Building Authentic Relationships in a Digital Age: The Hidden Truths We All Need to Hear

We dive into the complex terrain of love and relationships with equal parts scientific rigor and heartfelt wisdom. What begins as an ambitious exploration of the "quadruple theory" of love—attraction, connection, trust, and respect—unfolds into a nuanced discussion about how these elements shift and evolve throughout a relationship's lifecycle.

The conversation doesn't shy away from uncomfortable truths: that the fiery passion of new love inevitably transforms, that conflict avoidance can be more damaging than healthy disagreement, and that technology has introduced new dimensions of control in relationships. We explore compassionate love as the sustainable foundation for long-term connection, emphasizing that authenticity—the courage to be yourself, warts and all—is non-negotiable.

The episode also confronts relationship red flags head-on: lack of communication, emotional dismissiveness, and technologically-enabled controlling behaviors. These warnings are delivered with compassion and practical advice for those who recognize these patterns in their own relationships.

What emerges is a powerful toolkit for creating and maintaining relationships that nourish rather than deplete—a message of hope that it's never too late to cultivate connections that bring joy, support, and a genuine sense of belonging. This episode reminds us that with awareness and deliberate effort, we can build relationships that truly enrich our lives.

The love we seek: How to build authentic and healthy relationships 

This is Heliox: Where Evidence Meets Empathy

Independent, moderated, timely, deep, gentle, clinical, global, and community conversations about things that matter.  Breathe Easy, we go deep and lightly surface the big ideas.

Thanks for listening today!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Love and Its Elements
• 9:07 Healthy Communication in Relationships
• 16:32 Maintaining Empathy Through Life Changes
• 19:24 Navigating Family and Friendship Dynamics
• 23:16 Identifying Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

