243 | The Paradox of Me-Time: Finding Peace Without the Pressure

You finally get a break—some rare, uninterrupted time to yourself. But instead of feeling free to relax, you feel pressure to use it wisely. Should you tackle your to-do list? Catch up on work? Get ahead on errands? Before you know it, your “me-time” turns into just another thing to optimize—and instead of feeling refreshed, you end up exhausted.

In this episode, we dive into the paradox of me-time and why so many moms struggle to truly rest when they get time alone.

Transcript

Paradox of me-time
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[00:00:00] Have you ever finally gotten a break from taking care of everyone else, only to feel this strange pressure to make the absolute most of that precious solo time? Instead of relaxing, you're trying to squeeze in everything you never get to do. Working late, running errands, tackling that endless to do list.

It's like me time becomes just another thing to check off. Today, we're talking about why so many moms feel this way, and how we can break free from that pressure to reclaim true rest and our sense of self. Because sometimes doing less is exactly what we need. Welcome to moms without capes, the podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity beyond motherhood.

I'm Onnie, a mental health therapist and a mom of six. My goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are [00:01:00] beyond your role as a mom. This is Moms Without Capes. Towards the end of today's episode I'll share with you a fun way to connect with other super moms who are actively working towards getting themselves off the back burner and reclaiming their sense of self.

You'll definitely want to be part of the crew. First, I want to share with you a recent review Moms Without Capes received from JetSea Listen. I listened to episode 236 and it resonated so much. I am very passionate about shining light on the invisible labor that caretaking is and the loads that caretakers carry. The host hits the nail on the head with this episode and I'm so glad that there is another voice speaking up. For the people without capes.

Thank you so much Jitsi for writing a five star review for the show. If you have been listening to [00:02:00] Moms Without Capes for a while and have been getting value, would you please leave a review on either Apple or Spotify? It would allow the show to be shown to more moms and would also mean the world to me.

Now let's talk about the paradox of me time. Last weekend. I got the whole weekend to myself. my 18 year old son was around, but the rest of my family wasn't there. That doesn't happen very often. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the number of times that I've ever been in the house alone.

over the past two years, I would say That number has raised. I've spent more time alone in my house in the last two years than I have in my whole 25 years of being a mom. that's just because my kids were in school, I do some work [00:03:00] from home virtually, I'm able to see some clients on the computer, and the house is just quieter, except for when the dogs are there.

Our dogs are so noisy. last weekend my husband, is building an addition for my in laws in the western part of the state. So he was there working away, doing what he does. My two youngest daughters ended up going with friends My 18 year old daughter. Was in California that left just me and my son at our house. My husband had left on Thursday. The girls left on Friday night and I was struck with this thought of. what the heck am I going to do?

My son was at an open mic night art gala at his school, which meant that he was going to be gone for the majority of the night. I felt like a kid at [00:04:00] the candy shop, so many choices ahead of me, but I just wasn't able to even make a decision.

what can I do that I don't usually get to do on a Friday night? I ended up going to the Y swimming. I really enjoy swimming I usually do it on Saturday morning, but I was like, I'm going to go swimming. And of course the best part is sitting in the sauna afterwards.

That's the part that I look forward to the most. Then I figured I'd do some grocery shopping. our local grocery store gets so crowded on Saturday and Sunday. because I've been really focusing on improving my health and nutrition I've gotten into the habit of going shopping on the weekend to get myself set up with meals for the week.

So I figured on Friday night, why not? I'll go shopping. It wasn't crowded at all. And then on Saturday? I worked on my computer without feeling like I had to jump up every minute with interruptions. So I worked uninterrupted, which was so [00:05:00] nice.

And then that night I went to a fundraising event. I spent some time chatting with my son down in his room throughout the day. And then on Sunday, we went to church and we just hung out. It was so nice and so relaxing, but I had that itch of, Oh my gosh, am I using my time? Because like I said, it's not very often that I get the whole house to myself for an entire weekend.

So I know many of you listeningmaybe thinking

that this episode is irrelevant to you because you've never had a moment to yourself in your house. And I'm telling you for 20 years, I didn't have that. If I wanted to spend time by myself, I was the one who had to leave the house. And it felt amazing to be able to just be in [00:06:00] my house without the chaos that usually comes with everyone being home.

I did my own research for this episode because last weekend I felt the pressure to do all the things. And here we are again. For a second weekend in a row and this time my husband took the girls with him for a long weekend while my daughter's back from California.

And my son will be there. You know how 18 year olds are, they're pretty busy, but they're very independent. So they'll come and go do their thing. I do want to spend some time with them this weekend, of course, but the majority of the time is going to be just me.

I do have some things I wanted to get done for work. I'm working on some trainings and I have to do some computer work. But I also want to have space to just [00:07:00] relax. And not just veg out watching Netflix, but actually have some space just to rest and relax. I want to read a book. Make it back to the gym, do some swimming, sit in the sauna, do the things that I know are going to restore me.

