Lez Say More Podcast
Welcome to Lez Say More: the podcast where your favorite duo of best friends—together for over 20 years—gets real about the queer community. Join us every Wednesday as we dive into everything from health and wellness, to fashion, relationships, sex - and even the occasional celebrity gossip. With our trademark humor and brutal honesty, we’re here to share stories, laughs, and insights about the (queer) modern life and all the fabulousness it has to offer. Whether you're part of the community or just curious, grab your favorite drink and join the conversation—because we promise to keep it funny, relatable, and absolutely unfiltered!
Lez Say More Podcast
Dating Someone with Kids: Yay or Nay?
We dive into the complex world of dating people with children, exploring the challenges and rewards of entering relationships where kids are already part of the package.
• Whether dating someone with children is a deal-breaker
• How many kids is too many when considering a potential partner
• The importance of prioritizing your relationship even when children are involved
• How age of the children impacts your ability to establish parental authority
• Navigating relationships with difficult ex-partners and baby parents
• Differences between adopting children versus having biological children
• Using pet ownership as a trial run for future parenting compatibility
• Challenges of creating boundaries when assuming a step-parent role
• How to handle attachment to a partner's child if the relationship ends
• Balancing your partner's needs with their children's needs
If you want to share your experiences about modern families, co-parenting, or being a part of a blended family, we'd love to hear from you! Message us or leave a comment about your situation.
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yeah, so you'd be okay with that, you'd be okay with her having two children, but then no. But then I need to know what's the situation with the parent, the other parent, because what if you have a crazy baby father or a crazy baby mother like you have to deal?
Speaker 1:I'm not gonna date you voluntarily with drama hey guys, welcome back to the let's say more podcast. I am Solange, I'm Ava, and today we have a interesting topic. We're going to be talking about parenting, but also dating, not parenting, I mean. It's kind of like parenting Relationships, dating women with kids.
Speaker 2:Like would you or nah? Would you or would you not? Would you or would you nah, nah?
Speaker 1:Alright, so since one of us has more experience than the other in this topic, I mean, I dated someone with a child, yeah, but only once. I didn't marry somebody with a child. Would you date someone who already has a child? If so, how many is too many? So, would you date someone who already has a child? If so, how many is too many? So would you date somebody who had more than one child?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:We already know you would date somebody who had a child, because you married somebody who had a child.
Speaker 2:Yes, no, I'm not dating someone that has much, because one child they're already in love right once, then the other child they're in love twice and then you're trying to come in Like where would you fit in all of that? You wouldn't fit, I mean, I don't know. There are people that can make it work.
Speaker 1:But that's like that's. But so okay, figure out how I'm going to phrase this. If you are married to somebody and you have kids together, I think the husband always. How is that different?
Speaker 2:I think the husband always gets neglected, I think you have to.
Speaker 1:You have. Okay. What if it's two women that got married? The one that didn't carry the child gets neglected.
Speaker 2:I think you have to, you have to. Okay, what if it's two women that got married? The one of the one that the one that didn't carry the child gets neglected?
Speaker 1:What if they?
Speaker 2:both carried a child, then you're a fair game. But I do think that there does. I think in when a child is born, sometimes the balance shifts and the attention goes towards the child more and sometimes you are forgotten about.
Speaker 1:I think it takes communication to say hey, like yeah, I definitely think it takes work to keep the marriage or relationship, um, to bring, to keep the spark, to keep it, yeah, to keep it alive. Because a lot of times when you have kids from what I've noticed because I don't have children, I don't know this your attention and your life becomes a child and that child is forever going to be the love of your life. For most parents, and that child ends up consuming all of your time, energy, efforts and money. So you really then end up not really giving your spouse all of that time, effort, attention and money, because you have now allocated it all to this little human being that you're trying to raise and create.
Speaker 1:I do think that I'm a big advocate about putting your partners first, meaning that if you have children together, you have to prioritize your relationship Because, at the end of the day, yes, you're raising a human being, yes, that child is everything to you, but at the end of the day, that little child's going to grow up to be an adult and leave and go live the rest of their lives, and you're going to be left with your partner once again at the end of the day. So you want to have this relationship, be strong and be the forefront of also what your child sees as a healthy, loving relationship to want to mimic their future relationship.
