Your Nervous System Is Key to Better Sex and Higher Performance - Nico Verresen

Dive deep into the intimate connection between high performance, emotional intelligence, and sexual fulfillment with Thai champion and performance psychologist Nico Verresen. This provocative conversation challenges conventional wisdom about pleasure, revealing how our approach to intimacy serves as a mirror to our entire approach to life.

Nico introduces revolutionary concepts that transform how we understand desire and connection. Contrary to popular belief, true intimacy isn't about becoming one with your partner—it thrives in the space between individuals who choose rather than need each other. "Real intimacy is daring to say no when the other one wants you to say yes," he explains, offering a perspective that honors both autonomy and connection.

The discussion tackles what Nico calls the "two-sided orgasm gap"—not just the commonly discussed disparity in orgasm frequency between men and women, but the deeper quality gap affecting everyone. Through practical techniques like "no-nonsense tantra" and the "soaking in pleasure" method, listeners gain actionable strategies for slowing down, synchronizing nervous systems, and expanding pleasure potential beyond conventional limitations.

Perhaps most valuable are Nico's insights on communication. Rather than direct criticism, he shares subtle yet powerful approaches using positive reinforcement and behavioral cues that honor each partner's dignity while creating space for growth. These strategies extend beyond the bedroom, offering wisdom for all relationship dynamics.

Ready to transform your relationship with pleasure and performance? This episode provides the roadmap for rewiring intimacy, calming your nervous system, and discovering depths of connection you never knew were possible. Your body already contains an "anti-anxiety, anti-depression pharmacy"—Nico shows you how to access it.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Nico and Pleasure Principles
• 1:38 Brain-Body Connection and Intimate Play
• 4:31 Creating Desire Through Space
• 8:09 Understanding the Orgasm Gap
• 11:38 No-Nonsense Tantra Techniques
• 18:00 Pleasure Scan and Mind-Body Awareness
• 23:26 Communication Strategies for Better Intimacy
• 34:20 Final Thoughts and Connecting with Nico

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome listeners to the pleasure principles, the space where high performance meets emotional intelligence and where we don't shy away from asking the deep, sometimes spicy questions. I'm your host, sana, and today's episode is for all my ambitious, purpose-driven listeners who know that burnout, breakdowns and even bedroom disconnection can sneak in when mental health takes a backseat to business performance. So let's flip the script. Well, I'm joined by Nico Verzin Muir, thai champion, mma fighter, performance psychologist and resilient strategist to elite athletes, and CEO. Well, nico isn't just about tough love listeners. He's about training your nervous system, your mindset and even your relationships to thrive under pressure. Now, this episode is going to challenge how you view stress, performance and, of course, pleasure. So let's quickly get into this. So, nico, welcome. Yeah, I mean yeah. So, nico, what's this connection between brain, body and then the pleasure centers of our body? Why do you think it is so important to acknowledge that? Yes, there is a connection. I mean, it's just for pleasure. Why? Why would I even be bothered to delve into this?

Speaker 2: 1:51

well, because we are animals and I think, I think something, but we're much more than animals. So I truly believe that our intimate lives and the so-called pleasure is a window into how we do life, and so it's also one of the only places where adults are allowed to play, to be silly, to do things that should not be allowed, and so it's a place where you can literally be a completely different person. So I think that's one important aspect. So I think that's one important aspect. The second important aspect is that we have this anti-anxiety, anti-depression pharmacy in our bodies.

Speaker 2: 3:00

Yeah, okay, touch each other, whether it is sexual or sensual. When we get connected with our own bodies, through our contact with each other, we create what I call the yin-yang of connection, whereby you're deep in your connection with yourself through your connection with the other and you deep in the connection with the other through your connection with the other, and you deepen the connection with the other through your connection with yourself. Like with animals, you know traditional sex therapy. They just focus more on the mechanics and on the sensory focus and they say, oh, we have an orgasmic problem or we have to do sensory focus exercise. Well, yeah, that might help, but very often it's not so much a problem of sensory focus that can be a problem, but very often it is because there's no desire.

