The Silent Crisis: How Emotional Detachment Is Killing Relationships

Love isn't dead. It's just trapped behind a wall of stoicism.

A review on relationship dynamics reveals something many women have suspected for decades: emotional unavailability isn't just annoying—it's relationship poison. The research is clear and damning. Relationships where men maintain emotional distance are 35-40% more likely to end in divorce over a 10-year period.

This isn't just another think piece about communication. We're talking about a generational pattern that's destroying marriages and partnerships at an alarming rate.

You know him. Maybe you're married to him. Perhaps he's your father or grandfather. The man who shows love through actions but rarely through words. He'll fix your car but won't tell you he's proud of you. He'll call you "sweetheart" but choke on the words "I love you."

This isn't a character flaw—it's a cultural inheritance.

Baby Boomer and early Gen X men grew up in a world where emotional restraint wasn't just encouraged—it was mandatory for "real men." Their fathers returned from wars with emotions locked away. Their mothers praised stoicism as strength. The result? An entire generation of men who were taught that vulnerability equals weakness.

According to comprehensive research, 60-70% of men from these generations demonstrate this emotional detachment. A staggering 80-90% practice what researchers call "silent loyalty"—showing commitment through deeds while remaining emotionally distant.

But here's the kicker: what worked in 1955 is failing catastrophically in modern relationships. The research is brutal in its clarity:  ... 

This is Heliox: Where Evidence Meets Empathy

Independent, moderated, timely, deep, gentle, clinical, global, and community conversations about things that matter.  Breathe Easy, we go deep and lightly surface the big ideas.

Thanks for listening today!

Four recurring narratives underlie every episode: boundary dissolution, adaptive complexity, embodied knowledge, and quantum-like uncertainty. These aren’t just philosophical musings but frameworks for understanding our modern world. 

We hope you continue exploring our other podcasts, responding to the content, and checking out our related articles on the Heliox Podcast on Substack. 

