230 | How to Set Emotional Boundaries with your Kids

Dive into a skill that can transform both your parenting and your personal peace of mind: healthy detachment. As moms, it’s easy to get swept up in every mood and meltdown our kids experience, leaving us feeling emotionally drained and overwhelmed. But what if there was a way to be fully present and supportive without absorbing all their emotions?

Join us in this episode of Moms Without Capes as we explore practical steps to set emotional boundaries, stay empathetic without burnout, and help our kids build resilience and independence. If you’re ready to reclaim your sense of self while being the mom you want to be, this episode is for you! 

Let’s start the journey toward reclaiming your identity and embracing a life where you feel truly connected and seen.

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

How to Set Emotional Boundaries with your Kids
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[00:00:00] Do you ever feel like you're constantly walking on an emotional, tight rope, balancing your own feelings while carrying every mood or meltdown your kids bring to the table? Are there days where it seems like your peace of mind depends entirely on how your kids are feeling. If they're happy, you're happy, but if they're struggling, Suddenly your whole day feels heavy and out of balance. You're not alone. So many of us moms end up on this rollercoaster. riding each and every emotion our kids go through. And while we want to be there for them, the truth is. Absorbing their feelings doesn't help them. 

And it certainly doesn't help us. Welcome to moms without capes the podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie Michalsky and my goal is to help you prioritize your [00:01:00] needs. And carve out space for yourself. So that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. For years, I was buried under piles of dishes and endless loads of laundry. Constantly putting my family's needs above my own. I felt overwhelmed. 

Exhausted. And frankly, Completely invisible. It seemed impossible to carve out time for anything that didn't revolve around my family. But all of this changed. When I finally decided to move myself up on my own to-do list. I started prioritizing things that brought me joy and fulfillment. Allowing me to reclaim my sense of worth and take ownership of my life instead of feeling like I was constantly just managing things for everyone else. As a mom of six. I know, firsthand the struggle to juggle it all. But through years of learning, growing, and shedding, that [00:02:00] supermom identity. I've discovered how to live in alignment with my needs. Without the guilt. And now I'm here to help you do the same. You don't have to lose yourself in motherhood. Together, we can hang up the supermom Cape. And embrace a more balanced, joyful life. This is mom's without capes. And today's episode. 

We're going to talk about something that might sound unfamiliar, but can be a complete game changer. Healthy. Detachment. Imagine what it would feel like to still be the warm, empathetic mom. You want to be. Without taking on every emotional wave that your kids experience. Imagine being able to support them while still keeping your own peace of mind intact. We're going to explore some practical strategies for creating some emotional boundaries so that you can [00:03:00] stay calm and present without absorbing their every mood. And we'll look at the incredible benefit that this brick can bring to both you and your kids. I like building the resilience, confidence and emotional inter. Independence. So if you're ready to get off of the emotional rollercoaster and reclaim your own calm. Then this episode's for you. You'll discover how to be a steady support for your kids. Guiding them through their feelings without losing yourself in the process. And be sure to stick around until the end. Because I'll be sharing a super easy way to connect with other moms who are also on the path to rediscovering themselves. 

I know your time is precious. But being part of a supportive judgment, free community, that's there to cheer you on is honestly a game changer. So hang tight. All at you in on how to get connected. Now onto the show. [00:04:00] Today, we're diving into a topic that can make a real difference in how we experience motherhood. 

I like to call healthy detachment. Now, I know that the word detachment might sound a little odd or even uncomfortable when we're talking about our kids. After all as moms we're wired to be there for them. Right. But healthy detachment. Isn't about ignoring our kids or being cold. It's really about creating a mental and emotional boundary. That helps us support them. Without taking on every single one of their moods or emotions. Especially if you have teenagers. This can be really difficult to do because teenagers moods are everywhere. 

So what is healthy detachment? It's the ability to stay connected with our kids while protecting our own peace of mind. It allows us to show empathy and [00:05:00] support without absorbing their feelings as if they were our own. Think of it, like putting on a raincoat when it's pouring outside. You can still walk in the rain, feel it and experience it. But the rain doesn't soak into you. Healthy detachment. 

Is that emotional raincoat? So why is this important? Well first when we can set this kind of boundary, it helps us to avoid unnecessary stress and burnout. If we absorb every feeling that our kids go through, it can feel like riding an emotional roller coaster all day, every day. Healthy detachment, lets us step back. 

