Distraction Dive

Semi-scripted, occasionally well researched deep dives by two STEM background straight dudes who are too into their feelings. Expect random tangents, mild existential crises, and way too much time spent dissecting their feelings, sometimes followed up with an MLA styled bibliography about it.

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Distraction Dive

Neurodivergence II

March 21, 2025 • TrueRedRevenge & Naam del Apiz • Season 1 • Episode 11

Today is the day to take a dive into the hilarious and heartfelt world of ADHD with Del and Red.

In this episode, they share their personal diagnosis journeys. From Del’s early-life diagnosis to Red’s later-in-life "aha" moment, and unpack their favorite (and least favorite) symptoms. Whether it’s hyperfixations, time blindness, or the eternal struggle to adult, no stone (including politics) is left unturned in this laugh-out-loud, deeply relatable conversation. This episode is equal parts comedy, camaraderie, and chaos.

Tune in for the laughs, and stay for the "wait, that’s not just me?!" moments.

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00;00;06;21 - 00;00;09;01
Speaker 1
Okay. The mics are hot.

00;00;09;04 - 00;00;12;12
Speaker 2
My name is Del. Welcome to distraction dive.

00;00;13;15 - 00;00;21;12
Speaker 2
I am, and this is true currently learning what schadenfreude is in the very best way. And I am contractually obligated not to explain.

00;00;21;12 - 00;00;37;12
Speaker 2
Hi, my name is schadenfreude and I am currently learning what Red is in the best way. And I am totally able and willing to take questions. But you'll be too afraid to ask them. You won't know where to begin. The universe begins to spiral as you try to think of questions. Any questions? Good questions, bad questions in between.

00;00;37;14 - 00;00;46;16
Speaker 2
You'll never know why I am the way I am, or why you are the way that you are. You'll never find the right questions. You'll never find the right answers. All good things. And just as all bad things end

00;00;46;16 - 00;00;48;17
Speaker 2
your reality collapses beneath you, you fall

00;00;48;17 - 00;00;52;02
Speaker 1
but yet you feel still. Right. Until. You drop.

00;00;52;05 - 00;00;52;14
Speaker 3
The

00;00;52;14 - 00;00;52;28
Speaker 3
only difference

00;00;52;29 - 00;00;59;26
Speaker 2
Between my internal monologue and what you just produced is that it's slightly like it. Mine's slightly louder.

00;01;00;19 - 00;01;05;21
Speaker 2
Oh, fuck. Where am I? It's louder than that. Jesus, I blacked out, I fucked him.

00;01;05;23 - 00;01;07;06
Speaker 1
I'm sure you.

00;01;07;06 - 00;01;09;16
Speaker 3
Did. I everybody who you are.

00;01;09;18 - 00;01;12;15
Speaker 2
I I'm red. As far as I remember.

00;01;12;17 - 00;01;16;10
Speaker 3
You killed me. When you introduce yourself a shot in.

00;01;16;12 - 00;01;18;08
Speaker 1
It couldn't help it.

00;01;18;11 - 00;01;20;15
Speaker 3
Dude, you had me straight up in the first half.

00;01;20;15 - 00;01;23;05
Speaker 1
I'm not going to let you.

00;01;23;09 - 00;01;25;24
Speaker 2
I just love a good existential bit.

00;01;25;27 - 00;01;26;00
Speaker 1
It

00;01;26;00 - 00;01;32;17
Speaker 1
good. I it and it's true. I meant what I said about my internal monologue, but. Oh, speaking of my internal monologue, that's actually a.

00;01;32;17 - 00;01;33;23
Speaker 2
Very apt segue.

00;01;34;04 - 00;01;37;05
Speaker 1
Guess what we're talking about more today.

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Speaker 3
today.

00;01;38;11 - 00;01;43;15
Speaker 2
I know it's about neurodivergent. I don't know what exactly you want to talk about.

00;01;43;23 - 00;01;44;15
Speaker 1
so last time we got.

00;01;44;15 - 00;01;45;15
Speaker 2
Into the series,

00;01;45;15 - 00;01;49;03
Speaker 2
did a narrative version this episode. We did our Prolog. We gave just the tip

00;01;49;18 - 00;01;51;26
Speaker 2
The we did this is true.

00;01;52;04 - 00;01;54;07
Speaker 1
we started with that Prolog and then we did.

00;01;54;07 - 00;01;56;15
Speaker 2
The neurodivergent episode, which was a lot.

00;01;56;15 - 00;02;01;17
Speaker 1
More, you know, like try there's theory in it, the science in it. There's science.

00;02;01;17 - 00;02;05;26
Speaker 2
science that was oddly validating, actually.

00;02;05;28 - 00;02;08;03
Speaker 3
Guess what it is today. You have to guess.

00;02;08;05 - 00;02;16;08
Speaker 2
Is it more theory or is it spiraling until we're unable to physically and emotionally contain the constant pressure of disability, combined with the emotion in the chaos of the world not built for us.

00;02;16;08 - 00;02;18;01
Speaker 2
No more than usual.

00;02;18;14 - 00;02;19;13
Speaker 2
Oh shit.

00;02;19;20 - 00;02;20;07
Speaker 2
What are we doing?

00;02;20;07 - 00;02;20;15
Speaker 3
It's

00;02;20;15 - 00;02;20;25
Speaker 2
story time.

00;02;20;25 - 00;02;22;12
Speaker 1
So I, I kind of.

00;02;22;12 - 00;02;25;06
Speaker 2
I don't know, I'm, like, obsessed in myself or something, but,

00;02;25;06 - 00;02;26;24
Speaker 3
but like, lately I'm thinking

00;02;26;24 - 00;02;34;22
Speaker 2
our idea to opt into this podcast kind of came from we were talking about our timeline and our neurodivergent journeys,

00;02;34;22 - 00;02;37;19
Speaker 2
and I think it's worth kind of getting into because,

00;02;38;04 - 00;02;40;11
Speaker 1
The difference between.

00;02;40;14 - 00;02;49;16
Speaker 2
The contrast between our neurodivergent journeys and the similarities between it's their manifestations inform a lot of the dynamic

00;02;49;16 - 00;02;50;10
Speaker 2
that, like our

00;02;50;20 - 00;02;52;12
Speaker 2
You know, I agree.

00;02;52;12 - 00;02;53;10
Speaker 1
you know, I think it's just.

00;02;53;10 - 00;02;57;01
Speaker 2
Worth getting into, like how we got our badges, our stripes,

00;02;57;01 - 00;02;58;15
Speaker 2
the brain scouts, we're the

00;02;58;15 - 00;02;59;06
Speaker 3
we're the brain scouts.

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Speaker 2
We're the brain scouts.

00;03;01;02 - 00;03;01;12
Speaker 3
I'm

00;03;01;12 - 00;03;01;27
Speaker 2
this hill.

00;03;02;12 - 00;03;05;22
Speaker 2
Okay, it's a good hill to die on. I got to be honest.

00;03;05;22 - 00;03;06;12
Speaker 1
Actually know.

00;03;06;12 - 00;03;07;11
Speaker 2
Don't. Don't say it.

00;03;07;13 - 00;03;08;05
Speaker 1
Better.

00;03;08;05 - 00;03;09;08
Speaker 1
Better question. Okay.

00;03;09;14 - 00;03;10;14
Speaker 1
Oh, no.

00;03;10;14 - 00;03;11;12
Speaker 1
Who you got?

00;03;11;12 - 00;03;13;06
Speaker 1
Brain Scouts or boy Scouts?

00;03;13;12 - 00;03;15;23
Speaker 2
I'm gonna claim Brain Scouts every time.

00;03;15;29 - 00;03;17;05
Speaker 1
Well okay.

00;03;17;08 - 00;03;18;15
Speaker 2
Home game for the Brain Scouts.

00;03;18;15 - 00;03;18;27
Speaker 3
Scouts.

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Speaker 2
Oh, okay.

00;03;20;19 - 00;03;23;27
Speaker 2
We'll come back to that. It's got to be someplace. It's, like, very neurodivergent friendly.

00;03;23;27 - 00;03;25;29
Speaker 3
friendly home game for the Boy Scouts

00;03;26;03 - 00;03;27;12
Speaker 1
Des Moines, Iowa.

00;03;27;12 - 00;03;29;17
Speaker 2
Outside of the city. Camping.

00;03;29;17 - 00;03;31;07
Speaker 1
The neutral game.

00;03;31;07 - 00;03;35;00
Speaker 2
Is for the brain Scouts is noble because it's like camping

00;03;35;00 - 00;03;47;26
Speaker 3
camping involved but there's like radiation nerd fixation train head. The possibility that they'll possibly give the field that could really like brain scouts are going to be really well situated to like know stuff about your Nolito.

00;03;47;29 - 00;03;51;22
Speaker 1
It's not the thing you put the

00;03;51;22 - 00;03;53;27
Speaker 1
game for the Brain Scouts is.

00;03;53;27 - 00;03;55;24
Speaker 2
Kind of tough. I'm not 100% sure.

00;03;55;27 - 00;03;56;23
Speaker 1
You know what, it's a.

00;03;56;23 - 00;03;57;29
Speaker 2
WWE cage match.

00;03;57;29 - 00;03;58;23
Speaker 3
because

00;03;58;24 - 00;04;00;23
Speaker 2
They're also probably prone to knowing a lot of

00;04;00;23 - 00;04;03;13
Speaker 2
encyclopedic level facts about that. And therefore, having been

00;04;03;13 - 00;04;05;19
Speaker 2
childhood fans.

00;04;05;19 - 00;04;06;21
Speaker 1
that's actually probably better.

00;04;06;21 - 00;04;10;03
Speaker 2
For the brain Scouts in the Boy Scouts, who certainly weren't allowed to watch that stuff on TV.

00;04;10;19 - 00;04;11;27
Speaker 2
Yeah. Valid.

00;04;12;04 - 00;04;12;14
Speaker 1
So

00;04;12;21 - 00;04;16;20
Speaker 2
dude, I'm going to die on the hill with you. I think Brain Scouts all the way. I think Brain Scouts clear.

00;04;16;20 - 00;04;18;01
Speaker 1
I agree, brain scouts, they're.

00;04;18;01 - 00;04;24;01
Speaker 2
Taking the WWE cage match. I think that they're going to win in Chernobyl. The Boy Scouts might win camping, but they're playing for pride at that point.

00;04;24;04 - 00;04;24;19
Speaker 1
Anyway,

00;04;24;19 - 00;04;26;05
Speaker 1
I kind of wanted to talk.

00;04;26;05 - 00;04;27;09
Speaker 2
About our stories, though,

00;04;27;09 - 00;04;29;12
Speaker 2
we talked about our diagnosis when we got it.

00;04;29;12 - 00;04;30;13
Speaker 2
to, but off. Like,

00;04;30;13 - 00;04;31;18
Speaker 3
like, I don't want to hear

00;04;31;18 - 00;04;34;24
Speaker 2
from you. And if you had ever suspected or,

00;04;34;24 - 00;04;36;04
Speaker 2
and if you did, when.

00;04;36;04 - 00;04;40;28
Speaker 2
because I think it's worth getting into just because we'll talk about this more.

00;04;40;28 - 00;04;50;20
Speaker 2
And I think knowing where we come from and where you come from and I think it's just to our advantage, it makes it more informative for me.

00;04;50;20 - 00;04;51;25
Speaker 1
You you start.

00;04;51;27 - 00;04;57;06
Speaker 2
I have plenty to say about this. I've had a much longer time to assemble the story too, so.

00;04;57;19 - 00;04;58;07
Speaker 2
Okay.

00;04;58;07 - 00;05;02;16
Speaker 2
I was probably in middle school. High school? When I noticed that

00;05;02;16 - 00;05;03;17
Speaker 2
I wasn't

00;05;03;17 - 00;05;16;16
Speaker 2
performing or doing as well as some of my counterparts who were in similar circumstances. I noticed that I wasn't processing information the same way. I noticed that I was speaking differently than they did in some regard.

00;05;16;16 - 00;05;18;00
Speaker 1
When you say what made you.

00;05;18;00 - 00;05;22;04
Speaker 2
Notice the info processing and how is speaking different? That's very interesting.

00;05;22;04 - 00;05;22;17
Speaker 3
interesting.

00;05;22;17 - 00;05;36;17
Speaker 2
I can actually give you a very specific example, and it involves you. Actually, there was a moment in time where I used the word extremities to describe hands, feet, ears, things of that nature. And you compliment you. Yeah, you complimented my use of it

00;05;36;28 - 00;05;38;02
Speaker 1
On the bus.

00;05;38;02 - 00;05;39;14
Speaker 2
No, we were actually.

00;05;39;14 - 00;05;45;07
Speaker 2
And like your first car, I think we were teenagers. It was in the dead of winter.

00;05;45;07 - 00;05;45;29
Speaker 1
I remember.

00;05;45;29 - 00;05;47;24
Speaker 2
Maybe this exchange continue the story.

00;05;48;04 - 00;05;51;07
Speaker 2
Yeah. And I remember that was the moment where,

00;05;51;07 - 00;06;13;19
Speaker 2
you weren't the first or the last person to do that, to be very clear. But you are the most memorable, I think, because you stuck around and because you, you always backed me up on my use of language and you've always complimented it. Whereas some people, especially like English teachers, were like, this is not the right way to use this word or I don't like this usage of the word.