Speaker 1: 3:57

Yep.

Speaker 2: 3:59

Because many couples they believe the myth that intimacy is oneness. You become one, but the problem is, your desire grows when there's a space to bridge.

Speaker 1: 4:16

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: 4:18

So, if you're one, it's like you're practically sleeping with yourself, and that's not very exciting, is it? Well, it can be, but generally so, like many people think, oh, real intimacy is the following Imagine you are wine and I am beer.

Speaker 1: 4:37

Okay.

Speaker 2: 4:38

We each are. Oh, that looks interesting. You do some beer with your wine, I do some wine with my beer. Until, we are a mixture that nobody wants to drink.

Speaker 1: 4:50

Exactly that would be terrible.

Speaker 2: 4:53

So what we need to learn to do Is we need to learn to create this. It's like a balance between closeness and togetherness and separateness, closeness to ourselves, whereby we know that we don't need each other, but we choose each other. Only then you can feel desire and feel desired, because if somebody needs you, even for sex, then you know. If somebody needs you, even for sex, then you know. If somebody needs you, then how can they love you for who you are?

Speaker 1: 5:31

Exactly, I completely agree with that.

Speaker 2: 5:36

So, yeah, so I really believe that learning how to enrich your intimate life, whether it's with yourself or with your partner, is an absolute powerful way. It's like meditation on steroids, you know. It's like, because when you learn to stay fully present in that most vulnerable position, together with your partner, well that's a full contact sport. I always say intimacy is a full contact sport.

Speaker 1: 6:09

Yep, it is.

Speaker 2: 6:14

Because to me, intimacy is really daring to show yourself, daring to face yourself and your limits and your bad or less rosy parts in the presence of someone that you love. Real intimacy is daring to say no when the other one wants you to say yes.

Speaker 1: 6:40

That is such a profound view of this Because it kind of has been glorified to the very wrong extent, but it expresses such amount of vulnerability from both the partners there the partners there. And when it comes to orgasm, nico, since we are addressing the two-sided orgasm gap, we often hear about this as a quantity issue. So before we you know, we were recording we were talking about how women are having fewer orgasms than men, or maybe some men. They believe that women have the privilege of having multiple orgasms, but men don't have. But you look at this other side of the gap and you know you, you throw a meaning at quantity versus quality or performance versus presence. So what's what's? How do you define the two-sided orgasm gap and why do you believe it is just as crucial for men's quality as it is for women's?

Speaker 2: 7:56

quantity. So, first of all, a lot of men have no idea how to please a woman because they learn from porn that that's the way to do it. And how many men can? Even if they could, even if they have the stamina and the big sausage that porn gives, like you know, it will not work for many women because it's about connection, it's about depth, it's about being there together. It's a different pace. So men, you know, are more like fire. We are excited fast, and then guns, and then you know it's gone fast away too normally from from, from, from nature, faster way too. Normally, from nature, women take much longer. But for me, like you know, this is like an anomaly. It's really strange actually that this is the case, because it doesn't make sense that a woman needs much longer to orgasm than men and that many women never have an orgasm with their husbands. What is it? 70% or 60%? It's crazy.

Speaker 2: 9:14

But then the women that do well, many of them have well, have multiple and deep orgasms, can have such a rich tapestry of experiences. They, some of you, can have nipple orgasms, neck orgasms, orgasms, deep spot orgasms, anal orgasms, you know, g-spot orgasms, you know, oh, spot you have. You have so many experience and there's like this great like, and actually I think that's one of the reasons that there has been a repression of female sexuality. Because it's so powerful, men can reach multiple and different orgasms too, also so orgasms without ejaculation. But it takes a lot of training because we have to read, train our nervous systems now. I think also a lot has to do with with what we what we talked about before about the stress like know. A lot of people are walking around with stressed nervous systems, which means that a lot of men have a chronic tension in their anus and in their pelvic floor which shortens, you know, the time to ejaculate extremely.

