Episode 21 - Don’t Get Too Happy: Why We Sabotage the Good Stuff

Why do so many of us pull back just when life gets good? Why does joy feel unsafe? In this episode, host Courtney Schoch touches on a surprisingly common topic but rarely talked about. It's an emotional block: the fear of happiness, also known as cherophobia. 

Courtney unpacks the hidden reasons we sabotage our own joy, from past trauma and cultural conditioning to fear of vulnerability and loss. Through a blend of storytelling, science, and strategies, she invites listeners to challenge the quiet voice that whispers, “Don’t get too happy—it won’t last.”

You’ll walk away with powerful mindset flips, real-life tools like “joy resilience,” and the encouragement to let happiness actually land—no guilt, no self-sabotage, just one brave breath at a time.

Recommended Podcasts & Talks

 - Unlocking Us with Brené Brown – Episode: “Joy is Unbearable. Why?”
 - Ten Percent Happier Podcast with Dan Harris
 - The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

Books & Tools

 - Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett
 - Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
 - Emotional Agility by Susan David
 - Apps: Insight Timer, Headspace, Calm
 - Practices: Savoring Walk, Gratitude Journaling

Mentions & References

1. Joshanloo, M. & Weijers, D. (2014). Aversion to Happiness Across Cultures: A Review of Where and Why People are Averse to Happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-013-9489-9

2. Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable.

3. Brené Brown (2010). The Power of Vulnerability. TED Talk & book (Daring Greatly).

4. Tara Brach (2020). Radical Compassion.

5. The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (2007).

Learn more about your host Courtney Schoch

Transcript

Courtney Schoch: Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Life After Fear—Redefine Your Limits with Courtney Schoch. Today, we're tackling a strange but very real fear: the fear of being happy. 

It sounds kind of backward, right? But it's more common than you think, and it can show up in sneaky ways, like sabotaging a good relationship, downplaying success, or bracing for disaster every time something good happens.

So today we're going to dig into why we fear happiness, what the cost is, and how we can learn to let it in. 

Did you know that there's a term for the fear of joy or the fear of happiness? It's called cheraphobia, and it's not about hating happiness. It's about feeling unsafe in it. People with this fear may avoid situations that bring joy or pleasure because they believe it'll be followed by pain, loss, disappointment, or possibly all three.

For instance, imagine if you got a promotion at work and instead of celebrating your promotion, you started to obsess with questions like, What if I fail? What if I can't keep up? What if people think I don't deserve it? 

Have you ever done that? 

A study in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology found that people associate happiness with vulnerability or loss in many instances, and believe that happiness might actually tempt fate.

As always, there are pros and cons to this fear. One of the cons is that you limit your ability to feel present and connected. 

Another one is you may push away love, success, and joy out of fear it won't last. 

The third one is chronic dissatisfaction, even when life is pretty good. Just think about it, some of the problems that you have, some people in the world wish that they had those problems. 

And there are pros. Well, sort of, it creates a sense of control. If you don't get too happy, you won't get disappointed. It's protective, especially if your past taught you that something bad always follows happiness. 

For example, what if you finally meet someone who treats you well, and it feels too good? You wonder, what's the catch? So you nitpick, you start to withdraw. You tell yourself it's too soon. It's too risky. Something must be wrong; before you know it, you're ghosting them or picking fights. Not because they did anything wrong, but because you're scared of what it means to be happy and to be vulnerable. 

But why are we afraid of being happy?

There are several reasons. You could have a fear of falling. For instance, if you tell yourself, "If I get too happy, the crash will hurt more". 

Then there's something called survivor's guilt. How can I enjoy my life when others are suffering, or you could be experiencing Imposter Syndrome? Do I even deserve this joy? And then past trauma.

If you've experienced abuse, loss, or instability, your nervous system might associate peace with danger. It waits for the other shoe to drop.

I have a friend, and she had planned a family vacation. It had been years since they had gone on the vacation, but instead of looking forward to it, she really started to spiral.

She kept thinking, what if something happens to the kids? What if the plane crashes? What if it's too expensive? Am I even being reasonable, or am I irresponsible for spending this money, taking time off work, and pulling the kids out of school for a few days? So, you know what she did?

She canceled it because the happiness felt unsafe, and it was too uncomfortable for her. 

I also know someone else who lives alone, and they have always wanted a pet. They're older, but they refuse to get a pet because they're afraid that eventually the pet will get sick and the pet will die so they just don't want to deal with all of that.  

I asked her about the pain that she's causing herself and denying herself, and even a pet, of a great experience. Like, what is she losing out on, and what is that little maybe kitty cat or dog losing out on? She's robbing herself of the experience of happiness. She didn't have an answer. It just felt too uncomfortable to venture into that space. It felt unsafe. 