00;06;13;19 - 00;06;20;17
Speaker 2
It doesn't have a positive connotation with it, even though the the whole sentence is positive in a way, and I just couldn't process what.

00;06;20;23 - 00;06;22;08
Speaker 1
Is is so like.

00;06;22;08 - 00;06;22;13
Speaker 3
That's

00;06;22;13 - 00;06;23;06
Speaker 1
to get

00;06;23;06 - 00;06;25;22
Speaker 1
I mean, I think it's striking because.

00;06;25;22 - 00;06;28;02
Speaker 2
It's actually a very contextualized word,

00;06;28;02 - 00;06;29;23
Speaker 1
It's dry in a way that can be.

00;06;29;23 - 00;06;30;25
Speaker 2
Striking when used in.

00;06;30;25 - 00;06;32;29
Speaker 1
Prose, but I'm a windbag.

00;06;32;29 - 00;06;34;17
Speaker 2
So of course I would say that.

00;06;34;17 - 00;06;38;04
Speaker 2
there were just a lot of times where I didn't suspect

00;06;38;04 - 00;06;40;14
Speaker 2
a diagnosis. I didn't suspect

00;06;40;14 - 00;06;51;25
Speaker 2
much because the people around me who were diagnosed were having different symptoms, and I just didn't see myself in those symptoms. But then,

00;06;51;25 - 00;06;54;27
Speaker 2
as I got older and college, especially.

00;06;55;00 - 00;06;56;15
Speaker 1
The.

00;06;56;17 - 00;07;01;15
Speaker 2
Spiraling, the anxiety, the depression all got so out of control.

00;07;01;15 - 00;07;08;24
Speaker 2
then getting out of college, I was still kind of like this angry, depressed, anxious guy.

00;07;08;24 - 00;07;11;08
Speaker 2
it got to a point where

00;07;11;08 - 00;07;19;01
Speaker 2
I was just starting to, you know, hurt the people around me. I was I was not I was not kind. I was quick to emotion.

00;07;19;01 - 00;07;22;09
Speaker 2
I was quick to passion. I always have been.

00;07;22;09 - 00;07;24;13
Speaker 2
you know, I started seeing stuff on

00;07;24;13 - 00;07;39;29
Speaker 2
YouTube and then eventually TikTok that were like, these are the symptoms I experience. I have a diagnosis and I just sort of started paying closer attention, but it still didn't push me as far as I needed to go.

00;07;39;29 - 00;07;46;12
Speaker 2
the the 2020s have been unkind to me, and so a lot of it is a blur.

00;07;46;15 - 00;07;49;03
Speaker 2
I want I want to be honest, like it's a true blur,

00;07;49;03 - 00;07;51;11
Speaker 2
have been unkind, full stop.

00;07;51;11 - 00;08;01;02
Speaker 2
2020. I flourished because I was, I was furloughed, I got to stay home. Everybody was like, don't go out. I trained for this. I'm I was prepared.

00;08;01;14 - 00;08;03;10
Speaker 2
it's literally just my comfort zone.

00;08;03;10 - 00;08;08;03
Speaker 2
then I had to go back to work and then all of this stuff happened that I don't really want to talk about on

00;08;08;03 - 00;08;11;14
Speaker 2
a podcast. It's stuff that you already know that has happened.

00;08;11;14 - 00;08;14;00
Speaker 1
so basically he fought quite.

00;08;14;00 - 00;08;18;05
Speaker 2
On Gen inside of like on Naboo and was sliced in

00;08;18;05 - 00;08;18;24
Speaker 3
in half.

00;08;18;29 - 00;08;19;16
Speaker 2
Yes.

00;08;19;16 - 00;08;25;24
Speaker 2
and so after 2021 happens, I get into 2022.

00;08;25;24 - 00;08;38;05
Speaker 2
I, you know, I lost a lot of stuff. And so I was angry a lot. And I was snapping at my family a lot. I was snapping at Holly a lot, and they asked me to go get help.

00;08;38;05 - 00;08;49;20
Speaker 2
So I start I start therapy at the end of that summer, I start therapy and at at some point you can't ignore the not doing well part, you know.

00;08;49;22 - 00;08;51;12
Speaker 3
I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh at that. It's just the way you.

00;08;51;12 - 00;08;52;19
Speaker 2
Said it's true though.

00;08;52;25 - 00;09;13;24
Speaker 2
I mean it in a funny way because that's a defense mechanism. But it's true. You if if I'm not doing well and I'm not getting better and I'm not doing anything to get better, it's clear that I needed help. So I have therapy for probably the later half of 2022. We get to January 2023, and I, I'm I haven't set up my calendar.

00;09;13;24 - 00;09;13;29
Speaker 3
For

00;09;13;29 - 00;09;16;06
Speaker 2
like ten, almost ten years that you've at least.

00;09;16;06 - 00;09;17;11
Speaker 1
Suspected

00;09;17;18 - 00;09;18;02
Speaker 1
Something. Yeah.

00;09;18;02 - 00;09;21;25
Speaker 2
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah for sure. I mean, it was probably easily

00;09;21;25 - 00;09;23;10
Speaker 2
eighth or ninth grade when the

00;09;23;10 - 00;09;24;13
Speaker 2
Your radar pinged.

00;09;24;13 - 00;09;34;26
Speaker 2
Yeah. And then it just kind of grew louder and louder, but I was ignoring it. I just thought it was because I was lazy. I thought it was because I was depressed. I thought it was because my meds weren't working.

00;09;34;26 - 00;09;37;00
Speaker 2
I was blaming anything but me.

00;09;37;00 - 00;09;55;24
Speaker 2
because it's hard. It's hard to say what the hell is wrong with me? And that's what I asked my therapist, deadpan honestly, with a desperation to know, I said, what the hell is wrong with me? And she looks at me. She takes a beat and she said, oh, I think I should tell you something, and proceeds to drop that.

00;09;55;24 - 00;09;57;09
Speaker 2
She suspects that I have inattentive

00;09;57;09 - 00;09;59;04
Speaker 2
A.D.D. or ADHD.

00;09;59;04 - 00;10;10;25
Speaker 2
pure, unadulterated inattention. I had to I had to ask her what that meant because she's like, you're clearly not hyperactive. And she starts saying she just starts talking about it like it's fact and she has it herself.

00;10;10;25 - 00;10;11;03
Speaker 3

00;10;11;06 - 00;10;11;24
Speaker 1
Yeah,

00;10;11;24 - 00;10;14;27
Speaker 2
but I, I started to kind of spiral a bit in that moment.

00;10;14;27 - 00;10;19;24
Speaker 2
I said, are you sure? Because I'm really just hoping I'm lazy and bad at being an adult.

00;10;19;24 - 00;10;20;17
Speaker 1
preferable?

00;10;21;02 - 00;10;23;08
Speaker 2
At the time it felt preferable.

00;10;23;11 - 00;10;23;15
Speaker 1
I

00;10;23;15 - 00;10;24;18
Speaker 1
Okay. Continue.

00;10;24;18 - 00;10;32;12
Speaker 2
maybe because then the sessions had to get harder, the sessions were more real. I mean, they were real already and they were,

00;10;32;12 - 00;10;32;28
Speaker 2
but

00;10;32;28 - 00;10;33;14
Speaker 1
But you had to.

00;10;33;14 - 00;10;39;00
Speaker 2
Get to the, you had to get to the core. The core, the part that you're like, I didn't want to show anybody this. I was scared to look at this myself.

00;10;39;00 - 00;10;39;15
Speaker 3
myself.

00;10;39;21 - 00;10;40;06
Speaker 2
Right.

00;10;40;06 - 00;10;51;24
Speaker 2
so I was in a lot of denial. This is before I reached out to you about this because she it sounded she said it out loud. I said it out loud. And when I say things out loud, they become more real.

00;10;51;24 - 00;10;53;23
Speaker 2
they become official

00;10;53;23 - 00;11;02;05
Speaker 2
unfortunately, it was a puzzle piece that clicked in my head that I didn't want to click because it explained so much in one moment that it was overwhelming.

00;11;02;05 - 00;11;08;01
Speaker 2
It was a very emotional session for me. It was actually even the following sessions were very emotional for me.

00;11;08;01 - 00;11;08;19
Unknown
sure.

00;11;08;19 - 00;11;20;00
Speaker 2
And so she says, well, talk to your primary and see if they'll help you out with getting tested and all these things. So I make an appointment with her and to be clear, she was trying to get me tested.

00;11;20;00 - 00;11;26;08
Speaker 2
My primary was trying to get me tested long before this, not for ADHD, but just to see if there's something else

00;11;26;24 - 00;11;31;21
Speaker 2
causing my anxiety and depression because I had been going on this medication journey

00;11;31;21 - 00;11;32;26
Speaker 2
for eons.

00;11;32;26 - 00;11;33;13
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;11;33;13 - 00;11;35;02
Speaker 2
probably since I finished,

00;11;35;02 - 00;11;38;18
Speaker 2
my freshman year of college up until about now.

00;11;38;18 - 00;11;42;05
Speaker 2
so we try to we try to get these tests, these tests scheduled.

00;11;42;12 - 00;11;57;00
Speaker 2
I get an appointment, they call me a month before and say, hey, we're permanently closing. So there was no testing available, and I wasn't able to get tested until six months later. And my primary and my therapist were like, no. He needs help now.

00;11;57;00 - 00;12;06;15
Speaker 2
So with all that in mind, I go to my primary and I say, hey, my therapist said I might have inattentive ADHD and she just goes, oh yeah, that makes sense.

00;12;06;15 - 00;12;14;02
Speaker 2
Let's try stimulants. And so she gives me she's like, I want to try you on low dose Adderall. XR and see how you do.

00;12;14;02 - 00;12;15;03
Speaker 2
last time you slept

00;12;15;03 - 00;12;15;21
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00;12;15;21 - 00;12;17;08
Speaker 2
I get home

00;12;17;08 - 00;12;18;04
Speaker 2
and I'm thinking

00;12;18;04 - 00;12;23;14
Speaker 2
maybe they're wrong. Maybe this won't work, and we have to try something else. I got so used to meds not working

00;12;23;14 - 00;12;30;10
Speaker 2
I was just expecting this not to work. But then I take it. And in about 30, 40 minutes, my brain just

00;12;30;10 - 00;12;34;08
Speaker 2
silent. I don't know how. It's not silence. It's it's.

00;12;34;12 - 00;12;35;07
Speaker 2
quiet.

00;12;35;07 - 00;12;37;09
Speaker 1
Yeah. It's calm.

00;12;38;03 - 00;12;42;18
Speaker 2
It is a surreal thing. It was a very surreal experience for me

00;12;42;18 - 00;12;47;04
Speaker 2
I became so calm that when I was watching an animated movie with Holly,

00;12;47;04 - 00;12;49;01
Speaker 2
they turned to me.

00;12;49;05 - 00;12;49;28
Speaker 1
And they.

00;12;49;28 - 00;12;50;21
Speaker 2
Were like,

00;12;50;21 - 00;12;52;20
Speaker 2
are you okay?

00;12;52;20 - 00;12;55;06
Speaker 2
like, you're asleep, right? There's no way you're dialed in

00;12;55;06 - 00;12;57;01
Speaker 2
like this, like this, this long.

00;12;57;10 - 00;13;06;14
Speaker 2
Yeah. They were like, you were been so quiet and. Are you okay? And I said, all I said, and I remember it, I said, I think it worked.

00;13;06;17 - 00;13;06;29
Speaker 3
I can.

00;13;06;29 - 00;13;07;14
Speaker 1
Think.

00;13;07;21 - 00;13;08;04
Speaker 2
I can.

00;13;08;06 - 00;13;10;19
Speaker 1
Fight, I can fart.

00;13;10;19 - 00;13;21;22
Speaker 2
After about a year of that, I began to talk, a little less than a year, I would say, because that's when I started talking to you about it regularly, and I'm still talking to my therapist about it.

00;13;21;22 - 00;13;33;19
Speaker 2
I'm very lucky in that way. I'm very grateful for it because there are some people who have to deal with that grief, that weird, complex grief I had to go through alone. And it's just always felt like a struggle.

00;13;33;19 - 00;13;39;12
Speaker 2
You know, it's it's it's now 2025 will make your three of the from the diagnosis.

00;13;39;12 - 00;13;41;15
Speaker 3
But can can you

00;13;41;15 - 00;13;42;28
Speaker 1
unpack for me a little bit? What

00;13;42;28 - 00;13;45;16
Speaker 1
what do you feel like you're grieving.

00;13;45;16 - 00;13;46;00
Speaker 1
I'm.

00;13;46;00 - 00;13;47;05
Speaker 2
Just curious to understand.

00;13;47;05 - 00;13;48;22
Speaker 3
Just. And, I'll.

00;13;48;22 - 00;13;53;18
Speaker 2
my story at some point. It'll make more sense why I'm asking about this. And like, from a position of curiosity.

00;13;53;18 - 00;13;54;04
Speaker 1
it's I.

00;13;54;04 - 00;13;56;19
Speaker 2
I've never known anything different. I guess.

00;13;56;19 - 00;14;03;07
Speaker 2
I think maybe it's just the fact that there were a lot of relationships, friendships, things especially

00;14;03;07 - 00;14;04;17
Speaker 2
high school, college

00;14;04;17 - 00;14;18;00
Speaker 2
that probably would have gone differently had I not had I been on medication, and had I been doing some introspection more so than I normally had done, or had professionally guided introspection, and

00;14;18;00 - 00;14;23;23
Speaker 2
I didn't. And a lot of the symptoms that I do exhibit,

00;14;23;23 - 00;14;32;27
Speaker 2
my spiky plot kind of coincides with a lot of things that I failed at, not just relationship wise, but academically.

