Merry Shitmas and a Crappy New Year - Episode 10

In this deeply personal and vulnerable episode, I take you behind the scenes of what the last few months have really been like. It’s been a while since I recorded, and honestly, there’s been a lot of internal struggle, especially when it comes to balancing motherhood, marriage, and my mental health. From a lonely birthday spent quarantined on a cruise to the festive period struggles that followed, I’m sharing the truth about what this Christmas season looked like for me—not the curated holiday photos or perfectly staged family moments, but the reality of it all.

During this episode, I talk openly about the emotional toll of mum guilt and the pressure to be a "perfect" mum during the holiday season, when everyone around you seems to have it all together. I admit how much I struggled mentally and physically throughout the Christmas season, feeling disconnected and overwhelmed by the expectations of what “Christmas should be” versus the reality of what it was for us. From missing out on family Christmas traditions to feeling like I wasn’t doing enough for my toddler, Taryn, I explore how these feelings of guilt and inadequacy affected me during what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.

As a toddler mum, I reflect on the guilt of not creating those magical memories for Taryn that so many parents seem to be capturing. But at the same time, I’ve learned to embrace those quiet, unfiltered moments that make me feel most present with my son—even if they don’t make it to Instagram. I share why my favourite part of Christmas wasn’t the staged photos or the perfect “family traditions,” but the small, intimate moments of peace spent together, with no need to prove anything to anyone.

I also dive into the complexities of being a mum in business, and how the pressure to keep up appearances on social media often feels at odds with the messiness of real life. How much of myself is too much to share? How do I balance motherhood, marriage, and my own identity without feeling like I’m losing myself? These are the questions I’m grappling with as I enter 2025, trying to find my footing in a world that expects constant perfection.

This episode is about embracing the raw and real aspects of motherhood and marriage—the moments that often go unspoken but are so important. If you’ve ever felt the weight of mental health struggles, mum guilt, or the pressure of being a perfect parent, I hope this episode resonates with you. It’s a reminder that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to not have it all figured out. If you're feeling lonely, disconnected, or like you're just not meeting expectations, I see you, and I’m here to share my story so you know that you're not alone.

So, join me as I reflect on the challenges of the past year, and the lessons learned in embracing the messiness of life as a mum, wife, and individual. Let’s talk about the struggles we don’t always post on Instagram—the real, unfiltered moments that make us h

