Strengthening Relationships with Dr. Brittany McGeehan

In this episode, we’re sitting down with Dr. Brittany McGeehan, a psychologist and mindset performance coach, to talk about the complexities of relationships in motherhood. We explore how love languages shift after kids, why the mental load affects intimacy, and how emotional availability plays a key role in a healthy marriage. Dr. Brittany also shares powerful insights on self-abandonment, setting boundaries, and practical ways to reconnect with yourself and your partner. Plus, she answers some of our biggest relationship questions—including how to navigate tough conversations and break generational cycles.

🎧 Tune in now for a real, honest conversation on motherhood, marriage, and keeping the connection alive!

Connect with Brittany McGeehan:

Instagram: @brittanymcgeehanphd

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/brittanymcgeehanphd

Website: www.brittanymcgeehanphd.com

Follow Us on Instagram: @alexandria.and.leesha
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Transcript

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Alright, we are back. Happy Friday everybody and today we have a super super fun guest who we call our super fan I know that you guys have heard us talk about this in the past, but she's here with us today. We are super super excited We have dr. Brittany McGeehan with us and we are gonna be talking kind of like a follow-up episode to our dating your spouse So we have a expert in the house. So Brittany, I will let you take it away and give us a little bit of your background Yeah, yeah, yes. So I'm a licensed psychologist and a mindset performance coach. And I specialize in working with C-suite women who have experienced childhood trauma and are looking to build healthier marriages, businesses, all the things, right? Like really women in general, mothers who are interested in stepping out of self-abandonment and into a more full life. That's my jam. Yay, we are excited. And you have two little, so that fits in. yes, I have two littles. They're wild. Yeah, my feral toddlers. They're super fun. I have a marriage. I paid a lot of money for it. It's fun. It's like what I tell people. I mean, it's great, right? Like my clients are like, my gosh, how did you get that? I like, paid a lot of money for it. That's, that's exactly what happened. We got it in therapy. Yeah. saying though. Okay, well, we talked about some love languages in our recent episode, a couple episodes back, if anybody's keeping track. How do you think they change after becoming parents and how can couples adjust to those shifts? We're just gonna dive right in. I love it. I love it so much. Oh my gosh. And love languages are like so interesting, right? But like, I think that it depends on the phase of parenthood that you're in, because I feel like initially, especially depending on how many kids you have, it's like man to man combat, right? Especially when you have like little bitties. And so love languages, they're a lot more about survival. I think, and I am such a creepy like super fan. I'm like, y'all talked about this in the other episode. you ha! But like, Lisa, I think you said they change depending on how your needs are met, right? So I'm a really big like physical touch person, but absolutely not. Don't come near me when I'm breastfeeding and there's a baby attached to my, like all those things, right? So they get a lot more survival kind of face, like physical touch might be, I'm gonna put my foot next to you and this is great and this is close enough and don't come closer to me. I'm a real big, I love cuddling, I love touches, but like literally right now in this season, I'm like, I love you, but like, I want my big toe right here and like, is enough for me. So I feel like you have to like, continually check in with your partner, right? Hey, usually you really enjoy this. And in general, what are we struggling with? If it is access service that you usually really enjoy, that's going to feel really impossible, possibly for your partner to do that when you're washing bottles, a million. times, like over and over and over again. And so I think also like having tons and tons of grace. I don't want to say like they go out the window, but I kind of feel like they do, especially as you're early in parenthood. And then it's just to continual because I think in every season of life, right, you're always re-learning who you are. I like my husband and I like we're college sweethearts, bulls. And Like we've been married to like 10 different people is what we like to say. Like there's so many different versions of ourselves who have come into this relationship and all of them have different love languages. Yeah, yeah, I really, I mean, both of us can relate to that because we both. have been with our husbands. I've been with mine since I was in ninth grade. So it's been, you know, and I've always kind of told people that when people, when your high school sweethearts, you either grow up together or you grow apart as you grow older because so many things happen or you miss out on experiences that just you can't disconnect from, you know, like, okay, I missed out on that and I want to go experience that or things in general, but. Yeah. that's definitely relatable. You took the words right out of my mouth about that. You either grow together and keep learning from each other or you just kind of just fall apart basically. And it takes a lot of work. Definitely. So you said your love language is personal touch right now and it's the big toe for you. It is, it is the big toe. It's what lights me. just want a little bit of regulation, a little bit of, know you're there, but don't look at me too much because I got a lot of that happening. That and quality time. I'm such a big quality time person, but even that's different right now, right? Like in the past it was, let's go on a date, let's go bowling. And right now