00;14;32;27 - 00;14;36;16
Speaker 2
Professionally, things that I just I let the ball fall,

00;14;36;16 - 00;14;43;21
Speaker 2
the fact that I could have been living life a little bit differently hurts sometimes,

00;14;43;21 - 00;15;05;20
Speaker 2
But nobody in my upbringing had noticed anything aside from your mother. And yes, I just kind of wish that there had been some more assistance in that way instead of viewing it like a disability.

00;15;05;22 - 00;15;29;01
Speaker 2
Just view it as something that needs to be treated, and treat it so that I can live as normally as I can. I already have habits ingrained into me, but life is very different now. My life is very much more focused on attending to my own habits and attending to how I need to adapt to a quieter mind.

00;15;29;01 - 00;15;40;24
Speaker 2
And what how do I spend my energy? How do I spend my focus? How do I how do I maintain them? Yes, and it's a lot, all at once. And it's been three years hard. Yeah.

00;15;40;24 - 00;15;44;12
Speaker 3
It's hard. That's true. I mean, it's sensory overload and it's sort of like I don't

00;15;44;12 - 00;15;56;19
Speaker 2
people it's hard to appreciate the abstract nature of a thing like this, but it's like you start catching yourself in these thought processes and you're like, wait, even this is adjustable. It's like suddenly you see the code of the matrix, but you've been doing something.

00;15;56;19 - 00;15;59;18
Speaker 1
So it's like how honestly, like,

00;15;59;21 - 00;16;16;25
Speaker 2
God, this is so, like co-opted by people that I hate. Then like things that I don't like, that I'm upset that I have to quote it, but it's so well described. It's like a way of changing your, your thinking. You can see the code of the matrix, but they say they never Morpheus. They rarely free adults from the matrix.

00;16;16;25 - 00;16;18;26
Speaker 3
matrix, so it's hard, to

00;16;19;09 - 00;16;20;06
Speaker 1
It's like that.

00;16;20;10 - 00;16;21;09
Speaker 1
you're like, oh my God, wait.

00;16;21;09 - 00;16;30;22
Speaker 2
But this thing where I start to get mad when I have to deal with this thing. It's actually because I felt like I was so overwhelmed by having to try to remember it or do something, that I had no other way to react because I was overwhelmed.

00;16;30;22 - 00;16;35;07
Speaker 2
And now I suddenly have the power. It's like I, you know, like I'm not used to my new body yet,

00;16;35;07 - 00;16;37;28
Speaker 3
yet. Yeah. And I'm not sure how much stuff I can actually

00;16;38;01 - 00;16;39;26
Speaker 2
It's like starting a new game and seeing all the

00;16;39;26 - 00;16;41;13
Speaker 3
you know, real time

00;16;41;13 - 00;16;43;12
Speaker 2
like this for people to play the first time. I think.

00;16;43;12 - 00;16;44;04
Speaker 2
Yes,

00;16;44;04 - 00;16;44;16
Speaker 3
you

00;16;44;16 - 00;16;48;22
Speaker 2
but it's also to me the, the parallel would be going from

00;16;48;22 - 00;16;55;12
Speaker 2
being really good at competitive to which requires a little bit of ADHD energy. It requires a little bit of.

00;16;55;16 - 00;16;55;21
Speaker 3
You

00;16;55;21 - 00;16;56;29
Speaker 2
played StarCraft since I was a child.

00;16;56;29 - 00;16;57;25
Speaker 2
Child. Oh yeah.

00;16;57;25 - 00;16;59;16
Speaker 2
but it's like going from that.

00;16;59;16 - 00;17;00;25
Speaker 1
To the.

00;17;00;29 - 00;17;01;19
Speaker 2
Halo.

00;17;02;16 - 00;17;04;11
Speaker 2
You know, I've played I've put some time on

00;17;04;19 - 00;17;05;26
Speaker 2
Same same,

00;17;05;26 - 00;17;09;16
Speaker 2
it's like you have a singular focus now instead of having to do

00;17;09;16 - 00;17;12;12
Speaker 2
base troop and tech building

00;17;12;12 - 00;17;18;28
Speaker 2
even more so, I would say within the last year or so on the medication I

00;17;18;28 - 00;17;22;23
Speaker 2
feel like the frontal lobe has developed and I'm more aware of

00;17;22;23 - 00;17;26;27
Speaker 2
me and I'm more aware of my surroundings than I ever have been.

00;17;27;00 - 00;17;27;07
Speaker 3
Oh,

00;17;27;07 - 00;17;31;17
Speaker 2
frontal lobe was always going to cut. Well, you know, we've been we talked about this before, another episode, but,

00;17;31;17 - 00;17;34;21
Speaker 2
yeah, I mean, our frontal lobes are always like, you know, a little bit slow to cook.

00;17;34;21 - 00;17;45;24
Speaker 2
And I think about that all the time that in the spiky plot, those are the two things that I think about often and kind of view myself through those lenses from, from past episodes that we've done.

00;17;45;24 - 00;17;47;01
Speaker 2
it's been great.

00;17;47;01 - 00;17;54;00
Speaker 2
what I want to say is that the best part is that I am struggling.

00;17;54;00 - 00;17;54;15
Speaker 1
to have.

00;17;54;15 - 00;17;56;06
Speaker 2
Those challenges, because then, you

00;17;56;06 - 00;18;06;27
Speaker 2
Yeah, and it also feels more cathartic when things go well and it feels more I, I'm starting to feel a little bit more pride within myself

00;18;06;27 - 00;18;09;18
Speaker 2
in a way that I never really have. And,

00;18;09;18 - 00;18;11;14
Speaker 2
the the meds helped a ton,

00;18;11;14 - 00;18;13;09
Speaker 2
but ADHD doesn't go away.

00;18;13;09 - 00;18;15;15
Speaker 2
you you manage the symptoms

00;18;15;15 - 00;18;18;16
Speaker 2
you have to figure out what works, what doesn't.

00;18;18;18 - 00;18;22;11
Speaker 2
And being okay with the fact that some days

00;18;22;11 - 00;18;25;17
Speaker 2
I'm just not going to have it all together.

00;18;25;17 - 00;18;33;07
Speaker 2
that is when I learned that self-care days are important. And I'm trying not to feel guilty about that,

00;18;33;07 - 00;18;37;13
Speaker 2
you know, the reason I say that is the best part of this struggle is.

00;18;37;13 - 00;18;49;03
Speaker 2
I never would have had the courage to go to therapy, learn how to care for myself the way only I know how to. And it it taught me to get rid of ego and lean on the people who care about me.

00;18;49;03 - 00;18;53;28
Speaker 2
I like to think I was okay at that stuff before, but I'm now actively practicing it.

00;18;53;28 - 00;18;57;00
Speaker 2
It's been difficult, but the most rewarding.

00;18;57;00 - 00;18;59;10
Speaker 1
letting people into that last circle.

00;18;59;10 - 00;19;02;14
Speaker 3
like when you let go of the bullet hole, the last place you give up

00;19;02;14 - 00;19;08;12
Speaker 2
to hide the little last corner that you don't let anybody see. So you have room to, like, protect that last little bit of you from,

00;19;08;12 - 00;19;09;24
Speaker 3
Yeah. I don't know how

00;19;09;24 - 00;19;14;16
Speaker 2
it. It's like that last little part of the apple. You don't want it to get brown somehow. I get what you mean.

00;19;14;16 - 00;19;24;13
Speaker 2
You have to, like, be active and intentional about allowing that in or allowing that to be seen, I think. And accepting help is is a version of allowing that to be seen, because it means that you're letting somebody know what you need.

00;19;24;13 - 00;19;25;19
Speaker 2
And now I'm,

00;19;25;19 - 00;19;52;05
Speaker 2
able to from those people I can love deeper. I can hate deeper too. I can take constructive, well-intentioned advice without too much anxiety, whereas in college beat that out of me a little bit, too. I have to admit, a lot because my my major was heavily project based. It you have to present in front of professors and stuff all the time, and they're going to rip you apart just because that's their job.

00;19;52;05 - 00;20;03;15
Speaker 2
that was not something that I ever really had. And with Adderall, it makes it easier with being medicated. It makes it makes taking that advice, as long as it's well intentioned, easier.

00;20;03;18 - 00;20;03;28
Speaker 3
Like

00;20;03;28 - 00;20;05;11
Speaker 1
like very, very.

00;20;05;11 - 00;20;12;27
Speaker 2
Very tangibly and physically. You're freeing up the amount of time that you have an energy. It takes to process those things and see nuance.

00;20;12;27 - 00;20;13;23
Speaker 2
otherwise. It's like

00;20;13;23 - 00;20;17;29
Speaker 2
you know, all these other things are competing for your attention is nuance. You can't look at anything of that

00;20;17;29 - 00;20;20;09
Speaker 3
of any sort, feedback of any sort really

00;20;20;09 - 00;20;22;16
Speaker 2
requires a nuanced ear,

00;20;22;16 - 00;20;24;17
Speaker 3
I think, to really

00;20;24;17 - 00;20;26;00
Speaker 2
absorb anything from it.

00;20;26;02 - 00;20;27;00
Speaker 1
Because.

00;20;27;03 - 00;20;29;18
Speaker 2
Yeah, you are parsing between different things.

00;20;29;18 - 00;20;31;18
Speaker 1
You have to remember both that you're hearing.

00;20;31;18 - 00;20;37;02
Speaker 2
Something that doesn't sound or feel good in the service of something, that in the bigger picture is good for you.

00;20;37;02 - 00;20;39;24
Speaker 1
is like weird to say all of that out loud, but

00;20;39;27 - 00;20;43;18
Speaker 2
It's just like the same thing as being sleep deprived and trying to not be sensitive, right?

00;20;43;18 - 00;20;51;16
Speaker 2
you need energy to do that. And if it's being used and not being overwhelmed and yeah, it's hard. It makes sense to me. It's a very interesting observation. I didn't think about that.

00;20;51;16 - 00;20;52;13
Speaker 2
in your situation.

00;20;52;20 - 00;20;54;12
Speaker 2
But I have noticed that for me, now

00;20;54;12 - 00;20;55;10
Speaker 3
you bring it up.

00;20;55;13 - 00;20;57;03
Speaker 2
Oh that's fascinating. That's good.

00;20;57;03 - 00;20;59;04
Speaker 2
I'm happy to hear that. I just,

00;20;59;04 - 00;21;00;23
Speaker 2
for me it was

00;21;00;23 - 00;21;19;01
Speaker 2
taking the good with the bad and having a very significant change in perspective. And, you know, I say I don't view it as a disability and I don't want anybody else to view it as a disability. But there are days where it is there are days like I had one yesterday where I did get a lot done, but I didn't get everything done that I normally would have.

00;21;19;01 - 00;21;24;16
Speaker 2
And boy was I playing bilateral on my phone a lot.

00;21;24;23 - 00;21;26;06
Speaker 1
Yeah, I feel that,

00;21;26;06 - 00;21;26;29
Speaker 2
I have watched

00;21;26;29 - 00;21;34;08
Speaker 2
some the YouTubers that I like entire friggin like I don't know what they call it. Tography videography. You tography

00;21;35;26 - 00;21;36;09
Speaker 1
Or.

00;21;36;11 - 00;21;37;08
Speaker 3
Whatever the fuck it is

00;21;37;08 - 00;21;39;15
Speaker 2
that their entire body of work and I haven't

00;21;39;15 - 00;21;42;24
Speaker 2
fucking done even like a shred of like, yeah, it's it's definitely a thing.

00;21;42;24 - 00;21;44;22
Speaker 1
for me, it's like my flaw.

00;21;44;24 - 00;21;47;25
Speaker 2
Like I can definitely fuck things up and hit a really low

00;21;47;25 - 00;21;48;12
Speaker 3
low.

00;21;48;14 - 00;21;49;17
Speaker 2
Oh, God. Yeah. I am more.

00;21;49;17 - 00;21;50;02
Speaker 3
Prone to

00;21;50;02 - 00;21;52;11
Speaker 2
doing so in terms of performance than like,

00;21;52;11 - 00;21;53;02
Speaker 2
normies are.

00;21;53;09 - 00;21;55;27
Speaker 1
Maybe. But it doesn't mean that my.

00;21;55;27 - 00;22;05;07
Speaker 2
Ceiling is less and it's hard to accept that. And I'm still working. I personally, I grapple with that a lot, but I am starting to accept that there's like places where I'm going to be able to, and sometimes do

00;22;05;07 - 00;22;09;14
Speaker 2
achieve at a higher level than I live for myself. And yeah, so sometimes it's like, yeah, you,

00;22;09;14 - 00;22;11;08
Speaker 2
you ran the race, right?

00;22;11;08 - 00;22;15;11
Speaker 2
But you should be celebrated also for yourself that you ran it with like maybe,

00;22;15;11 - 00;22;20;16
Speaker 2
ill fitting shoes or an extra 5 pounds on your back that other people did not do, and you still put up a good time,

00;22;20;19 - 00;22;22;06
Speaker 2
Yeah, absolutely. When the

00;22;22;06 - 00;22;22;23
Speaker 1
race.

