Episode 18 - Afraid to Win? When Success Feels Scarier Than Failure

In episode 18 of 'Life After Fear: Redefine Your Limits' with Courtney Schoch, the discussion revolves around the often-overlooked fear of success. Courtney examines why individuals fear success, addressing concepts such as the upper limit problem, self-sabotage, and imposter syndrome. She suggests strategies and actions that can be taken to overcome the fear of success. 

MENTIONS & RESOURCES 

The Big Leap - G. Hendricks

Toward a Theory of Achievement-Related Conflicts in Women. Journal of Social Issues - M.S. Horner

Daring Greatly - B. Brown

The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice -Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A.

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success - Dweck, C.

Learn more about your host Courtney Schoch

Transcript

Courtney: Welcome back, everyone, to episode 18 of Life After Fear. Redefine your limits with Courtney Schoch. This is where you confront your fears and transform your life. Today, we're addressing a fear that's not often discussed but impacts many: the fear of success. You may think, why would I fear something I genuinely desire?

However, success brings consequences, greater pressure, and increased expectations of yourself. There are shifts in relationships and, of course, venturing into the unknown. In his book, The Big Leap, Dr. Gay Hendricks describes this as the upper limit problem, where we subconsciously hold ourselves back from success because it feels unfamiliar or undeserved.

But today, we're going to explore what this fear looks like, why it happens, the pros and cons of this fear of success, and how to overcome it. 

Let's talk about what exactly the fear of success is. Psychologist Dr. Matina Horner was among the first to research this concept in the 1970s. Her studies found that many people associate success with negative consequences, such as feeling lonely, being rejected, or having added pressure and stress.

This fear can show up as self-sabotage. You're doing well, and then suddenly, you procrastinate or make a mistake that sets you back. How many of you have done that? And then you think, why in the world did I do that? I feel like I sabotaged myself. 

Another thing that could happen is to avoid opportunities. You say no to promotions, public speaking, and business ideas because of what they might lead to. It feels scary. 

Feeling unworthy. How many of you think sometimes, who am I to be successful? Or, what if I can't maintain this? Or think I'm not worthy of success. 

And then there's a fear of outgrowing people. You worry that your friends or family won't support you if you reach new heights, and you may feel like you're leaving them behind.

What's the truth? Well, the truth is that this fear isn't about success itself. It's just about the changes that come with it. That is simply a fear of change, and I say simply, but if we can chunk it down and identify what it is we're really afraid of, then we can conquer our fear and be successful if that's what we choose to do.

So why does this fear of success exist? Well, psychologists suggest a few key reasons. 

One, the fear of change. Success disrupts what we know and what we're comfortable with. Dr. Heidi Grant Halverson says that people naturally resist change, even positive change, because the brain prefers predictability.

The second reason that we could fear success is because of increased expectations. With success, there are more responsibilities. Studies show that many high achievers experience a form of imposter syndrome. I am very familiar with imposter syndrome. I experience this frequently. Sometimes, I still do because more is expected of me.

And if I let the part of my mind show me everything that's wrong and everything that could go wrong, I start to feel like I'm not belonging where I am despite having done the hard work passing the tests. You know, showing up, going to the next level. Working your way out of that syndrome is important because it can create problems and prevent you from succeeding.

Number three is fear of judgment. One of my favorites, Dr. Brene Brown, highlights that vulnerability plays a role. Success makes us visible, and visibility can bring criticism. 

Another reason is a loss of identity. If you've always identified as someone struggling or trying or a victim, the actual success can make you feel lost.

It can confuse your sense of identity because we cling to our identity so strongly that sometimes we will do things that are not beneficial just to hold on to that identity. 

And number five, you fear people will only like you for your success and not for you. This is something that I have struggled with.  

On a side note, you know, some people who are in the public eye. They can have a fear of success, um, just because of not only the visibility of being criticized but also the lack of privacy. I have experienced this personally in the past, and it actually allowed it to cause a bit of a retreat. From the public eye only because many people do not know boundaries, and it can be uncomfortable for someone who is in the public eye to have people show up at your door to send you very personal messages. It's unnerving.

I've even had a couple of stalkers in the past. The best way that someone described this to me when I explained that it to them in regard to my own personal situation is I am so open and transparent with many things in my life and in my past because that's what I have to be in order to get my message out. In order to inspire and encourage others to move past fear.

When I wrote my book, or when I go out and do public speaking, because I am so open, someone explained to me that they feel very connected to me, like they're my friend. And so they feel like they just know me. So they feel like they can come at me very personally, uh, in, in a way like sending me messages or finding out where I live and just showing up or sending me flowers.

I've had some people just drop food off at my door, um, or, or little gift baskets. Foe many of them, it's very innocent, or many of the actions are very innocent, but on my side, it sometimes feels a little bit intrusive. However, if I just remember that - many of the people that their intent is good.

They have very, very good intentions. Um, because they feel like they know me so well, and they just want to give me some love. But for the couple that they do not, their intentions are not great. It can be very scary. So, in the past, I have been spooked, and it has held me back from a little bit of success.

However, that is something that I'm currently working on because I know that if I want to inspire others to be more, do more, raise the bar, and live the best life that they can, I have to be able to face this and realize that this is part of success. 

So what is the key takeaway for all the reasons? I'm going to be talking about why I think that fear of success exists. Well, the fear of success is just deeply rooted in the unknown. But staying where you are just to avoid discomfort is really the biggest risk of all. And like any other fear, this one has both pros and cons. So, let's break it down. 

