236 | Breaking Free: How to Escape the Exhausting Caretaking Cycle

Dive into the exhausting cycle of overextending yourself in the name of caretaking. Many moms feel stuck in a loop of giving and giving without ever replenishing their own energy. If you've ever felt emotionally drained, resentful, or guilty for taking time for yourself, this episode is for you. Learn how to recognize the caretaking cycle, understand why it happens, and discover five practical steps to break free and reclaim your power.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• What the caretaking cycle is and why it leaves moms feeling overwhelmed.
• How societal pressures and personal beliefs contribute to overextending yourself.
• Key signs that you might be stuck in the caretaking cycle.
• Five actionable steps to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and involve your family in sharing the load.

To schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if therapy could help with your journey, go to www.momswithoutcapes.com/start (This is for moms who live in Montana ONLY)

Transcript

Catetaking Cycle
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[00:00:00] Have you ever felt like you're constantly pouring from an empty cup? Like you're running on fumes because you're always taking care of everyone, but leaving no time or energy to care for yourself. If the answer is yes, then this episode is for you. Today, we're diving into the exhausting cycle. Of overextending ourselves in the name of care-taking, we'll talk about how this cycle keeps us feeling overwhelmed and stuck, and more importantly, how to break free so that we can move from feeling drained to truly empowered. Welcome to moms without capes the podcast where you'll get practical solutions. For reclaiming your identity beyond motherhood. I'm Onnie, a licensed therapist, a mom of six, who knows firsthand the overwhelm of putting everyone else first. I've always dreamed of being a mom and I absolutely love my kids. 

They are my world. But for years, I felt overwhelmed. Unappreciated. And buried under an [00:01:00] endless to do list. I realized that I had put all of my other dreams on hold. Believing that being a mom meant sacrificing the parts of me that brought joy and fulfillment. It took time. But I discovered that I didn't have to choose. I could love my kids deeply. While still pursuing my own passions and dreams. I could be more than a mom. A woman who thrives in her own right. Finding joy in the things that make me. Me. And here's where I want you to know. You can too. I'm here to help you hang up the supermom Cape and embrace a more balanced, joyful life. This is mom's without capes. By the end of our conversation today, you'll know how to identify where you might be. 

Overextending yourself. You'll walk away with practical steps to set boundaries. Reclaim your time and prioritize yourself [00:02:00] without guilt. At the end of the episode, I'll share how you can get your hands on a free resource that will help you reclaim your sense of self beyond motherhood by lightening the mental and physical loads you are carrying. So grab a cup of coffee. Put your feet up. If you can, and let's chat about what it takes to break out of the caretaking cycle and finally make space for you. 

I want to start. By this cliche quote, you can't pour from an empty cup. 

We know this. 

But it doesn't stop us from continually trying to do 

too often. We give and give. Yet we're never replenishing ourselves. We're never pouring back into that proverbial cup. To actually have something to give. And so we're scraping from the bottom of the cup, giving everyone what we [00:03:00] think is. Good stuff but it's not because we are not doing anything. 

That's replenishing our cup or restoring us. So that we have more to give. When we think of self care. 

We think it's just adding more to our to-do list, but in essence, Self-care is those activities that we do to replenish ourselves so that we have more of ourselves to give it makes us more energetic and more productive. And it gives back to us what we need so that we can give more care to others, to the ones that we love. 

There were many years. January 1st, made 25 years. So our oldest daughter just turned 25. So I've been a mom for 25 years. And the first 10 years that I was a mom. Let's say even the first 12 years. I was completely [00:04:00] stuck. In the state of mind or the mindset where. I thought I had to sacrifice myself and the things that I love to do. Pre-baby. 

To pursue motherhood, 

to be the best mom that I could be. So I put a lot of those things that I once loved. On the shelf. Thinking I'll get back to it. But. Life had different plans. And I continue to have kids. As we have six children. I went on to have six kids. And here I am still in the very much the thick of motherhood. 

Our youngest is 10. Eventually, even if it took me 12 years, I gave myself permission. To pull those things off the shelf. And try new things, add new things to my toy box, as it were. I started giving myself permission to have fun. I realized that I had to be the one to [00:05:00] make myself happy. 

Nobody else had that. 

Power. So I had to recognize that I was the one that was holding him power. I was the one that was keeping myself trapped. In this feeling of not being able to do things that I wanted to do. In spite of or in lieu of. Having everyone else letting everyone else do what they love. So that your can't pour from an empty cup. It's cliche. Because it's true. We cannot pour from an empty cup. until you recognize that you have the power to pour it into your own copy, you are the only one that has that power. 

