Episode 16 - Embracing Loneliness: A Journey to Personal Growth and Deeper Connections

Episode 16 of 'Life After Fear' with Courtney Schoch focuses on the often unspoken fear of loneliness. Courtney explores various types of loneliness, such as emotional, social, situational, and existential, and discusses the pros and cons of these feelings. She provides strategies for dealing with loneliness, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection, taking small steps towards connection, joining communities, practicing gratitude, and seeking professional help if necessary. Courtney encourages viewers to transform loneliness into a source of strength and personal growth. The episode ends with a sneak peek at the next episode, focusing on tackling anxiety.

RESOURCES & MENTIONS

Brené Brown’s Work on Vulnerability and Loneliness

American Psychological Association - The Risks of Social Isolation

John Cacioppo’s Research on Loneliness Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection

Mindfulness Resources - Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley

Mental Health Organizations  - Mental Health America 

Learn more about your host Courtney Schoch

Transcript

Courtney: Hello everyone. Welcome to episode 16 of Life After Fear: Redefine Your Limits with Courtney Schoch. This is where you confront your fears and transform your life. 

Wow! Episode 16. I cannot believe how quickly the time has flown. And I'm so happy that you've hung in there with me as I've been learning and sometimes stumbling, sometimes just not really knowing exactly what direction I'm going to go or what topic we're going to talk about. But you guys and gals have hung in with me for the duration and I am really, really appreciative. Thank you. 

So today, I want to talk about something that many of us fear but rarely admit. What do you think that that could be? Yep, it's loneliness. It's that feeling that can creep in during quiet moments or overwhelm us when we're surrounded by people.

But here's the thing: loneliness does not have to hold us back. In fact, it can be the beginning of something transformative. In this episode, we're going to unpack what loneliness really is. Explore the different types of loneliness, talk about its pros and cons, and most importantly, discover some ways to deal with it so we can turn it into a source of strength and not let it overwhelm us.

First off, let's start with the basics. What is loneliness? In my opinion, loneliness isn't about just being alone. It's the emotional discomfort we feel when our need for connection is not being met. It's that gap between the relationships we want and those we feel that we have. 

The truth is that loneliness does not discriminate. It can affect anyone, whether you're single or in a relationship, surrounded by people, or living alone. But here's something powerful to remember. Loneliness is a signal. It's not a permanent state. Think of it like an alarm clock. It wakes us up to the need for connection with others and for ourselves.

Knowing and understanding what type of loneliness you're experiencing can help you address it. In my research, I've discovered that there is more than one type of loneliness or one kind of loneliness.  

Here are a few examples:

Number one is emotional loneliness. This is the longing for a close, intimate connection, someone who truly gets you. This is a disturbing type of loneliness because you can feel alone even if you are with someone. Even if you're married, even if you're living with someone, even if you feel like you are close to someone, you can still feel like there is not an intimate connection with that person.  

Another type of loneliness is social loneliness. This comes from feeling like you don't belong to a group or a community. This can sometimes be described as the feeling that people feel when they don't belong in, I mean, for lack of a better word, a clique, you can have some social loneliness. 

The third type of loneliness is situational loneliness. This can occur during major life changes. Like moving to a new city, starting a new job, going to a new school, starting a new career, or even after a breakup. You're starting over. You're the new kid on the block.  You're not exactly sure how to navigate things. But maybe like one way to look at that is, is it really starting over or is it just adding to your story? It's just giving it more substance. But anytime there is a substantial change in your life, it's not uncommon to experience situational loneliness. 

Another type of loneliness is existential loneliness. This is the deeper feeling of disconnection from purpose or meaning in life. And that is one that sometimes you have to dig really deep to find your purpose.

Each type of loneliness feels different, but they all point toward growth. They're an opportunity to ask ourselves, what do I really need right now? 

And there are pros and cons of loneliness because let's get real. Loneliness can feel painful, but like most challenges, it does have two sides.

Some of the cons are loneliness can affect your mental and physical health, and prolonged or chronic loneliness is linked to anxiety, depression, and, in some studies, even weakened immune systems. And it can also create a cycle of withdrawal. The more isolated we feel, the harder it can be to reach out and ask for help.

Loneliness can also distort our way of thinking. We start to believe no one cares or that we're not worthy of connection and we're not good enough. Then that makes us feel even more isolated and more lonely. And sometimes it quiets the voice, like our ability to be able to articulate what we really need from others.

