220 | Touching Down: Conquer Anxiety & Stop Helicopter Parenting

 Explore the deep connection between perfectionism, anxiety, and the all-too-common phenomenon of helicopter parenting. Tune in to learn how relentless hovering, micromanaging, and striving for flawlessness can actually undermine children’s resilience, independence, and self-esteem. 

Discover how recognizing and managing your own anxiety—and building up your confidence as an individual—can free you from the stress of needing to control every detail of your kids’ lives. By “landing the helicopter,” you’ll not only empower your children to thrive on their own terms but also rediscover who you are beyond motherhood.

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

Helicopter Mom
===

[00:00:00] Have you ever felt like you are constantly buzzing over your kids like a 24 7 surveillance drone? The helicopter parenting is often fueled by a cocktail of anxiety and fear that we're not doing enough. Join us as we unpack why our inner alarms keep going off, and how we can finally switch them off to embrace a more relaxed approach 

to parenting. Welcome to Moms Without Capes, the podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie Michalsky and my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom.

For the longest time, I just couldn't figure out how to get past the piles of dishes and the loads of laundry to do something that didn't revolve around my [00:01:00] family. I felt overwhelmed. and underappreciated. That is, until I started doing the work to move myself up on my own to do list and I began doing things that brought me joy and let me feel like I was an equal and worthy member of my family.

I discovered that this is the key to not losing myself in motherhood and over the years of raising half a dozen kiddos, I can confidently hang up my super mom cape and now I want to help you do the same. This is Moms Without Capes. Today, let's talk about putting that helicopter in the hangar and giving our kids and ourselves a little bit more breathing room.

Tune in as we dive into why we hover, the stress it brings, and how to gently land that helicopter for good. And towards the end, I'll share with you how you can get your hands on a brand new resource that will help you reclaim your sense of self beyond motherhood by lightening the mental and physical [00:02:00] loads you are carrying.

So don't go anywhere. Ready to land that helicopter? Let's go. Are you a helicopter parent? Maybe you don't even realize it yourself. Do you know helicopter parents?

When I say the term helicopter parent, does a certain person jump into your mind?We all know a helicopter parent or two. What exactly is it? Helicopter parenting means, parents closely oversee and manage nearly every aspect of their children's lives. Much like a helicopter. It typically involves excessive involvement in your kid's education, in their social life, in their daily activities, often to the extent of making decisions for them and solving their problems.

this inhibits the child's ability to develop independence and self reliance. We'll get a little bit into the negative effects that helicopter parenting has on children, but we are in a [00:03:00] group that focuses on us and who we are beyond motherhood. So we're going to mainly focus on the effect of helicopter parenting on us.

The effect and the causes of why do we do this, right? Why do we feel that we need to hover over our kids at all times? We have to constantly be. struggling with finding that happy medium, right?

Like we do too little or we do too much. Like we are constantly navigating that middle ground and helicopter parenting is one of those extremes. Of course, it's okay to be involved with your kids education and their social, life and trying to help them choose better friends and those kinds of things.

Of course, we're going to do that. That is part of parenting. But it's excessive over parenting that we have to watch out for, that we have to be on guard about. And so today, my goal is to help you just reflect on what's going on within you that [00:04:00] might be perpetuating the cycle of always having to overparent. Helicopter parenting can show up in academic over involvement where you're constantly checking your child's school portal. Frequently emailing your teacher and checking your child's progress and insisting on overly guiding homework and projects.

It's that parent that does the entire project for their kids so that they get an A or so that they get a good grade when the kid doesn't even realize what they're doing. doesn't even understand what the project is about. Helicopter parenting can come out when a parent closely monitors and manages your child's social interactions.

Now today's age of internet, have you read anxious generation? Has anyone read that? I love that book. , in fact, this morning my husband made a statement. I'm like, you have to read that book. I got it on audio and it was good. It's a nonfiction book, but it's all about why these generations are so anxious.

