Lez Say More Podcast
Welcome to Lez Say More: the podcast where your favorite duo of best friends—together for over 20 years—gets real about the queer community. Join us every Wednesday as we dive into everything from health and wellness, to fashion, relationships, sex - and even the occasional celebrity gossip. With our trademark humor and brutal honesty, we’re here to share stories, laughs, and insights about the (queer) modern life and all the fabulousness it has to offer. Whether you're part of the community or just curious, grab your favorite drink and join the conversation—because we promise to keep it funny, relatable, and absolutely unfiltered!
Lez Say More Podcast
Relationships 101: Clocking In for Love
This episode explores how to clock into your relationship by putting in the essential effort needed to thrive. We discuss the importance of communication, empathy, and understanding in navigating stress and the challenges that arise in partnerships.
• Emphasizing the connection between effort and relationship success
• Recognizing different stress levels in relationships
• Navigating effective communication and emotional safety
• Examining friendships following breakups and loyalty
• Identifying personal deal breakers and evolving needs
• The necessity of accountability in personal growth
• Simple ways to keep joy alive in relationships
• Agreement on celebrating important holidays together
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Let's Say More podcast. If you can, please show your love and support by writing a review on Apple Podcasts, rating us on Spotify, and spreading the word in your community.
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Dude, not everybody lives in the same playing field. You know, what may be stressful to me may not be stressful to you. We all have different levels of stress.
Speaker 2:Like you might not be able to fuel up your private jet that day, and that stresses you out and that stresses you out.
Speaker 1:You know, that is a stress for that person.
Speaker 2:Because now they have $50,000 of jet fuel that they don't know what to do with Exactly. You know, yeah, I don't know I'm reaching on that one, but yeah, but you get what I'm saying, I get it, yeah.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, welcome back to the let's Say More podcast. I am Solange, I'm Ava, and today we have a lovely little episode that we're going to be talking about relationships, good old relationships, particularly clocking in to your relationship Clocking in Clocking in, like I'm thinking of the timestamp. Did you ever have a job where you had to do the little? Yeah, I think my first job?
Speaker 2:Yeah, my first job at the mall. I did. I had to do that. You had to clock in. Yeah, I think I had one of those too, like I literally had to put the card in.
Speaker 1:Those were a pain in the butt because you couldn't have somebody else clock you in, because you used to have people do that for you.
Speaker 1:Well, like if you were like a minute late and you're running down the hall of the mall trying to get to the store, I would be like, hey, so-and-so, but sometimes you just you couldn't do it because your boss was there. And they'd be like, see, you, grab the card and put it in. You're a cheetah, listen, linda. All right, so we're going to talk about clocking into your relationship and we're also going to finish some of these Q&A questions that you guys sent us in last week. Yes, we are so, boo. Yes, what is clocking into a relationship? Because this was your topic. It was.
Speaker 2:I thought of it after having a conversation with someone about Valentine's Day and how their partner treated them on Valentine's Day and she said you know it's been, we've been together for so long and she was a bit.
Speaker 2:You could tell she was disappointed in the lack of effort that was put forth. And so I started thinking like you know, when you're with someone for so long, you tend to forget that you still need to put an effort into your relationship. And it is like clocking into work, because at work, depending on your job I guess my job you have performance metrics you have to meet basically every day and then every month. So depending on how your month ends is how well you get paid day and then every month. So depending on how your month ends is how well you get paid. And if you are like me and you love money and you love the success and the ego of having a successful career, you push yourself really hard. Well, why don't we take that ego or that mindset and put it forth to our relationship, where we want our relationship to thrive and we want our significant other to sit back and think of us and be like they're performing well?
Speaker 2:They deserve the raise, whatever the raise may be, whether it's in the bedroom or a date night or something, and I think we lose sight of that and we don't know how to communicate it effectively. Or we don't know how to receive the message. Because I think sometimes when someone tells you, you might get defensive, like what do you mean? I'm busy and I'm doing all these things. But I think if you sat and you listened, like if I for Valentine's Day or for something, you came home from work and I said to you, oh, I got you a rose, it's in the kitchen, yeah, You'd be like okay. And then if you tell me like, well, you know, I wish you put more effort in it, and I said to you well, I've been at work all day. At least you got something you know and that's right, yeah, and people kind of fall into that pattern, I think, when they're together for so long.