for us, it's playing chess on the table throughout the day. I love that. Yeah, right. Like it doesn't take tons of time, but it's still like a connection activity or UNO. We get very, very competitive. So we get that. yep, we play games together all the time. As like, you know, all four of us or just with my husband, we play games. So. Leisha and her husband are competitive. It's actually really funny to watch them play together when they're like opposing. I feel like that's why Leisha's always like, we have to be teams. it's safer that way. Okay, so we are going to talk a little bit about how to rebuild intimacy and connection. So, if a parent is feeling disconnected, what are some practical ways that they can come back together? I like I have such a good therapy answer for this because I'm like, it depends. It like really depends, right? Like a lot of times, especially like moms will come into my office and they're like, I feel disconnected from my partner. And as we're talking, I'm like, yes, that's true. But you also feel really disconnected from yourself. And if that's true, you have to start there because you can't, I don't want say like you can't, but it's very challenging to connect with someone if you're not connected with what's happening on the inside for you. So I think that's like the first step is figuring out like, chicken or the egg sort of situation. Where am I really feeling this? And is the reason I don't have connection within my relationship because I'm just like, there's a drought on the inside, right? Maybe I need to go for a walk. Maybe I need to get quiet and journal. All of those things are helpful. Just finding time, I think, to figure out the why. And then specifically within the relationship, if there is like a disconnect there happening, again, what is happening there? is your partner withdrawing and so you're not feeling like you're getting enough? That happens a lot with like myself and my clients, right? And so what do we tend to do like in reaction is like we bombard them more. Let me tell you all the things and hope that you give me more. But in terms of attachment styles, you're actually pushing them a little bit farther away. Or is there just like nothing happening at all, right? And that's an entirely different conversation. Yeah. Well, I really like that bit about if you're having that issue looking within. And I think that that's partially why we're so passionate about this community that we're building is because moms need something for them. And if they don't have that, then it kind of overflows into all the other areas. can't be the best mom or they can't be the best spouse or they can't be the best friend. So it's really important for people, moms to take and dads, I think, to take time for themselves to find themselves. too, like that aren't just their spouse because you can't get everything from one person. You need those multiple people to fill your bucket kind of thing. 100%. Yes, absolutely. So. Let's see. Okay. So many moms struggle with feeling like their partner doesn't see or appreciate their mental load, which we talked a lot about mental load and that are dating your spouse episode and how that can kind of just trickle down basically through your entire relationship. How can couples have healthier conversations around balancing responsibilities or like what the mental load looks like for them? How can we have that conversation with our spouses in a healthy way? Yeah, so I'm a really big advocate of scheduling conversations. A lot of times I think what happens is we get really frustrated in the moment and then it's, and then you don't do this and you don't do this, right? And it's sort of like in the heat of the moment when we're already activated. And so you speak from a place of a wound rather than a place of partnership. So ideally it's you and partner sitting next to each other and we're facing the problem. versus usually if you're doing it in the moment, you're kind of facing each other and the partner is the issue. So I'm a big advocate for, we call them state of the unions at our house. Every Sunday we have a state of the union. And that is our relationship meeting, right? Where you bring all the issues to the table. And it's fun. And we have like really good food and usually we're sitting outside and we usually like pick the kids into a yard or something. But scheduling it ahead of time and sort of letting them know. I think is the biggest step. And then again, getting curious about is there anything coming online for you? So with a lot of moms, I mean, we're programmed to be good girls, right? Growing up and what is a good girl? A good girl is quiet. A good girl helps. A good girl makes herself small. Unless you just had stellar parents in which case like, love that, right? But typically we're not championed to be loud or to do what we want. It is. good girls wear the dresses or they basically fit a very, I hope you can't hear my daughter, sorry. Okay, she's singing, but she's singing Frozen right outside my door. She's having a concert and she's screaming it. Speaking of good girls and quiet girls, right? Like we're just, not taught to put ourselves first. It is smile at the stranger even if he makes you uncomfortable. Give them hugs even if you don't want to. And all of that trickles into wounding that we carry with us in adulthood. Usually it's not like some big trauma drama. It's just that like, that was hurtful when we were little and that gets activated. So also getting curious about is something like that coming up for you. because that's a separate issue and that's not your partner's job to fix that or to tend to that. Like that is really your responsibility and maybe they can be aware of it. maybe they can be sensitive to that, right? They're not gonna go poking a bear, but that's really your job to handle between you and like little you. I have a follow-up question for this. So you are like, you