74. When You’ve Tried Everything for Your Emotionally Dysregulated Child and It Still Isn’t Enough- Maggie Diemer

Have you ever felt like you’ve tried every therapy, every strategy, and every parenting tool for your child with emotional dysregulation… and it still isn’t enough?

Parenting a child with emotional dysregulation, ADHD, or DMDD can feel exhausting when treatment options fall through, waiting lists are long, and support systems don’t understand your child’s challenging behaviors.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why emotional dysregulation can create isolation and parenting stress
 • How repeated disappointments affect parental confidence
 • When to push, pivot, or pause during intense meltdowns
 • Why your steady presence matters more than any single intervention

In this powerful conversation, Maggie Diemer shares her journey raising a child with DMDD and navigating closed doors, residential treatment decisions, and the emotional toll it takes on parents.

If you’re searching for help with emotional dysregulation, intense behaviors, or wondering what to do when therapy isn’t working, this episode will bring clarity, validation, and hope.

• Take Your Next Step:  Emotional Forecast Quiz
• Visit CalmConnectionParenting.org to become an insider and receive weekly news. Find information about the coaching program (and scholarships), free parenting resources, and how we can connect.

*Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational purposes and is not medical advice. Please consult a qualified professional for individual support.

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Just Believe

Transcript

0:01

Have you ever felt like you've tried every therapy, every strategy, every parenting tool for your emotionally dysregulated child, and it still isn't enough? When doors keep closing, support falls through, or treatment options don't bring you the change you'd hoped for. It can leave you feeling exhausted. Discouraged and questioning everything. In this episode, we're talking about what it really means when you're doing everything to help your child, and progress still fills out of reach. So grab your coffee and let's get started. Ever feel like one meltdown turns your day upside down? Are you walking on eggshells with emotions and challenging behaviors? Need yeast in your home? You are in the right place. I am Janie mom of seven professional counselor and parent coach. I've learned how to turn chaos into calm, stop meltdowns and enjoy time as a family. If you are looking for effective tools, practical ways to connect. With your uniquely wired child and parenting tools that align with faith and family values, you've found it so reheat that coffee start that laundry fluffing again, and let's jump in.