Speaker 2:And I think it's important that we learn to A show up and B like receive the information well and feel comfortable enough to say like I'm lacking or you're slacking here and you're not filling up my love tank and I need you to fill it up by doing these things, and hopefully you have a partner that's willing to communicate. Yeah, to communicate and to take that on and say you know what I'm sorry, I'll do better.
Speaker 1:Not a partner that just says like oh well, Because if that's the case, I'm going to tell everyone right now leave that person because life's too short to be stuck in something like that, but also like, if you're putting yourself in that person's shoes, why are they still there?
Speaker 2:Obviously, it's the person that's not putting in the effort, or no, the person who is wanting the oh why? Are they loving?
Speaker 1:attention, I guess, is what I was. I mean I assuming that I am assuming that that person is also putting in their fair share into the relationship and is not being met with the same amount of love and attention to the relationship?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think so, but I think sometimes when you try and you're not receiving, then you just stop trying and then you kind of avoid having the conversation because you might feel like, ah, Well, also, do you think it's because you think that if you say something it will start the process of the relationship ending and maybe you're not ready for the relationship?
Speaker 2:to end before and it wasn't easy at first because years ago Fernanda wasn't very receptive to constructive criticism on how she was as a partner and then later on, with time and especially with marriage, she's become more receptive of it.
Speaker 2:Same goes for me. She's told me before that I lost my romantic spark and it was kind of like a wake-up call for me because I got too focused in my job, because there was a point where it was harder to close deals than it was before, because you know the economy and how everything is, it's harder. And now that it's I kind of feel like I've gained my confidence back again. It was a good wake up call for me to like snap out of it and take her on the date nights and not be so bummy if I were to take her out and to put more effort into things. And I think that I was receptive because I didn't want to lose her to someone else, not saying that Fernanda was going to cheat on me, meaning I didn't want her to look at another relationship or another person and say I wish Ava would do that. I wanted to remove the I wish to. I'm so happy Ava does that for me, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean, everybody has different needs and desires and wants out of your partner. Everybody has different needs and desires and wants out of your partner. But I do think that having, I guess you would say, a very open and honest conversation with your partner about what your needs are and when that person is having some form of challenge in their life and they start slipping and you are not having that that need met, you can voice that and say, hey, you know, like I'm over here, I'm feeling neglected or I'm feeling this or I'm feeling that, and always lead with the I am and not like you're not doing this and you're not doing that, because that never ends well. You should never put the point, the finger at anybody. Right, like you just speak from a place of like what you're feeling.
Speaker 1:I think that at that point you can put that out there and if your partner which I can also see your partner at that time probably not wanting to even like almost being like, oh, something else that's been put on my plate, yeah, but I think that if you are trying to have a healthy relationship and trying to keep this relationship for the long haul, have the uncomfortable conversations, because at the end of the day, that's what's going to make the bond stronger and last, the relationship lasts longer. Or if indefinitely, because if you're able to be open with one another and tell each other where the other person is falling short, then you can course correct and move, continue to move in the path of longevity, versus not saying anything and then you continue to grow apart and you continue to grow in that sort of resentment, right, right, because now you're resenting your partner for not seeing what they should see or for not saying what they should be saying, or for not handing you the rose, right, and saying happy Valentine's Day, my love, like those are the things that I think matter long term over time. And watering, like they say, like water your grass or it's gonna fucking die. It's the same thing.
Speaker 1:But I understand that it can get difficult and things happen in life where sometimes your partner is going to fall off the wagon. But I think being gentle and loving and kind to them when they do that and kind, of course, correcting them, is okay too, because you need, you have needs that need to be met as well as they do. Yeah, right, like, if your need was financial, then I understand that, but I also have a need that is your attention, right. So I expect you to, just as much as you love making money, love me and making time for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I also think that when you have that open communication or that honest communication, there might be something that the other person's going through Like. There was a time where I was disconnected because I was so worried about being good at my job job so I was stressed out and I did feel, I guess, a slight form of depression, and not that I expressed it to her, but if the conversation was brought up, I could have told her, like you know what well I am feeling depressed, I am feeling these different sorts of things on my shoulder and I feel like I have to, you know, be successful for our little family to survive you know, and so you might learn something about your partner too, if you guys both are comfortable enough with being vulnerable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that voicing things at times is very difficult for people because you're being vulnerable, but you're also not sure. It depends on what kind of partner you have. So if you have somebody who I don't know, sometimes people who are very like, I don't want to say positive, but you know they're like, very like. Sometimes it's like you just want to be like, just sulk with me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You, don't you just you.