There are ways we can overcome the fear of happiness caused by Cherophobia. 

First of all, name it. Be aware of it. Awareness is key. 

The second thing you can do is start small. Let yourself enjoy one moment each day—just one small moment—and embrace it. 

You can also challenge the narrative. Ask what could go right, ask better questions. 

These next two strategies are powerful and practical when it comes to overcoming the fear of happiness, the fear of joy. 

One strategy is - flip the fear. This means reframing fear-based thought into something more empowering, more curious, rather than catastrophic.

You're not denying the fear. You're choosing to question it and turn it inside out. You're choosing to minimize the power the fear has. 

This is how you can use it. 

Step one: Notice the fear-based thought.  

Step two: Ask yourself, what's the story I'm telling myself? 

And step three is flip it, turn it into a statement of trust or gratitude.

For instance, if I really let myself enjoy this relationship, I'll get hurt. Then flip the fear. You can rephrase it. Say to yourself, if I lean into this happiness, this joy, I give myself a chance to experience real connection, and I'm strong enough to handle whatever comes. The fear is that things are going too well and something bad is going to happen.

When you flip it, you can change that narrative. You can change the words. You know, things are going well because I've worked hard and I deserve peace. And if life throws me a curve ball, I'll deal with it when it happens, but not before, and let it ruin the moments I have now in front of me. It's not about toxic positivity, it's about training your brain. To realize that joy is a real thing. It does not have to be disastrous. 

Another strategy you can use is to practice joy resilience. Joy resilience is building that muscle that lets you stay present with good moments without immediately bracing for pain or loss. You don't run from happiness. You stretch into it. You kind of lean into it.

So, how do you use the practice of joy resilience? 

Well, step one, notice small moments of joy, a laugh, sunlight, a good cup of coffee, petting your cat, taking your dog for a walk. Your dog licking your face, I mean, something small. 

Step two: Stay with the feeling for just 10 seconds. Just 10 seconds, breathe into it. Really, really lean into that moment. Step three: Acknowledge the discomfort. Let your body learn. It's okay to feel good. You're trying to break a pattern, and it's going to be uncomfortable. So accept that just for 10 seconds and lean into it. 

An example could be that you're laughing with friends, and a voice in your head whispers, "This won't last." Instead of pulling away, you can pause and mentally say, "Right now, I feel happy." Take a deep breath and say to yourself, "I'm safe to feel this." And you can linger in the moment instead of numbing, minimizing, or brushing it off. 

Over time, this can teach your nervous system that joy is not a threat. It's part of a full, resilient, healthy life. Something else you can do is talk about it. You'd be surprised at how many people have this fear of happiness or fear of joy, how they think that as soon as they feel happiness, it’s just going to be swept away by something negative.

If you speak to somebody else about it, a friend, a therapist, a loved one, it's amazing how many other people are able to relate to this. 

And if all else fails, or you want to add to the strategies, here are two quick mantras to tell yourself. 

One for the flip the fear. You can say to yourself, “This joy is not a setup, it's a gift.”

For the joy resilience strategy, you can say to yourself, "I can feel good without needing to be prepared for the bad. I can feel good without needing to brace for bad." If you can just keep those quick mantras present, it will help so much. Even if you jot 'em down on a sticky note or put 'em on your phone as a screensaver, it will be so helpful to keep reinforcing that.

I started putting those mantras into place after a speaking engagement. I had a woman in the audience come up to me, and she told me that all she did after a terrible loss was cry. She would not let herself laugh during the grief because she was afraid that laughing meant she didn't care.

But over time, she realized that joy and sorrow can coexist. That joy doesn't betray the pain. It's honoring the fact that she was still alive, and she's still living. So you can have joy and sorrow coexist. It's part of life. Without having the downs in life, how would you ever know to experience the ups?

Allow yourself to experience both the highs and the lows in life. It's okay. 

So here's your challenge this week. Notice joy and let it land. When something good happens, take a breath. Let yourself feel it. No guilt, no fear. Just be present. No one is watching you. And if they are, who cares? Be happy.

Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the gift. I mean, do you look at someone when they're happy and smiling and think, oh, it's so much better looking when you're uptight, too stoic, and you just look miserable with little to no emotion. Or do you think to yourself, gee, I wish I could be smiling like that or laughing like that?

It's refreshing. Well, if you do think that way, what's stopping you? Because now you have some strategies you can practice, so you're not afraid to be happy. 

Alright, friends, that is the end of the episode. If this episode resonated with you, send it to someone who needs a reminder that joy isn't something we have to earn.

It's something we get to receive and appreciate, and it's yours for the taking. 

Thanks for listening to this episode. And remember, you're not alone. You're not broken. You're just learning how to let the laughter and happiness in. Until next time, keep reaching for the sky and never settle for less than what you can be.

Take care, everyone.