Navigating the Challenges of Motherhood and Friendship

In this episode, Leesha and Alexandria discuss the complexities of making and maintaining friendships as mothers. They explore the emotional challenges of motherhood, the importance of community, and practical strategies for finding and nurturing friendships. The conversation highlights the significance of self-care, setting boundaries, and the role of children in forming connections. They also touch on the impact of social media and the importance of being brave in seeking out friendships

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome back everybody. Today it is just Alex and I. Last episode might have been Alex and I also actually. I lose track of what's being recorded and what's being aired. Today we are actually going to talk about an episode that we literally have had on our list for literally since we started. It was one of the original episodes that we were supposed to do. What, a year ago? Over a year ago? Yeah, I think we've been podcasting for about a year now. So today we are gonna talk about why making mom friends is so hard. But why we, why it's so important. ah I actually, this is not an area in life that I have struggled. So we have two different sides of the spectrum here today. I don't struggle with, I don't think I struggle really with making friends. used to, but we can talk about that. And then Alex is kind of our more anti-social person who does struggle with making friends and has had some revelations lately about making new friends. Yeah, I think some of that for me though is like if I have at least one person then I'm like, I mean I'm good, whatever. So like I have you, you know, and then when my mom visits I have my mom, because yes I consider my mom my best friend. yeah, so I'm like, so I mean as long as I have you guys, I mean I'm okay, right? So, but I do think that sometimes you need your bucket filled in other ways. So we're gonna get into that. Yeah, um yeah, long time coming, but here we are with this episode. So if you struggle with finding mom friends, how to maintain friendships, how to, where to go to get or find these people, um keep listening. We're gonna dive into all that. about it in some low impact ways for a socially anxious person to maybe reach out. Yeah, definitely. So let's go ahead and talk about kind of our journey into finding friends. I will say here in Texas is probably the place where I've had the least amount of outside the family friends that I have had since becoming a mom. Yeah, you've always had like a larger network of friends back home. So, yeah. So I don't know if I'm gonna be get through this episode without crying. have a feeling there's gonna be some tears like 100 % I was anticipating it. do I love community and I love friends and I I love having all different people She actually just became community manager. In fact, even for her neighborhood, like that's how important community is for Alicia. And you know, it was a big driving factor behind our podcast, our Instagram, like why we started doing all of this. It was a big driving factor, not just for Alicia, but for me too. And so I think that this is kind of like a really important and cool episode for us to do that we've just been putting off because we didn't feel like we were gonna do it justice, but now we're just like, we just need to do it. we just have to put it out there. um We should have a little countdown of how many episodes we should get through without crying because... The marker probably at most is... Yeah. whoever guesses the right amount Let me give you a hint anything where she talks about her personal life or her kids she 100 % cries at least once Mothering is like motherhood is hard. I'm sure people can definitely relate to that, but it's all just like so personal and so hard. I also think that once you have kids, you just have this emotional shift and you just are like, things are so much more right at the surface almost for you. Because I would never call myself a super feeler. I'm not, I wanna say I'm not emotional. I just don't show them as much, I guess. And so, motherhood, I'm like, Cody's always like, you didn't even cry at our wedding. I was like, I wasn't a mom yet. You didn't have the mom shift. Okay, so as always, I tear up a little bit and then I should be good to go. So we at least talked through that part of it. back when um Delilah was born, 12, she just, well, she didn't just turn 12. Actually, she turned 12 in July. um It was in like, she just turned 12, but it's been so many months, time flies. um So I started out after I had Delilah as working. I was a pediatric dental assistant. And I only made it like three months until I was like, this isn't getting easier. I don't want to work anymore. um Right. Working as only working part time, but still. Right. And as yeah, the whole thing's hard. As you probably know, we, uh, Jesse and I lived about two hours, give or take some away from everybody else. So it was just me up there while he worked and he worked long hours and worked. um odd shifts as both Cody and him have where they work over the years and So I knew like I think a couple weeks into staying home and Delilah was so little I think it took me about actually not a couple days. It was several months until she was about one so By the time I had been done with dental assisting it probably was six months later I kind of was like this can't be everything like sitting at home with this baby by myself, this can't be it. And I was a baby wearing mom. I had all the wraps, all the carriers, all the everything. And so I found a local baby wearing group. Nope. This is comical anymore. Alicia's a big proponent for Facebook groups or finding a group on some kind of way. Because even if it's an online friend, it can make a big difference for you. But she did find a local one. I'm just picking up for her, you guys. She did find a local one to her area. And it was really cool, honestly, though, when she told me about this. I was like, this is such a cool idea. And I don't know if we have any of these in San Antonio. I, baby wearing groups specifically, if that's like your thing, but finding a topic that you all have in common was, made it really easy. So they would plan like monthly meetups at either parks, if it was nice out, or usually a coffee shop. And we would go. Yeah. I mean, it's always been a thing of mine. I always, we would go to all the different coffee shops that had like a good area. And the coffee shops in Washington are different and they were bigger and they would have spaces to kind of, you know, gather. and have more than just a sit down and do work or coffee. Here is kind of harder, but not comparing, but it was just different. And it was before COVID and a lot of things changed after COVID anyways. Obviously being so many years back, but that was like the game. That's where I met all my friends. This episode is going to be a hard one. I met some of my really good friends starting out there. I'm not as close with them now. I actually don't talk to either one of them. that's one thing we're going to talk about today is, um yeah, like friendship breakups are just kind of like petering out or things just change as life goes on. um You move, know, moves, divorces, family split ups, things like that all kind of take uh a role in there. So that's kind where my journey started. And from there, I just... was meeting friends left and right. just never really was. Okay, I feel like Leisha never thinks of herself as a social, even now I don't feel like you identify as a social butterfly and her brother Cody feels the same way about himself. And I feel like first off, Cody is an extremely social person. He would never