#31 What to Do When You Don't Like Your Own Kid

What do you do when your child’s behavior is so challenging, it starts to change the way you feel about them? When parenting struggles go beyond the typical hard days, and you're dealing with a difficult child who feels mean, rude, entitled—or just plain exhausting?

In this episode, Katy is taking on LDS parenting struggles that don’t often get talked about. We’ll talk about what to do when you don’t like your child, how to handle rude behavior in kids, and how to respond when their actions feel triggering, overwhelming, or even toxic.

This is about more than just managing challenging behavior in children—it’s about understanding what’s really going on inside of you, so you can show up with love, boundaries, and emotional resilience. You’ll walk away with hope, tools, and a fresh perspective on what it means to love your child, even when it’s hard.

Transcript

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What do you do when your child's behavior feels rude, entitled, maybe even toxic? When you're constantly walking on eggshells and the whole family feels like a ticking time bomb? If you've caught yourself dreading interactions or even not liking your child and then feeling horrible about it, you are not alone. In this episode, I'm going all in on what to do when your child's behavior feels out of control and how to handle it without losing yourself. your sanity, or most importantly, your peace. We're gonna talk about what real love looks like in those hard moments, how to set boundaries with compassion, and how to shift the story you're telling yourself so that you can feel empowered instead of stuck. This is episode number 31 what to do when you don't like your own kid. Welcome to the More Than Homeschooling podcast. I'm your host, Katy Murdock, and this is where we dive in each week to chat about homeschooling our kids, living our faith, and how to take on life with confidence. I'm a life coach and a long time homeschooling mom of four who's passionate about helping moms like you live boldly and love deeply. Let's get started. As moms, we want to love each and every one of our kids. The first time that you set your eyes on your child, you have so many hopes and so many dreams for them. You imagine what kind of person they're gonna become. And we have this picture perfect ideal where our home is filled with peace and love and security. There's that one child. And it seems like the one who always, wants to be at the center of every argument, every problem. The one who pushes your buttons, picks on their siblings, challenges every request. The one that leaves you feeling emotionally drained. And if we're honest, the one that you kind of dread being around. So I'm not going to name names today. I've had this experience in my own family and in my own life and I just want to let you know you're not a bad mom. You're a human mom with real emotions and I want to walk you through this really painful and disruptive situation because it is tough and it's something that many moms don't talk about. We don't talk about what is going wrong. We want to talk about the good things about our kids but when it's hard and difficult it can be so lonely. So before we talk about what to do, we need to talk about what love is. What does love mean to you? Does love mean accepting any behavior? Does it mean always feeling warm and fuzzy inside? Or is love something deeper? We often think of love as something that happens outside of you. Something that is a response to someone else's kind acts or deeds and then we feel love because they did something. But actually, love is an inside job and it starts in our thoughts. Love is a feeling created by the thoughts we think. you cannot inject someone else with love just like they can't inject you with it your child doesn't express their love for you and that emotion comes rushing in from them it is the thought that surrounds what your child said and then your brain sends those chemical signals to the rest of your body Okay, here's something, and I'm sure we all can relate to this. Have you ever had a friend who you love to be around? Someone that is awesome and amazing and kind. I have a couple of those in my life. I'm so grateful. And then you talk to someone else who thinks that same friend that you love and admire and just think is the greatest person in the world, and they cannot find a kind word to say about that person. They think they are entitled or rude or mean. So what's the difference? We're still talking about the same person, but the difference is the thoughts that an individual has about them. So it's the same person. The difference is the thoughts that individual is having about that person. It is how they have interpreted their interactions with your friend that created their negative or their positive opinion about them. So if you want to feel love for your child, even the challenging one, we have to start with the way we're thinking about them. But here's the thing. Before you can offer love outward, you need to extend it inward. You have to start by loving yourself. Stop shaming and blaming yourself. Start seeing yourself for who you truly are. A spiritual being having a very real, a very human experience. So right now you are doing the absolute best you can with where you are. You are in the thick of something that is difficult and challenging. And so think about it this way. It's like you're in a calculus class, right? Maybe it's calculus 201. It's really hard and challenging and you're beating yourself up because you're not getting the answers right. So this is just like with your child. You're going through something really hard and it is challenging. But that's not a reason to beat yourself up. Now, I know what you're thinking. Katie, I am struggling here. I need a solution, okay? I totally get that. I totally hear you. But I promise, when you can come at this with compassion for yourself, you're