Episode 13 - Living Authentically: Why It’s Time to Stop Settling

In episode 13 of Life After Fear: Redefine Your Limits with Courtney Schoch, we explore the concept of settling and its impact on our lives. Courtney challenges us to consider whether we have high standards or are merely coasting through life. The episode discusses the psychological, emotional, and practical reasons behind settling, including fear of the unknown, social expectations, and a lack of awareness.

Courtney emphasizes the importance of stepping out of our comfort zones, raising our standards, and making decisions that align with our true selves. She also addresses the potential downsides of striving for personal growth, such as losing friends or being misunderstood. Ultimately, the episode encourages us to embrace discomfort, aim higher, and take actionable steps toward living a fulfilling and authentic life.

MENTIONS & RESOURCES

Exploring Therapy - One Question to Ask Yourself To Avoid Regrets

Tony Robbins 

Learn more about your host Courtney Schoch

Transcript

Courtney: Hello everyone. Welcome to episode 13 of Life After Fear, Redefine Your Limits with Courtney Schoch. This is where you confront your fears and transform your life. I'm going to ask you a question, or actually a series of questions. Do you have high standards? 

Are you settling for less than what you can be? Are you just coasting through life, hoping that nothing major happens that's going to disrupt your comfort zone? Today, we're going to explore a topic that affects us all. It's about making a decision to settle in our lives. We're talking about it in a way that shapes our experiences, our decisions, our ambitions.

What exactly does it mean to settle? Well, it's when we resign ourselves to what we know does not really fulfill us, and it might consistently drain and limit us, but it's kind of a story that we tell ourselves that this is just the way it is, and nothing can change. It's just it is what it is. How many of you have heard that over and over and over again? I mean, I know I've said it a million times, but that's kind of a way of just settling for things to be mediocre or subpar.

And in some circumstances, it is correct. There's not a lot that you can do about it, but you can definitely change the way that you view it. But it doesn't mean to give up trying before you even try. And do you choose comfort over ambition, you know, being in a comfort zone gives you a sense of control.

It's almost like low-hanging fruit because when you have to climb higher, it makes you uncomfortable, and no one wants to feel uncomfortable. I understand the need for progress, though, and that getting outside of your comfort zone allows you the ability to grow is important because when you feel like you're not moving forward in life and you feel like you're in a bit of a rut, it's really discouraging and it takes a lot of energy and effort to even stay in that place, but it also takes energy and effort to get out of that place.

And in my opinion, progress equates to happiness. We're meant to grow emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. I believe that we're meant to do more than we think it's even possible. I believe that we're put on this earth for a reason and what that reason is, is different for everyone. What I do not believe is that we're put on this beautiful planet to be unfulfilled and have a basket full of regrets at the end of our lives.

Is life always going to be the way that we want it to be? Absolutely not. No way. But, I'm going to ask you, does it feel better to sit in the stands or be out in the arena, giving it all that you've got and living life on your terms? Because our standards govern everything that we do. The big question is whether we want to choose comfort or strive for more. 

Growth is where the magic happens. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable means that things are about to happen. So why do we settle so often? Usually boils down to a mix of psychological, emotional, and practical factors. One big one is the fear of the unknown Because, as we all know, change is scary, and settling gives that false sense of security. Change and uncertainty can be intimidating. But settling in and lowering our standards or just keeping them very average allows us to avoid risk and discomfort, even if it means sacrificing our own potential growth and happiness. Some other reasons that we settle could be the desire for stability. Everyone has a need for certainty in their life. Everyone craves a sense of stability and routine, which in turn provides some emotional security. This is  really true in relationships and careers.

Another reason that we settle is social expectations. Some of the cultural norms and pressures can push us to timelines that we don't necessarily agree on. Oh, you're 30 years old and not married, and you don't have children. Something must be wrong with you. Hmm. You're 25 years old, and you haven't bought a house. Something must be wrong with you. Oh my gosh, you're 19 years old, and you're in college, and you don't know exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life? Sucks to be you, or my favorite one is, Oh no, you're 50 years old. I might be a little too late for you to make major changes. Play it safe. Take it slow. All of these things are societal pressures and expectations that do not fit every single person.

Another reason why we settle is a lack of awareness. Sometimes, we settle because we don't realize that there are better options available to us. We don't even know how to pursue them. When I first started to learn how to fly, I didn't even know it was an option. I had no idea how to go about it. I stumbled all over the place trying to figure out a school. I thought that all pilots came from the military. I had no idea that there were civilian pilots. Sometimes, it's truly just a lack of knowledge that allows us to settle and not realize that just a couple steps further ahead or behind this perceived wall, there is a whole nother world. 