Speaker 2:I agree.
Speaker 1:From.
Speaker 2:And if you don't treat your partner well or if you do things, then your child is either going to accept that from other people or they're going to act like you towards other people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like they obviously kids mimic what they see and you know those are experiences that they have and then they transpire in other things in their future and they do that in their own relationships at some point. So I think that having parents that love each other, have a healthy relationship, that show affection to one another, that you know give each other that love, is really important. Also, seeing your parents like resolve, conflict and all of those things are important to see and experience as a child. But a lot of times that's not what happens. But if you are, you know, prioritizing your relationship and when I say prioritizing, I don't mean like put them above all, you know, but I mean like making your partner an important person in your family household, more so than the child, because the child is going to eventually grow up and leave and leave.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's the goal is you want your child to grow up and leave and start their own life and then you're part, you're still with your partner. Yeah, so like you want to be a team and united and still love, love each other and have love for each other. Because the one thing I've seen and this must be a statistic, we didn't look it up, but there's always that, like they hit 18 and all of a sudden they separate, like your child hits 18 and the parents divorce or even sooner than that.
Speaker 1:But I think it's because a lot of times or the husband starts cheating or whatever, because you know you're neglecting them or whatever. And of course, when you first have a baby, there's always that period of a mother goes through like postpartum and all of that and it's really hard and I can't even imagine. But after that I think that you know, women just get really wrapped up in their babies yeah, they do, and their children.
Speaker 2:I don't want to come in between that. I know women that have more than one. I know women that have like four or five kids. Their kids are everything. I can't even imagine them being with someone new.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I guess it's different. If it's like you and your partner have a child, right, then you want to prioritize your relationship and you raise your child together and the whole thing you have like mutual input on that. But if you meet somebody, if you have three kids, who has three kids.
Speaker 2:If you have three kids, yeah, and I meet you and you're meet somebody.
Speaker 1:If you have three kids, who has three kids?
Speaker 2:If you have three kids and I meet you and you're like yeah, I have three kids, they're five, seven and 13. Okay, no, I'm not dating you.
Speaker 1:I'm not dating you.
Speaker 2:Because you got one that's a teenager and then you got two more that are about to be a teenager. They're going to hate. They're gonna hate.
Speaker 1:They're not gonna like me yeah, but also, like I think there's this, so there's an age, right? Like I think that there's. I guess it depends, because once you start to get older, like around our age, it's hard to find people who are young. No, I'm saying it's hard to find people who are young. No, I'm saying it's hard to find people who have not had children already. Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2:But I'm not saying if I was single now it'd be different.
Speaker 1:Right, but so there's gonna be people who have had children. Yeah that you start dating right now. The question is how many is too many? You're saying more than one is too many for you. Yeah, that's my preference, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with having your own preference, but you're also saying that there. It sounds like you're saying that there's also an age limit. Yeah, so like if.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Let's say you meet a woman and her child is, I don't know 19, 20. She has, like let's say, two kids. They're both in their twenties. Are you okay with that?
Speaker 2:Depends on how cool the kids are. Oh my God, right Cause like what if the kid? What if they're very protective over their mom?
Speaker 1:What if they're in college?
Speaker 2:And here you come infiltrating on their mother and they're like nah, I don't like. Do you know how hard that is on the person you're trying to date when the kid doesn't want? You around yeah so why do I even? Why?
Speaker 1:Okay, let's say I have a choice. Let's say the kids are cool, all right, then maybe Okay. So now let's say you meet a woman and she has a four-year-old and a six-year-old.
Speaker 2:How old?
Speaker 1:is she the woman? I don't know, boo, However old you can be to have a four-year-old and a six-year-old.
Speaker 2:I mean, she'd have to be closer. You like them young, so no, I only like one young.
Speaker 1:That's the only exception, let's say she's in her early 30s.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Okay, late 30s yeah.
Speaker 2:She'd have to be older. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:So you'd be okay with that, you'd be okay with her having two children?
