225 | A Higher Paycheck Doesn’t Make His Time More Important than Yours

Is your partner’s time more valuable just because he earns a paycheck? Let's dive into the mindset that often leaves moms believing their time is worth less, leading to guilt, burnout, and a loss of identity.  In this episode of Moms Without Capes, we explore how to shift this narrative, recognize the value of unpaid labor, and communicate effectively with your partner to share the mental load. You'll discover practical steps to reclaim your time, prioritize self-care, and reconnect with the person you are beyond motherhood.

If you’ve ever felt guilty for resting or struggled to ask for help, this episode is for you. Learn how valuing your time equally is key to reclaiming your sense of self and building healthier relationships. Tune in and take the first step toward a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Key Topics:

• The Value of a Mom’s Time vs. a Partner’s Time
• Invisible Labor in Motherhood 
• Impact of Devaluing a Mom’s Time
• Shifting Mindsets to Reclaim Time
• Improving Communication and Sharing the Load

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

224 | A Higher Paycheck Doesn’t Make His Time More Important than Yours
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[00:00:00] Is your partner's time, really worth more just because he earns a paycheck. Let's be honest. It can feel that way sometimes. Maybe it's because society has trained us to equate worth. With money. Or because we see traditional roles play out in subtle ways. He works long hours outside the home and you take care of everything inside. But if his paycheck vanished tomorrow, With the time and energy you put into managing the home. And raising the kids suddenly become more valuable. Of course not. So his time isn't inherently more important. 

Why do so many of us act like it is. Why do we skip our breaks? Give up on hobbies or hesitate to ask for help just because he's had a long day at work. Now. It's time to flip that script. [00:01:00] Welcome to moms without capes the podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie MIchalsky. 

And my goal is to help you prioritize your needs. And carve out space for yourself. 

I'm Ani. And my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are. Beyond your role as a mom. For years, I was buried under piles of dishes and endless loads of laundry, constantly putting my family's needs above my own. I was overwhelmed. Exhausted. And felt completely invisible. It seemed impossible. To carve out time for anything that didn't directly revolve around my family. But everything changed when I finally decided to move myself up. On my own to-do list. And I started prioritizing things that brought [00:02:00] me joy and fulfillment. Allowing me to reclaim my sense of worth. And take ownership of my life instead of feeling like I was just constantly managing things for everyone else. 

As a mama I know firsthand the struggle to juggle it all. But through years of learning, growing, and shedding, the supermom identity. I've discovered how to live in alignment with my needs. Without feeling guilt. And now I'm here to help you do the same. You don't have to lose yourself in motherhood. Together, we can hang up that supermom Cape. And embrace a more balanced, joyful life. This is moms without Capes.

Today, we're diving into the idea that every hour, whether spent earning a paycheck. Raising children or resting holds equal value. No matter how time is used. It [00:03:00] contributes to the wellbeing of the family and deserves to be honored. In other words. Your time. Is just as valuable as your partners. Whether you're wiping noses. Folding laundry or taking 15 minutes to breathe. And enjoy a quiet moment. When you stop putting yourself last and start seeing your time as just as important as his, everything You'll feel less guilt. Less burnout and more connection to the person you are beyond motherhood. In this episode. We're going to explore what it takes to change that mindset. Share the load more, fairly. And reclaim your time. And your sense of self. Along the way. Towards the end of this episode, I'll share with you how you can get your hands on an amazing resource. That will help you reclaim your sense of self. [00:04:00] Beyond motherhood by lightening the mental and physical loads you are carrying. 

So don't go anywhere. Let's dive in. So let's talk about something that rarely gets acknowledged. The invisible labor of motherhood. When I say invisible. The countless things that you do that don't come with a paycheck or a job title. But are absolutely essential to making your family function. Think about it. Everything from cooking meals, cleaning up after the tornado of toys, managing the kids, school schedules, planning, birthday parties, remembering doctor's appointments, and even making sure that there's toilet paper in the house. 