Another reason could be limited resources could be due to financial, emotional, or physical resources that make striving for something better impractical. It could force people to accept their current situation. You could also be emotionally fatigued. You know, the effort it takes to strive for better outcomes can be absolutely exhausting, and settling kind of provides a coping mechanism to avoid burnout. And then also your belief systems, everybody's values, upbringing, and belief systems are different, and that might lead to prioritizing happiness over ambition, and you see. Settling as, um, a virtue rather than a failure.  Sometimes, settling might bring some short-term comfort. But in the end, it could lead to long-term dissatisfaction. If you feel unfulfilled, the challenge lies in recognizing when you're settling, when it actually is aligning with genuine contentment or happiness versus from when it stems from fear or resignation.

When I was reading up on why people settle, I came across social proof, and in terms of the context of human evolution, it's in periods of uncertainty that we look at the masses to decide what to do to make a decision, and yes, it can save your life. For instance, if you see your tribe, you know, your community fleeing in a mass, then perhaps something's going on, a fire, a predator, some type of threat.

And yeah, it'll save your life and allow us to evolve. But when we unconsciously apply that to everyday life, and we watch what the masses are doing, and we Follow other people's leads as opposed to being authentic to our own. It's not always the most helpful thing that we can do because, nowadays, we have so many choices, and it's possible that many of them are not congruent with what we believe in.

It's about life in general and also what your values are and allowing you to raise your standards. I mean, watching the masses, what they're doing now rarely moves the needle in the direction that you want to go. Trying to be healthier,  what do you find when you drive down a major highway or down a street?

You see a lot of fast food restaurants. You see a lot of unhealthy billboards. You see, uh, what we discussed earlier of like the social pressures. I was driving down Interstate 95, I don't know, a month ago or something. I saw a sign for a barbecue place, and the tagline was, uh, rehab for vegetarians. Well, I mean, I guess it's, it's funny, but maybe not funny. It's just kind of slinging, you know, mud on people who just choose a different lifestyle. Some people take offense at it, and others just kind of shrug their shoulders. Everyone's got a different opinion on things. You really have to do what is congruent with you because if you seek out societal proof in our society to dictate your life that's not going to be very helpful, especially in terms of uncertainty. So don't do that. 

Some of the dangers of having low standards or settling create feelings of being unfulfilled; you feel like you're stagnated or you're missing opportunities. And all of these feelings kill motivation and self-worth.

It's hard to support other people when you can't even support yourself emotionally. In addition,  the missed opportunities or regrets are big. One way to be able to avoid feeling that way is you could consider your future self and you can ask your future self, how will this affect me?

Instead of spinning your wheels and worrying about all of the what-ifs, you could come from a different angle. You imagine yourself looking back at this moment. How does your future self view it? And that falls into adjusting our standards because life will throw curveballs at us. If you've ever had to reassess your priorities because something unexpected happened, I believe you're like every other person on this planet.

I've recently had to do it, on and off, for a year because of this knee injury. It has affected my life in a major way. It's affected every area of my life, and there are just some days I'm like, but wait, I set these goals to do X, Y, and Z, and I'm not. And then I push myself and push and push and push, but I overpush, and then I end up having more of a setback. Then I have to recalibrate again, and it's taken me even longer than if I would have just kind of adjusted my standards and realized that I have to shift a little bit in one direction and have the grace to do that so I can still hit the mark in other ways and other areas of my life. That isn't necessarily settling, that is just adjusting the standards and realigning and understanding that if I adjust my ambitions, I'm not necessarily sacrificing happiness. I have to just understand that things happen in life and that is perfectly okay.

But now we talked about the problems of lowering your standards or of having low standards. Some of the dangers of that. Now, what we can discuss is whether there are problems with leveling up to raise your standards. Well, of course, there are. I mean, there's always a ying and a yang. There are positives and negatives to things, and it's just the way that you handle them that makes all the difference, the way that you respond. 

In the past, we've talked about how most people become the sum of the five people that they surround themselves with. This could be family members or friends, just people who are close to you, but sometimes, when you raise your standards, when you decide you don't want to settle anymore, it can cause you to lose some friends and even family members because either they're going to rise up with you or they won't. Those who refuse to rise up to your standards eventually expect you to lower your own standards. They may legitimately not understand that your standards and their standards are different. But one thing is certain is that if you hang around others with lower standards than yours, you will eventually lower your standards because that's your environment.

That's what you're surrounded with, and most of the time, You become who you're surrounded with, so relationships, personal and professional, I've said it a million times: be mindful of who you're with and who you're around. If it's not a reciprocal relationship, then it might not be the healthiest relationship.

