Lez Say More Podcast
Welcome to Lez Say More: the podcast where your favorite duo of best friends—together for over 20 years—gets real about the queer community. Join us every Wednesday as we dive into everything from health and wellness, to fashion, relationships, sex - and even the occasional celebrity gossip. With our trademark humor and brutal honesty, we’re here to share stories, laughs, and insights about the (queer) modern life and all the fabulousness it has to offer. Whether you're part of the community or just curious, grab your favorite drink and join the conversation—because we promise to keep it funny, relatable, and absolutely unfiltered!
Lez Say More Podcast
The Stepmom Struggle: Parenting, Discipline, and Love in a Same-Sex Family
Ava shares her enlightening journey from girlfriend to stepmom while discussing the complexities of parenting a stepchild. The episode highlights the challenges of building bonds, handling discipline, and navigating conversations unique to stepparenting, as well as reflections on love and acceptance in family dynamics and parenting in a same sex relationship.
• Transitioning to parenting involves significant emotional adjustments
• Developing a bond with a stepchild takes time and trust
• Navigating difficult conversations is a crucial skill
• Discipline dynamics often place stepparents in difficult roles
• Acceptance of diverse parenting experiences is vital for growth
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So how did you transition from being a girlfriend to being a parent? Because, I mean, it's not like you had a kid. You literally went from crazy, single, outrageous ava to being a mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean parenting, no matter if you're a step-parent or like the actual parent. It's hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not always a rewarding thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have them for 18 years and then you gotta let them go. That's sad and I'm like I wouldn't be able to let them go. No, it's sad, I would be like fucking Gypsy Rose's mother. Welcome back to the let's Say More podcast. I am Solange, I am Ava, and today we have a little special episode. We're going to be talking about parenting, being a step-parent, as Ava is a mauve I am, it's tattooed in her handwriting actually. Oh, that's so cute.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I love that, so we're going to talk a little bit about that. I got a set of questions that, um, I wrote down so we can get all the all the juicy juice about being a step parent, and I guess it's going to lead into the other topics that we're going to talk about later this year, about ivf and parenting and all of that in the community, as a lot of people want to have children. So let's get started All right. I'm going to ask you.
Speaker 2:I'm in the hot seat.
Speaker 1:You're in the hot seat today All right. I mean I'm sure I'll get questions.
Speaker 2:You're going to get questions too.
Speaker 1:I'm not a. I'm a parent of a four legged child, yeah, but we'll get to that.
Speaker 2:Talk to me a little bit about Melly so we know who we're talking about. Yeah, so Melly is my 13 year old stepdaughter, right, but I call her my kid. I've known Mel since she was three years old. I met her like right after she turned three, little little girl that was into Frozen and singing all the Frozen songs and she was always very like artsy and she was never an iPad kid, so that got her creative brain to go. So every time we went out to eat she didn't have an iPad or a phone, so she was always coloring, which I think has helped her develop into this very creative young teenager that she is. I love that, full of spunk, and she's got the attitude, the typical teenage attitude. Yeah, she has it. She's into the baggy clothes right now. The Urban Outfitters vibe. Yes, baggy like everything is baggy Like 90s, yes, like 90s. I love it. But no, she's an only child and I hope one day, soon this year, we can give her a sibling.
Speaker 2:Oh is that the goal. That's the goal. That's why the IVF conversation is something I'm like really invested in, because I want to learn everything about it. That's cool yeah.
Speaker 1:How long were you dating Fernanda before you met Mel I?
Speaker 2:think I met her not too long after we were dating. We went to the mall and I wasn't introduced as like Fernanda's girlfriend or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And Mel and I just like kicked it off. She was like chasing me or she was having me chase her around one of the stores and we have a Polaroid picture of us, our very first one as the three of us. And it's the three of us from the mall and since then, like we always take not Polaroid, sorry the photo booths.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So since then, like we always make it a thing to make sure we take those, that's so cute. Yeah, so not that long, and to make sure we take those that's so cute, yeah, so not that long. And then I met her and we, just we literally just hit it off.
Speaker 1:Did she ever ask, like, who you were or what? Like any of that? Like any of those questions?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and Fernanda would just tell like I'm her friend. So I was her friend for a while until she was old enough for Fernanda to explain to her this is my girlfriend. And then, because I think at such a young age she was introduced to it, there weren't any problems with it on her end. You know so. And Mel and I just got along so well and we just become close from the beginning. Yeah, that like there's just this bond. So I feel like for Mel, because of the bond, it was easy to accept me. I feel like if we didn't have that bond, she may have not accepted me, yeah, and been more like no, this is my mom. I'm not sharing my mom with anyone.
Speaker 1:And kind of like you're just like that typical step parent, right Like that whole, like you don't really like your step parent and you know you're just stealing my mom away, or my dad away.
Speaker 2:And I think Fernanda has done a really good job in not letting Mel feel that way. I know in the beginning, when we first dated, fernanda had the guilt of like I'm leaving her home a lot, yeah, and there was a time where, like her friends were even telling her, so we did pull back on going out so how did you transition from being a girlfriend to being a parent?