Speaker 2:It's uh, you want them to just listen and you don't need their their um. Quotes of the day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like like, don't tell me everything's going to be okay. Don't tell me that you know like I don't want to hear that You're receiving what you're supposed to receive. Yeah, like just tell me that this shit sucks, it's messed up, it's messed up, and that you understand and you want to flip the table too. Yeah, and that you're there with me.
Speaker 2:Yes, we're in this misery together, and then you say how can I help you?
Speaker 1:But we're going to get out of it. We're going to get out of it, but how can I help you? What can we do? And then you start going into sort of solution solution, solution, solution mode, but in a more um constructive way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but not so like we used to be able to finish each other's sentences.
Speaker 1:Oh my God. I don't want to say optimistic, but you know, there's like just people who are like Problem solving yeah, but they're like too much of a problem solver sometimes, like when, like when things are too over the top, like like you're like all right, I just need you to be like on my level, like if we're sad, we're sad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's be sad together. Let's be sad together and then tell me something positive in a few hours.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:In a few hours, after I've cried Because let me cry yeah, the river. And then there are the opposite, which are bring out that violin that say oh poor you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, I was gonna say the opposite. Where they go, you know, like well, why are you well, why are you sad? Well, you have nothing to be sad about. Well, you have everything. Well, you know, and you're like dude, not everybody lives in the same playing field. What may be stressful to me may not be stressful to you.
Speaker 2:We all have different levels of stress, like you might not be able to fuel up your private jet that day, and that stresses you out and that stresses you out.
Speaker 1:You know, that is a stress for that person.
Speaker 2:Because now they have $50,000 of jet fuel that they don't know what to do with Exactly. You know, yeah, I don't know I'm reaching on that one, but yeah, but you get what I'm saying I get it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cheating on that one, but yeah. But you get what I'm saying. I get it, yeah, but as far as like, in the terms of seeing it as a job. I don't necessarily think you should see your relationship as a job, but I do understand what you're saying as far as like looking at it as a job, as like you're clocking in to do the job, to show up, to show up for the person, because your payment is love, attention, partnership, a family, kind, like that's the payment that you receive for the time and effort you're putting into it.
Speaker 2:When I say job, I don't mean it like you're going to something you hate. Yeah, I'm talking about like your dream job, because because in my head, whoever you spend the rest of your life with, whether you're married or you're not, that is your dream, that you want right. So when you have a dream job, you put in a different sort of effort, right, and you love what you do and it's rewarding. So give back to your relationship something you know like love, like give it love so you can receive it back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I also think that we live in a time when technology takes up all of our attention on our free time and we prefer to sit and scroll than to pay attention to the person we're with or spend time with the person that we're with, especially if you're, you know, a generation that really loves technology, like you grew up on that. So I think, like there are a lot of women that have boyfriends that do nothing but play video games. You know people, you see partners at restaurants and they're both on their phones. Or you see them sitting on a couch and they're both on their phones, instead of engaging with one another and having a conversation and saying, okay, we're going to sit down and we're going to have dinner together not in front of the television and we're going to talk, because those are things that you do when you want to be avoidant of one another, right, because those are things that you do when you want to be avoidant of one another, right.
Speaker 1:Like I remember my marriage, I would have dinner in front of the television all the time, because it was me wanting to be avoidant. You know, like I don't want to have conversations. So I think that it's. One of those things is that, like showing up, being present, but also putting in the time and effort into the relationship. So, putting in the time and effort into the relationship, If you're going to sit on the couch on your iPad all day long, you know, and not give, not raise your eyes, to sit at the table and participate with your partner or do something or go somewhere, or you know, over time that starts to make the other person feel alone, and I think that there's a time and place for everything.
Speaker 2:Like I get people you know might want to scroll on the social media for a little bit, but read the room, you know. If you come in the door and the first thing you do is that you know and you don't engage with your partner at all, then what ends up happening is then your partner gets used to that.
Speaker 2:And then they say, okay, well, they don't care to know how I'm doing. So A, I'm going to keep it to myself. I'm going to keep my success to myself and my problems to myself, or I'm going to seek it in like a friend and only tell my friends and you're not going to know anything about me because you don't care to.
Speaker 1:And I think that people, they lose touch of that and if it's brought to your attention and you still don't do anything about it. That's selfish right, because at the end of the day, whether you're married or you're in a text right, you don't live together.