say so. He's borderline golden retriever. uh And Leisha, I feel like you are a pretty social person too. You get in a room and you're like, yeah, I'm comfortable, I'm good. And so I think that like, us both doing this episode is really gonna do it justice because we had such two different things. And I think part of why like you and Cody, you can walk into a room and you're just so like, yeah, I'm gonna get along with these people, gonna be great. It's like you go in with confidence basically. so funny because I never feel that way. So this is always something to think about too, is like you're gonna have nerves and feel anxious when you go anywhere. My anxiety used to be a lot worse and I used to have a really hard time going to different things that I didn't know who was there, who I was gonna meet, but I've gotten a lot better about it now. But I always am like nervous or like, how do I meet these people? What do I say? But sometimes it's, it's funny. You walk in and you're like, yeah, either we're going to get along or not, and it's cool. Which totally aligns with your personality too. And Cody's. So sometimes I am like, you guys are the same mini-cram. em But yeah, so that's kind where it started for me. From there, we met a couple of friends, had uh play dates at parks outside of the Baby Rain group. um And then, like I said, it kind of just grew from there. Once you start getting into different seasons of parenthood, um preschool or outside activities or whatever, you just kind of start meeting people. But we're going to talk more about that. But Alex, why don't you, more recently, you kind of came into maybe I do need friends and I just think that the last few weeks of your friendship stories have been literally cracking me up, but... Okay, so as you guys all know, my oldest is in her second year of grade school. So she's a first grader. ah Before that, you before she was in grade school, I homeschooled her for preschool, which we all say we homeschooled them, but I just didn't send her to preschool basically, but she did learn. Yeah. And last year, She had a lot of friends that she wanted to hang out with and stuff like that. And I just didn't really put in the effort because I was like, we're not staying at the school. Like I knew that pretty early on, I feel like in that first school year for her. So was like, I really don't want her to get a deep relationship, you know? It wasn't easy. Right, it wasn't easy. And they had way less like class. uh birthday party invites and stuff like this school year she's already been invited to like seven eight birthdays I swear and I'm like my gosh I cannot keep up with this and we have been like oh six seven yeah everybody listening is probably like no yeah sorry brained in my brain from Delilah. Can't let anything go by if... Yeah. Okay, sorry. All right, sorry, story. Anyways, so this year Logan's going to school and we know she's going to be staying at the school. We love the school. We love the teachers. We love how organized it is. It's also like right next to my neighborhood. Yeah, we can walk to it. So I'm super happy. We like it, obviously. But anyways, she has become a social butterfly this year, something she struggled a bit with last year. And I'm like, he did not get that from me. I mean, I made a lot of friends in grade school as well, I guess, but I feel like I wasn't necessarily, I got adopted, know, like an introvert getting adopted by an extrovert. That's how I made friends in grade school and on. They're just like, oh, you seem cool, you know? And then once I get comfortable with someone, I'm really like, yeah, I can be a little much sometimes, honestly, so. you definitely open up and talk and you wouldn't even think you had any issues ever so you know I'm getting more comfortable with you the more I'm just like uh Anyway, so she got all these birthday invites and we just have been so busy that Sometimes these days that we get the birthday and we don't have anything going on But it's like our one day of nothing going on like we're not I can't and it wasn't that she was necessarily friends with these specific kids anyways um So then she got starting to get a little upset with me, honestly. And I was like, I feel so bad. And so then I was like, you know what? I have a great idea. This is, you should be, I was like, this is really out of my comfort zone. So we're going to see what happens. I was like, why don't I give you like, I say with quotation marks, a business card with your mom's, yeah, a mom card. I'm going to like have these professionally made because she already is asking me for like two more. and it will be like, hey, let's set up a play date or a park date. I think I said park date specifically, because I wanted a low, I didn't want to commit to going to people's houses. I didn't want to commit to anything more than a park date, yeah, which can be anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours, depending on how it's going. So I was like, let's. Plan a park date. I'm Logan's mom and here's my phone number. Text me. I very clearly said text me. I do not want to call. There's boundaries with these cards on the back. text me. So I think I redrafted this card like three times, because I was like, I need it to be very clear, I my handwriting to be very legible. I was like, I'm not going to disappoint Logan. Anyway, so I sent Logan to school with these, and she told me, I was like, pick your top three friends, here's the cards, give it to them, or your top three friends you want to have a play date with the soonest, I guess. Two of the three ended up texting me. One of them, I think she's kind of bummed, didn't text her because she really likes the girl, but I mean, I don't even know if the card made it to the mom, you know. It's out of your hands. Yeah, so anyways, two of the moms texted me and I've had a play date with one of them and we actually hit it off really well, I feel like. She's super nice. Her daughter and Logan get along really well. They played really well. We actually stayed at the park for... Like almost two hours, I think. So it was a good play date. um And so that was kind of fun. And for Logan too, we were supposed to have another play date, but they ended up getting sick because it's 60 years soon. And so we were supposed to meet up at the zoo, but we got a plan. I actually got a taxter. November's slacker, but this month is honestly insane. Like November is insane. I'm not even sure that's going to happen. So anyways. That worked really well for me as like a low impact style, like let me get reach out. And it helps for me to have a driving factor of like, this is for Logan. So even if I don't hit it off with this parent or like this parent and I don't like each other, like it's still not about us. It's about her and the other kid could be boy, could be girl. um And so I think that helped me get into that mindset because same with like working, you know, I feel like some people can make friends easier in a work situation. I'm one of those people, by the way. because my brain is in a different mode. It's not like I'm there to socialize, I'm there to work. So if we get along, I love it. I've actually made some friends that I'm still friends with even now and they live in Washington from work, but it didn't matter. it was different for me. And then funny enough, we had shortly after this, a parent-to-parent conference. So yeah. My, we had parent teacher conferences and just a little backstory, we also had like meet the teacher right before school started and my husband was like, I love her teacher, you guys should be friends. And I'm like, okay, like I doubt I'm gonna see the teacher. Right, I was like, weird. Like, no, okay, I