Transcript

0:25

This is Heliox, where evidence meets empathy. Independent, moderated, timely, deep, gentle, clinical, global, and community conversations about things that matter. Breathe easy. We go deep and lightly surface the big ideas. Or maybe it's that kind of relationship dynamic where, you know, he's clearly into you. You can feel it. But he's just got this way about him. You know what I mean? Like he's not big on saying those mushy, gushy things. Or he doesn't really seem all that interested in your, you know, your hobbies and stuff. Does that ring a bell? Absolutely. I think a lot of people are going to be nodding their heads right now. Yep. And that's exactly what we're calling stoic behavior in relationships. And we've been digging into a ton of research so we can give you the lowdown, the shortcut to understanding, all of this, all this complexity without, you know, needing to become relationship experts yourself. Right. So we've been looking at this really fascinating, really comprehensive study called Stoicism and Relationships, metastudy.pdf. Yeah. It's an incredible piece of research. It really pulls together insights from all these different studies and experts to give us a clearer picture of, well, you know, this dynamic that so many people experience but don't always have the words for. Totally. And that's what we're here for, to give you the words. So what we're going to do is break this whole thing down for you. First off, we've got to figure out, like, what does this stoic behavior actually look like? Yeah. What are the signs? What are the things to watch out for, according to this big meta study? Yeah. And then, you know, we've got to know how common this really is. Like, is this just a few guys or are we talking about like a whole generation? And, you know, does culture play a part? Does where you grew up matter? Right, right. And then the big question, does this whole Stoic thing actually affect how happy and how successful those relationships are in the long run? You know, the million dollar question. Yeah, that's the one everyone wants to know. Right. So let's get started. Let's let's jump right into it. So based on this meta study, what are some of those, you know, those telltale signs of Stoicism in a relationship? Like what behaviors should we be looking out for? Well, one of the things the study really points to is this lack of, how do I put it? It's like a shortage of verbal affirmation or validation towards the woman in the relationship. It's not that the feelings aren't there. It's that they don't really get expressed out loud. So we're talking about like not hearing things like, oh, wow, you're so talented or I'm really proud of you. Exactly. It's that missing piece, like the verbal recognition, the positive feedback, even when it's deserved. Right, right, right. Like he might be thinking it, but he's just not saying it. Okay, so that's one thing. What else did the study find? Well, another pretty interesting marker, you could say, is that they don't say, I love you very often. Yeah, and the study really contrasts this with, you know, how often they use these kind of everyday terms of endearment, like sweetheart or honey or maybe even a deer in a text message, you know. Okay. So it's not that they're completely cold or anything, but it's like there's this limit, this cap on how much they're willing to express their feelings. So it's not an emotional drought, but more like they're giving you, you know, just a sip of water when you're really thirsty. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Okay, so less verbal praise, less I love you, but maybe a honey here and there. Got it. Now, what about how they engage with their partner's passions, their interests, you know, all that stuff that makes them tick? Well, this is where the study found another interesting pattern. It seems like there's often a lack of real interest in that part of their partner's life, you know, the things that are important to them. So like not asking about their hobbies or not really showing a lot of curiosity about what they're going through? Yeah, it's like their partner's inner world isn't really a priority for them to connect with. Okay, so we've got the lack of compliments, the I love you drought, and the distance from their partner's passions. But, and this is key, the study makes it clear that this is all happening even when there is genuine affection there. It's not that they don't care. It's just that they express it differently. Yeah. Or maybe don't express it much at all. So to really get this, we need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Like, why might someone be like this? So the study digs into the whole cultural and generational side of things, which I think is really interesting. Absolutely. So let's talk about Western culture. You know, Europe and North America, especially back in the mid-20th century. What were the ideas about how men were supposed to act, emotionally speaking? Well, it's fascinating when you look back because back then being a real man, especially in those more, you know, upper class circles, often meant holding your emotions in check, you know, showing restraint. Right. Like if you showed too much emotion, it was seen as a sign of weakness or like you weren't really in control. And love, well, love was something you showed by what you did, you know, providing for your family, protecting them. It wasn't so much about talking about your feelings. Oh, wow. So it was a whole different ballgame back then. Oh, yeah, for sure. And in that kind of setting, those, you know, those little terms of endearment like sweetheart, they were kind of like a safe bet. You could show affection without having to, you know, really open up emotionally. Yeah, exactly. It was a way to to connect without breaking those those unspoken rules about how men should behave. Right. Right. And we still see that today. You know, the sweethearts and the honeys. It's like it's part of the language of affection, but it doesn't always go deeper than that. Exactly. Okay, so that's the broader cultural thing. But let's zoom in on the specific generation. The baby boomers and early Gen X, the folks born in the 50s and 60s. How did the way they were raised play into all of this? That's a great question. And the study really digs into how these patterns might have been passed down through families. Like referencing some findings from the APA, they point out that this generation often grew up in a time when, well, you know, being open about your feelings just wasn't encouraged. especially for men and their parents who had lived through, you know, wars and all sorts of hardships. They often set the example of being emotionally reserved. So for a lot of guys from that generation, stoicism wasn't just a societal ideal. It was how they were brought up. Right. Right. So it was like learned behavior from the get go. But then things started to change in the 70s and 80s. You know, the women's liberation movement and this whole push for more openness and equality in relationships. How did that affect those baby boomer guys? That's a really key point. While those changes definitely had an impact, the study found that men from more traditional backgrounds or those who were really, you know, set in their ways, they often stuck to their old habits. So you had this kind of clash between the old way and the new way. Like old dogs, new tricks kind of thing. Yeah, something like that. So let's talk numbers. Based on the study, how common is