00;22;22;23 - 00;22;29;24
Speaker 2
Yeah. And that's that I, you gave me that metaphor months back and I, I kind of swear by it.

00;22;29;26 - 00;22;31;05
Speaker 3
Oh I remember we were playing Minecraft.

00;22;31;10 - 00;22;33;15
Speaker 2
Yep. I think about that a lot.

00;22;34;16 - 00;22;55;18
Speaker 2
one more thing that I do grieve that I wish more people were vocal about, but I don't think we are, because it's such a scary thing, is that people with ADHD are higher prone to, Alzheimer's and dementia. And that scares the absolute living fuck out of me. And it's almost like I'm caught because my memory is bad.

00;22;55;18 - 00;23;05;28
Speaker 2
That's part of my what you have called the ADHD tax is my memory. And so I'm relatively confident that that's probably what is going to happen.

00;23;05;28 - 00;23;06;17
Speaker 3
You're working

00;23;06;17 - 00;23;08;18
Speaker 2
memory is hard working memory is not our

00;23;08;28 - 00;23;10;22
Speaker 2
Yeah. So I just,

00;23;10;22 - 00;23;11;19
Speaker 2
I almost

00;23;11;19 - 00;23;13;15
Speaker 2
feel like I have to grieve.

00;23;13;15 - 00;23;15;03
Speaker 2
have, while you're still possessed of your

00;23;15;03 - 00;23;15;07
Speaker 3
there.

00;23;15;14 - 00;23;26;16
Speaker 2
Because I won't be able to when they're gone, you know. Yeah, I won't know. And I hate that thing. Oh, I cried about it one night. I cried about it one night. Holly had to hold me, I cried, I sobbed.

00;23;26;16 - 00;23;27;22
Speaker 1
I remember I've had a.

00;23;27;22 - 00;23;37;21
Speaker 2
Similar episode that they're episodes every now and again and they take over suddenly for sure. And I always have as a kid, but I never really quite understood why. But as I got older, I started to.

00;23;37;24 - 00;23;38;29
Speaker 1
But as you know, my.

00;23;39;00 - 00;23;40;23
Speaker 2
Grandmother had Parkinson's

00;23;40;23 - 00;23;41;12
Speaker 3
most of my life.

00;23;41;12 - 00;23;42;00
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;23;42;00 - 00;23;42;04
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00;23;42;04 - 00;23;43;12
Speaker 1
So I idea I did.

00;23;43;12 - 00;23;44;20
Speaker 2
Was thinking about that

00;23;44;20 - 00;23;50;10
Speaker 2
and I'm very close to somebody that has, has, has family history of some certain genetic diseases that are in that

00;23;50;10 - 00;23;53;12
Speaker 3
ballpark. So guess. Yeah, there's some processing that's brutal.

00;23;53;16 - 00;24;02;06
Speaker 2
That's it's hard. That's because because they're still in front of you living, but they don't know you. And but you know them so.

00;24;02;06 - 00;24;03;21
Speaker 3
Well and sometimes they

00;24;03;21 - 00;24;05;00
Speaker 2
do. And like it's weird,

00;24;05;00 - 00;24;08;06
Speaker 2
cognition and awareness like, fluctuates in my in my,

00;24;08;06 - 00;24;09;11
Speaker 2
day job, I

00;24;09;11 - 00;24;16;04
Speaker 2
interact a lot with a lot of people that are elderly and have like, you know, may have dementia, do have dementia,

00;24;16;04 - 00;24;22;00
Speaker 2
verifiably so. And yeah, it's the concept of lately I've been very preoccupied by the concept of sundowning

00;24;22;03 - 00;24;23;12
Speaker 1
Because it's,

00;24;23;14 - 00;24;24;08
Speaker 3
Neighbors in and

00;24;24;08 - 00;24;25;29
Speaker 2
out and they do forget briefly.

00;24;25;29 - 00;24;28;07
Speaker 2
It's like, and you can see them snap back in and

00;24;28;19 - 00;24;31;19
Speaker 2
It's, it's such a scary thing.

00;24;31;19 - 00;24;31;28
Speaker 1
see.

00;24;31;28 - 00;24;35;19
Speaker 2
It cross that threshold in a concrete way can be quite alarming.

00;24;35;19 - 00;24;39;29
Speaker 2
it. I hadn't connected those two things. It's an interesting observation, but I, I yeah, I, I could definitely

00;24;39;29 - 00;24;40;20
Speaker 3
see that but.

00;24;40;20 - 00;24;52;13
Speaker 2
I, I know you have your own journey and that's really I unless you have more question. That's really what I, that's what I got. And I would love to hear your, your your story fully.

00;24;52;13 - 00;24;53;03
Speaker 3
I'm happy to tell

00;24;53;03 - 00;24;53;12
Speaker 1
it.

00;24;53;12 - 00;25;02;00
Speaker 2
Yeah, it's a little different. And I'll get to the point of why I wanted to contrast our story is just like, I think some of the stuff you brought up is a kind of great prelude to it, to the questions I had.

00;25;02;00 - 00;25;03;13
Speaker 3
let me take it from the top, I guess.

00;25;03;13 - 00;25;04;14
Speaker 3
So my

00;25;04;14 - 00;25;05;04
Speaker 1
story.

00;25;05;04 - 00;25;15;08
Speaker 2
Honestly, with my diagnosis I'm inattentive type ADHD. And this is verified confirmed all of the proper testing. This is actually not a self diagnosis, which is not I don't think

00;25;15;08 - 00;25;16;25
Speaker 1
I'm bringing that up because somehow.

00;25;16;25 - 00;25;23;08
Speaker 2
Inside I feel that I have to because I have a degree of self-doubt and I need like an outside thing to verify, even though I know that,

00;25;23;08 - 00;25;27;10
Speaker 2
it's for me. So it's not because I want to cast any aspersions. It's.

00;25;27;10 - 00;25;34;06
Speaker 2
it is for me. It is something that I think makes me feel a little bit more secure in myself, that it's not just me letting myself off the

00;25;34;06 - 00;25;36;02
Speaker 3
hook, if you will.

00;25;36;02 - 00;25;37;22
Speaker 2
said, so my story is a little atypical,

00;25;37;22 - 00;25;43;00
Speaker 2
the easy part is that I don't know if I really ever suspected, because I got my diagnosis when I was seven

00;25;43;08 - 00;25;45;06
Speaker 3
But the easy part is that

00;25;45;07 - 00;25;48;05
Speaker 2
between 4000 and 55,000 years old.

00;25;48;05 - 00;25;51;06
Speaker 3
so,

00;25;51;06 - 00;25;56;21
Speaker 2
longer than I've ever really had, with the answer to the question, long before I ever really became aware of the need to ask the

00;25;57;15 - 00;25;58;04
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;25;58;04 - 00;26;00;13
Speaker 2
it was just something that was noticed, right.

00;26;00;16 - 00;26;01;20
Speaker 3
Yeah. It was like

00;26;01;20 - 00;26;03;19
Speaker 2
my 18 limbs. I just always had, you.

00;26;03;20 - 00;26;04;20
Speaker 3
know.

00;26;04;23 - 00;26;07;04
Speaker 2
Yes. All 18 of course.

00;26;07;04 - 00;26;08;14
Speaker 1
It doesn't mean that it wasn't.

00;26;08;14 - 00;26;17;06
Speaker 2
Monumentally significant, the diagnosis for me. But I didn't appreciate. And. Yeah, maybe there's an element of grief. I'm not sure. But.

00;26;17;08 - 00;26;17;29
Speaker 1
Yeah, I could.

00;26;18;00 - 00;26;18;11
Speaker 2
Call a complex

00;26;18;11 - 00;26;18;28
Speaker 3
complex grief, I guess.

00;26;18;28 - 00;26;23;01
Speaker 2
I think it's, I think it's so I think it's super significant, dude, I think I.

00;26;23;04 - 00;26;24;04
Speaker 1
Know it's significant.

00;26;24;04 - 00;26;28;03
Speaker 3
In many ways. And I didn't even really appreciate that until maybe recently. You were a.

00;26;28;03 - 00;26;29;12
Speaker 1
Kid.

00;26;29;14 - 00;26;30;09
Speaker 3
Yeah, I was seven.

00;26;30;10 - 00;26;32;15
Speaker 2
You're not being fair to yourself.

00;26;32;15 - 00;26;34;24
Speaker 1
I mean, yeah, I guess it's okay to think about.

00;26;34;24 - 00;26;35;06
Speaker 2
It that way.

00;26;35;06 - 00;26;41;22
Speaker 2
I guess that's fair. I was kind of reminiscing about it, like, you know, I'm. I'm glad that I've now processed it, but I guess it's it's kind of crazy to have expected myself to,

00;26;41;27 - 00;26;42;14
Speaker 1
You know, there's.

00;26;42;14 - 00;26;42;19
Speaker 2
A

00;26;42;19 - 00;26;44;20
Speaker 3
window into my brain, I guess.

00;26;44;22 - 00;26;45;12
Speaker 1
But.

00;26;45;12 - 00;26;46;17
Speaker 1
I was seven years old.

00;26;46;17 - 00;26;47;20
Speaker 1
my reality.

00;26;47;20 - 00;26;49;26
Speaker 2
Did not change very much is the other easy question.

00;26;49;26 - 00;26;52;23
Speaker 2
As a kid, I was just like, okay, well, now I have to take a medicine twice in the day.

00;26;52;23 - 00;26;53;15
Speaker 1
from a young.

00;26;53;15 - 00;26;55;08
Speaker 2
Age, and now I am the

00;26;55;08 - 00;26;55;16
Speaker 3
throat.

00;26;55;16 - 00;26;57;07
Speaker 1
Don't you know what I mean?

00;26;57;07 - 00;26;58;23
Speaker 3
Is, I was a good deal taker.

00;26;58;23 - 00;27;01;05
Speaker 1
But,

00;27;01;05 - 00;27;02;20
Speaker 1
however, I would frequently miss my.

00;27;02;20 - 00;27;05;08
Speaker 2
Second dose of the stimulants because I would have to go to.

00;27;05;08 - 00;27;05;26
Speaker 1
The school.

00;27;05;26 - 00;27;07;10
Speaker 2
Nurse's office to take medicine every.

00;27;07;10 - 00;27;09;18
Speaker 1
Afternoon. And sometimes I would forget.

00;27;09;18 - 00;27;14;18
Speaker 2
But other times I also became conscious of feeling different. And I did not want to be perceived by that many people.

00;27;14;18 - 00;27;16;27
Speaker 2
somebody I met recently that I think is very smart,

00;27;16;27 - 00;27;22;18
Speaker 2
said that once, about like, been perceived by too many people at the same time. Yeah, I've been there.

00;27;22;26 - 00;27;24;06
Speaker 1
And I was like, yeah, man, that's what it

00;27;25;14 - 00;27;25;21
Speaker 3
But

00;27;25;21 - 00;27;26;16
Speaker 1
we get we.

00;27;26;16 - 00;27;28;28
Speaker 2
Take the social anxiety piece of it out of there.

00;27;28;28 - 00;27;32;08
Speaker 2
I was never going to get up to have to go and initiate the task of taking a

00;27;32;08 - 00;27;33;16
Speaker 3
like I,

00;27;33;16 - 00;27;36;28
Speaker 1
had to, until recently, still full fledged.

00;27;36;28 - 00;27;41;11
Speaker 2
Internal warfare to get myself to get up, to get water. If I'm comfortable somewhere, I will get

00;27;41;11 - 00;27;41;20
Speaker 3
the idea.

00;27;41;21 - 00;27;42;18
Speaker 2
Oh God yes.

00;27;42;22 - 00;27;43;09
Speaker 3
I've reached the

00;27;43;09 - 00;27;44;05
Speaker 2
point of like

00;27;44;05 - 00;27;47;10
Speaker 2
throbbing headache from that, just because I'm like, well, I'm locked in

00;27;47;10 - 00;27;49;01
Speaker 1
Baby.

00;27;49;03 - 00;27;49;13
Speaker 3
One

00;27;49;13 - 00;27;52;07
Speaker 1
more fucking YouTube rabbit hole video.

00;27;52;10 - 00;27;53;06
Speaker 2
Then it's 9

00;27;53;06 - 00;27;55;08
Speaker 3
Yeah. I would never

00;27;55;08 - 00;27;55;21
Speaker 1
interrupt.

00;27;55;21 - 00;27;59;25
Speaker 2
I would not have the balls to interrupt the dopamine stream and get the muster up the activation energy.

00;27;59;25 - 00;28;00;19
Speaker 1
and like.

00;28;00;21 - 00;28;01;04
Speaker 2
I was a.

00;28;01;04 - 00;28;01;23
Speaker 1
Child,

00;28;01;23 - 00;28;03;05
Speaker 1
all of that was worse. Like,

00;28;03;05 - 00;28;04;00
Speaker 3
Yeah.

00;28;04;00 - 00;28;04;20
Speaker 1
I didn't have a fully.

00;28;04;20 - 00;28;05;24
Speaker 2
Coach brain to be like,

00;28;05;24 - 00;28;07;16
Speaker 2
I need this. I'll feel worse if I don't.

00;28;07;16 - 00;28;08;10
Speaker 3
know, but I just

00;28;08;10 - 00;28;10;11
Speaker 2
was just like, every child has this, you know,

00;28;10;11 - 00;28;11;23
Speaker 3
like, is like

00;28;11;23 - 00;28;13;04
Speaker 2
this, and they're just doing a better

00;28;13;23 - 00;28;20;25
Speaker 2
Oh, interesting. You were diagnosed, had medication, and you still felt like you were just doing it wrong.