Breathe. And approach their challenges with a clear mind. This way we can show up as the calm, supportive parent that we want to be. Rather than the one who's totally stressed and overwhelmed. But here's another benefit too. When we allow our kids to experience and handle their own [00:06:00] emotions. We're teaching them emotional, real. Resilience. By not jumping in to fix every bad mood or problem. 

We're giving them a chance to learn how to work through their feelings on their own. Over time. This helps them build confidence in their ability to handle life's ups and downs, without relying on someone else to make everything better. Let me give you an example. Let's say your child comes home from school in a bad mood. Maybe they had a rough day with friends or got a grade that they didn't like. If we're too attached to their emotional state. We might immediately feel the need to cheer them up or make them feel better. We might start offering solutions or even worse, feel guilty ourselves as if we somehow fell to keep our kids happy. That's what over attachment can look like. Feeling responsible for our kids' emotions. As if their happiness depends entirely on us. But here's the thing [00:07:00] it's okay for our kids to feel sad, frustrated, or disappointed. Those feelings are just a part of life. And they're part of learning how to manage emotions. Healthy detachment means acknowledging their feelings, maybe saying something like, I'm sorry, you had a tough day. 

I'm here. If you want to talk about it and then letting them process it without trying to fix it immediately. 

So remember. Healthy detachment doesn't mean disconnecting from our kids. It's about staying connected. While respecting the boundary between their emotion and our emotion. It's about giving ourselves permission to support them without sacrificing our own peace of mind and ultimately giving them the gift of learning to manage their emotions independently. 

So it's one thing to talk about healthy detachment. But let's be [00:08:00] honest, actually practicing. It can be really challenging. Why is it so hard for moms to step back and create those emotional boundaries with our kids? I get it. I struggle with this as well at times. Because there's a few reasons. And they're all deeply rooted in both our personal connections. And society's expectations. First and foremost. Let's talk about the strong emotional bond that we naturally have with our children. 

As moms, our connection with them. Is powerful. From the time they're born, we're there for Every milestone, every scrape, knee, every tear. That bond. Runs deep. So it's completely natural to feel responsible for their happiness and wellbeing. We want them to be happy because we love them so [00:09:00] much. 

And sometimes. That love can make it difficult to recognize where their feelings end. And ours begin. And it's not just about our personal bond with our kids. There's also this larger societal expectation. That mothers are supposed to be completely self-sacrificing. How often have we heard phrases? Like a good mom, always puts her kids first or mothers are supposed to give everything to their children. These messages can make us feel like we're failing. 

If we're not always available to fix every problem or to soothe every mood. They can make healthy detachment feel almost selfish. Even though it's really a balanced approach to caring for both ourselves and our children. Then. There's guilt. 

As moms, we often feel guilty. About not fixing every issue, our children face. [00:10:00] When we see our kids struggling. We naturally want to help. But sometimes that can turn into feelings. Like it's our job to solve everything for them. And if we're not able to fix things, We might start feeling like we're falling short as moms. This guilt can make it even harder to step back. And let them handle things on their own. 

Now let's look at the impact that these struggles can have. When we're constantly trying to fix everything for our kids or feeling responsible for their, every mood. It can create a lot of anxiety and pressure. We may feel like we're walking on eggshells. Always on alert to make sure they're okay. Over time, this can lead to feelings of failure or emotional exhaustion. It's like carrying an emotional backpack. That just keeps getting heavier [00:11:00] with every little issue. Instead of feeling empowered as we end up feeling drained and stretched thin, which isn't good for us. Or for them? So recognizing why we struggle to detach is an important part in understanding why healthy detachment is so beneficial. It helps us see that our love. Society's expectations and our own guilt. Are all factors that pull us into that emotional tug of war. And by bringing awareness to these reasons, we can start to be more intentional about creating those boundaries, ultimately supporting both our own wellbeing and our children's growth. 

All right. 

So now that we have kind of gone over what healthy detachment is and why it can be challenging. Let's talk about how to detach in a healthy way. How do we set any emotional boundary? That allows us to stay supportive. Without taking on [00:12:00] every feeling that our kids experience. Think of an emotional boundary as a mental line. a space between you and them. That allows you to remain caring and empathetic without absorbing their emotions. This boundary doesn't mean we stop caring instead. 

It's about giving ourselves permission to be supportive. Without feeling like we're on that emotional rollercoaster. Every time they feel something intense. let's talk about the practical steps for creating this boundary. There's some small shifts that with a bit of practice can make a big difference. The first one, of course, you know, I'm going to go. 

