224 | The Hidden Pressures of Motherhood: 10 Unrealistic Expectations to Let Go Of

Take a deep dive into the unrealistic expectations society places on moms and how these pressures can lead to burnout, guilt, and feeling lost within motherhood. In this episode of Moms Without Capes, we uncover the top 10 harmful beliefs that supermoms often internalize, from the idea that moms should never need a break to the pressure of maintaining a perfect home. You will learn actionable strategies to let go of these unrealistic standards and redefine what it means to be a "good mom" while reclaiming their sense of self. Tune in to discover how to create more balance, joy, and fulfillment in your life as a mom.

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

Unrealistic Expectations
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[00:00:00] Do you ever feel like you're drowning under the weight of motherhood? No matter how much you love your kids. You're constantly falling short of some impossible standard. Have you ever felt guilty for wanting just a few moments to yourself? Or like you're failing because you don't enjoy every single part of being a mom. I get it. 

You're not alone. Welcome to mom's without cakes. The podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie and my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are. Beyond your role as a mom. For years, I was buried under piles of dishes and endless loads of laundry. Constantly putting my family's needs above my own. I was overwhelmed. [00:01:00] Exhausted and I felt completely invisible. It seemed impossible to carve out time for anything that didn't directly revolve around my family. But everything changed when I finally decided to move myself up on my own to-do list. I started prioritizing things that brought me joy and fulfillment. and allowing me to reclaim my sense of worth and take ownership of my life. Instead of feeling like I was constantly just managing things for everyone else. As a mom of six, I know firsthand the struggle to juggle it all. But through years of learning, growing, and shedding, the supermom identity. I've discovered how to live in alignment with my needs without guilt. Now I'm here to help you to do the same. You don't have to lose yourself in motherhood. Together, we can hang up the supermom Cape. And embrace a more [00:02:00] balanced, joyful life. This is Moms without capes. Today, we're diving into the unrealistic expectations that society places on us as moms. Expectations that have us feeling overwhelmed. Guilty. And like we've lost ourselves along the way. But here's the good news. It doesn't have to be this way. Let's talk about how we can release these pressures. And redefine motherhood on our own terms. And be sure to stay to the end of today's episode, where I'll share with you a fun way to connect with other women who are actively working towards getting themselves off the back burner and reclaiming their sense of self within motherhood. You'll definitely want to be part of this crew. So now let's dive into today's topic. The first expectation I want to [00:03:00] address is a pretty common one, especially among moms Who aren't currently making space for themselves. Moms should always want to be with their children. 24 7. There's this idea out there. That if we truly love our kids. We should want to be with them all the time. And let me tell you, that's simply not true. Yes, we love our children deeply. But we also need time for ourselves. It's okay to crave alone time. Time with friends or even just a quiet moment to breathe. Without the constant demands of parenting. 

You might feel guilty for wanting a break even for a few hours. Maybe you hesitate to go out on a girls night. Or even leave your kids with a babysitter for a date night. Feeling like you should be [00:04:00] the one there with them. This expectation leads to feelings of guilt. And exhaustion. Constantly denying yourself, time to recharge. 

We'll leave you. Only leave you feeling drained and ultimately it can breed resentment, not just towards the situation. But even at times towards your role as a mom, And guess what? That's okay. You're not meant to be on call 24 7. You're human. 

The second expectation. That we can internalize. Is moms never need a break or time to themselves. This one ties in with the previous point. But it's deeper than just wanting alone time. It's about the belief that needing a break. Means you're failing. The truth is everyone needs a break. Moms need time to rest and recharge. So that we can show up as our best [00:05:00] selves. You push yourself to keep going, even when you're running on fumes. Maybe you skip self care thinking of rest when the kids are asleep. But we know that time never seems to come. You feel like taking time for yourself is selfish. So you push through the exhaustion. And this leads to burnout both mentally and physically. You start snapping at your kids or your partner. Not because you don't love them. But because you're just so darn tired. When we don't honor our need for rest. We end up operating at half capacity and that hurts both us. And our families. 