00;28;21;17 - 00;28;23;29
Speaker 2
Yeah. Oh. That's interesting. Okay.

00;28;24;02 - 00;28;24;10
Speaker 3
I was

00;28;24;10 - 00;28;25;22
Speaker 1
like, why is this so hard for me?

00;28;25;22 - 00;28;30;14
Speaker 2
Like, nobody else goes home and cries like nobody else is bad at math. Nobody at all. I mean, that's not true. But like.

00;28;30;14 - 00;28;31;03
Speaker 1
nobody else.

00;28;31;03 - 00;28;32;03
Speaker 2
Says the weird thing.

00;28;32;03 - 00;28;32;23
Speaker 1
how come I'm.

00;28;32;23 - 00;28;34;19
Speaker 2
The one who's having a hard time doing this?

00;28;34;21 - 00;28;36;12
Speaker 1
And then sometimes I'd be mad at them,

00;28;36;17 - 00;28;42;26
Speaker 2
Then sometimes I was like, there's times I'd be like, mad. I was like, how come they are doing it? What's wrong with it? Because you're mad at you. You know?

00;28;43;01 - 00;28;46;13
Speaker 2
Oh yeah. Oh, I oh, I totally get being mad at oneself.

00;28;46;13 - 00;28;47;08
Speaker 3
I was,

00;28;47;08 - 00;28;47;13
Speaker 1
to.

00;28;47;13 - 00;28;51;12
Speaker 2
Really feel the difference in performance on the stims too, you know, like that was like cooked all the way.

00;28;51;13 - 00;28;52;14
Speaker 1
by the way, I, I knew enough to.

00;28;52;14 - 00;28;53;01
Speaker 2
Lie

00;28;53;01 - 00;28;57;24
Speaker 2
and people were like, do you take your second dose today? I'd be like, yeah. So I knew that nobody would, like, be upset with

00;28;57;24 - 00;28;57;28
Speaker 3
me.

00;28;57;29 - 00;28;58;16
Speaker 3
Then, you know.

00;28;59;19 - 00;29;00;17
Speaker 3
Or like, hey,

00;29;00;17 - 00;29;03;17
Speaker 2
come you have an entire pill bottle like you haven't been, you've been

00;29;03;25 - 00;29;04;21
Speaker 2
Oh. No,

00;29;04;21 - 00;29;06;16
Speaker 2
not the evidence.

00;29;06;18 - 00;29;06;29
Speaker 3
Yeah,

00;29;06;29 - 00;29;07;12
Speaker 1
they.

00;29;07;12 - 00;29;10;24
Speaker 2
They hit me with receipts. I've grown up with a healthy fear of the receipts.

00;29;12;17 - 00;29;13;09
Speaker 1
I was reacting to the.

00;29;13;09 - 00;29;15;20
Speaker 2
Same thing, but I react, you know, as an adult,

00;29;15;20 - 00;29;19;07
Speaker 2
I don't like being perceived and seen in that context either. I avoided the situation.

00;29;19;07 - 00;29;19;20
Speaker 3
know, me.

00;29;19;20 - 00;29;20;27
Speaker 2
In what? In what context?

00;29;20;27 - 00;29;21;24
Speaker 3
Specifically

00;29;21;24 - 00;29;22;09
Speaker 2
taking a

00;29;22;09 - 00;29;23;13
Speaker 3
Oh, nothing like that.

00;29;23;13 - 00;29;40;25
Speaker 2
that. Or like having anything in that context of like, that's why I was like, never going to be able to like, manage it. So, you know, I didn't notice a particular difference, but I didn't even like, I wasn't even always willing to do like to me, it was just another thing I had to do that I could, like frequently start doing late or poorly or in bursts of sudden accuracy and consistently.

00;29;40;25 - 00;29;41;15
Speaker 1
So that's like.

00;29;41;15 - 00;29;45;20
Speaker 2
The easy answers, I think, to like, you know, how to change that, I suspect.

00;29;45;20 - 00;29;46;00
Speaker 2
that's

00;29;46;00 - 00;29;52;20
Speaker 2
my early way of noticing it. But it's hard for me to have suspected or even really have noticed a quality of life change after my immediate diagnosis.

00;29;52;27 - 00;29;54;12
Speaker 2
it's hard to perceive the fact that like,

00;29;54;12 - 00;29;58;19
Speaker 2
the other version of me in a parallel universe that didn't get that is

00;29;58;19 - 00;30;00;28
Speaker 2
I'm certain, not doing well

00;30;00;28 - 00;30;02;07
Speaker 2
I think I'm probably

00;30;02;07 - 00;30;03;26
Speaker 2
in the lucky or parallel universe.

00;30;03;26 - 00;30;06;04
Speaker 3
So you don't realize that until you're, you know what I mean?

00;30;06;04 - 00;30;06;17
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00;30;06;17 - 00;30;08;00
Speaker 2
I kind of dig that view.

00;30;08;00 - 00;30;10;06
Speaker 2
Absence of a negative is still a positive thing,

00;30;10;06 - 00;30;14;08
Speaker 2
It's like you don't thank your seatbelt or thank the guy who made the seatbelt or

00;30;14;08 - 00;30;14;29
Speaker 3
every time you.

00;30;15;01 - 00;30;24;26
Speaker 2
Don't, you don't sit down and go, God, thank you, seatbelt inventor. I wish I knew your name for the bit, but I don't.

00;30;24;28 - 00;30;27;28
Speaker 1
Know. I'm sorry. Damn nice.

00;30;27;29 - 00;30;28;14
Speaker 3
And

00;30;28;14 - 00;30;29;18
Speaker 1
So let's look up the

00;30;29;18 - 00;30;29;29
Speaker 3
inventor.

00;30;30;06 - 00;30;33;11
Speaker 1
Hahahahahahaha! Niels Bohlen,

00;30;33;11 - 00;30;35;12
Speaker 1
Boleyn, Swedish engineer.

00;30;35;12 - 00;30;36;10
Speaker 2
Of course, it was a

00;30;36;10 - 00;30;38;04
Speaker 3
that God

00;30;38;04 - 00;30;38;18
Speaker 2
Swedes.

00;30;38;25 - 00;30;41;07
Speaker 2
Actually, that name is oddly familiar. I don't know why.

00;30;41;07 - 00;30;42;14
Speaker 1
the very first.

00;30;42;14 - 00;30;49;12
Speaker 2
Seat belt of any kind was George Cayley was a British guy, but the 3.1 that we recognize is Nils Bohlen, the Swedish engineer.

00;30;49;14 - 00;30;51;22
Speaker 1
Now, I am not going

00;30;51;22 - 00;30;56;26
Speaker 3
unnecessary credit to a British person if I don't have to. So we're going to credit Nils.

00;30;56;28 - 00;31;04;16
Speaker 2
That's great. Okay. I mean, when you search inventor of seatbelt. He is who? What shows up for me on my end anyway?

00;31;04;16 - 00;31;05;13
Speaker 2
Nils. Thank you.

00;31;05;13 - 00;31;06;00
Speaker 1
Nils.

00;31;06;00 - 00;31;08;12
Speaker 1
So here's the.

00;31;08;12 - 00;31;13;10
Speaker 2
Thing with that. The Google AI is like not a particularly reliable thing, and I know that, but I'm choosing

00;31;13;10 - 00;31;13;24
Speaker 3
ignore that.

00;31;13;24 - 00;31;16;19
Speaker 2
Oh, shit. Up Wikipedia for me at the very top.

00;31;16;22 - 00;31;17;11
Speaker 3
Yeah.

00;31;17;11 - 00;31;18;21
Speaker 2
verified, done.

00;31;18;21 - 00;31;20;07
Speaker 3
Anyway, so

00;31;20;07 - 00;31;25;21
Speaker 2
other piece of it and I think this is finally going to give the promised context about why it can be quite different.

00;31;25;21 - 00;31;31;09
Speaker 2
There is not very much fanfare for me personally, but there's a lot of fanfare that went into it for the people that made the decision,

00;31;31;09 - 00;31;32;11
Speaker 2
or made the observation.

00;31;32;11 - 00;31;36;18
Speaker 2
my mother was responsible for my diagnosis,

00;31;36;18 - 00;31;40;02
Speaker 2
because she is a child and adolescent psychiatrist.

00;31;40;02 - 00;31;45;29
Speaker 2
my diagnosis came about as a result of her realizing her own diagnosis. Inattentive type and my father's of,

00;31;45;29 - 00;31;46;13
Speaker 3
hyperactive.

00;31;46;17 - 00;31;50;01
Speaker 2
Was she late diagnosed 2 or 3.

00;31;50;03 - 00;31;55;02
Speaker 2
diagnosed when she was in her subspecialty training. So she would have been in her 30s, a little older

00;31;55;02 - 00;31;56;03
Speaker 3
now. Wow. I

00;31;56;03 - 00;31;58;26
Speaker 2
I mean, than you are now. I'm 2000 or something.

00;31;58;26 - 00;32;01;27
Speaker 2
she said, I realize she's like, oh, my God, I wasn't stupid.

00;32;01;27 - 00;32;09;12
Speaker 2
I mean, I think this is hard for anyone, but with ADHD, just speaking from my own personal opinion, it was it was hard to.

00;32;09;12 - 00;32;12;03
Speaker 2
of self is a thing for people who are

00;32;12;03 - 00;32;24;11
Speaker 2
appreciating oneself, appreciating one's intellect and skill and and you know, I'm still struggling with it. I, I'm searching for external validation wherever the fuck I can find it.

00;32;24;11 - 00;32;24;25
Speaker 2
the same

00;32;24;25 - 00;32;26;16
Speaker 2
Yeah, I yeah, it's that man. And

00;32;26;16 - 00;32;29;24
Speaker 2
My, my father told me particularly like he found he had it made him angry.

00;32;29;27 - 00;32;37;17
Speaker 2
He was like I had a hard time because I felt like I had something was wrong with you because of something that I did or something I couldn't change. And I had a hard time

00;32;37;19 - 00;32;40;14
Speaker 2
That he took the blame for you.

00;32;40;14 - 00;32;41;13
Speaker 1
in a way,

00;32;41;13 - 00;32;43;07
Speaker 1
as he. Yeah, he told me that recently.

00;32;43;07 - 00;32;44;10
Speaker 1
she immeasurably.

00;32;44;10 - 00;32;47;27
Speaker 2
Improved all of our lives, most noticeably in the immediate term for them.

00;32;47;27 - 00;32;49;17
Speaker 1
I needed it for sure.

00;32;49;17 - 00;32;50;06
Speaker 1
Because I look.

00;32;50;06 - 00;32;51;05
Speaker 2
Back on it, and I was like,

00;32;51;05 - 00;32;52;07
Speaker 2
I was delicate,

00;32;52;07 - 00;32;53;02
Speaker 2
like a sensitive

00;32;53;02 - 00;32;54;20
Speaker 2
Yeah, like you said, I emote hot

00;32;54;20 - 00;32;57;27
Speaker 2
I capable of being really angry or really sad or really happy.

00;32;57;27 - 00;32;59;04
Speaker 1
if I think about.

00;32;59;04 - 00;33;01;11
Speaker 2
That now with this amount.

00;33;01;11 - 00;33;02;02
Speaker 1
Of.

00;33;02;05 - 00;33;03;17
Speaker 2
2020 hindsight.

00;33;03;20 - 00;33;04;24
Speaker 1
When I think about how it would.

00;33;04;24 - 00;33;18;09
Speaker 2
Have been to not have been diagnosed, I mean, I don't think it's any stretch of the truth to say that this was like, I mean, my life changed. I mean, justified the immigration to the first world, right there. If you think about it in terms of anthro, like, your offspring get a better situation than you.

00;33;18;09 - 00;33;18;29
Speaker 2
I grew up

00;33;18;29 - 00;33;22;24
Speaker 2
always knowing that I had like a special something that I need to take a special something for, and then I could do

00;33;23;12 - 00;33;23;25
Speaker 2
Okay.

00;33;24;02 - 00;33;24;23
Speaker 3
And being

00;33;24;23 - 00;33;25;24
Speaker 2
being really good at

00;33;25;24 - 00;33;31;07
Speaker 2
you know, always scoring high in the reading classes and stuff like that and doing a really bad job at math and then being a big time avoider.

00;33;31;07 - 00;33;36;18
Speaker 2
I would say high school for sure and maybe a little bit of college. You were an avoider

00;33;36;18 - 00;33;37;28
Speaker 2
I think as you've gotten older, I

00;33;37;28 - 00;33;40;19
Speaker 2
you have started to realize that

00;33;40;19 - 00;33;45;18
Speaker 2
prolonging the inevitable and the suffering is not going to do you any good.

00;33;45;18 - 00;33;46;00
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;33;46;00 - 00;33;51;27
Speaker 2
I have definitely begun to appreciate that. I'm still learning that lesson in many ways, but it is good.

00;33;51;27 - 00;33;52;25
Speaker 2
Because

00;33;52;25 - 00;33;54;19
Speaker 1
if I did it underpowered.

00;33;54;21 - 00;33;55;27
Speaker 2
Then I would have been hosed.