Speaker 2:No, but then I need to know what's the situation with the parent. Oh my God, because what if you have a crazy baby father or a crazy baby mother Like you have to deal? I'm not going to date you voluntarily with drama. I'm not doing that Like if I know it's about to be drama on to the next. I don't need to deal with that, okay. So why put myself in that?
Speaker 2:Right, so there's an age limit, there's an age limit baby, the baby parent uh-huh it, limit and how many limit okay, okay, what about you?
Speaker 1:what if she was like filthy rich and she had like I don't know five kids, but she was like loaded, so she had danny, she had everything. What do I get out of it?
Speaker 2:the royal treatment if I was a gold digger, yeah, I'd be down, but I'm not a gold digger.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you current situation in this day, in this day and age, you would do it, I'd consider it, you'd consider it five kids, five kids.
Speaker 2:She's a millionaire with like a house in Dubai at this point you can't even be a millionaire.
Speaker 1:You need to be a billionaire, she's a millionaire with like a house in Dubai.
Speaker 2:At this point, you can't even be a millionaire, you need to be a billionaire. She's a billionaire. Five children, five children. Where's the ex-husband? He died. He's dead.
Speaker 1:He was 90 something. He died. He's dead. Here comes the launch.
Speaker 1:Now I personally I mean, I've only dated one person with a child, and he was a little baby boy, not baby, but he was like I think four, maybe three and a half four, when I met him. Well, what about now? That was a very difficult situation for me. Okay, because I got really attached to him. So for me it's different. Like, for me, dating somebody with kids is a different kind of perspective now that I have on it, because I dated somebody with a child, it was very difficult for me to then separate myself from that child. So I think now I would prefer someone that does not have children.
Speaker 2:But if, if it's a woman, she has one child, is that okay? I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't think that I could Two. No, definitely not.
Speaker 2:What if they were older, 19, 20?
Speaker 1:Same question. I mean, if they're older I'd be more open to it because they're kind of like they're adults at this point. Okay, you know it's not. I'm not open to it because they're kind of like they're adults at this point. Okay, you know it's not. I'm not chasing a child, I'm not changing diapers, I'm not getting attached in that way and raising this kid to then have this kid, like, taken away from me.
Speaker 2:Oh, because you feel like it'd be temporary.
Speaker 1:No, not that it would be temporary. I just think that, because of my past experience with somebody with a child, I felt really heartbroken because of the child, but also I think I didn't feel, though, that I wasn't prioritized, like I didn't feel that, you know, like, oh, she didn't love me as much as much, or she, you know, put her child before me, like my relationship wasn't like that. I know that there are people that are in relationships and they end up feeling that way, but I think it was also because I was very much understanding that she is a mother and this is her child and this is her priority. Yeah, but I think now where I'm at in my life, now I don't think I would want to date somebody that had kids. I would much rather have a child with my partner.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, yeah, I agree with you I would much rather we have a child together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have a child with my partner, yes, yeah, yeah, I agree with you. Like, I would much rather like we have a child together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want a child.
Speaker 1:Because I feel like when you have, when you date somebody who has kids, especially when they're little kids, things get a little difficult. Like you're, in a way, you end up co-parenting but then, like you're not really allowed to co-parent I don't know, but then, like you're not really allowed to co-parent I don't know. It's like this weird.
Speaker 2:There's certain things you can't make decisions on.
Speaker 1:Right, and that's like a little difficult for me to like. So I have a question. Yes, how do you navigate your role in someone else's child's life when you are a parent and when you are just their mom's girlfriend?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I navigated just fine. I just got really close with the child and I think that Fernanda saw that I had a good heart and I was like fun and I was genuine.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It wasn't easy, you know, because you can't discipline them a certain way.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because it goes against how they, the parent, wants to raise them. But if you have an open line of communication and you explain why, and then it's all about trust, like Fernanda had to trust me enough to know, like okay all those intentions are right. Like now I can discipline Mel to an extent I wouldn't hit Mel, but like I know that that's off limits.
Speaker 2:I know that, like, ultimately, if I said I wanted Mel to go to this school, fernanda has to say so. Ultimately, if I said I didn't want Mel to wear that skirt, they'd just both sneak it behind my back. But for the most part I mean, I get on Mel, I think a fair amount, and Fernanda allows it. I get on Mel, I think a fair amount, and Fernanda allows it. There was a point where Fernanda didn't allow it and she would get really protective over Mel and I think when she saw that me getting upset with Mel didn't change mine and Mel's bond, that, like, mel didn't end up hating me and I didn't treat Mel any different. We just I got in her butt about something and then we moved on.