Speaker 1:because, I mean, it's not like you had a kid.
Speaker 2:You literally went from crazy, single, outrageous ava to being a mob yeah, um, I mean, I think I have really a lot of nurturing sides to me, so that part was easy, but giving up a lot of my own freedom for a child that isn't yours, it was a big sacrifice. And Fernanda just put me in positions where I had to be a parent Because Fernanda works so she works at the mall, I think at the time. And she was like well, can you go pick Melanie up, or can you drop Melanie off here, or can you watch Mel for me while I'm working? And so I developed this like different sort of care for Mel and I felt like she was my responsibility. But for a long time people didn't see me as like a parent figure to her.
Speaker 2:So it was hard to like feel like I was some sort parent Cause I didn't know if it was right or wrong to feel that way and um, but Mel made it easy because she depended on me for a lot of things and she, she, we were just really close and I wish there was like videos of us when we were back in the day, when she was younger Cause, like it was cute it was. It was our bonds always been really cute and she's still cute. She's very protective over me. Yeah, oh yes, this. This is true. You know, like it does. It doesn't matter who you are in her life. If you disrespect me, she's, she's not okay with it yeah, yeah, she's very protective.
Speaker 1:I've been witness to this. Yeah, yeah, she is. I love that about her though yeah, she stands her. She stands her ground and and is is protective of the people she loves.
Speaker 2:She's a Leo. She's a very true Leo, my mom's a Leo, oh we love Mama June.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we do so. Tell me, was there an awkward moment that you might have had with her where you had to get super involved and you felt like, oh my God, I have to step up and be a parent, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Speaker 2:There's been a few. When she was nine, she became a woman. Oh my God, so young. I was home by myself, wow, and I did not know what to do, because these are conversations like the birds and the bees or like drug use, those hard conversations I've told Fernanda. Those are like that's her, like you do that, because essentially that's Fernanda's child, right? So Fernanda has a way that she wants to raise her kid, right? I don't want to get in the way of talking to her about things maybe I shouldn't be talking about yet, right?
Speaker 2:So then, when that happened, it happened out of the blue and Fern was at work and I was like I literally was freaking out inside. Also, she was only nine. She was only nine, that is so young. She went through like a breakdown and she was like why is this happening? So I had to literally say, oh God, I freaking forgot. Oh God, I freaking forgot. Something like God is telling you like you're a woman now and he's giving you like superpowers and you're going to be able to like feel different things, like your instincts are going to be bigger. And I try to give her like a pep talk on like you know, this is your calling as a girl, you know.
Speaker 2:You're going into womanhood. She did not care. She was boo-hoo crying, yeah, boo-hoo crying. And I'm like, oh my God, and up until this point, like I think I only would give Mel a bath when she was like really young. And then, as she got older, I told Fernanda like I'm not comfortable, like I till this day, I don't walk into Mel's room if she's changing. If I have to give her something when she's in the bathroom, I I turn my head. I just don't think it's appropriate for me. Well, you're giving her privacy. Yeah, I'm giving her privacy. Um, so that was like a big deal for me and I'm like, oh my god, and I had to go figure it out and yeah, for Fernanda to come home what a pad is and how you use it and how you put it on your underwear and then like what how to dispose of it, how to keep it clean and how like her hygiene and what she needs to do.
Speaker 2:But she was very upset that this was happening, because it made her feel like she's not a kid anymore.
Speaker 1:Well, that's exactly what it means yeah and then it, but at nine years old, at nine's like that's not fair to her.
Speaker 2:No, because you are still a kid, I know, and I feel so bad because when it's happening she gets the worst type of cramps. And I feel so bad for someone so little to experience that, and so that was probably the oh shit moment, like I have to take this on, and then Fernanda comes home and then obviously takes it from there. But that was my oh shit. I'm a real mom, I'm a real boy, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think I'm just thrown off by the fact that she was nine. Like that to me is just to have that conversation with a nine yearyear-old when you should be having it with 12 or above. Yeah, you know like, yeah, that's, and she was so little. That's crazy, she's so little. Oh my God, yeah. So as a stepmom, how do you handle discipline?
Speaker 2:Oh I am. I think I could be the good cop and the bad cop, but I think I'm the bad cop most of the time because Fernanda's a fun parent, fernanda's very fun. I'm very like oh wait, you didn't do this. No, like, give me your tablet, go do your chores now. I mean, keep in mind she only has two chores.
Speaker 1:But that's funny because I would think you're the fun parent.
Speaker 2:No, not, not as she got older, because I'm trying to build this foundation of responsibility for her, because it starts when you're young, right, and then I'm and, but the thing is is I could be the bad cop, but she adores me and she knows like after I'm done being the bad cop, I go in her room and we have a conversation, and we have conversations all the time.
Speaker 2:And I think that's what strengthened our bond, because I don't ever say, well because I told you to, I'm not telling you this because I'm not telling you to do it because I told you to. No, I always explain. This is why I'm telling you to do it, and I think that that is important, because a kid will be like, well, you're just telling me to do it because you want me to, but why am I doing this? Like we took geometry because they told us to and now we're all like why did we take it?