Third expectation is moms should always be patient and calm. No matter what. Listen, we've all had those days. The ones where everything seems to be going wrong. And we lose our cool. And then what happens [00:06:00] next? The guilt kicks in. You think. I should've been more patient. I should have handled that better. You're shoulding all over yourself. But here's the thing. 

No one is patient all the time. 

You might find yourself apologizing for every little moment where you weren't the perfect picture of calm. You might feel ashamed for raising your voice. Or feel like a failure for having a very human reaction. This constant self-criticism. Leads to feeling like you're never good enough. It's emotionally exhausting to constantly hold yourself to an impossible standard. 

And the truth is losing your patients. Doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human. 

Do you believe that a good mom. Always puts her children's needs before her own. This expectation is probably one of the most common and also one of the most harmful. We're taught that good moms are selfless. [00:07:00] That we should sacrifice everything for our kids. But when we neglect our own needs. We can't be there for our kids in the way that they need us. 

Perhaps you skip meals, ignore your own health. Or give up activities that you enjoy because you feel like your children's needs should always come first. Even when you're emotionally or physically drained. You keep going because that's what good moms do. This isn't true. Because over time, this leads to self neglect. When you're constantly running on empty, it becomes harder to show up for your family. Mom's deserved to have their needs met too. I say that over and over again. Because the fact of the matter is you will be a better mom. When you take care of yourself. So if you're not going to do it for yourself, Do it for your kids? 

The fifth [00:08:00] expectation is mom's must love every moment of motherhood. Please. This is just not true. Let's get real for a moment. Motherhood. Isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It's hard work. It's messy. But somewhere along the way, we're told that we should just love every minute of it. And when we don't, we start to feel like something's wrong with us. 

You may feel ashamed or guilty for not loving every part of motherhood. And maybe you're struggling with sleepless nights tantrums. Or simply the monotony of daily routines. But you think. I should be enjoying this. This expectations adds layers of guilt and isolation. When we don't allow ourselves to acknowledge that some moments of motherhood are hard and just not fun. We feel like we're failing. But you're allowed to dislike [00:09:00] parts of it. While still loving your children deeply. 

How about. This expectation. Mom's should be able to handle it all without asking for help. 

We often feel that we need to be these superheroes, hence moms without capes. 

Because we are so used to thinking, we need to juggle work and childcare and housework and everything in between without ever asking for help. But here's a little secret. Asking for help, doesn't make you weak. In fact. It makes you stronger. 

Maybe you refuse to delegate tasks or ask your partner or family for help. You feel like it's your responsibility to do everything from managing the household to handling all the childcare duties. 

If you've been listening to moms with that capes podcast for awhile, where you follow me on social. I have a problem with the word help. Simply because it assumes that [00:10:00] one person is fully responsible for the task and the other person is just assisting it. Sure we want our partners. To take initiative. To own the tasks. 

And we have the fair play system, which is a way 

to allow our partners. To step up. But in order for them to step up and own the tasks of what it takes to raise a child and run a house, we need to learn what our role is, so that we can step back and allow our partner to step up. 

But if you are believing this expectation, if you have internalized the idea that moms should be able to handle it all without asking for help. This probably is leaving you feeling overwhelmed. And isolated, like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You're carrying an invisible mental load. That's [00:11:00] impossible. To manage a loan. And it's wearing you down. 

The seventh expectation. 

Is mom's must always have a clean, organized home. The pressure to keep a spotless picture. Perfect. Home is real. But if you have kids, you know how unrealistic that is? Yeah. We often feel like our homes are reflection of how good we are as moms. We have a sign hanging in our house. That says, excuse the mess. The kids are busy making memories. 

You might be constantly cleaning up after your kids. Stressing about messes or feeling embarrassed when your house isn't Instagram ready. He might feel judged by others. Or compare yourself to moms who seem to have it all together. 