You're not giving others the best of you. Or the world the best of you. So in this episode, We're going to do three things. I want to share with you. How to recognize if you're stuck in that caretaking cycle. What are some areas that you may be [00:06:00] overextending yourself? I want you to walk away with more understanding of that caretaking cycle and why you are overextending yourself. It served a purpose up until now, if it didn't, you wouldn't be doing it. I want you to recognize and understand what that cycle is. So that you will know how to break free from that cycle. And then finally most important. 

I'm going to share with you some practical steps to reclaim the balance and. Get back your power. 

the first thing is what is the caretaking cycle? The caretaking cycle is over-giving to meet other people's needs while ignoring your own. It's putting other people's needs above your own and not recognizing that you yourself have needs that need to be fulfilled. This caretaking cycle, we get trapped in because it's driven by guilt. 

We feel guilty for doing those things that bring us joy or doing those things that might be [00:07:00] fun, or that don't directly revolve around taking care of our family. Like you, I wanted to be a mom for a really long time. That was my childhood dream. maybe found yourself as a mom and whether you love it or hate it. 

the truth is we are here. We are moms and I wanted to be a mom from as long as I remember, like when I played with baby dolls. I threw myself into that role. 

So much that to do anything else. Aside from taking care of my family. Brought up a lot of feelings of guilt. I felt guilty for wanting to go I even felt guilty for wanting to go for a walk because I thought. I should be totally fulfilled. 

Serving my family. Which is ridiculous now that I think about it. But at that time it was real for me. I really did feel guilty about doing anything like it. There were times. That I did go out with friends. I [00:08:00] belong to an awesome moms club. Back when I lived in PA that moms club had a monthly mom's night out that I would go to, I would look forward to it. But again, it revolved around my role as a mom and the rest of the time. 

Except for that mom's night out. my job was to take care of my family. I always looked forward to that mom's night out because it was almost like a reason as if I needed a reason. To go out and just. Be me, outside of my role as a mom. So it's not that I didn't do those things. It was just the guilt that came with doing it. There's also this societal pressure. That could keep us in that care-taking cycle. As a society, moms are celebrated. 

It's oh, you've got your hands full. I don't know how you do it. Moms or super women and all of these things that. Just under my skin because I'm like, no, we are [00:09:00] human. We are people too. We have needs, stop acting like we, are doing it all because we're doing it all. 

At the expense of our needs. Many of us are falling apart inside trying to appear. That we have it all together. So there's the societal pressure. And then there's this fear of being seen as selfish. Self care. Is the complete opposite of selfish. But so many of us, myself included. Used to think of self-care as being selfish. 

Like how could I turn the attention on myself? How could I put my needs? not even above others, but as equal to others I am. The mom, right before I hit record on this episode. I watched this video. I watched the Saturday night live video that one of my friends posted for Christmas, and it was a skit where the mom got. The kids were and the husband. 

Were [00:10:00] raving all about the presents, like CD players and albums and probably not CD player. 

We're talking to where this is 2025 here. Like I phone and drum set and all of these fun gifts. And the mom has a robe. And. It goes on and on all of the gifts and like the stocking, how the mom didn't get anything in her stocky. And everybody else got all these things cause the mom is typically responsible for creating the Christmas magic. And so it was the Saturday night live skit. 

So of course it's supposed to be funny. And I was reading the comments and, people are like, oh, I'm still laughing about this, I went to share it and I was like, I really want to share this. it's funny, but it's not funny because. There was part of me that was just like, this is so sad. That is so sad that so many people are relating to this idea of everybody else. It's mom's job to create the magic. 

And then everybody is Laughing at it, but it's really a sad state. Of the [00:11:00] world. The mom's standing there in this like robe and everybody else's getting all of these guests. No, I'm not talking about like the materialistic piece of Christmas That's beside the point. The point is Moms have needs too. I don't want to perpetuate this Idea of. 

Mom's not having needs, So in the end, I ended up not sharing it. I did chuckle, but I also felt sad at the same time. 

How do you recognize if you are indeed stuck in the caretaking cycle? And I think I'm going to use caretaking, if I've said caregiving. it goes. Back and forth between caregiving and caretaking. But how do you recognize, what are the signs that you might be stuck in the cycle? One is feeling resentful or emotionally exhausted. This was a huge sign for me. 

Aye. I just remember feeling so resentful of my [00:12:00] husband, especially because he seemed to have this freedom. he would come and go. And nobody seemed to care. I remember feeling Jealous and resentful and envious of like, how is he able to just come and go? 