So the goal of today's episode is to help you reclaim your sense of self by reframing solo time and prioritizing rest. You may not get a whole weekend to yourself. But you may be getting 15 minute chunks of time and that is when I want you to recognize that this is not time for you to go do the laundry or meal plan or do those things that are on your to do list,

but to use some of that time to just be,

I know there is so much [00:08:00] pressure. To maximize your me time. I get it. Societal expectations and internalized beliefs can make us feel like we need to be productive at all times. My worth was completely tied to how productive I was. Thinking the more I get done, the more worthy I am.

I felt like I needed to be productive at all times. And in fact, not to do anything in my head meant that I was lazy or that

I didn't have any worth.

We all know where that led me to burnout. I felt so stressed out that I was,

it came out as rage. Depression, anxiety, all of these ways it was impacting my mental health because I thought I had to continue to do more and more. I was stuck in a cycle of feeling [00:09:00] inadequate, like I wasn't measuring up unless I actually was doing something.

The whole idea of just sitting down and meditating or sitting down and doing nothing sounded like torture.

By the time Sunday came around last weekend, I was disappointed in myself that I had wasted all of this me time. Filling it with work,

I ended up giving myself some grace because yes, I did do a lot of work and I did stay up later than I should have. And here's the thing. When my kids are around. I get into bed at night every single night around 10 o'clock and I'm like, Oh, I just need to go to bed earlier.

Every night I feel discouraged because I'm not going to bed earlier [00:10:00] and I blame it on the kids. I can't go to sleep when they're still up I'm afraid the lights are going to be on. Everything's going to be happening in my house. Maybe I have a little bit of FOMO. But I need my kids to actually just be in their room before I retire for the night.

Well, then it ends up being about 10 o'clock at night and I get mad every single night that I'm not holding my own boundaries. So when the kids weren't there, what do you think? I still stayed up. I got into bed at 10 or 1030 and berated myself for it. when I really needed to treat myself with, give myself some grace.

But it did make me realize why am I blaming it on the kids? Why am I saying they're the ones keeping me awake when they weren't there and I still went to bed later than I wanted to?

I know that allowing ourselves to rest and slow [00:11:00] down is the key to reclaiming our sense of self. The idea of rest is actually productive self care. It's a productive act of self care. I know this logically, but knowing it and doing it are two different things. So this weekend I hope to give myself some more compassion.

Allow myself to have pockets of rest

instead of approaching this weekend feeling pressured and these unrealistic expectations that I need to fill it with being productive. I can instead approach it with a sense of curiosity and ease. Maybe it's coming out with a plan. I use time blocks throughout the week for when I'm traveling, for when I'm seeing clients, for the meetings that I [00:12:00] have.

Why not do it as well for the weekend, but include more time for rest, more time for doing the things that are going to restore me. Maybe it is spending a little bit more time in the sauna. Or packing my sneakers and when I go to the pool, maybe spending a little bit of extra time walking the track.

Maybe it's packing my book, heading to a coffee shop, and just letting myself sit with a nice cup of tea while I read. It sounds amazing and it is totally doable. If I take off the pressure. To be productive, to think that I need to accomplish something in order to be worthy.

Three tips for reducing this me time pressure is to set a loose intention for relaxation instead of a [00:13:00] strict to do list.

Maybe when I make those time blocks, I don't. Include what activity I want to do, but instead do a self check in. What do I feel like doing right now? What do I need to recharge or to rest?

Planning one or two things that feel restorative and letting go of the need to do more. Not trying to cram in a massage and a walk and a sauna and Time, like all of these self care activities, and if you were to see me right now, I'm putting that in quotes And the third tip is to reframe rest as productive and valuable self care in itself. It is productive and valuable. We need to rest I just wrapped up our fifth session of the CBT I sleep group, which was all about improving the quantity and quality of sleep. It's a [00:14:00] therapy group that I'm doinghere in my office.

I just did five week group where we focused. on sleep and how to get better sleep. It's vital to get proper sleep for all of the rest of our functioning.

I'm going to leave you with this. It is okay to use your solo time for rest, leisure, or even doing nothing at all.

You are allowed to prioritize your needs and your well being. Now, I mentioned earlier about a fun way to connect with other super moms who are on a similar journey as yours. The Moms Without Capes Facebook group is a community of incredible women who are all learning who they are underneath the super mom cape.

We hold monthly get togethers, motivational challenges and engaging conversations all around self discovery, [00:15:00] self care and self love. Simply search Moms Without Capes on Facebook or check out the show notes of today's episode for the link. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Moms Without Capes.

As you learn from listening, true rest is not a luxury, but an essential part of reclaiming your sense of self. Remember, you are 100 percent responsible for your own life and for creating the joy that you want to feel. Stop living on autopilot, slow down, check in with yourself, and please, above all, take care of yourself because you, my friend, are worth it.