Speaker 2: 10:42

Women have this too, and that's why many women only can orgasm through the clitoris. Not because they couldn't it's impossible to orgasm through the vaginal spots but because they are chronically dense inside. So imagine you squeeze your belly. When somebody says you squeeze your belly, why? Because you don't want to feel the pain, and so yeah, then it will feel less pleasurable as well. So both men and women need to calm the bleep down.

Speaker 2: 11:36

So what I do with some of my clients that have really issues is I put them through and I'm not gonna sit next to them and tell them how to do it. But in the session I explained to them that they can do what I call no-nonsense tantra. Okay, but it's not really tantra. Let's be honest. Like you know, these days people call about neo-tantra, which is only a little part of the big big. Well, you from India you know like it's such an entire philosophy and a bunch of things. So, but I call it like that because it captures attention.

Speaker 2: 12:10

Why call it no-nonsense? Because it comes down to slowing down, to looking each other in the eyes all the time. Just put on a little light and look into each other's eyes continuously, which is really intense for many people, because all of a sudden you're not being used as an inflatable doll, as like a walking dildo. That moment it goes about deep connection. Then, once you boat run, and then you can go over all your genius zones, you know all the soft spots that are covered by flesh, for example, inside of the like. The side of your core under your armpits is very sensitive. Your nipples, the bottom of your feet, your neck, behind your ear, your lower lip. Well, you have many, many places.

Speaker 2: 13:09

Of course you know, but first explore that so you can learn to get used to each other's body, then I advise, once you both are really excited, and perhaps even after the women had multiple orgasms through manual or through oral stimulation, then we do something what I call soaking in pleasure. So it comes down, you enter and then you stay and you don't move, or practically don't move, for 10 to 15, sometimes even 30 minutes. Just move enough so you can stay hard. During that time you kiss, you breathe together, you caress each other, you look each other in the eyes all the time. Now, why is this so powerful? And people say, oh, it's going to be boring. No, it's going to be really intense. I can promise you that. Because again, you look each other in the eyes and you really start to see each other. You start to see the little child or perhaps even the, the woman, that or the man that got violated in the past. All these things are going to come up because all of a sudden you're not just. You're not just, you're not distracting yourself with just jamming like your rabbits. That's why you're soaking in pleasure.

Speaker 2: 14:35

But what happens also physiologically is you nervous system starts to co-regulate, your brain starts to co-regulate, starts to have the same brain waves, because when you're looking into each other's eyes if you're not a psychopath. But if you're not a psychopath, your brain is going to literally synchronize with each other. Your entire nervous system is going to synchronize, and if you both are breathing slowly and deeply, you know you're going to start to feel much more. Then what will inevitably happen is that also the pelvic floors of both the man and the woman will relax. What is even more interesting is that then the vaginal walls of the woman will collapse, because many women say, ah, you have to do kegels. You have to do kegels to get tight. Yeah, it tightens up the entrance, but inside when you tighten the entrance inside balloons. So then once you have, the entrance becomes a bit more open, but then the vaginal walls collapse. And that's interesting because then you're going to feel it also on your penis.

Speaker 2: 15:45

It's as if there's like this velvet glove that is slowly starting to really embrace you fully, and then after 10, 15, 20 minutes, depending on how trained you are, you slowly start to move very miniscule movements and what you will see is that you will feel so much because you have relaxed your nervous system, you're completely present. That's like almost an orgasmic state. You're just doing that and then slowly you can up the tempo and many want to go to more traditional, more hard In the beginning. It's best to keep like that, ideally. A man then doesn't ejaculate. A man says why would I keep up my orgasm? Because in the short term it's a loss. But you will learn to retrain your nervous system so you can stay in pleasure much longer and what will happen is slowly your threshold, the amount of pleasure that you can take before you ejaculate, will go higher and higher and higher.