Speaker 2:And then I'm like what? I'm not a scientist.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to work at NASA. What the hell do I need to know all this stuff for Exactly?
Speaker 2:So I just think that if we explain the why to the kids, then they understand it and it helps with their development as they get older, but I am the bad cop. I will admit that.
Speaker 1:Have you ever done anything in a disciplinary manner that backfired on you?
Speaker 2:Yes, she would slip up once in a while and say bad words, and I would, because Fernanda was like I'm not doing this to her, I would put hot sauce in her mouth. But ask me if she said the bad word again. So then one time. So then I would put hot sauce in her mouth and then she would cry right, and then she'd spit it out and whatnot. And then one time I don't remember what the bad word was she said a bad word and I was like I'm putting hot sauce in your mouth. She didn't flinch, she just stood there because she liked.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and now she loves hot sauce. Yes.
Speaker 2:All the foods have to have hot sauce, so it backfired on me.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, that is terrible.
Speaker 2:Now it's like there's nothing I could do now. I mean not that she says bad words, but like, but maybe that's why she doesn't say a bad word. Right, she's a very respectful kid when she speaks. But yeah, that backfired on me, oh my God. So be careful when you give your kid hot sauce. They're going to you know, they're going to go on that show Hot ones. Have you seen that on YouTube? Oh yeah, the wings, the wings.
Speaker 1:She's going to be on that one time with like a ghost pepper one. Yeah, yeah, that's going to be. She's going to be like. When I was young, my mom thought she was so funny. Jokes on her say shit. Well, guess what? Mom Shit, she's going to eat it. She's going to take a big old bite of that wing. Yeah, for sure, jesus. What's something that made you realize like, yep, I love this kid, this is my kid.
Speaker 2:We were in the car I think I was going to drop her off home because I was watching her and the Sam Smith song Stay came on. Right, that's Stay yeah. And she started crying.
Speaker 1:And I was like why are you crying?
Speaker 2:Because this, no, she used to say, because this song reminds me of you and I don't want you to go. And she starts crying and I was like, oh my God, and it touched my heart and I have a voice note from her too that she's with Fernanda and I guess she was missing me on a random night and she's like I miss my mom and I was like, oh okay, we're stuck. And then we used to say we're stuck like glue, and we used to have like this we're stuck like glue right.
Speaker 2:We used to do that. So yeah, I just knew, like that's when I knew how much she loved me.
Speaker 1:She has characteristics that she's developed that are very much you. Yeah, the way she speaks, like I notice things that I'm just like okay, that's not genetic, that is learned behavior, because she got that from Ava.
Speaker 2:The way she speaks, the way she is factual, the way she will ask you for a fact to back up what you're saying to her. Like okay, when did that happen? Like, when did I? So that's backfiring on you too, but at least I always know when I'm like I'm prepared for this argument. You have to come with your notebook, pen and paper ready to fight, but the way she also like, put sentences together. I hear myself in a lot of those and I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 1:What does she want to do when she grows up?
Speaker 2:Well, she says she's working for Priscilla at the Churro truck when she's 15. Yeah, she's 15. Then she's working at In-N-Out.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:That's a good job. Then at one point she said lawyer. But now she's saying she wants to do something in the music industry.
Speaker 1:I was going to say I could see her being a little lawyer.
Speaker 2:I could see her being a lawyer, but with the music industry she doesn't want to be tied to a label, so she wants to go independent. So I don't really I'm not going to push. Maybe she could be a music lawyer. Yeah, see, maybe I need to go that route and try to get her to go there. At least she won't be representing Diddy.
Speaker 1:I certainly hope not.
Speaker 2:She'll be going after those motherfuckers. Have you noticed? I haven. I certainly hope not. Nope, she'll be going after those motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah, have you noticed? I haven't been cussing After you just said motherfuckers. Mothersuckers.
Speaker 1:Oh motherfuckers.
Speaker 2:Play the tape back.
Speaker 1:Mothersuckers. Okay, all right, we'll see how long this lasts. It's going to last, we'll see how long this resolution lasts, it's going to last, by March she's going to be throwing.
Speaker 2:F-bombs. We should do an over-under on how long it's going to go. You should do a poll.
Speaker 1:How long?
Speaker 2:is it going to go? I'm not part of this resolution. I cuss all the time and I don't mind cussing.
Speaker 1:So if you can give your pre-self stepmom any advice would it be?
Speaker 2:what would it have been? Trust her judgment more? Oh yeah, trust. Trust that you're doing a good job and just like, let go and like, let her show you that she did something wrong, rather than like anticipating something wrong happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you're still learning that I am still learning that Because you have this fear of like you don't want them to make a mistake. And then I have a fear of like I don't want her to get hurt, even though I know that's part of life. But she's so sensitive that it would break my heart if she came home crying over something Like not just necessarily like a boyfriend, like even a friend, if a friend was being mean to her like. Mel is one of the most kindhearted people I've ever met and I just don't want anything to jade her in life because I want her to stay kindhearted and this world can be so cruel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a good piece of advice to give yourself. What would you give? What piece of advice would you give somebody who just started dating somebody who has a kid?