These are all things that you are probably taking care of. and that's just the visible stuff. The emotional labor. Like comforting your child after a bad day. Mediating sibling fights. And constantly [00:05:00] anticipating the needs of everyone in the family. It is a full time job. Actually it's several full-time jobs. 

And here's the thing. Without these contributions. Your partner. Couldn't show up to work. The way he does. Every time you stay home with the kids when someone's sick. Make sure dinner is on the table. Or take care of the bedtime routine alone. You are creating this space that allows your partner to focus on his job. Whether you work outside the home or not. The fact that the house is running smoothly. Is because you make it happen. 

But here's where it gets tricky. Society tends to value work that comes with a paycheck. More than the work that doesn't. And that makes a lot of moms feel like their time isn't as important or valuable. This belief [00:06:00] creeps in quietly. You tell yourself? He's the one making the money, so he needs time to rest when he gets home. Or. I should be able to handle everything at home because that's my job. And slowly. But surely. It becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Where do you even feel? Like you deserve a break. For me. I was a stay at home mom for over 14 years. 

And even now my husband is the primary breadwinner for our family. I have struggled to ask my husband to make dinner. Because I often thought he worked all day. I should be able to have dinner on the table when he gets home. But let's be real here. There are plenty of afternoons. When I'm running kids to and from appointments, lessons, and practices. I worked all day as [00:07:00] well. And for years. I shoulded all on myself. And I suffered, I just did it. Even if that meant we ate at 8:00 PM or as you can imagine, or perhaps you're experiencing for yourself. 

Resentment grew. 

I started resenting my husband. I fully believed that his time was worth more than mine. And since he worked all day outside of the home for more money than I was making. Then he couldn't possibly make dinner. Maybe you found yourself thinking. I can't ask him to take over bedtime because he worked all day and I've just been home. But let me stop you right there. 

mama. There is no such thing as just home. You have not been sitting around all day. You have been working too. You've been managing schedules, keeping the kids fed, running errands, making decisions, cleaning up messes. [00:08:00] Physical and emotional messages. Or maybe you were out there working at an outside job in addition. To all that you're doing at home. Even if your day doesn't look like a typical nine to five job, it is still labor. 

The problem is. When we believe that what we do is invaluable. It's really easy to feel guilty for wanting or needing time for ourselves. It's easy to slip into a mindset where we put our partners needs first because after all. He worked all day. Because the truth is. So did you, and just because your work didn't come with a paycheck or didn't come with the paycheck that your husband. So work comes with. It doesn't mean that it isn't just as valuable. Let me say that again. Your time is just as valuable as your partners. [00:09:00] Even if his time is tied to a paycheck. And yours might not be. I know. 

I know, I can feel hard to believe that. When society tends to glorify paid work and barely acknowledges the importance of caregiving. Look at what caregivers are paid these days. But the truth is. Time reflects worth. Both parents contribute to the family in ways that are different. But equally essential. 

Your partner's job. May bring home the paycheck. But your work. Whether it's full-time mothering. Part-time. Or full-time work outside the home or somewhere in between. makes everything else possible. Every minute that you spend raising kids. Managing the home and keeping running smoothly. Creates the foundation that allows your partner to focus on his work. [00:10:00] Without your effort. The whole system. Wouldn't function. When one parent works outside the home. It only works. Because the other is holding down the Fort, inside the home. 

My husband. Can only work full time and travel and leave at 7:00 AM and go out of town for a week. Because I am taking care of life, our children, our pets, the house, all of it. If I wasn't doing this, then we'd have a very different life. And he would have a very different life. He 

is only able to do what he does. Because of his partner. And we won't even talk about how much it would cost for him to hire the people he would need. To replace all that you do. Think about it like this. If you weren't taking care of sick kids, planning meals, [00:11:00] or handling the laundry. Would your partner really be able to stay late at work or focus on his job without worrying about things falling apart at home? The reality is both types of contributions paid work. And unpaid caregiving. inter connected. Your time, isn't extra. It's part of what keeps the family operating day in and day out. 