mean, maybe if we like ran into each other that could happen, you know, but she's, I don't know. So anyways, we have our teacher conferences and luckily we were the only appointment, I hope. mean, and my husband and I are going and Logan's doing great, know, and then we're like gonna wrap it up. And then my husband goes, you know, I really think you guys seem like you get along really well. And then yeah. Three hours later and I felt so bad for one because I was like we kept her at the school She's worked all day and then we kept her at the school until like I think was like almost six at that point And I'm like we really should let her go. I love talking to her. She's super nice super great honestly, you really could can and Will probably be friends in real life outside of school So we ended up exchanging numbers or really I told her to get my number from m from Skyward or whatever. Because I was like, that way it was like she didn't feel pressured that like Cody pressured her into a corner. Like, oh yeah, let's talk, you know? I was like, oh, if you want to text me, can, you have my number. You know, get it from the school records. So she did. She ended up texting me. So I was like, oh good. We didn't like make her uncomfortable. Yeah. Cause that's always goes through my head. Am I making this person uncomfortable? Like, do they actually want to talk? You know? And Cody's just like, he doesn't care. Yeah. Anyways, we ended up talking. She was supposed to come to Leisha's girls night, but ended up having some other stuff come up, but I do need to text her probably. I have to text everybody. I think that's one of the overwhelming parts for me is like the logistics, the keeping up on it, because I don't want to be one of those ghost friends, but I also don't want to be like that friend that's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, know, like all the time or being like, why, let's get together all the time kind of thing, you know? Yeah, it's in here guys. oh my recent report. friendships. It definitely makes it easier when the kids have different activities, you can kind of rely on that outlet. But overall, why it's so hard to make friends after you have kids. A lot of times you have friends that are there from before motherhood, but once you have kids, things change. You're tired, you're busy. You don't even know what you're busy with, but you're busy. And you just don't feel like you have the energy to put towards one other being besides your immediate family or work. Yeah, I've heard so many people that have friends that don't have kids that the though, know, when you have kids, you really find out who your friends are like long time. And over the years, I've kind of learned to be like, you know, some friends are there for a long time and some are there for just short time, know, whatever that there's a saying for that, but I don't know what it is off the top of my head. But I've kind of always embraced that and just enjoyed the time that I had with those people. And that's definitely one of those things I think people run into a lot is once you're a mom, you lose some friendships because your lives are so different. So just being aware of that, I think is why the things, what things make making friends so hard. Motherhood is definitely way up there. um Yeah, I mean, because it's a whole other relationship to maintain outside of your marriage and your children and then your other family obligations, you know. so easy to be a homebody. I fall into that hard. Yeah, I don't homebody. I just am so busy with my kids, know, like activities, going to parks, planning, like, you know, I get my kids out a lot because honestly they're feral if I don't. So, but your kids are a little older, so they're probably, I mean, Jamison's a little feral too, so. definitely sometimes. Sometimes it's also hard to find friends if you live a certain lifestyle or have different morals, um parenting styles, how you do life in general, how you discipline. And so we're gonna kind of walk through and talk about more of all that and kind of how to combat it. And another thing I definitely wanna highlight is when you have a friend that's there for just a season. and then having a friendship break up. I have been kind of lucky over the last several years is my husband has made really good friends through work. And that kind of makes a built in friends for me in that season of our life. But those friendships have often not, you know, went through and you know, their family has kids and we got our families together. And then it's like, well now, you know, our families are no longer. Friends necessarily and then kids, you know, then you got the kids involved and they want to see the in parent, know the other kids and That's hard to that is that is all hard too. And so I just want you guys to know if you have had Family friends that are no longer friends and the kids were involved. It's hard. It's hard And I've always kind of just told my kids that like oh, yeah, we can't you know We're not gonna see those people anymore. They were you know, we just enjoyed our time with them, you know, like that we had because sometimes those morals don't align and it comes due ahead and it enough's enough kind of situations. We've had a few of those over the last few years. Jamison still asks to see some of the friends that we had made when we first moved here that were just no longer necessarily friends with those people anymore. So that is definitely another thing to consider when you're making friends. um Sometimes those things don't even come out until you've been friends with them for... over years and just kind of knowing when enough is enough or how much can you, how important that is. Exactly. That is exactly kind of some of the situations that we had encountered and we had decided that we could no longer put ourselves in the situations. So, you know, not every friendship lasts forever and that's for kids too. And I think it's really healthy for your kids to see that though because My kids take friendships very seriously and it's like if someone is upset with them or they're not getting along with someone or they were mean or even if they're mean to someone else and they don't like it they will make comments and talk about it. So. finding Logan is feeling the same way too. And so we've had a lot of conversations about like, you know, you don't have to be friends with everyone. Some of that verbiage for around school stuff. And then also like, you know, sometimes you can be friends with somebody and you don't like certain things they do or say, and you have to decide like, do I still like the person or do I just not like these certain one-off things that aren't like as important kind of thing? And maybe even, you know, if you're not getting along with someone that you came across through kids stuff, obviously as moms, you kind of have to take parents, other parents into consideration if they're a friend or not, but putting them in different containers. Like if you can tolerate them for birthday parties or whatnot, like that's fine. You don't have to invite them over for dinner, know, kind of things. But yeah, just kind of knowing that going forward, I mean, do you necessarily have to know exactly what you're looking for in a friend? No, you can be open. You can love somebody. for who they are, even if they're so different than you. If those parenting styles are different, discipline styles, just regular lifestyles are different. Yeah. mean, we parent different. I mean, we have some different viewpoints as well, but in the end, like I really enjoy Leisha's company and I hope you enjoy mine. em So obviously as we've like built stuff together, even where we have to