238 | The Invisible Mom: How to Feel Seen and Valued Again

Do you ever feel like all the effort you put into running your household and caring for your family goes completely unnoticed? Like you’re juggling a million tasks, but no one truly sees everything you do? In this episode of the Moms Without Capes Podcast, we dive deep into why so many moms feel invisible and unappreciated—and, more importantly, how to reclaim your sense of value and respect within your family.

Join me as I share my own journey of breaking free from the "supermom" cycle, learning to set boundaries, and making space for myself without guilt. We’ll talk about practical steps to help you shift the dynamic at home, communicate your needs effectively, and stop feeling like you’re fading into the background.

Transcript

Invisible Mom
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[00:00:00] Have you ever felt like the walls of your home? See you more than your family does? Like you're running on empty. 

Juggling a million tasks, but no one even notices or says, thank you. It's not just in your head. So many moms feel invisible, like all the love, energy, and effort they pour into their families goes unnoticed. Today. We're taking a deep dive into why moms often feel unappreciated and overlooked, and more importantly, what you can do to change that dynamic. We'll talk about how to make your family, see the magic that you bring into their lives every single day, and how to reconnect with your own sense of worth. Because being a mom doesn't mean fading into the background. It's time for you to feel seen, valued and respected again. So stick with me 

for those of you who don't know, I'm Onnie, a mental health therapist and mom of six. Who is passionate [00:01:00] about helping you let go of the supermom hustle. And carve out space for yourself in the chaos of motherhood. It is time to put you back on the priority list. This is mom's without capes. Before we dive into today's episode. 

I want to encourage you to stay until the end, as I'll be sharing a cool resource I created to help you lighten the heavy mental load of motherhood. The share the load guide is your go-to tool. To have a much needed conversation with your partner about all it takes to run a home and raise children. Plus I'll give you some ideas about how to make space for things that bring you joy. Stay tuned to find out how to get your hands on this amazing resource. Let's dive into today's episode. 

Why do so many moms feel invisible and unappreciated? We're going to talk about why this happens. And more importantly, how to [00:02:00] shift this dynamic. I've been a mom. For over 25 years now, which is so crazy to say. 

Our oldest daughter just turned 25 January 1st, 2000. Yes, she was one of the first babies born. In the new millennium, and so she just turned 25. I'm recording this episode. The week of January 21st. It's just so crazy to think about that. 

I've been a mom for so long we waited every three to four years to have kids. So we have a 25 year old. 

We have this one always brings a little bit of not a little bit brings tears to my eyes to say. A would be 21 year old. A few episodes ago, I shared about what happened with our 21 year old. And then I have twin 18 year olds. 15 year old, who just turned 15 a week ago. And a [00:03:00] 10-year old. the thing with having kids. Every four years apart. Is that I have been a mom for a really long time, and I'm still very much in the thick of it. And I'm tired, man. I'm tired, which is why I started this whole moms without capes movement. 

Because for the first, I would say 12 to 15 years of being a mom. Aye. Try to be a supermom and. 

I just remember feeling. So often. unseen. it perpetuated the whole supermom. Cycle where I thought I had to do more and more. But the more I did, the more I felt unappreciated and unseen for all that I was doing. 

But I've broken out of that cycle. I have learned to hang up my Cape. And recognize when [00:04:00] I still need to hang up the Cape at times I am not perfect by any means. There are times where I get stuck in that cycle of thinking, I need to do it all. And. Reenter into that whole. Chaos that comes from it. 

But I learned to recognize it. And I do really believe that awareness is key and recognizing when I am entering into that cycle, when I am trying to take on way more than necessary. 

has helped improve my mental health as well as my physical health Allowed me space to focus on my priorities, my family, and my relationships, my marriage, all of those things that are really important. But when I was in the midst of trying to do it all. I wasn't able to. Focus on the big picture and what really needed to happen or what I wanted or needed to [00:05:00] happen. I am at a place now where I feel that I can help you. And other moms reclaim your value and respect within your families because I've figured out how to do that within my own family. So that I'm not feeling unseen. Or unappreciated. I'm not engaging in passive aggressive behaviors, 

That was how I felt. I needed to be. In order to. Have my family see me. I've learned to be more assertive with my needs, set clearer boundaries. And share my feelings. That was a big part of it. And while I'm not a hundred percent there, I am a long way from where I started. 