Speaker 1:You send your partner a text every morning Good morning, how are you, Right? How do you feel? How did you sleep? Those are things that show that you care and you love them. Right? If I didn't live with my partner I mean, even if I lived with my partner I would ask them the same question every morning how are you? How was your day? How like? Those are things that you ask, whether it's in the morning or at the end of the day, and that usually strikes up a conversation, right, you know, even if you don't speak throughout the day, or you do speak throughout the day.
Speaker 1:I think also what happens is people end up being in these really long-term relationships and you spend so much time together, or you're with your partner all the time, that then you have nothing to talk about, Right, and at that point it's like okay. I do honestly believe that the absence makes the heart grow fonder, in the sense that give yourselves some space at times. You know, go somewhere for the weekend with your friends. Or, you know, if you work, you don't work at home. Work, you know. Or you have your separate working spaces, or, you know, spend time outside of the home for a period of time, like each of you going to your own, do your own things with your own people, Because at that point you also create more to talk about, yeah, cause.
Speaker 2:Then you come back from the event and you're able to say like, oh my God, I had so much fun, or I didn't, or this happened Because at the end, you do gossip with your partner yeah, you do All the time, all the time, and that's who you probably gossip with the most, because it's the safest person to gossip with, right, and you want to have those sorts of things to talk about. But if you constantly feel like God, I don't want to piss them off, or I can't communicate with them or I can't communicate with them, then you do pull away.
Speaker 2:You naturally pull away. And then what happens is then the partner says well, you never talked to me. But it's like well, did you realize why I never talked to you? Well, it's because you made it a norm for me not to talk to you.
Speaker 1:Or if they are like explosive people. You know who can't stay calm, right, you know like they just explode and everything is like almost like an attack to who they are.
Speaker 1:You're just like whoa, all I'm trying to do is have a conversation with you about how I feel I'm not attacking you. I think that at that point it starts to yeah, make you almost push away a little bit. So at that point you also have to have a conversation with them and say hey, listen, how can I speak to you so that you don't feel like I'm attacking you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, like take the gloves off. I'm not your enemy Like you're safe.
Speaker 1:Like, how can we have a conversation? Because we all have traumas, right, and everybody's trauma is different, right. So I can speak to you in a certain manner and I think I'm sweet as candy, right, and you must think that I'm the devil. You're like, oh my God, you're attacking me, you're raising your voice, you're this, you're that, and I'm like no, I'm just passionate, I'm just Latina, like I don't, I don't know, you know, like I'm just be me and I really don't think I'm doing anything harmful. I think I'm having a very clear and honest conversation with you and I'm being so.
Speaker 1:At that point you say, okay, what are your triggers and what is it that I say? Or how would you like me to speak to you? And this is how I would like you to speak to me, so that we can have these conversations and we can have a healthy relationship and we're not throwing things at each other, we're not fighting, we're not screaming, we're not getting physical these things at each other. We're not fighting, we're not screaming, we're not getting physical. These things aren't happening. I do think that a lot of relationships hit a mile mark and if you are not putting the effort into it, things get very monotonous and they get very mundane and you're kind of going through the motions and you don't really put the effort and the energy that you did in the beginning because you assume that that person's just going to be there. And that is the worst assumption you can make the person's going to be there. That is the worst If you're not watering the grass.
Speaker 2:Yes, there is something that I would like to say to your point of like the traumas and then asking the person you know how would you like me to approach you? I agree with that, but there is a part of me that thinks I have my own traumas, right, I've had to deal with them through therapy. I've had to deal with them through myself. My traumas are not your problem, right? So I need to, or I've had to, man up and pick myself up from the ground numerous times and work through it, right, whether through my friends, if I come to you and I say this happened to me and then you give me advice and you know, because friends, I do believe, can be your therapist as well. So sometimes I do think that people who have trauma at some point need to figure it out, because not everyone is going to want to dance or like walk on eggshells.
Speaker 1:Oh, one million percent.
Speaker 2:Like you got to figure your crap out too, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, that's what I. That happens over time and over growth in life mending your traumas and learning how to live with them and course correcting your behavior because, yeah, and that's a you problem, right, like that's a you solution too. So I know people who have had traumas in their life and they don't put in the time or effort to want to fix it. They don't want to go to therapy, they don't want to make those changes. They don't think anything's wrong with them, they think it's everybody else. They think it's everybody else.
Speaker 1:Everyone else and I'm like do you realize? You're the common denominator here? Right, you are the one who's lost everybody else around you. You don't think that the problem is you and your traumas and the things that you have been through in life which, very like you have every right in the world to have these traumas and these thoughts and reactions to things. But you have to work through them. Like you get to a point where you're like all right, you're a whatever, whatever year old person, You're not 15. You're not 12., You're not 10.