Transcript

0:24

Hey, everybody. Welcome to another Deep Dive. Yeah. And today we are diving into something that's pretty universal, love and relationships. And we've got a bunch of research articles to talk about. Yes. Some opinions from experts. Absolutely. And even some thoughts on how technology is impacting love in the modern age. Yeah, that's a big-- So-- It is. Are you ready to dive in? I'm ready. Let's go. OK, so first up, we've got an article that tries to define love. Oh, wow. Which, like-- Ambitious. Yeah, it's-- Very ambitious. It feels like a pretty ambitious goal. I don't even know if I could define love. Right. It's one of those things you know it when you feel it. Yeah. So put it into words. Yeah, exactly. So this article talks about the quadruple theory. OK. Have you heard of this? I have heard of this. It's interesting. They break love down into four elements. OK. Attraction, connection, or residence. Trust and respect. So attraction, that's like the initial spark, right? Exactly. That first-- Yeah. That first kind of moment when you're drawn to somebody. Yeah. And connection is like feeling like you're on the same wavelength as somebody. Yeah, like you just get each other. Yeah. Click. And then trust and respect, those feel kind of self-explanatory. Yeah, I think those are pretty straightforward. Yeah. You know, you need to be able to rely on the person. Yeah. And value them. But do all four of these have to be like firing on all cylinders at the same time? That's a good question. For it to be considered love. Because you rarely see all four-- Right.--of these things all at the same time in the same amount. Yeah. I think what's interesting about this theory is that it suggests these elements can shift and change over time. OK. And I think that that kind of explains the different types of love that we experience. Oh, interesting. So like the fiery passion of new love-- Right.--eventually settles into something that's more comfortable and familiar. Exactly. And maybe that's because that initial attraction-- Yeah.--starts to fade a little bit. Yeah. And then trust and respect become more prominent. So it's not necessarily about reaching some perfect balance where all four are equal all the time. Right. It's more about how these elements work together and how they contribute to the different stages of a relationship. Oh, that makes sense. Like what might start as a purely physical attraction could evolve into a deep, long-lasting bond. Yeah. Built on trust and shared values. OK. So then how does all of this relate to building a healthy relationship? Is it just like checking off those four boxes? I wish it were that simple. Right. It's a bit more nuanced than that. OK. One of the other articles that we have here talked about compassionate love. OK. And this is highlighted in an article from The Conversation. Interesting. And compassionate love is really about genuinely caring for the other person's well-being. OK. Having affection and connection. So it's think about like the fireworks and more about-- Yeah.--just like deep friendship and support. Exactly. It's that kind of love where you really want the best-for the other person. -Yeah. And you're there for them through thick and thin. And so if we think back to the quadruple theory, would you say that compassionate love needs all four of those elements to be present?-It seems like it does. -Yeah. It's not about eliminating any one element. It's more about having them all work together.-Yeah. -In a way that feels authentic and balanced. This is making me think about like all my relationships past and present. Right. What about you? What stands out to you the most about compassionate love? You know, I think what's really interesting is that it doesn't require you to lose yourself-in the other person. -Oh. OK. And in fact, a lot of the articles that we have really emphasize the importance of authenticity. When you say authenticity, you mean like being comfortable enough to just be yourself. Yes. Exactly. Warts and all. Nobody wants to feel like they have to pretend-to be someone they're not. -Right. Yeah.-And that's exhausting. -It's exhausting. Yeah. That's a recipe for burnout for sure. Totally. But like, are there times-when you have to bite your tongue? -Of course.-Or like compromise a little bit. -Absolutely.-How do you balance being authentic... -Right....with, you know, navigating all those disagreements-that come up? -Well, I think that's where communication comes in. And not just any communication, but really good communication, where you're able to communicate...-Yeah. -...in a way that doesn't-ethicalate the conflict... -Right....but helps you understand each other better. So less yelling matches more heart-to-hearts.-I would say so. Yes. -But how do you do that when you're feeling like angry or hurt?-Right. -Like, those emotions can really hijack a conversation. Oh, absolutely. And that's why emotional regulation-is so important. -Okay. Um, one of the articles that we have talks about acceptance and commitment therapy,-or AICT. -Okay. And there's this technique they talk about-called diffusion. -Okay. And that basically means creating some space between you and your emotional reaction. So you're not letting your emotions-completely run the show. -Exactly. You're taking a step back before you say something-that you might regret. -Yeah. You're not suppressing those feelings.-You're just acknowledging them. -Yeah.