The Truth About Sexual Desire That Nobody Wants to Admit

We've been lying to ourselves about sexual desire for generations. Hollywood sells us the fantasy that true love means perpetual passion - that if you're really meant to be together, you'll always feel that electric spark of the honeymoon phase. Science tells a different story.

This episode explores the surprising paradox of desire. Our hosts break down the science behind the famous "honeymoon phase," reveal why desire naturally evolves in long-term relationships, and discuss how different attachment styles shape our intimate connections. You'll discover the concept of "sexual communal strength" and learn how successful couples maintain their spark over time. We tackle sensitive topics like attraction outside relationships and the impact of major life changes on desire, all while examining how societal expectations influence our intimate lives. Whether you're curious about the psychology of desire, looking to understand your own relationship patterns, or seeking evidence-based insights for maintaining long-term passion, this episode offers valuable perspectives on one of humanity's most fundamental experiences. Backed by current research and delivered with empathy, this discussion provides practical takeaways for nurturing healthy, satisfying relationships.

Sexual desire's complex role—how it can connect yet also divide those in a romantic relationship

The interplay between sexual desire and relationship functioning

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Transcript

0:24

Hey everyone, ready for another Deep Dive? Today we're going to tackle something super interesting - how sexual desire and relationships work together. It's something a lot of people think is pretty simple, but it's actually way more complicated than it seems. For sure. We're going to be using this really cool academic review article called "The Interplay Between Sexual Desire and Relationship Functioning." It's from Nature Reviews Psychology. Oh yeah, I read that one. And we're going to unpack a whole bunch of things - how desire changes over the course of a relationship, all the surprising things that can affect it. And we're even going to talk about how desire can actually make relationships stronger. Exactly. So, first things first, what do we even mean when we say sexual desire? Like, what are we actually talking about? Well, at its heart, it's basically that feeling of wanting to be sexual with someone, that wanting a sexual activity, or even just like a connection, you know? It's what makes us attracted to people in the first place. Okay, so it sounds pretty basic, but the research shows that desire can be kind of paradoxical, it brings us together, but it can also cause some serious issues. Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. When people have less desire, they're more likely to be unhappy in their relationships, but when it's understood and nurtured, desire can be this amazing force for connection and making people feel good. So it's like a double-edged sword in a way. We all love that initial spark, but then it seems like it can fade over time, right? Totally. Think about the honeymoon phase, you know? All that passion, it usually lasts for what, like one to two and a half years? Yeah, somewhere around there. But as you get to know each other better, it's natural for desire to decrease a bit. Okay, so is that why some couples lose that spark after a while? Our brains basically just get used to the excitement? There's a theory called the incentive motivation model that suggests that's exactly what's happening. Basically, being with the same person for a while can make them seem less exciting in that way. Hmm, interesting. But if desire goes down, isn't that like a bad sign for the relationship? Not always. See, as relationships change and grow, other kinds of intimacy can become more important. Plus, there's this idea called sexual communal strength. Sexual communal strength. What is that? It's basically the desire to meet your partner's sexual needs while still caring about your own. Couples who have this tend to want sex more, be more satisfied, and they can handle problems better. So it's more about working together as a team, not just about what each person wants individually. Exactly. It's about finding that balance of being there for your partner, but also staying true to yourself. That makes sense. Now, is it true that men and women experience this whole desire thing differently? Well, there's some research that suggests that women might experience a bigger decline, especially after having kids. Oh, really? But there are so many possible reasons for this, and it's a very complex area of study. We can't really say for sure. So we can't just leave it on biology, then? Right. There are theories about hormonal changes, especially in women, but there are other ideas, too, like about relationships, expectations from society, even evolution. So it's a mix of, like, nature, nurture, and all the pressures of society. Pretty much. It's multifaceted, which honestly makes it even more fascinating to look into. Speaking of fascinating, the article talks about this model called the Relationship Development Model of Desire. Okay, I'm listening. What's that one about? So it basically says that how much desire we feel is kind of like an unconscious way of measuring our partner's mate value, like how much we want them, you know, both their good qualities and their potential. So our desire is telling