Speaker 1:Like you got to get to a point where you start to work through it and you have to put in the effort, whether that's going to therapy or going to groups or, you know, trying to. I personally think that the only way you get through those things is by going to therapy. I do not think that in any kind of therapy there's a million different kinds of therapies. I don't think that you can work through traumas on your own. Yeah, I think that it's something that you have to do with a professional who can help you kind of guide you through it and process the things that happened and help you kind of overcome them or maybe even just find a way to deal with it and recognize your triggers.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and to take accountability for them. I think the lack of accountability, too, is something that's important, because if you're not taking accountability and your partner is noticing that you're not and all they want is for you to say to acknowledge that you did something, that you know.
Speaker 1:Sometimes they don't even realize that they did anything wrong. So how do you take accountability for something that you don't think you did wrong? That's true. Sometimes they don't even realize that they did anything wrong. So how do you take accountability for something that you don't think you did wrong? That's true.
Speaker 2:That's where, that's where things get tricky Right. So at that point.
Speaker 1:That's why couples therapy is a thing, or you know cause your therapist could be saying yeah, I'm hearing your side of it and you're absolutely right, you know, but they're not hearing their side of it, Right? So it's like you have to have. You have to be open enough to be able to understand that there are multiple layers that go into a person and how they become who they are, and that's through the traumas and the experiences that they have in life and they bring all of that into the relationship have in life. And they bring all of that into the relationship, Like you bring yourself, but you also bring everybody and everything else that's ever happened to you in your life.
Speaker 2:But you need to figure that out so that you are also are a good partner Like. You need to figure that stuff out Like it's not your partner, isn't your punching bag? No, you got it you got to figure that out because it's unfair to people. And then it shapes you because you start to accept certain behaviors and through acceptance you could put up a wall and it might make you feel like you aren't being your authentic self anymore and you don't want that.
Speaker 1:And then that relationship starts to kind of break apart, right, and that's when all the cracks happen, right, and all the water that fills it and it just gets all muddy and we don't, and you end up in a shit. We don't want muddy, ton of problems. Yeah, yeah, I definitely think that putting the time and effort into a relationship is really important, and also having an agreement on, like, what holidays are we going to celebrate what is important to you? You know, like, is Valentine's Day important to you? Because it's not important to me, but if it's important to you, I'm going to make the effort for you, right? You know, like, is Christmas a big thing for you? All, right, babe, we're going to do Christmas. You know, I think birthdays are huge and you always spend the birthday with your partner, if you can. I mean, I know sometimes you can't because things don't, but you make an effort. You celebrate it when the person is there.
Speaker 2:I feel like a birthday is always something that you should spend with your partner and a birthday is, not only should you spend it, but you should make it special. Yeah, and you should be able to know how to make it special. And if you don't, I'm talking from personal experience Google it, go on Reddit, get ideas Like figure in life, you need to figure things out yeah.
Speaker 1:Like you can't just, oh, I didn't know, I don't know what you like.
Speaker 2:You're hard to please.
Speaker 1:Figure it out. I think one of the biggest turn-ons for me is when people, like partners, will be like for your birthday. They'll be like don't worry about it, babe, I got it. Yeah, and you just show up. Yeah, or they pick you up and they take you for this beautiful day, you know, or they'll. Maybe they'll ask you for an opinion, right, do you prefer to go here or here? Right, but they make the decision, they make the reservations, they make the effort, they talk to your friends, they talk to your family. They put everything together for you. I think that is a that is such a turn on to me, yeah, but it's also like they show such an effort and then what goes into it is you also see all the love and attention that they're giving you, but also that they pay attention to you, right, because they know that you've mentioned that you wanted to go to this place or they know that you said that you wanted to have this item or that you wanted to go, you know, hang out with so-and-so or
Speaker 1:whatever it is, and at that moment in time it's your opportunity to make those things happen, and you don't need a lot of money to do that. It could be anything as simple as like making a beautiful dinner for them, and then they get home and you have dinner ready for them and you know, if you can't afford a gift, you just write them a beautiful love letter. You write them like, whatever their age is, however many reasons as to why you love them. You know I've done that, but I think they're just different little things. I think it's a nice little touch to just let them know that they're loved. Yeah, I agree with you there.