Speaker 2: 17:00

But that takes a lot of time and takes a woman that doesn't want your sperm immediately. So it takes two people to tango. For a woman it's also much more in line with how a woman's body is, more like water reacts. It starts to slowly warm up. But what's also really interesting is that once you do that long enough, the uterus you know the cervix, the end of the uterus, will drop down and because it will also be relaxed, then it's very strange. Then it's like there's this very carnal side of women that will come up. There's this almost like this holy whore that awakens, that wants to get fucked really hard. It's really crazy. It's like a transformation from extremely soft and then to you can't go hard enough. But because you both relax your nervous system, then most men will be able to do it without you know ejaculating within a minute Because the nervous system. Then most men will be able to do it without you know ejaculating within a minute because the nervous system relaxed you mean to say that.

Speaker 1: 18:15

You know we I mean men have to start slow, and both of the partners, they have to start gradually, slowly yes and that kind of know. The nervous system relaxes at different places and then it's then the actual action happening.

Speaker 2: 18:34

Yes. Well, then that will automatically get stronger, stronger, stronger, and after a while, after you do that for a few weeks, while your nervous systems are so synchronized, then you can do a quickie that is wild and powerful. But you don't have that quickie orgasmic response anymore because your nervous system is used to that Like, when you can do that, then you can have sex much more often, because then it's not just about sex, no, it's about that deep, deep connection where it's like a mutual meditation, it's like an honoring of both, each other's bodies, each other's souls almost. But for many people it sounds so strange because it's so opposite to what porn shows, and I mean like after half an hour, an hour, it might even be wilder than normal porn, you know, like it can go really wild and scream, because when you do that it pulls up old imprints, you know, of our ancestors. You know we have that genetic memory in us where we can go really wild, as beasts almost.

Speaker 2: 19:48

But without you know, I think a lot of people have an unconscious belief that they are not allowed to enjoy full pleasure, for sure in Christian countries. I think it's a subconsciously that we learn that sex is bad. Sex is bad, and so men come fast and women don't come. And so then men, yeah, like men, some men are different, they can ejaculate and they can keep on going, but many men can't. Now that is. But there is so much more Like, once you start to learn to make love in this way, or to fuck in this way, you know, because it can become really intense. Well then, you know, your entire body becomes sensitized. And there's an exercise that I like to give my clients, and that's what I call the pleasure scan, which is one of the best, best techniques to get out of your head into your mind, into the now, and also to make your orgasmic potential stronger.

Speaker 1: 21:01

No, it's just scan.

Speaker 2: 21:03

It's very simple. You start to scan your little pinky toes. You can do it right's very simple. You start to scan your little pinky toes. You can do it right now and you can start to see if you can find pleasure there, if you can find enjoyable sensations. Interesting, isn't it?

Speaker 1: 21:22

Yes, it is.

Speaker 2: 21:23

Yeah, and so then, slowly, you will, once you really feel this, you go toe by toe, you add, you spread your awareness and you go to your feet and you take your entire lower legs and everything beneath your knees, everything beneath your hips and your hands, and you do like that and then, fine, you go up and then you go back down to your groin area and then you start to feel everything so much more. And if you can do it, if you do it in hypnosis, which I sometimes do, I I had some clients that have like full-blown soul orgasms without being touched, just purely by connecting with the life force that is always there, that creative force that is seeping through every cell of our body, every moment of the day, but we're just not aware of it.

Speaker 1: 22:15

I would like to interrupt you, nico. Is it true that sometimes you know just dreaming or thinking about the person? Let's say we are attracted to someone or we are in love with someone. Thinking about them we kind of get that. You know a sudden, you know flow of orgasm, you know kind of an electric, you know current running through our entire body and we feel that pleasure within us. Is it true or it's something made up?

Speaker 2: 22:50

No, it can happen. You have women that just purely with their mind in orgasm, just like that. I had a client that you know, if I hypnotize her, after like a minute she is just full-blown vibrating, pulsating, moaning. And it's not fake, it's true. And it's not like I'm going really sexual, no, it's just. You know, she has such a powerful sexual energy that is and it's not like I'm going really sexual, no, it's just.

