Hector Bravo UNHINGED
Official Hector Bravo Podcast
Hector Bravo UNHINGED
From Dope To Duty To Deliverance
We follow Ross from a Wisconsin childhood to street hustles, an Air Force enlistment, relapse, a near-fatal overdose, and a rebuild through surgeries and recovery. Raw details on brain chemistry, Narcan saves, shame, loyalty, and the daily work of staying clean anchor a hard-won hope.
• early dealing for status and acceptance
• cocaine use escalating into loss of control
• benzos to blunt crashes and rewire the brain
• enlistment, detox in basic, leadership missteps
• homecoming stressors and relapse triggers
• IV use, street rules, and hepatitis C risks
• surveillance, interrogation, court-martial, discharge
• shame, isolation, and treatment-rehab cycles
• meth trafficking, violence, and fleeing fallout
• first IV heroin high and ritual addiction
• overdoses, Narcan realities, and suicidal drift
• the overdose, ICU weeks, pressure wounds
• surgeries, tendon transfer, and rehab to walk
• living clean, small circle, and meetings
• clear advice to users and to families
Warriors, if you haven’t already signed up for our all new website, HectorBravoshow.com, make sure you sign up at the link below, HectorBravoshow.com, to watch explicit, uncensored, never before seen prison footage
Hector Bravo on chaos is now in section.
SPEAKER_01:Welcome back to our channels, Warriors. We are still growing today. Another banger. This channel is all about helping people through experience, strength, and hope. We found somebody from the Midwest, man, representing the Midwest Wisconsin. The guy by the name of Ross is about to put it up on the map. What's up, Ross? What's going on? Good to have you here, dude. And I'm glad you flew all the way over here, bro. Thank you.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, me too. I was looking forward to meeting you and getting involved. I love what you've been doing. So here we are. Brought the beautiful wife with.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, yeah. Welcome. Welcome. Yep. It's San Diego, dude. You can't beat San Diego. No, you can't.
SPEAKER_00:You can't. We're walking around seeing people with flannels and uh sweatshirts on. Yeah. And we're going back on the snow. So you know, this is a little treat for us, right?
SPEAKER_01:For sure, dude. How long had you been reaching out to me, man? Because you I get a lot of uh messages, but I had you were can you were persistent here?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, because um how long? Probably a couple months. Couple months. Just showing love, really.
SPEAKER_01:Right, appreciate that.
SPEAKER_00:And then after after a few of that, like just showing love and appreciation and respect, um, I just reached out like, hey, you want to get I want to be involved, you know what I mean? Can we make something happen? And then you, you know, were about it. And then um, I know you're busy, and time went by, and I was like, man, I like I was getting antsy, you know. Oh, yeah, apologize for that, man. No, it's all good, man. I I know you're out here doing your thing, and so well, I'm glad we're doing it right here, dude.
SPEAKER_01:So why don't you tell us where you were born, the city and and the state?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, I was born in Nina, Wisconsin, which is um right like in the Fox Valley, is what we call it. Um in Wisconsin. It's about 20 miles south of Green Bay, an hour from Milwaukee. Okay, so in between Green Bay and Milwaukee. Um, born there, grew up there. Um 39. I'm gonna be 40 in January. So we're approximately the same age, same time frame we grew up in. Almost gonna make it to 40. That's right.
SPEAKER_01:You were almost not gonna make it to 40? Yeah, well, I'd we'll get there, bro.
SPEAKER_00:We'll get we'll talk about that, yeah. Yeah. Um, but I grew up there going back and forth to Racine with my um my parents' family. So back when I was a younger youngster.
SPEAKER_01:I have an army buddy from Racine, man. Yeah. Last name Kramer. Shout out to Kramer.
SPEAKER_00:What's up, Kramer? Yeah, yeah. And Racine, what's up, Horlick Park? There you go. Yep. Um, pretty much ran around there. Uh, played soccer in high school, was real good. Um, did a lot of track, went to state and stuff.
SPEAKER_01:At this point, were drugs introduced to your life or were you aware of them?
SPEAKER_00:I was aware of them. I uh weed for sure. I mean, big time weed. I think around this time was the first time that I realized you can make money off of shit that you like, right? Like, so I was turning on the weed, but I was just smoking it, and then that pretty much quickly turned into you know selling it to my buddies or whatever.
SPEAKER_01:At that time, it probably was not the best of the weed personality. No, no, in comparison to what they say now.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, no. Um, if we had like mids or or nugs, like you know, people were lining up. Wow. But a lot of it was like, you gotta get a disc and take them beaners out.
SPEAKER_01:Now, was were you aware of where it was coming from? Because you're all the way in the hell over there, bro. It's not like it's not like California.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, I I knew where it was coming from locally.
SPEAKER_01:Um I'm saying past locally.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, no, I mean that they say some things, but you don't, you know. Yeah, you don't know. It was like Mexican brickweed, what they were saying. And it did certainly look like that, but I didn't, that wasn't my business.
SPEAKER_01:Wasn't your concern? Yeah. You were just like, hey, I'm gonna get so you were actually you smoking weed and selling weed? Yep, yep. What age, what age?
SPEAKER_00:Um junior, sophomore, junior year.
SPEAKER_01:No, sophomore, high school, like 16, 17. What was the year? 2000? 200 two, three. Okay, because I I graduated in 02, so in 2002, there you are, Ross, slanging bud in fucking Wisconsin. Yep. We're now were you a big time drug dealer or something like that? I wouldn't say that.
SPEAKER_00:I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that, like just the local connect, maybe just a local to my guys, but you know, that you that escalates, you know.
SPEAKER_01:No, I know, but I want to see and I want to show the crowd, like, hey, you may think you're cool fucking slinging dope right now in high school, but but there's an end of this fucking story.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I mean, that's the beginning. Correct, you know, and like real quick, that started to get out of hand, you know, and then I threw through cocaine in it, and once that came, I started using it first, and it was fun, right? And then I figured out how much money can come from that and forget about it. At that point, I was hit the ground running, and that was a like end of high school, you know, beginning of whatever I was gonna do next.
SPEAKER_01:Do you have an addictive personality? Oh, I'd say yeah. Are you an addict? Yes, cool. Uh, because only you can say you're an addict or an alcoholic.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, right on. I I respect that, and that's that I am.
SPEAKER_01:No, and I respect that, yeah, right? That you acknowledge it and you identify it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I mean, I am clean, I have five years clean, right? But shit, I'm always gonna be an addict when I got 20 years and or whatever, you know? You don't never jump off that ship.
SPEAKER_01:As we're sitting here, bro, I'm just thinking, like, this is part of your story, bro. You're supposed to be here right now sharing your freaking story.
unknown:That's true.
SPEAKER_01:And I know you feel it, man. It's liberating, bro. It's freaking spiritual, dude. It really is, man. Big time. So we know you said you're an addict, which is probably never a good idea. You answered this. Is it a good idea for a drug dealer to be an addict? No. Technically, I mean, no, no. Would it make a difference if somebody was not an addict versus an addict dealing drugs? Um, in what way? Like, what's the I mean, would you start consuming your own product? Would you start making mistakes that you normally would not make? As being an addict in putting? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah, for sure. Is that what it always gets out? Yep, it gets out of hand. What happened? You keep getting out of hand. A little bit. Okay, so for the coke, let's just say, for example, like I started getting to the point where I was breaking off more for myself and losing my profit like every next re-up, like, because more and more I was doing. And then eventually, to long story short, I was just like slang into use. There was no profit no more involved. It was just I that's when I really flipped from you know the guy to just like the addict.
SPEAKER_01:I want to close my eyes and I want you to describe to me what this looks like, man. Are you in an apartment? Are you in a room? Is there a brick of cocaine in front of you?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so I lived in um these little apartments in our little town. Like um, it had a the bottom level, it had a window like on the ground level, so I could see out in the parking lot. And I just set up different spots and people would come by and I'd go serve them. Every now and then they'd come in, which down the road that got out of hand and that got me in some in a jam. Um, but basically, if I was home, you you could come get it. If I was out, you could come see me. If the money was right, I'd come to you, you know, like just Were you bagging it up? Were you breaking it up? Yeah. Yep. Were you cutting it? No, we I didn't step on it. Didn't step on it, but um, you know, your bag might be a little light at points, depending on how I was living, right? You know, right. But you know, yeah, I we broke it up, bagged it up, you know.
SPEAKER_01:The scale and the table and the whole nine? Oh yeah. You have somebody that you had to answer to or and or give money to. Oh yeah. Yeah. Was their demeanor like dangerous? If it needed to be.
SPEAKER_00:Great answer, bro. If it needed to be, I can't at this point I was solid with him. Like I knew what you know. You know, so you weren't a dummy, bro. You were Yeah, I okay, you know what you're doing, right? And you know what the consequences are. So you if you know. So if you if you mess up or fall off, then you know exactly what you're gonna have to answer to. So there's no surprises, right?
SPEAKER_01:That's so crazy because so many people find themselves in jams.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01:What do you think that's from? Lack of understanding the game?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, or just like d lack of understanding the game, um, disrespecting the person, not ble not not really um underestimating them. Yeah, underestimating them, um, just blatant disrespect, or like their addiction just said, I I can't pay nobody back because I need to get high, right? Right. And then you got running around and it's it starts the whole thing. That is so sketchy, dude.
SPEAKER_01:Give me anxiety thinking about it. I'm not even in that.
SPEAKER_00:And you gotta think we were youngsters too. I mean, like we we were young, it was too young, you know. Um, but that was the beginning when I realized I loved money and I loved dope. And I loved the feel I gotta be honest, I love the feeling that I had when people like people were coming to me. I needed that I had what they needed, is what I'm trying to say. That's what I'm fumbling out. And to uh keeping it real, that was a good feeling, you know, until I realized way down the road that I was just poisoning my people. Right. But at the time, man, shit.