Speaker 1:When Fernanda started to witness that, she was like, oh okay, I think it also depends on, like, the kid's age, like when you first meet them.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because if you enter a kid's life, your partner's child's life, when they're infants, they're going to see you as the other parent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, it's more like your partner is going to feel a certain way about you being or not being an authoritative figure in some way. Yeah, that's a conversation I think that you have with your partner some way. Yeah, that's a conversation I think that you have with your partner. But if your child is a little older and your child I don't know, let's say, is like four or five years old, six years old, I think, at that point they're still young enough to pretty much like see you as their parent as they get older. But I think that then there are like certain boundaries that you know your partner will probably want to instill. Yeah, or like they feel a certain way about it because they've been this child's parent, either alone or with somebody else, at some point. And then I think when they're older, it's different, because if you have a teenager and then you come into the picture and you're trying to reprimand their teenager, yeah, that's, that's different, I think in a whole other. Yeah, like ballpark.
Speaker 2:Because at that point you've already established your dominance with your child and you've already established your set of rules and what you want. And then someone else is kind of coming in and they're bringing in their childhood stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not going to blend. Well, I mean it might, I don't know anyone that's done it.
Speaker 1:I definitely think age matters.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't see myself going into Fernanda's life now. Well, actually Mel has a lot of me too yeah, because you got, because I got at three.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got her at three. Well, you got her.
Speaker 2:You entered her life at three if you didn't, I entered her life now at 13, uh-huh yeah, mel wouldn't, mel wouldn't respect me that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:like there's like different. I think there there are different ages in children's lives where you can enter and you're kind of like, okay, I'm going to coast, yeah, and I'll be a parent and I can probably get away with like actually being more of like a parent figure to this kid, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like, let's say, your partner was like listen, you can parent as much as you want to parent or as little as you want to parent.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that at that point, if there's little, you can get away with a lot, because they're going to look at you as a parent yeah. But when they're older and they can distinguish the difference between the two, I think it gets a little harder.
Speaker 2:Yeah, mel would. Mel's a type, I think, any 13-year-old Even I'm thinking about my niece, if my sister started dating someone and Hannah was 13,. No, I think it might be hard at first, it's going to take a while.
Speaker 1:It would take a while. It might be hard at first. I mean, it's going to take a while, it would take a while.
Speaker 1:I was my my parents divorced when I was 10 ish and my mom started dating someone when I was 10 ish and it it was really hard. I did not take to. I did not take to him at all for a really, really, really long time, if ever really. But it was kind of like no, like you can't tell me what to do, you can't you know. Like as that kid, I felt that way. I felt like you're, there's a boundary and you're crossing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you would probably have to like, not tell the kid what to do and you would probably have to just be their friend. And then later on in life, maybe yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:yeah, I think it does depend on on when you enter and I think time tells like, the longer you're with this person, the longer you're in this child's life and if they have to see how you treat their parent yeah, yeah, yeah yeah 100 um, okay, so call me mommy, or nah.
Speaker 2:No, no, you have your own mom, you have your own dad.
Speaker 1:So what if they are little and they want to call you mom?
Speaker 2:No, I taught Mel when she was little that I'm of.
Speaker 1:What if they're like little babies?
Speaker 2:How little.
Speaker 1:Like, let's say, she was like little like eight months old when you met her.
Speaker 2:Because I'm not Like I'd make that. She can make that decision on her own, but I'm not going to influence it If she made it on her own and that's what she wanted to call me. First of all. She can't call me mom because she already has a mom.
Speaker 1:Why can't she have two moms? You can be mom and ma.
Speaker 2:But I'm not, her, but I'm not.
Speaker 1:Oh well, I don't care. I would be like call me whatever you want. Well, that's why she called me ma. She figured it out. If she wanted to call me mom, I would be open to it. If she wanted to call me something else, I'd be open to it.
Speaker 2:She figured it out. She gave me the best nickname I mean, if they're teenagers, I don.