-And not letting them control you... -Okay....so that you can respond in a way that's in line with your values...-Yeah. -...and with what you want-for the relationship. -Yeah.-That sounds really challenging. -It is. Especially in the heat of the moment. It is, but it's a skill you can develop. Do you have any tips for putting that into practice? Sure. Because, like, telling someone to just calm down...-Right. -...never works.-No. Never. -It just makes things worse.-Yeah. -So what can you actually do? Well, one technique involves-labeling your thoughts and emotions. -Okay. So instead of saying, "I'm so angry right now."-Yeah. -You can try saying to yourself,"I'm noticing that I'm having the thought-that I'm angry." -Whoa.-It's a subtle shift... -Yeah....but it can create that mental distance-that you need... -Interesting....to respond thoughtfully. It's like you're acknowledging the emotion without getting completely swept away by it.-Exactly. -I can see how that could be-so helpful in those heated moments. -Mm-hmm. Where it's so easy to say something-you don't really mean. -Absolutely. Wow, that's actually really insightful.-I'm gonna try that. -Yeah. It's a good one.-This whole diffusion thing. -Yeah. I'm definitely someone who tends to react emotionally,-so... -Yeah....I need to work on that. Well, it takes practice.-Yeah. -But the more you do it, the better you get at it. Okay. So we're talking about communication, but are there any red flags... Oh, yeah....when it comes to communication patterns...-Lots. -...that we should be looking out for?-Yeah. -Things that tell us maybe things aren't so healthy. Yeah. I would say one of the biggest ones-is lack of communication... -Right....or avoiding conflict altogether. We touched on this a little bit earlier, but why is conflict avoidance such a bad thing?-Well, it might seem peaceful on the surface... -Mm-hmm....but it can actually be really damaging...-Okay. -...because you're not-addressing the issues. -Yeah.(LAUGHS) It's like sweeping dirt under the rug. You know, eventually, you're gonna trip over that tile.-Yeah, it's gonna keep building up. -Exactly. So it's not about never disagreeing. It's about disagreeing in a healthy way. Right. It's about learning to have-those difficult conversations... -Yes....in a way that's productive. And that's where the communication skills...-Exactly. -...come into play. Yes. You need those tools...-Yeah. -...to navigate those disagreements. Okay, so open and honest communication-is a green flag. -Yes.-Conflict avoidance is a red flag. -Big red flag.(SCOFFS) What other warning signs are there? Another big one is lack of empathy or emotional support. Oh, this is something that I think a lot of people experience, unfortunately. Yeah. It's more common than we'd like to think. What are some signs that empathy might be missing? Think about how you feel-after you interact with this person. -Okay. Do you feel heard, understood,-or do you feel dismissed? -Yeah.-And validated? -Yeah. Maybe they criticize you a lot, they judge you, they never offer any encouragement or support. It's like talking to a brick wall.-Yeah. -You're like pouring your heart out, and they're just not receiving it. Yeah. And it can be really lonely to be in a relationship where you don't feel-emotionally supported. -It sounds really draining.-It is. -What advice would you give to someone who is going through that? Well, first, I think it's important to recognize that you deserve to be in a relationship-where you feel supported. -Yeah. You know, it's not needy to want that.-It's a basic human need. -Yeah. If you've tried to communicate your needs,-and you're still not feeling heard... -Yeah....maybe it's time to consider whether the relationship is actually serving you. That's a hard conversation to have with yourself,-let alone with another person. -It is. But I think sometimes those difficult conversations...-Right. -...are necessary for growth.-Absolutely. -Both individually-and in the relationship. -For sure. Wow, we've covered so much in this first part.-And I know. -We talked about the basic elements-of love. -Yes. The importance of communication and empathy.-Mm-hmm. -Even touched on some red flags.-We did. -And we're just getting started. I know. There's so much more to talk about.-I know. I can't wait. -Me too. Hey there, listeners. If you're enjoying today's episode, check out our previous episodes, where we dive deep into fascinating topics in scientific research and more. Don't forget to tell your friends and family about Heliox. Back to Heliox, where evidence meets empathy. Welcome back to our deep dive into love and relationships. Yeah, it's great to be back. I feel like we could talk about this stuff forever. Right? There's so much to uncover. In the last part, we really dug into that quadruple theory of love. Right. Attraction, connection, trust, and respect. Exactly. We explored what compassionate love-actually means. -Yeah, that was a good one. And even touched on how technology can be both helpful and harmful when it comes to our connections with others. Yeah, it's a double-edged sword, for sure. Totally. So I'm curious, where do we go from here? What else did you find in your research? Well, we ended the last part by talking about how empathy levels can actually decline as we age. Yeah, that one was kind of mind-blowing. I know, right? You'd think that as you get older and have more life experience, you'd be better at empathizing. Right. You'd think you'd be a pro by then. But this article from MDPI suggests that certain cognitive changes might make it harder to step into someone else's shoes as we get older.