SPEAKER_01:So uh you like the feeling of being depended dependable and counted on by people.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't like myself, I didn't feel comfortable with my skin. So I think a lot that's where a lot of the like that shit comes out from. Like, um I needed people almost maybe ego? I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:Was it ego?
SPEAKER_00:I don't know if I'd say ego, right? Like at that point, it was more of like a a need for people to to want to like me or to like mess with me.
SPEAKER_01:I hear what you're saying now. Acceptance.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, okay, oh, good word. That's what that's what I'm thinking.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you were you felt you felt that you were accepted by them.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Because maybe you weren't feeling that in other aspects of your life.
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely. You were not? I mean, no, not something was absent for me to correct be like reaching for for this stuff, right? Right. Um, it's hard to say what, like, because I have friends and stuff. I just like I was so self-aware.
SPEAKER_01:Like, I was so in um I don't want to miss out on this opportunity to ask you because I think it's important. Was there childhood trauma involved in any of your story?
SPEAKER_00:Um well, I don't I wouldn't say trauma. Okay. I wouldn't say trauma. I would say um I wanted I always wanted more attention from um my folks than I feel like I got. So then I I would laugh, I would just do dumb shit. I'd do like rebel and stuff. And um my pop, my family member um would just be gone. He liked dealing with stuff, he'd just go to the gym. He owned a gym gymnastic school. So to me, deep down, I felt like he's raising all these kids, but he, you know, he's doing his best, but like but I felt like that they were more important if I'm being completely honest. The gymnast that he was coaching a lot of times made me feel like that I'm secondary, you know. Okay, so and my mom was like loving, she'll do her best, right? You know, but like it's uh we know now everyone's just trying to fit in, keep it together in a family, and it's like there's no such thing as perfect, or like there is not, bro, you know, or like a normal family. Show me what that is, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, because it's all a facade or a front.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, if they're putting it out there too much, and then that in turn that makes youngsters or whatever feel like, oh, I don't have that. Like, I gotta make up a something. Like, I gotta whatever, you know. It's just like it's it was like hard to be yourself or be comfortable being yourself.
SPEAKER_01:So, with you looking back at that young age, what would you tell yourself in regards to, hey man, not every family's perfect. Yeah, man. What would you tell your younger self?
SPEAKER_00:I'd say, man, that's um, I'd say for first of all, don't worry about people that don't care about you, what they think. Like, you got your friends that are close that would do something for you that you would do for them. That's who you need to worry about. Don't not worry about them other, you know, whatever, geeks off the street, because they don't they don't matter. They don't you don't matter to them. Why do you care if if they see you? You know? And um, and really like stick with your guys, like, you know, the tight, keep a small circle and tight, and keep each other accountable accountable, right? You know, bro, there's only one percent of solid people in this world. Yo, man, I know it. I I know it.
SPEAKER_01:One percent, bro. And I've been around the block. Army correct shit.
SPEAKER_00:You know, as well as I do, and like, man, and it's man, it took me shit. Let's see. Many years of hustling and um in the game, out the game. And the ones that I always thought was solid, man, it's just uh that hurts. You know, I don't even gotta go in. Yeah, man, it hurts. So fast forward to nowadays, you know, I'm uh I got small circle, three, maybe four guys that would show up solid. I call them right now, and they, oh, you're in Calio, I'll try and get there. Like cool, and I do the same for them. And and my wife, she's so down, like she held me down through man.
SPEAKER_01:That's good because mine bailed on me. Nothing.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I mean, if she did, then you know for show.
SPEAKER_01:Now she's still around. Were you enjoying the consumption of cocaine? Warriors, if you haven't already signed up for our all new website, HectorBravoshow.com, make sure you sign up at the link below, HectorBravoshow.com, to watch explicit, uncensored, never before seen prison footage. With that, love you, keep pushing forward. Yeah, very much.
SPEAKER_00:So it made me I bossed up a little bit, you know. Right, but then you crash. You you you uh you crash, and then I look for Valium or or or benzos, and then that's when that comes into my life. Okay. So early on, and I'm just gonna say family member because I don't want to put nobody's on black. So I had a family member that um had like the little footballs, the fake Xanax, or the um, not fake, the um, the like cheap Xanax, like the can't think of the word. Generic. Generic, thank you. And like by the 90 in them, like every twice a month. Like, so I dip into there. It makes me feel awful talking about, but hey, that that's the real shit. So I dip into there and on my own, and nobody knew like at all, not even my homies, like I started eating them, and holy shit, like that was a whole that was a whole new thing. So then I knew I could get those and then do more coke and sell more coke, and then oh, give this um Xanax to another guy and be like, man, wait till you come down, eat that. And then they're knocking on the door. So then that turned into a hustle. Mind you, I'm fucking like peeling my family member that needs these. Like, you know, that that's just selfish shit. I would I'd look back and now that was the beginning of like me like turning to a kind of dirt bag, you know.
SPEAKER_01:I would say you selling weed was the beginning of you being a dirt bag. Okay, fair enough. Okay, yeah. Okay, I mean it's legal now, right? And it's fucking, I don't want to disrespect anybody, but you hear what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_00:No, I like that. Uh, you give me pull-ups, man. I like that people that's that's solid.
SPEAKER_01:Because you're doing something you know you should not have been doing. Yeah, right. And at the time you could have got arrested.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, for sure. But in my mind, yeah, I was like, uh, it's just weed, man. You know, correct. But st it's still, and it's still at home, it's still illegal. Oh, at back at your where you're from? Yeah, in Wisconsin, um, by us. So I didn't know that. But we can go up to Michigan, okay, up to buy where my brother lives, and or family member lives. I gotta stop doing that. Um, and go to the Spencer and come right back home. But to me, it's uh it's okay because we'd rather do that than go cop uh a bunch of ounces off this dude on the street that I don't know. You don't know what the what people are doing nowadays with their shit.
SPEAKER_01:Fuck, dude. We're gonna get into that because that's so scary.
SPEAKER_00:It's so scary. So Valium is a downer? Valium is a benzo, yeah. So it's gonna it's gonna help your um nervous system kind of calm down. It's gonna slow your heart rate a bit, and it's gonna calm you, it's like gonna calm you down, you know?
SPEAKER_01:So as you're withdrawing from cocaine and coming down, if you consume that, it takes that horrible feeling away.
SPEAKER_00:It just yeah, it takes that like feeling of like you're oh like your edge. You're yeah, you take a few of those, shit, a handful of those, and you go sleep. You go to sleep. Yeah, I mean, yeah. But you're basically putting yourself out, but you you're you're going to sleep. Uh-huh. You know.
SPEAKER_01:100%, bro.
SPEAKER_00:And then like my mother bodies would be up. When I wake up, they'd still be up bugging, walking around the house, you know, like, what the we're getting more of those? I was like, man. And for me, I was I kept them, I kept them close to me. Like, I was stingy with them because I was at that point addicted, like, to the benzos for sure. Dude.
SPEAKER_01:I'm just sitting here tripping out on the highs and the lows and the roller coaster, man.
SPEAKER_00:And like, yeah, and and no one knew early on about these things, you know, so about the the little pills. So, what would you guys call them or refer to them as footballs, blue footballs, um, benzies, okay, blues, before the per cassettes come around?
SPEAKER_01:Now, at the time, were those purposely utilized for when you're coming down from Coke, or could you use them when you're drinking beer or any colour? Oh, man, I eat that.
SPEAKER_00:It helped a lot with the Coke. Um, but I I needed it for what oh, we're going out. Okay, I'll I'll eat one. Okay. We're going to watch a movie. Okay, I'll eat two. Like, it wasn't good, man. Correct. And um, and at a young age, like that really was was something that I wish I would not have stumbled on. I mean, of course, a lot of stuff, but like I didn't know anything about those chemicals and how old were you? Um 17, 18, 19, no way, 20.
SPEAKER_01:Because the human brain does not stop developing till I'm till you're 26.
SPEAKER_00:And I don't know if you know, but those chemicals in the benzos, like, man, they're strong. They're strong and they leave lasting effects. And when you try and jump off them, I mean, it's dangerous. You can die just stopping taking benzo's cold turkey.
SPEAKER_01:Could you explain to the crowd how chemicals rewire your brain? And you know what I mean by that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So, um, like it has a benzo or like an opiate or overall.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, these kids utilizing dope, what they're not realizing is it's dopamine. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:You're right, it's flexing their brain system. Right. So your brain starts out, your brain, your brain off drugs, starts out with it has dopamine and um like all that shit, normally serotonin that it gives you when it's supposed to. It's like it's like a it's a system set up already. So then when you start adding other things into other chemicals to make you feel this way or don't feel that way or anything, and you do it kind of consistently, it's building up. It is not just going and leaving. Every time it's leaving a little bit of itself. Oh, my bad. You're good, dude. I talk in my hands, so no handily, bro. Um, and it's leaving a little bit, then eventually it's changing the the it's changing the way your brain works, functions. It will switch around um to where things go. Like it's crazy, like it takes over. You know, it totally takes over, and that's one of the reasons that it's so hard to get off of a benzo if you're very much addicted, because that stuff doesn't just drop. I mean, it's there. Even when you get clean, now you deal with your new brain setting.
SPEAKER_01:Your new baseline. Yeah, your basics.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. And like, and then to go from there to you know, forget it, like what's next? Facts, you know, and then a lot of times you're like, damn, my brain chemistry is messed up. What can I take to like get it better, you know? Bring it to like, you know, now what can I do to ail that? You know, and it's a fucking slippery slope, man.
SPEAKER_01:Dude, I'd rather hear that from you than hear it from a doctor, man. I don't know why I would just feel that it sticks more hearing from you.
