Episode 12 - The Power to Say No: Starting the Year on Your Terms

In episode 12 of 'Life After Fear: Redefine Your Limits,' Courtney Schoch welcomes the New Year by reflecting on the ups and downs of 2024, emphasizing the significance of setting personal boundaries. She discusses how a knee injury interrupted her plans, resulting in stress and a feeling of losing control. Courtney examines the concept of boundaries as a vital aspect of self-care, providing examples like managing time and energy, ensuring clear communication, and the importance of saying no. She shares personal stories and practical tips for establishing and enforcing boundaries to enhance overall mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The episode underscores the necessity of prioritizing one's own needs and values to cultivate meaningful and balanced relationships.

RESOURCES/MENTIONS

Book of Boundaries by Mellisa Urban

12 Signs You May Not Have Boundaries

Blinkist Guide - "Say No" Set Boundaries by Nataline Pereira

How To Set Healthy Boundaries With Anyone

Mel Robbins

Learn more about your host Courtney Schoch

Transcript

Courtney: Happy New Year, everyone. This is episode 12 of Life After Fear Redefine Your Limits with Courtney Schoch. This is where you confront your fears and transform your life. 

What a year it has been. Who agrees with me on this? Rather, it's been a great year or a not-so-great year. I'm sure it's been quite a roller coaster ride.

A fair amount of significant events have occurred and impacted my life this year. As a matter of fact, it's over a dozen. Some have been fantastic, and some, not so much so. Reflecting on these events has led me to some changes that need to be made in 2025.

How many of you make New Year's resolutions? Or reflect on the past year and then set new goals? My birthday is in June, so I do this on New Year's Eve and then do another six-month check to see where I am. Am I progressing? Am I reaching my goals? Just kind of a gut check and a way to recalibrate what's going on.

I find it amazing how much we forget about the past year, how much we've grown, how much we've endured, and how much we have to be grateful for. Time is funny like that. There are these weird gaps in time unless you sit down and really think about what's happened. And if you journal, which is awesome, by the way, I think it's very, very helpful. You have the ability to go back and really, truly reflect on what's happened in the past. 

This year, as I reflected on 2024, I realized it was a tough year, and it did not look like anything that I thought it would have looked like when I was planning my goals in 2023. 

I missed the mark on many of my goals. I rolled into 2024 thinking it would be the best year ever, and I was going to be in the best shape of my life because, in 2024, I was turning 50 years old. That's right, 50, and I wanted to make it awesome. Just a couple of months into 2024, I suffered a knee injury and recently had surgery for that.

The injury grounded me for much longer than I thought, not only from just basic things in my life but also from my career, from flying. During that time, I thought I would have completed much more than I did and I got very stressed about not getting check marks in the boxes I wanted to.

For the last several months, I was irritated more often at others and felt overwhelmed. It wasn't all due to the pain and discomfort from my knee, either. I was disappointed that I could not run or even work out to the degree I used to because exercise has always been a type of medicine for me. My entire routine and what I knew about stress relieving was gone, and I had to regroup.

I wasn't always successful at it. I felt like I had no control over my life at times, and some of the important things were getting put on the back burner and then when there was time to do them, I felt so unmotivated that I got more frustrated, and I was on this weird hamster wheel. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was wrong.

Why did I feel like a victim, and my personal compass was off? I mean, after all, I'm the one who encourages others, and somehow, I was struggling, and it was confusing me. Here I was, trying to get myself unstuck in important areas of my life. I felt like I was just spinning my wheels, and saying yes to others as often as possible felt like it was the right thing to do because so many people that I loved were going through trying experiences. When I said yes to myself, I felt selfish and guilty. To a certain degree, I began resenting others because they drained me of my energy, and I didn't have much left for myself.

I was cramming my life into the leftover time, and that was not working, not for myself and not for other people. I was letting myself down. One day, I stumbled upon a Mel Robbins quote, and she said "Nobody owes you anything, but you owe yourself everything". A lightbulb went off. Boundaries. I had been living a split life. I was living life in one way, and I was feeling different inside, and it was taking a toll. 

So that brought me to boundaries. What is a boundary? Boundaries and personal space are really important for leading a happy and balanced life. Think of personal boundaries as the limits and guidelines you create for yourself in your relationships.

The way you interact with others. Boundaries help you understand what feels good for you and what just doesn't sit right. When you have healthy boundaries, you keep your sense of self intact, and you look after your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. 

This isn't just about self-respect. It's really about a form of self-care. It allows you to build fulfilling relationships while paying attention and honoring your needs and values because without clear boundaries, you might feel burnt out, resentful, like I felt, or taken for granted. The key is to find that sweet spot. Not to build walls that shut others out but to create a bridge to a better life, a space where you can truly be who you are and thrive.