Speaker 1:They're not calling you mom, that they even want to call you.
Speaker 2:They're calling you by your full name.
Speaker 1:Call me mom, get the fuck out of here.
Speaker 2:They're going to give you the finger. Mom, this how would you handle a difficult ex when kids are involved? What do you mean? A difficult ex Like a crazy baby father or a crazy baby?
Speaker 1:oh, I don't know. I mean, luckily, in my situation, the ex that I dated that had a child the baby daddy was not in the picture. He lived in another country, okay, but apparently he was crazy. Um, I think that that's more common than we know of. I think a lot of people have like a crazy ex or a very like I don't know involved ex, but you kind of that's. The other thing is like, if you choose to date somebody with a child, you have to ask questions whether or not the other parent is involved, how involved are they? What's the situation? So I don't, I mean, I don't know. I think that that's where you start to like really have to think about if you want to put yourself in that situation because, let's say, you were dating somebody and you knew that they had kids, but then they tell you, yeah, like, my ex and I were like really good friends, we co-parent, you know, but they've been broken up for many, many years and but they have like a blended family. Is that something that you would be okay with?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't. I don't know if I'd be okay with that. Don't know, I don't, I don't know if I'd be okay with that. I think I got really lucky in my situation. You know, he, he wasn't he. He was never a problem. I mean, even to this day, like he's, I don't know, I didn't have any issues with him. I mean, he knows who I am. I've been around him, um I, so it's like it's hard for me. I think I got really lucky with the journey that I took. I think that if I was with someone that had a crazy ex I don't think because again, I feel like it's a volunteer, you're volunteering yourself for that situation why would I put myself there?
Speaker 1:Well, like I think about, for example, like Bruce Willis and Demi Moore Okay, right, like they've both moved on, yeah, but they have kids together and they're very much in each other's lives.
Speaker 1:I mean, they spend holidays together, they all get together, they're you know, the wives are friends. Yeah, you know, I'm totally for a modern family in that sense, like if you can put your stuff aside and move on and like be in this like place where everybody gets along and you're in a healthy relationship with a new partner and that new partner understands that this person is involved because you have children together and you want to give your children the experience of having Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate together as a family. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think more power to you if you can do that. I mean, lesbians do it all the time they break up and then they're friends, right, like many, many years later they're like oh yeah, we dated a bajillion years ago. So like, why can't that be the same thing with people with children? Yeah, that makes sense, you know.
Speaker 2:But I do think it's a little weird sometimes for people who are not in that, who have never really like dated anybody with a child, or yeah, yeah, it could be If he was in a relationship and Mel had like half brother or half sister, right, I don't know if I would be okay with everyone hanging out.
Speaker 2:Integrating. I think, as long as you know, I trust it where there weren't any boundaries crossed, then I mean, and we're all getting along and Mel gets to be around everyone. You know, unfortunately that's not the situation. Yeah, but you know, I can see it in all different ways with that, see it in all different ways with that. But I don't know anyone that has like crazy baby mama. I mean I'm sure I'm pretty sure. Fernandez told me some stories about people that she's known but like none of them are coming to mind.
Speaker 1:I don't know anybody with like crazy. I know people that are in like modern family situations, you know like, where they're kind of like we're not together but we're raising our children together kind of situation, but I don't know anybody who's in a I have a crazy ex who?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know anyone Like.
Speaker 1:I can't think of anyone Also like being the person who has the kids with a crazy ex and then you're trying to date. That must be rough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how would you do that?
Speaker 1:Because then you're like dude, like leave me alone, I'm trying to date You're scaring all my potentials off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they probably wouldn't let them date anyone. I'm trying you're scaring all my potentials off. Probably wouldn't let them date anyone.
Speaker 1:I'm like I already have these two minions. That's enough to like scare anybody off, I know.
Speaker 2:That's great, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's gotta be hard.
Speaker 2:I have to think to see if I know anyone. Is it different when gay couples split and they have to co-parent? Do you think it's any different Than a straight couple? Yeah, like a lesbian couple who had a child together and then they split up and then they have to co-parent.