Pros  - it keeps you humble. You will not take success for granted. It encourages preparation. You think about the long-term consequences of your decisions. For me, being prepared prevents panic. And when I am prepared, I feel awesome. And part of my makeup is going that extra mile. So when I am prepared and I go that extra mile, that is the recipe for success for me. 

Also, it forces self-reflection. That's another pro. You evaluate what kind of success truly aligns with your values. 

But on the flip side, there are some cons also. It can lead to missed opportunities and can hold you back from applying for jobs, getting a promotion or accepting a promotion, pursuing dreams, or stepping up in your career. It can also lower your self-confidence.

Fear convinces you that you're not ready or not good enough yet. And that can go on forever. It strains relationships either because you hesitate to grow or because success shifts how people see you. 

So what's the solution? How do we push past this fear and confidently step into success? The good news is that you can overcome this fear.

So, let's talk about strategy. We've got five strategies that we're going to discuss. 

The first one is simply to recognize the fear. Awareness is the first step. In The Feel the Fear and Fo it Anyway, Dr. Susan Jeffers says that naming the fear reduces its power. Acknowledge it without any judgment. Just accept that it's there and just say, okay, I see you. Don't let it sit in the driver's seat. 

The next strategy is to redefine success on your own terms. Success doesn't have to mean burnout, pressure, or even losing yourself. Research indicates that viewing success as a journey rather than an endpoint will diminish fear. 

A third strategy is to shift your mindset. Instead of asking What if I fail or What if I can't handle the stress, change your questions. I am big, big, big on that, and I reference that as a turning point, a strategy that I used in my life, and I continue to use it to make things happen, move past fear, and really embrace change. Ask better questions.

When you shift your mindset, perhaps you could ask questions such as, what if I succeed and it improves my life? How is this going to make my life better? What are all the things that can go right? And ask yourself, what if success actually aligns with me more, more with my purpose? Try asking yourself those questions. 

A fourth strategy is to take one small step towards success. Dr. BJ Fogg he is the author of Tiny Habits. He suggests that small steps will build momentum. Start with a tiny action. Every single step and every single decision that you make should either. Well, it can either be moving you toward your goals or away from your goals.

So, keep that in mind. And the tiny step that you can take is accept a compliment instead of brushing it off. Instead of saying, Oh, well, " say, Thank you. I appreciate that" if someone gives you a compliment. You can say yes to an opportunity you'd normally hesitate on. Just say yes, sometimes set a goal and take one action towards a daily.

Imagine if you got better by 1 percent every single day. If that was your only goal every day, you're just going to be 1 percent better than the day before. Think of how much of a difference that would make in six months or a year. And even if it's not 1%, what if it was only half a percent? Those small shifts equal big changes.

Finally, the fifth strategy is to prepare for the changes that come with success. Build a support system of people who uplift you, set boundaries to maintain balance, and remind yourself that you are allowed to succeed without guilt. This one I struggle with too, and several people that I've spoken to within the last few weeks.

Not surprisingly, they also struggle with this. You may have a family member; you may have a partner, you may have friends that are not as successful. Maybe they don't have, um, as many resources or as much money in the bank or whatever it is for whatever reason you feel like you are succeeding and the person that you care about or the person in your inner circle is not succeeding and you feel guilty, sometimes, you know, you might hold back telling them a story about your success or minimizing your success.

You don't need to do that. You are allowed to succeed without guilt, friends. Accept it. You're doing the hard work. You deserve it. If you work hard and you succeed, that is yours, and that is yours to celebrate. Do not feel guilty. And I'm saying this, not just for all of you, but also for myself too. Every successful person.

That you admire has faced this fear. Remember that. All of these fears. Every single person. But they did not let the fear stop them. And neither should you. Success is not something to fear. It's something to step into. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, and most likely, it will be uncomfortable at times. And yes, it's going to bring change, but that change is where growth purpose and impact begin.

I'm going to give you some exercises you can do in order to help you get beyond this fear of success. 

First, identify and rewrite your limiting beliefs. Write down one fear or negative thought you have about success. For instance, if I succeed, people will judge me, or I'm not ready for success yet.

Then, rewrite it. Transforming it into an empowering belief, such as success, will allow me to inspire others, or I will be capable and prepared for success. Why does this work? Because changing your mindset shifts your internal narrative. Remember that voice that talks in your head? You've got to have that voice be empowering.

It helps you see success as an opportunity rather than a threat. And we already talked about taking one small step toward success, and do that today. Choose one action that brings you closer to your goal. Rather, it is sending an email, making a phone call, or applying for an opportunity. Just do something, or just simply say yes instead of no.

And why does that work? Because fear thrives in inaction. Action creates confidence. So, do something to move you in the direction that you want to go. Even by taking a tiny step, you build momentum and prove to yourself that it is manageable. 

The third thing you can do is visualize your success and prepare for it. Spend five minutes sitting back in a comfortable, quiet place, and then you can write down one practical step you can take to handle the changes that success might bring. For instance, setting boundaries and improving your time management or who is going to be in your support circle? Why does visualization work? Well, it works because visualization primes your mind for success, and it will help you feel more prepared for the changes that come with it.

So my challenge, my friends, for you is to try one of these strategies. Take a step towards success, even if it scares you. Once again, it's simply applying for a new job, sharing your work, or simply allowing yourself to believe that you're worthy, that you're worthy of success. Just take a step. I think you are going to be surprised at how awesome you really are, and I'd love to hear about it.

This brings us to the end of episode 18 friends. So, please, if this episode resonated with you, let's continue the conversation. Connect with me on social media or send me a message. The links are in the description. And if you found value in today's message, consider subscribing and sharing it with someone who could benefit.

So until next time, keep reaching for the sky and never settle for less than what you can be. 

Take care, everyone. And I'll see you next time.