🧘 Quiet couples: Alone time together

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In "Quiet Couples: The Power of Shared Silence," Heliox examines the unspoken language that shapes our most intimate relationships. The episode unpacks groundbreaking research on what our silences really mean, revealing four distinct types that can either strengthen or undermine connection.

While we obsess over the words we exchange with partners, those wordless moments often carry more weight than we realize. This episode dissects the science behind comfortable silences that deepen bonds and uncomfortable ones that create distance. Using self-determination theory as a framework, the hosts explore how autonomy, competence, and relatedness needs drive our silent interactions.

The most surprising revelation? Even in our hyper-connected, always-talking world, intentional silence might be the most powerful relationship tool we're not using. This episode doesn't just explain why those quiet moments matter – it shows how to harness them to build stronger partnerships in romance and beyond. For anyone who's ever wondered what their partner's silence really means, this is essential listening.

Quiet couples: Alone time together 

Intimate sounds of silence: its motives and consequences in romantic relationships

This is Heliox: Where Evidence Meets Empathy

Independent, moderated, timely, deep, gentle, clinical, global, and community conversations about things that matter.  Breathe Easy, we go deep and lightly surface the big ideas.

Transcript

0:24

Have you ever noticed how sometimes, like, not saying anything can actually say a lot?-It's kind of weird, right? -Yeah. Well, today we're gonna dive into that whole world of silence, but, like, specifically in romantic relationships. You know, we always talk about, like, analyzing every word in our conversations.-Oh, for sure. -Yeah. And especially when there are arguments and stuff. But then, like, those quiet moments.-Yeah. -Those get kind of overlooked, even though they're saying so much. They really do, and that's what, like, really stood out to me about this research paper that we're going over today,-Intimate Sounds of Silence. -Hmm. It, like, really goes deep into those silences-between partners, you know? -Right. Those times where you're just sitting there together and there are no words, like, "What's the deal with that?" Yeah, this deep dive is for anyone who's, like, ever felt that unspoken tension, or even, like, that comfortable peace with their partner.-Oh, yeah. -And you just sit there and wonder,"What's going on? What does this mean?" Yeah, exactly. And we're gonna break down not just what those silences are, but also the why, why they're happening. And the researchers actually found that there are different reasons, different motivations behind those quiet moments. And those motivations can change everything. Yeah, they used self-determination theory as, like, a framework for this. Now, this theory, it's all about what makes us do the things we do.-What are our motivations? -Okay. And it talks about three basic psychological needs that really influence those motivations. Autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Okay, so it's not just, like, you want to be silent. There's, like, a reason behind it,-a need that it's fulfilling. -Yeah, yeah, exactly. Is it coming from a place of feeling connected or feeling capable or, like, in control of what's going on? Exactly. And from that framework, the researchers identified four distinct types of silence-in romantic relationships. -Oh, wow. Okay. First, we have intrinsically motivated silence.-This sounds like the good one. -This is the good one. Think of those times where you're with your partner and you just feel completely comfortable. You know, like, words aren't even really needed because you're just enjoying that closeness.-Yeah. -You're enjoying that,-that shared understanding. -Right. It's a silence that comes from a place of, like, real, genuine connection contentment, that relatedness that we were talking about. So it's almost like the silence itself is actually making the connection stronger,-not hurting it. -Exactly.-Okay. -Then we have interjected silence.-Okay. -This one's a little more complicated. This type is driven by, like, internal pressures.-Okay. -You have, like, fear of saying the wrong thing.-Right. -It's that feeling of holding back to avoid conflict or being judged. I can see how that would tie in with the need for competence, right?-Exactly. Yeah. -You're like,"I don't know if I can handle this very well, so I'm just gonna be quiet." Yeah, it's self-protective silence, but it can create distance between partners.-Oh, okay. -And then we have-- This is the one I think most people are familiar with. Externally motivated silence. This is the classic silent treatment.-Oh, yeah, yeah. -This is where the silence is weaponized.-Yeah. -It's used as a tool, often to punish, to manipulate. And it's definitely more about control-than it is about connection. -Right. And this one leans heavily on the economy need. But not in a good way. It's about trying to control the situation.-Right, right. -Even if it hurts the relationship. And then finally, we have spontaneous silence.-Okay. -And I would imagine this is the most neutral one of the four. Yeah, yeah. It just kind of happens.-It just happens organically. -Yeah. Without any kind of, like, planned reason. You know, maybe you're both just kind of lost to your own thoughts. Or just enjoying a little peaceful pause in the conversation. It's not necessarily good or bad. It just is. It just is. Okay. So to really look closely at these different types of silence and how they actually affect relationships, the researchers did not one, not two, but four separate studies.-Yeah. -Were there any findings that, like, really surprised you? Well, the consistency of the results across all these different studies was pretty amazing. But I think, you know, before we get into the results, it helps to understand, you know, how the researchers approached this whole topic.-Yeah, for sure. -They wanted to look at silence in different ways. So they used a variety of methods to do that. So, like, how were those studies designed? What were they trying to find out? Well, you know, they started with, like, general recollections.