SPEAKER_00:For sure. I uh a little off that, but like I've been in treatment like so many times, and yeah, and I respect, okay, the the pay the um students that come through um and they read out of a book to us and stuff, and no disrespect to them. I love them. But like you get an addict that's been through some shit up there talking to us, our eyes are glued. Right. Because like it's just so I can't really put my finger on what the difference is, but like someone that walked it. It's the similarities, and someone that read about it, yeah. They don't they read about it, but it's a story to them. To us, we walked it like you know, we know I'm gonna know, I'm gonna connect more with the guy that slept in the park just like I did, you know, like to give credit to those students, and um, they have been helpful to me.
SPEAKER_01:Oh man, they're helpful because they are detrimental, they understand the medical terminology, yes, and they they went through classes and they wanted to be in this field to help.
SPEAKER_00:Right, and that alone is is big ups, you know. I that's love, it's nothing personal, and I actually had a conversation with one of uh my counselors, one of my stays at the Dom Stiller about that, and like it was I was surprised because I thought, dang, she might be offended, but like she totally understood, you know, and then I have other ones that were like kind of you know, friction with it, like I'm just as which isn't it, that's fine. Yeah, personal preference. And that guy might help someone out very well, but it's just not vibing with me. Facts, there's not one street to getting right. True, you know. How in the heck did you end up in the Air Force? Okay, where did that come up at? Well, okay, so fast forward to my 21st birthday. I'm still in the shit, in the like doing my hustle, but drinking, getting sloppy drunk. So my 21st, I got sloppy drunk, got into a fight, uh, assault, assault charge. Um, I can't remember what else. But anyways, I caught a case and I went to court, and at this point, the judges would could like they could send you to join the hey, you you don't want to do this little bid, go to the military, go to the um offices the next day. So I walked in there and the army guys ran at me, like I swear, like pushed up me, like like pushed up on me there really.
SPEAKER_01:Did you tattooed at the time or not yet?
SPEAKER_00:Nah, not really, a little bit. They couldn't see him though. Um, and but then I went to the Air Force because my uncle, my uncle was uh in the Air Force. He jumped around, he likes he jumped around, he did um a lot, but he's like, go in the air force and fucking keep a low profile, shut your fucking mouth. Like, and that's tough for me, first of all, bro. So I was like, man, that's some good advice. It was good advice, right? It was good advice, and he said, like, just low profile, help your peoples, you know, like you're gonna go through a transfer. You just gotta know that the intention is to break you all down and then build you up as a unit. So I had that knowledge going in, and I was like a low a little bit older from the kids that were, you know, I was 21. 17, 18. Yeah. And so I turned 22 in in uh basic training. So I had um, you know, I had good advice and I went in and I followed that. Um but like I was also like I was coming from a life where I was pretty much consistently using something every day. So when I went to get on the bus to go to basic training, like I had already starting to feel like I'll say sick for lack of a better word. Because that is no more. I'm now going. Did they piss test you before signing the contract? Oh yeah. How did you pass that? Well, there's like there's ways. There's ways? Right. I always thought they were miss. No. I mean, it's not there's ways. Like, do you want me to go into it?
SPEAKER_01:Or yeah, fuck. I mean, yeah, because I'm really eager. I mean, yeah, as long as you don't throw nobody under the bus. As long as you throw under the bus. Yeah, tell me because I want to. So you so I I mean, we're ain't trying to give these fucking young kids any tips, but if they want to be fucking idiots, that's that's on them. But go ahead and I want to hear. Okay, bet.
SPEAKER_00:So first you gotta find someone that's clean. Okay, okay, and have them give you some piss, uh, enough, like probably like two tests worth. And then you gotta keep that shit clean at the I mean hot at the exact right temperature. And then they sell these dicks that you can like put a fake dick that you kind of put over your you know, your own dick, and it looks like it's you. So then they're over your shoulder and you squeeze it, and the peak comes out, and business done, you know? Seems like a lot of work. It was a lot of work, but like it was a lot of work, but like I needed this to happen. I needed to get in. I needed to get out of what I was doing, and I shouldn't have been, I shouldn't have been taking it that far to the up to the day.
SPEAKER_01:That's what I was just about to ask you, bro. You literally fucking were using dope up until the days. What was your mind, thought process behind that?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, this will be the last day, like okay, week two weeks, and this will be the last day. Then this this just a little bit today.
SPEAKER_01:Alcoholic mentality.
SPEAKER_00:I see how far I'm gonna push it. So that so I okay, so I got that done, and I was like, whoo. So then that was a big like, okay, that was the one I was like, damn, okay, solid, right? Um, damn, I hope this don't come back to me or nothing. Ain't nothing.
SPEAKER_01:You're straight, dude. Yeah, I'll fucking bleep this shit out. I'll fucking let me do my research, man. I will never put you in a jam, bro.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, all right, but and um okay, so I was in then, and I did the vision test. Okay, so the vision test was the next morning. Basically, they said, that's it. Like you did the duck walk and all that shit, and then that was done for that day. They said, Go back to your hotel, don't do nothing, just eat and chill, drink water, you can come back at 7 a.m., start your vision test, and then all that shit, you know?
SPEAKER_01:Maps, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So I'm chilling in my hotel room, and a friend of mine lives in Milwaukee at this time because we were in Milwaukee. This is where um it was going down. He calls me, he's like, Oh, bro, the Bucks are playing. Like, you want me to swoop you up? And I'm like, my roommate's like, bro, that's a bad idea. Right. And I'm like, shh, fuck, I'll go for a little bit. Like, I'll go watch a game for a little bit. And then that turned out to got drunk as hell, got dropped off at like 2 30 in the morning at the my hotel room, and my um my the dude I was staying with, you know, my roommate, was uh like up waiting for me, like my mom or some shit, you know. And he was like, dude, what were you thinking? And I'm drunk as fuck, and I'm just like, fuck, go to sleep, dude. Like, why are you this is weird.
SPEAKER_01:Because he's a stranger, right?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, they put you in a room in a hotel with a stranger. Yeah. The night before you ship it. For sure. So who knows what's going through his mind. Right, you know, and anyways, I get a little sleep, I go in. Um, I fucking brush my teeth. I use like a whole thing of scope, and I go to do my eye test first thing, and the guy's like right next to me, and he stops me and he's like, I can smell the booze. And I'm like, What? He's like, I can smell the booze on you, out your pores, everything. You need to stay here, I need to go talk to. Somebody. Jesus. So I'm like, oh fuck, man. I I'm not gonna get through this one. Comes back with a lady and they say, We're gonna give you one break. Go back to the hotel. Stay in the hotel. Don't do nothing. Don't leave. Come back tomorrow and try again. So I did. I locked myself in the hotel room, cut my phone off, called my buddy, and said, Bro, fuck off.
SPEAKER_01:Don't talk to me.
SPEAKER_00:Don't. So I really took it serious that night. Like, I had to do it, man. It had to work. So I did. I went back there and I took the eye test and I passed and I passed, I made it in.
SPEAKER_01:But if it wasn't for that gentleman and whoever he brought over, you know, I don't know that we For the average person that does not have an addictive personality, they might see it as how is it so hard to just sit in your hotel room and not do anything. I know. Can you describe how hard it is when you're freaking going through it? Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00:It's like putting cheesecake in front of a fat person. Yeah, right. And tell them not to eat it. Tell them not to eat it. You tell me not to hit that red button and you better believe it at some point I'm gonna hit it. Like, I'll just okay, fuck it. I'll take the consequences, just do it. No, but anyways, but sitting in sitting in that room, like, you know, it was the nicest jail cell I've ever been in for sure. True. I hear you. And um, I was watching stuff, and everything I'd watch, it would be a half-hour show, and it would be like two hours in my head, you know. Time just just went so slow. Dude, you were going through it, I was going through it, and my mind was just like two of them, you know. Like that, dude, you gotta tighten up. Like you, this is your way out. Like, this is what's you you gotta do this.
SPEAKER_01:What in your psyche was going on? Did you think I'm a weak person? I need to be more mentally stronger.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I was beating myself up because I'm like, dude, uh I'm going to the military and I'm like a fucking uh kind of a wreck. Like, I'm not a like I'm not a good guy. You know, like should I even be able to do this? Like, I and honestly, yeah, because I I always had that from a little kid. Like, I never felt like were like worthy, right? Um and then especially when I started running around like doing crazy shit, like that made me feel better, but then when it came down to like going to meetings and shit, like I had to do, that was like, what the fuck am I thinking, man? You know, but like that's the way it was, you know. I was living that like the addiction's a motherfucker, man.
SPEAKER_01:Like, oh, you know I am laughing because I could relate, bro. I get it, dude.
SPEAKER_00:That's why it makes me chuckle too, because it's like, you know, when you're saying it, man, like it's like my parents would look at me be like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Can't you get your shit together?
SPEAKER_01:I'm like, I can't, bro. I can't for the love of God.
SPEAKER_00:You know how many times I've heard like, bro, just stop, bro. Like, the fuck come on, dude. Come like, and that's one of the friends that can like do some coke Saturday, Friday, Saturday night, and then be done. Facts. And then you're judging me. Like, there's been times where I've seen a friend of mine or social, whatever, do a big line of coke and then be like, Man, you need to get through life together. Like, like, you know, like, man, like, what the fuck, dude? Slide that over for me, right? You know, like bro, man, it's just people don't get it unless they get it. Correct, you know, correct, man.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, dude, oh man, I'm so grateful for this episode, bro. I'm so grateful for this conversation. Good, man.
SPEAKER_00:Me too.
SPEAKER_01:So, like, dude, you show up to where where is basic training for the airport? San Antonio. And dude, like, you're around these other youngsters. Yeah. Are your drill sergeants trying to act hard? Oh, yeah. And and real hard.
