love it. But yeah, so I think that as a woman, the most important thing to do is to be also like thinking about I want to be, that's what I've been working on for me. And I see guys doing it. I think it's so attractive. Working on becoming what your future husband needs now. Because you're not going to magically wake up and be a great wife just because you're married. That takes years to get there. When you're in marriage, that's not going to fix your problems. It's going to magnify all the areas you didn't look at because we don't see those things in ourselves. And when we're with someone else, often the things that bother us about them are actually things that we need to work on. So I think the most important thing for us as single people is to work on becoming the best future partner and the best version of ourselves and filling up our soul and getting excited about life. And then it'll be easy when it comes. Asking all these questions, wondering, being like, is this sus? Is this not sus? Like I said, with some of the guys I work with, it's just they would just never. It's too obvious. A girl would go on a date with them and be like, this guy's not cheating on me.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:20

Yeah. Like, there's no way.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:22

And it's not because he's like some loser, like it's just because he is completely grounded in frame. He knows what he wants. He has his mission. And that's the other thing, too. I'm not talking about nice guys. The misconception, too, is oh, nice guys finished last. It's important to be nice, but they need to have a backbone too. If you just let a woman walk all over you, then we're not going to respect him. That's when a guy, you see, a guy are like get the ick or whatever. It's because he's not standing up for himself. Is he if he's in frame and has his boundaries, then he's gonna be like, yeah, no, I'm not okay with you talking to other guys. We've been talking for a couple months. This is what I like moving forward, this is what I expect. You will also voice your expectations, but like how hot is that for a guy to be like, This is what I want? And that's the leadership element, which allows us to be in our feminine.

Where To Find Chelsko

SPEAKER_00 1:08:10

So the moral of the story, there are good guys out there. She needs to share the love. But you don't only coach guys, you've also coached women too.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:19

Where can everybody find like you can go to chelsco.com or my profiles. I have Chelseco Music and Chelsco Coaching, and all the links are in the bio.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:28

And then what's the retreat you have in June? Is it open to public?

SPEAKER_04 1:08:31

Yes, 100%. So we're doing a dream big. It's myself and Hakeem, another coach, and we're doing an event in downtown LA. It's gonna be really cool because it's gonna be like a kind of like a gifting suite type of thing. But yeah, it is open to the public, so you can get those tickets. They're gonna be on sale like this next week. So check my bio for links to that event. It's going to be on June 7th.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:52

Yeah, if I'm a town, I'm definitely coming. If you guys need like a sound bath person, let me know. My best friend Carly does it and she's amazing. Thank you so much for coming on. This is so fun. I loved it. I appreciate it. Thank you guys for listening to another entry of the Dry Diaries. I'll see you next week. Bye.