Episode 9 - Detoxify Your Connections: A Path to Healthier Relationships

In episode 9 of Life After Fear, 'Redefine Your Limits', Courtney Schoch discusses identifying and addressing unhealthy relationships. She shares personal insights and actionable steps to recognize patterns and behaviors such as lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and codependency. Courtney emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, open communication, and mental well-being. She delineates the difference between toxic and abusive relationships and offers resources for those in need. The episode encourages listeners to reflect on their relationships and make positive changes for a more fulfilling life.

MENTIONS

Domestic Abuse Hotline - 1.800.799.SAFE
Better Health
Ramsey Solutions
Breath Life Healing Centers

Learn more about your host Courtney Schoch

Transcript

Courtney: Hello, everyone. I'm Courtney Schoch and thank you for joining me for episode number nine of Life After Fear, Redefine Your Limits. This is where you confront your fears and transform your life. I hope you had a terrific Thanksgiving last week if you celebrate it. I took a break from the podcast because it was time for myself and my family.

We have had a ton of transition in our lives for the last year, and with the holiday, it just made sense to take the time off. I'm excited to be back. In this episode, we are going to explore effective methods for recognizing unhealthy relationships. Patterns and share actual items or actionable steps to help address and improve these dynamics.

Have you ever asked yourself a series of questions such as, am I too picky? Is this something I want to put up with? Am I too difficult? Maybe my standards are too high. 

The answers are no, no, no, and no. So stop second-guessing yourself. Everyone deserves to be in a fantastic relationship. It's important to remember that healthy relationships are meant to uplift us and encourage personal growth.

When a relationship starts to drain our energy or stents our development, that is a sign that something needs to change. If you engage in an honest, open conversation, although that can be very difficult and challenging and daunting, but if you do that with your partner about your feelings, it can be incredibly beneficial.

The conversation can help both of you understand each other's perspectives and address any underlying issues. But it's important not to get frustrated during this conversation and be in a better headspace, or it can go sideways very quickly. Believe me, I know this from experience. If you take some time to reflect on the value of your relationship,  ask yourself if it supports your goals and your aspirations. Are you both equally invested in each other's well-being? That includes physical, mental, and spiritual. It's very important to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being because you do deserve a relationship that nurtures and contributes positively to your life. If you recognize any unhealthy behavior or dynamic, take that as an opportunity to work through the challenges together or evaluate whether it's best for you to take a step back.

Self-awareness is key in a relationship. Dr. John Deloney says that people, especially those closest to you, profoundly impact your well-being. We're all going to experience the ups and downs of living and loving imperfect people, but ultimately, our relationship should be a source of joy, not frustration. 

Before we continue, I would like to make one crucial distinction: a toxic relationship is not to be equated with an abusive relationship. Abuse represents a severe form of toxicity, and it's absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances. So if you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, I urge you to seek assistance for them from a qualified professional and you can even contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800 799 SAFE. That's S A F E. 

Please keep in mind that I am not a trained medical professional. That I am doing this podcast, and my opinions and experiences are based off of my own life and my relationships, and the things that I've dealt with. I provide resources, suggestions, but ultimately it's up to you to make your own decision with how you want to handle and live your life. I'm here as a resource. 

All right, friends moving on. Here are some signs of an unhealthy toxic relationship. There are a ton of these. So I'll give you a handful. 

You don't feel like you know yourself anymore. 
- There's constant conflict, criticism, or hostility between you and your partner. 
- There's a lack of open and honest communication and a lack of trust. 
- There are controlling or manipulative behaviors. 
- Emotional, physical, or verbal abuse. infidelity. 
- Incompatible life goals, values, or priorities
- Codependency, or an inability to be independent and neglect of each other's needs and feelings. 

This is not a full, comprehensive list. This was just a handful of things.

And there are so many of these different behaviors that I just mentioned that each one could be its own episode. So, for the sake of time, we're just going to highlight a few.  These behaviors or traits can either be something that you do, or someone does to you or something that you've observed.

So it can be. anyone, so it's not specific.  