Speaker 2:Don't rush to be their parent, let it come naturally. And that's one thing that I did. I didn't rush into it, I let it just flow. Like don't get caught up in, like you have to be the father figure, the mother figure, like just chill and just have fun with it. And they do grow up so fast. Like I kind of regret not holding on to certain moments with Mel, because I'm never getting those back. And she, you know, like when she was younger she always wanted to cuddle.
Speaker 2:Now it's like ugh, like don't come near me, you know, but it's normal, but it's a teenager.
Speaker 1:It's normal. We were all like that, yeah, and I will say, being a kid who was a teenager both of us once at some point we were the same way. But then you kind of come back full circle Once you hit your 20, 20s, you're kind of like mom and you want to cuddle and like you want that love and affection from your parent.
Speaker 1:And then you're kind of like oh, I was like such a snotty little asshole when I was younger. Like now, all I want to do is be like with my mom or my dad or whatever whoever your parent is yeah now.
Speaker 2:the only time she she reaches for me is when she's sick.
Speaker 1:Then she's like don't, I want my off, or when her mom's being mean to her right?
Speaker 2:No, she comes for defense. She's very prideful. Very like if she's in trouble, she's like, alright, I'm gonna take it Do you guys parent as a united front?
Speaker 2:Not as often as I would like to. I think fernanda, because it is fernanda's child, fernanda's a very um, melanie is fernanda's, everything right. And I think that fernanda, um, even if mel broke this glass on purpose, yeah, and I was like, why did you do that? Mel would be like Fernanda would be like well, like, fell out of her hand, she would defend, her, defend, but like, with so much Now that Melanie's getting older, she doesn't do it as often. But it is hard for Fernanda to allow Melanie to get in trouble. So I've learned that a lot of the times. If she, if Fernanda's disciplining Mel, I just need to be quiet and be in the other room and then I need to just tell Fernanda to allow me to discipline Melanie and she's been doing better. But but you know for Fernanda it is a learning curve for her Cause, like she was her only parent at one point in her life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you came into the picture when she was so little. I know, I think it's different for different people when they have a step-parent that steps into the picture and it very much depends on the age. Yeah, you know, like when you're really little, I think you kind of see this parent as your parent. I mean, you're three, like how much of a memory do you have prior to that? No, I know.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I just think Fernanda has maybe a hard time of letting go of control when it comes to Mel, because for Fernanda that's like the most permanent thing in her life.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so it's like I don't know if she fully wants to be like okay, ava, like you know, it's all yours, which I'm not asking for. But I do think that at times I wish at times we could come to the understanding of like just let me drive, you know. Like build that trust, or like just let me drive on both ends, I'm sure you know. But other than that, I mean I think we've done a good job with Mel because of how I've seen her behavior with other people, how I see her behavior with other children, how she's a very caring child.
Speaker 1:Do you think that there's a difference, though, in being a step parent of a same sex relationship than a step parent of a heterosexual relationship?
Speaker 2:I don't know because I've never been one in a heterosexual, but I feel like it is hard because you also don't want like if Melanie decides she likes girls, right, the stigma is going to come that Ava and Fernanda, she likes girls because of Avaernanda oh right, so stupid. So you kind of want to always encourage her to don't do this because we did this right, like. Whatever you feel in your heart.
Speaker 1:However, you whatever whoever you love, do it. Whatever you love. That is your pr. Whoever you love, do it. Whatever you love. That is your prerogative. Do it, you're entitled. If anything, you should feel more free and more open to be yourself, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I know, when she was younger, when Fernanda and I like maybe not Fernanda, maybe more so me when we would be out, like I did feel weird holding Fernanda's hand because I didn't want people to think that like we were grooming Melanie and that was something that that was always. A thing for me is I didn't want people to think that, I didn't want people to think that we are inappropriate in front of Mel. That was a huge thing when Mel was younger, oh wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, see, for me it doesn't that that stuff doesn't even come up in my mind Like to me. I look at it as we are a loving couple, we have a lovely, loving child and we're going to show that child what love looks like. Yeah, as you would straight a straight couple or any other couple, like if you have parents who show each other affection, who show each other love, who show each other respect and, you know, create that, that Love that makes you want to be like oh my God, I want to grow up to have that. Yeah, it doesn't matter what sex they are. It doesn't matter whether they're two women or two men, or a man and a woman or whatever you know.
Speaker 1:No, I mean, that's what I, yeah, that's what I think, 100%, because I don't think that it matters. They're going to grow up the same way. I was raised to be straight in a lot of ways, right, because I came from a heterosexual family. My mom never, on the contrary, from a heterosexual family. My mom never, on the contrary, she did not want me to be gay. I came out to be who I am and I am as gay as they come and there's nothing that could have persuaded me to be otherwise. You know, seeing my mom with a man didn't persuade me to want to be with a man.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. So I feel like it's the same way the other way around. Because you're seeing your mom with another woman doesn't mean that she's going to be like I have to go be with another woman. It just means that this is the kind of love that they have, which is different, but it doesn't mean that it's good or bad or it doesn't mean any of that. Different, but it doesn't mean that it's good or bad or it doesn't mean any of that.