spend more time together and we like to get the kids together. And I think that we, in the end, our goals are the same. even if we approach it differently and that's what's important to me. And you know, obviously respecting each other's differences as well. Great. things that come up and it was like, well, that's not my natural instinct to discipline my kids. Because you definitely lean more like nurturing and not as, I don't even know what I would call my parenting style, but pretty strict. with my dad the other day about, was like, I don't know if I would consider myself a gentle parent by today's standards. And I wouldn't even consider my mom necessarily a gentle parent by today's standards back then she was. um But I, cause I do discipline my kids in like, you know, they do get time out, they whatever. But ultimately there are definitely things to be learned from having friendships outside of your personal. like how you would do things, you know? Like I think that I get a lot of insights on things from Leisha and I think sometimes I give her some insights on things as well too, especially because you have some more emotionally, yeah. And especially when things aren't working and you're like, I specifically, I'll be like, Alex, I'm pulling my hair out. What do you got for me? Because I don't know what to do with this child. Yeah, and sometimes just flipping it and doing something completely unexpected for them is what won't work. Yeah, absolutely. So just keeping all those things in mind when you're going to look for friends and as we go through the rest of these topics is place them in a container that fits. You don't have to have 10 best friends. You can have one. You can have some friends. But these it is just really important to have friends for that social aspect. And and humans in general are very social beings. And so it uh it is really important to fill your cup in that way. um You may not know or think that you need that, but once you have that and you're on the other side of it, it does end up feeling really good. I didn't have Leisha I'd be like, what the frick? I feel like it would be harder, you know? I would be more lonely. mean, I would not have, I would just have my husband basically and then my mom when she visits. And that would be really lonely. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it would be I can't even imagine I mean going back Yeah going when you have young kids at home all day going back to When Delilah was born I was part of a mom's group for that month of That year that the kids were gonna be born so in pregnancy all the way and we the group still together There's 70 women in it all over the world um And those were like people would joke And they make fun of me a lot. Be like, those are your internet friends. They're not real friends. And I'm just like, no. But we literally have traveled and gone places, destinations, cruises, met up. We know these people. And so it's just that piece of not feeling alone when you're sitting at home, the screaming, crying baby. Or you don't know what to do. Or you don't know what activity to do today. Or you don't know what food to feed them. a group that I joined when I was pregnant with both my pregnancies. I joined it with Logan. honestly, I swear it saved my life because it was specifically for an illness I had while being pregnant. And it was like, I'm not insane. And I didn't necessarily interact a ton on it, but it was just so good to see people going through the same stuff. So even if you're going to join. it can still feel less lonely just seeing somebody else. ah join something virtually then it's it's it's not quite the same as in person But it is I think almost just as good. They're different, but just having swear it saved my life because I was so sick and I was so like, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. And I, I, it really helped. Definitely having a community around you, people are going through similar things, no matter what season it is, is really helpful. um So, like I said, we're gonna continue on talking about all these things. So, to find mom friends and how to actually meet them. So, yeah, I know Alex is gonna like hot seat me now. ah So, literally. When I found friends after the baby wearing group, a lot of it in Washington, preschool looked a little bit different than it does here in Texas. So maybe if you're listening from out of state, you're maybe a preschool co-op and that's what Delilah was in. And so it was a lot of parent involvement. I met a lot of friends there and got involved. I just stepped up and got involved and was part of things and that made it easy, right? or story times or music classes or just going to the park. Alex is always funny because we'll go to the park. There's one recent sticks in my head. We went to the cash roll park that we always do and there was a mom there with her two boys and I was like looking at her, her shirt was really cute. And I was just like walked up to her and I was like, hey, your shirt's really cute. We're like, that's literally how I meet people. And we sat down at the same table as her and talked with her for like 30 minutes. And we learned all these things about the area. We learned about swim class that this lady has that does the ISR swim. We learned about school. She was a teacher, a local teacher somewhere. So we were talking about schools, you know, parenting stuff there. is the part that I and a lot of people share with though, is just being like confident enough to walk up and be like, hey. uh and sometimes even the stores like I'll it's usually around the kids I Know but yeah, it's just like we'll be somewhere anywhere and I'll just find hey How was your kid or whatever or the twins get a lot of attention so that one for you is an easy But you never want to talk to anyone Honestly, it makes me so uncomfortable though because I'll be like, I'm just trying to do my grocery shopping. Stop talking to me. But for me, that's just kind of how it is. I kind of using the kids as your bridge in uh or a shirt, you know, or an outfit or whatever, and just kind of being like, hey, like, where'd you get the shirt or like the shirt? Complimenting is a good one. But. That's cute. uh But yeah, so so let's kind of list off some places that are good to. find moms in general. And then we can go back and talk about hooks. How do you hook them? And then I have a follow-up question of like how do you get it further than that one interaction and like then after that how do you get it to where like it's more Friendship like, know, like a genuine friendship. I think you're gonna have more to say on that. So yeah So here's my list of suggestions that I came up with this morning so if you are in a stage of like baby or toddler obviously those em Outside the home activities or local Yeah, play dates music classes story times free guys. You you gotta go go to story time if you are able even. A lot of the libraries now do all these STEM crafts or like uh sensory things, know, insane amounts of activities at the libraries anymore. when we were in Washington with Jameson, Delilah was in kindergarten, so it me and Jameson at three years old. We would do story time. We would do science lab at our library. And then he did ninja class at the Taekwondo place. So. of I'm gonna blame COVID but I feel like I got a little stunted in that area like that time period. Right and we moved and like yeah. uh So those are those are some really good options for baby, you know littles um another Really good one for if your kids are I'm trying to categorize these in age kid ages because and I probably have some repeats Kind of so if your kids are pre school aged um Facebook groups for your area and be