know, take it in the heat of the moment. Sometimes things can get set. So my husband and I, I'm going to use our relationship as for my question. we have two very different communication styles in when like we have a disagreement. He wants to solve it right then and there and doesn't want to walk away until it has been fixed. I need to like sit with it. because I know I will say it. I regret or it comes out wrong because I'm fired up or whatever the case may be. How would you approach bringing those two different communication styles in dealing with stuff like that into community? Like how is a better way to approach that? Yeah, so like, I wanna know why again. But I wanna know like, what is the, is there a fear in leaving the conversation, right? So I know that I tend to be that person in my marriage. I'm like, let's handle it right now. And a lot of it is I have a lot of energy, but also there is, right, like just first and foremost. But also the fear is we're not gonna come back to it. So there's an anxiety of like, I don't like feeling tension in our relationship and I don't want this to get dropped. It's really, really important to me. And that's a very separate issue versus, I don't know what the reason is that you might wanna not wait to have the conversation, right? So that's like my first question. And then my second question is for you, you said you wanted to wait because you wanna be like very mindful of sort of like what you're sharing in the heat of the moment, right? To me, that makes a lot of sense. And then are there other ways that you can meet that need rather than tabling it for a few days later? So maybe for y'all, it is like, let's take a five, 10 minute, one hour break. You have a chance to go for a walk, maybe like a journal, right? All the things you want to say on paper, get it out, right? And that's like practicing healthy containment. But then he sort of has the reassurance that he needs that y'all are going to come back and tackle the issue. Anytime I tell people to do that, I always say set a time. Usually that's helpful. So it's not we're going to come back later. It's like, okay, we're coming back at like 401 or whatever it is. So there's a very clear, actionable plan. And then the more that you do that, the more you're going to build trust. And usually what happens with people is like after you've done that a few times, it gets a lot easier to kind of tolerate the distress and to handle things in the moment. Okay. I really liked that idea. think that my husband would probably really like that approach better. We, usually am like, we'll talk about it after bedtime kind of person. He, we have different schedules though too. So that's kind of like a challenging time for him, but works better for me. which isn't really fair. So having like a set like, let's talk about it when the girls are napping or whatever the case may be would be a better. I think, approach to that. So I like that tool. Okay, so let's move into a new section. We kind of talked about moms prioritizing themselves, but obviously that's easier said than done. And we kind of, that's why we're trying to help moms in our local area of trying to prioritize that. But what are some practical and like actual tools for moms to start making themselves a priority without guilt attached to that? Oof. so I saw that question and I was like, that answer does not exist. Right. really, I'm a huge, I'm a like very big behaviorist. So I'm like, we don't get to say that I want to do this thing and not have any guilt attached to it. I'm like, there will be guilt and that's the way through it is to do it anyway. Sometimes like for me, it's like, my friend will call me and like ask me to lunch or to get our nails done. And I'm like white knuckling having to get out the door because I don't want to go. feel like a bad mom. feel like I haven't spent enough time with my kids. And I usually I'm saying those things out loud. Like honestly, I want to bail. Honestly, I want to cancel. I'm going to go. I know it's good for me. So I'm a verbal processor clearly. And that really helps me to just get it out until I like name it to tame it is what we call it with kids. and it actually helps you pull up and out of sort of that primal part of your limbic system, which is a very primal part of your brain that gets activated with children. because like evolution says to protect them, right? Which we as mothers take and because of social media and all the different things, it's like now I need to be planning all the activities and spending every moment with them and be baking the bread and doing all the things. So we wanna like soothe that part of our brain and let it know like our children are gonna be okay. So like my biggest answer to that is whatever you're going to do, assume that you're going to feel guilty. and that, doesn't mean it's wrong. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. That doesn't mean you're a bad mom and know that it's a muscle, the easier, like, right. Like the more you do it, the easier it's going to get. but other than that, I would say like having an accountability partner, like someone who's going to pull you out of your house. someone that is feel safe to where you can say, are you the accountability partner? We're like each other's. I was gonna say, it's definitely equal. Yeah. Right, but yeah, just like someone who is in sync, someone who's hanging out on Marco Polo and who knows like, hey, you're drowning or who's in a similar season of life, right? I have this group of moms and it's so great. all have toddlers and babies like within a year of each other. And we have like scheduled things that we are going and it is like come hell or high water. Like we are doing this thing. I think that is really, it would be nice to be like sit here and be like, give yourself an hour every single day. And that's just like not realistic because not every day is going to work that