Let's dive into number one, which is going to be a lack of trust. When you have a lack of trust, you do not believe what other people say. People with a lack of trust tend to fact-check what other people tell them, even if there's no reason to doubt the honesty of their partner or a friend or a peer; they just don't believe what they say, and they have to confirm it themselves.

And they always expect the worst. Someone expects someone to betray them, even if it's someone that's never betrayed them. they will expect the worst because the lack of trust leads to suspicion of the other person's motive and behavior. And also people, the lack of trust, keep people at a distance. They may not be eager to open up or get close to others. Even if they want a deep connection, a meaningful relationship, they have trouble letting themselves be vulnerable or to be physically intimate. 

The second type of toxic behavior is being controlled. For instance, teasing or ridiculing that has a very uncomfortable undercurrent to it. Humor can be somewhat passive-aggressive. How many of you have had someone say something hurtful to you, and you've paused and said, Oh, hey, like. And it's like in one fell swoop, it's, not only does the original criticism stand, but now there's an additional layer of insult because they're criticizing you of having the wrong reaction to what you're saying.

What they said was a joke. So basically, what you're being told is that you don't have a right to your own feelings. It's a move that's very confusing but classic of someone who's being controlling. Also, if someone is controlling, they do not have the ability or willingness to hear your point of view; you may notice that you're constantly being interrupted or that the opinions you express are dismissed or not even acknowledged in the first place.

Perhaps the conversation is always dominated by your partner, and you don't remember the last time they asked you a meaningful question about what you're doing or what's important to you. And maybe they did ask the question, but they actually never listened to the answer and think back to whether you've ever tried to give them feedback about how their behavior makes you feel and whether or not they've actually been able to take it in, or if they've dismissed it and just made excuses of why they've behaved that way. That makes you feel completely worthless.

So rather someone's done it to you, or you do it to someone else, that behavior has got to stop. 

The other thing that controlling personalities can do is kind of. sidetrack your professional goals or your educational goals by making you doubt yourself. 

For instance, when I wanted to learn how to fly, and at the time, I was married, I was told right out of the gate that I probably wasn't smart enough to do it. And also that we didn't have enough money to do it. That planted the seed of doubt, and it took quite a bit of internal, I don't know, thinking and navigating through this to make me feel comfortable enough to do it despite that seed being planted.

Why is it useful if someone tells you that they want to go do something, and then you have to plant that seed? I mean, why not be encouraging to someone? And often, A controlling partner has a way of using you as a weapon against yourself by planting the seed of doubt.  It could be enough to prevent you from allowing good things to happen and for you to take that step forward.

It's another way that someone can take away your autonomy, making you somewhat reliant on them.   They can knock your building down before you even start building it. Something that a controlling partner may do to is, or a controlling person in your life may do is chronically criticize you no matter how minor it is.

That can start making you feel incredibly Vulnerable and lower your self-esteem. If someone continues to criticize you, it becomes difficult to feel accepted or validated. It can put a huge strain on your relationships and create doubts as to your value as an equal partner. 

The next behavior we are going to discuss is codependency.

This is a sneaky one that is often difficult to identify. According to Better Health, healthy relationships are based on mutual support, shared experiences, and clear communication between two individuals. In contrast, codependent dynamics can lead to a loss of personal independence where one partner's emotional well-being becomes too reliant on the other.

This can result in neglecting personal needs. By respecting both partners desires and emotions, it's important in order to cultivate true intimacy. It's beneficial to recognize the value of healthy connections that allow both individuals to thrive. Life Healing Centers describes codependent relationships like this.

Codependent relationships happen between two individuals when one person is troubled and tends to absorb the other's energy and resources by behaving selfishly. The other person, the codependent, compulsively takes care of the other at the cost of their own well-being and independence. 

Codependency can happen in any type of relationship. That includes between friends, siblings, parents, children, co-workers, and spouses. I don't know how many of you have been in a codependent relationship or witnessed one, but it can be very confusing, and it definitely sneaks up on you. I have definitely been the quote codependent part of the relationship, where I take care of the other person at the cost of my own well-being and independence.