like hey, I need out of the house today. Do you want to meet me at a coffee shop? my gosh, so you know how in like mom groups people will do like the friendship resume thing? People have been doing that for their kids too, I've noticed. I've been seeing tons of those for mom friend ones. mean, they range anywhere from let's meet at the coffee shop to go getting ice cream treat with the kids or donuts or who wants to go out dancing? I want to go out dancing. Let's go out dancing. I've seen those. um have another good one and you can do this preschool or school age. A lot of schools have their like parent pages basically. I'm in one for Logan's school and I joined before she went to that school and a lot of people were like, hey, my kid's gonna be going to school soon. This is the grade they're gonna go in. Are any other parents here like, let's meet up, let's link up our kids so they have somebody that they know, you know? That was one thing I told you. I was like, you should really reach out on the page and see if you can get Logan a play date between. I've always been huge on that. If you're going to a new school, if you're a new anything, just be like, reach out in your area and get them a familiar face before they have to go into the bigger away from you. But then they'll see a friendly face there. So that's a good way to reach out in your community also. So obviously, parks are playgrounds when they get a little bit know, toddling around or whatnot. But if they're seeming to kind of get along with the other kids, just the parents hovering, you know they are, unless you're like me and you're sitting on the bench telling your kids to go play. But if, you know, if they're seeming to get along, just like ask the other parent, like I said, how old's your kid, you know, and kind of go from there. And we'll talk about how to get from that point on. um Facebook groups, we've mentioned that enough, but a lot of people here also have a lot of church groups, MOPs groups, community groups, for anything that you do that's outside the home at yourself. um And then for me here in Texas, mostly where my friends have come from is business and work connections that have kind of morphed into more of a stronger friendship. And most of all, I would just say to be consistent. Like if you're gonna go to story time, commit to it. Just go to Storytime weekly or monthly or whatever it is. Show up. You'll see the same parents there. You'll get more comfortable with seeing them and having some small talk. like, this person's been here like three times now. I should say hi. Right. Kids seem to get along. So um those are kind of my things off the top of my head. I know that there's tons of apps now that you can get into. em peanut app I think is one where you like syncs you up. And then there was another one though that just I came across. Somebody local shared it though. It was. A lot of them are based on your location too and you can join. this one is like it's nationwide, but then they create communities within certain cities, you know, and like you can create your own and I cannot remember for the life of me what it's called. If I remember guys, I'll share. a lot of them. But just looking out for opportunities em like that. um So let's talk about how to start a mom group or build your own community. If you're feeling isolated at home and maybe you want a low-lift thing, how do I actually apply talking to these people and moving it from, hey, your shirt's nice? Or our kids are getting along, how old are they? Further than that, so usually, I mean for us it's a little bit unique because we've met some people at the park and I'll be like, yeah, well we run a page, where's your favorite park besides this one? We run a page on Instagram for families and then I kind of get them pitched and move over at least to there. But I see no problem with transferring phone numbers. If you're in person, it's not like you're, I don't know, you did that with Logan, you just send the paper in here. Here's my number. I've done that with Jameson. So you can go from there. And then I think the way that you did it was perfect to be in like, if you can exchange phone numbers and at least get that far, and then just like, hey, we're going to be at the park this Friday. I've sent like school. I'm trying to relate real life experience ones with me. So last year we made some friends. and I got connections with the moms. And so then I would be like, hey, we're going to go to the zoo on Friday. Do you guys want to meet us there? And kind of go over there. And it might take a few times, especially like, You know, everybody has different schedules and... too. So like the zoo, we have memberships and we jumped on a deal that was cheap for us, but some people don't. a zoo trip's gonna be. uh Logan's friends text mom, parents text me, I was like, okay, I did a park because it's free, you know? And then I was like, because I wanna be mindful of being available to people. And then also being like, but then like after like our one play date, after talking a lot, I was like, do you guys have like memberships to anywhere? Like what's your favorite spot here? Cause they've lived in San Antonio way longer than me. um And they ended up bringing up that they had a zoo membership and asked if we liked the zoo. I was like, we have a zoo membership too. And I was like, it's the only way to do it. And they're like, yeah. So we were, that's why we planned to meet up at the zoo. Cause we found out we both had memberships and it was going to be low cost, you know, for us. Yeah. And so that makes it really easy as like, hey, we're gonna be at the park, do you wanna meet us there? That's gotta be the easiest way to do it. where we live though, there actually is not that much park. You have to go in more. like for my neighborhood happens to have two and it's going to have a third one here soon, parks. um And so because our school's so close, most of them live fairly close-ish. um So I was able to be like, well, if you don't want to go out farther, then we can meet up at my playground if you're okay with that. I mean, it works well for me because I'm super comfortable on their playground. But yeah, definitely an idea too is that there are so many parks. Just find one that's like middle between you and whoever else. or even just saying, mean, like, because I've done this, we've gone out to some of our favorite parks on the North Side and I've texted them and like, hey, we're doing an outing today and we're going to drive out to so and so park. Do you want to us there? It's like not even I mean, it could just be not even convenient, really. But like this is where we're to be. They're available or they're not. And then I mean, you could get a no, but just keep trying. um the being consistent part is like just keep trying within reason. Obviously you don't want to be pushy or annoying or anything, but I. that's why this note one worked well for me because I left it in their ballpark. You know what I mean? They had the ball, and I did my part. And then if they were interested, they would reach out to me. So I didn't have to be chasing down, hey, can I get so-and-so's number? Or hey. So I felt like that was a good way to approach that as well for both parties, honestly. Yeah. So some ways that I've seen people kind of come together, look for mom friends, like I said, the Facebook groups right now in today's kind of standard is probably the most popular one, is just finding a neighborhood, an area, named group. Alex and I actually started one for our area, and it had grown pretty good for what it is, uh just based off the name of our area. And so. There's also some people on Instagram locally for San Antonio who do