Talk about causing anxiety and stress. This is probably making you feel like you're failing at [00:12:00] motherhood because your home isn't immaculate. But the truth is a messy house. Is a sign of a lived in home. And it's okay to let some things slide. 

The eighth expectation is moms should never feel overwhelmed. Or need to escape their role. The idea that a good mom never feels overwhelmed or frustrated. It's just another unrealistic standard. Motherhood can be tough. And sometimes. We need a break. And that's perfectly okay. 

I am just coming back. From a two day conference that I attended in another city where I had to leave. And stay in a hotel. This required me to have a conversation with my husband. About why I felt. I needed to go out of town to go to account conference, to get continuing education credits. I didn't need to. I wanted to. Sure [00:13:00] there are opportunities for me to get my credits online or in my town. 

They have different conferences that happen throughout the year. But I really wanted that break. I wanted to be able to go stay in a hotel. 

In a town different from where I usually am. And just relax at night. From spending all day in conferences and learning and listening to different speakers. 

This was a break that I wanted and I tuck. Now you may be feeling ashamed for feeling overwhelmed or wishing that you could take a step back from your role as a mom. You might suppress these feelings, thinking not a good mom should be able to handle it all with grace. But when you suppress your feelings, they build up over time. Leading to anxiety, depression, and emotional burnout. It's crucial to acknowledge when you need a break and give yourself permission to step away. I'm feeling refreshed and recharged. I'm ready to step back [00:14:00] into my role. As a mom. 

Number nine moms should never complain or show vulnerability. Many of us feel like we need to put on a brave face and never show weakness. We don't want to complain because it might make us seem like we're not coping. But vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. 

You may be holding in your struggles, trying to maintain the appearance of having it all together. You don't talk about how hard things are, because you feel like complaining would make you a bad mom. But this only leads to isolation. When we don't share our struggles, we feel like we're the only ones going through it. But the reality is most moms are dealing with the same challenges. Opening up. Can create connection and support. 

And number 10. Moms should bounce back immediately after childbirth. 



The pressure to bounce back after childbirth is [00:15:00] immense. We're expected to return to our pre-baby bodies. Routines and productivity levels almost immediately, but that's simply not realistic. You might feel pressure to lose the baby weight quickly or jump back into your old schedule without giving yourself time to heal or adjust to life as a new mom. You feel like you have to hide the realities of postpartum recovery? Now this creates unnecessary pressure on both your body and your mind. Trying to rush. 

The recovery process can lead to physical issues, emotional strain and feelings of inadequacy. Moms need time to heal. And that's totally okay. 

If you've been nodding along with these points, it's because you've probably felt some. Or all of these unrealistic expectations. Let's talk about the real impact of internalizing these unrealistic expectations, because the truth is. These expectations, don't just [00:16:00] float around in the background. They seep into our everyday lives. And take a serious toll. When we buy into these impossible standards, they can wreck havoc on our mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. 

First let's talk about burnout and exhaustion. When we try to meet all these expectations. Being with our kids 24 7 never needing a break, keeping a perfect home, always being patient. It's no wonder that we're exhausted. And not just tired. But emotionally and physically drained. Think about it. We're constantly giving constantly running on empty and the result. Is burnout. Trying to do it all the time with no room to rest or recharge is simply not sustainable. we feel like we have to keep pushing through. This constant pressure to be perfect in all areas of motherhood. Can leave us feeling completely depleted [00:17:00] and that's just not good for us or for our families. When burnout sets in, we can't show up as the moms that we want to be. 

Then there's the guilt and inadequacy. 

Every time we fall short of these expectations, whether it's losing our temper, not enjoying every moment of motherhood. We're feeling overwhelmed. We feel like we failed. Society has set these unrealistic expectations or these standards that no one can meet. But when we don't hit the mark. We turn that disappointment inward and we think I'm not a good mom. Or what's wrong with me? And that guilt. That sense of inadequacy starts to chip away at our self-esteem. 