There is self-awareness. This simply means recognizing when we're getting drawn into our child's mood. Imagine your child comes home in a bad mood. They're frustrated, they're complaining, or maybe they're even angry about something that happened at school. It's pretty easy to get pulled right into that [00:13:00] emotional storm. But the next time this happens, pause and ask yourself, is this my emotion? Or theirs. Just by asking this, we create a moment of awareness where we can decide how we want to respond rather than blindly react. When we can recognize that the frustration, anger, or sadness that we're feeling actually belongs to them and not us. It becomes easier to stay calm and supportive rather than getting swept away. 

The next tool. Is mindful breathing. This one's simple, but incredibly effective. When we notice ourselves getting pulled in emotionally, take a few deep, slow breaths. Think of it as a mini reset button. As you breathe in. Imagine filling yourself with calmness. And as you breathe out, Release any tension or anxiety that you may be [00:14:00] feeling. This technique creates a small pause. Between mood. And our response. You're giving yourself a moment to ground to remember that you don't have to absorb what they're feeling, you're there for them, but you're still in control of your own emotional state. Another powerful tool is positive. 

Self-talk. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves. That it's okay for our kids to feel a full range of emotions. Yeah, we ourselves feel a full range of emotions. And we're not always supposed to feel happy. God gave us a whole realm of emotions to feel. He didn't mean for us to always feel happy. The same thing applies to our children. They have a full range of emotions. That they are allowed to feel. And when your child is upset or frustrated, try saying to yourself, It's okay [00:15:00] for them to feel this way. 

I'm here to support. Not to control or fix. Repeating this even mentally reinforces the idea that their emotions are part of their experience and that our role is simply to support them. We don't have to take on their emotions as if they're our own. Using these tools self-awareness mindful breathing and positive. 

Self-talk. Helps create that crucial boundary. With practice. We can learn to respond with calmness and empathy without absorbing their emotions. And over time, these boundaries allow us to show up for our kids in a way that's healthier for us. And more empowering for them. Because ultimately we want them to know it's okay to experience big emotions and that they have the strength. To handle them with our support. 

So now that we have some tools for setting any emotional boundary, let's talk about how to stay [00:16:00] empathetic and connected without crossing that boundary. 

How can we be fully present and supportive for our kids? While protecting our own emotional wellbeing. The first technique is, and if you're watching this on video, you would see me put quotes around listening without jumping to solutions. Sometimes when our kids are upset. Our first instinct is to solve the problem right away. 

We want to fix it. So that they feel better. But often what they really need is for us to just listen. This can mean sitting with them and saying something like I can see, you're really frustrated right now. Or it sounds like you're feeling really sad. By acknowledging these emotions, we're showing empathy and validating their experience without necessarily trying to change it. This simple act of listening and validating, lets them know that we're there, that we care [00:17:00] and that it's okay to feel what they're feeling. 

Another approach that goes hand in hand with listening is the idea of being a mirror. And not a sponge. When we're a sponge, we absorbed their emotions. If they're angry, then we start feeling anxious. If they're sad. We feel a heavy weight to. But when we act as a mirror, We reflect their feelings back to them. 

Calmly showing that we understand. But without taking those feelings on ourselves. For example, if your child says I'm so mad because I lost the game. You might say, it sounds like you're feeling really disappointed. I get it. It's hard to lose when you put in so much effort. In that response, you're showing empathy and understanding, but you're not absorbing that disappointment or frustration yourself. 

You're simply holding space for them to express it. And sometimes maintaining that [00:18:00] boundary means setting physical or mental distance when needed. Let's say your child is having a really big emotion, like an intense meltdown, and it's starting to feel overwhelming. In those moments, it's perfectly okay to take a step back literally or mentally. This can mean giving them a bit of space, if they're safe and able to handle it. Or even taking a quick moment to ground yourself. You might step into another room for a deep breath or simply take a mental step back by reminding yourself. they're having a big feeling right now and that's okay. 

I don't have to join them in that feeling. Creating this distance can help you stay calm and present without getting overwhelmed. It doesn't mean that you're not there for them. It just means you're giving yourself the room. You need to be able to respond rather than react. So remember by listening, without jumping into solve, being a mirror, rather than a sponge and getting a bit of distance when needed. We're able to stay [00:19:00] compassionate and empathetic without absorbing their emotions. This approach not only supports their emotional growth, but also protects our own energy, allowing us to show up for them with calmness and clarity. 