00;33;55;27 - 00;33;57;20
Speaker 2
there's no way. I can't imagine,

00;33;57;20 - 00;33;58;27
Speaker 2
it takes everything I've got

00;33;58;27 - 00;33;59;19
Speaker 2
with the right

00;33;59;19 - 00;34;03;18
Speaker 2
balance to do what I do and to live how I live,

00;34;03;18 - 00;34;10;13
Speaker 2
I give myself a solid six and a half to seven out of ten overall, with the upper limit being like an 8 or 9 and the lower limit

00;34;10;13 - 00;34;12;05
Speaker 3
a solid 4 or 5, you know?

00;34;12;08 - 00;34;14;29
Speaker 3
So like if I didn't have the help, like to be able

00;34;14;29 - 00;34;16;00
Speaker 2
I don't know, man.

00;34;16;00 - 00;34;16;09
Speaker 1
what I'm.

00;34;16;09 - 00;34;19;04
Speaker 2
Trying to tell you is that I don't I did not consent to being born.

00;34;19;04 - 00;34;21;06
Speaker 3
to being born. It's super

00;34;21;06 - 00;34;24;07
Speaker 2
that I wound up, I think is very appropriate for the character

00;34;24;07 - 00;34;27;12
Speaker 3
that I wound up into a tunnel snake like he gave.

00;34;28;12 - 00;34;28;22

00;34;28;22 - 00;34;35;01
Speaker 2
Thank you for taking the time to do that. Please make sure that you add in the part where I am thanking you for taking the time to do that, and then no context

00;34;35;11 - 00;34;38;03
Speaker 2
I actually will I think I will.

00;34;38;05 - 00;34;41;03
Speaker 3
Yeah. Great. Yeah. So I'm really grateful to you to bed.

00;34;41;04 - 00;34;41;14

00;34;41;14 - 00;34;43;25
Speaker 1
I mean, that's so on,

00;34;43;25 - 00;34;47;23
Speaker 3
brand, don't you think? Like, of course I did. Yeah. So my mom was a pro. She

00;34;47;23 - 00;34;51;20
Speaker 2
She figured it out for her and for my father and for me.

00;34;51;22 - 00;34;54;19
Speaker 1
And I grew up kind of always knowing

00;34;54;19 - 00;35;02;05
Speaker 2
of having the benefit of this wisdom. But she had to realize and go through and get over the stigma for herself as a practitioner of this to,

00;35;02;05 - 00;35;02;26
Speaker 2
to get

00;35;02;26 - 00;35;09;13
Speaker 2
treated for all of us. And she did. And so I grew up with the knowledge that, yeah, my ceiling is my ceiling is my ceiling, my floor is lower.

00;35;09;13 - 00;35;13;07
Speaker 2
But that doesn't, you know, I don't feel disabled at all. I never have

00;35;13;07 - 00;35;14;10
Speaker 2
and so sometimes I

00;35;14;10 - 00;35;16;20
Speaker 2
in another way, have a hard time letting myself off the hook

00;35;16;20 - 00;35;20;05
Speaker 2
I'm like very high strung in that way sometimes because I don't.

00;35;20;05 - 00;35;21;03
Speaker 2
Maybe I

00;35;21;03 - 00;35;21;27
Speaker 2
forgot,

00;35;21;27 - 00;35;31;13
Speaker 2
I'm just used to it. I don't feel stigma but I also and I'm glad about that. Like I have no problem with it. I'm open about it. But on the other hand, I sometimes forget that I'm like, well, sometimes the stuff is going to be harder, is I shouldn't be so angry.

00;35;31;16 - 00;35;33;05
Speaker 2
Yeah, I just think that

00;35;33;05 - 00;35;35;27
Speaker 2
sometimes we are just so critical.

00;35;35;27 - 00;35;36;12
Speaker 1
mean, I told.

00;35;36;12 - 00;35;39;25
Speaker 2
You about a reason you were there. I, I had a recent, piano performance,

00;35;39;25 - 00;35;41;00
Speaker 3
we talked about.

00;35;41;00 - 00;35;43;16
Speaker 2
I, during which I completely.

00;35;43;23 - 00;35;45;14
Speaker 1
Overthought how much that.

00;35;45;14 - 00;35;46;06
Speaker 2
I

00;35;46;06 - 00;35;51;22
Speaker 2
should have prepped and felt under prepped and how it sounded. And then as it went on, everybody.

00;35;51;25 - 00;35;53;24
Speaker 1
It went well. I had one fine.

00;35;53;24 - 00;35;58;04
Speaker 2
I felt badly about it because I felt like I did a bad job, but I got from the people I trusted, I

00;35;58;04 - 00;35;58;26
Speaker 3
positive feedback.

00;35;58;27 - 00;36;00;19
Speaker 2
Yeah, you did very well.

00;36;00;19 - 00;36;01;14
Speaker 1
I still think.

00;36;01;14 - 00;36;02;04
Speaker 2
About this,

00;36;02;04 - 00;36;03;13
Speaker 2
this is like a cognitive,

00;36;03;13 - 00;36;03;27
Speaker 2
distortion.

00;36;03;27 - 00;36;07;26
Speaker 1
I still think that I've played through that song multiple times.

00;36;07;26 - 00;36;10;21
Speaker 2
Better in different iterations, both before and after.

00;36;10;21 - 00;36;10;28
Speaker 1
It.

00;36;10;28 - 00;36;11;24
Speaker 1
I know

00;36;11;24 - 00;36;12;00
Speaker 1
that.

00;36;12;00 - 00;36;12;23
Speaker 2
My brain

00;36;12;23 - 00;36;14;12
Speaker 2
the way that it works, the chemical soup,

00;36;14;12 - 00;36;18;08
Speaker 2
it's lying to you sometimes, and I just have to trust the people, you know, my support network, like you pointed out.

00;36;18;08 - 00;36;19;07
Speaker 2
I've always known.

00;36;19;07 - 00;36;21;11
Speaker 1
That there's that level of like, I'm.

00;36;21;11 - 00;36;24;14
Speaker 2
Comfortable with the fact that I know that sometimes my senses are going to lie to me a little bit.

00;36;24;16 - 00;36;26;08
Speaker 1
And it's hard to learn that and.

00;36;26;08 - 00;36;29;12
Speaker 2
Accept that at any point. I've just had a lot longer to do it.

00;36;29;12 - 00;36;30;26
Speaker 1
So it doesn't bother me

00;36;30;26 - 00;36;31;20
Speaker 1
because I again, I.

00;36;31;20 - 00;36;33;10
Speaker 2
Received this wisdom at a young age

00;36;33;10 - 00;36;35;14
Speaker 2
definition of the immigrant's kid is

00;36;35;14 - 00;36;36;19
Speaker 2
absorbed the advantages of

00;36;36;19 - 00;36;37;25
Speaker 2
the better landing point.

00;36;37;25 - 00;36;39;15
Speaker 2
In my mind, that's how I see it.

00;36;39;15 - 00;36;40;08
Speaker 2
I mean, don't get me wrong.

00;36;40;08 - 00;36;43;05
Speaker 2
there are definitely negatives and I'm not like, you know, I'm very terrible of math.

00;36;43;05 - 00;36;46;14
Speaker 2
numbers are slippery. I definitely think I'd have a weird thing processing them.

00;36;46;14 - 00;36;50;03
Speaker 2
Visual spatial. I was always bad at. I think I told you I was, like, the worst at learning to tie my shoes.

00;36;50;03 - 00;36;55;19
Speaker 1
I was like, bro, I was a gym class in my grade school. One time, seven years old. Shoes came on. I couldn't figure.

00;36;55;19 - 00;36;57;12
Speaker 2
It out to shame, to ask for help.

00;36;57;14 - 00;36;58;05
Speaker 1
Played a whole game.

00;36;58;05 - 00;36;58;19
Speaker 2
Of soccer

00;36;58;19 - 00;36;58;28
Speaker 3
untied.

00;36;59;05 - 00;37;01;04
Speaker 2
Whoa, that's metal.

00;37;01;06 - 00;37;02;00
Speaker 3
I was

00;37;02;00 - 00;37;02;13
Speaker 1
spite.

00;37;02;13 - 00;37;04;01
Speaker 2
I wasn't, I was like refusing to do it.

00;37;04;08 - 00;37;05;03
Speaker 1
Oh my God, I was.

00;37;05;03 - 00;37;07;07
Speaker 2
So yeah, it is such a problematic situation.

00;37;07;07 - 00;37;08;06
Speaker 2
I have a vague

00;37;08;06 - 00;37;10;20
Speaker 2
memory of being bad at that as well,

00;37;10;20 - 00;37;19;06
Speaker 2
or being bad at something. I remember flash cards and and stuff just going over and over and over again, and I just wasn't getting it.

00;37;19;09 - 00;37;25;26
Speaker 2
I have to I'd have to ask my parents about that for clarification, because it's a very vague memory, and I might have made it up.

00;37;25;28 - 00;37;29;07
Speaker 1
But for me, it was so fucking funny.

00;37;29;10 - 00;37;31;28
Speaker 2
I worry about that with my memory. I worry about it,

00;37;31;28 - 00;37;33;11
Speaker 1
I. Oh, relatable. Yeah.

00;37;33;11 - 00;37;33;20
Speaker 2
They're

00;37;33;20 - 00;37;37;02
Speaker 3
Yeah, I know what you mean. Then I know what you mean.

00;37;37;02 - 00;37;40;24
Speaker 1
also that, handwriting. I have terrible handwriting.

00;37;40;24 - 00;37;41;13
Speaker 2
Oh, it's a terrible

00;37;41;27 - 00;37;44;12
Speaker 2
You do? I love you, but you do.

00;37;44;15 - 00;37;45;01
Speaker 3
Do my handwriting

00;37;45;01 - 00;37;49;12
Speaker 1
handwriting is horrible. I look like I have an essential tremor,

00;37;49;15 - 00;37;51;18
Speaker 2
I mean, I I've seen worse, I have.

00;37;51;18 - 00;37;52;27
Speaker 3
Seen I just write garbage with

00;37;52;27 - 00;37;53;16
Speaker 2
With a steady

00;37;53;16 - 00;37;56;18
Speaker 2
I have seen worse recently. So you're.

00;37;56;19 - 00;37;57;04
Speaker 3
I mean, there

00;37;57;04 - 00;37;59;26
Speaker 1
is worse for sure, but there is also

00;37;59;26 - 00;38;02;00
Speaker 1
7 to 80. 70 to 80.

00;38;02;00 - 00;38;03;27
Speaker 2
Percent of people are also doing better with that.

00;38;03;27 - 00;38;04;02
Speaker 1
I would

00;38;04;02 - 00;38;04;12
Speaker 3
say.

00;38;04;15 - 00;38;06;21
Speaker 2
Yeah, but also you are doctor.

00;38;06;21 - 00;38;10;01
Speaker 3
Well, that's what they tell me.

00;38;10;03 - 00;38;10;23
Speaker 2
And allegedly

00;38;10;23 - 00;38;11;14
Speaker 3
Allegedly

00;38;11;14 - 00;38;14;14
Speaker 2
you went through hell to get to where you are. You're

00;38;14;14 - 00;38;16;00
Speaker 2
you've talked about it on the podcast.

00;38;16;00 - 00;38;18;25
Speaker 2
not just anybody's telling you, you should tell you.

00;38;18;25 - 00;38;21;11
Speaker 1
Why you care. Because I'm not home.

00;38;21;19 - 00;38;22;23
Speaker 2
I get that, I get.

00;38;22;23 - 00;38;24;27
Speaker 3
That sending myself a voicemail.

00;38;24;29 - 00;38;27;07
Speaker 2
All right. You know what? Fair, fair.

00;38;27;09 - 00;38;27;17
Speaker 1
You know.

00;38;27;17 - 00;38;28;06
Speaker 3
You know how it is.

00;38;28;10 - 00;38;29;00
Speaker 1
I do also.

00;38;29;01 - 00;38;34;24
Speaker 3
This. You know why I'm doing that? Because executive functioning. Because I'm on Twitter.

00;38;34;27 - 00;38;38;10
Speaker 2
You're not avoiding. Well, you're avoiding a good thing now, though.

00;38;38;10 - 00;38;40;06
Speaker 3
Listen, I'm nothing if not consistent.

00;38;40;06 - 00;38;44;22
Speaker 2
It I've it. So. Hey, if it's good or bad. Neutral. I don't give a fuck. I'm avoiding you.

00;38;44;22 - 00;38;45;15
Speaker 3
Name a thing, I'll

00;38;45;15 - 00;38;46;02
Speaker 1
I'll avoid it.

00;38;47;01 - 00;38;49;00
Speaker 1
Maybe I'll fucking do it right.

00;38;49;03 - 00;38;52;28
Speaker 3
Never think of other words.

00;38;53;01 - 00;38;55;01
Speaker 2
I'm not going to name a thing,

00;38;55;01 - 00;38;58;20
Speaker 1
Never think I'll avoid it, bro. Because you know I'm in love with it, bro. I'm avoiding you even naming the thing.

00;38;58;20 - 00;39;00;28
Speaker 2
See, I'm avoiding naming the thing.

00;39;00;28 - 00;39;02;18
Speaker 3
kind of. I bit, bro, like.

00;39;02;18 - 00;39;05;01
Speaker 2
I know I took it. It's not go over. It's not now.

00;39;05;01 - 00;39;07;17
Speaker 2
But you're going. What are you going to do? You're just going to avoid me now?

00;39;09;23 - 00;39;18;28
Speaker 1
You think you know me? I don't know. I'm.