Speaker 1:All right, I think we've talked enough about Clocking in, clocking in. We're going to move on to some of the Q&A questions. Alba, you want to bust out your phone?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do, okay, so my phone is busted out. So the question is it's about breakups, Mutual friends, who gets what? And is it different in a lesbian relationship? Hmm, gets what?
Speaker 1:And is it different in a lesbian relationship?
Speaker 2:I think it gets a little trickier in a lesbian relationship.
Speaker 1:Me too I think so Because I have straight friends and they don't bring their husbands to the groups. You know what I mean the group gatherings.
Speaker 2:We had a straight friend that brought her husband.
Speaker 1:Yes, we did have a straight friend that brought her husband.
Speaker 2:Yes, we did have a straight friend that brought her husband, and he became all of our friends, but if they broke up we would not be his friend, or, wait, we would. I don't know, I mean, we are his friend.
Speaker 1:We are his friend, but I don't think that.
Speaker 2:okay, this is the way I see it. I think that was a special. I don't think most people are are like that Most heterosexuals.
Speaker 1:I mean he was a part of the girls. Yeah, he really was part of the girls, I think. But I think like, if you have, I think, with lesbians it's different, because you are all in a group of friends and you're all women and everybody becomes kind of close to one another at some degree, right, unless they're all couples.
Speaker 1:But okay, in my breakups right, I only inherited one of the friends because my ex wasn't feeding that friendship and I was Well, okay, so that's kind of like what happened with me and my friendships that I gained friends from my ex, because I also think it's because she wasn't feeding the friendships and the relationships right and I understand that the loyalty typically lies with the person who you are friends with right, but what if you met?
Speaker 2:you guys both met at the same time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if you meet them at the same time. I don't know. I think this is like. This is a hard one, okay.
Speaker 2:So when I broke up with my ex, I only inherited one, and then she didn't inherit any because I told my friends no, I don't want you guys talking to her and see, I've never told anyone that they're not allowed.
Speaker 1:I have no shame in my game I take it back. I did, I did. I did tell when I got backstabbed by ff. Yeah, I did tell a friend that she could not speak to that person anymore because she was my best friend and I was like you cannot speak to that person anymore. I don't feel comfortable with it and I didn't think it was right. But she was also really close to my ex, so that got really muddy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I think now. Yeah, I have no shame in my game telling my friends no, you're my friends and I don't know.
Speaker 1:See, now, at this stage of my life, I don't know that. I necessarily, but you're not in that situation, I'm not, but you're not in that situation, I'm not. But I was in that situation and I made a closer connection and friendship with a group of friends that I was brought into, yeah, and I nurtured those friendships and I grew close to them and my partner didn't. Friendships, and I grew close to them and my partner didn't. So I also, though, never gave anybody an ultimatum and said you can or cannot be friends with so-and-so, right, but they chose on their own. You know, at one point I think they were even still friends with both of us and hanging out with both of us separately, and then, at some point, it kind of ended, but I never said you can't be friends with her or you have to make a choice, or like I don't think. I don't think I would do that.
Speaker 2:I mean now, god forbid for Anna and I didn't knock on wood, didn't work out, I wouldn't talk to any of her friends.
Speaker 1:Would you still let me go get my hair done with her?
Speaker 2:Depends on why we broke up, let's say the worst kind of way. No, you better find a new hairstylist.
Speaker 1:Damn it.
Speaker 2:No, you, priscilla, all of you, none of you, none of you would be able to go to her anymore. But I mean, I'm trying to think of all her friends. Out of respect for Fernanda, I wouldn't speak to them. I mean, we're cool now, but I wouldn't, because I would find it disrespectful to her to still talk to them, because I would find it disrespectful to her to still talk to them. Like if I called up Linda, you know, like why would I need to speak to her best friend? Or why would I need to speak to Lori, or to? You know, I'm like name dropping all her friends.
Speaker 1:I mean, they do call you, though Her friends call you yeah.
Speaker 2:They call me, but Sometimes they call you because they're looking for her. Yes, that's the thing. Her little friends will call me and they'll say where's your wife At work, or like she's not answering.
Speaker 1:Or they need a wise person to speak to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think, for an enemy center. I'm wise, wise, okay. By wise I mean older.
Speaker 1:You're so rude to me. Elderly abuse. This is something an elderly person would know. Let me call Ava.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know what I do think Can't call Fernanda. I do think I'm getting, I do think I'm being used for my age now.
Speaker 1:The next time they call me, they're going to start calling you for that, for that. What is it? The citizen discount Senior citizen discount you jerk.
