The SOVRN Report
Drop in for quick bit sized nuggets of sovereignty and reclaim your life!
The SOVRN Report
Why Relationships Feel Harder Than They Should
Join us for an enlightening journey as we highlight common relationship landmines, like differing holiday traditions or views on conflict, that often trip couples up. With Michael Volz's four-step exercise, learn how to identify hidden tensions, gain clarity on underlying beliefs, and foster better understanding with your partner. Whether you're tangled up in small arguments or facing major value differences, this episode promises practical tools to help you bridge the gap and nurture a more harmonious relationship.
Hey, everyone Ever feel like relationships are kind of a puzzle sometimes.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Like you love each other. You want to make it work but, it's like you're speaking totally different languages. Well, today we're going deep on this. Okay, we're diving into this article why Relationships Feel Harder Than they Should and what you Can Do About it.
Speaker 2:Oh, interesting.
Speaker 1:By Michael Volz. It's all about why those tiny things you know, like who loads the dishwasher the right way, can turn into these huge blowouts.
Speaker 2:You're so right about the different languages thing. Yeah, volz is saying that a lot of the friction comes from us all carrying this baggage Package. Yeah, not literal suitcases, right, but like expectations we don't even realize we have. Oh, okay, about how relationships are supposed to be Shaped by our families and all that.
Speaker 1:Hmm, that makes sense. So it's like we each have this rule book in our heads, exactly Based on how we grew up. Yeah, but how does that actually like play out?
Speaker 2:Well, volz uses this analogy. It's really interesting. It's like two worlds colliding you and your partner. You've both been shaped by totally different families, cultures you name it Right right and those two worlds. They collide when you try to build a life together.
Speaker 1:Oh, I like that, like when you first move in together, yes, and suddenly you realize your partner folds towels wrong.
Speaker 2:Exactly, or they think about money totally differently.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that's a big one.
Speaker 2:And Volz points out those little differences. They can actually be about way deeper values Interesting, Like maybe one of you grew up where saving every penny was everything.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:While the other's family was more spontaneous about spending.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Or one family, they avoided conflict at all costs. But the other, they loved a good debate.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's my family. We argue about everything.
Speaker 2:And those values. That's where the clashes come from.
Speaker 1:So you're saying, even those tiny arguments about whose turn it is to take out the trash could be about something way bigger.
Speaker 2:Often we don't even realize it's these unspoken expectations driving it. We just get frustrated.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like why doesn't my partner just get it?
Speaker 1:Okay, so say you start to see this happening in your relationship.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:What can you actually do?
Speaker 2:Volts actually has this practical four-step exercise, ooh, to help couples figure out those hidden tensions and start to understand each other better.
Speaker 1:Okay, interesting.
Speaker 2:But before we get into that, I think it's helpful to talk about some common ways these expectations can trip couples up.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, like what are the landmines we should be watching out for?
Speaker 2:Well, think about the holidays, for example. Maybe one partner expects everything to be exactly like their childhood celebration.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And they don't even realize their partner has totally different traditions.
Speaker 1:I've totally been there. My family has this whole big thing about opening presents on Christmas morning my partner's family. They're much more casual. Took us years to figure that one out.
Speaker 2:And that's the perfect example. It's not that one way is right or wrong.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:It's that we each have our own normal, based on our experiences.
Speaker 1:So how do we bridge that gap?
Speaker 2:Well, that's where Volt's four-step exercise comes in. It helps couples identify those friction points, understand where they're coming from and find new ways of relating that work for both people.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm all ears. This sounds like exactly what we need.
Speaker 2:So the first step is to pick a specific area where you're clashing. Okay, could be anything that causes arguments or tension. Right, and instead of just focusing on the surface issue, try to go a little deeper. What's the dynamic that's really going on underneath?
Speaker 1:So, instead of arguing about who forgot to buy milk, it's like why does this tiny thing make me so mad?
Speaker 2:Exactly yeah, and that's where the second step comes in.
Speaker 1:So we figured out what we keep arguing about Now what?
Speaker 2:Now we got to look inward.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:This is where you and your partner each take some time alone and really think about your own beliefs and expectations around that issue Beliefs and expectations. Yeah, volt has a few questions to ask yourself.
Speaker 1:Okay, lay them on me. What kind of soul searching are we talking here?
Speaker 2:Well, first you got to ask yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Why do I think this should be handled a certain way?
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Like, if you're always fighting about the dishes Right, having to put them away right after dinner. What's the real meaning behind that for you? Oh, interesting, is it the dishes themselves, right?
Speaker 1:Or is it about something deeper? I see so like maybe for one person yeah a messy kitchen makes them feel like everything's out of control.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:But the other person doesn't mind a little clutter.
Speaker 2:Exactly yeah, once you've figured out how you feel about it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:The next question is yeah, how did your family growing up deal with this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you're saying our reactions now might be coming from how our families did things?
Speaker 2:Exactly, and here's the cool part. Okay, once you see those patterns, ask yourself did I actually like that, or am I just doing it out of habit?
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:This step can be a real eye-opener, I bet, because now you're deciding if those old ways of doing things actually work for you now.