It becomes this constant nagging voice in our heads, making us feel like we're never. Never enough. 

It's that. Inner mean, girl. And over time, it's incredibly [00:18:00] damaging. Which brings me to the loss of self. One of the most heartbreaking impacts of internalizing these expectations. Is how we lose ourselves. When we're constantly prioritizing our kids' needs over our own, constantly trying to live up to these impossible ideals. We just forget about ourselves. 

We stopped doing the things that we love. We stopped taking care of our own needs. And eventually we lose sight of who we are outside of being mom. The longer, we try to live up to these standards. The further we drift from our sense of self. And that loss of identity. I can leave us feeling empty. Like we're just going through the motions of motherhood without really living our own lives. 

And finally these expectations constrain our relationships. The unrealistic pressure to do it all. Doesn't just affect us as individuals. It affects our relationships When we're constantly stressed and [00:19:00] overwhelmed, it's easy for resentment to build up. Especially with our partners. We might feel like we're carrying the entire mental and physical load of the household. 

And when we don't ask for help, that weight gets heavier. The tension builds and it can create distance in our marriages or our partnerships. We might also pull away from friendships either because we feel like we don't have time for them, or because we're too ashamed to admit that we're struggling. In trying to meet these expectations. 

We isolate ourselves and create walls between us and the people who want to support us. 

So to sum it up, internalizing these expectations can lead to burnout, guilt. Loss of identity and strange relationships. 

But just because we've internalized them doesn't mean that we have to keep carrying them. 

Let's talk about how we can start letting go of these unrealistic ideals and redefine what it means to be a good mom. On our own [00:20:00] terms. 

First. We need to recognize. And challenge these expectations. The first step in breaking free is becoming aware of the expectations that we've internally internalized. We need to take a step back. And ask ourselves. What pressures. Am I putting on myself. Where are they coming from? And are they really necessary or beneficial? Maybe it's the belief. 

you should always keep your home spotless. Or that you should never ask for help. Whatever it is. Take a moment to really reflect on where these expectations are coming from. Are they coming from societal norms? From your own upbringing. Or maybe from what you're seeing on social media. Once you recognize them, you can start challenging them. Ask yourself, is this expectation helping me or hurting [00:21:00] me? Is it indeed real listic. Most of the time. You're going to find that these pressures are doing more harm than good. Recognizing them for what they are. Unrealistic. And sometimes even toxic. Is the first step in letting them go. 

Next it's time to redefine what it means to be a good mom. Here's the thing. Being a good mom doesn't mean being perfect. It doesn't mean always putting your kids first. Always having the answers. Or never needing help. In fact, One of the healthiest things we can do is redefine what being a good mom looks like. And that's going to be different for everyone. For some, it might mean creating some space for rest and self care. For others, it might mean learning to set boundaries or embracing the fact that motherhood is messy and imperfect. One powerful [00:22:00] exercise is to sit down. And write out your own definition of what it means to be a good mom. A definition that allows room for mistakes rest and self-compassion. When we release the pressure to meet society standards. We create space for a much more authentic, fulfilling experience of motherhood. I did a few podcast episodes on redefining what it means to be a good mom. I will link to one of those episodes in the show notes. Of today's episode. 

Let's talk about setting boundaries and asking for help. I can't stress this enough. Asking for help. Doesn't make you less of a mom. In fact, it makes you a stronger mom. But so many of us have been conditioned to believe that we should be able to do it all on our own. That needing help is a sign of weakness. I want to challenge that belief right here now. Setting boundaries [00:23:00] and asking for help is one of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves and our families. Whether it's delegating tasks to our partner or to our kids. And asking a friend or family member for support. Or setting some boundaries with your kids. 

When you need a break, these are acts of strengths, not weaknesses. They show that you value your time and your wellbeing and that you're committed to being the best mom you can be without running yourself into the ground. 