SPEAKER_00:And what is going through your brain at this point? Like, I gotta feel better somehow. Like, I need some water and like hope.
SPEAKER_01:And like a did the zero in on you, or you kind of blended in with the colour.
SPEAKER_00:I blended in at first. Okay. Um, I blended at first, but like honestly, in the beginning, I I was trying to take my uncle's um or my my family's um advice, but like it was kind of hard because I was the older one and I was like withdrawing. I was just like going to the bathroom a lot. Like, they so they kind of marked me, you know. I think they knew something was up, but I was still doing everything. Like I was still on it. You know, you couldn't, they weren't getting me for, you know, not folding my shit right or whatever. Like, I was still doing it. And then a few days, a week passed, a week and a half, two weeks, shit. I'm feeling great. I'm I'm uh uh like empty. Uh my body's like flushed all of the the the the bad, right? And now it's like holy shit, I feel I'm feeling good. These guys are making me, they're fucking pun. Uh my chest was pumped out. And they're helping me do that, you know? And then later on I got to the point where like, okay, they they played me to be like, you're the older guy, like you, you know, hold it down, like you're gonna, this is your shit. Like, and that was daunting because like the only thing I've ever been in in control of was like dope. Like, and it sounds silly, but like I did, I would have people work like do things for me, whatever. That was the closest that I ever was to like running anybody, you know? So now they put that on me, and I'm like, yeah, I can handle that. And I started to do it in a way that was not effective. It was like all I knew was to just be fucking mean and rude and harsh and make um fear, not respect, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Um, what advice do you have to leaders that use that skill set on their employees?
SPEAKER_00:Um, the like the tough love or like the No, exactly what you just said. Rude, mean. I would say like read the room, man. Like you, you know, like read the room. That this this guy over here might um might react to that. This guy over here is gonna shut down to that. Facts. You know, this guy over here, who knows, he might tighten up and be your best guy. But you can't treat, you can't be so um naive to think that every person, just because they're in the same uniform or whatever, takes things the same way and hears things the same way. It what I always did, it was like do it how that person is gonna hear it and and soak it in the way they need to. And if that is being um rough, I'll say, then so be it. But like, you know, you gotta know what you're working. One thing, there is no one thing that works for everybody and everything. 100%, dude. You know, you gotta be able to see the see people and what the you see people. That's it, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Where was your first duty station? Um Peterson Air Force Base. Where's that at? Colorado Springs. That well, I would assume that's nicer than San Antonio. Oh, yeah, man. So I can't your Air Force, bro, so you're not sleeping in the mud.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, no. What do you got? Well, you got a room? Um Barracks room? Well, I was married, I was married at the time, so we had on-base housing. Okay, which was like a nice duplex. I bet. You know? Um, and then of course, like in our little, we had like it was like a little um dead end, like a cul-de-sac? Yeah, cul-de-sac. And every single one of those families were either from the Midwest or like Texas, or they like to get down on the weekends. That thing turned into a freaking um yard party, barbecue, like big ass speakers, at parties every weekend. Sounds like a good time. It was a good time, right? It was a good time, but some things happened there that it got out of hand sometimes, you know. Like um, some some of the neighbors had some racial things and always ruined the party. And then you know where that goes. The party goes from, oh yeah, it's getting drunk as hell, to fighting and beating the shit out of each other, and then the night's over, you know? But at the same time, someone came up to me with that race shit, the things that they were saying, I I would have popped off too, you know. So it just that's when I first really learned that like the military is like everybody from everywhere, and nothing changes from leaving, like you take us out the trailer park, but for sure, you know, for sure, trailer park's in us.
SPEAKER_01:But that's the cool part though, like seeing the diversity. Oh, yeah, I loved it. You get to learn other people's culture, yeah, the way they get down.
SPEAKER_00:I love that. Love that part. Yeah, and and I was new, like from my family and just from the streets and shit. Like, you gotta come correct to people. Hell yeah, dude. You like you have to, otherwise, like, no wonder you're not getting the love or like the respect back. Like, tread lightly, okay, if you need to. Right. Read the room again, like I said. And like, other like, you know, you know who you might want to approach and who you don't. And the one you do want to approach, just come correct. Be be nice. Facts.
SPEAKER_01:You know, speak softly and carry a big skin. Yeah, man. Somebody said that one time.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I like that. I like that. Like, you don't gotta puff your chest and and you know, get tight.
SPEAKER_01:General Mattis also said, be kind, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you I I dig that. Who said that? General Mattis.
SPEAKER_00:Mad Dog That was that was like the first time I ever got real for me, you know.
SPEAKER_01:At what point in time did you begin to use uh use in the Air Force?
SPEAKER_00:So when I came home from that forward deployment, um I came home and uh my shit was all messed up at home. You know, the wife had like moved on basically. She was like she wasn't my she it wasn't the way it was before I left. Okay, we'll say. And she was not willing to she was already done.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_00:So um we tried to live like that for a little bit while but that wasn't working. So immediately I went up and met up with my guy that I know through playing poker. Like, I always knew where things were, but I never bounced That's crazy, dude. It's crazy, it's awful. Like, that's a reservation that means eventually I'm gonna use a couple reservations, and it was tough, man. And I'm not blame, I'm not saying like, oh, it's tough, I should be able to, but like I was struggling, man, you know. So yeah, I fucking started started using the um little the blues, like the 30 per cassettes and you know, whatever.
SPEAKER_01:Can you describe to the crowd what a reservation is if they hope to stop drinking or use it?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, yeah. So a reservation is when you're um when you're getting clean or you are clean, um, it's like the thing in the back of your head that you okay, let me call my buddy and see if he's got what I want. And then just be like, all right, good, just just wanted to know. And then you hang up and you go about your life trying to live sober, but then back ahead you know where it's at, and that there is setting up a reserve reservation to use. It's just a matter of time, and that's what the reservation is. You're literally setting a reservation with your homeboy that I'm gonna come and get that dope off you sometime.
SPEAKER_01:It's just that or I'll start drinking again when I retire from my job. Yeah, that's a reservation.
SPEAKER_00:Anything that is convincing yourself to relapse, correct. And that's and that's your addiction is pushing you too, you know. Facts, dude. Like it's I didn't I was on the fence about the addiction being a sickness for a while. Now I I believe. But in the beginning, it was so hard for me because I was like, I sh I, you know, I popped my I poked my arm, like I bought the dope, like, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Up until this story in the Air Force, had you injected anything yet? No. Intravenously? Nope. Okay, cool. Saw it, was around it, said it, it's not me. So you had seen others do it, yep. And when you would see them do it, what would you think?
SPEAKER_00:He said, I'm not taking it there. That's not gonna be me. You know, no offense to the buddy, but I I'm not that's not me. I'm not gonna take it there, you know?
SPEAKER_01:Because you viewed it as more of a higher elevated level of addiction?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I just think that at at that time I was just thinking like, um recreational use. Yeah, like this, it just I'll say it sounds better, but it seems so better to just break this down, this pill down and snort it, than to like get out a rig and like do the, you know, now later on down the road we'll talk about that, but um but it scared me a bit because that's how you fall out. You know, obviously taking too many pills, I've started seeing people fall out left and right, but I seen so many people use with their needle and fall out like so much in front of me that it was like, damn, I'm that's not appealing to me. Someone's gotta be um conscious to fucking narcane all of you guys. So you ever see people share needles? Oh yeah. Oh man. Yeah. Do they clean the needle before usage? They there's always there's all sorts of like myths out there that like oh yeah, this cleans it. Like, it's don't clean, it's never cleaned. It's gonna never be cleaned. It don't matter how many, how much bleach, how much how much um of that um brown bottle stuff you put in there, like it's it's not. It's just makes you feel better because you think it's clean to use it. Because if there's a if there's five um rigs or five um needles, and there's oh shit, my bad. There's five um dope fiends sitting around and there's dope there, they're they're not gonna be like, no, I'm gonna wait because I need a a clean syringe. Like that's uh that don't that's not how it goes, you know? Um so yeah, a lot of it. And then you and then you're supposed to, there's like unwritten things in the game. Like, if you know you have hepsi, because that was the biggest thing that was going around. Holy shit.
SPEAKER_01:You talk fucking disclose it, keep it to your keep your own rigs, like so there was a hidden rule to the game, an unwritten rule amongst the uh drug user community that if you are hepsi positive, you must disclose it and keep your own rig?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, or if you don't disclose it and you keep your own rig and you're like, no, no, don't want to use it, that's a sign that like Was the rule followed? Uh no, no. But that got some people hurt. I would say that. I would say that. Well would they pretend, oh, I didn't know that I had it. I didn't know I had it, or I just got done with um whatever that drug was out at the time that was helped, that was it worked. It was like a six-month um process and it and it was curing people, but like you can catch that right back, like in in two days with But it did. It it got broke and then like Now how would one person know the other person has hep C? Well, if you if you borrowed his needle and then you got Pepsi, I mean you remember like you fade out, Pete, heroin addict nod out and shit, but you remember that part type of stuff.
SPEAKER_01:You do? Yes. I just figured everybody's using so much and so where everywhere that you don't know where the fuck you got something from.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, I mean, there is cases like that, but like for the sake of this example, let's say there's five around, like, usually everybody has their own little bag with the fucking they pull them out, they got their whatever the how they do it, and then one guy be like, Oh shit, I don't have no more rigs, you know, and then okay, well, um, I got like this, and and some people would just shut their bag and be like, You don't want mine, and that's how it's supposed to be. Then you just know, but a lot of times also, I'm not gonna lie, people wouldn't know, but they are they're sick, so they do it anyways. Oh this is this is how deep it goes that you will knowingly give yourself a virus to get unsick, and that is insanity, insanity, like on it. I don't even know. It's a no word, it's fucking crazy, man.