Speaker 1:I don't think that it's any different than any other relationship I do think that the only difference would be, in my opinion, that you probably end up having a more amicable co-parenting experience, like I think. I don't know why, but I get the feeling that, like, if you have two moms in a situation, they break up and you, I don't know start dating other people, like that'll be more of a You're living in la-la land.
Speaker 2:Women are crazy.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I mean I've seen some people who like I mean on social media, not anyone. I know, but but that's because I don't really know any gay couples that have kids other than like you. But it's not she's not mine, she's not yours. But I mean like no, I don't know. Oh, other than my friends too, jackie and Amanda, who just had their second baby.
Speaker 2:But again.
Speaker 1:I mean, they're together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we don't know anyone, so I don't know anybody who's separated, who has kids. I think women are crazy, so I don't know. I mean.
Speaker 1:Listen, I think, like any initial breakup, it's difficult, no-transcript. So yeah, I could see that happening more with women than with a man and a woman. I feel like with a man and a woman that there's more um dominance and the man is more likely to be like I don't want you, but you can't have anybody else either.
Speaker 2:Oh boo, oh boo. You don't know the Latin women. You don't know the Latin women.
Speaker 1:I do think Latin women are the same in that sense. Like I do think there are women that will say, yeah, I can't, I don't want you, but you can't have anyone else either. Trust me, not just.
Speaker 2:Latin women, women there's a lot of women in general that are like that.
Speaker 1:But I think that I'm talking about like straight couples and gay couples. I do think it's more problem like more probable that in a gay couple you're going to have a more successful more probable that in a gay couple you're going to have a more successful what do you call it? Modern family, co-parenting experience, I don't know Than in a straight relationship. That's just my opinion.
Speaker 2:That's your opinion.
Speaker 1:I don't know. We should take a poll. We should take a poll and see what that your opinion is not incorrect. What that is, you know, I'm curious to know. I mean I'm curious to know, I mean I would love to have we don't, I don't know a gay couple that has separated, and that whole thing.
Speaker 1:So I don't know if there's a gay couple out there that wants to come on or somebody who was part of a gay couple. I don't know, unless you're in a modern family or you know a straight person who has, who is currently living in a modern situation.
Speaker 2:I just thought of a straight person that I know that just separated or is taking a break, god I don't want to say because she watches the show. I don't want to say anything because I don't want to put her stuff out there.
Speaker 1:No, but she can come on and put it on herself. She could come on.
Speaker 2:She actually does want to come on for something. But she could.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would have to talk to her Well if it is a topic she's willing to chat about. There is a topic that she's actually willing to chat about, we can definitely talk about it. Yeah, because I'm curious to know. It's something that I think we can definitely have a segment on.
Speaker 2:I think so too, all right. Would you rather I already know the answer to this? Okay, what the people don't know, I think they should know by now. But would you rather raise a pet or a child?
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, let me say this I recently, on Saturday, had, I went to a baptism of a friend's baby and it was the first time I met the new nugget and he I think he's like seven months old. He was the yummiest thing in the world. I carried him the entire, pretty much the entire night and day, but mostly the night. I my biceps were on fire the next day Like I was insanely sore, like I didn't realize carrying 17 pounds all night long was going to feel that way. So I have a newfound appreciation for mothers and their strength. But I was just like enamored with this yumminess, this little nugget. He was so yummy, this yumminess, this little nugget. He was so yummy. But I in that moment thought if a stork landed on my doorstep and dropped a baby off, I'd be open, but would I actively?
Speaker 2:go seek a baby? No, but you put it into the universe.
Speaker 1:But would I actively go seek pets? Yes, yes, 100%, I know you would. But Luna, to me is that like yumminess, that little she's my child.
Speaker 2:Yeah, luna, oh mama, oh yeah, all right. Do you think pets are a trial run for parenting?
Speaker 1:Listen, I don't care what anybody says. I do genuinely think that, yes, of course, having a dog is easier than having a child, but I do think that it is a good trial run in the sense that if you, especially between two partners because I realized this when I got Luna their parenting skills and parenting differences that you and your partner have, even with an animal, that will translate later into having a child, and if you're not on the same page with certain things, then that's going to translate into having a child and then you're not going to be on the same page with your child. And I think that, yes, I definitely think that if you're raising a pet together and you can raise a pet together happily and like not have any issues, then that's kind of the precursor to like possibly what your future with a child could look like got it I.