And. Nobody raised a fuss. Nobody made him feel guilty. He didn't seem to feel guilty at all. It just built up a lot of resentment in me. I had a lot of emotions that I was managing. that's the thing when you're managing emotions and feeling a lot. 

Not expressing them, bottling them up. That takes a lot of energy to do so it comes out as feeling that emotional exhaustion and even some physical exhaustion to the point of even a nap, isn't going to suffice. it takes a lot of work. To bottle up emotions rather than finding ways to actually. [00:13:00] Express them in healthy ways. 

You may see that you have difficulty saying no to others, even at your own expense, like you are putting other people's needs. Above your own. Whether it's their happiness. Or there's comfort. 

To the point of you are going out of your way to make sure that you are, it doesn't matter if you're comfortable or not. 

As long as that other person is happy and all taken care of. That's a sign that you're stuck in the cycle. 

And then over identifying with your role as the caregiver. I was also doing this. I wore my mom batch. Loud and proud. I was a mom. That was my only role. Of course, I was a wife as well, and a daughter and a sister and a friend But. That role of mom. And All that came with it. 

My whole identity [00:14:00] was wrapped up. In me being a mom. 

I want it to be seen. As a good mom. But I never sat down to define what does a good mom actually look like? 

Go back and listen to episode 205. Where I talk about redefining what it means to be a good mom. 

To me. A good mom used to be a moving target. I used to compare myself to other moms that I would see on social media. Or on television, leave it to beaver type of Joan. Cleaver types of personas, it's dating myself. If you're a younger mom, you may not get that reference. It was like having. 

The perfect dinner on the table, having all the laundry done, I was homeschooling my kids at the time. So it was, making sure that they were learning what [00:15:00] they needed to learn. a lot of pressure, not only on them, but on me too. Create to curate this perfect experience for them. 

And as we all know, life is not perfect. it caused a lot of stress because I was continually battling against the imperfection of life. But I was determined because my identity was completely wrapped up in my identity as a mom. That came at an expense, which was my mental health was started to decline. Am I relationships as well, because as you imagine, it's talking about that resentment that I felt it caused a wedge between my husband and I. Because I resented him. 

If you are unsure of how exactly do you define a good mom? What are you, what is your target? What are your expectations of yourself? And really getting clear on. Are they [00:16:00] realistic? Or do they need to be adjusted? Sometimes we have this fear of disappointing others. Or losing control. And so we hold on tighter and. Try to. Get more control, become control, freaks. Because of this underlying fear of. Disappointing others. Or not measuring up. 

Why do we overextend? 

I mentioned. societal pressure. This is like this, these societal expectations that exist are cultural expectations of the supermom and that supermom myth. Really sets these unrealistic standards. That we are aiming for that. Just. Aren't realistic. recognizing that. The supermom. Is. 

We are human. Therefore, we [00:17:00] need to give ourselves compassion and recognize our own humanity. 

being okay. With our imperfections, because that is what makes us unique. That's what makes you, you are your imperfections and when you are aiming to. Have the perfect. Curated. Experience for your family or For those you love. You are denying your own humanity and you're not allowing your, it's almost like you're holding up this mask. And not allowing others to see the true authentic you. 

You may be stuck in the cycle. Because of personal conditioning, like beliefs that you have formed or that you've inherited through the years. Most likely from when you were young. Watching your own mom. And doing the things that you've seen her do, or that maybe you didn't experience. Having a mom who did these things. 

And so you decide that you are going to do these things so that [00:18:00] you're not emulating your mother or Going against what you learned watching your mother or your grandmother or the maternal figure in your life. So if grew up with a mom, Who sacrificed everything. And you had a really good childhood. You might learn what's required of a good mom But I want you to expand that view. And question do you know, good moms? That have not sacrificed everything. 

That's still maintained a sense of identity that maintained a sense of self. And still was an excellent mother. 

So being aware of what are you believing? About moms, about motherhood. Or about your role as a mom? may need to shift. 

Look at where you are finding worth. If your worth is completely tied to being a mom. Or how productive you are. what [00:19:00] are you tying your worth to? Because this may in fact, be reinforcing the cycle. So recognizing. Start shifting that belief. To a point of you are worthy. In and of yourself because you are you 

It's not because of what you do. It's not your to-do list. who you know, Or what roles you play? You. Have inherent worth. Because you are, you. 

I want to share with you some practical steps. To get your power back. And break free from the care taking cycle. 

The first one. Is to audit to your responsibilities. We wear so many hats. 

