Episode 7 - I Never Thought I'd Let A Man Control Me

Ok...but he's two...and so damn cute!!!

It's half-term, and whether you're hiding in a quiet corner or still rocking through the chaos, this episode is for you. Today, I’m spilling all the tea on how school holidays, toddler tantrums, and my severe lack of time for myself have flipped my life upside down—and how that’s changed my entire approach to beauty, skincare, and motherhood.

In this brutally honest episode, I break down the realities of life with a two-year-old during half-term, from soft play overstimulation to surviving on Miss Rachel and Blippi. I’ll walk you through my personal journey of motherhood and mental chaos, all while juggling my guilt over not doing enough for my son and neglecting my own self-care.

If you’re dealing with toddler tantrums, violent outbursts (yep, that’s happening), and all the mental battles of half-term while also missing your pre-kids self-care routine, tune in for some much-needed validation and realness. I promise, you are not alone—and it's okay to admit this journey is hard. 

By the end of the episode, you'll know why it's okay to not have it all together, and how small acts of self-care—like even washing your face after five days—can help you come back stronger. So let’s dive into the reality of motherhood, beauty, and the balance we’re all trying to find. Grab a glass of wine (or a coffee, depending on your mood), and join me for some laughter, tears, and relatable moments. 

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Transcript

Well, well, well,
look at us surviving half term.
I mean,if it is your half term and it's only Tuesday, my thoughts and prayers are with you. If you've had your half term last week like I have, and you are barely surviving and you're currently rocking in the corner of your bedroom, I promise that's not me, but if you hear some squeaky noises, mind your own damn business. But yeah, half term, we have made it, or we are making it and we are getting through. I mean, it's really not talked about enough, but the mental chaos that half term or holidays in general, can cause, it's actually mind blowing. So as you all probably know, my son is now two. He was two last week, or whenever it was week before, and the terrible twos have hit us like a giant wrecking ball. There's no other way of describing it. So fine. He's two. He still poops his own pants
and needs us to wipe his backside. So
you think cool. He's not going to have much of an attitude. He's not going to really want to do things. And know what's what I could understand if your child was a bit older, you know? Mom,
I want to do this. Dad,
I want to go out,
you know? Oh, I don't want to watch TV. Oh, I
don't want to read a book, whatever, whatever.
I understand that that that makes sense. But to have a little two year old dictator never crossed my mind. So saying that he had a little birthday party at a soft play center cost a bloody fortune, by the way, but hey, I'll get into that another time. But yet, it was amazing. It was lovely, but I was so over, bloody stimulated, the noise, the sounds, the colors, it was a lot. And then he just refused to nap. And then that just set us on a spiral for the whole half term. So his birthday was on Saturday, of us breaking up, and yeah, that basically set the tone for the whole week. And I really struggled. If you follow my social media, you know, over the last couple of days, towards the end of last week, I really, really struggled. Suddenly came over me. I'm pretty sure one of the planets was imploding, because there's no other explanation of why I felt that way. I mean, it could be the accumulation of a lot of things, or it could be the fact that this half term just literally tipped me over the edge. I'm sure a lot of people think, and by the way, I don't care what people think, but you do hear the comments, oh, he's only two. Why is he a nursery? I mean, it's like a preschool nursery. And honestly, not that it's anyone's damn business, but I think I also need it for me. Don't get me wrong, the main thing is for his development and his education. And he's come on leaps and bounds. He has a speech delay. Apparently, we weren't sure it was. I mean, originally we were thinking he could be autistic. Obviously, it's too young to diagnose yet, but from what what the specialists have seen, it seems to be a speech delay. So already, being in this nursery school, he is speaking. I mean, he's speaking gibberish, but he's speaking. Do you know what I mean? So I've got to take the wins where I can. He's probably cussing me out under his breath. But you know what? As long as I can hear those words, I'm all good. On top of that, his social skills. He has a better social life than me. I kid you not, like his party was jam packed, and I've already got another three invites for various parties coming up over the next, you know, month or so before Christmas. But yeah, his social skills have developed. His self awareness has developed, like he knows how to communicate what he wants. He knows also what to do when he doesn't get what he wants, and the fact that he can differentiate, differentiate between home and nursery. I went yesterday, and I said, Look, how's he been? Because we obviously noticed a massive change in his behavior over half term. And I'll chat about this a bit later. He started getting violent. You know, it's he's lashing out when he doesn't get what he wants. And he's a strong kid.
I mean, he's bloody strong, and it hurts.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I've had tears in my eyes before, and I've called him things I shouldn't be calling him. And, you know, it happens. I went to nursery, I said, you know, he's not, you know, hitting any other children is he? He's not scratching himself when he can't get his own way. He's not throwing things. And she's like, No, he's the kindest child we've ever met. And I was like, hold on,
what I mean? Low key, I