-It's interesting, isn't it? -It is. It really makes you wonder how that impacts-long-term relationships. -Yeah. You know, because maintaining those strong emotional bonds over time really requires a lot of understanding-and compassion. -Right. It's like you need to actively work at staying connected emotionally, even as you grow and change as individuals. Exactly. And maybe this decline in empathy adds another layer of complexity to that. So, what can we do about it? How do we flex those empathy muscles? Well, I think one simple but powerful practice-is active listening. -Okay. Really focusing on what the other person is saying, both verbally and non-verbally, and trying to understand their perspective without judgment. So, putting aside your own thoughts-and opinions for a moment. -Exactly. And just being present with the other person. It's so easy to get caught up in your own head, though.-It is. -Especially when you've got years of experiences and opinions shaping your worldview. I know. But active listening forces us to step outside of ourselves and see the world through someone else's eyes.-Which can be really challenging. -It can be. Especially if someone has a completely different-perspective than you. -Right. But that's where that respect element-of the quadruple theory comes in. -Okay. You don't have to agree with someone's viewpoint...-Yeah. -...to respect their right to have it.-Right. -And active listening allows you to understand where they're coming from, even if you never fully see eye to eye. So, maybe you both value honesty, even if you disagree on what honesty looks like-in a specific situation. -Exactly. Or maybe you both prioritize family, even if your family structures and traditions-are completely different. -Right. It's about finding those points of connection, even amidst the differences. So, it's like remembering that we're all human.-Yeah. -We all have feelings.-We do. -We all crave connection. Absolutely. We've been talking a lot about romantic relationships, but this applies to family and friendships, too, right?-It does. -I mean, family dynamics can be really complicated. Oh, they can be a minefield. So, how does this celebrating differences idea work when it comes to family? Well, I think it's important to remember-that even within a family... -Yep....each member is an individual...-Okay. -...with their own needs and desires. So, respecting those individualities while still acknowledging the shared history and bonds that hold the family together. Right. And sometimes that means setting boundaries. Ooh, that's a tough one. It is, but it's okay to disagree with a family member.-Yeah. -To express your own opinions, to make choices that align with your values, even if those choices aren't always met with approval. So, finding that balance between honoring your family ties-and staying true to yourself. -Exactly. And that balance might look different for every family.-Right. -There's no one-size-fits-all approach.-It's about communication. -Yes.-Understanding... -Mm-hmm....a willingness to compromise...-Exactly. -...easier said than done. It is. It is. But there are things you can do. Like what? Well, one thing is to focus on "I" statements-rather than "you" statements. -Oh, interesting. So, instead of saying, "You always do this," you can say, "I feel hurt when this happens." Oh, that's a good one. It shifts the focus from blaming to your own feelings.-So, it's less accusatory. -Exactly. It can help de-escalate the situation. It sounds a lot more constructive. It is. And it can open up the door-for a more honest conversation. -Yeah. Another thing to keep in mind is that not every conversation needs to be a debate.-Okay. -Sometimes it's okay to agree to disagree...-Right. -...and to just respect each other's perspectives, even if you don't fully understand them.-Picking your battles. -Exactly.-So much wisdom. -Well, I try. This has been such a helpful look at family dynamics. It seems like celebrating differences-really is key. -It is. And I think the same principles apply to friendships as well. Yeah. Friendships are interesting-because we choose them... -Right....but they also evolve over time. They do. People change. So, learning to adapt and celebrate those changes-is essential. -Absolutely. So, what should we be thinking about when it comes to celebrating differences in our friendships? Well, one thing is that friendships, like all relationships, require effort.-Okay. -They need nurturing. They don't just magically sustain themselves.-Right. -As our lives change, as our interests evolve, we might find ourselves growing apart from certain friends. It's like that saying, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."-Exactly. And that's okay. -Yeah. Not all friendships are meant to last forever.-But the ones that do... -Right.-...they take work. -They do. It takes a conscious effort to stay connected...-Right. -...to make time for each other.-To support each other. -Yes. Through those ups and downs. So, how do we know which friendships are worth that extra effort? That's a good question. And it's a personal decision, of course.-Yeah. -But I think some things to consider are how you feel-after spending time with this person. -Okay. Do you feel energized or drained?