We can be there for our kids without getting lost in their emotions, which is a gift to both them. And to ourselves. As we talk about setting emotional boundaries and staying present without absorbing our kids' emotions. 

There's one more piece. That's just as important. Modeling healthy, emotional responses. Kids learn a lot about managing their own feelings by watching how we handle ours. When they see us responding to emotions in a balanced way, it sends the message that they can experience and manage their feelings without letting those emotions completely take over. Let's break this down. Imagine your child is having a rough day. 

Maybe they're really upset [00:20:00] about something. And as their parent. It's natural to want to stay calm and supportive. When we stay calm ourselves. Even if we're feeling frustrated or tired, we're showing them what it looks like to self-regulate. By keeping our cool remodeling, a calm, steady presence, which gives them a sense of security and shows them that big emotions don't have to create chaos. They see in real time, what it looks like to experience emotions. Without letting those emotions. control us. Another powerful way to model healthy responses is to talk. Openly about how we manage our own feelings. I struggle, especially with this one. But if you've had a frustrating day, you might say something like, I feel, I felt really frustrated earlier because things weren't going as planned. But I took a break. And now I feel a lot better. [00:21:00] Simple statements like the show, your kids, that it's normal to feel all kinds of emotions and that there's positive ways to cope. They learn that it's okay to feel frustrated, sad, or upset, and they see practical ways to handle those emotions. When we're honest about our own emotional experiences, we're giving our kids tools that they can use. We're teaching them that they too can step back, take a break or use. a strategy to feel better. 

It's one of the best gifts that we can give them really, especially in a world where emotions can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming. So remember when you stay calm and open about managing your emotions, you're teaching them resilience. You're showing them it's possible to feel and experience emotions without being ruled by them. And as they watch you handle your own emotions, you're building the foundation for managing the emotions, their emotions in healthy ways to. As we wrap up our discussion on healthy, emotional detachment. 

Let's take a moment to look [00:22:00] at the real lasting benefits that this approach brings both for us as moms and for our children. First healthy detachment is a game changer for our own wellbeing. When we learn to set emotional boundaries, we give ourselves the space to stay calm and centered. Even when our kids are dealing with big emotions. This kind of calm. 

Doesn't just help us in the moment. It also helps us to avoid the emotional burnout that can come from constantly absorbing others feelings. By letting go of the needs to fix or control every mood. We create a little breathing room for ourselves. It allows us to be present and engaged without feeling drained or overwhelmed. Bye every emotional twist and turn. In other words, healthy detachment lets us support our kids while still taking care of ourselves. And there's a ripple effect for our kids too. When we practice healthy detachment, we're helping them build critical life skills like resilience and [00:23:00] independence. They learn that it's okay to feel frustrated, sad, or angry. And that they have the inner resources to handle these emotions on their own. Over time. This builds emotional regulation. The ability to manage and work through feelings instead of being controlled by them. 

This is a important skill for them to carry into adulthood. Healthy detachment also fosters confidence when we step back. And let them manage their emotions. We're sending the message that we believe in their ability to handle life's up and down ups and downs. It empowers them to trust their own judgment. And to find their own strategies for coping. They start to see themselves as capable and strong. And that self-confidence becomes a foundation that they can lean on throughout their lives. So as you practice healthy detachment, remember that you're not just helping yourself. 

You're also giving your [00:24:00] kids. The tools to become resilient. Self-assured. And emotionally healthy individuals. Uh, by letting go of control over their moods. You're actually strengthening their ability to thrive. It's a win-win. It helps you stay balanced and gives your kids the confidence. To navigate their own emotional worlds. Now are you ready to connect with other recovering supermoms? 

Come join our moms Without Capes Facebook community. It's a supportive space where we share, learn, and grow together. You'll find fun events. Like our five day self care challenge, casual conversations. Our monthly virtual meetup, where we chat about topics relevant to mom life. And lots of engaging conversations with other women who have lost themselves, trying to be supermoms. You'll get the accountability and support you need on your journey to finding the way [00:25:00] back to yourself. Click the link in the show notes of today's episode to join us. 

We can't wait to welcome you into the group. And thanks for listening to this episode of moms without capes. As you learn from listening, you absolutely can set healthy, emotional boundaries with your children, allowing you to stay supportive and empathetic without sacrificing your own sense of peace and identity. Remember you are 100% responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilots, slow down. 

Check in with yourself. And please above all take care of yourself. Because you, my friend are worth it.