00;39;19;00 - 00;39;22;12
Speaker 2
That's seems so unfair.

00;39;22;19 - 00;39;23;14
Speaker 1
cause it is.

00;39;23;14 - 00;39;26;21
Speaker 2
But we get resilience from it. And that's what I learned from all of this,

00;39;26;21 - 00;39;29;04
Speaker 3
we get really from it. I tell myself

00;39;29;04 - 00;39;30;22
Speaker 2
that often so I can feel better about it.

00;39;30;22 - 00;39;32;08
Speaker 1
Actually, now we get

00;39;32;08 - 00;39;32;21
Speaker 3
resilient.

00;39;32;21 - 00;39;37;02
Speaker 2
Actually, I figured out what I want you to avoid. What is a negative self-talk?

00;39;38;12 - 00;39;39;24
Speaker 2
Get rekt, kiddo.

00;39;41;20 - 00;39;43;23
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;39;43;25 - 00;39;45;16
Speaker 2
I fucking dare you.

00;39;45;18 - 00;39;45;24
Speaker 3
I

00;39;45;24 - 00;39;47;24
Speaker 2
could avoid the challenge I set myself.

00;39;47;27 - 00;39;52;17
Speaker 3
you've already McFly. It me, I have, I have fun, I'll play ball.

00;39;52;18 - 00;39;53;07
Speaker 2
Big brush.

00;39;53;07 - 00;39;53;20

00;39;53;20 - 00;39;54;04
Speaker 1
Hi,

00;39;54;15 - 00;39;56;00
Speaker 1
editor Jordan here.

00;39;56;00 - 00;39;57;20
Speaker 1
For context.

00;39;57;20 - 00;40;06;06
Speaker 1
We talk for another three or so minutes, kind of about the idea of avoidance. There's a brief pause and then

00;40;06;06 - 00;40;07;03
Speaker 1
the moment

00;40;07;03 - 00;40;10;02
Speaker 1
that that pause ends is where I'm going to cut you back in.

00;40;10;02 - 00;40;11;14
Speaker 1
You're welcome

00;40;11;22 - 00;40;12;20
Speaker 1
in advance

00;40;12;26 - 00;40;13;23
Speaker 1
for something

00;40;13;28 - 00;40;15;23
Speaker 1
you didn't know. You had to thank me for.

00;40;16;12 - 00;40;18;04
Speaker 1
Love you.

00;40;18;04 - 00;40;18;17

00;40;18;22 - 00;40;20;03
Speaker 1
So? So

00;40;20;03 - 00;40;22;22
Speaker 1
I think this is actually so difficult. Please

00;40;22;22 - 00;40;32;16
Speaker 1
continue. Hahahahaha. Letter I'm not thinking any questions at this time. It is the.

00;40;32;16 - 00;40;36;14
Speaker 2
Hardest thing I've ever had to do. And my therapist told me I had to.

00;40;36;14 - 00;40;37;12
Speaker 2
So

00;40;37;12 - 00;40;42;11
Speaker 2
You had me read a book called Driven to Distraction. I did it, first of all.

00;40;42;11 - 00;40;46;05
Speaker 2
It is life changing for me. It was it was validating. It was,

00;40;46;05 - 00;40;47;14
Speaker 2
it gave me a lot of stuff.

00;40;47;14 - 00;40;52;25
Speaker 2
And they talk about being so quick to emotion. And you and I have kind of always been very emotional.

00;40;52;25 - 00;40;53;12
Speaker 2
Men. Yeah.

00;40;53;12 - 00;40;54;14
Speaker 3
We're hard on our sleeves.

00;40;54;15 - 00;40;55;18
Speaker 1
I do. Yeah.

00;40;55;18 - 00;40;58;11
Speaker 2
And I, I wouldn't have it any other way,

00;40;58;14 - 00;40;58;22
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00;40;58;22 - 00;41;01;26
Speaker 2
Do you ever wish that that wasn't part of it

00;41;01;26 - 00;41;02;05
Speaker 3
often?

00;41;02;05 - 00;41;03;10
Speaker 2
Yeah. Okay. I,

00;41;03;10 - 00;41;04;06
Speaker 2
every day.

00;41;04;15 - 00;41;05;25
Speaker 2
Is there a favorite symptom.

00;41;05;25 - 00;41;09;02
Speaker 1
You know my favorite something. Yeah.

00;41;09;10 - 00;41;10;12
Speaker 2
Echolalia audio.

00;41;10;12 - 00;41;12;18
Speaker 1
Echoing did 100% the copying.

00;41;12;18 - 00;41;15;07
Speaker 2
Voices and shit. Dude, that's my absolute favorite symptom, bro.

00;41;15;07 - 00;41;18;23
Speaker 1
we we both do that better than normies I that's my absolute favorite symptom.

00;41;18;23 - 00;41;21;06
Speaker 1
I'm the train kid of copying sounds, baby

00;41;21;06 - 00;41;25;13
Speaker 1
Remember I was, I copied that. I tried to like, I have a piano app on my phone.

00;41;25;13 - 00;41;28;00
Speaker 2
Just so I could copy figure out what note a horn was

00;41;28;00 - 00;41;28;25
Speaker 3
playing like.

00;41;28;25 - 00;41;32;01
Speaker 2
Yes, that's right, you did do that. Yeah. You texted me.

00;41;32;04 - 00;41;32;23
Speaker 1
Like, what are.

00;41;32;23 - 00;41;33;02
Speaker 3
You talking

00;41;33;02 - 00;41;34;27
Speaker 1
talking about? Yeah, that's easy question.

00;41;34;27 - 00;41;35;21
Speaker 2
Your turn.

00;41;35;21 - 00;41;36;24
Speaker 3
Oh.

00;41;36;24 - 00;41;39;03
Speaker 2
the emotional stuff I take,

00;41;39;03 - 00;41;42;18
Speaker 2
I wish it wasn't a thing that I was quick to. It,

00;41;42;18 - 00;41;43;02
Speaker 2
but

00;41;43;02 - 00;41;52;18
Speaker 2
learning to control it through therapy has made me a lot more empathetic over the years. And I really like

00;41;52;18 - 00;41;56;07
Speaker 2
So I guess really what I'm saying is I like pattern recognition.

00;41;56;09 - 00;42;02;22
Speaker 2
I like being able to see, oh, this is how this is going to play out. This is how this person is going to feel. Let me.

00;42;02;22 - 00;42;03;16
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.

00;42;03;16 - 00;42;04;09
Speaker 3
Yeah yeah yeah.

00;42;04;09 - 00;42;11;17
Speaker 2
Figure that it's it's almost like being able to be a little clairvoyant and then when you're wrong it's like a little surprise.

00;42;11;17 - 00;42;12;13
Speaker 1
Oh I did.

00;42;12;13 - 00;42;15;13
Speaker 2
I so know what you mean. Like I'm like I'm playing this mini game constantly. It's like

00;42;15;16 - 00;42;20;20
Speaker 2
But sometimes being wrong about it sucks too. I think all symptoms to some degree. So, I.

00;42;20;20 - 00;42;22;03
Speaker 3
Mean, I be betting on myself in

00;42;22;03 - 00;42;34;11
Speaker 2
in that way. Where in a way I have no right to assume. Like trying to think like I two confident. Not that I think people are going to react sometimes. And then the result is that I then become avoidant of doing it. And I think that I self I doubt that I'll be able to predict it correctly at all.

00;42;34;16 - 00;42;35;12
Speaker 2
So then I don't do anything.

00;42;35;20 - 00;42;37;13
Speaker 2
Yeah. Exactly that.

00;42;37;13 - 00;42;49;29
Speaker 2
If it's not that, if that's just a normal human thing, I would probably say my ability to multitask is better than a lot of my peers. And I think that is due in part to ADHD.

00;42;50;07 - 00;42;51;23
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, 100%. I, I.

00;42;51;23 - 00;42;55;03
Speaker 2
Have no evidence for that, but I completely believe that it is. I feel the same way

00;42;55;15 - 00;42;56;04
Speaker 1
In fact,

00;42;56;04 - 00;42;56;16
Speaker 1
one of our.

00;42;56;16 - 00;42;57;12
Speaker 2
Mutual friends,

00;42;57;12 - 00;42;59;17
Speaker 2
and his wife have both commented,

00;42;59;17 - 00;43;04;25
Speaker 2
we've all played Super Smash friends. And they'll be like, why are you giving a Ted X about some garbage while playing Super Smash Bros.

00;43;04;25 - 00;43;07;03
Speaker 2
You've done that drunk before to.

00;43;07;03 - 00;43;08;21
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's true.

00;43;08;24 - 00;43;13;09
Speaker 2
I witnessed it. I got my ass kicked. I was also drunk though.

00;43;13;11 - 00;43;13;24
Speaker 3
There are

00;43;13;24 - 00;43;15;17
Speaker 1
very many people.

00;43;15;17 - 00;43;18;24
Speaker 2
Who I have met in my,

00;43;18;24 - 00;43;26;20
Speaker 2
run up to my current line of work, where they're outstanding smash players. But I know I really get sweaty at that game. I really love

00;43;27;10 - 00;43;28;27
Speaker 2
You do. You always have.

00;43;28;27 - 00;43;29;20
Speaker 2
I'm a train kid.

00;43;31;00 - 00;43;31;04
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;43;31;04 - 00;43;32;07
Speaker 2
thousands of hours into that game.

00;43;32;12 - 00;43;38;28
Speaker 2
Yeah. I don't mind hyper fixation either. I do when it's not productive.

00;43;38;28 - 00;43;41;12
Speaker 2
I'm very aware of it, but I'm not going to stop.

00;43;41;14 - 00;43;42;23
Speaker 3
I just go on the ride.

00;43;42;23 - 00;43;54;02
Speaker 2
I honestly have made peace with that. I'm like, I just did every dedicated my life to being in a situation where as much time as possible, I have some flexibility to like. If I got to read every Wikipedia article about Resident Evil, I can write that

00;43;54;02 - 00;43;54;11
Speaker 3
in there.

00;43;54;11 - 00;43;55;18
Speaker 2
Absolutely

00;43;55;18 - 00;43;56;22
Speaker 2
not. It just comes at.

00;43;56;22 - 00;43;58;18
Speaker 3
Such a high good like hyper

00;43;58;18 - 00;43;59;17
Speaker 2
fixation.

00;43;59;20 - 00;44;02;14
Speaker 1
It does. Dude, you got to pay the ADHD

00;44;02;15 - 00;44;04;07
Speaker 2
That's right. It's just such a high tax.

00;44;04;07 - 00;44;05;11
Speaker 2
You know, I feel like

00;44;05;11 - 00;44;14;09
Speaker 2
the reason I bring up favorite symptoms is just to kind of have a little bit of fun with it. But a lot of the symptoms, even hyper fixation to some degree can suck.

00;44;14;09 - 00;44;17;14
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah

00;44;17;14 - 00;44;20;18
Speaker 1
You know again I've had some along to to like play the game. I've like.

00;44;20;20 - 00;44;21;18
Speaker 2
Quantified it as the.

00;44;21;18 - 00;44;25;26
Speaker 1
Council and I'm like yeah baby. Like I just got it. Like I know what I can change I know.

00;44;25;26 - 00;44;26;20
Speaker 2
What I can't change.

00;44;26;21 - 00;44;27;21
Speaker 1
You know, you find a way.

00;44;27;21 - 00;44;29;24
Speaker 1
Again I can see why we're prone to people.

00;44;29;24 - 00;44;32;14
Speaker 2
Like us are prone to dementia, stuff like that. Because, honestly,

00;44;32;14 - 00;44;35;20
Speaker 2
going back to the elderly, dementia people I often see and interact with,

00;44;35;20 - 00;44;37;12
Speaker 2
you'll be surprised at how long somebody

00;44;37;12 - 00;44;38;16
Speaker 3
like, partway checked out,

00;44;38;22 - 00;44;45;18
Speaker 2
of their cognition is keeping their life going by, like, increasingly Rube Goldberg level, complex coping mechanisms.

00;44;45;20 - 00;44;47;27
Speaker 1
Still paying the bills, still doing a high functioning.

00;44;47;27 - 00;44;49;06
Speaker 2
Job, partially just eyeballing it.

00;44;49;12 - 00;44;51;16
Speaker 1
Honestly, I can see how.

00;44;51;16 - 00;44;56;05
Speaker 2
Joe Biden's dementia had probably been sitting for a lot longer than we saw it, and he finally crossed the threshold where he was,

00;44;56;05 - 00;44;57;01
Speaker 2
not able to,

00;44;57;01 - 00;45;01;22
Speaker 2
have enough of a working memory anymore to do anything other than just try to base his speech off of what he's hearing,

00;45;01;26 - 00;45;04;01
Speaker 2
Well, I think also to some degree it's

00;45;04;01 - 00;45;20;18
Speaker 2
spent a lifetime doing one thing. Got to the very top and put in your two weeks. You know, that has to be a very powerful feeling and has to be a very real feeling. And it's like, I don't care if they think I have dementia. And even if maybe it's diagnosed even, I don't even care.

00;45;20;18 - 00;45;23;04
Speaker 2
I'm just going to be this.

00;45;24;01 - 00;45;30;20
Speaker 2
I cannot believe that you just made me appreciate the gigachad energy of Joe Biden. I do not like him. And I'm

00;45;30;20 - 00;45;31;26
Speaker 3
I know like

00;45;31;26 - 00;45;33;20
Speaker 2
respect that play. You're right.