So it becomes part of that cycle of withdrawal as well because then it's combined with the distorted way of thinking. And we can find ourselves in a really bad place. 

But here's the flip side. There are some pros. Loneliness can be a teacher. It can force us to confront what we truly value and what's missing in our lives if we're honest with ourselves.

It can build resilience. Learning to sit with discomfort and grow from it will make us stronger. And loneliness offers a chance for self-discovery in those quiet moments. We can often figure out who we really are and what we want from this amazing life. 

You know, there are some ways that we need to deal with loneliness, too, because we don't want to be in loneliness all the time. No one wants to sit in loneliness all the time; at least, I don't think that many people do. 

So, how do we move through loneliness without allowing it to consume us? Here are some strategies that I use. 

You can use moments of solitude to reflect on your values, dreams, and passions. What is important to you? You can use the moments to journal, you can meditate, or the really uncomfortable one is to simply sit in the stillness. I had a, uh, counselor once who I spoke to years and years ago, and she suggested doing something as simple as lighting a candle and watching the flame and feeling the loneliness and just sitting with it instead of running away from it.

Maybe it won't be as fearful as you initially think it's going to be in your brain. I tried it, and it's true. It really isn't as terrible as my mind thought it was going to be. This helped me, and I even mentioned in my book that I was running around doing so much and trying to stay busy and master all types of different things because I really didn't want to give myself time to think about things I just didn't want to think about. I had to stay busy. 

So being able to have the mindfulness to sit in the loneliness and really feel what you're feeling. And realize that it's like a storm, and it'll pass. It's not a permanent state, but it was very, very helpful. That was some very good advice that I was given several years ago. 

Another strategy is to take some small steps toward connection. You can reach out to a friend or a family member, even if it's just a text or a call. Some small actions can lead to really big changes. I have been guilty in the past. I don't know if guilty is the right word, but I have thought this in the past. I thought, well, they aren’t reaching out to me, so I’m not going to reach out to them. Well, sometimes you just take action and reach out to someone. If you're thinking about them, just send them a text and just say, Hey, just thinking about you. Or, Hi, would you like to catch up sometime? Just do something like that. 

Another thing you could do is join a community. You could find a group or some type of activity that aligns with your interest, a book club or a running club, organizing some type of walking group, or volunteering for an organization. Being part of something bigger than yourself can ease the feeling of social loneliness.

Another strategy is gratitude. Focus on the connections that you do have, no matter how small they are, being grateful shifts your perspective from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. That small shift can make all the difference in the world. 

Something else that you can do, you can ask for help. If loneliness feels overwhelming, don't be afraid to seek support. We've all felt lonely, and at some point in our lives, we're going to feel lonely again. So don't be afraid to seek support. A counselor or a therapist can provide tools that can help you navigate through whatever it is that you're dealing with.

Loneliness is not a weakness, it's a signal to act, to grow, and to connect. Facing this fear is a brave step towards redefining your limits. 

This week, I challenge you to take one small step, whether it's reaching out to someone, Joining a new group, or simply sitting with yourself and reflecting on what you need.

You are never truly alone. The power to transform loneliness into strength is within you. I want to leave you with this thought. Loneliness is not permanent, and it does not define you. It's a part of life, but it's also a part of the journey towards connection and growth. So please remember that. 

Before I leave you today, I want to give you a sneak peek into next week's episode.

Have you ever felt like anxiety is a constant companion? It whispers all the reasons you can't, you shouldn't, or tells you that you won't succeed. Well, in the next episode, we tackle anxiety head-on. We'll explore what anxiety is, why it shows up, and, most importantly, how to stop letting it run the show.

I'm going to share some practical tools for calming your mind, regaining control, and turning anxiety into fuel instead of a roadblock. So, if you've ever felt overwhelmed by fear or self-doubt, you won't want to miss next week's episode. We'll face anxiety together and prove that it does not define you.

It's just one more fear you can overcome. So, thank you for joining me today as we explored ways to face fear, embrace growth, and push past our limits. The journey is not about perfection. It's about progress and showing up for yourself, even when it's hard. I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to send me a message or connect on social media using the links in the description.

Share your stories, fears, and celebrations. I'm here to support you every step of the way. Remember to check out the resources and links mentioned in this episode. If you found today's message valuable, consider subscribing and sharing it with someone who might need it. As always, keep reaching for the sky and never settle for less than what you can be.

Take care, everyone, and I'll see you next week.