I want you to sit down and list. What daily. or weekly tasks. You. are doing. identify the areas where you're doing too [00:20:00] much. 

Take a look at what you can delegate. What you can eliminate what you can automate. Maybe what you can procrastinate. 

What do you need to let go of? 

Doing this on a seasonal basis, maybe every quarter or even every year seasons change. But sometimes we get stuck in doing the same things out of habit. 

taking an audit and really taking an honest look at all of the tasks that you do. And saying, what can I let go of for this season? What can I shelve? Or what can I take off my plate? 

Because awareness is key. being aware of what you're actually putting your energy and your time to. You need to be aware so that you can. Assess it. And change it. 

Step number two is setting boundaries with love and clarity. 

Boundaries are a good thing. 

I've done. Lots of episodes [00:21:00] about boundaries. The latest one, I think is episode 2 21, which is overcoming mom guilt setting boundaries without feeling guilty. 

Boundaries. R. 

Essential. For our relationships. 

They are the invisible line where I end. And you begin. 

We need boundaries. But often when we think of setting boundaries, We think we're being mean. Thinking that. We shouldn't create boundaries between our kids and us. Actually, I did an episode even more recent. About setting boundaries with our kids. 

How does that emotional boundaries with your kids? That's episode two 30. That's only six episodes ago. I've done a lot of episodes about boundaries. But we often think that setting boundaries is bad. When in fact are essential for our [00:22:00] relationships. 

Here's an example of setting a clear and direct boundary, which by the way, clear is kind when it comes to boundaries. I need 30 minutes of uninterrupted time after dinner. One that's recognizing what it is that you need. Too often we assume others know what we need. And so we don't say anything. And then we end up feeling frustrated. Or even angry because that other person didn't give us what we needed. I had an example just earlier today. 

I wanted to go. To the Y. I wanted to go work out. And on Tuesdays. I my whole afternoon is spelled I go to Toastmasters at 12. 

I saw clients this morning. then I went to Toastmasters at 12. And then at 1 31, I go pick up my 18 year old daughter. And we go to counseling. At one 30. And then [00:23:00] at two 30. After counseling, I dropped her back off at school. sometimes we work out together. today I got done a little bit late. it was a good session. 

I go to a Christian therapist and so we ran over a little bit of time cause we prayed together. And then as I was leaving, it was already quartered to. the school's right around the corner and I have to pee. I told my husband this morning that I would pick up our youngest two from the bus. they go to the high school. I drove her out to the high school and it was already. Like 10 of three. 

I'm like, there's no way. The bus comes at three 30. there's no way that I'm going to make it to the Y get changed. Get a workout in and then make it back to the school. In time to pick them up at three 30. So I drove, dropped my daughter off and then I ran around the block because there was no spots in the parking lot. And I parked on a side street and called him. Guys just because I talk about this stuff, I still struggle as well. 

There's still times where I don't [00:24:00] practice that boundary thing. I struggle with expressing my emotions because for so many years, I didn't express my emotion. So even though I know the skill and for the most part, I do use it. There are times that I don't. So I pulled around the corner and I called him and I was in a bad mood. 

I was mad because. I had planned to go to the gym and because everything got pushed around, I didn't end up going. And my new year's resolution. One of them is to get in better health and to continue the habits that I started. I usually go about three times a week. 

So I had it set that I was going to go today on Tuesday because that's usually what I do. I called him up and I said, what are you doing? And he said, he was working on his computer doing some paperwork, which by the way, he's going back to school, which is pretty exciting. In the fall of this next year. he was getting some paperwork. 

I immediately thought that's [00:25:00] important, and that's more important than my need to go to the gym In my mind, I was really hoping that he would just offer it. You want me to just come get the kids so that you can go to the gym, but he doesn't know that. I said this morning, Like I said earlier in the day, that was my plan. 

He doesn't remember that. in retrospect, I really should have said Hey, do you mind coming and getting the girls so that I can go to the gym because things ran over and. I don't have time. If I go now, I only have 15 minutes, so it's not even worth it, but I really would like to work out today. That's in retrospect. That didn't happen. Instead I got mad, and then he started talking about. Leaving for the weekend that he was trying to go earlier and all of those things. 

And I felt myself to the point that he even cried a little bit, because I just felt so frustrated inside. And then finally he was like, do you want me to just come? He offered. And I was like, Silence because I was like, do I want him to, I still questioned that. In the [00:26:00] end. 