this stoic behavior in that generation? OK, sure. Like starting with that lack of, you know, saying nice things. Right. Well, the study says it's pretty common, actually. About 30 to 40 percent of men from that age group tend to be pretty stingy with verbal compliments, especially in those long term relationships. And the idea behind it seems to be that, you know, once you're already committed, saying those things just feels unnecessary. Like it's a given. So that's a pretty big chunk of the population. And the study gives a good example here about, you know, a guy who might compliment his partner on how she looks, but not on, say, you know, her career achievements or how she manages the house. Right. And it ties back to that upbringing we talked about where keeping your feelings to yourself was seen as a good thing. And that's so different from how things are now. Totally. Nowadays, it's all about communication, expressing your feelings. In fact, studies show that around 70% of younger couples really value verbal affirmation in their relationships. So, yeah, big shift. All right, what about that I love you thing? How often are those three little words being said or not being said? Well, according to the study, it's moderately common for those guys to rarely say I love you. Like maybe 20 to 30% of Western men over 50. Right, the sweethearts and honeys. Exactly. And the study even mentions a guy who will text darling but avoids saying I love you because how his family was. It really shows how ingrained those patterns can be, you know. Yeah, like an emotional habit almost. Okay, so what about that whole lack of interest in the partner's hobbies and things? How prevalent is that? Well, it's not as common as the, you know, the lack of compliments or the I love you scarcity. It's more like 25 to 35 percent of long-term couples. And the study suggests that this might happen more when, well, the relationship is more focused on the practical stuff, you know, day-to-day life, rather than on connecting on a deeper emotional level. Okay, I see. And it's actually less common in couples who are more educated and have more, you know, shared intellectual interests. So like the guy who loves to talk politics but couldn't care less about his partner's painting hobby? Yeah, exactly. So we've talked about compliments saying I love you and engaging with each other's passions. What about that deeper emotional connection? You know, is that there even if it's not expressed out loud? That's a good question. And the study actually says this is super common. Like maybe 40 to 50 percent of guys show their love through actions, through just being there, through physical affection. Right. But not so much through words or really diving into their partner's feelings. Right. It's that silent loyalty thing. Showing love through deeds, not words. So if we look at this whole generation, these baby boomer and early Gen X guys, what's the takeaway? Like how widespread was all this stoicism? Well, based on the data, it seems like that whole actions speak louder than words thing was pretty prevalent for maybe 60 to 70 percent of them. The casual endearments like that was even more common, like 70 to 80 percent. Not really engaging with the partner's inner world. That was less common, maybe around 40 to 50 percent. But again, less so in those more educated couples. And then that whole silent loyalty thing, that was super common, like 80 to 90 percent. Wow. Those are big numbers. Yeah, it really shows how much of a norm this was for that generation. And the study also mentions how things like social class and education can play a role, too. Right. So it's not just about age. It's about like your background and all that. Exactly. And, you know, obviously things are different today. Like you said, younger couples are much more into verbal affirmation. Oh, yeah, for sure. That 70 percent figure really highlights that shift in expectations. And I bet for someone who grew up after, you know, the whole women's lib thing, especially someone who's educated, it'd be hard to be with the guy who's stuck in that old stoic mindset. Oh, absolutely. What might have been seen as, you know, normal or even attractive back then could feel really off-putting now. Right. Like you're not getting your emotional needs met. Exactly. So we've talked about what stoicism looks like and how common it was. But the big question is, does it actually lead to relationships falling apart? That's the million dollar question, isn't it? And this is where the study really brings together all this different research from, you know, all these experts who have been studying couples for years. So before we dive into all that, let's just recap those key terms, you know, just to be clear. OK, sounds good. So stoicism in men in this context is that whole package we've been talking about. The lack of compliments, the I love you thing, the distance from their partner's feelings. Right. And emotional expressiveness is the opposite of that. Being open, affectionate, and interested in your partner's world. And when we say relationship failure, we're talking about divorce, breakups, or just being so unhappy that you eventually call it quits. Right. So with those definitions in mind, let's look at the research. And the study starts with John Gottman, who's kind of like a rock star in the relationship world. Oh, yeah. He's a legend. So what did Gottman find out about guys who keep their emotions bottled up and don't really connect with their partners on that level? Well, Gottman and his colleague Robert Levinson, they spent decades observing couples. And what they found was that couples where the man was emotionally distant, those couples had a much higher divorce rate, like 35 to 40 percent higher over a 10-year period compared to couples where the guy was more emotionally open. Wow, that's huge. And they actually pinpointed something called stonewalling, which is basically that emotional withdrawal we talked about is a major red flag for relationship problems. It's right up there with, you know, being critical, being contemptuous and being defensive. Not good. Not good at all. And on the flip side, they found that in couples where the man was supportive and responsive to his partner's attempts to connect. Well, those couples had a way higher success rate, like 85 percent of them stayed together for more than 15 years. OK, so that really shows how important emotional connection is. Yeah. And it makes me think back to that example of the guy who's not interested in his partner's hobby. Like from Gottman's perspective, that's not just a random thing. It's actually a missed opportunity to connect and it can lead to resentment down the line. Exactly. Now let's talk about attachment theory, which is this whole area of research that looks at how our childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. Right. Like how our relationships with our parents influence how we relate to romantic partners. Exactly. And the study we're looking at points to this connection between an avoidant attachment style and stoicism. Okay, so remind me, what's an avoidant attachment style again? So basically, people with an avoidant attachment style, they tend to be uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy. They like to keep their distance, emotionally speaking. And that sounds a lot like stoicism. Exactly. And researchers like Mikulinser and Shaver, they've done a lot of work in this area, and their findings are pretty clear. