Episode 20 - Navigating Regret: Choices and Lessons Learned

Have you ever felt paralyzed by regret, questioning whether you made the right decision? In Episode 20 of 'Life After Fear,' Courtney explores the psychology of regret, explaining how our fear of losses often outweighs the joy of gains due to cognitive biases like loss aversion. While emphasizing the benefits of regret, such as its potential as a learning tool and motivator for change, the episode also addresses its challenges, including decision fatigue and emotional drain. Courtney offers actionable strategies: embrace good enough decisions, visualize your future self, practice self-compassion, and apply the 'What If-Then' method to navigate regret effectively. Take action today to reduce regret and build confidence.

MENTIONS & RESOURCES 

Dr. Daniel Kahneman

Learn more about your host Courtney Schoch

Transcript

Courtney Schoch: Welcome, everyone, to episode 20 of Life After Fear. Redefine Your Limits with Courtney Schoch, where you confront your fears and transform your life. 

Do these questions sound familiar? Did I do the right thing? Was that the right decision? Could I have done something differently? Should I have done that? 

How many of you have felt the tug of regret? A regret is that negative emotion that you experience after realizing a decision led to a less than desirable outcome. It's not what you anticipated.

Today, we're talking about regret and what we can do about it. What's great about it, what's not so great about it, and some ways to handle it. 

I'm sure that at some point, you've stayed frozen in indecision, worried that you'd make the wrong choice and then have to live with it, or looked back and thought about something that you didn't do, an opportunity that passed you by.

When we think about the fear of regret and how to understand it, first, we need to understand that psychologists describe the fear of regret as a cognitive bias that causes people to overestimate how bad they feel after making a mistake. Dr. Daniel Kahneman, a behavioral economist has demonstrated that our brains are wired to fear losses more than we enjoy gains.

Think about that for a second. We fear losses more than we enjoy the gains. That's a concept known as loss aversion. This intensifies our fear of regret. What's interesting is that research shows people tend to regret inaction in the long term, more than mistakes, while trying, just giving it a go.

We've discussed this before: how action creates confidence. Getting outside of our minds and doing something, not being frozen by our inability to make a decision, helps because until we make a decision, we don't know if it's the right decision or the wrong decision. Just make a decision!

So, let's dive into the positives and negatives of regret. We can break this down. 

Some positives, when managed effectively, regret can guide us to better decision-making in the future. We can use it as a learning tool. A little bit like when you're a child, and your parents told you not to touch the hot stove, eventually you learn that it's probably not a good decision to keep getting burnt by the hot stove. Same thing with decision making. If you manage it effectively, you can make better decisions in the future. It's also a motivator for change. Regret can push us to reflect and take action to avoid repeating certain mistakes. If an event, a situation, or a circumstance becomes painful enough, you'll make a decision, and you'll make a change.

Another positive is that regret can strengthen your values. It can reveal what truly matters to you by highlighting your shortcomings, and it can give you the opportunity to improve in various areas of your life and that gives us space to grow to make changes. 

With the positives, there are some challenges or some negatives. Everyone is familiar with paralysis by analysis, I'm sure. When you overanalyze possible outcomes, and that results in indecision and stagnation. There are so many decisions to be made these days, and decision fatigue is a real thing.

I mean, decision fatigue can increase the likelihood of regret because when you have impaired decision-making because you're fatigued, it can lead to choosing suboptimal options. I think about times when I'm flying, and I've flown a long trip. You know, maybe three or four days and four or five legs every day, and there are so many decisions to be made. I mean, just so many decisions in the course of one flight, not to mention five flights and times that by three or four days. I get home, or I get done with a trip, and when I'm driving home, I do not listen to the radio. It's silent. I do not want any decisions to be made.

If my husband asks me, "Hey, what do you want for dinner?" I'm incapable of making a decision for something as simple as dinner at that point; I just don't care. I've been asked so many questions that if I have to make another decision, I feel like I am just going to melt into a puddle. 

So, when you have decision fatigue, my suggestion would be is to be mindful. Wait until the next day, or just take a couple of hours and regroup before you make any type of decision that's going to impact your life or the life of someone else significantly. 

There's also avoidance behavior. This is another negative of regret. If you have a fear of regret, it can cause people to avoid taking risks altogether, which will limit growth and opportunities. Especially in the past, if you have taken chances and you end up with a series of regrets, you become more risk-averse, and it feels like it's just not worth it. How can you possibly handle another setback or another disappointment?