Which brings me to good old self care. I know. I know south Kara's become a bit of a buzzword, but it's more than just bubble baths and spa days. Self-care is about giving yourself permission to rest. To do the things that nourish your soul. And to take time for yourself. Without guilt. And here's where I want to be really clear. Taking care of yourself. Does not make you selfish. 

In fact, it's [00:24:00] necessary. If you want to show up fully for your kids and your family. Think of it, like the oxygen mask on an airplane you need to put on your own mask First. Before you help anyone else? Whether that looks like scheduling regular time to do a hobby that you love taking 10 minutes of quiet time in the morning, or simply saying no to things that drain you. It is totally okay to prioritize your own needs. Finally. , seeking support. Breaking free from these expectations can feel overwhelming at times. 

And that's why it's so important to surround yourself with support. Whether it's connecting with other moms who understand what you're going through, seeking therapy, or working with a coach, having someone in your corner makes a huge difference. We're not meant to do this alone. There's so much power in talking about your struggles and sharing your experiences with other moms who get it. 

You'll quickly realize that you're not the only one feeling [00:25:00] this way. And that can be incredibly freeing. Therapy or coaching can also help you navigate these challenges. 

With personalized strategies and a safe space to explore. What's holding you back. It's okay to seek help. In fact, it's a sign of strength. And self-awareness. If you would like further support. With recognizing and letting go of these expectations while reclaiming your sense of self beyond your role as a mom, I would welcome an opportunity to serve you. I offer individual counseling to mothers in Montana. Both in-person and virtually. And if you're outside of the state, I offer various workshops and events that can help you on your journey to reconnecting with yourself within and beyond motherhood. Check the show notes for a link to schedule a free 15 minute consultation where we can see if working together make sense [00:26:00] for you. 

So to recap. Breaking free from unrealistic expectations starts with recognizing and challenging those beliefs redefining what it means to be a good mom. Setting boundaries and asking for help. Normalizing self care and seeking support. It's about reclaiming your life and letting go of the pressures that weigh you down. Motherhood is challenging enough without carrying around a backpack full of impossible standards. So let's start on packing it one unrealistic expectation at a time. You deserve to find joy in motherhood without the pressure to be perfect. Now that we've talked about breaking free from those unrealistic expectations. Let's focus on what happens when we do let them go. Because the benefits of releasing these pressures are powerful, not just for you, but for your entire family. When we embrace a more realistic view of motherhood, we're able to live more fully and joyfully [00:27:00] without the constant burden of trying to be perfect. 

Let's explore some of the amazing changes that can happen when we give ourselves permission to be human. First and foremost. You'll find more mental and emotional balance. When you're no longer trying to live up to impossible standards, it feels like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders. Think about it. The pressure to be a perfect mom, to always have it all together is absolutely draining. But when you release that pressure and allow yourself to be imperfect, There's a sense of relief. You start to realize that it's okay to have bad days. It's okay to need help. And it's okay to not be everything to everyone all the time. This shift leads to more mental and emotional balance because you're no longer constantly judging yourself. Instead you start showing yourself compassion. And with that compassion comes a more stable, emotional state. Where you're not constantly riding the highs and [00:28:00] lows of guilt and self-doubt. You start to feel calmer, more grounded and more in control of your emotions. And you'll also find that you begin to enjoy motherhood more. Without that constant pressure to be perfect. Motherhood becomes less of a performance. And more of a journey. You're no longer worrying about whether you're doing everything right. Or whether you're meeting some imaginary standard and instead you'll be able to focus on the moments that truly matter. That connection with your kids, the laughter the joy. When you let go of perfection, you open up space to actually enjoy the experience of being a mom. You start to appreciate the messy, imperfect parts of motherhood. Because you're no longer trying to force them into some little neat box. 