going to solve most of your problems. And this is why. When we're in constant fight and flight mode, our brains want to shut off. They turn off the logical, the solution oriented part of our brains that we want to be able to access in these moments of frustration and anxiety and stress. And you're operating from a survival standpoint. So when your child acts up and you snap, yell, or you shut down, It's not because you're failing. It's because your brain is trying to protect you in the best way it knows how. And then you feel guilt. You shame yourself. You blame your child for how you feel. And then the cycle keeps repeating. Let's stop shooting ourselves in the foot with this thought. If my child would just behave, I'd be okay. Because while there is a little bit of truth in that, yes, if we're being honest, it would be easier if they would just choose to behave, right? Life would be so much simpler if our kids could just do everything that we asked them to, when we asked them to, and they were like little robots all the time. But they are not robots and it's not helpful. That thought is not going to bring you peace and it's not the solution. It's going to keep you stuck. Okay. Our kids are not robots. They have their own human brains that they're trying to manage and figure out and deal with as well. So let's ground this in truth. Your child is not toxic, rude or annoying. Those are thoughts that your brain is generating to make sense of their behavior. This is how I like to see it. You can't take your child down to the lab to get a blood test to see if they're positive for being toxic, rude, or annoying. It's not a medical diagnosis. It's just the story that we're telling ourselves. And this is why. What is toxic? What is annoying? What is rude? What does it mean? to you may not mean the same to another person. So think of this. Have you ever had someone share a pet peeve of theirs that drives them absolutely crazy? And while you can totally see why that is annoying to them, to you, it's not that big of a deal. That's because you're all experiencing life through a lens shaped by our own beliefs and thoughts. It's not bad. It's just different. So before we start labeling behavior, let's take the drama out of the situation and focus on the facts. Now, I want to be really clear. This does not mean you allow any behavior. What it does mean is that you take the drama out of the situation so you can access the conscious part of your brain, the part that can reason, connect, and can solve problems. This is how it looks. Your son is simply your son. Your daughter is simply your daughter. Now, you may not be able to jump straight to love from this point, but i would recommend you go to curiosity thoughts that ask you a question about what's going on for them or why would they behave this way what is up for them that is challenging for them one thought could be i wonder what's going on for him right now curiosity neutralizes negativity and over time with practice. You can move from curiosity to compassion and then to love. Okay, really quick. I do want to talk about boundaries. They're super important. Boundaries are not a punishment. They're not about controlling someone else. Boundaries are actually an act of love for your child, for your other kids, and especially for you. It's loving to say, this is an expectation, this is the consequence, and I love you enough to follow through. Love doesn't mean permissiveness. Love doesn't allow someone to hurt themselves or others emotionally, mentally, or physically. So I'd like you to ask yourself, what does love look like for everyone involved in this family? and then start creating boundaries that reflect that vision. So here is something that I want to share with you and I believe it can be really powerful. We have the opportunity as homeschooling moms to teach something that's missing in our world. Emotional resilience. I understand math and science are really important, but so is learning how to understand and manage your emotions. Emotional intelligence affects every area of life. So I wanted to share that this is something that I'm excited about. It's a new resource that I've created that is teaching kids about their amazing brains and it helps them to manage their emotions. It's a combination of gospel principles, scriptures, conference talks, and real tools that can help kids be in charge of their own emotions instead of their emotions being in charge of them. Because I believe when we understand our own thoughts and feelings, you can begin to rewrite the stories that are keeping you stuck. And what better way to help our kids, especially when they're young and they're developing their own awareness of their own thoughts and feelings, to help them and set them on a path that will bless the rest of their lives. So I just want to remind you, this journey that we're on, it's not meant to be perfect. I believe it's all about being intentional. We all have that one child that feels hard to love. But maybe, maybe they are the ones who are refining us the most. They are helping you become a better version of you because you are taking intentional steps to better yourself so you can be emotionally and mentally strong. Mom, you're not failing. You're in the fire and you are growing. Start with love. Start with you. Get curious. Set boundaries. Be compassionate. And remember, you're a good mom having a hard moment. You're not a bad mom. And you got this. Wow. Look at that. Another episode of the More Than Homeschooling podcast is done. Did that go by way too fast for anyone else? Are you loving the podcast? I hope so. There's so much more where that came from. Check out the show notes for the free lesson that I was talking about in the show and make sure to rate and subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. New episodes are dropping every Wednesday. Until then, remember your worth isn't measured by checked boxes. Have a beautiful week.