way. Yeah. So actually I'm in, I'm pretty, passionate about self care in general. And for me years ago, I know, I knew that I needed to take some time for myself. And so I made it so simple. I always tell like, when we talk, we've talked about this on the podcast, but like simplifying what self care means to you can be a huge part of feeling like yourself. And so for me, it's a shower every morning and my cup of coffee, like it's so simple. that this like, if I have those two things every day, and even if I don't, if there's days, you know, like we're on vacation, I can't have coffee first thing in the morning, like it's fine. But like, those are just my intentional things where I'm like, those are what make me feel good. And then I can set my day right. And it's so minimal. Like we're not talking, this is not money out of pocket. It's not time away from the family. It's not, you know, it's just, yeah, something intentional. Yeah, definitely. So that's what I think sometimes just simplifying, prioritizing yourself is a big one. Yeah, little self-care. Big self-care. It is, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what does setting healthy boundaries in marriage and motherhood look like? And why do so many women struggle with this? You Again, I think we struggle with it because of how we were programmed, right? I also think there's such a big, I don't know if it's trendy or if it's cultural or what it is, but we associate like self abandonment and running yourself into the ground with love, especially, specifically as women, actually, like very specifically as women. At least that is my observation. And in So that just blurs into like, how do you hold a boundary, right? If you associate running yourself into the ground of being what you're supposed to model for your children. And in order to set a healthy boundary, you have to know what you want and what you need. And you have to know the differences between the need versus the want. And that's something that I think is severely lacking in our society. We replace our wants with our needs and or we are very needless and wantless, right? Again, because of typically the way that you're raised, it's not like blaming caregivers, right? It's just that caregiving is an impossible task and we absorb what our parents do, not what they say, not what they tell us. It's what are they modeling? And so as you're going about setting boundaries and things like that, that's honestly what I use to encourage people whenever they're trying to do that is I want you to behave and move in a way in your marriage that you would feel really proud. if your child did the same thing in their marriage. So being able to say, I need to go and spend time with my friends or I really need you to pick up groceries and start doing that thing, whatever it is, like advocating for themselves. I got a little sidetracked because I'm really passionate about needs and wants. but I love what you said about like thinking about how you want your child to perceive your relationship and everything because that's how I reflect on myself is like, I want my daughters to be seeing a healthy relationship, one with balance, when I want them to have that, when they find their own spouse or partner or whatever, when they get older, I don't want them to be seeing me doing. every single thing and being exhausted and never doing anything for myself. Like I want them to go and enjoy being with a partner and feel like they're loved and cared for and but not overwhelmed and like they can't have their own separate identity. Yeah, that's that also brings up kind of a different thing for me is like you have people who will talk to dads and be like you better watch out you know when your daughter starts dating and Jessie's answer is always well I hope to model who a good person is and so she'll find that type of person and I'm gonna worry about it. He's always been very like I don't you know like you just want that and so you just hope that that's kind of what they go for. And I always love that answer of his. Right. That's a good one. That is so precious. So you just shared a little bit about self abandonment. How does that show up for moms and what are some ways to break that cycle? gosh. For moms, it looks like being always busy. It looks like fear of outsourcing, if that is something that makes sense, right? If there is financial flexibility here. I hear this a lot from moms, especially stay-at-home moms. They don't want to bring in a house manager, even though it would make a huge difference. But being a mother is a job over here. And being a mother is not the same thing as dishes. It is not the same thing as groceries. It is not the same thing as cleaning the house. That is maintaining a home and that's very different. And a lot of times we associate the two, right, because there's expectation on the woman to do everything. And so you're abandoning really like this younger piece of you or just like a more authentic, however you want to think of it, version of you whenever you accept that this is what I have to do because fill in the blank. A lot of for a lot of moms, it also looks like loss of identity, right? They kind of get swallowed in their children and their motherhood. And I think there's certainly a season for that. think we're all in survival. least I certainly was the first six months. gosh. Yes. Like, it's just hard and they need you like in such a physical way, right? That there really is like a very natural and healthy enmeshment that happens. but when that continues and when there's no intentionality to like break out of that, is I think when that becomes very problematic. I think in a lot of ways, self abandonment is embedded in the idea of what it is to be a mother in, in say this country, like that's dramatic, but kind of, right? Because we're such an individualistic sort of, we're meant to do things on our own. and because of that, if you want a village and you want support so that you don't struggle with those things in that way, you have to pay for it. And that's expensive. And then I think you've asked like some ways to step out of it. Is that what you said? Yes. Yeah, how to break that cycle. Yeah, yeah, I think like giving yourself grace is like the biggest thing that you could do. Honestly. That's our biggest thing, I think, on this podcast. like, again, we could like run through here all the tips and the tricks and like, yeah, those are great. But if you can actually stop like beating yourself up for being in that space and accept that it's really hard and that you are like the perfect mother for your child. Like you are exactly who was meant to usher this human through this life experience. I think that's huge, right? Because it's like a return to wholeness. Mm-hmm. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I'm loving this episode already. Everyone just better love this one. we've been so excited about this. Let's see. earlier you mentioned that you and your husband have paid a lot for your marriage. So, and what would you say that looked like, like facing some mental health challenges? building your business? Obviously we know a little bit of your backstory ourselves. Building your business at the same time, having kids. Like obviously there's been tons of growth growing on personally, relationship wise, business wise, all at the same time. What's that look like? my gosh. It looks like really wild is what it looks like. It looks like. Yeah, go ahead. oh no, you're good. So I was just going to elaborate more on the question. You both navigated those struggles, obviously, and how did you do it as a couple and stay in a healthy marriage with all those changes and the growth? How'd you pull through? Yeah. Tell us. You guys are ever the other side? yeah. That's a very valid question. Like, yes and no. Yeah, yeah, yes. I mean, I think for us, so with the way that we grew up, we knew that there were things that we wanted to recycle. So we wanted to like zhuzh it up, right? We didn't necessarily want to bring in or we wanted to bring in these pieces and not those pieces. And part of our story is that we were like separated for a few months and we planned a divorce for a while. Mm. were talking about growing together or growing apart. We for sure grew apart. I got into therapy like years before Nick did. And that really drove sort of a wedge for us for a while till he joined the bandwagon and like, that's great. And I should be clean in the world for that reason. But through that, like we have and have had really prioritized having like a strong therapist. And someone to like specifically someone who's a little bit older and has a little bit more years and like wisdom, right? So, cause we didn't necessarily have any of that to consult in our day-to-day life. And so we really had sort of this voice in our ear of being able to say, Hey, have you thought about the fact that kids are going to bring X, and Z into this? And that was something we were super, super intentional about. whenever we decided we wanted to build a second marriage, we wanted it to look new and however, right. After we got back together. And so it's just been very intentional. We knew going into like different seasons because we, felt like we weren't really handed a playbook or like didn't necessarily want to follow the playbook that we were handed. And so it was kind of like, okay, I know I need to prep for kids. because we're not sure how we want to parent and like, does that look like? And like I said, like we've put thousands of dollars. We would probably have so many, we would have so many cars and like trips and all the things. If we like did not, we were doing the math one day. was real. was like, my gosh, it's not depressing. Cause like we're healthy and that's great. But I'm also like, could have so many other things. And so we've been pretty steady with that, like always having someone in our space to kind of like speak some wisdom over us and to see a few steps ahead. We also treat couples therapy like an oil change. So like as big shifts show up, just going and finding someone in a space that is neutral, but also having someone who could kind of like speak some life over us and some grounding has been a game changer. But then I think between like both of us, it's been This is a battle for me in particular, because I made a career out of it. It's like not fixing each other and like not wanting to like really allowing the person to have their experience, right? We're so big on letting like I get to mother how I want to mother and he gets to father how he wants to father as long as like child is not in danger, then let them have their experience. And also just like generally have their own journeys, our own journeys. So it's really messy and we're really big advocates of we use spaces a lot better if we pay for them. versus like the state of the union is great. And also, it doesn't hold everything. So we're pretty like fierce advocates for having some sort of like whatever that looks like, right? With someone who can speak a little bit of grounding and like love and like compassion over you and kind of keep you grounded of like You need to like chill out a little bit. Yeah. that, since you discussed how therapy was such a big part of your growth as a couple, what would you say for couples who are therapy-like adverse? Like they're just like, that's not for me. Our relationship's fine. Or maybe one is okay with like going to therapy and the other one is just straight up like no of the couple. Mm hmm. Again, I want to know why. Yeah, right. Because there's very good reasons. am like most of my clients have seen like five, six, seven therapists before they started working with me. I was very, very fortunate in my therapeutic experience. had one other person before and he was great. It just wasn't like the fit. we did like one exercise and