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Transcript

so hello everyone it has been quite a while since I've recorded a Podcast episode I don't know why there was just something in me that was really kind of anxious towards the end of last year I'll get into this a bit later but I mean I spoke to a few of you online you know I did a poll on what you want to hear from me going forward and again I was ummming an eyeing about what do I share what do I not share so it kind of brought me full circle again as you know when I started This podcast I was like right it's gonna be on me behind the scenes motherhood marriage makeup you know that's my tagline and then I kind of pivoted a bit into more of the treatment side of things you know talking about some treatments you know what to expect what not to expect what to do what not to do and yeah people like them but I really really got overwhelming feedback on people kind of just wanting to know about me so I guess yeah that's kind of where I am right now and I'm starting 2025 out I guess on a new perspective so these next episodes I mean hopefully you resonate with them and if you don't obviously let me know but if you do then this is the kind of route we're going to go down I am kind of going to talk about my life I'm really surprised that people actually want to know about it but here we are and if it helps just one person out there just knowing that they're not alone in their struggles or you know even even the winds I'm all about celebrating the winds too whether their mind or they yours you know if you got out of bed today congratulations there are days when I struggles or you're not alone for sure so without further ado let's get right into it let's go back in time a bit and let's rewind to November of last year it was pretty tough you may remember I was on a cruise for my birthday but sadly we all got ill and being Crews we had to quarantine / isolate so you weren't actually allowed they might off the ship out of our room and Dan and I got ill at different times so for a couple of days I was allowed out and then I was locked in and then for a couple of days he was allowed out quite a while I was like whatever you get what I'm saying so it's really tough I actually spent my birthday alone and I said alone I was with Taryn and we managed to enjoy the day out of Madeira we went on the cable cars which was fun he fell asleep so he didn't really enjoy the sights but I did but yeah the holiday wasn't what I thought it thought it thought it would be but it really got me thinking about this whole diary concept of filming a podcast recording a podcast rather because you'll see all the pictures that I put on or the videos lives behind the scenes stories and nothing is ever what it seems and obviously I am very very grateful and very lucky to cry about being stuck on a cruise and Mediterranean but I'm ill you know when we are in the cost of living crisis that's not lost on me but what is lost on me is this image that we portray of ourselves and the realities behind it because it never really is like I say what it seems and for me that sore true password from November obviously Christmas comes up the run up to Christmas December advent all little Christmas events that you get to go on and enjoy and Christmas markets and winter wonderlands and you know matching pajamas it's all too much honestly it's too much and I really really struggled it's really really upsetting because Christmas happy time over year and family and you know that's all get the matching pajama photo shoots by the tree and everyone's looking at the camera and we've also there with our eggnog whatever the hell what the fuck is not anyway but that wasn't the case for me and let me hazardous and say it wasn't the case for some of you out there too and I don't think there's any shape and talking about it and I get the family Perfect Photo I didn't get the insta ready picture with the perfect caption for my business page along my personal page and here we are again why does my business page have to have so much for my personal life on it anyway and why do people need to see that how much of me do you need to know how much of Media you need to see Behind the Scenes like how much trust is enough Trust how much trust is too much trust out of that makes sense but for me I'm really really struggling with how much of myself I put out the visually like here I guess I can talk to you I'm just imagining I'm talking to my friend whether I'm putting too much out there who knows this mayor back fire on me how much of myself I put out their visually like here I guess I can talk to you I'm just imagining I'm talking to my friend whether I'm putting too much out there who knows this may backfire on me in five ten years I don't know right now I think it's important to vocalize the truths of what we're going through because for me Christmas wasn't a great time like I said I was struggling mentally physically too you know I have had some issues with my health and it hasn't been fun but again why am I scared share the online and why am I okay to kind of talk about it it's funny because you all know this podcast is me and this is my voice and if this ever goes anywhere people will know it's me talking but me talking about it I'm sighting your abajamas I've got like you know pasta stained t-shirt hair is greasy as hell but I feel more free talking about it then perhaps doing a video about it let's say on my stories is that because of what I do for a business you know I'm in the beauty industry I have certain standards to upkeep or would people respect me more about cool yeah she's in the beauty business but she's not afraid you know show up on her bad days so yeah I'm not sure if that makes any sense but this is the kind of dialoman facing right now internally I guess on that note is a double edge sword the fact that Tarin is only two so he doesn't really understand the concept of Santa and Christmas and presents I mean every time he says Santa he just says hello which is like the cutest thing ever but he doesn't really understand you know what's going on you know the tree execute the lights he loves it but we don't have to do any of that elf on the shelf or you know saboters watching you you have to be good any of that yet but seeing that though when I look at his his little friends you know they do all seem to be getting there and understanding but again Tara and has a speech and language delay so we are under some specialist treatment for that so that could be why he doesn't understand why his friends may understand but again I could go down this rabbit hole of comparing him to other children and it really raising isn't healthy for him it's healthy for me so I'm trying hard not to kind of compare but I'm really kind of enjoying the time that we do have vitamin his little baby stage let's say a way he doesn't really crust concept of it because who knows this time next year or next Christmas he will be totally some degrees in present crazy of elf crazy I'll have to go elf on the shelf and do all that stuff which I don't know I'm ready for but let's just say it was a blessing in disguise that he kind of wasn't understanding what was going on because my mental health for taking a right hit I don't know if I'm ready to go to divorce the wise of that but you know we have a lot of stuff plan for Christmas you know we had you know breakfast with Santa you know watching like a little mini Kitty Theatre pantifying type show we had going to the Christmas lights you know lots of things and those days I just wasn't ready I really really wasn't ready like I said a lot of that time I spent alone as much to be with a toddler I was there but I wasn't there and that's probably the first time I've actually admitted that a lot out loud people out there I don't know if you even interested but yeah it wasn't it was a nice you know I feel like I'm missing these milestones of my toddler I should have gone to these things but why am I head up again I should have gone there I should have got the pictures I should have tagged US into people know we're doing all this fun Christmas family stuff when you know what my favourite part of Christmas was our Snaps snapps you know why because that's when we'd all sit on the sofa lights off Christmas tree light was glowing we'd have our TV on and we'd be watching something and taran's eyes and start getting heavy and then we probably watching the bridge because we ritual about 17 times over the period but then we put the sleepy Owls on YouTube and we'd all fall asleep in the sofa that's what we call myself an apps our Snaps that was my favorite part but was that Instagram worthy was that you know a tag worthy no not really that was my favourite part of the hall of Christmas like what does that say about me am I allows you Mum am I a terrible mom am I a bad one I don't know I felt all those things but at the same time I felt content because this has been at all rambling what does that say about me on the sofa that's what we call myself a naps our Snaps that was my favorite part but was that Instagram worthy was that you know a tag worthy no not really that was my favorite part of the whole of Christmas like what does that say about me am I a lazy mum am I a terrible mom am I a bad mum I don't know I felt all those things but at the same time I felt content because the two people I'm most mean the world which is there with me yes we were doing nothing I don't know it's really hard to explain and I'm not sure if I'm even articulating this very well but there was a lot of guilt there but the Guilt was for the wrong reasons I think the Guilt was because I wasn't out and about doing things and I wasn't subjecting my toddler to The Stow and the minus icy conditions just to get good Facebook picture you know but then if you aren't posting it did it really happen and a lot of my pictures were all look at different directions the videos were all on Kent we're looking farrow I guess those videos are for me not for anybody else and does it matter if they're not on Facebook does he marry if I haven't put it all over the internet and if sort of who made me feel that way why do I feel that way is it Society you know and this guilt and my carrying is it Mum Guild is it in still guilt what is it and why do we feel it and again this is been at all rambling I'm sorry if I'm bored you to death and if you are still here thank you for listening but I guess this is kind of got to be the format of my podcasts going forward I've just decided they're just gonna be ramblings in me in my feelings it's an outlet maybe spit like therapy and if somebody out there can agree or feel like they felt this to or be like you know what thanks for sharing or you know what you're not alone you aren't allowed whenever alone really I guess it just takes some one to just stand up and say that so yeah as always thank you so much for joining me on my sofa I really enjoyed this chat it wasn't my usual kind of upbeat ones but you know what that's life 2025 is here I'm hoping it's gonna be better and it's funny because I don't have a resolution people are talking about a color for the year word of the Year I'm just happy I made it alive and the people I love here too and that's a miracle for me we started out this year alive and it can only get better I guess the best foundations you can have a build a built on rock bottom so yeah apologies if this sounds a bit depressing but us the truth I'm not here to show sugarcore to any more so I wish you all well and I will try and get another episode out more regularly for the try and get back to Weekly or if not I will see you in the next one and like I said earlier thank you so much for joining me on my saw further I really enjoyed this chat take care and if I can help or if you are feeling a bit lonely please drop me a DM lots of love bye