-Okay. -Think of it like asking people to describe those silent moments in their current relationships, but just pulling from their memory. So just a snapshot of their overall experience with silence without, like, getting into specifics too much.-Right. Exactly. -Okay. And then to get, like, a day-to-day picture, they had participants keep a diary for two weeks, and they had them record their experiences with silence each day. I can see how that would give a much better understanding of, like, how all these different types of silence actually happen, you know, as you're going through your daily life.-Right. -What about the other studies? Well, they also did an experiment where participants focused-on specific instances of silence... -Okay....and categorized them by those four motivations we were talking about.-Right. -So this really helped isolate-the effects of each type. -Interesting. So it's almost like comparing apples to apples. Like, how does intrinsically motivated silence make you feel...-Exactly. -...versus, you know, externally motivated?-Exactly. -Okay. Got it. And then finally, they looked back at past relationships,-especially ones that ended badly... -Okay....to see how silence might have played a role. So they really covered a lot of ground with those four studies.-Yeah. -But let's get to the juicy part. What did they actually find out? Well, the results were pretty revealing, especially when it came to intrinsically motivated silence.-Uh-huh. -Remember, that's the silence that comes from a place of, you know,-genuine connection, comfort. -The good stuff.-The good stuff, exactly. -Mm-hmm. Across all four studies, intrinsically motivated silence was consistently linked to positive outcomes.-Okay. -Couples who experienced more of this type of silence, they reported feeling calmer, happier, and more relaxed in their relationships. So those quiet moments of togetherness actually, like, contribute to a more positive emotional atmosphere?-Mm-hmm. -That makes sense intuitively.-Yeah. -But it's fascinating to see it, like,-backed up by research. -It is. It is. And it goes even deeper than just mood.-Oh. -Those couples also reported feeling more autonomous and connected in their relationships. Like, they had a strong sense of weakness, but without feeling like they were being stifled.-Okay. -They also rated their overall relationship quality as higher. So it's like those moments of comfortable silence actually strengthen the bond between partners.-That's exactly what the research suggests. -Wow. In fact, in one of the studies, participants even described intrinsically motivated silence as actively contributing to their relationship, not just being a neutral thing. So it's not just about the absence of conflict.-Right. -It's about actually building-that connection through silence. -Exactly. That's so interesting. Now, what about those other types of silence? Did they have the same, like, rosy results?-Not quite. -Okay. Intrajected and externally motivated silence, those driven by, you know, fear or manipulation, they painted a different picture. I imagine that wouldn't be good news.-No, not really. -Yeah. These types were consistently linked to negative feelings,-anxiety, sadness, tension. -Yeah. And a lower sense of connection and support-within the relationship. -Okay. In some cases, they were even connected to relationship breakups. That makes sense. When you're, like, holding back out of fear or using silence as a weapon, it's gonna create distance and hurt.-Exactly. -Yeah. Now, spontaneous silence, that was kind of mixed bag.-Okay. -Sometimes it showed positive links, sometimes no clear connection to relationship quality at all, but it was never linked to negative outcomes. So those random moments of quiet, they seem to be pretty neutral overall,-neither helping nor harming. -Mm. Okay. But I'm curious, across all the studies, was there a general emotional theme associated with silence regardless of what type it was? Yeah, actually, there was. And this is really interesting. Across the board, silence, regardless of the reason behind it, was more likely to be characterized by low-arousal positive emotions. Think calmness, relaxation, serenity.-Oh, wow. -More so than any other type of feeling. So even when the silence is motivated by reasons that aren't ideal, it still can kind of bring about a sense of calm. It speaks to that potential of silence, too, to create a space for peace and reflection, even amidst difficult emotions or challenging situations. This is also fascinating, but I imagine our listeners are probably thinking,"Okay, so silence can be good, bad, or neutral. So what do I do with this information? How do we actually apply these insights to our own relationships?" That's a great question, and it's what we're going to focus on-in the next part of our deep dive. -Okay, awesome. We'll explore how you can become more aware of the different types of silence in your own relationship. And more importantly, how you can cultivate more of that golden silence, the kind that strengthens your bond and brings you closer to your partner.-Stay tuned. -Thank you to our community, which now spans 59 countries within 394 cities in 15 languages, with auto-translated captions on YouTube and our English closed captions on all providers. Such a wide range of ages, mostly 18 and older. Thank you to those who have subscribed or followed on your podcast provider and sub stack. You are widely outnumbered by those that have not yet subscribed. It makes a difference to independent producers like Heliox. Please consider following, subscribing, and liking. Start a discussion on the episode content. Listen to the end for the sub stack address. Back to Heliox, where evidence meets empathy. Welcome back. I don't know about you, but I'm already looking at, like, those quiet moments in my own relationship a little differently after that last part. It's kind of crazy how something we just, like, take for granted, silence,-can actually be so complex. -Right. But knowing the different types is just the first step. You know? The real change comes when we start actually using this knowledge in our own lives and our relationships. Absolutely. So how do we actually do that? How do we get more of that intrinsically motivated silence? The kind that helps us connect and feel good.