do like events too for moms, like whether it's with kids or toddlers or just moms and hike hiking trips and stuff. There are a few creators that do that too. And so that's worth looking into on Instagram as well. If you're like, I don't do Facebook. Yeah, yeah. So some things, did you have any more questions for that follow up? Did I answer your question? Like how to get from, hey your shirt's nice. Hmm. now we can, I that would have to be the way. Or you can find my Facebook or Instagram if you don't want to do phone number. the park. Yeah. Well, we do do like, hey, we have an Instagram page with some people that we meet, particularly Alicia does this. ah I'm more hush hush about it. Alicia's like, look at all this cool stuff we do. That's actually was Cody's icebreaker with Logan's teacher, too. You should really listen to her podcast. I Like turned so red I swear I was sweating um But yeah, I think that exchanging like Instagram because you can DM that's a little bit lower impact Or like you're following each other. Because I've done that too, actually, now that I think about it. I've had friends I've found through like the school groups and just been like, they'll friend request me usually, because I kind of keep my personal pages on lockdown. getting to know them there and being able to kind of connect through posts or whatnot. But yeah, just being brave. Being brave, being consistent. hey, I'm gonna be at this park, hey, do you wanna meet up at this park? Or we're gonna ride bikes outside today, do you wanna come over here? Or whatever, a picnic. I mean, it literally can just be anything small. it gets, or at least it should, I can't say for sure for sure, but it gets easier the more you practice it. You know what I mean? Like the more you practice something, the easier it gets to do, basically. Like same with work, same with motherhood, same with life, like same with friendships. The more you practice and put yourself out there and be a little brave, the easier it will get for you. And it might not work out the first few times, know, but. Ultimately, you are gonna find a person that's like, like you, let's hang out. Yeah, so we actually got off track a little bit with this because my it's so easy to put your kids as the reason why you're trying to find friends because you're trying to find friends for them outside of your typical family cousins or whatever and meet up with school people but kind of back to the basics is like us moms and people in general are so social and you also need to fill your own cup and that sometimes means being away from your kids. So having just mom dates, just friendship dates, hikes, book clubs, things like that. All of the same things we just listed, you can still apply to not involving the kids. there are several local San Antonio book clubs too, where it's literally all moms um that meet up after hours for most moms when their kids are going to bed, or I think there's some that meet up during the school days for older kids and stuff. So I do think that if you're into reading, that's a good one. And they're easy to find too. so definitely I just I wanted to kind of hit back to that is like this episode We really wanted to be more so about taking care of yourself as mom and filling your cup with those um Social relationships that don't involve the kids because you really have to take care of yourself And you need to be more than just mom or just wife I do think at like like my kids ages it's easier to find a friend if your kids get along Right, like if I have like making friends with older like parents that have older kids, you know It's a little harder because I'm like, no, I'm like I have my kids all day, you know two of them at least so it takes a little bit more planning, but it's impossible by any means. at least finding a friend that is like, love your kids, or like, yeah, bring them, you know what I mean? um That's, at my age groups, that's what I'm looking for, is a friend that's either like, yeah, I'm gonna have my toddler too, or yeah, I love your kids, let's bring them, you know, it's kid friendly. Right. But also taking time, because you will set aside time to go for mom's night. I do sometimes, obviously I have to work a little harder for that. Well, yeah, because it involves more people having to watch the kids and stuff. But was it worth it? We laughed all along. was such a fun night. That's another thing. Like a good way to get a lot of people together or like introduce a new friend because that's how I was going to like have my first hang with Logan's teacher. Without the kids and where it's not necessarily one on one because I feel like I can get awkward sometimes if you're new, especially is just be like, hey, I'm having like a little low-key girls night or like, hey, let's meet up with here and have some friends and like they could bring a friend or whatever. And it takes the pressure off a little. yeah, definitely. So if you wanted to reach out to people and kind of start something that was outside of motherhood but for yourself, same things apply. Posting on a local group, looking for someone who wants to start. Trivia night? yeah. There's a lot of fun trivia nights around here. Yeah. have one like really close to us, like right outside your neighborhood. I'm those Tuesdays or something. But my parents, like they're avid trivia nighters at, and like, cause they have this pizza place like really close to their house and they do trivia nights there. um And so like they have like, that's how they meet up with their friends now. So they're like, Hey, it's Thursday night trivia night and they all meet up and they, sometimes they win. Sometimes they really suck, but like they have so much fun doing it. Sometimes I'm just like, parents are goals for me. uh Yeah, something like that. You can start small and do just one-on-one coffee. I do a lot of coffee dates with my friends. We'll go out and meet. Usually they're kind of, I mean, they're my work friends, so it's more typical to go out and kind of network that way, or co-work. um But it kind of continues on into more like friendship-based also. Yeah, everything. um But start a playdate group, that's a really good way. join one of those Facebook groups and say, we're gonna meet at this park on Tuesdays at this time or whatever, the first Tuesday of the month or Saturday or whatever it is. some places like Arrows up in Bernie or Refuge, kind of closer to us. They host like specific age group events as well with kids. They have toddlers and goats. They also have a different toddler or kid time too. I can't remember what it is. They also do trivia nights, refuges, but Arrows does like parent, parent night, kid night kind of events as well. so fun. Yeah, book clubs, hikes. Alex and I put on a couple hikes before, just associated with what we do locally. And then a craft club, that's my favorite. I'm sure you guys have heard about us talk about our wine and craft nights that I used to do in Washington. But that's one of my favorites, is just getting moms out doing whatever. I literally would have people just lay on the floor and do the music. So just something to just step away. for however long you want to be there. I know that there's lots of walking groups. I think there's a national website for mom walking thing, too. I think there is. Maybe. But locally, I'm sure there are some groups. 