But here's the problem. So many. Of us have bought into the idea that money equals value. And if you're not bringing in a paycheck, You may feel that what you do isn't as important. But let me debunk that myth right here and now. Earning money. Isn't the only measure of value. Think of all the things you do every day. That a paid professional would otherwise have to do if you weren't there. You're a cook, a teacher, a driver, a [00:12:00] therapist, house manager. All in one person. And you do it, not just out of duty, but out of love and care for your family. 

It's easy to underestimate the value of unpaid labor. Because much of it is invisible. It doesn't show up on a bank statement and it's not something we log hours for. But let me tell you something, your contributions are just as important your partner's paycheck. If you disappeared from the equation tomorrow. The household wouldn't run the same way. There would be chaos stress. And a long list of tasks. That would have to be outsourced or picked up by someone else. 

So when you catch yourself thinking I should be able to handle this myself or his time is more important than mine because he makes the money. I want you to pause and remember this. Your time is not free. Every moment you spend caring for your kids, your [00:13:00] home and yourself. Matters. Just as much as any time spent at a desk. Or on a job site. You are making an investment in your family's wellbeing. One that doesn't show up on a paycheck. But makes all the difference. 

Okay, mama. Now that we've talked about the invisible labor you do. And why your time is just as valuable as your partners. Let's dive into what happens when we don't value our time. Because let's be honest, this mindset can take a serious toll on us. Emotionally, mentally. And even physically. 

When you constantly put yourself last. It starts to chip away at your sense of self. You become so wrapped up in what everyone else needs, that you lose sight of who you are outside of being a mom and a partner. And when you don't make space for your own needs, exhaustion sets it. This [00:14:00] is emotional burnout. It's that deep bone tired feeling. Even the simplest things feel overwhelming. And over time. It can turn into resentment. 

Like I mentioned earlier. Maybe you felt that resentment building. Resentment towards your partner for not noticing how much you're carrying. Or resentment towards your kids for needing so much from you all the time. And let's be real when everything falls on one person's shoulders for too long. It is exhausting. You love your family. 

Of course you do. But love alone. Isn't enough to fill your tank. And that's where resentment and even symptoms of depression can sneak in. 

Now here's where this gets even trickier. When we believe that our partner's time is more valuable. We tend to struggle with communication. It can feel like no matter how much we do, it's invisible. And over time, we start to feel [00:15:00] unseen and undervalued. This can lead to fights over small things. That are really about something much bigger. Feeling unappreciated and alone in the load that we carry. Have you ever had one of those arguments where you're saying things like, I wish he would just help me more. But what you really mean is I wish you saw what I do every day. And understand how much I need a break too. These kinds of conversations are hard and when they don't happen. The gap between partners. I can widen. And instead of functioning as a team, you start feeling more like roommates, just going through the motions. 

But it's not just your relationship with your partner that's affected it also impacts your kids. When we don't model self care or healthy boundaries, our children miss out on learning those important life skills. They start to believe that moms are supposed to do everything for everyone else and never need a break. [00:16:00] But the truth is kids thrive. 

When they see their parents share the load and prioritize their wellbeing. When you take care of yourself. You're teaching your kids. A pretty important lesson. Moms have needs too. And it's okay to ask for help and rest. 

Here's the thing. When kids grow up, seeing both parents contribute to the household, whether that's washing dishes, playing with them or taking time for self care, they learn balance. They understand that relationships are partnerships and that everyone's time matters. You're not just caring for yourself when you take a break. You're showing your children that they can grow up. And do the same. Let's talk about how to change this narrative. The good news is it all starts with small steps. And the very first step. Is shifting your mindset. And I want you to start by recognizing that your [00:17:00] time matters. Whether you're folding laundry, playing with your kids or sitting on the couch with a book. It all has value. 

It's not just the time spent working or checking things off of your, to do list that counts. Rest is valuable. Joy is valuable. So I need you to take a few minutes to breathe. Or enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and realize that's valuable to. We have to stop treating downtime like luxuries, because they're not. They are absolutely essential to your well-being. 