Speaker 2:You know, I just didn't want Mel to ever get into situations at school and people say you have two moms, and they did. And I asked her before, like what would you do if someone wasn't going to be your friend because of that? And she'd be like I don't need them? Yeah, you know. So that's when I knew okay, she's going to be all right Right Cause at first that's when I knew okay, she's gonna be all right right because at first that that's what you're worried about. Yeah, but then you ask questions and you see how they respond and Mel's very like, if you don't like that, I have two moms.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know what to tell you yeah, because there's this and that's the beauty of like today's generation, these little kids that are growing up in these like multi, you know, facet homes of different kinds of parents and co-parents, and even these like blended families, straight or not straight, you know it's that they are very much aware and they don't care. You know, for the most part Some do and it depends on the situation, but they're very much like, especially when they're into it, very young. They know, you know, like this is my family. They love me all the same and I love them and whether you like it or not, that's on you and you know.
Speaker 1:The funny thing is I was watching this show on Netflix. I forgot the name. I think it's something like you Shouldn shouldn't say that or something like that, and it's about all sorts of different topics. So it's blind people, sex workers, you know, little people and all the things that are like politically incorrect to say to them and all the things that are offensive. Or you know transgender people, and one of them was children of same sex relationships and from like really older people who have, you know, who have gay parents, to like young people who were actually children of in vitro, like IVF, and they all kind of said they were all very pretty much, very much on the same page on their interpretation of the way they were raised and they were all very open with, like you know, one of them was actually a foster child and she came into the relationship of the two dads a little bit older and she's like they're my dads and I don't see them any different than I. Would you know other parents Like he one parent helped me when I got my period and that's the parent I told, because I knew that if I told my other dad he would have freaked out and he wouldn't know what to do.
Speaker 1:So I told you know this dad. And then the other one was, you know, very much like this little boy who was a child of you know insemination I was conceived through IVF, you know, and I have two moms and they asked him, like have you ever been teased or whatever? Like do people say anything to you when you are in school or anything like that? And he's like, yeah, sometimes kids will say something, but I don't care. Yeah, like it doesn't bother me, I have love at home and I know that that's all that matters. Yeah, this kid is like 10 maybe.
Speaker 2:I was like wow, like 10 maybe I was like, wow, okay, yeah, you know that's cool, it is cool, it's cool and it's it makes you feel good about the decisions you make. I still don't really like kiss Fernanda, all crazy in front of Mel, but I would. I wouldn't do that if I was in a straight relationship either, because I do think that kids are impressionable and I think that when the time is right and she sees it on Gilmore Girls or in high school, when she sees her friends kissing boys, that's how, for me, I'd rather her learn it that way than to be like oh, my mom and mom do it. Like I want to see what that feels like. I don't know.
Speaker 2:I just I don't want her to so you are trying to keep her as sheltered and as as as baby as you possibly can, for as long as you can.
Speaker 1:Until she goes to high school, and then I know it's over, yeah.
Speaker 2:See my it's over.
Speaker 1:I was not raised like that.
Speaker 2:It's over, like she's going to high school in September, yeah, so I only have a little bit of time and then it's like-.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you also have to prepare her so that it doesn't come as a shock. So you want me to do like a makeout?
Speaker 2:session in front of her.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not talking about you making out in front of her, but I'm saying, like you got to prepare her for things that she's oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm trying, I do my part in preparing her with bullies. And if someone says these, these things to you, this is how you react. Fernanda's gonna prepare her in like the other things. Yeah, right, like, because that's like for.
Speaker 2:So you guys have your separate rules as to like what topics you you, you tackle, yeah, and like with fernanda too, I think that if mal was like that, you know, they called me, they said I have a big forehead right, and then it would be like we just punch them in the throat. Well, this is why I put you in jujitsu.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, no, we don't resolve things with violence.
Speaker 2:No, you just tell them. You just look at yourself in the mirror and you don't have a big forehead, and you laugh it off and you keep moving.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, and so you know. All jokes aside, I don't know if that's what Fernanda would tell her, I know. Fernanda has her in jujitsu because she's like I want her to defend herself and I'm, on the other hand, like I don't. Nothing's going to happen to her. She's going to be loved by everyone and she's fine.
Speaker 2:Nothing's going to happen to her because I'm going to keep her locked away in the tower forever. I can't. I just told her if someone punks you, you, you call me, me, like they're going to call me. I'm coming to the school and having a conversation with the parent Like why is your kid such?
Speaker 1:a douchebag, yeah, my mom. See, my mom was like man. My mom probably parented in all the wrong ways sometimes, but I thought it actually kept me from doing anything. So my mom would tell me, like if you're being bullied at school, yeah yeah, you go and you beat the living shit out of that kid. But if you can't beat the crap out of that kid and I get a call because you got caught or because that kid beat you up, then you are in a lot of trouble. She goes. So be wise with how you decide to handle a situation. And I would always be like, okay. And then I remember one time I was getting bullied by this girl who thought I was hitting on her girlfriend and her girlfriend was writing me love letters.