And it comes back to, the internet and being able to [00:05:00] monitor our kids access to different sites or different parts of the internet and Yes, it is required of us as parents to monitor our kids activities online and in person, of course another thing that was brought up was the scheduling of structured activities rather than just allowing a child to be bored and figure out what they're going to do with their time. But when you are orchestrating Playdates constantly intervening in the conflicts instead of letting your child navigate these on their own, selecting their sports, their clubs to attend to the practices, the games, pushing your child into activities that they might not genuinely enjoy. I have learned my lesson on this. I signed my kids up for quite a few activities and the second practice in they're crying and not wanting to do it.

letting the child guide you, and having autonomy when it comes to what [00:06:00] activities they're going to be in. Helicopter parenting can come out as restricting normal physical play or independence, avoiding playgrounds. Those of you from my generation, I'm dating myself, but like we had slides that you would burn your butt all the way down.

Or if you fell off the side, you just die. There was no guards nowadays, playgrounds are basically wrapped in bubble wrap and kids can't engage in the risk that they once were able to. Not that it's all bad, not that it's all good, but we want to find that middle ground Insisting on constant hand sanitizing being overly cautious about food choices beyond reasonable concerns now again that reasonable versus Unreasonable and today we're talking about that unreasonable Helicopter parenting for those of you with children on the other end of the spectrum not little kids that are playing on the playground But [00:07:00] perhaps college choices, making decisions about your kids colleges and career paths, filling out the applications, writing the essays, and even going as far as attending the job interviews with your kid or heavily influencing their major or job choice. This is all helicopter parenting.

So what triggers this? What are some of the triggers or what is at the root of helicopter parenting? Number one is anxiety. Parents driven by anxiety may fear for their children's safety, the success or their happiness. And it leads them to excessively control their children's environments and experiences to prevent failure or harm.

Feelings of uncertainty. I tell my kids all the time. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. This is my very first time parenting you, parenting ten year old, right? That is your personality. Yes, I've done it before. I've done it five other times. But this is the [00:08:00] first time I'm parenting you as who I am now because I am a different person now than I was when I was parenting my 24 year old when she was 10. These feelings of uncertainty can cause me to exert control and hold on because of that feeling of not having control. There's a natural inclination to grab on to what I can control, or what I think I can control. It leads to a compulsive need for control and super mom syndrome. Perfectionism. Involves projecting high standards and expectations onto our children. We tend to micromanage to ensure that everything is done perfectly or flawless. And this really stems from a fear of failure, like our own self worth because we fear [00:09:00] that our kids are going to fail or that we are failures as parents.

And so we strive for these unrealistic standards that only fuel our feelings of inadequacy. Low self esteem. Again, those feelings of inadequacy, the doubts of our own self worth, fear of judgment is another thing. Instagram, right? We're seeing a perfectly curated world, other people's worlds, windows of time in other people's worlds. And we start comparing whether consciously or unconsciously in our own mind.

And then we measure ourselves against that. We fear how others are going to see us. How? We are caught in this world where we let our kids out to play unstructured and we fear that CPS is going to be [00:10:00] called for neglect. We live in this world where there is that fear of how we're going to be judged by society as a whole.

We feel that people are watching, people are judging us and it prohibits us from just relaxing. And using our own intuition as a guide to parent our children, we can project these insecurities onto our kids through micromanaging. And it's only creating another generation of anxious peoples. I would be amiss if I did not mention past trauma being at the root of helicopter parenting. Now, this isn't always the case, of course, but it is a common trigger or cause for helicopter parenting. We may have unresolved issues from our own past [00:11:00] and we perhaps Overcompensate for what we felt was lacking in our own childhood.

So those are just some of the causes that could be at the root of helicopter parenting: anxiety, perfectionism, low self esteem, The fear of negative judgments, and past trauma , do you struggle with any of these? Just know that You are not alone. Many of the members here in this group do struggle with this.

I struggle with this stuff. And it can lead to over parenting. Sure, I might be slack, checking my kids grades. But I do engage in micromanaging. And I do try to exercise control. Because there are those moments of uncertainty. There is that feeling of inadequacy and questioning.

Am I doing this right? What are the negative effects of helicopter parenting? Today we are going to [00:12:00] focus Mainly on the effects of helicopter parenting on ourselves because this is for women finding themselves beyond motherhood not necessarily on parenting or on our children I do want to mention Some of the effects that helicopter parenting has on children.