00;45;33;20 - 00;45;35;24
Speaker 2
I'm not a fan either. You know this you know where.

00;45;35;27 - 00;45;36;05
Speaker 3
But you're

00;45;36;05 - 00;45;37;08
Speaker 1
you're right, dude, that's a big

00;45;37;08 - 00;45;37;21
Speaker 3
play.

00;45;37;23 - 00;45;47;02
Speaker 2
It is. It's huge. And I think being on a world stage and doing it and doing it relatively well, given age and ability

00;45;47;02 - 00;45;48;19
Speaker 2
can't be understated.

00;45;48;19 - 00;45;49;11
Speaker 1
no lying dog.

00;45;49;11 - 00;45;50;27
Speaker 2
Faced pony soldier, that's for

00;45;50;27 - 00;45;55;12
Speaker 2
Sure. Yeah, he was given the backpack later in life, and now he has to rock the backpack for a bit.

00;45;55;15 - 00;45;57;06
Speaker 1
I cannot believe.

00;45;57;06 - 00;46;01;03
Speaker 2
How much you've just made me against my will. Sympathize with Joe Biden. I'm

00;46;01;03 - 00;46;09;26
Speaker 2
with what I think that it's hot. It's hard right to want to do that. It's hard to do that with everybody. I certainly don't do it with

00;46;09;26 - 00;46;11;22
Speaker 2
the other side of the aisle.

00;46;11;22 - 00;46;14;23
Speaker 2
I don't want to feel whatever they're feeling. You know.

00;46;15;01 - 00;46;16;24
Speaker 2
I agree, I don't I don't feel

00;46;16;24 - 00;46;17;05
Speaker 3
anything.

00;46;17;05 - 00;46;21;15
Speaker 2
And they're bad at what they do. All of them. There's there's a difference.

00;46;21;15 - 00;46;21;29
Speaker 1
ever to be.

00;46;21;29 - 00;46;23;04
Speaker 2
Close to a situation where

00;46;23;04 - 00;46;24;24
Speaker 2
I could feel like I could justify it for a second,

00;46;24;24 - 00;46;26;13
Speaker 3
because I definitely know I'm one of the people that if

00;46;26;13 - 00;46;28;13
Speaker 2
if I got into it, like bit by bit, I could.

00;46;28;13 - 00;46;31;16
Speaker 2
I know that it's it's that's a gross thing and I don't I agree with you.

00;46;31;16 - 00;46;32;10
Speaker 2
I don't want to know anything

00;46;32;10 - 00;46;32;24
Speaker 3
that.

00;46;32;26 - 00;46;33;19
Speaker 2
No, I don't like.

00;46;33;19 - 00;46;34;17
Speaker 3
I don't want to, I don't want

00;46;34;17 - 00;46;35;15
Speaker 1
to I don't want.

00;46;35;15 - 00;46;39;29
Speaker 2
To feel what they're feeling, to like to produce the outcome of whatever is coming out of their mouths. You know what I mean?

00;46;39;29 - 00;46;46;21
Speaker 2
beyond this, I don't really entertain the conversation about the other side because of what they project and what they don't do.

00;46;46;21 - 00;46;48;00
Speaker 2
Yeah, the far right is not

00;46;48;00 - 00;46;48;10
Speaker 3
game.

00;46;48;10 - 00;46;49;22
Speaker 2
No.

00;46;49;26 - 00;46;57;14
Speaker 2
I mean, I think the Democrat Party is also too far right for me. But then another story. But anyway, we got deep into this. This is such as our such as our nature. But

00;46;57;14 - 00;46;59;15
Speaker 2
The favorite symptom is the one that can be superpowers.

00;46;59;15 - 00;47;00;10
Speaker 1
So,

00;47;00;10 - 00;47;08;06
Speaker 2
I want to talk about this because I think it's just easier going forward when we talk about it more to have the vocab surrounding it and to have the context of

00;47;08;06 - 00;47;11;01
Speaker 2
how we got here and where our viewpoints come from.

00;47;11;01 - 00;47;12;12
Speaker 2
And I think also,

00;47;12;12 - 00;47;19;06
Speaker 2
this is how people who are hearing this, if any huge if true, will be able to anticipate maybe even where the next episodes

00;47;19;06 - 00;47;21;08
Speaker 3
are going to go, because that's where, you know, I'm

00;47;21;08 - 00;47;23;06
Speaker 2
my writing ideas from other shit that we're talking about.

00;47;23;11 - 00;47;24;29
Speaker 2
You know, kind of like Joe Biden giving a press conference.

00;47;26;11 - 00;47;27;15
Speaker 2
There it is.

00;47;27;15 - 00;47;27;25
Speaker 2
found

00;47;27;25 - 00;47;36;27
Speaker 2
way back. I knew you come back eventually. I just, you know, I, I didn't know how long. Apparently it's only five minutes.

00;47;36;27 - 00;47;37;14
Speaker 1
back.

00;47;37;14 - 00;47;38;20
Speaker 1
Actually, to be fair, it's.

00;47;38;20 - 00;47;39;29
Speaker 2
Not even a dig at him specifically.

00;47;39;29 - 00;47;41;19
Speaker 1
justice for all guys. The duties do

00;47;41;19 - 00;47;42;18
Speaker 1
there's like this.

00;47;42;18 - 00;47;43;14
Speaker 1
I can't let.

00;47;43;14 - 00;47;46;26
Speaker 2
Anybody know that. Like, I'm not with it and I don't know what's going on. Thing that like.

00;47;46;26 - 00;47;49;03
Speaker 1
Seizes people in these situations. But I get that.

00;47;49;03 - 00;47;49;24
Speaker 1
And then

00;47;49;24 - 00;47;51;07
Speaker 1
he they, they forget they're working.

00;47;51;07 - 00;47;52;28
Speaker 2
Then he goes away and then they, they can remember

00;47;52;28 - 00;47;57;26
Speaker 2
flashbulb memory, like the thing they just heard themselves say. And they're like, why would I have said that? What do I normally say about

00;47;59;02 - 00;48;00;08
Speaker 1
back. So literally you can hear him doing.

00;48;00;08 - 00;48;01;14
Speaker 2
It like he does it in the debate.

00;48;01;14 - 00;48;02;06
Speaker 1
Like after that first

00;48;02;06 - 00;48;02;21
Speaker 3
debate.

00;48;02;23 - 00;48;08;12
Speaker 2
Dude. Yeah, I mean, I, I just, I think he even knew then that he was just done.

00;48;08;12 - 00;48;08;20
Speaker 2
Bad for

00;48;08;20 - 00;48;09;19
Speaker 3
like, I actually really

00;48;09;19 - 00;48;10;05
Speaker 2
level

00;48;10;05 - 00;48;12;19
Speaker 2
you're decisions in this fact, like the fact that we're doing this clown show is

00;48;12;19 - 00;48;14;29
Speaker 2
going to have a very real cost and did really I mean, it did really.

00;48;14;29 - 00;48;15;10
Speaker 1
Harm,

00;48;15;10 - 00;48;20;26
Speaker 3
at what our, our election won, you know, like real harm was done as a result of that, you know, hubris and arrogance.

00;48;20;29 - 00;48;22;08
Speaker 3
Absolutely. You could win just because

00;48;22;08 - 00;48;23;14
Speaker 2
you're not the other guy.

00;48;23;14 - 00;48;25;15
Speaker 2
we can talk about election stuff.

00;48;25;17 - 00;48;26;19
Speaker 3
Yeah. Sorry I got back.

00;48;26;19 - 00;48;32;02
Speaker 2
To that again. No that's fine. No it's it is a very good point to make about everything we've talked about because

00;48;32;02 - 00;48;32;18
Speaker 1
tied to

00;48;32;18 - 00;48;33;26
Speaker 3
Yeah. If we have the

00;48;33;26 - 00;48;34;12
Speaker 1
vocab.

00;48;34;12 - 00;48;39;10
Speaker 2
To discuss these things earlier on and like, there's no shame in your cognitive performance or you think changing or that.

00;48;39;10 - 00;48;40;26
Speaker 1
Being a cognitive, a finite value,

00;48;40;26 - 00;48;44;11
Speaker 1
we know that because we are engaging with the fact that we have.

00;48;44;11 - 00;48;47;29
Speaker 2
These features about us and we're still performing in our in our respective ways in.

00;48;47;29 - 00;48;48;29
Speaker 1
and doing well.

00;48;48;29 - 00;48;53;16
Speaker 2
agree and I and I think I'm coming closer to terms with it.

00;48;53;16 - 00;48;54;16
Speaker 2
I've told

00;48;54;16 - 00;49;01;11
Speaker 2
a lot of people about it and I've, I've, I've reflected on it a lot, but I'm still coming up with

00;49;01;11 - 00;49;05;18
Speaker 2
thoughts and feelings here that are just like, I wish that wasn't the case. I wish,

00;49;05;18 - 00;49;16;11
Speaker 2
I wish I could live like fucking John over there sometimes, you know, I wish I could just not deal with the very high and low ceilings of emotion and energy all the time.

00;49;16;11 - 00;49;25;18
Speaker 2
I wish I didn't have to, as you, you have put it in the past, run my body in manual, instead of automatic. Sometimes. Sometimes I wish.

00;49;25;18 - 00;49;27;21
Speaker 2
manly to drive in stick shift. I'm told.

00;49;27;21 - 00;49;29;24
Speaker 2
I've heard that, too. I do not know how.

00;49;29;24 - 00;49;30;03
Speaker 1
know.

00;49;30;03 - 00;49;32;27
Speaker 2
How. And this is a true story I learned in past in

00;49;33;01 - 00;49;34;24
Speaker 2
Actually, I remember that story.

00;49;34;24 - 00;49;36;00
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;49;36;00 - 00;49;37;07
Speaker 1
I learned from a guy who.

00;49;37;07 - 00;49;37;18
Speaker 2
Then

00;49;37;18 - 00;49;40;02
Speaker 2
later, I think, said that same car on fire.

00;49;40;23 - 00;49;43;01
Speaker 1
Dude, or.

00;49;43;04 - 00;49;47;12
Speaker 2
stole it or sold it, I don't know. The car is damaged and lost now. And as a result of his

00;49;47;24 - 00;49;50;21
Speaker 2
And probably would have made a dope ass album cover if it was on fire.

00;49;50;25 - 00;49;52;16
Speaker 1
Yeah. What? A dude is like a tiny Suzuki.

00;49;52;24 - 00;49;55;10
Speaker 2
Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That would have gone hard.

00;49;55;17 - 00;49;57;23
Speaker 2
Yeah. It would've been like a Beastie Boys or a rage album.

00;49;58;04 - 00;49;59;05
Speaker 2
Maybe. Yeah,

00;49;59;05 - 00;50;00;21
Speaker 2
boy, rage against the machine.

00;50;00;21 - 00;50;01;21
Speaker 3
Battalion rock!

00;50;01;28 - 00;50;04;06
Speaker 1
Shout out! God damn it!

00;50;04;09 - 00;50;05;28
Speaker 1
Anyway, that's what I got.

00;50;05;28 - 00;50;09;12
Speaker 2
I don't know, man. I just wanted to. I just wanted to talk about feelings,

00;50;09;12 - 00;50;09;23
Speaker 3
and I.

00;50;09;24 - 00;50;11;18
Speaker 2
Yeah, we've never done it publicly.

00;50;11;18 - 00;50;13;28
Speaker 2
Yeah, I know it's kind of good, to be honest.

00;50;13;28 - 00;50;17;07
Speaker 2
It's pretty gay, but I'm. I'm proud of it. I'm. I'm proud of

00;50;17;07 - 00;50;32;15
Speaker 2
the growth, the perspective shift. I'm proud of how much I care for other people. And I just hope more people who are in either of our camps, either early diagnosis or late, I hope they all find some peace with it.

00;50;32;15 - 00;50;33;19
Speaker 2
Truly I do.

00;50;33;19 - 00;50;34;09
Speaker 3
I don't.

00;50;34;09 - 00;50;35;26
Speaker 2
I hate you all and I hate me

00;50;35;26 - 00;50;37;19
Speaker 2
It's the 18 limbs.

00;50;38;02 - 00;50;40;14
Speaker 1
I mean, I don't know what to tell you, man. When you're right, you're right. Anyway,

00;50;40;14 - 00;50;42;10
Speaker 3
you got any other thoughts?

00;50;42;10 - 00;50;43;20
Speaker 1
Any closing remarks?

00;50;43;25 - 00;50;46;20
Speaker 2
No. I'm glad you had this as an idea.

00;50;46;20 - 00;50;48;13
Speaker 2
this was a very cathartic one.

00;50;48;13 - 00;50;49;07
Speaker 1
think it'll be a good.

00;50;49;08 - 00;50;51;06
Speaker 2
Toxic Positivity Friday episode.

00;50;51;12 - 00;50;57;20
Speaker 2
I do like toxic positivity. Sometimes. I like it in doses. I micro dose toxic positivity the

00;50;57;20 - 00;50;58;19
Speaker 3
same.

00;50;58;19 - 00;51;01;16
Speaker 2
Well, thanks for being distracted with us. You all.

00;51;01;16 - 00;51;03;15
Speaker 2
and thank you for taking the dive

00;51;03;15 - 00;51;04;10
Speaker 2
the night.

00;51;05;04 - 00;51;14;10
Unknown
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