Speaker 2:Oh, you are the. You were the one being uh persuaded I was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, her name was tulips, the girlfriend who wanted to kick my butt. Oh, my?
Speaker 2:was that her actual name? Two lips was that her actual? They get it, they get it.
Speaker 1:That was her well I'm just saying because I I could. I thought it. Maybe it sounded like two lips, like the flower.
Speaker 2:No, I think they all got it.
Speaker 1:What you meant she actually still goes by two lips. I want to see her, and she is a d DJ.
Speaker 2:Is it DJ Tulips? I think on a radio.
Speaker 1:Yeah, on a radio station.
Speaker 2:DJ Tulips yeah On the ones and twos On the ones and twos Ew.
Speaker 1:So gross. But yeah, she actually came up to me one time in high school. I think I was like a junior at this point, a junior or sophomore, and she started talking all this shit to me and I didn't know what she was talking about and she was like, yeah, and da da, da, da da and and I don't even remember the girl's name, and what'd you do?
Speaker 1:and I just I was sitting there. I was shocked because at first I'm like what is happening? And I remember I was sitting there with friends and they all stood up and I was not a fighter.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know, oh, I know you're, I was not a fighter Like I was, just like.
Speaker 1:no, no, I'm not trying to get into a fight Did you have?
Speaker 1:your glasses on? No, I did not, and I'm just sitting there listening to her. And then she got in my face and when she got in my face, at that point I stood up. I was, I was much, was much taller than her. So I don't think she anticipated me being bigger than her. I mean she was big, but like big the opposite way, and so I mean she was, like, you know, bigger. That way, we get it, they get it, they get it. So I was scared of her and she was scared of me, because I was taller. And I got up and I just got.
Speaker 1:I remember I got down from the I was sitting on like a tree thing and I got down and I looked at her and I'm like I have no idea what you're talking about.
Speaker 1:I don't want your girlfriend, I don't even know who you are, and like I don't want beef, like I'm not trying to fight, you know. And and she, I think, got so thrown off guard that I was being just very passive about it because she looked like she wanted to tear me apart and at that point she got all flustered or whatever, and then, and then it's almost like one of those things where you, you like you have a friend there and you're kind of like hold me back, kind of thing. The friend was trying to hold her back and I just started laughing. I just started laughing because I was like this is ridiculous, and that was that and and and. Ever since then she would give me the dirtiest looks, she would mad dog me every time she would just. And I was just like whatever, I don't want your girl, I don't care. And then they broke up.
Speaker 2:Two lips and her broke.
Speaker 1:They didn't live happily ever after. No, they didn't live happily ever after.
Speaker 2:The only fights I got into were because of Lily, my sister. I was protecting her from the bullies and then one of the fights, she said, no, they were lying to you. I wasn't getting bullied and I got suspended twice.
Speaker 1:See, I never got in trouble in school like that. I never got into any fights. The fights that I did get into- were outside of school.
Speaker 2:Oh, that came later for me, but in school. The only two were because of Lily.
Speaker 1:But not in school, but outside of school. Yeah, yeah. We can't talk about those sorts of things, we actually were in a fight together, you and I. Well, we were not against each other, but we were in the fight together. Where, with who On?
Speaker 2:the hill. Oh yeah, she broke your necklace.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh, and at that point I lost my shit. And then she had a heart attack. And then she had a heart attack Once. Once she pissed me off cause she broke my necklace. She had a heart attack. She had a heart attack Cause she saw how pissed off I got Girl bye. I was like all right, I'm done being nice. She saw how pissed off I got Girl bye. I was like all right, I'm done being nice. She broke your necklace. I remember, yeah, at that point I saw red. I was like oh hell, no. And then she did too.
Speaker 2:She fell down. She fell down and pretended to have a heart attack. Here we go, Uh-huh. Do you think that you would ever get into a relationship with someone that has a child? Like would you, do you want to be a step parent or do you want to be a parent? Or are you cool without having children?
Speaker 1:For a long time I wanted to have kids and for a long long time I always thought I would have children, like ever since I was really young I always thought, oh, I'm going to have kids. And I even got married with the intention of having children and I remember, like in the at some point in my marriage actually, we looked into donors and options and IVF and all this stuff and I considered it. I and I dated somebody who had a child who was little, just like Mel, like he was three. So for me it was always kids were always kind of part of the equation in some way. But as I got older, I think things kind of shifted and I realized maybe I don't, I don't know, maybe it is over. I realized maybe I don't know, maybe it is overrated, maybe I don't need to have kids, maybe it's not in the cards for me and that's fine.
Speaker 1:And I don't necessarily care if I do, if I don't. I'm not somebody that's like I need to have a child today or tomorrow. I'm not somebody that's also like absolutely not, I will not date you if you want to have children. Nor am I somebody that's like you know. The thing is is, once you start to get older and I'm not talking about for myself, but I'm just saying in general once you start to get older, you know you're going to encounter people who have kids. Yeah, maybe not so much in the gay community but in the lesbian community, but definitely, I think, in general, I think in the lesbian community.
Speaker 2:It's a lot more common than we think.