Children under constant surveillance and intervention may feel perpetually anxious, fearing that they will make mistakes that disappoint their parents. They often grow up lacking problem solving skills because when parents intervene to solve many of their problems, they miss out on learning how to handle challenges independently.

And it also decreases their self esteem. Constant oversight can signal to children that they are not capable or trusted to make good decisions, and that undermines their self esteem and self worth. Long term, kids can become more dependent, they lack resiliency, and they face [00:13:00] societal challenges. They might face difficulties in social situations, lacking the social skills and emotional intelligence that they need to navigate relationships.

So those are just some of the effects that helicopter parenting has on kids. But what about us? What are the effects on our own mental health and well being?Managing every aspect of your kid's life can lead to significant stress and mental exhaustion.

Micromanaging, uses a lot of energy, a lot of our time that otherwise could be used in useful ways. It can lead us to feeling burnt out. Prolonged periods of helicopter parenting without adequate self care can lead to parental burnout, which is characterized by emotional distance, Irritability and fatigue, as well as many [00:14:00] other symptoms.

It can have a huge strain on your marriage or on your partner relationship. It can lead to conflicts with your spouse because they might have a different view on parenting. It can create tension and reduce the supportive dynamics needed for a healthy relationship It doesn't feel like they have a role. They feel like misplaced from that relationship. And then finally, which is a big one in here, loss of personal identity. Mothers may become so invested in their role as protectors and managers of their children's lives that they lose touch with their own interests and aspirations.

And this leads to dissatisfaction and of self. We. lose our personal identity when we are constantly engaged in helicopter parenting. 

So, I mentioned the [00:15:00] different things that are at the root of helicopter parenting. We talked about anxiety, perfectionism, the fear of negative judgment, low self esteem, past trauma. I want to talk about some of the, ways we can manage these. Some practical steps and strategies that will help you manage the anxiety, raise your self esteem, deal with the perfectionism, and just really improve your overall wellness. 

The first one is engaging in mindfulness and meditation. When we have a mental load that is so heavy with that running to do list constantly going on in our head, it's hard to be in the moment with what is going on right then and there. Practicing mindfulness is going to help you focus. It's going to help you clear the stress that's in your mind, that running to do list, [00:16:00] And allow you to reset your body, the cortisol, levels, and bring you to a place of calm.

Focused breathing, mindful walking, guided meditations, these are all examples of ways that you can reduce your overall anxiety level and improve your emotional regulation. When emotions are high, cognitions are low. And so we want to be able to bring those emotions down so that you can think clearly. So you're not coming from a place of fear.

but rather you're coming from a place where you are calm and collected. You may need to go to therapy. The stigma around therapy is definitely reducing these days, which I love, of course, as a therapist, but therapy can be an invaluable resource in your life.

It's effective in helping individuals change negative thought patterns that [00:17:00] fuel the anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy, in particular, is a modality that is so helpful with anxiety because it helps you learn how to challenge those negative thoughts that are fueling the anxiety.

Therapists can also provide tools for coping with stress and can guide you in understanding how your anxiety is impacting your parenting. Engaging in self care. Self care is so important and it's essential for managing your anxiety.

This can include physical activities like yoga or running, hobbies that can relax your mind, or simply ensuring adequate rest and nutrition. When you look after your own needs, you're better equipped to handle parenting challenges without becoming overwhelmed. But it's something that has to be done on a regular basis.

You can't be feeling completely anxious one day and say, you know what, I'm going to engage in self care today. No, it needs to become a habit and it needs to [00:18:00] become part of your regular routine. And that's the things that I like to work with clients about is helping you make self care just a normal part of your day.

techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation or deep breathing exercises need to be practiced daily to help manage your stress levels. They help in physically reducing the tension that anxiety builds within the body, promoting a common demeanor.

When you are stressed out, when you are experiencing anxiety, your body keeps the score. It feels it. It comes out in symptoms one way or another. And so learning how to relax in a way that is productive is going to reset your systems. Because helicopter parent is also fueled by low self esteem, here are some ways to improve your self esteem. One is setting some [00:19:00] achievable personal goals, some SMART goals. Identify your strengths and your interests and maybe it's just trying a new hobby.