Speaker 2:I agree with you on yeah if you were to break up. Who gets the dog? Oh God.
Speaker 1:I, okay, I had a partner, a dog, with my partner. So obviously Luna was mine and my partner's. At some point I kept Luna because, honestly, I mean, I was the one that advocated for her in the beginning Like I wanted her. I think it was also because of, like, what happened with my mom and the whole thing and why I went to even get a little companion. But I think that the person who either is more present in the animal's life, like there's always going to be someone that the dog kind of leans more towards. But I also think whoever ends up staying in the home that you're in maybe could be something too, because the animal's used to that.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I think it's different for everyone. Yeah, animals used to that. I don't know, I think it's different for everyone, you know, but in my current situation I was in a little bit more of a stable situation than my partner. So I kept her and also, like I had the ability to care for her a little bit more than my partner. I think I don't know if that's maybe necessarily, you know, true for everyone, but that's the way I saw it.
Speaker 2:No, I think that's a good breakdown of that and whoever wants to keep her.
Speaker 1:I mean, if you both want to keep the dog, then I guess or the pet Visitation rights, then yeah, but I don't. I was not about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I don't think that you should split visitations on an animal? I don't think that you should. Like that just gets weird and murky and like this isn't a child. There is a difference. Yeah, you know. Yes, animals are like children to a lot of people. I mean she's like my child, but I would not. At that point I was like okay, like what can we do here? So that I mean I offered her, hoping that she would say no. She said no. Thank God, now you have her, but yeah, Okay.
Speaker 2:Would you want to adopt a child? Why or why not?
Speaker 1:Why or why not? Well, considering I'm inching into more into my 40s every year, I don't think and I'm also not necessarily somebody that would want to carry a child I would be open to adopting a kid if that's something that I decide to do at some point in my life. At this point in my life I don't really care to have children, I think, because it's just not where I'm at. Yeah, but again, if a stork landed on my doorstep and left a baby, I would take that baby in, okay.
Speaker 2:I don't want to adopt one. I want to have one of my own. I feel like when you adopt one, you're taking in their trauma and, depending on the age right, and I feel like, unfortunately, our foster care system is not the best.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I also think that we, like there are so many children in this world that deserve love and deserve affection and deserve, you know, a healthy, good household, and so many kids that end up having such amazing lives that are adopted. So for me I would say that's not a thing. For me I would definitely adopt any child regardless. But I do think that, yeah, of course everybody comes with some sort of trauma.
Speaker 2:You have to be built to handle their trauma, though.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you have to have the ability to parent a child. It's like having a kid with special needs to like. You have to be able to navigate what comes with having a kid. But that's like if you had a baby, your own blood, and that baby turned out a certain way you know whether it was mental health, trauma, whatever. I mean, you're still going to parent that kid regardless of what you know, whatever shit came up. So I feel that's kind of the same thing the way I see it with a child that I'm going to adopt you know, but when you're adopting, you're voluntarily putting yourself in that position.
Speaker 2:So I personally would not want to put myself in a position where I'm not prepared.
Speaker 1:Even if it's like an infant.
Speaker 2:No, I would. It depends on the age. So an infant, yeah, but I want my own kid. I want to breed a kid with my DNA that runs around this world, and when I'm gone I have a legacy. That's what I want.
Speaker 1:I think I could do that with a child. That is not my. That you adopt one, yeah, that is or isn't my, as you've seen through Mel.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:It does not matter if they are your blood. Yeah but, yeah, they take on your influence, yes, and your love and your teachings and all of that, and they exude that and then they take that on into their life and then that becomes a like your legacy as well so if you don't, ever have a child of your own. She is still going to represent your legacy, your legacy in some way so she will.
Speaker 1:I think that to me, it doesn't matter if it's my biological child or not. Um, I think that I mean yes, of course it's beautiful to have your own biological child or not. I think that I mean yes, of course it's beautiful to have your own biological child with your partner, because that's, you know, it's a little human being you created together. Yeah, of course, beautiful. But in my opinion, I think that there are so many children out there that need love that you know whether that's a baby, like an infant, or, you know, a younger adult, or you know. Yes, it's more difficult once they get older, because they have more traumas and more issues, and at that point, I think that there's somebody equipped for that kind of child.