us something about how we see our partner. That's kind of deep. It is. And here's the really interesting part. What we think of as desirable actually changes as the relationship grows. Early on, it's a lot about surface stuff, like looks or how outgoing they are. So we all start off a little shallow. I mean, it makes sense. We were attracted to that initial spark. Yeah. But then as you get closer, you start to value different things. Responsiveness, how emotionally stable they are, if you share values, that kind of stuff. It becomes less about just hotness and more about how our partner makes us feel, how deep that connection really is. Right. And the big takeaway here is this. If you have a lot of desire, you're going to put more effort into the relationship. But if it's low, you might start to reconsider things. Desire becomes like a gauge for how invested we are. Wow. This is way more complex than I thought. It's not just a feeling. It's a huge part of how our relationships actually play out. Okay. So desire can actually change how we see our partners. What about our own personalities? Do things like attachment styles come into play? Oh, absolutely. The kind of attachment style we have, the one that develops from our early experiences, can really affect how we experience desire and intimacy. Right. That makes sense. Can you remind us about those different attachment styles again, just for anyone who might not remember? Sure. So the article focuses on three, secure, anxious, and avoidant. Secure attachment is what we consider the healthiest one, where people feel good about intimacies and are able to balance their own needs with their partner's needs. So those are the people who tend to have an easier time in relationships in general? Yeah. Often they do. They're better at communicating and they're okay with being close, which usually translates into having a more satisfying sex life. Makes sense. What about the people with anxious attachment? How does that affect their desire? Well, people with anxious attachment are often worried about being rejected or abandoned, right? So they might use sex to try and get reassurance from their partner or even to prevent them from leaving. Oh, wow. That sounds kind of exhausting. And what about the avoidant attachment style? People with an avoidant style tend to be afraid of intimacy and they kind of keep their partners at a distance. They might use sex for their own reasons, like to relieve stress, but not really to connect deeply with their partner. So both the anxious and the avoidant styles can create some problems in the bedroom? Yeah, they can both negatively affect desire, satisfaction, and just how well things work sexually overall. It's important to know what your attachment style is and how it might be influencing your relationship. It sounds like understanding those patterns can really make a difference for couples. Now, beyond attachment styles, what other things in a relationship can shape desire? Well, it probably won't surprise you to hear that positive things like love, feeling connected, and intimacy, those all tend to make people want sex more. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, it's hard to feel sexual when you're always fighting or feeling distant from your partner, right? Exactly. When there's conflict, bad communication, distrust, all that negative stuff, it can seriously dampen desire. So basically, happy couples have better sex lives. Ha ha, there's definitely a correlation. But here's a cool thing. Even couples who've been together a long time can fight that natural decline in desire. They can do it by focusing on something called perceived partner responsiveness and self-expansion. Okay, those sound important. Can you break those down for me? So perceived partner responsiveness is that feeling that your partner really sees you, gets you, and values you. Self-expansion is about trying new things together as a couple and growing together. It's like keeping things interesting. So just feeling close, doing new things can keep that spark alive. I like that. It can, for sure. When we feel connected to our partner and we keep learning and growing together, it can really boost our desire. This is all great advice. Now let's zoom out a bit. The article also talks about how things outside of the relationship itself, like external factors, can affect desire. What are some examples of that? Think about big life changes, global events, even just everyday stress. Things like having kids, going through menopause, or living through a pandemic, those can all have an effect on desire and sexual satisfaction. It's like our sex lives are under constant attack from forces we can't control. Kind of, yeah. These outside factors can be tough, but they can also give couples a chance to get closer and really support each other. So is it always a negative thing? How do these external pressures usually affect desire? Well, it really depends. Like having a baby can lead to changes in hormones and how women see their bodies, which can affect desire. But if a couple has a strong relationship, they can usually work through those changes together. So it's not necessarily the event itself, it's how the couple handles it. Exactly. Same goes for daily stress. Sometimes it kills the mood, but other times couples use intimacy as a way to unwind and connect. So stress can either tear people apart or bring them closer. Interesting. Yeah, it's like two sides of the same coin. And we can't forget about all those