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to have less stable relationships, like they have a higher breakup rate, around 25 to 30 percent higher than people who are more secure and comfortable with intimacy. So that feeling of not being seen, of not being emotionally understood by your partner, it really takes a toll. It does. And on the other hand, their research also found that people who are secure and expressive, they tend to have relationships that last longer, about 20 percent longer on average. And their breakup rates are way lower, like 60 to 70 percent lower. That's a big difference. OK, so we've got Gottman and attachment theory. The study also mentions this meta-analysis by Li and Fung that looked at how a man's emotional expressiveness affects his partner's happiness. Oh, yeah. That one's really interesting. What did they find? So Li and Fung, they analyzed data from over 50 studies, and they found that when men are more open and expressive, their partners are way happier. Like their relationship satisfaction levels are about 30 percent higher. and they're less likely to break up too. Their breakup rates are 15 to 20% lower. But on the flip side, when the man is stoic, the woman often reports feeling emotionally neglected, like their needs aren't being met. And this can lead to these really destructive cycles of emotional withdrawal, which can eventually lead to a breakup. In fact, about 50% of those couples end up separating within 10 years. Wow, that's a pretty grim statistic. It is, and it really highlights how important it is to feel emotionally connected and supported in a relationship. Right. And it makes me think back to that example of the woman who wants to hear I love you, but only gets called honey. Exactly. Over time, that gap between what she needs and what she's getting can become a real problem. So we've talked about Gottman attachment theory and Li and Fung. What about the role of, you know, society and how men are raised? Right, right. Well, there's some great research by Levant and his colleagues that dives into that. Their work shows that those traditional ideas about masculinity, you know, the whole strong and silent thing, have had a real impact on relationships. They found that stoic men from that generation, they actually had a higher divorce rate, something like 30 to 35 percent than guys who were more comfortable expressing their feelings. And I'm guessing that's because as society changed and women started expecting more emotional equality, the stoic guys just couldn't keep up. Exactly. Their partners wanted more communication, more emotional support, and the Stoic guys just weren't wired that way. Right. So it was like a mismatch of expectations. Exactly. And their research also found that those Stoic men, they didn't do as much relationship maintenance. You know, things that keep a relationship healthy and strong, like showing interest in their partner's world or expressing appreciation. And that lack of effort increased their chances of breaking up by about 25 percent. OK, so it wasn't just about not expressing feelings. It was also about not actively nurturing the relationship. Right, exactly. But on a positive note, their research also showed that guys who were able to adapt to those changing social norms and become more emotionally expressive, they actually had much more stable and long lasting relationships. Like 70 percent of their relationships lasted over 20 years. So there's hope for those stoic guys who are willing to step up their emotional game. Absolutely. Now, the last piece of research the study mentions is about specific behaviors, like how often you say, I love you. Oh, interesting. Yeah, they talk about the work of Chapman and Campbell, who are big names in the five love languages world. Right, the idea that everyone has different ways of giving and receiving love. Exactly. And what Chapman and Campbell found was that in couples where there wasn't a lot of verbal affirmation, they were 20% more likely to break up within five years. Especially if one partner really valued hearing, I love you. Exactly. And they found that while those stoic guys who use pet names, they could sometimes make it work, the relationships were still much more likely to fail if the partner felt unloved because they weren't hearing those magic words. So it's not just about saying nice things in general. It's about saying the specific things your partner needs to hear. Exactly. Okay. So we've covered a lot of ground here from Gottman to attachment theory to Lee and Fung to Levant to Chapman and Campbell. What's the bottom line? Does being stoic actually make a relationship more likely to fail? Based on all this research, it seems pretty clear that it does. Like the odds of having serious relationship problems or even breaking up are significantly higher for those stoic guys. Maybe 20 to 40 percent higher. And it seems like the main reasons are that lack of emotional give and take that Gottman talked about. And the fact that partners often feel emotionally neglected like Lian Fung found. Right. So it's not just about being quiet. It's about not meeting your partner's emotional needs. But the study does say that it's not always a death sentence for the relationship. That's true. Some couples, maybe 50 to 60 percent of them, can make it work even if one partner is pretty stoic, especially if the other partner is OK with that or if there are other really strong parts of the relationship that make up for it. So it's not impossible, but it's definitely an uphill battle. Right. And nowadays, with the focus on emotional openness and communication, it's even harder for those stoic guys to keep their relationships afloat. So to wrap this all up, what are the key takeaways from our deep dive into stoicism in relationships? Well, the main thing is that while this stoic behavior was pretty common for certain guys, you know, especially those baby boomers and early Gen Xers, in today's world, it can be a real recipe for relationship problems. Because emotional expressiveness is so important now. Exactly. And all the research we've looked at, it shows that couples where the guy is emotionally distant, they're just more likely to struggle and potentially break up. So listeners, think about your own experiences. Have you seen this stoicism in action? In your own relationships or maybe in the relationships of people you know, does this research make you see things in a new light? And here's a final thought to chew on. How can we bridge this gap between those old school stoic ways and those more modern expectations around emotional openness? Right. Like how can couples with different styles of communication find a way to connect on a deeper level? Maybe it's about being more aware of your own needs and your partner's needs. Or maybe it's about being willing to adapt and try new ways of communicating. Whatever it is, it's clear that emotional connection is crucial for building strong and fulfilling relationships. Couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for joining us on the Deep Dive, everyone. See you next time. See you then. Thanks for listening today. Four recurring narratives underlie every episode. Boundary dissolution, adaptive complexity, embodied knowledge, and quantum-like uncertainty. These aren't just philosophical musings, but frameworks for understanding our modern world. We hope you continue exploring our other podcasts, responding to the content, and checking out our related articles at helioxpodcast.substack.com.