Speaker 2:There are a lot of people equipped for it.
Speaker 1:I'm not somebody that can probably be equipped for that. I don't think that I would want to put myself in that situation, but I would be open to adopting a little nugget if that was what I wanted to do, if I decided to have a child. At this point in time I do not want to have children. Fair enough, fair enough. Dog is enough. Maybe get Luna a couple brothers and sisters, that'd be nice. Once I have land, that would be nice though?
Speaker 2:Yeah, what's your biggest fear about parenting in a gay relationship?
Speaker 1:I think my biggest fear about parenting in a gay relationship I mean, this is something that I would probably think of if I was in a relationship where we were having a child would probably be more so my kids being bullied or being, you know, in some way judged because they have two moms that would probably be the only thing that I would be worried about would be like how they're perceived or that would they have to go through, um, but other than that, I really don't see it as anything different.
Speaker 2:You it was that you know she would get bothered about having two moms, but she went through homeschool and you're not going to find bullies on homeschool and she's going to go to high school and I think she's equipped to handle that. I'm not worried about it. I'm honestly not worried about anything at all with being with another woman and having Mel. Yeah, no, Is parenting something you want or something you feel you're expected to do?
Speaker 1:Parenting isn't something I want, it's not something I mean. When I was younger I think I wanted to have children and I felt that maternal instinct to have kids. As I've gotten older I don't necessarily feel the same way and I don't necessarily think. I think it's more like society puts it on you, like that you have to have children and you're a woman and you should procreate and you know like, but no, I don't think every, not everybody, should have children not everyone needs to have kids, not everyone needs to be a parent.
Speaker 1:It's not for everyone, do I think that there are people that could be amazing parents that have not had the opportunity to be parents? Yeah, of course, but there's just as many people who I think are parents that should have not been parents Right, ever felt pressured by. I did feel somewhat pressured to have kids when I was married, but that was slightly different. I also felt pressured to have children, like for my mom, you know, like oh, give her grandchildren, and I think that's kind of like how a lot of people feel sometimes, like it's for their parents because they come from a different generation. But I just never really felt that absolute need to be a parent. I think that if it happens for me, then great, I'll do my best and I'll try to be the best parent I can be, but if it doesn't happen for me, I'm okay, I'm a pretty damn good dog mom.
Speaker 2:You are a good dog, mom.
Speaker 1:So I'm okay with that too. So what is something you wish someone would have told you before dating somebody with a child?
Speaker 2:Um that you should trust the child more. Oh, okay, you should trust that they'll make the right choices, that you've set a good enough example for them to know what not to do or what to do in certain situations.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that, like everything that you do, from them being three to even 13, they pick up on. So watch your tone, yeah. Watch how you speak to people. Yeah, watch how you treat people.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, Watch how you speak to people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, watch how you treat people.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, Kids see everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially how you talk, because then the worst thing is when you hear them talk like that to someone else. Yeah, it's gross.
Speaker 1:I know, especially when they start picking up all your curse words and you're like, where did you learn?
Speaker 2:that oh yeah, no, she doesn't do any of the curse words. I mean, I hope not. I hope not.
Speaker 1:Alright, guys, we're going to wrap this episode up and we will catch you guys on the next one. Let us know if there are any topics or anything you guys want us to talk about. Drop it in the comments or send us a message. We love the feedback.
Speaker 2:Yep, or if you want to come on and talk about some topics yeah, if you're a parent or you know a crazy baby mama, crazy baby mama if you are the crazy baby mama.
Speaker 1:If you are the crazy baby mama we're open we got a chair for you.
Speaker 1:Yes, we do. Catch you guys on the next one later. Booze, bye, booze. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the let's say more podcast. If you can, please show your love and support by writing a review on apple podcast, rating us on spotify and, of course, spreading the word and sharing us with your community, we would greatly appreciate it. The podcast is produced by yours truly, solange aurelio and ava mozafari, and edited by myself as well, solange aurelio.