Speaker 1:That's really powerful. It's like you're in control of your reactions.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and that leads us to step three.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:You and your partner. You come back together and you share what you realized.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:This is where the magic happens.
Speaker 1:But I got to say sharing that stuff, that feels kind of scary.
Speaker 2:I hear you.
Speaker 1:Any tips on how to do it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, volts's, the key is curiosity and listening. It's not about being right or wrong.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:It's about understanding each other.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So, instead of saying you always do this, yeah, try. Something like this is really important to me because and explain how your past made you feel this way.
Speaker 1:So it's more about being vulnerable than blaming each other.
Speaker 2:As you're sharing. Pay attention. Are there themes about how your families did things? I bet you'll start to see patterns.
Speaker 1:Those aha moments where you realize why you clash so much.
Speaker 2:Totally, and that understanding can really help because you start to see each other with more compassion.
Speaker 1:That makes sense.
Speaker 2:And once you've had that honest talk, Okay. We move to the final step.
Speaker 1:The grand finale Hit me with it.
Speaker 2:You create a new system just for the two of you. This is where you take the best of both worlds.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And make something new that fits your values as a couple.
Speaker 1:Okay, how do we do that Like? Is there a manual?
Speaker 2:Volt says talk about how you want to handle this issue. Uh-huh, and get this, he says, to write it down.
Speaker 1:Whoa, hold on. You're saying we need a relationship contract.
Speaker 2:Not exactly. It's more like a reminder of what you talked about, the changes you're making. Okay, could be as simple, as we'll talk more openly about money.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:Or we'll be more thoughtful during the holidays.
Speaker 1:So it's like setting ground rules Exactly that work for both of you.
Speaker 2:It creates a better dynamic.
Speaker 1:I like that, but let's be real.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:This four-step plan is great, but relationships are still work.
Speaker 2:You're absolutely right.
Speaker 1:It's not a magic fix.
Speaker 2:It's an ongoing thing.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:Life changes, new stuff comes up, people grow Right. The key is to use this approach regularly.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And adapt as you go.
Speaker 1:It's like taking your relationship to the mechanic for a tune-up.
Speaker 2:I like that.
Speaker 1:Make sure everything's running smooth.
Speaker 2:But hey, besides this awesome four-step plan, volt actually has three more strategies.
Speaker 1:Oh nice.
Speaker 2:That can help your relationship a lot.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm ready, give me the good stuff. All right, hit me with those relationship-saving strategies.
Speaker 2:The first one is all about being curious. Curious, yeah, instead of like jumping to conclusions or getting all defensive when you see those differences, yeah, yeah, volt says, try to be genuinely curious about your partner.
Speaker 1:So it's like, instead of being a judge, Exactly. You're more like a detective.
Speaker 2:I love that.
Speaker 1:Trying to figure things out.
Speaker 2:Ask questions like help me understand why this matters so much to you, okay, or tell me about your experience with this. Hmm, I like that you might be surprised what you learn this I like that you might be surprised what you learn.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you shift from blaming each other to actually trying to understand.
Speaker 2:Okay, what's the next tip Volz talks about building traditions together, as a couple.
Speaker 1:Traditions.
Speaker 2:It's not just letting go of old stuff, okay, it's also making something new. That's just for you two.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that. It's like we're weaving a new tapestry you too. Oh, I love that. It's like we're weaving a new tapestry.
Speaker 2:Yes, not just patching up the old one, and those traditions can be anything, anything. You both enjoy Game night, how you celebrate birthdays, even just a dumb inside joke.
Speaker 1:Yeah, those little things can be so important.
Speaker 2:They really are.
Speaker 1:My partner and I. We make pancakes every Sunday morning. Oh, I love that. It's nothing fancy, but it's ours.
Speaker 2:Exactly those little moments they build connection.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we got curiosity, shared traditions. What's the last one?
Speaker 2:Communication, making time to check in with each other.
Speaker 1:I feel like everyone says that.
Speaker 2:It's true, but so many couples just don't do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, life gets in the way, exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:And then boom, huge fight out of nowhere.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right. So how do we actually make time to talk? Volz says schedule it Literally block out time to talk about your relationship and not just complaining either. Okay, talk about what's going well.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right Acknowledge each other's effort.
Speaker 1:It's like what gets appreciated gets repeated. Right, exactly.
Speaker 2:And it creates this safe space to bring up the tough stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, before it turns into a big fight.
Speaker 2:Being proactive like that, it can really make a difference.
Speaker 1:This has been such a fascinating deep dive.
Speaker 2:I agree.
Speaker 1:It's amazing how much our past and those hidden expectations can really mess with our relationship.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:But the good news is, if we understand those patterns and we put in the work to talk openly and build those traditions together.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:We can actually make our relationships stronger, more fulfilling.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and I think the biggest takeaway here is what is that? Friction in a relationship. It's not always a bad thing.
Speaker 1:Interesting.
Speaker 2:It's a chance to grow, understand each other better and become even closer.
Speaker 1:So true. So next time you're butting heads with your partner, take a breath and ask yourself is this really about this issue, or is it about those deeper expectations we were talking about?
Speaker 2:It could change everything.
Speaker 1:Thanks for joining us everyone. This was great. We'll see you next time for another deep dive.