SPEAKER_01:I I don't know why I never thought about that or processed it, but to actually hear that and to understand that it's true is fucking wild. It's crazy, man. It's crazy, man. And and it is like it's maybe they needed to hear that. Maybe somebody needed to hear that and wake up and be like, what the fuck am I doing?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, like think about think about it, man. Like, you're sick, I know that. Trust me. The the last thing anybody using the whole thing is they're trying to, for one, not be sick, and a lot of times it's just maintaining, you don't get high no more, you just don't want to be sick.
SPEAKER_01:Um, and they will go to desperate people do very desperate things, which is for your for the squares that watch this channel, but I don't think there are any squares that watch this channel.
SPEAKER_00:I don't think so. Not anymore.
SPEAKER_01:It's uh being sick, you're saying withdrawing from the channel.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, okay, yeah. So being sick is count is withdrawing from um heroin, opioids, um Suboxones, the yeah, like even benzols, if it's real bad, like you know, it'll it's bad.
SPEAKER_01:So did you get uh discharge from the military? Yeah. Yep. Did because you pissed hot? I pissed hot. Was it a random drug test or was it like a scale of the test? No, they were they were targeting you? They knew it was up. Oh, they kind of fucking figured. Yeah, they f I was under investigation for Were you doing scandalous behavior? Stealing shit, selling shit?
SPEAKER_00:No, no, no, no. I was just moving with this guy that was big time.
SPEAKER_01:Was he active duty military? He was not. So they had been surveillancing you guys?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, they knew I pissed, I popped hot, and then they, before they even pulled me in, I even knew. They were following me around. All of a sudden, it was weird because I played a lot of poker at the bars there in Colorado Springs. It's just like it's just something you do. You'd fill up the bar with poker tables and you play poker, and it was sweet. But I also all of a sudden, and I knew everybody there, and all of a sudden started seeing this guy like like so like picked him out like a sore thumb. You know, you picked him out like a sore thumb. Oh my god, it was so obvious to me because I you gotta remember, like, I knew what was going on. I knew what I was doing. You know, I was playing two games. I was fucking airman, best airman during the day, and then at nighttime, I was you know doing dirtbag shit. Scheming, yeah. Scheming, um, middleman, like whatever.
SPEAKER_01:And it and I'm and I'm just just hearing you say that I'm sure those two worlds collided.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my god, a big, big, big elision. Like, you know that um volcano that took out um the Romans or whatever Vesus, Vesuvius, that's what I'd compare it to. Those two worlds combining. So you piss hot, they had been freaking surveillance you and then did they charge you with anything? Well, they brought me the the next step was they they they pulled up on me like on this fucking like street where nobody was. There's like in in the springs, there's like little clumps of houses, and then there's like dirt roads and shit, like is how I would describe it. So three of them pulled behind me, the one other one pulled up in front of me like we were in a fucking um bad boys movie, right? And I'm like, oh shit. And then they pulled me out, brought me to some small room. Who were they? Um, the OSS or the like um their military investigators? Yes. Okay, yep. And um brought me in this little room and did their their thing, interrogating thing. You know how that goes, like, you know, yelling at me and you request a lawyer in the military?
SPEAKER_01:Are you allowed a lawyer?
SPEAKER_00:Um, I didn't know anything about that at the time. But what they were trying to do was to get me to set up.
SPEAKER_01:Were you answering questions or were you like invoking your Fifth Amendment right? I wasn't answering shit. You weren't answering shit? I say nothing to them. Were they getting more pissed off?
SPEAKER_00:So pissed. How pissed, bro? Fucking pissed, slapped, punching the walls, spinning their chairs. Mind you, it's like maybe put the wall here and then here. I mean, so they weren't were they intimidating you? Yeah, they were they got as close as they could to me. And I mean, yeah, I was sweating, it was uncomfortable, but like I already know. You had your poker face on. Yeah, yeah. And then I knew what they were gonna say. Which was what? They're trying to they're trying to have me set buddy up. So you knew that that was gonna be the final outcome. Like, and they're trying to tell me, they're trying to say, but not saying it that it's quick pro quo. If I get this guy, then they'll be lenient. And but like I didn't believe a word they were saying. I mean, it was just like, but in my head, I'm thinking, okay, this is it, it's over. I gotta go to Jag or whatever. I gotta go to my first sergeant first.
SPEAKER_01:But from what I'm gathering, is you had zero intention to telling the other dude. Oh no. Nope.
SPEAKER_00:For uh for 30 seconds I might have thought, oh fucking man. I but what but no why? Why? What does loyalty mean to you? It's it comes from the game. It was still stuck in the game that you know what you're doing, you know what you're doing, and you know what the consequences are. So when your jam comes, you don't fucking tell on nobody because you knew all this could have happened. Right. So do not act surprised and shook when it does. Like sometimes you get by and sometimes you get jammed up. Yeah. And when you get jammed up, you better tighten up. Oof.
SPEAKER_01:I like that, man. You know, I like that, dude. But I appreciate that in all aspects of life, man. Loyalty, not just in the criminal aspect. Yeah. But I'm talking about like, hey, be true.
SPEAKER_00:Be true. You have to be. You know, that's what carries us, right? Right. For sure.
SPEAKER_01:So here they are, dude, fucking kicking chairs, punching walls, getting in your face.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, saying all sorts of crazy shit. What happened? Um, eventually, when they were done with their fit, they let me go and they said, Um, I'm like, well, what you what do I what's up? Well, you understand, go? Like, what do you you know? Tell me what the fuck? Don't play these games. That was another thing. They won't tell you shit. They'd come in there and harass you and then say leave. And they'd be like, and I'd be wanting to wild. And they'd be like, we'll be in touch. And I'd be like, when I'm out the door. And I'm like, man, what the fuck? Dude, they pop up on me all over the place and be like, you just change your mind. I said, just run it, dude. I'm it we're going to like to trial. Like, we're gonna have a court martial.
SPEAKER_01:Dude, that is so wild, bro. Because one would assume they would be like, hey, Mr. So-and-so, this is the beginning of your interrogation. Your interrogation has now concluded. Yeah, you are free to go until we contact you. Nah, this was uh off the books for sure.
SPEAKER_00:I felt like, you know, casino when they take them in the back room, like it was a little bit like that, minus the fucking hammers and stuff. Right. But they were just trying to show force, you know, and let them know, let me know. They know, and I already knew, man. Like, at this point, I have to be completely um transparent. Did you go to trial? We had a court martial, it wasn't much of a trial. Um who were you in front of a like a like a general, like a commander? Yeah, it was like a uh commander and then um like two Navy lieutenants or something like that.
SPEAKER_01:And are you dressed in your uniform?
SPEAKER_00:I'm dressed in my blues, they're dressed in their whites. Um, it was a pretty open and shut thing. They they said the deal, and I stood up and took responsibility. What was the deal? Um Your ass getting kicked out of the Air Force? Essentially, they're gonna request a um Yeah, a separation and not we're not gonna file any um distribution charges on it. Because they were saying all this all this shit um in the room that time, and then also they were threatening me with um distribution, which I was like, that's bullshit. Cause what define distribution because I could go grab a couple pills from my buddy and then bring it back home and give one to my friend, and like you're gonna that's gonna be distribution. Cause I wasn't like selling them big time, I was just like grabbing a pack so I could sell enough that I could eat them myself. At this point, I was just and my life was falling apart and shit. So I was just like, fuck it. I just do your thing, do what you're gonna do to me. You know? Um, and the qu like so that's what happened.
SPEAKER_01:Like I I took that separation, my unit from the time you had your court martial, you're in your blues, to the time you separated, what was that time period?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so they had they put me back to work, stripped all my ranks.
SPEAKER_01:That sucks, dude.
SPEAKER_00:I was a staff staff sergeant. I'm walking around bare, bare now. And so to me, that was like showing my whole unit, like, look at him. Of course, he's fucked up, like, shun him, dude. No one would talk to me. It was like the most like oh, I get like worked up talking about it. Because it's like nobody would talk to me, dude. I was like shunned out, like these are people that I helped and like in major ways, and like I was there for them and they're there for me. But like, because of the scenario, like But can you blame them looking back? No, not at all. Because they they were doing what they had to do, no one's gonna be affiliated with a known fuck up, you know what I mean? So it was like, I don't know, man, it was a walk of shame for three weeks.
SPEAKER_01:Now, how the fuck did that feel? Because earlier in the episode, you said you're the type of dude that needs acceptance.
SPEAKER_00:It was it was not good, man. I was it took me to places that were scary, you know. Dark places? Yeah, like just be gone type. 100%, bro. Like, I get it. I did and then like I don't know, but then there was also the side of me where I was like, damn, I just did like fuck, man. My life is the military. Like, I put everything out there for you. And me speaking to like my my commander or whatever. Like, I'm just saying, I didn't I got I got some shit done. Like, I was, you know, I was um I was well um I was well um trying to think here. Like I was on my shit. Like I did good. I was like I was squared away, I was tight. My troops were tight, like I no problems, you know, in this little fuck up, which I take responsibility. It's not nobody's fault but mine. But I did just think one little like not one hand of like, yo, do you want help? Do you like what a rehab? Like, okay, we're gonna kick you up, but like what we can find you a rehab, maybe. It's none of that. It was don't talk to me, fucking make sure that he knows that no one's talking to him, and they give him the fucking cleaning the bathroom and all that shit. So they did that, and then my um bed day or my separation date came and and I was gone. No nothing, no flag, no fucking nothing. They give you a DD 214 form? Yeah. And does it say dishonorable discharge? It no, it says um I can't remember what it says, but it's not dishonorable, it's general. Other than gener other than honorable? General. General discharge. General, yep. Which was a blessing, actually. Yeah, it's pretty gutska. That that's it. And then you know why? Why is that? Because my commander at the time, she was like awesome. You know, commanders can be one of three or four ways. She was amazing and she knew me. She knew like how I how I do. You know, and she must have known something about addiction in her life or something because she coined me. She said, This is the most um unusual coining ceremony I've ever had, because I'm coining you before you're getting kicked out, basically. But she told me that like she saw m more than what I was doing. She's the only one. But then I was like, whispered in my ear, she, you know, and and then that like that was it. Backs returned. That made me feel a little little better, and she put that general, you know, that general they looked out for you, dude. Or she looked out for you. That general, bro, like That's saved me.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, because you'll be eligible for other benefits.