5Ks. That's even something, some, that you could stroller a baby if you had to. if you have a toddler or baby or whatever, or wear them, depending on what kind of speed you're running. uh I definitely just, just my biggest takeaways here is just going to be like, be brave, put yourself out there. I guarantee you people are looking for the same thing, but they're not brave enough. Or so sometimes you just got to be like that bigger, braver person and just be consistent. And like with anything you're going to put yourself out there. And sometimes it may not stick, you know, it may not take off. There'll be one person, two people, three people. Sometimes there might be no people that really jump on it. You just keep, just keep going and just keep doing it. Be brave. Be brave. And then I also want to touch on Marco Polo because Alex and I and a lot of people in my circle use Marco Polo to chat back and forth. And that's such a great way to make a connection without having to be in person. You don't have to leave your house. seeing, okay, Marco Polo is a video chat walkie talkie essentially. And you can just talk back and forth one at a time. It's not live. It can be if you're watching it live, but it's not technically. have all this. But it's such a great way to get that connection piece without even having to leave or do anything. like if you guys are a step beyond texting, know, it's a good way to be like get it more personal, you know, and maybe kind of build that friendship into a different level that you may want it to be at. people, I think a lot of people use Marco Polo and they don't talk about it. So I mean, that could be a conversation starter for you if you're a person who uses Marco Polo. Because there's a lot of people that I think use it and don't talk about it. So that's kind of that. If you guys have more questions, you'll have to come over to Instagram and ask us because. Like Alex said, I guess I am pretty good at making friends and coming up with the ideas on how to get from here to there to wherever. Hey, if you want us to throw together a mom's date night, we can totally do it. We tried it, and the season that we were in didn't allow for us to kind of go too much further with it. But if you want to do hiking dates, we can do it. Alex wants to start a book club. I'm not a reader, but I'll do it. Let me know so I can be like Leisha it's time for our book club ah would love to book club Yeah Start it virtually and then maybe build up to like once a month or once every couple months like quarterly Meetups or something. Yeah, I'm here for it guys. Just let us know DM us we help you? We have no problem starting it. just, what's the interest? uh So now I kind of want to talk about like the different types of friends that you might encounter. So Alex and I laugh about this all the time because it's kind of one of those things. It's like, are you a surface level talker? Like what's the weather so nice today? am like, hate small talk. Like I just feel so awkward doing it. And I'm like, just please give me your trauma. Like dump it on me. We can be really good friends. I'll trauma dump with you too. Yeah. that's just one thing to keep in mind, to kind of feel it out, see where it goes, and then, you know, I mean, I have a lot of people that I meet that will trauma dump, sometimes for me, because I don't mind service level, what's the weather, whatever, talk for a little while, but then I'm like, I also, one thing is I don't love just talking about the kids. I always want to know about the mom. and what she's doing, what hobbies does she like, what is she looking forward to, what's she struggling with, what to get. that depending on what phase of life that mom did. But I literally recently have had to met people that just full trauma dump. And I just, I love it. I think it's great, but whoa. Whoa, we just met. I've only known you for like two minutes and I know way more about your life than I feel like I need to. I'm not judging. I promise I'm not judging. It probably sounds like I am. I'm not. I think it's great if someone's comfortable, that comfortable with me and they needed that. That's what they needed in that moment. I'm here for it. I kind of feel like it's kind of an honor because it means that you were comfortable enough with you or you seemed like you weren't gonna judge them that they were like, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna major connect with you right now. So, yeah, definitely. um But those are kind of my things. I'm kind of like anywhere. I'm good with anything. um with small talk because I just am like, cool, yep. Now what do I say to you? But like I said, the kids, yes. No friendship, cards. The weather is good. Your shirt is nice. that, because that literally, I'm not kidding you, is what I did to the one lady at the park. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we were talking to her about other stuff. But it was my in though. um I do like to get, like I said, past the kid focus thing though, and kind of pull them in, because I want them, for me, and what my goals are in friendship is to see who they are. And it just... You gotta move outside of the, I'm just a mom. being a mom, Because, And we were all people before we were moms. So pulling out those old parts that are gone, I think is really important ah if you're seeking friendships that are deeper than just for your kids. mean, obviously, like I just now I'm in my final phase of toddlers. So like sometimes people ask me like, what about me? know, like those icebreaker questions and I hate icebreaker questions and Alicia knows this about me because I'm like, what, what, I don't know. What do I like? Or I'm like, I don't know. I don't want to share my favorite book with a group of 10. uh You know, so. right. um Another thing to think about is you're going to have you're going to encounter all different people, people that match kind of your energy level and where you're at. And you can talk to them weekly or monthly or every couple of months. And they're totally fine with that. uh Or there's people that can be there for you every day, like if that's what you need and what you're looking for. And there's no wrong way to encounter or carry that friendship. um Now, let's talk. a little bit about like when friendships get tricky, which we kind of touched on earlier as far as like running into people that don't have the same values or morals as you or things become um just conflicted in general, I guess. um But one thing, I kind of did a little bit of research on this episode and listened to some other podcasts. And one of the things that came up was in some of those. where the people are so quick to judge and to just drop something because of their self-led boundary, we'll say. And sometimes things aren't always black and white. And I think that it's really important to have positive intent. You never know truly what that person is going through. So if they ghost you and you haven't heard from them for two weeks, but you've texted them six times, they could have postpartum depression. They could be really struggling, and you reaching out probably means a lot, but they don't have the energy to. to answer but at some point hopefully they will. I do think, yeah, I mean, especially as moms, I think we can all relate that we sometimes just need somebody to just be like, she's probably busy. know, like just understand that we're busy, you know, or we have big things happening that maybe we didn't, aren't ready to share or are just not quite there yet or we're in the midst of. And so just having a friend that's like. I mean, it sucks that they're not answering. get that, especially if you are the one being slightly ghosted, that it would suck, but also being like, they're probably, you got stuff going on. Also, I know this kind of comes, I've actually seen this quite a few times, is people who encounter people who are very clingy and they're like, just instantly fall in love with you and want to be by your side all the time. had a, in one of my mom's group, there was a lady