societal expectations and norms. They have a huge impact on how we see desire and sexuality, especially for women. Yeah, true. It feels like we're constantly getting these messages about what's considered sexy and desirable. And a lot of times those messages are pretty limiting. Right. Like the way women's bodies are often objectified and all the stereotypes about aging, those can make people feel bad about themselves and mess with their desire. It's so important to push back against those norms and figure out what really matters to you and your partner. Absolutely. Now I think it's time to talk about the elephant in the room. Those feelings of attraction we sometimes have for people outside of our relationship. Ah, yes. The thing everyone experiences but doesn't really want to talk about. But the article says those feelings are normal. Totally normal. It happens to a lot of people. And feeling that way doesn't mean you don't love your partner. Monogamy is still how most people do relationships. But even then, you can still be attracted to other people. So how do people manage those feelings when they're committed to one person? Is it all about willpower? There are different ways to look at it. From an evolutionary perspective, we've evolved to focus on long-term relationships, you know, because that helps our kids survive. So basically our biology is pushing us to stay together. In a sense, yeah. And from a psychological point of view, because we rely on our partners for intimacy and support, we're less likely to act on those temptations. It's like a combo of nature and the benefits of a good relationship keeping us in line. But people do cheat. So what are some of the things that make it more likely? Well, like we were saying, things like feeling insecure, being unhappy in the relationship, even just having a chance to cheat can make it more likely. But there are also things that can help prevent it. Yeah. What about that? What keeps people from straying? The research has found some pretty interesting stuff. For one, couples who have a lot of shared friends tend to cheat less. Oh, really? That's kind of cool. I wonder if it's because there's more accountability, like people are less likely to cheat if their friends and family know their partner? Yeah, that could definitely be part of it. It's like having the support system that helps protect the relationship. Another big one is perspective taking. Oh, right, right. Remind me what that is again? Basically it's putting yourself in your partner's shoes and really thinking about how they would feel if you acted on those feelings for someone else. That empathy can be a powerful thing. It's like remembering that your actions have consequences and those consequences can really hurt someone you love. For sure. At the end of the day, preventing infidelity is about communicating openly, respecting each other, and wanting to take care of both your own needs and the relationship itself. Wow, we covered a lot today. It's crazy how much research there is on desire, but it's still this powerful force that shapes so much of our lives. What we've learned is that it's definitely not simple. It's this mix of biology, psychology, our own experiences, the dynamics of the relationship, even what society tells us. It's like this multi-layered puzzle and understanding all the pieces can help us have better relationships. Absolutely. For our listeners who might be feeling a little overwhelmed by all this, what are the key takeaways they can actually use in their own lives? First of all, don't freak out if that initial spark fades a bit. It's totally normal for desire to change. It's more about recognizing those changes and going with the flow, not panicking when things are different. Relationships evolve and so does desire. It's a journey, not a destination. Exactly. And never underestimate how important communication is. Talk to your partner about what you need and want. Make it a safe space to be honest and vulnerable with each other. Being honest and open is so important in any relationship, especially when it comes to something as personal as desire. Couldn't agree more. And don't forget, doing things to strengthen your connection outside the bedroom can really help your intimacy inside the bedroom. Make time for each other, show affection, and let each other know you appreciate them. It's like all those little acts of love keep the desire engine running. Haha, love that analogy. And don't be afraid to shake things up a bit. Try new things together. Sharing new experiences, whether they're big or small, can keep the spark alive and exciting. Keep those date nights going. Try that new restaurant you've been wanting to go to. Learn a new skill together. Keep things fresh. Exactly. And lastly, remember that what society says about desire isn't always right. Challenge those ideas, break free from those stereotypes, and focus on what truly matters to you and your partner. It's about creating a relationship that works for you, not for everyone else. Well said. And on that note, we'll leave you with one final thought. We know that what society tells us about sex and desire can have a big impact. So what can you do to create an environment that's more supportive and accepting of all kinds of relationships, starting with your own? That's a great question. We hope this deep dive was helpful and gave you some new insights. Thanks for joining us as we explore desire and how it affects our relationships. Until next time, happy exploring!