was buzzing inside, but I was like, Is this the same kid? Like, what happens when he walks through those doors? And again, of course, they say that your child lashes out because they're most comfortable around you and you know, between you and me, I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for him to kind of be pointing at stuff or speaking in his little gibberish and not understanding why his mummy doesn't know what he's saying, like that must be really tough. So I really appreciate and understand how frustrated he must be, but the way he lashes out about it, that's what's starting to get me down. But on the flip side of that, I'm also really glad he's not doing it in public. So that's a good sign, I guess. So, yeah, soft play on Saturday, and literally, the next day, we were out. With his grandparents and his auntie and uncle and fever. So he obviously caught something from the cesspit of the ball pit, germs, you know, whatever. Lurgy. Fine. So a couple of days that was us written off. And then we get to midweek last week, and this is where I started kind of having a bit of a meltdown, because I'm looking at my child who I absolutely love more than life itself, and then finances come into play, right? I mean, nothing in this world is free, and there's not much you want to do in Manchester City Center at the parks when we're aiming towards winter, it's not that pleasant, and it's full of all the weed smokers and the crackheads. So we kind of avoid that after a certain time. But yeah, it's half term. His friends are, you know, popping out, you know, hot. The friends are in holiday and stuff. And again, it's no comparison, not jealous. There's nothing like that. It's just more like, what can we do for Taran? But I'll be honest with you, my mental health was absolutely shot, so we spent the whole half term indoors, and I'm looking back now and I'm absolutely gutted for him. The thing is, I feel like you deserve so much more. And then on this flip side, well, he's not going to remember. He's not going to remember, but I remember. I look at these last two years and yeah, maybe in five, 610, years time I can look back and say, Oh God, what a blip. Thank God, Taran doesn't remember, but I will always remember, and that's what saddens me, that I'm in the prime of my life, let's say mid 30s, you know, fit and healthy ish, and I should be about running, you know, playing football, doing this, going out, going swimming, but sometimes I don't have the energy to brush my hair, wash my face, get up. That's the gods on this truth. And like I say, if you saw my kind of mini meltdown on Instagram last week, am I sharing too much? Please drop me a message. If so, because I don't need to work on that. Although I did do a poll, a lot of you were saying, you know, give us more. So, you know, easy, guys, easy bearing my soul for you. Here, my skin literally ended up looking like the planet that has probably imploded somewhere because I hadn't washed my face for pretty much five or six days. And it really, really affected me. Because if you know, I've been open about this in the past, and the loss of our baby and things like that, skincare really became therapeutic for me, which is why I'm huge on the new skincare bandwagon, and why I preach about it so much on my socials, because I have seen the benefits of it, not physically, just on my skin, apart from, obviously this week, where I ended up looking like a pizza, but also the mental kind of repetition and the familiarity and the routine of it really helped me kind of Get out of a funk that I was in for a long time. But over this half term, I've not had time to do it, and then I've not had time for myself those 510 minutes, then that had a knock on effect, on my mood, and then the knock on effect and how I was with Taran. And then it was just a cycle. It was just a horrible, horrible vicious cycle, which he just absolutely did not deserve so I'm sat there thinking I'm the world's worst mom. I think I even put that on one of my stories, you know, literally on a ship, mom, and that's how I feel. But then you know you're not. This is the hardest thing. I know I'm not because people saying, Oh, if you if you feel like that, it shows that you're not because you're bothered about being a good mum. And I appreciate that, and it makes sense to me now. But when you're in that moment, when you're in that zone of like darkness and just emptiness, nothing really makes a difference. And this is what I want to talk about. That as mums, we do get it, and as mums, it's also okay to feel like that. And of course, here I am sat talking about my mum guilt, because I feel bad for taking him out every single day of the week, and then on top of that, how will he feel when he's older? Will he remember? Obviously, I know he won't, but you never know kids these days, he's super smart. It's terrifying. His memory is also bizarre, so it would not surprise me if you remembered, but I think we need to start having more of an open conversation about when we're not okay, because I have really seen the benefits of taking time for myself and when even just seeing those words, time, time, mums can't have time for themselves. What is time? It's time five seconds. Is it five hours? That's the thing. It doesn't matter. It's what works for you and your family. And of course, I am very, very blessed to have such a supportive partner, Father for Tara and husband that he will allow me to have my time, because I think he also realizes that you can't pull from an empty cup. You know, we all have mental health difficulties and issues and down days, and it's about not letting those down days consumers. And that's what I'm really struggling with, or was struggling with, because before, I didn't really have a reason to get out of bed, like half term. Half term didn't really make a difference. Obviously, having Taran, I want to get up and do stuff, so even if I don't feel like it, I push myself whether that's the right thing to do or the wrong thing. I don't know, but I know in my heart of hearts, I'm going to bloody. I'll damn keep pushing myself as much as I can when I can. Though that's the difference, not every day, because not that that's not possible, but on days where I'm like, You know what I can do? It's