he was like, think you're good to go. And I was like, thank you. But also I don't think so. and like the next person was like, that was very much who I needed in this season of my life. But there's a lot of really bad therapists out there and we don't like talking about that, but like they either don't have the skills or they're working out their own stuff on other people. And that creates really negative and like adverse experiences. So again, like, is that the hesitation or is there a belief that I should be able to like handle all of these things on my own? hear that from a lot of husbands, right? Like, this is our business. Yes. Yes. Like, I should be able to figure this out. We're going to be okay. Or like, that's our business. We don't need to be sharing it with other people. Or what are they going to tell me that a book couldn't tell me? I always say like, you're not actually paying for like insight. You're paying for accountability. And you're paying for someone to see what you can't see. And then if one person is open to it and the other person isn't, I would say that person should get into therapy and like, go talk about that. But also like, kind of like, ooch him in the door. It's usually what ends up happening. Um, because ultimately you can only control yourself anyway. And that leads to just huge behavioral differences that usually your partner gets really curious of like, what's going on, what is changing? Um, and like actually, and he would be okay with me sharing this because we've talked about this a million times, like our experience, right. was that my husband tried therapy, um, before we like split up and they started talking about his own like family of origin stuff. And he was like, no thank you, and he stopped going. So like for him, it just brought up things that he wasn't ready to look at yet. So there's, mean, a lot of different ways, but I always say like the best thing is like, just take care of like, and focus on yourself. Because at the end of the day, what I tell people is either like you, your partner is going to do their work with you, or you're going to end up getting divorced. Speaking to the same idea of you grow together or you grow apart. Yeah. Yeah. I love that answer. That was great. Yeah. You know, we're your cheerleaders. OK, so when a mom is struggling with resentment, burnout, or exhaustion, how can she communicate that to her partner in a way that strengthens the relationship instead of creating more tension? That kind of goes back to the mental load a little bit, Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's so cheesy, but like I statements are huge. I statements are huge. If you can pull out like a strength of your partners, I think that is really helpful. So I know that you are so good at playing with the kids and it would just mean the world to me if you could actually take over planning some activities and really managing our family calendar, right? Like kind of like bring them into it that way. That's exactly right. That is exactly right. Everyone loves those. And it's just, feels a lot better, right? Like you are literally like from a neurological level, you're literally inviting the brain into the conversation rather than like pushing it away by saying, you never do X, Y, and Z, or I always have to do X like all or nothing language is always a red flag for me. like, we need a little time out. But that, and then, and then just being sure that you know what you're asking. because saying, like you never help with anything. Like there's nothing to that. It's not specific, it's not direct. So really knowing what it is you're looking for your partner to do. And that might be go learn more about the mental load. Go do that research. don't want to like sitting and listing off the tasks, that's a part of the mental load. And it's also over-functioning in your marriage and your relationship. And so it could be, need you to go and learn. more about this topic and like do it on your own and then let's come together. And this would be so connecting for me. I would feel so seen. I would feel so valued and it would really help to strengthen our relationship. I love that. We do, we just love it all, all of the things. What is one piece of advice you'd give to a mom who feels like she had, okay, I botched that, I'm gonna restart. What's one piece of advice you'd give to a mom who feels like she and her spouse are just coexisting rather than truly connecting? passing in the night. Yeah, the first is grace, which is like such a, but usually when you're in that space, you're like beating yourself up and you're hyper fixating on your partner. And it usually comes with a list of should, should, should, should, Like I should be doing this. I should be doing that. But what if the answer was just like, should be surviving and that's exactly what we're doing. I think that that's like the first step to opening the door to some curiosity. of what could this season look like? That specific to the relationship, right? But then I would push that person to getting really curious with themselves. How can you connect with yourself? Typically, if we're disconnected in our marriage, we're disconnected within ourselves. One of my favorite activities ever is I love sending moms to the store, specifically to the toy aisle. And I make like a go to the toy aisle, not to... the dishes or the blankets or whatever. And I want you to bring a picture of you from when you were five years old. And I want you to choose a toy for her. And it's not for your toddler. It's not for your like your daughter or your son. It's just for you as a way of like really deepening that like connection to self, right? Like what does she want to do? Does she know how to play? That can be a really loving and like gentle way to start bridging some of that connection with self, which It's just much easier to connect with in marriage. Yeah, that's kind of a fun activity that