Speaker 2: 23:20

You know he has this power, such a powerful sexual energy that is inherent in women, men too, but men, you know many men, you know they many women are more connected with their bodies. Also because of your sickly, you know, like your body forces you to pay attention to your body. You know, for men it's easier to be disconnected from the body. But I see it also with a lot of very high-power women. They almost use their clitoris like men use their penis just for a quick release. And so when you become really clitoral dependent, then these other orgasms are much harder to get, because it's both the clitoral orgasm and both the ejaculatory orgasms are driven by the nerve that's called the pudendal nerve which creates tension, tension, tension, release. Then you have a drop in sexual energy, but then you have like those other spots, those vaginal orgasms, and with mania it's like the prostate. You can get indirect that orgasm also. You know you don't have to go in the anus, you know you can. But if you don't like that, then you have to really train to just stay much longer so that you start to then, instead of squeeze, squeeze and release, then it's more like the energy goes higher, higher, higher, and then you relax into orgasm. It's a completely different thing. So if women want to explore their vaginal orgasms much more, you can do like a clitoral fast, where you don't use a clitoral orgasm and you just start exploring inside and you can relax your pussy. And if you want to do that with your partner, he can help by just, you know, getting his finger inside and just very softly laying it there and giving a little bit of pressure and you will feel it. You will feel it at your fingers when the tension goes away. You can then go all around the entire pussy and then she will feel so much tighter, so much softer, softer, so much more welcoming, and she will feel much more too because again the tension is away.

Speaker 2: 25:46

Yeah, but yeah, like about the gap. So that's the thing. The gap comes very often like the quantity gap with women is first of all, many men have no idea how to please one. First of all, many men have no idea how to please women and have an ego. The problem is that if women try to give feedback, the man is. I don't like him either. But I found a secret. Do you want me to share the secret?

Speaker 1: 26:16

Yes, please.

Speaker 2: 26:17

So how to give feedback to a man that is very proud? Well, in the morning, and ideally sleeping, so you play with your cup a bit so you feel nice and frisky, you know nice and spiced up. Then tell my baby I had a dream.

Speaker 1: 26:41

Okay.

Speaker 2: 26:42

And you rock my world. And then you tell him in minute detail what he did to you and how he made you feel better than ever, and you know what will happen. He will get a great idea, yep, and he very probably will want to live up to that image that you created in his brain. But you didn't complain, you didn't tell him that it was bad, you didn't tell him he can't satisfy you. No, you planted into his brain that you dreamt about him. He was your hero. And then he wants to live up, to be like that hero.

Speaker 1: 27:31

He is smart, that is smart.

Speaker 2: 27:35

Yes, yes, and also what you can do while it's going on. You know you can play a kind of dumbness game, say oh baby, I want you to to lead me. I want you to tell me to answer your question on command harder or softer. To answer your question On command Harder or softer.

Speaker 2: 28:06

Up Down Left Right. I am only allowed to say those four things when you request. So again, you put the power in his side. Men, men, men want. There's like this song that's called I Just Want To Be your Hero, I don't know in Enrique Iglesias. Well, that's the key to my heart. If you learn how to invite him to satisfy your need without telling him what to do and without pressuring him, a man will give you his life. But if you tell a man for sure an alpha kind of guy like me what to do, is not going to work.

Speaker 1: 28:52

Oh, okay.

Speaker 2: 28:54

So the dream is very powerful, mm-hmm, talking about the book, you read and you describe it in minute detail and you just show him how excited you get and positive reinforcement. In other words, if he's doing something that you don't like, you don't give much reaction, you don't complain, you just don't give so much reaction. But then if he does something that's a little bit nicer, you give him, you moan and you caress and say, oh baby, and then you quit and then you wait, and then again you don't give him too much attention when he does that, and then when he does something that's even better, then you give him more attention. So you're literally shaping your man like a dog, literally shaping your man like a dog.