who was like, I don't even know what to do about this lady, but I met her and now she like literally physically will. move her chair to sit in between me and other people at our soccer games and like, what do I do? How do I set these boundaries of like, we could be friends, but you need to be over there and I'm gonna be over here or it's okay for me to have more than just you as a friend. um Those are all really hard things, but I think communication is key and holding. hard in a newer friendship especially, I feel like. may not even know you have those friendship boundaries until those things happen. So I'm not saying you have to go into it being like, have these boundaries. You just may not know until you have somebody like that and you're like, I don't know what to do with this. Yeah, so either being like, I'm going to be, know, either set the precedent with them. Like at the soccer games, I'm going to sit with X, Y, Z. You know what I mean? Or even, mean, sometimes, you know, actually this is kind of funny because Delilah had this happen at school on the first couple days is this girl came up to her and said, can I sit here? And she says, well, my friend sitting here and here, but you can sit there. And the girl just sat down. And I think it was just because the panic sat down. positive intent. Like we don't know what happened, but this girl was like, she said I could sit down. She just sat down. But like putting that on it and be like, oh. You're sitting so close to me. You, could you move over? Like I have no problem being like that to somebody. Or like adjust myself, but if it gets beyond that. hey, our chairs are kind of knocking. I'm going to scoot my chair over a little or, you know, because, you know, like we just said, you don't know what's going on with these people's lives. And so I think that, you know, sometimes kindness goes a long way. Even when you're setting a boundary, you can still be kind about it. Yeah. Now if it's something like, maybe it's like pebbling and they're sending you reels like every day. Alex and I send so many, but my husband and I do too, but. so many threads. and I like chat on Marco Polo. We text, we chat on Instagram, and then sometimes we call, but. But if it's too much too fast? some friends don't like that. I would say for yourself, you have mute. You can pretty much mute any channel that you're texting on. Instagram, whatever. and be like, I will respond to it in kind when I have the mental space. And you could always be like, whoa, you're kind of blowing up my phone. I'm going to have to like turn this off because I'm doing stuff. You know what mean? And I think that most people, even if that might make them be like, oh, they will also understand at the same time. Yeah. I mean like even for me like I have do not disturb on it I don't even know 8 p.m. Until the morning and so like if someone texts me after that I I those that's a personal boundary for me though of knowing that I'm not gonna text them back or get back to them until Whenever I want don't know if you're awake answer this when you are but whatever I'm gonna say Yeah, like I have Instagram notifications turned off I have my Marco Polo on And in my text but my text also have that do not disturb during certain hours and I can change that to be like during like other hours if I needed it to be to also And there's definitely other things that you could come into like um alcohol or even working out or dieting. There's all these different things that you can encounter that could potentially be triggering or issues for you. And just making sure that you have those personal boundaries in place and you know how to communicate your needs to other people if you need to. And there are some instances where, you know, I think specifically like with alcohol, for say, if somebody is like, that's what they do when they hang out and you're like, that's just not really my vibe, then it just might not be the right friendship, unfortunately. oh Or if you, you know, we've had a friend that has gone through this also is a lot of the hangouts were around drinking and it's like, well, maybe let's go to lunch. Maybe a timeframe that's not evening where you would just like drink a lot. Even sometimes brunch or breakfast, like maybe breakfast or just, just a coffee shop and being like, can we just, we can go to a coffee shop or just kind of physical, you know, yeah. hold that friendship. it's a problem, yeah, just some options for you if it comes up Typically I feel Actually, I'm not gonna say that I was gonna say typically I think you attract people who are like you in some ways but I retract that because I definitely have had over the years people that For instance, like you, you make friends sometimes because of Jesse, like, and he's in that environment, like he's making friends based on where he is in work, you know what I mean? So it's not necessarily that their morals align, but it was like, hey, you seem funny. We're conveniently like always together. It's kind of like a friendship of circumstance. And then that trickles down into you and your family basically. And then that's when it determines is this friendship. Right. Yeah. But with all of that being said, just make sure that any friendship that you encounter go into, whether that's the short term or the long term, that they are feeling you're getting fulfilled, your cups being filled in some way more than you are feeling drained by the situation or by the person or um by having to maintain it. Right. anything like that. communication is huge. when you see a message from this person or if they ask you, oh my gosh, that person again, you might need to either evaluate why, maybe there's a boundary you need to be setting with them, because maybe it's not the person necessarily, but the action. Or you need to be like, do I want this friendship? You know I mean? Because don't drag another person along making you think that they're friends either. You don't want to be that person. definitely. um But I think that that's kind of all that I have to say about making friends. Hopefully this episode makes you not as scared if you're feeling scared. Be your friendship coach. There we go. Friendship coaches. Is that a thing? I'm going to Google that now. do follow some friendship like pages on Instagram. They give really good content, but I mean just for I mean, yeah, I don't know. It's fun. I just think it's fun going to make a freebie and it's going to have like, we're going to make one that says, says like starters, conversation starters. And it's going to be like conversation hooks to escalate how to exchange your phone number, like how to exchange your information. I go full brain. You guys are all going to be walking around papers. Hello. My name is yeah. Anyways, I encourage you guys to get out, be brave, be consistent, find somebody if you're lacking that in life that you can just kind of even just funnily banter back and forth with. um Even if it's not in person, just somebody virtually in person, through the school, through a book club, through whatever it is. work friends. um Find someone if that's really... Message us! If you don't have anyone else, message us. We would love to be your friend. We'll start a Marco Polo. Wow, Marco Polo group. Hey, join the groom. We also have our local area moms group that if you are local to us you can DM us and we can send you the link local to San Antonio um But yeah, that's I encourage you to Be brave seek out a friend if that is what you need in life right now, and hopefully we made it easier for you Yeah, I definitely think friendship is a little bit about stepping outside your comfort zone. All right. Thanks for listening to us chat about friendships.