Another negative is emotional drain. When you reflect and think back on the past, regrets can lead to a level of anxiety, guilt, and possibly even depression, which then just fuels this cycle between avoidance, behavior paralysis by analysis, and emotional drain. 

But there are some takeaways to remember.

Regret is inevitable, but it's manageable. Everyone experiences regret at some point. It's part of the human experience. It's part of the journey; the key is how you respond to regret because action beats inaction in the long run. There are numerous studies that consistently show people regret missed opportunities more than the risk that didn't pan out.

And there's reflection, not rumination. Healthy reflection allows you to learn, while rumination keeps you in negativity; it's easy to loop this in your brain about why something didn't work out and what could go wrong—all the what-ifs.

There are three actions that you can take today to overcome the fear of regrets. 

You can embrace "good enough" decisions. Perfection is often unattainable. We've discussed this in previous episodes. Making a thoughtful, "good enough" choice is often the best path forward. You make decisions based on the information that you currently have. No one has a crystal ball, and no one can predict the future. At least, I don't think they can. I know I can't. So, going off of my experience, when I make a decision, it's important that my decision is based on the information that I have, and I weigh the probability of other scenarios and other factors that can play into my decision. But at the end of the day, if I make a decision, I have to be okay with a “good enough” decision and not focus on the absolute right decision. 

If there are multiple options, another thing that you can do is visualize your future self. You could consider what you will regret more in five years - doing this or not doing this? And that's up to each person individually, whatever choice that's in front of you, that's on your path. Are you gonna regret it in five years, 10 years, or maybe it's more short term, you know, next week or in six months? Only you can answer that question because it's your life, and you get to visualize your future self. Is this a decision that is going to move you toward your goal or away from it? And what would your future self say about this decision?

You can also practice self-compassion. Treat your past self like you would a friend. Forgive your mistakes, knowing that you made the best decision at the time. Perhaps some of you speak to your friends in a harsh way. 

I know that many of us probably speak to ourselves in a harsh way in our mind, but what if you spoke to yourself like you would speak to a friend?

What if you were more encouraging as opposed to being more harsh or being more destructive, or beating yourself down? Give it a try. I challenge you to try, just for three days, not to talk mean to yourself, to actually be kind. When you do see that you're being harsh with yourself. The clock resets. See how long it takes you to go three solid days without cutting yourself down.

How many times have you what if’d yourself? There is another sort of practice or action I like to put into place when I'm making decisions. I frequently forget about it, but then when I utilize it, I'm like, oh yeah, this is so helpful. So I've really been trying to use this almost on a daily basis. 

So if you say, what if you know, oh, what if I buy that car and it ends up being a piece of junk? What if I buy that car and I can't afford the payments? What if I buy that car and someone scratches the door? You know, what if and dot, dot, dot. I mean, you can go on and on and on. There's a method called the what-if-then method. If you say, what if I buy the car and someone dings the door, then you come up with a solution. Okay, what if I buy the car and someone dings the door? Then I have touchup paint that I've ordered from the dealership, and I'll put that touchup paint on the car. Or what if someone dings my door on my new car, and I have insurance? I'll take it, and I'll get it fixed.

You know, I mean, there are a lot of fill-in-the-blanks that you can use for this because for almost every, what if there's a solution, there's something that you can fix that what-if with? And if you can't, then that helps you make your decision. You know, for instance, what if I buy that car and the car payments are too much for me? I can't afford it?

Well, if you don't have one, then that says I'll work more and get a second job. If it's, I'm going to lose my house, or I won't be able to pay my mortgage; well, maybe you adjust your choice a little bit, and you end up getting a car that's less expensive or whatever it may be. But I have found that that method has been really helpful is for every, what if I come up with, then I find a solution.

So what if. Fill in the blank, then come up with a solution, and that helps me with my decision-making process.

I challenge you today to take action so you can avoid the fear of regret, or at least minimize it because your life is too awesome to be living in a state of regret or indecision. Take action today and build that confidence.

Thank you for listening to episode 20 of Life After Fear. If today's episode resonated with you, please share it with someone you know who has been indecisive, and if you have a story about overcoming regret, I'd love to hear from you, and let's continue the conversation. 

You can connect with me on social media or send a message. The links are in the description, and if you found value in today's message, consider subscribing and sharing this episode with someone who could benefit. 

Until next time, keep reaching for the sky and never settle for less than what you can be. Take care, everyone, and I'll see you next time.