Speaker 1:Maybe, maybe there are more couples that have had children and then they separate and then they're starting to date again and they're like oh well, I come with kids. Yeah, you know, I know it happens a lot in the straight community. I think once you get past 35, someone's going to have a child at some point I agree with you.
Speaker 1:So for me it's not so much would I or wouldn't I. I do think that if, let's say, I was with someone and a child somehow came into the picture whether that was, they had a child or we had a child or a child was dropped off on our doorstep by a stork, I would be open to that.
Speaker 1:You know, like I'm totally open to that, I'm not somebody that would be like, absolutely not. We're not having kids and I don't want to have kids. Okay, so you're open either way, so I'm open to whatever, you know, the universe wants to present me with. I'm open to it, but I'm not actively seeking to go have a child and, like you know, do IVF or get, I would never get pregnant you wouldn't carry a baby. It is not something I ever want to experience.
Speaker 2:No, way, no, how. What if someone asked you to be a surrogate for like $50,000.?
Speaker 1:There's no amount of money in this world that would make me want to go through that kind of torture, torture. I know people say it's the most beautiful experience in the world. It is not. I've seen it. It is not. My cousin sneezes and she has babies. Like it is crazy, like, and she barely has any pain and she talks about how beautiful it is to be pregnant and how it's the most amazing and I'm just like, okay, well, you can carry my baby if I ever decided to have a baby. But I don't even want to go through the IVF experience, like having, like my eggs taken out or anything like that. Like that even sounds painful and torturous.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but then I think we're going to learn next week about different procedures that might not be as torturous.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know. I think they're all going to be somewhat torturous.
Speaker 2:Well, my friends that I recently saw, they had it through ICI. Yeah, I mean, they're all different, or something like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's different ways and there's IUI, iui, iui is what they did. And you know turkey basters and the cup On the podcast, I mean on the Netflix show that I was talking about some of them were conceived via turkey baster.
Speaker 2:I know a couple that instead of a turkey baster they did the cup.
Speaker 1:I don't know what that is.
Speaker 2:It's a menstrual cup and you put the sperm in there and put that in and then put that in the woman and it has to sit in there for I don't know how long, I don't know how many hours. That is interesting. They did it through a cup.
Speaker 1:Huh, yeah, but see, no, I have no desire. No, nothing's ever been in, nothing's ever coming out. I mean, things have been in Talking about my gynecologist, but no, I do not. Do you want to carry?
Speaker 2:Heck, no See, I almost slipped and said the F word. I caught myself. No, I don't want to. I think maybe 10 years ago I would have been down for it, but now, no, I caught myself. No, I don't want to. I think maybe 10 years ago I would have been down for it, but now, no, I want Fernanda to carry, I want to cater to her, I want to be that baby mama that, like you know, rubs her belly and goes to the appointments, and I want to do all that.
Speaker 1:I won't have like a gender reveal party, but how do you think you would be if you were pregnant?
Speaker 2:The biggest pain in the butt.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God.
Speaker 2:I would be the worst pregnant person. I'd be like, oh my God. Oh my God, Everything would hurt and don't even I would have anxiety to push this thing out. I'd be like, give me all the epidural.
Speaker 1:I would be like give me all the drugs and I'm having a C-section.
Speaker 2:No, I don't. I want it to go through the canal and knock me out. I don't want to be awake for it. No, and I don't want, like I know they say it's beautiful when the baby's put on you with all the blood and stuff, but like I have a weak stomach I don't know if I could.
Speaker 1:You know, when I was born, my dad passed out. Oh, he did. Yeah, my mom always tells me would tell me that story. She said your dad was the worst. I'm sitting there pushing you out and he's over there with the shoe boot, booties on his head, passed out on the floor. Oh my god. And I was like like he actually passed out. She's like, yeah, he passed out for like five minutes he was out on the floor. Oh my god, he couldn't see. Because my dad has this like horrible fear of needles and blood. So every time he sees a needle or blood he passes out.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:And I was just like dying, laughing I'm like oh my God, my mom goes and then, in the middle of me pushing you out, I'm yelling at the nurse to get him off the floor so he can see you be born.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wouldn't pass out. I would have a new appreciation for Fernanda when I see her push the baby up. Yeah, I don't think I could.
Speaker 1:She had Mel without epidural so. I told her this time around. Holy smokes. She was young, though, too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but this time she's going to go through the pain again. I'll be there. She'll squeeze my hand.
Speaker 1:Well, they always say women have, like that, amnesia that happens after you give birth, so that you forget how painful it was and you get pregnant again. Yeah, it's like an actual thing. That's an interesting fact. And then you keep going through this horrible painful process and then the horrible painful process of raising them, because then you invest all this time money energy, love, affection for them to grow up and hopefully be incredible, great human beings.
Speaker 1:You just cross your fingers you cross your fingers and then take care of you in return when you're old. Yeah Right, that's the whole reason why you have children, yeah yeah it is so that they can be great human beings in society, but also then, take care of you as the parent when you get old, or it could all backfire on you and you create a little monster and they don't want anything to do with you.