SPEAKER_00:I've yeah. I have I mean, um the you know, and then later on, okay, down the road, we'll skip way till um what when I'm older, the VA steps back and did their thing. They held me down. I went to five of their drug treatments in Milwaukee called the domiciliary. You went to five of them.
SPEAKER_01:What were they, 28-day impatients? 45 days. You went to five 45-day inpatient treatments?
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:Over time. And then would you just relapse from time to time?
SPEAKER_00:I would like come out, like I killed it in, first of all, I killed it inside. You know, once I got, once the um, I got the withdrawals out, like I was like, man, help, I was trying to help everybody. Like, I was uh, I want to say a staple. I don't want to sound too boasty, but like I was that guy, man. Like I know the f I know what's up. So if I can help you with your withdrawal, whatever, this, that, I I grew a family there. And then I would um graduate and then go home and like just like do my best to live right, and it would work for a while, like I don't know, year maybe like a year, year and a half, and then fucking I don't know, and then a relapse, a relapse would occur, and then instead of just seeing it as falling down and getting back up, I just fell and I just stayed down. Because listen, if you fall, it's just a fall if you get up and walk. Right.
SPEAKER_01:But if you fall and stay, yeah, and start rolling around and keeping yourself down there.
SPEAKER_00:You gotta get up. Say, fuck it. I fucked up. Let's press on. But that was hard for me to do. This shit I was using on shame and guilt. It was a it was a it was a carousel, bro. Like 100%, bro.
SPEAKER_01:Man, and it like so badly I wanted to get clean and stay clean, but like I just At what point did heroin get introduced and injecting it into your arm? What was that first time like?
SPEAKER_00:So I I after Colorado Springs, I've basically pawned all my shit and zipped to Minneapolis, the Twin Cities, because my cousins were living out there. I'm real close with my cousins. There's a lot of Somoleans there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of uh um Somoleans, um, which was cool. They I didn't have no problem with them, but like I immediately linked up with some street guys and fucking stay away from it. I couldn't, man. And I to honestly, straight out, this is no joke. Like, I try to stay away, but like it, I don't know. People approach me because it's like, I don't know, I guess a dope man can sense another dope man, right? And that may sound silly, but you'd be surprised how just running into somebody is not an accident, and then you know, I've done it. I ran into people on accident that I was planning to run into because I know what they're about. Okay. Um, and that was a whole new whole new thing. Like heroin? Like meth. Okay. Hold on. Meth. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna tell you how this comes into play. Please. There, there first of all, it's like super meth. It's like got people fucking going crazy. And I needed money. I needed money. So I don't want to do the meth because I see people going crazy. But I did buy it and I served it, and I made a lot of money off it. But like looking back now, I can see how um just destroying people's lives, and specifically meth, you can see the you know, deterioration. And that's something I feel really bad about to this day still. But like that was my hustle. I needed money, and then I got addicted to that money again, that fast life, and rolling around doing moves like like every day, busting moves, like it was non-stop. Um, but then I got it's like I got jammed up. This dude that I told my buddy to meet up with to with to sell like a bunch of work, robbed him, pulled the gun out, shot him in his leg. And then that dude, when he got the hospital, was trying to get a hold of me, and I did go talk to him, but like, because he obviously he thinks I set him up now. When I just was like, I thought I know the dude, I should have. I mean, I have some culpability, right? But you know, I certainly didn't do that on purpose. But in his mind, in my head, I'd be like, man, fuck you. Like, right, it's on. So then a couple other things that happened, and like I just, I'm a runner, man. So so I just dipped. I just dipped. I went back home. I was I was in the cities for a good year, year and a half, and then I zipped home with a bunch of goodie uh up or uh, you know, uh meth um and hit my hometown.
SPEAKER_01:And then of course so you brought some of the meth from Minnesota back to Wisconsin. Yeah. How much enough? A lot? A little? A lot. A lot.
SPEAKER_00:How much is a lot, bro? Like um a bucket, right? So a five-gallon bucket. The one I'll just put it like this Dude, that is a lot. Okay, you know those blue barrels? Um the five-barrel drums? No, the like the big blue, they like sometimes you use them as garbage cans and stuff. The where I was going to had four or five of those on deck all the time. Crystal shards, man. Okay. Um and I I've been with them forever, right? And we set up a thing. I took the five-gallon bucket and risked my life to drive fucking to Wisconsin. But that's what I was doing about.
SPEAKER_01:As you're uh driving old Betsy down the road with fucking shards of meth. Are you having thoughts of uh maybe getting pulled over? Oh, yeah. Or you or you weren't tripping?
SPEAKER_00:Um I was tripping, but I was calm because I was I've had chemicals in me that were making me calm, you know, those benzos and stuff. Right. And some heroin. Um, but I I also was well aware, it's a coin flip. Right. You know, like I know what the what I'm doing, and I know what could happen. So if you're gonna go out there and do some dirt, you better know what could happen, and you better be down for it. You can't go make moves, and then when you get busted, bitch out because you gotta know what the consequences are. If you're gonna be in it, that's what I'm telling you. Well, you gotta be committed.
SPEAKER_01:We're not we're not advising people to commit into that lifestyle, but we're saying, dude, you cannot play. Yeah, that game doesn't play.
SPEAKER_00:No, do not play will ruin your life. And in jail and prison is max, is placed for no one. Right. This gentleman here tells you that all day, you know. So yeah, but I got through.
SPEAKER_01:You got through, man. And now what do you do? You have a bunch of uh a bunch of meth, but what when did you start injecting heroin?
SPEAKER_00:So I went to I knew where I was going, to what house, to my old buddies, and I know that's like a little trap, it's a little trap house like they use in there. And um, I was just fucking down. I was like, and smoking it and sorting it, wasn't doing it no more. So I didn't even really ask my buddy. Well, uh somebody that was there was just like, well, you want to try it? And it was just automatic. I said, well, fuck it, you know. And then as he's doing it, he pushed the plunge, he says, You done graduated now. And I thought I'd never forget that. What he said to me. And like after that, man, forget about it.
SPEAKER_01:It was I was so from what I've seen in the movies or in the television, yeah. They you you you pull up a little and you see blood and then you shoot it back into your arm.
SPEAKER_00:So, and that's it that's interesting you say that too, because that what you just explained, is something that I really got. I mean, you're addicted to the dope, but then I got addicted to the act. You know what I mean? I got addicted to seeing that bloodstream that it's all thick and shit, you know? And like I just you fall in love with it, you know.
SPEAKER_01:You said you had snorted and smoked heroin prior to injecting. Was that injection different high? Oh god, yeah. How so?
SPEAKER_00:Um it flushes you with it's like a warm hug, you know, and then your brain just kind of like no more worries, right? Like my like it's a warm hug, I'm tingling, but in a good way. Um, and then all the stress and shit that I was thinking about, you know, gone. Don't even know like where it went. You I can sit down, I can do anything. I can get up and do shit and walk, like, or I can sit down and nod out and you know have you ever had dilatid issued to you by the met by the medical field? I've had dilatid back early on back in the day when Is that similar to the high of heroin?
SPEAKER_01:Or no? Similar. Because I've been had dilatted like on a surgery or what's close.
SPEAKER_00:That's probably the closest. Okay. Maybe morphine or dilated. Morphine.
SPEAKER_01:It's all it's but it's all along the same.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. It does the same receptors and receptors. Yeah. And um, yeah, and because it's in the blood, you know, it's it's so quick, you know.
SPEAKER_01:So all these heroin addicts that we see, you is it because they become addicted to that warm hug?
SPEAKER_00:I I think that's part of it. It's your new best friend. It's your new best friend.
SPEAKER_01:No, it's your new, it's your new fucking worst nightmare.
SPEAKER_00:Right. But at the time, you're thinking, oh my god, like, fuck, like, this is it, you know. But then on the toke on the back side of it, obviously, you know, like this is gonna ruin my life, this is gonna get me homeless.
SPEAKER_01:It's the devil, bro.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. This is gonna get me homeless. This is gonna um destroy my family and my relationships. This is gonna like tarnish my name. The this, you know, but you know, sometimes people will know this pre- and still go through it. 100%.
SPEAKER_01:The addiction.
SPEAKER_00:It's a fucking crazy.
SPEAKER_01:Did you during this period of time observe people overdose? Yeah. What was that? I've never ever in my freaking life have asked an addict, hey dude, what's it like to be in a room or with an overdose individual?
SPEAKER_00:Um, so I it I too many of them I'd like to say, but like I was one that was always made sure I had Narcan because it was too common that people and this was back before they'd had the null, no, the nasal spray. So it was in a little jar, and then you take another syringe and you pull it out, and then you hit him in the thigh. So um, I probably done that a total of 12, maybe. Damn, dude. Over the over the time. And um, the first one that I ever happened to uh was a good friend of mine, and um he went out right away because we were about to bang the same dope, and I always have someone go first so that we don't go the same time, and then another you know neither one of us can save each other, you know? Because at this time it sounds crazy, but that's what you want. Like, oh, you got the Narcan, like I want that. Like, I want to go out. It's it's crazy. Oh my god, dude. Listen, I'm telling you, if there if there if there's dope in the street that someone OD'd on, that everybody's calling for that killer dope. They want that. Because they'll do a little bit less. Do you understand how crazy that is, dude?