Just like eating and sleepingare When you start to see everything you do as meaningful. Whether it's care, work, paid work or personal time. You begin to realize that your time isn't any less important. Than your partners. 

The next step is learning how to communicate openly with your partner. It's not always easy. [00:18:00] But having honest conversations about the division of labor is key. This isn't about keeping score. It's about recognizing that both of you. Need downtime. And that the workload at home should reflect that. One tool I love for these conversations is the fair play method. It's all about redistributing tasks in a way that feels fair and gives both partners the space to recharge. It shifts the mindset from who does more. To how can we work as a team? You'd be surprised at how much easier things feel when you know that household tasks are shared and you have scheduled time for yourself. Without guilt. 

Next time, you're feeling overwhelmed instead of trying to push through it. Pause. And ask for what you need. You might say, Hey. I've been carrying a lot today and I need a break. Can you [00:19:00] take over the bedtime routine so that I can have a few minutes to myself. Remember asking for help. Or for what you need. 

Isn't a sign of weakness. It's a way to take care of yourself. Which makes you a better partner and parent. And that brings us to our final step. Building time for yourself. If you've been running on empty for awhile, it might feel uncomfortable at first to prioritize your own needs. So I encourage you to start small. Find just 10 to 15 minutes each day to do something that brings you joy. It doesn't have to be complicated. Read a chapter of a book, go for a walk stretch, or listen to music that you love. What matters is that you carve out time just for you. Whenever that voice of guilt creeps in and says, I should be doing something more productive. Remind yourself taking care of me. Is just as important as taking care of them. [00:20:00] 

You're not being selfish. You're setting an example for your kids, strengthening your relationships and showing yourself that you're worthy of rest. It's okay to start small. The important thing is to just begin each time you prioritize yourself. Even in a small way, you're shifting the narrative. You're saying my time matters. And the more you do it. The easier it. becomes. In a moment. We'll wrap things up with some final thoughts and encouragement. But before we do, I just want to remind you, you don't have to do it all to be a good mom. Taking care of yourself makes you a better one. All right. 

Let's recap. What we've talked about today. If there's one thing I hope you take away from this episode, it's that your time is just as valuable as your partners. No matter who makes more money. The work you do, even though it's unpaid is essential to your family's wellbeing and success. Without you, the family wouldn't function the way it [00:21:00] does. And I want you to remember. 

It's not just okay. To take time for yourself. It's necessary. Rest joy and self care are not luxuries. Three central to showing up as the best version of yourself for both you and your family. Here's my challenge for you this week. What's one thing you've put off because you thought your time wasn't as valuable. Maybe it's something small, like finishing that book on your nightstand or something bigger, like starting a hobby. You've been thinking about. Whatever it is. I want you to reflect on it and then ask yourself, what would it look like if you gave yourself permission to prioritize it? Even if just for a little while. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. If something from today's episode really resonated with you. Sharon on social media or inside the moms with that keeps Facebook community. Let's keep this conversation going because we all need reminders that our time matters to. [00:22:00] I have an awesome resource for you. 

Something that will help you on your way to reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood. Making space for self care, hobbies and fun is impossible. When you're carrying the full load of domestic labor. Having a, to do list that runs a mile long and doing it all yourself. Can lead straight to burnout and can be devastating to your health and your relationships. I created a guide that will walk you through how to share the load. It includes conversation starters, tips for managing expectations. And practical strategies for redistributing household and childcare tasks. Grab your guide today. By visiting moms without capes.com backslash share the load. Or click the link. In the show notes of today's episode. Thanks for listening to this episode. of moms without capes. As you learned from listening your time is just as valuable as your partners, regardless of financial contributions and recognizing this is essential for [00:23:00] reclaiming your sense of self. Remember mama, you are 100% responsible for your own life. And for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot, slow down, check in with yourself and please above all take care of yourself because you, my friend are worth it.