I said, yes, that's actually what I would like. And so he's like, all right, I'll get my shoes on and come up. It takes them 10 minutes to get to the school. And I went onto the Y had a great workouts. And then I ended up coming here and recording this episode. that's just to say. Expressing what you need. Is important. Recognizing what you need is important in order to ask for what you need. The thoughts that went through my mind. As this was unfolding. We're thoughts such as. What he's doing is more important than what I want to do. He even told me. You need to talk to your therapist. About your quest to be independent. Because that is part of it. Like I have this thing in my head I don't need him. Because there's so many times that I have to do things by myself because he travels and [00:27:00] he does things. That. I struggled to rely on him. So when he is available for me to rely on I struggled to even ask him. For things, because I feel that. Maybe undeserving or maybe I feel like there are times when I do need to rely on you and you're not available. so those times that. he is available, I hold back from asking him. 

Setting clear boundaries. Is helpful in the relationship. Because it allows you to. Express what you need. And lets the other person know. What you need as well. Step three is practice saying no without guilt. when you are feeling guilty, Take time to reflect on what thoughts are fueling. That guilt. One thing I've learned about saying no. Is if a request [00:28:00] is made. Saying I'll sleep on it. And get back to you. Gives me space between the request and my reply. That I can use. To think about it more. To maybe write out a response to practice it, to talk to somebody about, do I really want to do this request? Am I the best person to do this? Coming up with almost a script. To present to the person. Can allow me to feel. Not guilty because I've done the research. Like I've done the research, I've done the work. Step four is prioritizing self care on apologetically back to the very beginning of this episode, where we talked about. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Engaging in small daily actions that refuel your energy. This is everybody's is different. Your list is going to look different than mine. But some [00:29:00] common practices may include journaling. Taking a walk. Reading. Praying. Working out. Sitting in silence and just focusing on your breath. Doing some meditations. Talking with a friend. These are all self care practices. That refuel your energy. That's why everyone does different things. My recommendation is. make a list of five things, five quick. 10 minute activities. That you can do and then choose in the morning. What am I going to do today to take care of my body or my soul or my emotions, or stimulate my mind. 

Go with the five pillars of self-care. And just choose one and be intentional about doing that one thing for that day. That's going to refill your cup. And then step [00:30:00] number five is involve your family. Communicate your needs and model healthy habits. I did not do good with communicating my needs this afternoon. But I recognize it and I'm going to learn from it. You can involve your family with the tasks that it takes to run your household. The fair play system is an excellent way. To help get your family members on board to show them what it takes to run a house. And then letting each person own different tasks so that it is not falling all on you. Our jobs as moms is to work ourselves out of a job so that we're not. Taking care of our 35 year old children. Correct. teaching them that they can take care of themselves. Is going to pay you back in dividends. So involving your family is so important. Again, it is not [00:31:00] selfish to prioritize your needs. It's essential. I'm going to leave you. With an empowering mantra. Taking care of me makes me a better caregiver for others. Often self care feels selfish. Because of the lens that you are looking at it through. But ultimately. If what it takes. For you to start practicing self care is to look at how it's going to benefit others. Then using this mantra. May help you get out of the care taking cycle. Repeat after me. Taking care of me. Makes me. a better caregiver for others. Write it down, put it on a post-it put it on your. Steering wheel. Or your bathroom mirror so that you can look at it and remind yourself. [00:32:00] That self care is not selfish. it is essential. So just to do a quick recap of what we talked about today. I hope that you can recognize when you are overextending yourself. Understand the caretaking cycle. And take the recommended five practical steps. To get your power back and break free from the cycle. What is one thing that you will stop doing this week to make room for yourself? I would love to hear what you have to say. To this question. Jump into the moms without Cape Facebook group and let us know. What's one thing that you're going to stop doing this week. To make room for yourself. if you found any value in today's episode, I invite you to share this episode, with another mom. [00:33:00] Who may need to hear this message. I also want to give you an awesome resource, something that's going to help you on your way to reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood. Making space for self care, hobbies and fun is impossible. When you're carrying the full load of domestic labor. Having a, to do list that runs a mile long and doing it all yourself can lead straight to burnout and can be devastating to your health and your relationships. I created a guide that will walk you through how to share the load. 

It includes conversation starters Tips for managing expectations. And practical strategies for redistributing household and childcare tasks. Grab your guide today by visiting moms@thatcape.com. Backslash share the load or click the link in the show notes of today's episode. Thanks for listening to this episode. of moms without capes. As you learned from listening, recognizing, and [00:34:00] breaking free from the care-taking cycle. Makes you a better caregiver for others. And allows you space to be fully, you. 

Remember you are 100% responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot, slow down, check in with yourself and please above all take care of yourself because you. my friend are worth it.