So why do we feel invisible? Much of what we carry. Is invisible. It's the invisible labor of the household. [00:06:00] scheduling. meal planning. emotional support. All of the hats that we wear. We are a teacher we're nurse. We are the chauffer, the chaperone, the project manager. Right? 

All of these tasks are invisible. 

And so often we're performing so many of this. Load. 

That our family doesn't see. It goes unnoticed and can often be taken for granted by our family. this perpetuates the feeling of being invisible, when so much of what we do. Is indeed invisible. When we're stuck trying to be supermom. 

We're trying to do everything. The belief of not being enough. Because it is unrealistic. To be doing everything. There is so much that needs to get done. [00:07:00] In. the life of a family. when one person is taking on the majority of the load, 

It can lead to feeling. Unacknowledged or unrecognized for all that we are doing. There are cultural and societal expectations. That we are trying to meet when we are engaging in supermom behaviors. That are unrealistic. Let's just put it on the table and call it what it is. We will. Wrap our identity around our role as a mom. And what happens is we end up prioritizing. Everyone else's needs. Above our own. Ultimately causing us to lose touch with our own identity outside of motherhood. 

We get so wrapped up. 

In trying to [00:08:00] be a good mom. Without stopping. To question. What does a good mom? Look like. What is a good mom? we have these expectations in our minds. 

And work on autopilot trying to meet those expectations without actually questioning if those expectations are serving us or our family. There are a few things that we need to do in order to shift this narrative. To go from feeling unseen and unvalued. To feeling seen and valued. 

One is by reframing your role. What I mean by this is shifting your mindset from doing it all. To being a leader in your home. This might feel. [00:09:00] A little nuanced, especially if you are a Christian. And. Under that mindset. 

The man needs to be the leader of the family or the household. You too. Are called to be a leader. Think of the leaders. you may have come in contact with, through your life, whether you were in girl Scouts and had a girl scout leader, or you. Work outside of the home and have a boss. Or Team leader. Leaders do not do it all. They know what is most important? 

They delegate. They allow team members to step up. engage and feel like part of the team. Rather than doing it all. Or thinking that you need to be the person to do it [00:10:00] all. 

Reframing your role. As that. Mom, who does everything? Taking care of everyone's needs, making sure everyone is happy. 

Make the shift to seeing yourself as a leader. In your home. 

Communicate the value of what you bring to your family. You bring so much to your family. And again, so much of that is invisible. So one step may be talking more about. What it is that you do? Bringing the invisible. And making it visible. Through conversations with your partner. With your family. Allowing them to see. What it is that you do? Not in a passive aggressive way. 

We all know that you may be doing the dishes every night, but when you are tired of doing that, [00:11:00] Putting them all in the corner or doing them noisily or making sure that everybody knows that you're doing this. Because how dare they rest? 

This may or may not. Resonate with you. And if it doesn't then awesome. But if it does. I want you to just take a step back. And see what double standard are you holding yourself to? Because you can rest as well. Which way are you communicating? With your family. About the things that you need. You cannot assume that your family knows what you need. If you yourself do not know it is super important. To ask yourself what it is that you need. Check in with yourself. What are you feeling? What do you need? And then learning to effectively communicate. That. To the other people in your family. [00:12:00] It is also important. To set boundaries and delegate. 

Share the load. 

The fair play system is a great tool to help you create more equity. In the tasks and in that invisible load. Of what it takes to manage a household, raise children. Do the everyday tasks that it takes to run smoothly. If this is the first time that you're hearing about Fairplay system. Check out the book. It's a book by Eve. Rodsky called Fairplay. She also wrote Unicorn space. Which is about making space. For doing the things that make you. She stresses creativity. Engaging in creative activities, but maybe you don't consider yourself creative for the same reason. I, at one point I did as well, because I [00:13:00] thought being creative. Who has time for that? Who has time to make little doilies, but I had a lot of resentment and jealousy. When it came to seeing my partner and. My kids. Not necessarily my kids, but mostly my partner doing the things that he loved, his unicorn space, hunting, fishing, And I would feel trapped. Why does he get to do those things? 

Doesn't he see all of the things that need to get done around this house? If you're feeling that way. I want you to take a minute and look at. 

What is standing in your way? The answer is probably you. 

You're feeling resentment because you are not giving yourself the space to engage in those activities that make you feel alive. And you might be thinking I can't do that because who is going to do the dishes and the laundry and the homework with the kids and all of those things. [00:14:00] That's why the Fairplay is such a great system, it allows a platform for you and your partner to talk about. 