Speaker 2:Oh, and that's sad. That's a sad reality for something, that is the sad reality for some people, that is the sad reality, and I'm like do I want to go through that? Yeah, it's like rolling dice. I don't think.
Speaker 1:I want to go through that. I don't want to have a little minion.
Speaker 2:I think you just talked yourself out of the because there was. Am the youngest of my siblings and like there is a very big age gap.
Speaker 1:Yeah you know, like the oldest, my oldest sibling is 20 years, 19 years. She hates it when I say 2019 years older than me. And then the youngest of them three is and I are 14 years apart. Yeah so, and they don't only one of them have children of which we don't really have much of a relationship with. They're older too, and I don't really have any other like siblings or family members that are that much closer to me.
Speaker 2:So do it so that when I get old.
Speaker 1:I'm like who's going to take? And I like older women, oh no. So I'm like who's going to take care of me when I'm old? I'm going to have to have like a nurse, you wouldn't mind that. Well, I'm going to need to have a lot of money in order to have a nurse, to be able to afford a nurse to take care of me when I'm like 80 or 90. You're going to be fine. Although when I'm 80 or 90, I hope to not need a nurse, maybe when I'm like 110.
Speaker 2:We'll be fine, together somewhere, fernanda will put me in a home. Yeah, see, I don't want to be in a home. I don't want to be in a home. They are mean to people in homes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't want to be in a home. I don't mind being in like a community where I'm with a bunch of other older people.
Speaker 2:You'll be together in in, like my villa in italy. Oh, I don't know if I'll be in italy.
Speaker 1:I I don't know where I'll be, but that's where I want to be. I want to be in my villa in italy and then maybe have a nurse that takes care of me. Yeah, and I'll be playing, like you know, canasta, with all the old ladies in the neighborhood. Canasta, sipping whiskey, canasta, sipping whiskey, like my grandma. Yeah, to this day, who's 97. Sips whiskey, sips whiskey. I just yeah, I can't. That's the only reason why I would consider having a child, as selfish as that probably sounds.
Speaker 2:That's why you're not going to have one.
Speaker 1:Is that? I just no.
Speaker 1:And then, obviously, all those beautiful moments that you think of, right, like having family meals, and you have a table full of, you know, your kids and their partners, and holidays and being a grandparent and cooking with your child Like that was always a dream I had was like having my kid in the kitchen and teaching my kid, like you know, their grandmother's recipes and all of that. And those are all things that, to me, are the beautiful moments that I would want to have a child for. But then there's all the stuff in between, all the stuff in between that, to me, is far bigger than those beautiful moments.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because those beautiful moments as much as you want them. Like you, probably Mal isn't going to want to come into the kitchen now to do anything, cause her friends are online and she wants to play online and people will say, well, we'll take that away from her, but it's like then. You know, right now she's an only child, right? She is homeschooled right now until she goes to high school. I don't want to take the one thing that gets her socialized with children away from her either. You know so it's like the. You got to find a balance of like when to do it, when not to do it. So it's hard parenting, no matter if you're a step parent or or like the actual parent, it's hard.
Speaker 2:It's it's not always a rewarding thing.
Speaker 1:No. And also, like you think about like long term as far as, yeah, you have them for 18 years and then you got to let them go. That's sad and I'm like I wouldn't be able to let them go. No, it's sad, I would be like fucking Gypsy Rose's mother. Oh, my God, that woman. You're home. You don't feel well, you're going to stay here with me forever.
Speaker 2:No, that lady is crazy.
Speaker 1:She is crazy. You got to be with mama forever. You can't grow up. No, no, but I just, in all honesty, like that that. That's the part that I think breaks my heart is that you spend all this time with them, you nurture them, you love them, you give them all the tools, and then you have to set them free.
Speaker 2:You have to like a little bird like a little bird.
Speaker 1:I think that's why, every time that happens, women usually are like okay, let's have another child, so that the cycle is always continuing. You don't have anybody. That leaves your nest right and then when you do have an empty nest, it's sad yeah, I mean, my mom had an empty nest, an empty nest for like two years before she passed. Yeah, like she was just, and I don't think she was happy about it. I don't think so either. She was calling me all the time like where, where are you? Are you coming over?
Speaker 2:What are?
Speaker 1:you doing and I was like I think you can cut this umbilical cord. Mom, she wasn't ready to, she was nope, that would be me. Yes, I know that would be you.
Speaker 2:I'd be like you're not going anywhere. I'd be the mom that.
Speaker 1:You're here. I didn't know you were coming. You didn't tell me. Oh, my God, you better never.
Speaker 2:No, no, could you imagine? No, I don't want to. No, I probably wouldn't be that mom, yes, I would, yeah, you would.
Speaker 1:I think you would be. Well, I think we're going to wrap it up here. We chit-chatted quite a bit about Little Melly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's all for us. Make sure you guys you know, rate us and leave us some comments. It's always cool to read them and I hope you guys have a great week and we will see you guys next time.
Speaker 1:Later, booze Later. Thank you so much for listening to let's Say More a podcast brought to you by myself, solange Aurelio Abba Mozaffari, and produced by Rossella Testa. Video and audio edited by myself as well, solange Aurelio.