you give your clients. like that. I know I was like, what would I pick? I immediately went to Legos. I don't know why in my head. do you like stem stuff? I don't know, I usually drifted when I was a kid more towards arts and reading and stuff, but as an adult now, I feel like I probably would enjoy that a lot. I also went to like puzzles or fidgety things. Like things like that or yeah. Funny, funny, funny. But I'm definitely one of those people that doesn't know how to play. Never did as a kid really. I still don't like, struggled with that during when my kids were growing up was like, yeah, I can do Legos. I can do building coloring, that kind of stuff, but I'm not getting down on the floor and playing with you. Like I just don't, that is not. It might come to you as a grandparent. My mom's so good at that. Like she plays with Logan with the Barbies and they're like falling off cliffs and stuff. they're like, this is amazing. I can't do that. Yes. Well, I mean, it also takes a different level of your brain, right? Because that's like executive functioning. That is imagination, which is so hard to access when you are in it as a mom. I love imaginative play. And then when my daughter's like, let's play tea party for the 20th time, I'm like, my gosh. Let's go walk. So this actually was a good lead into our next section, which is breaking cycles and then modeling for our kids. So in the questionnaire that we sent over to you, kind of spoke about working through your own and mother-daughter relationships. How has that shaped the way that you approach your parenting and even your marriage now? Oh my gosh, in so many ways, right? Like we inherit a template from our parents and it's not all good and it's not all bad, but it teaches us how to be in relationship. And there's context and there's nuance to all of it, right? But children don't know that. And so children see if you have a parent, and this was my experience, I had two parents in healthcare. And so they weren't physically present or emotionally present because our healthcare system is really intense to work in, right? It runs you into the ground. So the experience as a child was you're choosing work over me consistently. And so then that was something that I was starting to like replicate in adulthood, right? And within my own marriage, it was creating distance through work, through being busy. And so, and on top of that, there were lots of triggers and wounds that came into my marriage. Not so much into my relationship with my kiddos, yet, knock on wood, who knows. I had like, yeah, I know, we had like some therapy under our belt before that. you We were just talking about her daughter and my daughter and how similar they were and I'm like, well, just, here, we're your future. Yeah Yeah, yes, that is, that's a good example, right? It's like the losing, oh my gosh, the control, oh, the control of like being a toddler. Oh my gosh. But like the, if you would just listen to me and do what I say, life would be so much better. Oh my gosh. Like at our... Like literally, I swear I say it every other time I'm speaking a sentence. Just turn on your ears. Yes. I do listening ears. My dog the other day was like, they're lost and walked away. was like, you're two and a half. I'm lucky my toddlers are not quite so sassy yet, but Hayden does give me the... No, with the hand on the hip, like head waggle. Yeah it. Yeah, Naya's next level. I keep forgetting that she's like two and a half. So I'm just like, who are you? my gosh. And I think like right now she's in a stage where she practices, she like plays, she like plays work. And she's like, I'm gonna go sit down and do my work. Right. That for me was like so painful to see initially, because that was such a pain point that I inherited from my mom versus She sees me every now and then sit down with a laptop and answer a few emails or whatever. So it's not like the same experience, but the more that you do work and figure out what is a pain point, what is a trigger, what feels unfinished, which is like this idea of emotional regression. It really helps you to see your children more clearly and your spouse more clearly. It also allows you to practice like that containment that we were talking about earlier, because we project our unfinished business onto our partners. Hmm. their prime, their, their receptacle. I always say there's like six people in your bed anytime we're talking about like sex life. I don't know we can talk about that on here. But like, there's always six people in your bed. And so we got to like figure out who is actually making the decisions here, who are we actually talking to? And like, let's go ahead and like, lovingly, like, uninvite our parents from being in our marriage with us. exactly, like, it's just grown up, right? Like, we don't want that. Okay, so for moms who want to break generational patterns or self-sacrifice burnout or perfectionism, where should they start? feel like you're gonna say therapy. I know, I mean, therapy is great, right? But it's also like inaccessible sometimes and it's a beast to find the right person. 