going to be tough, but you know what? Let's put all my big girl pants and let's go. So for example, he had a Halloween party on Sunday. If any of you saw the cutest pumpkin walking down the street, that was my son. I'm not gonna lie, he will probably kill me when he's older. I fully expect that, but he was the cutest pumpkin I've ever seen. But I went there. Yes, it was for Taren. Yes, it was for him, to his little friends and have a little disco with some glow sticks. Brought back some great memories, not gonna lie. But also it was for me, you forget that, that connection, and speaking to other people, you don't sit there and talk about your life story. You know, I've had shit week and I'm crying and Boohoo. Life's all terrible, but just sitting there, just having a chat. We went to a cheapy, cheerful pizza place in Manchester that I used to go to when I was a student, and he was just nice sitting there. How's he? How's Haren doing? Oh, cool house. Also doing. Oh yeah. Look at the play together. Look at the money. We were just talking about rubbish, you know, it wasn't even anything relevant. It wasn't like we were passing on secret parenting hacks and tips. It was just general chitchat. And it was nice to get out the house for a while. And I kicked myself now, because I'm thinking, why didn't I just Just do it? Why didn't I just get my Nike trainers on and do it? PS, they're not sponsoring this part of the video, by the way, maybe one day. But hey ho, you know, I wish I just got, got out my own head and did it, but sometimes it's just not possible. And if you're listening to me, hopefully you got to this part. You know, it's okay to get those days as well. That's why I want to try and put across like as bleak as it was last week, I knew it would be okay, and I knew I'd potentially be talking about it in my episode at some point in the future, but at that time, it doesn't stop those feelings. Those feelings are very real. You know, our subconscious and our unconscious and conscious, sorry, I think they're the same thing, aren't they? They don't know the difference between what's real and what's not real. So if you've really convinced yourself you're in a bad space mentally and physically your body will really feel like it is. And that that blew my mind, because our mind is so powerful. I mean, I'm digressing here, but I'm not saying we can just wake up and convince ourselves that everything's okay and hunky dory, but I think just understanding that a bad day doesn't equal a bad life and things could always be better. I 100% preach on that because I always want to improve myself, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I always think there's room for growth, and no matter what you do, and that includes being a mum, I guess. But those growth spurts, let's call them, also require days of rest, and that rest could be taking time for yourself, whether for me it was literally two or three days. I'm not gonna lie to you, those two or three days, I didn't wash my face, I didn't get out of bed, really didn't change my clothes. It was embarrassing as hell, but I knew my mind taryn's got his party. Tarant school this week, I want to go see those mums, are not that I expect to kind of put on anything, any kind of mask, and try and be something I'm not. I'm literally my pajamas when I dropped them off, and I'm not one of those mums. My pajamas aren't pajama pajamas, if you know what. I mean, I didn't wear a bra, though I'm not gonna hide that from you that, but you know, my husband's hood, he kind of helped. But anyway, what I'm even talking about that's totally irrelevant, but, I mean, I knew cool Tarana. He's got to see his friends. I love seeing his little face when he runs into nursery to see his teachers. And, oh my God, his school photos came back. By the way, if you've seen them on my social media, wow. I mean, how they even did they get him to pause like that. He's got one leg over the other. He's resting on his hands, on his chin, like how the hell. But anyway, you know he loves that place. He loves that nursery. So for me, do you know half term was hard as balls? It really was. But him being in nursery, being in that social setting where he can learn, he can grow, he can he feels loved. I know he feels loved, and that sort of sports beautiful. He's had childminders in the past. He'll come home crying or he wasn't settled. And I never really knew what that meant. And that comes with a whole host of other guilt, like, God, were they okay with him? I don't believe they're abusing him or anything like that at
all, by the way. I just mean maybe he didn't feel safe, but he's in an environment now where he feels safe. He can, he can just be his little weird and wonderful self, obviously minus the violence. But for me, that is more important. So do you know what I'm gonna sit here? I'm gonna cry about half to him. I'm gonna cry about Christmas holidays. I'm already crapping my pants about Christmas holidays, which is, what, six weeks away. But you know what? We'll ride the storm together, me and him, me, him and Dan. Me, him, Dan and you, if you're listening, my DMs are always open, as you know. So please, please, if you're having a meltdown, like I did, I was open about it. Please be open about it with me too, because I feel you. And again, I cannot even fathom what it's going to be like when he's older and he wants to do stuff right now. Miss Rachel and Blippi. They kind of they ride the storm with me, but I know he's going to outgrow them pretty soon, because, like I said, he's far too smart. But anyway, I. As always, if you got to the end of this episode, thank you so so much for listening. I really appreciate you being here. If you did get any value from this episode, please drop me a message. Any questions or comments, my DMs are always open and as always. Thank you so so much for joining me on my server. Take care if it is your half term. Do you know what? Enjoy it. Enjoy the crappy days too, because they're not going to come around again. And if you've survived, you have to congratulations. Let's go get a drink ASAP. But otherwise, bye