Speaker 2: 29:39

But it works because you're not criticizing, you're not being a difficult woman, you're just rewarding him and talking to his animal side. Now, men can use that too. Don't get me wrong, men can use that too and women can use that. We have to learn to shut up more and learn to communicate with our behaviors, which is much more powerful to create behavioral change. We live in a society where words are very important. We need to communicate more. Very often people are communicating, they're communicating. I don't want to talk about that, but very often, if we want to create a change, then we have to learn how can we communicate with our behaviors, because men will understand behaviors much more. Women, by the way, just as well. We're the same. Only women have much more connections between their verbal brain and their emotional brain. I think it's 30 times as much. It's a crazy amount. Much more connections between your amygdala and your limbic emotional system and your verbal brain. So we are outgunned. So if you want to talk about emotions, we don't feel this is a good idea, because it's not a good idea, we are outgunned. So if you want your man to change some behaviors I had a girlfriend, she was fantastic we don't feel this is a good idea. Because it's not a good idea. We are guns.

Speaker 2: 31:02

So if you want your man to change some behaviors, I had a girlfriend. She was fantastic, she told, and I was much younger, like I was 25, 30 or something. I was a bit of a wild cat when I was younger and she was like Nico, I would love you to be much more attentive, but it's okay, you're just too young. Oh, and I knew what she was doing and it still worked, because actually she did three things. One she described her desire, her wish, then she took away all the pressure and then she stopped communicating. You're just a little boy. That's power whammy Works like a charm. Because she didn't tell me what to do. She invited me and then she took away the pressure and then she says but it's okay, I don't think you can step up to that role Now.

Speaker 2: 32:01

You have to be careful, depending on the man, because some men have such a low self-esteem that they will not step it up. Then you need to dance great. Then you need to give them just positive feedback. I'm a bit of a weirdo. I need a bit more hard communication and if somebody says you can't do something, I'm going to say, oh yeah, let's see, but for many men that's not a good option. What is a better option? And then you tell you really look for a moment that he did actions that you really liked, even if it's something really small, like he put away his shoes. Say I love it that your man put away his shoes. Say I love it that your man put away his shoes. Makes me so horny and you kiss him in his ear. What do you think he's going to do? What's going to help him to do more of that behavior than say, oh, you leave your shoes in the middle of the room again. You're such a drop. What's going to work best, do you think?

Speaker 1: 33:06

Wow. So I guess the boardroom and the bedroom, they aren't as separate as we think, because communication is definitely here the key and it is not one size fits all.

Speaker 2: 33:19

Exactly, exactly hear the key, and it is not one size fits all to pair exactly, absolutely, absolutely great Nico.

Speaker 1: 33:30

So before we wrap up, I guess we have really, really talked about rewiring, intimacy and performance. So if our listeners would like to connect with you more on this, how they can do that.

Speaker 2: 33:49

Well, they can contact me on my socials, on Nico Verheesens, nico Verhees, nico on Instagram, or just Nico Verhees on LinkedIn and Facebook. Yes, and there you can also take a look on toyourtopcom toyourtopcoachcom with a 2, with a number 2, but the best is just contact my socials.

Speaker 1: 34:19

Yes, great, great well. I have all the details mentioned, the show notes and, nico, that was such a brilliant, brilliant conversation. So many hacks. We got to know the actual hacks and we got to understand the you know power of orgasms, the power of intimacy, and it's not just body, it's not just brain, it's, it's. It's such a beautiful interplay of everything. So I guess, uh, our listeners, if you are craving deeper connection, more satisfying sex, or a better understanding of your partner and yourself as well, today's episode is a masterclass. It's a reminder that pleasure isn't extra, it is essential. And that gap it's just about numbers, it's about meaning, it's about mutuality.

Speaker 1: 35:20

So, nico, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with all of us it was an absolute pleasure and thank you to all of our listeners for tuning to pleasure principle samia hosanna and saying that the most powerful intimacy starts with intimacy with self. Until next time, stay tender, stay turned on and stay true to your pleasure, thank you.