-Oh, interesting. -Do you feel like you can be yourself around them?-Yeah. -Do you share common values and interests that make the friendship meaningful? So, if you're constantly feeling depleted...-Right. -...like you're walking on eggshells...-Exactly. -...that might be a sign that it's time to move on. It could be. And it's okay to acknowledge that.-Yeah. -Even if it's difficult...-Right. -...you deserve to spend your energy...-Yeah. -...on relationships that nourish you. It all comes back to authenticity.-It does. -Like, how do you balance being your authentic self in a friendship...-Right. -...while also being respectful of your friend's differences? It's a balancing act, for sure. Because sometimes those differences-could be pretty major. -They can be. And sometimes those differences are deal-breakers.-Right. -But other times, they can actually enrich the friendship.-If you're both open-minded. -Exactly.-You know, respectful. -It's about choosing-your friends wisely. -Yeah. Being mindful of your needs and values.-Yeah. -And being willing to have-those difficult conversations. -Necessary. Exactly. And remembering that friendships-are a two-way street. -Okay. Both people need to feel respected. Yeah. And supported. It sounds like delegating differences is just as important in friendships as it is in romantic relationships-and family dynamics. -I think so.-Yeah. -It's all about recognizing that those strong, healthy relationships are built on that foundation of mutual respect.-Yes. -Open communication.-Yes. -And a willingness to embrace those qualities that make each person unique. I love that we've covered so much ground-on this part. -I know. I know. From empathy and aging...-Mm-hmm. -...to family dynamics-and the complexities of friendship. -We did.-My brain is full. -I know. Mine, too. Thank you to everyone who has left such positive reviews on our podcast episodes. It helps to make the podcast visible to so many more people. We read them all. Back to Heliox, where evidence meets empathy. And we are back for the final part of our deep dive into love and relationship.-It's been quite a journey. -It has. I feel like we've explored, like, every facet of love. Yeah. From the highs to the lows. Exactly. From those initial sparks...-Yeah. -...to navigating those long-term-commitments... -Absolutely....and everything in between. And all the messy stuff in the middle. Right. All the challenges and triumphs. For sure. So, in this final part, I kind of want to shift gears a little bit...-Okay. -...and dive into some of those red flags. All right. Let's do it....that we've been hinting at throughout this whole deep dive. Yeah. Those warning signs that maybe a relationship isn't as healthy as it could be. Exactly. Because, you know, we often talk about, like, the big dramatic relationship issues. Yeah. Like, infidelity or betrayal.-You know, those explosive arguments. -Yeah.-The big blowouts. -But sometimes,-it's those more subtle things. -Right. Those seemingly small red flags...-Yeah. -...that can really chip away at the foundation of a relationship. Absolutely. Sometimes, it's those little things-that you don't even notice at first... -Yeah....that can do the most damage. So, what are some of those things that we should be paying attention to? Well, one of the biggest red flags, and we've talked about this before, is a lack of communication or a pattern of avoiding conflict. Yeah. This came up a lot in our research. It did. And for good reason, it can really erode a relationship over time. I mean, it seems counterintuitive, right?-It does. -Because avoiding conflict feels like you're keeping the peace. Right. You're trying to avoid a fight. But you're saying it's actually more harmful-in the long run? -It is. Because you're not actually addressing the issue.-Right. -It's like sweeping turd under the rug.-Okay. -You know, it's gonna build up eventually. Yeah, and you're gonna trip over it. Exactly. Those unexpressed feelings, those unresolved disagreements,-they don't just disappear. -Right. They fester. They do, and they create resentment.-Yeah. -And that leads to distance.-Emotional distance. -Exactly. Which can be really hard to overcome. So how can you tell if you're falling into that trap of conflict avoidance? Well, think about how you communicate with this person.-Okay. -Do you feel comfortable expressing your true thoughts and feelings?-Mm-hmm. -Even the difficult ones?-Yeah. -Or do you find yourself-holding back, -Right.-bitting your tongue, -Yeah. afraid to rock the boat? I think a lot of people avoid conflict because they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.-Right. -Or, like, damage the relationship. That's understandable. But you're saying that avoiding those conversations can actually be more damaging? It can be. Because when you bottle up your emotions, when you pretend that everything's okay-when it's not, -Yeah.-you're not being authentic. -Right. And that lack of authenticity-can create a barrier to true intimacy. -Okay.-So it's not about picking fights. -No. It's about finding a healthy way to communicate. Exactly. It's about being honest and respectful. Okay, so we've got open communication as a green flag.-Yes. -Conflict avoidance as a red flag.-Big red flag. -I got it. Another big one is, uh, lack of empathy. Empathy or emotional support. Ooh, this is a tough one. It is. It can be really subtle.