Recently, I, discovered wood burning and I got into it. In fact, so much that today's my birthday and I asked for wood things for my birthday so that I could wood burn some things. I got a little tool kit and , I found that it's super relaxing. I'm still discovering if it's a strength or not.

It's definitely an interest, but I don't know. Maybe it's pursuing a new skill. Maybe it's returning to a hobby that you used to do. Maybe you were really into art or painting or drawing or something like that. Maybe it is pulling that out and trying it again, but you have to make the space for it in your life.

And when you are so busy helicopter parenting, it's difficult to carve out that space. [00:20:00] So it works in tandem. You have to be able to let go of the need. Manage the anxiety. Raise your self esteem to be able to carve out the space in order to make that space for yourself. Creating some smart goals for yourself.

Maybe you want to run a half marathon or something or maybe just a 5k., When are you going to do that? When are you going to train? What needs to be in place in order for you to make that goal? Celebrating successes. Reward yourself. What did you do today to reconnect with yourself that allowed you to become a better version of yourself than you were yesterday.

The way you talk to yourself matters. We need to learn how to quiet our inner mean girl and talk to ourselves with kindness. It's easier said than done, of course. But learning to recognize what are you saying to yourself and how can you challenge 

those thoughts. We're just not [00:21:00] looking at it. We're not paying attention. Engaging in self reflection and paying attention to what we're saying to ourselves and how we're talking to ourselves. Would what you're saying to yourself ever be said to a friend?

Would you ever say that in a million years to a friend? And the answer is probably no. And so catching yourself when you are talking to yourself out of kindness and using affirmations. . I just created a deck of moms without capes affirmation cards that you can hold in your hand They're super cute and they're specifically for moms and helping you learn that you are a equal and worthy member of your family

Using these kinds of affirmations is going to start shifting the way you think the words that you use to yourself that you say to yourself and they will start shifting the way you feel about yourself.

Engage in activities that reinforce that sense of competency and autonomy. Take a class, do a [00:22:00] workshop. 

Do some local classes. Take a knitting class at the local yarn shop. The library has free classes. Join the Y. There are things that you can do to personally, to grow yourself. Come to the Moms Without Capes book club.

We focus on books on personal development, mental health, and motherhood. It's a great way to grow yourself. Delegate and share responsibilities. In the context of parenting, delegating responsibilities is super important to do. But being able to share the load, share the responsibilities that come with parenting and raising a family and running a home and all of the things. as you learn to loosen the reins and land the helicopter, let's go with that metaphor, you've got to learn how to talk to your partner, how to talk to your kids in a way that's going to elicit their contribution [00:23:00] to what it takes to run the home. And then connecting with supportive communities. You are all members of moms without capes. Jump in, engage, be part of the group. We want to hear from you. We want you in the conversations. We want you at the events.

in today's episode, we have defined helicopter parenting, what triggers it, why and how it shows up. We've talked about the negative impact of over parenting on both our children and ourselves.

And I've also given you some practical steps and strategies to land the helicopter. 

I shared a lot with you. Hopefully you got some value out of some of the things that I shared, what is one thing that you're going to take away from today's episode? I have an awesome resource for you that I mentioned earlier, something that will help you on your way to [00:24:00] reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood.

Making space for self care, hobbies, and fun is impossible when you're carrying the full load of domestic labor. Having a to do list that runs a mile long and doing it all yourself can lead straight to burnout, and it can be devastating to your health and your relationships. I created a guide that will walk you through how to share the load.

It includes conversation starters, tips for managing expectations and practical strategies for redistributing household and child care tasks. Grab your guide today by visiting momswithoutcapes. com backslash share the load. Thanks for listening to this episode of the moms without capes podcast. As you learned from listening, helicopter parenting is fueled by anxiety and the fear of inadequacy.

we can give ourselves some breathing room by learning ways to manage our thoughts and by doing so we [00:25:00] can create space in our lives to reconnect with ourselves beyond motherhood. You are 100 percent responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot, slow down, check in with yourself, and please, above all, take care of yourself.

Because you, my friend, are worth it.