All of the things it takes to make a household run. Once those things are on the table. you can talk about why do we value a clean house? Why is it important that the kids do homework? 

And allows each partner to be an active contributor to the household. You are actively engaged in your family's life. But I also know you want your partner to care more. It's important to communicate your needs clearly and confidently. But before you do any of that, you need to know what it is that you need. Part of rediscovering your identity. Is to carve out space for personal growth and hobbies. Whether that hobby is creative or not. When you're [00:15:00] so focused on everybody else, you're tying the knots even tighter. When you're not making space. For your own interests. 

Say I'll find time. I'll find time to do this. Mama. You will never find time. you have to be intentional about this. 

It's not just one thing that you can do in order to carve out space. There's things that need to happen. You need to consider yourself important enough to prioritize. Because we make time for the things that we think are important. And you need space to just rest. And the more you invest in yourself. The more others will see and respect you as a whole person. Not just mom. But you need to consider yourself first, before anyone else will consider you worthy. 

It's just a [00:16:00] fact of life, right? you need to love yourself first before anyone else can love you. You need to recognize that you are an important. Part of your life. And start treating yourself as such. When your family members see. How you are treating yourself, they are going to respect you differently. We teach others how to treat us, how to appreciate us. Maybe family meetings will help. Especially if you have older children. engaging in regular family meetings where you lay it on the table. this is what we've got going on this week. What does everyone have going on? How can we make this work? 

How can we be a team here? To get done what needs to get done so that not everything is falling on your plate. 

Giving positive reinforcement. To those who are stepping up. Modeling appreciation by acknowledging your family members [00:17:00] contributions. this encourages an overall culture of gratitude within the family. As leaders, we are also models. And then celebrating small wins, acknowledge your own efforts and celebrate daily successes. No matter how small. Don't let the inner mean girl in. Saying you're not good enough. Because you are good enough and you are worthy of space and time. We don't give ourselves enough credit. We're so focused on what we didn't do or what didn't get done or what we still need to do. 

When really we need to. Look at what we have done. You have done hard things. I guarantee it. Today. In the past month, in the past year in your life. You have done some really hard things. 

Take the time to acknowledge and celebrate. 

All of the wins that you have [00:18:00] experienced. Start a gratitude journal. 

Make a list. I have a piece of paper. At the top. I can do hard things. And each day. Put one thing that you did. It could be graduating college. Getting a promotion. Having kids. that's pretty hard. Not just the fact that you carried little humans in your body. For nine months. But you gave birth. 

You're raising kids. Being a mom is hard. Y'all it is. 

But yet. We persevered and we keep going. That is hard thing. You need to acknowledge that and celebrate it. 

So let's wrap up today's episode. 

Today we recognize the reasons. you may be feeling invisible. 

I shared with you some [00:19:00] practical steps to Regaine the value and respect. Within your family. 

I want to leave you with this affirmation. You are not just a mom. You are the heart of your home. And you deserve to be seen and valued. If you found any value. In today's episode. I encourage you to share it. With another mom. Whether it be one of your kid's friends, moms. Another mom. Who you're waiting with outside of the carpool line. As you're waiting to pick up your kids. 

Mom sitting next to you. while you're waiting for your daughter to be done ballet lessons. 

Or on your social media? Let's spread the love. 

And allow other moms the opportunity to feel seen and valued. For who they [00:20:00] are. 

I want to thank you. in the beginning of this episode, I shared a resource for reclaiming your sense of self beyond motherhood. Making space for self care, hobbies and fun is impossible. When you're carrying the full load of domestic labor. Having a to-do list that runs a mile long and doing it all yourself can lead straight to burnout and can be devastating to your health and relationships. I created a guide that will walk you through how to share the load. It includes conversation starters. Tips for managing expectations and practical strategies for redistributing household and childcare tasks. Grab your today by visiting momswithoutcapes.com backslash share the load. Or click the link in the show notes of today's episode. 

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of moms without capes. If you are feeling invisible [00:21:00] and unappreciated due to the unseen labor that you are performing. 

You hold the power. To rewrite this narrative. And to be seen, not just as a caretaker. But as the strong multifaceted person. That you are. 

Remember you are 100% responsible for your own life. And for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot, slow down and check in with yourself above all. Take care of yourself. Because you, my friend are worth it.