Your journey is about discovering yourself and communicating with those around you. Some examples of personal boundaries, sharing personal information. It's how much information about your personal life you want to share and with whom. I wrote a book and disclosed a lot of information. A lot of personal, private information and I shared that information for a reason. And that was to inspire, encourage, and motivate others. It made me feel like all of those terrible experiences that I went through weren't. Wasted. You know, I wanted to turn them into some type of positive for someone else. If I could just encourage one person, that kept me moving forward and that's why I did it. So I had a clear outcome and the reason that I wanted to do it. And if you have an outcome and a reason, then that's okay. But when you sort of get railroaded, or you feel uncomfortable sharing information because somebody asks you a question that you're really not comfortable answering, but you feel obligated to, that's where we struggle with boundaries.

For instance, money. Sometimes, it's just out of line for someone to ask you how much you make a year, how much something costs, or how much are you paying for whatever it is. It’s up to you to place the boundary, and it's perfectly okay to keep some things quiet. 

Another example of a personal boundary is time and energy management, setting limits on how much time and energy you're willing to give to others, because you don't want to spread yourself too thin.

Personally,  I set a one-hour limit for a lot of things that I do. And if I choose to extend it, I extend it. And if not, I have a hard stop without feeling guilty. Rather, that's going out to dinner or going to a party, whatever it is. For me, it's one hour long. 

Another example would be clear communication. Being open about your needs and preferences with others helps everyone stay on the same page. You deserve to be heard. If you need help with something, ask or express it. And I will admit I'm not always the best at doing that, but I try. There's no shame in asking for help. And there's also no shame in expressing your preferences. Something as simple as someone asking, do you want chicken for dinner? Nope, you don't want it? Then, say it and offer up a different suggestion. Don't just sit there and eat the chicken and be pissed about it. Have a conversation. If you don't speak up, no one knows. The other person is not a mind reader.

Another example of a personal boundary is the power of no. If you learn to say no when necessary. It is crucial because it's taking care of yourself and your priorities. Did you not want that dessert because you're being more health aware, but you ate it anyway? Well, just say no thank you. Don't eat the dessert.

And then have a negative consequence because you did not stick to your boundaries because you didn't want to hurt somebody's feelings. Don't hold on to guilt. Your priorities are important. 

Privacy and independence are also essential in order to carve out your space and make your own choices, and that helps you stay true to who you are, even in relationships.

Every single person has a set of beliefs and values. It's your job to pay attention to yours and respect your own values and beliefs. Everyone is not the same because each experience someone has had in life shapes their values and beliefs, and we're all different because we all have different life experiences and we're all on a different journey.

You are unique, so keep it that way and let others be who they are, too. Some people will not like your boundaries, of course, and they will push back. Do not let that prevent you from establishing. And honoring your values and establishing your boundaries. I felt that you can't get mad at others. If they don't know your boundaries, they don't automatically know if you haven't told them, or it may be more painful to admit if you don't even know your own boundaries; sometimes, considering other people's feelings before your own can be a detriment to your own. So please consider your feelings. 

In the book titled The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban, she states that clear is kind, so being clear is kind. Discover why you're saying no in the first place. Saying no to one thing means saying yes to something else and what's really important to you and why. 

We've discussed this in previous episodes where it's important to know your why and what you're doing because it gives you a foundation. It gives you legs to stand on. When you know your needs and values, it moves you toward  your goal. Every single action you take either moves you towards a goal or away from the goal.

It's important that you know what your action means and what the consequences are. When you know your why, it gives you the strength to follow through with your no. And by saying no, it's not against something; it's a yes for something else. It's just like when you let something go out of your life that is no longer serving you; you create space to allow something else to come in. When you're clear about your intention, and you let the no flow naturally from the yes and "no," it doesn't become an attack. What you're doing is you're protecting your interest, and you're not trying to harm the other person. So if you feel that way, you feel, and you understand that you're not attacking someone else's feelings, it's easier to say no.

Why are other people's things more important than your own? Don't you matter, too? I'll give you an example. When I'm flying, and I'm out on a trip. Sometimes I'll go for a run. Well, I used to go for a run before I injured my knee, but, uh, or a walk. So, if I want to go out just to clear my head after a day of flying, I want to de-stress and get reconnected. Many times on the trips, the other pilot and sometimes the flight attendant asked to go with me, and I would feel guilty saying no to them, but I really needed the time to unwind.

Besides, I would think we just spent hours sitting next to each other on the flight deck. I could really use some personal time. I needed some me time, but then I felt guilty about me needing me time. And I would start feeling agitated and overloaded. I realized that that's a sign that I need to set a clear boundary for myself and for the other person.

I mean, maybe I was just depleted. I was really looking forward to the run and the alone time, and when this person approached me, I felt guilty that I was not going to be able to please them. It just made me feel icky inside because I wasn't clear on my boundaries or my outcome. I also put myself first because it's okay to say no.

We can consider the other person's feelings, but we don't have to feel guilty because we're not able to please them. This is where clear is kind comes into play. I'm honoring my values and, taking time for myself and communicating with them. Instead of making up an excuse or just going along with them, coming with me and not meeting my needs but meeting theirs, I can be clear and kind.