Speaker 2:I'm not even at that age yet. No, and I wouldn't give it to them. I'd be like, no, I'm at Denny's.
Speaker 1:Can I get your phone number? First of all, if they're at Denny's, don't call my phone. I was trying to think of places that still do it. Ihop. Oh yeah, Usually it's the diners.
Speaker 2:You are not nice. I mean, yeah, so the mutual friends thing, I think it gets muddy, but in my situation I kept my friends. She wasn't getting any of them, they're mine. I am possess. I kept my friends. She wasn't getting any of them, they're mine. I am possessive over my friends. All right, next question or statement? I think it was a question. Next question deal breakers.
Speaker 1:What are our deal breakers?
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of mine is if you can't cook.
Speaker 1:That's a deal breaker for you?
Speaker 2:Yes, how am I gonna eat your two hands? I don't wanna always cook. That's a deal breaker for you. Yes, how am I going to eat your two hands? I don't want to always cook, I want to be cooked for. Okay, I love a home cooked meal.
Speaker 1:All right, I think a deal breaker for sure would be somebody who's not out. Oh well, yeah, I mean, yeah, that would be my number one deal breaker. Like you need to be out. Another deal breaker would be somebody who wears socks in the shower and in bed while having sex. Who wears socks in the shower? Deal breaker, oh my.
Speaker 2:God, All right, no socks. What if they're like dry fit?
Speaker 1:socks Gross. Also, somebody who's like fully tattooed from head to toe no socks. What if they're like dry fit socks Gross.
Speaker 2:Also somebody who's like fully tattooed from head to toe. Deal breaker, okay, someone who wouldn't want to travel.
Speaker 1:Oh, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:For sure. I definitely would want to be with somebody who not saying that we need to like take a trip every week or every month or every year, but well, every year, but definitely somebody who's more adventurous.
Speaker 2:Yeah, someone who isn't like open-minded to learn, to learn new things, oh for sure. Yeah, I think that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 1:Someone who doesn't take accountability.
Speaker 2:What do you do if your girlfriend doesn't like your best friend or friends? Ooh Ooh, if your girlfriend doesn't like your best friend or friends, that's a hard one. It depends on why they don't like them. And if you see this relationship going further, if you don't see the relationship going further, who the hell cares Like? Who cares Like you don't like my friends, oh well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but if you do.
Speaker 2:If you do and you need to find out the why. Now, if they don't like your best friend because your best friend's like a cheater and the fear is you birds of a feather flock together, then justifiably I get that, but would you?
Speaker 1:I don't know I don't agree with that. Why? Because just because my friend is not being faithful to whomever they're with doesn't mean that I'm going to do the same. That's true?
Speaker 2:That is true, because when I was cheating I was just a cheater. My best friend wasn't Like. I don't necessarily believe that that is true. So you think if your best friend is a big old cheater, that doesn't make you wouldn't get influenced in any way. No not no, because.
Speaker 1:So what would you do if your girlfriend was like I don't want you hanging out with so-and-so. First of all, why?
Speaker 2:because they're a cheater. What's your? Well, I don't think that that's. But do you, do you trust me? Oh, you would play the trust card. But it's true, and I say, yeah, I trust you, but I don't trust your friend that's, that's on them, that's not me.
Speaker 1:okay, like I've been friends with people who they have cheated and they have been. You know they do stuff and I don't do it. I'm not there to partake in what they're doing, that's true. So, no, I don't agree with that. But I do think that if your partner doesn't like your best friend, for whatever reason, and whether it's because sometimes your partner doesn't like your best friend, because your best friend mistreats you right, or they're not being a good friend to you, or they have, I don't know, done things to hurt you in a lot of ways, and because they are your partner, you vent to them and you tell them these things right.
Speaker 1:Same as the roles reversed right, like I come to you and I tell you all these things about my partner and then you start to acquire a taste about my partner and now you're like well, I don't really like like rift between these relationships and these friendships between my partner and my friend, because all they're thinking about is all the wrong that they've done. So I don't know, I think it gets a little tricky there, because at the same time you should tell them all the good that they do too, so that you're kind of evening the play You're balancing it out, balancing it out I agree with you there, and also, I think that there are things that maybe you just don't share.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you don't want to feed that seed. But again, if they're your best friend, then they understand and they're going to support you no matter what. And if they're your partner, who wants to be with you long term and in a healthy relationship, they know how much your friend means to you, so then they make an effort as well. Yeah, I agree. Like I think that if both people matter to you, I think that at some point you're just going to have to let that water pass under the bridge and move forward and say, okay, I love this person so much though, so I'm going to make the effort with their friend and we're going to get along, and maybe we'll move past this and maybe it'll just be like water under the bridge.