You may want to go back and visit the episode about toxic relationships. And, you know, for instance, even with this knee or some other things that have happened in life, I think who I called friends that I would reach out to, and I was always doing the reaching out, checking and seeing how they were, which I felt was part of what it meant to be a friend.

Then, I realized that these people weren't necessarily reciprocating. I was always the one putting in the effort. And when I got sick or things got rough in my life, there were very few people that stepped up and reached out to check on me. 

If I was killing it and doing my speaking engagements and releasing my book, I was introducing people to influential people or taking them to events things like that; they were right there by my side. Like all ready to be supportive but when life got real they weren't really there. And I eventually realized that I needed to level up, you know, raise my standards with who I was hanging out with, because these people were not really my friends.

They were kind of riding my coattails. And for me personally, that just wasn't okay. It was starting to impact me. In some ways, I felt like I was starting to lower my standards compared to theirs. 

Something else that could happen when you level up is the people who feel sorry for you. There are a lot of people that may now kind of villainize you; you'll become a villain in someone else's story. You know, they'll say, Oh, you're too big for your britches or, oh, you're too good for us now. You're selfish. And that's just someone who doesn't understand. I wouldn't be annoyed or irritated with them because they're just doing the best that they can. But those may be people that you want to move away from a little bit because they feel somewhat threatened by you, or they feel like they have a fear that you're going to be leaving them because you're moving away from them. It makes them feel uncomfortable . Perhaps they're stuck in their own comfort zone. Perhaps you could also be a role model and they might raise their standards too and move along with you and not villainize you, but I promise there will be at least one person who does. People want you to compromise on your standards because it makes them feel more comfortable. But if you're aware of this, you're less likely to fall into that trap or feel guilty. 

And one of the other problems of leveling up is you're going to have to give up your excuses. Yep, that's right. I get sick of hearing my own excuses, and sometimes, I wonder if I can even find new ones. Sometimes, I'm even amazed at the excuses that I come up with to not do something. But when you level up, you don't really get cheat days or days off. What you do in private is what you do in public. You are who you are. If you're gonna raise your standards, you can't be fake about it and just raise the standards to the outside world; you need to walk your own talk, whether you're in front of someone or in private. 

Some changes that you can make to help you raise the bar in your life is self-talk and this is something we have talked about over and over and over again. How many of you have had moments where you just beat yourself up inside?

The language we use shapes our reality, friends. Remember that wise little green guy in Star Wars? Yoda said, do or do not; there is no try. Isn't that powerful? Think about it. What if we were all committed fully instead of just half trying? 

Tony Robbins says that being good isn't good enough and that we should aim for greatness. So when someone asks you how you're feeling, instead of just saying, I'm feeling okay, or, you know, living the dream or some other kind of passive response. Perhaps you can change it to I'm feeling outstanding today. How are you? Really feel it inside of your body, like really, really embrace it and see if you feel a difference because How you respond to other people's questions ignites your body language, energy, and tone.

It just does something to you and is infectious to the person you're talking to. It can motivate and light a spark in them as well, so think about that. Think about the way that you just talk, even in your basic day-to-day life. Try to be more empowering to yourself and not beat yourself up so much and make the decision. Just make a decision. Making no decision is making a decision. So whether or not you think it's the right one or the wrong one, make a decision and move forward because we have the need for progress. If you don't feel like you're moving forward in life and you feel like you're stuck in a rut, you need to keep going forward, and that takes making a decision, not just staying in your head.

And step into the arena. I want you to actively engage in your life and play the game. Don't just sit on the sidelines like a spectator. Get out on the field and start playing the game of life. 

Here's something else -  be mindful if you're gravitating towards familiar situations, even when they're unhealthy. Settling can happen in relationships, careers, and our personal well-being. If you're aware of unhealthy behaviors, move away from them. We tend to gravitate towards familiar situations, even when they're unhealthy. Being mindful is key. So, let's challenge ourselves to embrace discomfort, aim higher, and strive for the life that we really want. 

What is one action today that's going to move you toward the life that you want to live? To be the person that you want to be. Not to merely exist but to embrace. What's it going to take for you to be excited about your life and have the opportunity to make decisions? Stop waking up in the mornings, just barely getting by, just wondering, and just kind of daydreaming about the life that you could have.

Take action. Go do something. Make it happen. Because if you don't make it happen, no one else is going to make it happen, and you owe that to yourself. Using comfort as a checkpoint is a great tool to utilize in raising your standards.   

Thank you for joining me. Next week, tune in for a perfect episode. No, not really, but we are going to be discussing perfectionism. 

Until then, keep reaching for the sky and never settle for less than what you can be. Take care, everyone. See you soon.