-Yeah. -And hard to recognize. So think about those times when you're feeling down-or stressed or vulnerable. -Right. Do you feel like this person is there for you?-Yeah. -Are they offering a listening out?-Are they supportive? -Or do you feel dismissed? Yeah. Ridiculed, even. I think a lot of people struggle to recognize when they're not receiving enough emotional support. Right. It's easy to make excuses for the other person. But you have to pay attention to those feelings.-If you're feeling unheard, -Right.-unvalued, that's a problem. -What can we do about it? Well, the first step is to acknowledge those feelings-to yourself. -Okay. Yeah. Recognize that it's okay to feel hurt or disappointed-when your needs aren't being met. -Yeah. Okay.-And then-- -And then you can try to communicate those feelings to the other person in a calm and assertive way. But what if they get defensive?-Right. -Or dismissive? That's where those communication skills come in.-Right. Right. -It's not about blaming them.-It's about expressing your needs... -Yeah....in a clear and expectful way. So maybe something like, "Hey, when you said that,-it made me feel really hurt... -Yeah.-...and misunderstood." -Exactly."I need you to know that I'm feeling-really vulnerable right now." -Yeah."And I would really appreciate it if you could just listen without judging." Perfect. Okay. It's about being vulnerable and direct without being accusatory. And if the other person is capable of empathy... Right....they will respond with compassion.-Hopefully. -But what if they don't?-Right. -What if they just keep invalidating your feelings? That's a tough situation. And it might be a sign that the relationship isn't healthy. It's so hard to admit that sometimes. It is. But you deserve to be in a relationship-where your feelings are respected. -Yeah. If you're constantly feeling emotionally neglected, it might be time to reevaluate. That's a really hard truth to face. It is. But sometimes walking away is the most loving thing you can do.-For yourself. -For yourself. Exactly. Wow. Okay. So we've talked about lack of communication,-lack of empathy. -Yeah. Are there any other red flags? There's one more that's especially relevant-in today's digital age. -Okay. Controlling or manipulative behavior using technology. You know, this is something that really stood out to me in the psychosocial intervention article. Yeah. It's a growing problem. It's so easy to dismiss those early warning signs.-Right. -Those little acts of control. Especially when they're disguised as love or concern.-Right. Exactly. -And technology makes it so easy-to be manipulative. -It's like a digital leash. It is. And it can be really hard to break free. So what are some examples of this type of behavior? Well, think about things like constantly checking someone's location without their consent, demanding access to their phone,-their social media accounts. -Yeah. Or using technology to isolate them from their friends and family. It's scary how easy it is to do that these days. It is. That's why it's so important-to set boundaries from the beginning. -Yeah. So what can you do if you're already in a relationship where this type of behavior is happening? Well, first of all, know that you're not alone.-Okay. -This is more common than people realize.-Yeah. -There are resources available to help.-Okay. Like what? -There are hotlines...-Okay. -...support groups, websites dedicated to helping victims of abuse. And seeking professional help is always a good idea. Absolutely. A therapist can provide support and guidance.-Mm-hmm. -And remember, abuse is never the victim's fault.-Okay. -No one deserves to be treated that way. This has been such a heavy but important conversation It has. It's not easy to talk about these things.-It's so important. -It is. So as we wrap up this deep dive, what are some key takeaways that you want our listeners-to remember? -Well, I think the most important thing is that healthy relationships are built on a foundation-of respect... -Yes.-...open communication... -Yes....and a willingness to embrace each other's differences. Beautifully said. When those elements are present...-Right. -...relationships can thrive.-They can. -But when they're missing,-things can get really messy. -It's true. It's like we've been given this toolkit...-Yeah. -...for building and maintaining-healthy connections... -We have all the tools....but it's up to us to use them. And to recognize when a relationship needs some work. Right. Exactly. And it's never too late to start making changes. It's never too late. Whether it's improving communication,-cultivating empathy... -Setting boundaries. We have the power to create relationships that are fulfilling and sustainable.-We do. -I love that. It's a message of hope.-Yeah, it is. -And empowerment.-Absolutely. -We all deserve to be in relationships-that bring us joy... -We do.-Support a sense of belonging... -And love.-And by understanding these dynamics... -Right.-By being aware of those red flags... -Yeah. We can create those connections that truly enrich our lives.-Absolutely. -And make us feel loved and valued. I think that's a perfect note to end on. Me too. Thanks for joining us on this deep dive-into love and relationships. -It's been a pleasure. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. So true. And with a little bit of awareness and effort, we can all create those relationships that bring us joy, connection, and a deep sense of belonging. Absolutely.