-It all starts with awareness, I think. -Okay. You know, think about those times where you and your partner-have just sat in comfortable silence. -Yeah. What made those moments feel so good?-Yeah. -What was different about them compared to, say, like, the silent treatment? Yeah, you're right. It's not just about being quiet. It's the energy behind it. It's the intention. Exactly. So start paying attention to those quiet moments.-Okay. -What type of silence is it? You know, are you both content and connected,-or is there, like, an underlying tension? -Yeah.-Or a sense of, like, holding back? -Right, right. And once we know what's going on, how do we change it? Like, what if we realize we're in that pattern-of introjected silence? -Mm-hmm.-Holding back out of fear? -That's where-- That's where I think, like, open communication is so important.-Okay. -You know, it's about creating that safe space where both people feel like they can really say what they're feeling.-Right. -Without feeling judged. So instead of just staying quiet out of fear, we talk about the fear, and that actually helps us connect-and be comfortable with the silence. -Exactly. Exactly. Now, if externally motivated silence is like a pattern, that's a sign that there's some deeper issues-that need to be worked out. -Yeah. You know, the silent treatment is never a healthy way to communicate. No, it's like using silence as a weapon.-Yeah, and it always backfires. -Yeah. You know, in those cases, it's really important to have an honest conversation about how you're communicating-and how to break those bad habits. -Right. But let's focus on the positive. How do we create more of that peaceful, connected silence? Yeah, that kind of just makes you feel like closer than ever.-I think mindfulness has a lot to do with it. -Okay. You know, it's about really being present, really listening to your partner,-and letting silence just be there. -Yeah.-Without feeling like you have to fill it. -Right. Like giving yourself permission to just be together, no pressure to, like, perform or entertain. And, you know, sometimes the simplest things-can make a huge difference. -Mm-hmm. Like putting your phones away, turning off the TV. Just creating that space where you can actually focus on each other without any distractions. It's amazing how much we can connect when we get rid of those distractions, isn't it?-Yeah. -It's like it creates that vacuum-that pulls you in. -Yeah. It's about being intentional with your time and energy and making those quiet moments of peace and connection a priority. You know, it reminds me of those scenes in movies where the couple is, like, gazing into each other's eyes.-Mm-hmm. -Just sharing a silent moment. But you're saying those moments aren't just for the big screen.-No, not at all. -We can actually have those in real life. Absolutely. It's about creating a space where you can really see each other-and be seen by each other... -Yeah....without needing to use words. This has been so eye-opening, but before we wrap up, I'm kind of curious about something. We've been talking about silence in romantic relationships, but could these insights apply to other relationships as well? Like, what about family or friends or even colleagues at work? That's a great question, and it's something researchers are starting to look into. You know, most of the research has been about-romantic relationships. -Right. But the basic idea of silence as communication could definitely apply to other types of bonds. So, those four types of silence that we talked about, intrinsic, introjected, external, spontaneous, those could apply to how we interact with friends and family,-co-workers, too. -Think about it. Have you ever had that moment with a close friend-where you're just sitting in silence? -Yeah. And you just know what the other person is thinking? Oh, for sure. For sure. That feeling of being completely understood without having to say anything. That's intrinsically motivated silence. And it's not just in romantic relationships. And on the other hand, I can definitely think of times when I felt like I had to stay silent at a family gathering. Or even like I've done the silent treatment to a co-worker who was annoying me. Yeah, those are classic examples of...-introjected and externally motivated silence. -Right. As we've talked about, they can have negative effects-in any relationship. -So, how do we use what we've learned about silence and use it in those other parts of our lives? Is it the same, like being aware and making changes? The principles are the same. You know, become aware of the types of silence,-think about why they're happening... -Yeah....and then make choices about how you use silence.-Okay. -If you're feeling pressured to be quiet, find a way to actually say what you're thinking and feeling. And if we want to use silence as a weapon, find a better way to express our frustration. Exactly. You know, silence isn't always a bad thing.-Right. -It could be a powerful tool to build connection, understanding, empathy. Imagine you're having a serious conversation with a friend.-Mm-hmm. -And there's a long pause-after they share something really personal. -Yeah. That silence can be a sign of...-of really deep listening. -Oh, yeah.-Giving them space to feel heard. -Right. And in a work setting, you know, taking a moment of silence before responding to, like, a tough email.-Yeah. -Or during a tense meeting. It can help you really think about what you want to say. It's like being strategic with silence.-Mm-hmm. -Using it to make communication better, not worse. It sounds like this all boils down to just being... mindful and respectful of silence, no matter what kind of relationship it is.-I think that's a great way to put it. -Yeah. As you go through your day, pay attention to the silence in all your relationships. Notice the different types, how they make you feel, and how they affect your connections. And remember, silence can really help you build stronger,-more meaningful relationships... -Yeah....with everyone in your life. This deep dive has been amazing. I feel like I have a whole new understanding-of the power of silence. -Me too. It's incredible how something so simple can have such a big impact on us. Well, to our listeners, we encourage you-to embrace the sounds of silence. -Mm. Explore what they mean and see how they can change your relationships in ways you never thought possible. Until next time, keep diving deep.