And with that shift, you'll find that you'll be able to be more present with your kids and to really soak in those moments of connection without the distractions of guilt or soft criticism. another major benefit is improved [00:29:00] relationships. When you allow yourself to be human. Something magical happens. 

You give others permission to be human, to whether it's your partner, your friends, or your kids, the relationships in your life become more authentic. You're no longer trying to do it all on your own or pretending that you have everything under control. When you show vulnerability. It brings you closer to the people around you. In your marriage or partnership, you'll notice that the dynamic shifts, instead of silently carrying the weight of your household or feeling resentful, You're able to communicate your needs and share the load. This not only strengthens your relationship, but also helps you feel supported. The same goes for friendships. 

When let go of the facade of perfection. You're able to connect with other moms on a deeper level, sharing your struggles and supporting one another. It's amazing how much closer we feel to people when we stop pretending and start being real. 

And perhaps the biggest transformation. Comes in [00:30:00] your sense of self. When you prioritize your needs alongside your family's needs, you discover who you are outside of motherhood. You start to reclaim parts of yourself that may have been buried under the weight of those unrealistic expectations, whether it's carving out time for a hobby, you love. Spending time alone to recharge. Or simply taking care of your mental and physical health. Prioritizing yourself. 

Doesn't just benefit you. It benefits your entire family. A healthier more fulfilled. Mom is a mom who can show up more fully for her kids. And here's the beautiful part. When you take care of yourself. You're modeling for your children. What it looks like to live a balanced and fulfilled life. You're teaching them that it's okay to set boundaries. That it's okay to rest. And that self care is an essential part of being human. That's a lesson they'll carry with them for the rest of their lives. What does all this mean for you? When [00:31:00] you released those unrealistic expectations. You're not only freeing yourself from guilt and burnout. But you're also creating a life that's richer. More joyful and more aligned with who you truly are. You're stepping into a version of motherhood that allows for mistakes. That embraces imperfection and that prioritizes you as much as the prioritizes, your kids. You're showing up as the best version of yourself, not the perfect mom. But the real human present mom. that your kids need and that's something worth celebrating. You deserve to feel whole. To feel balanced. And to live a life that's full of joy, not because you're perfect, but because you're human and that my friend is what embracing a realistic view of motherhood. Is all about. As we wrap up today's episode, let's take a moment to reflect on everything we've covered. We talked about the unrealistic expectation that society places [00:32:00] on us moms, the pressure is to always be available, to never need a break, to have a perfectly organized home and to do it all without ever asking for help. These expectations when internalized. Can lead to burnout, guilt and a complete loss of self. But you do not have to live this way. You have the power to break free from these unrealistic beliefs. By recognizing the expectations that you've been carrying challenging, whether they're actually serving you. And redefining what it means to be a good mom on your own terms. You can start to reclaim your sense of self it's. 

Okay. To be imperfect. In fact, embracing imperfection is what makes motherhood real and beautiful. I want to invite you to reflect on the expectations that you've been holding on to ask yourself, where are these beliefs coming from? Are they helping me or are they weighing me down? As you think about this, remember that motherhood isn't about meeting someone else's standards. 

It's about creating a life that allows [00:33:00] space for both your kids. And you. I mentioned earlier about a fun way to connect with other women who are on a similar journey as yours. The moms without capes Facebook group is a community of incredible women who are learning who they are underneath their supermom Cape. We hold monthly, get togethers, motivational challenges and engaging conversations all around. 

Self-discovery self-care and self-love. Simply search moms without capes on Facebook, or check out the show notes of today's episode for the link so that you can join.Thanks for listening to this episode of moms without capes, as you learned from listening, there are quite a number of expectations. We hold that aren't realistic and that aren't serving us in motherhood. These pressures, take a pretty big emotional toll on us. But there are ways to recognize and challenge these expectations to better serve us. Remember. You're [00:34:00] 100% responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot slowdown. 

Check in with yourself. And please above all. Take care of yourself. Because you are worth it.