100%. It takes like literally, I think the number is like 70 % of therapeutic outcomes are solely dependent on finding a fit with a therapist. So it actually has like nothing to do with like skills or any of that. It's like, do you get along with this person? Because hopefully you're getting a corrective experience, right? with whatever you experienced as a child, we can experience something different with a therapist. but so I think therapy is great if you have means, if you have time, if you have all of that, but if not, honestly, I think learning more about emotional regression is huge because that's kind of the gift behind triggers. and the whole idea is that a younger version of yourself is like, is speaking up and is saying like, this still hurts. Um, this doesn't feel like it's been tended to and it's showing up in this marriage or with this relationship with my kids, cause it feels safe enough to come out. So if you can learn how to like go in and do some work with that version of yourself and just on like that part of your history, it's a game changer. think that is one of like the biggest gifts. Um, there's an excellent book called growing yourself back up by John Lee. Um, it's got a picture of a little kid and a big old tux on it. Phenomenal book. I don't agree with everything, I should say. But like most of it is fantastic. And it's really, it's just learning about this idea of emotional regression. I actually have never heard the term emotional regression before. Have you? Isn't that what we just learned about at the parenting empower hour? else, but it was like behavioral regression. I feel like I don't think she said it was emotional. Maybe. Yeah. I've learned two new terms. It's like the same idea, right? Like behavioral regression is usually like with kiddos. Emotional regression is when you start to feel younger. So if you ever feel yourself and you're in an argument and you feel like you don't have a choice, but like you have to keep saying something or you find yourself saying, you always do this. You never listen to me. Usually you're a teenager. Or if you ever get into a space of feeling... really like on a boundary, they're very worthless, stuck in a shame spiral, you're usually feeling very young, like you're five years old. So it's all like very developmental, but it's sort of just the experience of emotionally being pulled back into a younger state of self. And yeah, once you learn it, it's really cool. Yeah, it sounds really interesting. I'm going to like tonight be at 3 a.m. Googling emotional regression. Going to go learn about it. Yeah, I feel like, Brittany, I know you're awake. Yeah, well, same here. We have sleeper crushes over here right now. yeah, I think we just left ours because the girls have been sleeping again finally. Thank goodness. But, but Georgia's got like, she's itching. So she's been up last night a lot. She's got like a rash. So fun stuff always. What? Of of course. We are getting towards the end of our questions. But how does a mom prioritize herself? Oops, sorry. prioritizing. I've got it. How does a mom prioritizing herself benefit her children and family in ways she might not even realize? So how do us moms putting ourselves first in some way help our family in the long run? my gosh, you're bringing like your whole self to the table. I would love to say like it's modeling for your children and that's definitely true. But I think like my big sort of like paradigm shift that I want to invite moms into is like, what if it wasn't for the kids? What if it wasn't for someone else? What if it was literally just for you? And inviting moms to stand next to a version of themselves, that five-year-old version of you, right? Really kind of bringing them into like your psyche and picturing you mothering. that version of you and what if it was just for her? What if you were showing up in your wholeness and also allowing her to get a different experience just for her? And then by nature, a tremendous gift because you're setting your kids free, right? Truly, you are allowing them to experience all of themselves without the guilt. We have to like work through that, but you would be handing an experience to them that says you get to put yourself first. You get to be curious, you get to explore, you get to be messy and loud. You get to be quiet if you want to be, and there's nothing wrong with that. So you're not passing on carried guilt with that. So, I mean, that is huge, but what if it was also just, just for you? And that's like the number one thing for a healthy marriage, right? Is, is showing up as like all of yourself and being messy. Cause if you have to fix yourself to be in a marriage, it's not really a marriage worth being in. It's my perspective, I guess I should say. Yeah, I like that. What's one mind shift or piece of advice you wish every mom knew about relationships, marriage, or motherhood? Yeah. to thinker. I know, should have looked at this one ahead of time. Probably like self-sacrifice is not love. Mm. And then that goes for like relationship of kids that like sacrifice is a part of love. It is a part of the experience of motherhood. It is a part of the experience of marriage, but it is not love in and of itself. And my gosh, yeah, yeah. The expectation, like it's not a price you have to pay to experience love and to experience a healthy relationship and that you're allowed to be messy and show up and. The expectation should be that you receive grace from yourself and from other people. And it doesn't condone like bad behavior, but like it is that you're allowed to be messy. And that's like the truest form of like love, right. And those relationships. Someone loving all your sides. Yeah. definitely. Well, this has been such a great episode. We're so thankful for you coming on. Yeah. Brandy, where can our listeners connect with you or learn more about your work? so online, my website is Brittany McGee and PhD.com. I hang out a lot on Instagram. I'm trying to get more on LinkedIn. but Brittany and PhD is like on Instagram. That's very much currently my playground. and then. in your stories. Yeah, you're always posting really cute clips of the kids and things, you you guys out and about the parks and taking strolls on the neighborhood and it's, I love it. yeah, yes, I would say that's probably like the best part, right? Like I, the best way to get ahold of me right now is I love a good DM I'll send I'm like a podcaster like in the voice notes sending like 10 minutes. But yeah. That is so cool. Well, thank you again for coming and we will maybe have another episode at some point with you. A follow-up? I think that that would be really fun. We'll find another topic. I mean, I would love that. This is so much fun. Thank you for having me. absolutely.