It is not a good place to be. That's where a lot of those questions start to come into your mind. Like we addressed earlier, like Hey, or am I setting my standards too high? Or I feel like I'm neglecting myself, but am I just being selfish? You deserve to have time for yourself and to do things that you want to do, set your goals, and meet your needs

You may end up finding yourself in a position where you allow your partner to take charge of significant aspects of your life. This often happens if you don't trust your own judgment. If you're cut off from other friendships, or if you just agree with opinions that you don't agree with, just to avoid conflicts. In these situations, you might allow your partner to make most or all of the decisions.

This codependent dynamic involves, I guess, violating is the best word for it. Violating your own needs and desires, and that can make it nearly impossible to achieve your own desires. So, let's not prioritize someone else's happiness over your own needs. That's not a good, solid way to build a relationship.

A resource that I found,  called Ramsey's Solutions, had an article for 12 signs that you're in a toxic relationship and what to do if you're in a toxic relationship.  How to get out of it or how to make it better.

The first suggestion was to get out of the other person's head because it's natural to want to get in and analyze all the behaviors of someone else when you've been hurt.

But the fact of the matter is that you don't control someone else's actions, only your actions. And it is a complete waste of time. You need to shift your focus and your energy and move yourself in the right direction. Make yourself stronger and better and not be drugged down by the other person.

The next suggestion is to recognize that behavior is a language. If you're in a relationship with someone who hurts or diminishes you, they're saying all you need to know, even if they aren't using words. So remember that. Behavior is a language. 

The next action or question you can ask yourself is, Are we just in a toxic season? Are there just things going on that are not bringing out the best in the other person, yourself, or both of you? I know that this last year has been really, really tough in our relationship. We've had a lot of death. We've moved a ton, uh, not just ourselves, but we've moved family members.

There have been some job changes,  medical issues, injuries and just a slew of things. Maybe you're just not bringing out the best in each other, and it's important to be honest and set aside time, literally schedule time, to work on the relationship. In my opinion, that's just healthy to do anyway, but if you let a toxic season run away, it is going to completely derail your relationship, and it most likely will bring out the worst in one, if not both, of you.

So it could be a temporary behavior, and if that's the case, it's important to recognize that and get on top of it and make sure it does not continue. 

The last and final suggestion is to be clear on the type of relationship you want. Define your relationship. You know, ask yourself what type of relationship do you want?

Do you want it to be loving and caring, full of kisses, hugs, date nights, and open communication, or just how do you want to define your relationship and see how far off the mark you are? One thing that you could do is maybe ask yourself, what if it wasn't all about you all the time?

Maybe if you think about the things that could make the other person happy and give back to them, perhaps they'll want to give back to you. So if you're trying to make them happy, but also satisfy your needs too. Don't ignore yourself. If you want to do some special little things that you know that your partner enjoys, why not try, why not compromise on something?

The human connection and personal relationships are very fulfilling, but it does take effort and work. Transforming unhealthy habits can be quite a challenge when you identify harmful relationship patterns. Whether it's with friends, family, or romantic partners, really embracing the journey and getting a more authentic, genuine connection with those around you is so worth it. But if you find it difficult to break free from an unhealthy relationship or to prioritize your emotional growth, reaching out to someone who specializes in mental health can offer support and guidance.

Because you're taking a significant step towards a more fulfilling future, everyone deserves to be happy. And that includes you. So remember, you're worth it. 

That is going to wrap up episode number nine. 

I encourage you to explore all the links and resources in the show notes because I do have several of them. Subscribe and share.

I want you to be a part of this growing community. You can connect with me on social media. That's a fantastic way to learn about the fears that you're currently facing or have previously overcome. I've also added a link in the description page so you can text the show directly, and it allows me the ability to read what you have to say and share it with other listeners if you'd like.

Once again, thank you for joining me for episode number nine. Next week, we're going to do episode number 10. It's going to be 10 time traps. 10 time traps that steal your potential. Until next week. Keep reaching for the sky, and never settle for less than what you can be. 

Take care, everyone.