Speaker 1:If it was an incident, or if it was like something that they did to the partner that they didn't like, or whatever, and vice versa, you know, and you kind of move past it. If it's something that happens that I think is irreconcilable, I went for it and I did not deliver. Irreconcilable, irreconcilable, no, irreconcilable, whatever that is. You then have to make a decision, right, like what do you do, because at that point you have to decide. And so be awkward, you know, yeah, and you have to decide, and you have to break that awkwardness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then like, if you want to get together for dinners and stuff, it'd be hard to manage all that, yeah, that's why you have to break the awkwardness. You got to figure it out.
Speaker 1:You got to figure it out. You got to break the awkwardness, make it all okay again, yeah. And then, slowly but surely, I feel like things eventually start to you know, yeah, fizzle out.
Speaker 2:I agree. Next question what do you do if your friend is lying about her relationship? Lying how they weren't specific on how but like lying, like not telling you that they're in a relationship, I'm assuming.
Speaker 1:I think that if you're in some sort of situationship and you're not willing or wanting to be out with it, for whatever reason, that is that person's prerogative to tell or not to tell, and tell when they're ready to tell. I think that some people don't speak about things for multiple reasons, whether it's they're not sure of where the relationship is going, so they don't want to tell people yet, or they, you know, are not willing to be out yet because they don't have, you know, whatever mutual agreement they have with each other about wanting to be out. I don't know. I think that there's a lot of different reasons. I think sometimes people want to see where things go first and then they, you know, open up to their friends. I don't know what that question is specific to.
Speaker 2:What if you're lying about your relationship or you're keeping it from your friend? Your friend finds out. However they find out and it's not through you, would your friend have every right to be hurt, Especially if they consider themselves a close friend of yours? That's a hard one.
Speaker 1:Um, I think that's justifiably I think it's justified to be hurt. I mean, I I understand that the person would be hurt. I also understand that the other friend has their reasons as to why they didn't share. So I would hear them out and I would be like, okay, why? You know what happened. Why didn't you tell me? Why have you held this on? Maybe that friend isn't a trustworthy friend?
Speaker 2:So then, why are they your friend?
Speaker 1:You know. But no, you have all different kinds of friends and sometimes there are friends that you know are gossipy or chismosas, and they're the kind of friends you know. But no, you have all different kinds of friends, and sometimes there are friends that you know are gossipy or chismosas, and they're the kind of friends that you know like. You can tell them a lot of things, you can have the best of times with them. They're ride or die, but you don't tell them certain things unless you want the whole village to know. Okay, fine.
Speaker 2:Those are the friends that aren't expecting to hear the news. But it's what about the friend that isn't that, that is close to you? And then she finds out another way and she's hurt. And then the explanation is well, I didn't know where the relationship was going so I didn't want to tell you. But for them they feel hurt because they're like but it doesn't matter, I'm your friend. Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1:Maybe the person who didn't tell them didn't want to feel judged. You know, maybe they thought I respect you so much, and your your opinion, that I didn't want to feel judged and I didn't know how to tell you or when to tell you, or you know. So I kept it to myself for a period of time and I'm sorry you found out this way, but I X, y and Z. Okay, Fair enough, you know, like I think that there are different ways that this plays out and there are different ways that one can approach it. Yeah, there are different ways.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I don't know that I would be mad. I would probably be a little hurt, but I don't know that I'd be mad.
Speaker 2:I would be hurt and I think, depending on the reasoning and how intense the situationship is, yeah, I think that would determine. But what if?
Speaker 1:it's like a really sticky situation.
Speaker 2:So you could have told me, so I could help you. Unstick it. Duh, what do we you know? Okay, unstick it. Okay, you can't, so you could have told me so I could help you. Unstick it. Duh, what do we you know? Okay, unstick it. Okay, all right.
Speaker 1:All right, we're going to wrap this episode up here, yes, and we will catch you guys on the next one. Thank you so much for tuning in. Later booze, later booze. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the let's say more podcast. If you can, please show your love and support by writing a review on apple podcast, rating us on spotify and, of course, spreading the word and sharing us with your community. We would greatly appreciate it. The podcast is produced by yours truly, solange aurelio and ava mozafari, and edited by myself as well. Solange aurelio.