I could say something like, I appreciate you asking, but I was looking forward to this time to clear my head. Maybe some other time. And that's it. No more explanation is needed. 

When you hear your inner voice, it's time to set some boundaries. And remember, every boundary you set must be enforceable. Keep in mind, I cannot stress this enough: your needs matter. The consequences of not setting boundaries can be pretty severe, but more importantly, they affect your health because poor mental health often leads to poor physical health. And then you have that split life feeling. You know, the one where you go on living life in one way but feel different inside. That all takes a toll. 

So, what are some ways that you can assess your personal boundaries? 

Well, you can ask yourself some better questions, such as, am I doing things out of obligation rather than a genuine desire? Are there activities or commitments I've taken on that don't truly align with my values and priorities? Do I feel drained, resentful, or overwhelmed after interactions with certain people? Am I giving more than I'm comfortable with in those relationships? Am I neglecting my own self-care or personal time in order to meet the demands of others? And have I been putting everyone else's needs before my own? Have I been compromising my principles or doing things against my moral code to keep the peace or to avoid conflict? Am I allowing others to disrespect my time, space, or boundaries without speaking up? And do I feel powerless to enforce my limits? Have I been bottling my true feelings and needs instead of communicating them openly and honestly because I'm afraid of the consequences and setting boundaries?

This last one that I just mentioned, if you think about it, if you are afraid of the consequences of setting boundaries, for instance, having a difficult conversation. If the behavior continues, which is uncomfortable, and having a conversation is uncomfortable, it's hard to decide which you would rather do.

But if you don't have the conversation and set boundaries, then the behavior is going to continue. But if you have the conversation, perhaps the behavior will be modified or changed because you're communicating your needs effectively. So you at least have a chance of making a change and making your quality of life better if you have a difficult conversation.

But if you just clam up and don't say anything, odds are the behavior that's causing you stress will never change. So keep that in mind. 

When you say no and set boundaries, you can change your entire life. The book Say No, Set Boundaries. with Natalina Pieria. I believe that's how you pronounce her last name.

She gives some examples of some things that you can do to just say no and not feel guilty about it. Some of those suggestions are delegating tasks when you have too much on your plate. You can list things out and prioritize them. What things have to be done right now? When we keep things in our minds, we think everything is an emergency, and everything has to be addressed right now.

But when you get out of that loop in your head, the words and even the tasks that you need to do lose a little bit of meaning once they're written down on paper. And I find that very, very helpful. You can chunk things out in order of what is important versus what's urgent. I struggled with what was important versus what was urgent for years in my life.And sometimes I fall back to it and I have to kind of take a moment and refresh how to deal with that. Many times, I would. I have a visualization where I think about when I feel overwhelmed; there's just like all these boxes, like the FedEx or UPS delivery person was just dumping all these boxes on my front porch, and everything felt like it had to be open, and it had to be dealt with.

In my mind, what I do is I just take tasks and I just literally have them separated, like put these boxes into lanes, so to speak. That's like, This is urgent and important. And then there's another box for, Oh, maybe I'll get to that. Like, that's the fun stuff, and I'll make space for that, but it's not an immediate concern because it's very easy to get overwhelmed. What's not overwhelming is talking about the benefits of setting boundaries.

First of all, it protects your mental health. Reduces stress, anxiety, and feelings of being overwhelmed. Your self esteem should also improve because you'll feel better about yourself because you value your own needs and your limits. It'll help your relationships because you're not going to be so stressed, anxious, and resentful.

You're going to feel better, and you're going to be able to have a mutual respect and understanding of the other person and how they have personal boundaries, too. It also prevents burnout, and it supports your physical health. You'll be more productive. If you create a clear separation between your work and personal life, I bet you will be able to do more than you thought possible, and you can focus on things that are priorities without unnecessary distractions. 

And it cultivates being authentic. It allows you to live in alignment with your true self. Sometimes, we get off course. I get off course. At the beginning of this episode, I just mentioned that I felt off course for a while, and I could not identify it. 

What's important to realize is that when you are off course, you make a course correction, and you get back on track. When you are aligned with your values and beliefs, it's incredible to see how everything else in your life falls into place. Despite what someone else may think or do or say, the thing that is most important is the way that you respond to it.

So please, set some personal boundaries. It's the new year! There's no time like the present. I'll link in the mention section of the podcast some suggestions and some ways that you can find your beliefs are and what your values are, and how to set some boundaries. 

Next week's episode, which is 13, Overcoming the Tendency to Settle, may also help you set some personal boundaries. What we're talking about is raising the bar. And who doesn't want to raise their standards? 

So, until then, feel free to send me a message and use the description page link. I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to connect with me on social media. It's a wonderful opportunity for me to learn about your fears, whether you're facing them or overcoming them.

Check out links and resources in the mention section and consider subscribing and sharing. Thank you again for joining me, and until next week, keep reaching for the sky and never settle for less than you can be. Take care, everyone, and Happy New Year.