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I do. I didn't even realize I thought people avoided ODs like the plague, or you would want to avoid an OD like the plague.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, yeah, you do, but if you're at a certain point in the valley addiction, that like you don't you don't really care if you flip it. Basically, what you're doing is you're dying, you're flipping that coin of suicide. But OD is dying. Oh, you're dead, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You're dead. You're clinically fucking dead, bro.
SPEAKER_00:Clinically dead. And um people want to hit hit that level. Yeah. I mean, I've had I've even had it where I I narcans someone and they were pissed. Right. They got up wanting to fight me.
SPEAKER_01:Now, in your experience, do you believe it's because they are suicidal?
SPEAKER_00:Um I think yes. I think they're at the point in their life where they don't see any out, and they're so like full of shame, and it's just that chasing game. You chase the dolpe to get rid of the shame and the guilt, and then you do things to get the dope that build your shame and guilt. Right. And it's just, you know, and you think about that, and yeah, it's easy to be like, man, just fuck it, right?
SPEAKER_01:But like now, this person in this cycle, earlier you stated you view it as a sickness to the average viewer out there that always has had that thought. Ah, they need they can stop if they want to. Ah, they're just a piece of shit for doing that. Can you describe the sickness and the disease? Um, the best I can, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Correct. From your experience. Um from my experience, like early on, I I resisted that because I was like, I am the one doing this. You know what I mean? Like, I am the one getting dope, doing it, selling it. Like, but some people can stop. I I've seen some people can stop, and that might be the difference between him and me. Because I cannot stop. I want to stop so badly. Like, there's been times where, like, man, it's crazy. Like, I want to stop so badly, but my addiction will literally take over. And then all of a sudden I'm high. And I'm not saying like I go, I went out like he came in me and whatever, but I get high and I'm like, what the fuck? Like, what why did I just do that? You know, and then I'll sit there and cry because like no, it's real, it's real, dude. Yeah, man. And it's so like you feel so like so weak and like so like hopeless, you know, because like you're telling me I can't, like, I can't stop myself from going again a little fucking brown little stone. That's what's that's what's destroying my life in my relationships. Like, this shit gets hard, man. And then when you're living in the street and shit, too, and sleeping in the park, like, it's a tough life.
SPEAKER_01:So, you know, and that's that's I get it. I get it. I just wanted, you know, the public to hear that.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, it's it's real, and everyone's because even a parent would not understand what you just said. No, no, hell no. They they would find a lot of holes and problems with that statement.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, because they wouldn't understand the mindset of the and then we're not it's not making it's not making excuses, it's identifying a problem.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, yeah, I like that, man.
SPEAKER_01:So where did we leave off, man? You were slamming, oh no, no, you guys were freaking hoping for overdoses. That is wild.
SPEAKER_00:Well, yeah, let's maybe I'm I worded that wrong. No, I hear what you're saying. Yeah, I just we he if we would link up, you're like, okay, you got the can, be like, yes. So, okay, I'm not gonna try and fall out, but if I do, I know I'm gonna become back. So he go, and you know what if someone's you ever see it not work and then they pass away? I've had to do it through to all pass away. Yeah. Yeah, once. And I hit him twice.
SPEAKER_01:Ultimately, you would overdose, which would lead to your recovery. Yes. Can you please walk me through the totality of the circumstances that played out in that event? What year it was, how old you were, and your thought process.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. So let's see. I was living on the north side of Appleton in an apartment with my cousin. Where what city is Appleton? Appleton is like Or is it the city? It is the city. What state? Wisconsin. Wisconsin, yeah. In the Midwest, um, Appleton in Wisconsin. It's like the northeast of Wisconsin. Um, and I was, I believe I was trying to be sober, but I slipped up, and then that turned into me just straight up using. And um there was like good dope around, so we got our hands on that and moved it around. And then um I was up in my room, because I had a room in his apartment one day, and I was getting high all day. That's all I really remember. I know I saw her at one point, um, kind of a blur. But, anyways, I I was in my room just chilling, just like getting high, staying high. And then the next thing I remember is like waking up in the hospital with my arm was the size of uh two softballs, like and I didn't know where it was, what was going on, you know, like at all. And then was that the arm you would shoot up in? Yeah, yes. So I and that was after four weeks in the ICU or so before I woke up. No way, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:No way, bro. You were getting high in your pad, and then you go out and you wake up four weeks later? Pretty much.
SPEAKER_00:And your arm is massive. My arm is massive. My other hand is huge. Um, I couldn't move. Like I could couldn't talk, really. Like nothing. So I'm like, and is this purgatory or what the fuck? So then I um like the nerd, like the nurses and stuff, and the doctor come in and trying to tell me what's going on, and they're like, Well, were you making meth? Or I said, No, why? Because like these pressure wounds, I got these wounds all over my body. From what? From um, I'll show you like this. My chest there, I got like a hole in my chest. But how did those occur? They're they're pressure wounds. So, like when I was when I was out, I was like slumped over like this for a very long time, and just breathing deep. Just enough to stay alive. But in doing so, I was just sitting here slumped over, and and I it was probably a day or maybe make sure you talk in the mic. Oh, yeah, my bed.
SPEAKER_01:But you were slumped over.
SPEAKER_00:I was slumped over um for a day. It it's kind of unknown. It's probably at least unknown. The doctor said it had to be at least a day because of the way that my Who the hell found you? Um, I it's kind of I think my aunt called my cousin to go check in my room because my mom couldn't get a hold of me, and she like that's a red flag, because they know I'm getting high and stuff. And then he opened it up and um they found me, you know. You were in that position, slumped over for a day.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we'll say a day. We'll say a day. Give or take. And and what what was happening, dude? Your brain was not getting oxygen, your limbs were not getting oxygen. Yeah, no, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00:Like I was getting, I don't know how that, like I don't know how you didn't die. I wasn't dead. You know, I think they said that I was dead, and then I like get a couple breaths, and then you know, I d it's crazy. I wish I could, I wish I had could remember it.
SPEAKER_01:I'm just trying to think of what your heart was doing, bro. It was probably so, so like small. Like uh heart rate.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Like if you think I'm barely just hanging on, dude. Barely just hanging on. I mean, like, probably if that phone call wasn't made, you know, we don't even know. It probably fucking stopped a few times. Oh, yeah. Oh, no doubt. I mean, the doctors told a few different doctors told me, you know, a couple different theories that they got and stuff. Most people go brain dead though. Well, that's another blessing for me because I I was close because when I got out of the ICU and stuff, and I What did this look like prior at when it happened? The wounds? Yeah. Oh, but what did it look like? Keep on hitting this thing. It looked like burns. It looked like burns. It looks like open burns. Um and that's a result of your overdose? Yes, that they could is called pressure wounds. Pressure wounds. So if you're like stuck like this for um two days, let's say, this muscle and this muscle is gonna like um friction together and they're gonna cause sores. It's similar to bed sores, okay?
SPEAKER_01:It's hard, it's very like I I see how you got it now.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but then they were open. I mean, they were open.
SPEAKER_01:So you were rubbing yourself raw.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, basically, like this must have been where my hand was.
SPEAKER_01:No fucking way, bro. For all you people utilizing dope, right? That is a reality. Yeah. As fucking raw as it is, dude. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, believe it.
SPEAKER_01:Like everybody this is a shit they don't put in movies.
SPEAKER_00:No, and I'm telling you, this is the thing. This is what the thing. I don't want never anybody to say again that couldn't happen to me, or that won't happen to me because I'm doing this or that. That's both that's who that's foisy shit. Like, don't think like that. Because it it it will. At one point you didn't even want to shoot up. Yeah, you remember? I mean, yeah, and uh yeah, but like it's a crazy thing, man. It takes over like at times. It's just like it's crazy, man. So what ended up holy shit, dude.
SPEAKER_01:What ended up happening to your arm? What did they tell you? What did the doctors tell you?
SPEAKER_00:So I'm like halfway there, like um conscious, and they're telling me potentially about amputating. That's what my surgeon said. Um, but my wife, like, kind of like begs for, I don't say beg, but she she made him think a little more about it because she knew how much I do with my hands, and I talk with my hands and shit, like you know, it would be a big deal. Um, so she fought for that and and I got it, you know. Like she my wife, she's solid, man. She holds me down, it makes me emotional, but um so he so we we kept it. So what he had to do is open it up, take out the dead muscle, close it up, open it up, take out dead muscle, and repeat until um it was done. And then before, so once the muscle was all gone, right? Did you have a would were you tied off? Um, I don't remember, maybe.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I'm I'm wondering why it was your arm was impacted so much.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah, I've I I recon I might have been then with the tur what and it turned into a tourniquet, you know? Absolutely. That hey, that's probably what happened. Yeah. See, and then then you gotta understand, like, I'm some of this is fuzzy because like, you know, I'm in the hospital, um, like different shit they're giving me. There was a some times where I was didn't know what was I was having hallucinations. I swear to God, God came to my room one night, and it was just so bizarre. I don't I don't know if I want to tell it because it's so weird, but like Tell it, bro. I'm gonna tell it. So I was in the room by myself, and I kept on seeing they have like those um those doors with like their fuzzy glass, so all you can see is shadow. I kept on seeing a shadow, okay, coming, walking by with like swords, stop and look at me, and then kept on doing that. And I look over and I could see them coming back. And then I looked over my bed, and there's a fucking white robe and uh samurai sword there. Like, so I'm getting like, holy fuck, am I have to fight this demon? Like, this is going on in my head because like it was real to me, very much real, and um that was me like fighting my demon, you know what I mean? I didn't actually grab the sword and do a kill bill scene, but like that's what that was, man. And I saw him and he and he left. It was just so bizarre, like um I didn't know anything about it until later on my pops told me, he said, that was your your demons fighting, man. That was you and your demons fighting. And it's just powerful, man.
SPEAKER_01:At what point were you released from the hospital or coherent enough or mobile enough to start realizing I'm never gonna use again?
SPEAKER_00:Um, well, I the first time that I tried to move, because I've all I've been laying on the bed now since for a long time. I'm like, I'm ready to go. Like, let's start doing this shit. So I I go to sit up, I go have beep beep beep beep, everything's going off. So I had to slowly, first thing I had to do slowly, and this is over a few days, is to be able to sit up. Okay. So I get there and oh everyone's clapping and shit. So I sit up, and then the next thing, um, it's trying to walk. And um I didn't know what to do. Like I didn't I didn't know what to do. And like my it was crazy. But they tell me, you know, put your hands here, and then you got a gate belt, and they're holding you, and I just like shuffled and then did that over time, and then it became me just walking with the walker, and then I would take my own walks to the end of the hallway, touch the door, and then eventually I learned how to walk again. And then they came in with the cognitive um training, which was hard. That was the when the speech people came in, could um that was the Did you lose your speech?
SPEAKER_01:Um I yeah, like like pronunciations, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Like I couldn't get anything together.
SPEAKER_01:Like I could try and say something, but Bro, the amount of shit you went through, dude, is fucking wild.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and but then this lady severity of the situation is wild. Man, the the speech lady, she was like fucking on it, but she was aggressive. Like she That's good, dude. At the time I was like, get the fuck out of here, you know? Yeah, but now I just I bless her. I think 100%, bro.
SPEAKER_01:Because she knew angels, dude.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my god, yes. So I I got through the speech thing, and now I can talk a little bit better. I still get mixed up now and then, and still to this day, I this is never over. I'm working on these things all the time. But then um, so I stayed another week or so and I got it down, like I I'm ready to go home, right? So um I go home and we didn't put the metal plate in this arm yet. So my hand just flopping around. It looked like this, and it would just flop around. This this hand. What happened to the bone? Was it was it in there? Yeah, but it was just bone. Oh, it didn't have the muscle, didn't have the tenants or nothing to keep it tight. So it was flip flopped back like this. How dude, like like like like like this, but further. It almost made it 90 degree. Okay. Um, and I and what were you doing?
SPEAKER_01:Were you looking at it like the fuck is this?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and now I and I can't feel like nothing from the elbow down, I have no feeling. Can you move your fingers? Not at all. I can shake them, but I can't from my brain.
SPEAKER_01:So your nerve got affected. Yes, your muscles died. Died. And then they instead of anticipation. What can you feel? How high how far?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I'll tell you. Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel. Don't feel, feel.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so but but but somehow, somehow your hand is receiving receiving blood circulation.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, very little.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Um, very little.
SPEAKER_01:Damn, your wife made sure you're wearing that wedding ring, huh? I always crack jokes on this episode, bro. But you're gonna put this shit off the phone. She's my queen, bro. I know that's awesome, bro.
SPEAKER_00:I think every every man needs a great woman in their life. Dude. So then you go back to the pad or you go to a home. Okay, so I would go to my folks' house, and um, there's gonna be a nurse coming like once a day at first, and then twice a twice a week and then like so and I and so mind you my my wounds are all were all still wide open so they had to do um um bandage dressing yeah all sorts of dressing changes and that was awful man because like they weren't giving me no opiates obviously like they were not giving you opiates obviously so what the hell were they giving you ibuprofen yeah Tylenol ibuprofen what was your pain level like dude it was fucking high it was high on my wounds but I was also just like so grateful to be alive at that point were you yeah because there was one night in the hospital one night in the hospital I was having a bad night I just was mad that I even woke up why couldn't I just stay there and be dead and it was it was a low night man I was in the valley and um I stayed there for to like four or five in the morning and I decided to fuck that like I can listen I can choose to be miserable right now or I can choose to fucking nut up and handle my business and just go on with life and make and figure it out and that's what I've done since so it could have gone two ways but there's no way I'm gonna be living miserable because some shit like this I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna get my shit right and I'm gonna do this and try and use it for to a positivity or to try and help somebody you know what I mean do you know what me and you both have in common a lot I think a lot but more so is we both almost died and we cursed the fact that we had survived that injury salute for sure dude now we see our purpose yeah yeah yeah so for the next like three two first two years of well then they got my years years so this recovery process took years oh yeah so when I got home from the hospital the next thing was to put this metal plate in so that my hand would stop flopping around okay you know and I I lived like almost a year with the floppy hand and then a frickin' year yeah just about because he had because you gotta remember I had so many surgeries okay we needed I needed a break and this needed to heal um so then he finally went in there put a metal plate just put plate here connected to my arm and then a little bit down the road there he opened me up here on this arm and took a tendon and wrapped it up around here so I could have my fingers. That's cool. Yeah then I got about 70% use of my hand probably but that's it first it wasn't moving at all. It was close that I was gonna have no use working hands. I mean the pe the nurses and the therapists were angels like you said. I mean I was so blessed like this whole story is a miracle dude it's a miracle it's a miracle and that's also why I feel like we gotta share it because it does miracles happen man and to the people that do what like I for a while I see it differently now but like why why me like I do did I do I deserve this chosen bro yeah yeah you were chosen dude man that's heavy bro so you have been clean ever since or do you where you live um active and giving back yeah yep I mean meeting I go to meetings um I'm just kind of now it now finding in the spot where I'm feeling comfortable to do something like this you have no idea how many people you're gonna help bro think I've been I've been grinding for three years so I understand man I that touches me there's millions of people that watch dude yeah that touches me big time and it's it that's all really the goal is it's go ahead showing people I just will say real quick when I was in a state of in the deepest darkest valley going to a meeting to me was like looking up at someone that had six months clean I was like there's no way that that is attainable. I'm just gonna live this life I just gotta live I just gotta figure out how to do it better. You know of course my plans all about doing it better to be a better dope fiend like of course we know how we know what happened that didn't work. Right Ross's way didn't work yeah yeah I could make a whole album and that would be the the track list of all of them Ross's way one yeah how about you do something Ross's way yeah man but but you know God is great 100% you know and I've been in the belly of God at these uh treatments in the dorm and it was only veterans you know it was a special thing and um even in there man we we made some change in there but it's just tough because then you go into the real world and you them guys are we're going right back to where we were in the hood living and trying to stay clean. It's just so hard man two part question first question is what would you tell the person that's the camera right there still struggling in their addiction okay I would say don't give up trying to get help there's hope and like if you're worried about being judged man fuck that judgment doesn't matter you can do it dude it's not gonna be easy ain't nothing worth having is get is easy man so I know you want to get off that dope so so do it. First thing is take a step call someone like tell somebody you know what I mean like reach out you know get it started a lot of times a lot of times with things the hardest part is getting started okay so the first step whether it be small matter of fact it should be small just take it and then do what you say you're gonna do okay don't talk yourself out of it because you want a cop uh you gotta be strong you know you just gotta and and what hey once the withdrawals pass you're on it just keep going and when you withdraw remember that how bad it is and how you never want to feel that again make sure you withdraw the last time that's it man you just gotta do it I I don't have any magic words at all but I'm just saying like if you want it do it because people are here to help you and I never thought like when I was in the depths like I said shit forget about it man I seen guest speakers and there's no way but there's no way and now to be in the position I am now you know I'm very blessed but it's all about helping you guys and anybody that wants it you know so I got love and respect for anybody listening and wants help. And if you're trying to do it and you keep on falling and failing just keep going. If you fall and you get up it's a trip. If you fall and you stay down you know what's up that's what time it is.
SPEAKER_01:That was perfectly put dude now what would you say to the family members of an addict an employer or medical health professional that's a tougher one.
SPEAKER_00:I mean what would you want them to hear from your perspective your experience I would want them I mean do you want them to think oh this guy's just making excuses this guy doesn't have the willpower to stop on their own yeah like I would trying to from me to them telling them yeah I would say um I mean if somebody has their loved ones that are using and they're looking at them like fuck dude it's really hard to understand if you haven't been through it and I'm not trying to be a cop out and just be like it's my addiction but like I'm trying I want from you I need support not um hate you know and like and love because we're all using because of something that we were lacking or didn't get or we think we needed like love or equality or attention or whatever. You know what I mean? Like from past trauma you know like there's healthy ways to get through trauma but it's work. But using is not the answer you know but that's why I I kind of got off tip there but like to my to family you know like just don't give up on me. I I'm gonna I'm gonna do it it might take me a few times you don't have to be there you you don't have to be there just please don't bring me down because it might because you're hurting already and I know you're mad from probably something I fucking did stole your change or something like try and I'm trying to feed the beast try yeah try and stay past that and understand that that's my addiction you know I definitely appreciate you coming all the way out here bro um I owe you lunch for sure man dude I didn't realize like the the immense story that this was going to hit bro man um I can't thank you enough to man and like I said I was looking forward to meeting you for sure for sure just because I see what you're doing man and that it's like man it just lifts me up because I've been around people all my life and we've been doing bullshit and negativity and I feel like now the ones that um made it out you know like we gotta do something better change something you know let the youngsters see a different way you know the best we can and we have social media at our disposal so that's plus bro instant information instant and that goes both ways you know man it's yeah I'm I'm really glad that we came out man I'm glad this happened I feel good about it um man I think we can do facts bro we're definitely gonna help once again man thank you dude absolutely well there you guys have it folks another banger for you guys man we're always trying to help people here on this channel if you like what you saw make sure you hit the subscribe button love you keep pushing forward and actor legendary great living life long never been taken from the hood to the pen proof the tail pen act the bottom one end story never ends
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