Interview Clean 1:32

what do you do when you're parenting a child with emotional dysregulation or maybe even something like A DHD or DMDD and the help that you think will come through or hope will come through, suddenly falls apart if you've ever walked out of a school meeting. A therapy session or even a doctor's appointment, feeling defeated and wondering, what else can I possibly do? This episode is for you because sometimes the hardest part of parenting a neurodivergent or emotionally intense child isn't necessarily the meltdown itself. It's the closed doors, the long waiting list. And the well-meaning advice that just doesn't fit your child. The support systems that don't quite understand your child's unique wiring and that disappointment can quietly chip away at your confidence in parenting and leave you feeling a. Isolated and alone. So today I invited someone who understands that space deeply. Maggie Deemer is a wife and mom of four boys and has navigated this journey. Well. She is joining us to talk about what it looks like when you're doing everything you know to do for your child, and it still feels like it's not enough. We're gonna talk about how repeated disappointment impacts parents emotionally and how to rebuild that confidence. Maggie, I am so grateful that you're here. Oh, I'm grateful to be here. Thank you for having me. You bet. I wondered if maybe you could just start by telling us a little bit about your family and your passion in helping other families. Absolutely. So I am, as you said, a mother of four boys, ages 16, 13, 9, and eight. I married my high school sweetheart and we were married eight years before we were able to have our first child. And then after that they just kept coming. Yeah. Our, our second son, it was our child who has some mental health diagnoses and we knew he was struggling pretty early on, but by age eight or nine we started to do some testing to try to understand what was going on. When he was 10, he received a diagnosis of DMDD and when he was 11 we actually had to make a really difficult decision and have him go to a residential treatment facility. And I would say the years. Kind of leading up to that decision took a big toll on me. My, yeah, my marriage, my family. I think it does, it does on a lot of families. I'm, I'm wondering how did you experience some of these closed doors along your journey? Yeah, there, there are a lot of closed doors that come when you have a, a high needs child. I mean, some of the more painful ones would be maybe family members saying, your, your child's not welcome here 'cause they're too dangerous. Or a school saying that we don't have enough supports for your child to attend here. I mean, we've been, kicked out of places in our church because they don't want us in certain rooms that were working for us. Mm-hmm. Definitely lots, lots of closed doors. And then I also feel like equally as frustrating is when our kiddos close doors that Right. We, that are open to them just because they can't handle whatever it is. So maybe we find a school for them, but then they refuse to go. Or a great sport. That they love, but then something happens with the coach and they won't return therapies, you know, where they won't leave the house or leave their bedroom. So those have all been things I've experienced and are. Tremendously difficult to manage. Right. You know, I, I, all of those are so true and I hadn't even thought of some of the doors they closed because it feels too hard for them. That's a great aspect of it. I think sometimes too, even medically, you know, in pursuing doctors or maybe, you know, medications or supplements or. Or routes of therapy, you know, whatever it is that you might wanna know about. And sometimes you get shut down really fast by a doctor that says, oh, that doesn't work, or, I never heard of it. Or I, I don't know anything about what you're talking about, but I would never, you know, leaving us as parents to just feel like we're kind of, you know. Knocking on all these doors, but they, they just don't open. And if they, we think that maybe we open it, it can get slammed again. And, and it leaves us really wishing that we could find something. But I'm guessing there's other emotions that are happening besides just this desire to search. What are some of the emotions parents are struggling through? Well, for me, I just, extreme frustration, and certainly when you get your hopes up that something is going to be helpful and then just have it completely shut down. You know, you get discouraged and you, and that keeps happening and you start to think there's nothing that's going to help and that can lead to hopelessness. I also feel like because this is a long journey and the struggles are every day, and they can be extreme and they can go on and on and on, sometimes you feel really isolated. I remember just feeling like even my closest friends who were there for me, I. I felt like they maybe were a little hesitant to ask me how things were going because yeah, every time it was the story always the same. Right? Another story and it was, I never had a, a good report and so I maybe was cautious to even reach out or know who could help. Right. And definitely even the family members and friends who didn't understand, I learned that. It wasn't helpful to reach out to certain people for help because I ended up feeling worse, not better, because of the advice. Mm-hmm. Even from well-meaning people that love you if, if you haven't walked the path, it is hard to understand. You know, I remembered a, an exhaustion about it too. I mean, I felt like I was researching all I could research and, and studying and, and pursuing, and finally feeling like, okay, maybe we're gonna be able to get in to see this doctor at. This hospital and then being told there's an 18 month waiting list, and that was just to see a case manager. And then they would decide if we could see a counselor, and it didn't matter that we'd been in counseling for two years. They would decide after 18 months if we could see a counselor who would decide if we could see the doctor. And just, just the pure exhaustion and frustration and desperation that it felt to just so wholeheartedly pursue something and not see movement. Yeah. Yeah, that's a hard one. And I know so many parents feel that. And I think, you know, you were one of those parents that have, have just really pushed through, tell me this. When support systems fall through, parents often start believing that maybe they failed or that they're not doing enough. How can we maybe think of that differently? Or we sometimes call that reframing that thought. Yeah. I always doubted my abilities as a mother. I mean, I still do. I mean, I certainly have days where I just, I'm terrified to be alone with my kids, right? And that's just the reality of it. But having walked through these struggles and made me really wonder if maybe I was the problem and not that I am. A perfect parent. But it wa understanding that this is a mental health condition was a huge thing for me. And seeing it in the same way you would see a physical health condition where I have a child who has special needs that mm-hmm. It, it's, it's going to require me to learn and grow in different ways, to know how to meet those needs and how to manage this condition. And, the more I could see it that way, and the less I started caring about what other people thought about me, the easier it was to really just embrace that and just be like, you know what? I'm gonna be his advocate and his closest friend on this journey, and it's not gonna look like other people's families, but. This is, this is what our reality is and we're gonna make the best of it. So true. So true. And, you know, I remember feeling the same thing, the same self-doubt. And, and another layer of that even because here I had a background in mental health and. And it still felt so hard for me, and I remember thinking, man, if it's this hard for me, imagine what, what parents who don't even have this must feel like, because I did. I doubted myself. I questioned my abilities. And I mean, you and I can attest, I wanna normalize this for any of you who have ever doubted yourself. Between us, Maggie, we have 11 children. And just like you said, I still doubt myself sometimes. Mm-hmm. So, so please know I don't know if you ever feel like, oh wow, I've arrived. I've got it. I'm an expert. You know, like I think we're always learning, we're always figuring things out, and it's so individualized for each child. So give yourself a lot of grace. Moms, dads are listening. Parents give yourself a lot of grace because each journey with each child is so uniquely different. How, how do repeated disappointments impact your confidence as a parent and what helped you as you tried to rebuild that? Right? Yes. My confidence way went down and I found like the more negative experiences I had with my kiddo, the harder it was for me to handle them because I now had this almost a trauma response that would happen when he would meltdown. And panic would set in and then I couldn't think, and then I couldn't be strong for him. And we, I mean there were just lots of times where. I just would have to call, you know, call someone else over to help. 'cause I just felt completely paralyzed in the moment, not able to be there for him. And so a lot of my work has been really. Working on that part of me. Mm-hmm. I found a lot of help with therapy, specifically EMDR, which focused on a lot of the PTSD responses. Yeah. But really that's so true. In fact, sometimes I almost like to refer to it as parenting traumatic stress disorder because I do think when you parent a child with these extreme needs, you live in hyper vigilance. And I think for many of us, it almost creates. What they talk about is, you know, the chronic P-T-S-D-C-P-T-S-D, because it's something that you're living every day. The unexpected, you know, even if it's a good day, you're not quite sure how long it is gonna stay that way, and you're listening for the first indicator. And it really does get us in this habit of, of living in and being on the edge that hypervigilant and, and can increase that anxiety. And you know, I know even as a mental health. Counselor I had to, to find my own counseling and you know, in our toughest moments, you know, marriage counseling and counseling for me and counseling for our son. And, you know, there's no shame in reaching out and getting the help you need, whether it's, you know, through learning more parenting tools. You know, I had parented six other kids, but I can tell you this. The same tools didn't work for him. I had to learn something very unique and very different, and that it is actually a strength to know your limits and to reach out and say, this is what I need to be the best parent I can be. And sounds like maybe you guys sought some of that same kind of support. Absolutely. Yep. And, and continue. I mean, I'm still meeting very regularly with my counselor. Yeah. Because we're still in it. It's a long journey and even when you're in the good seasons, they're still a part of you that wants to, to stay strong, you know? Mm-hmm. Healthy and well. Because when, when we can bring that to the table, it does help our child in so many ways. Mm-hmm. Now as we're talking about confidence, I just want to pause for a moment because if you're realizing how much you've been feeling discouraged with hitting closed doors that matters, seeking support isn't weakness, it's wisdom. So I want to share something with you real quick.

13:19

Let's talk about something we don't say out loud enough. How guilt, shame, and even embarrassment can creep in. When your child's emotions and behaviors feel out of control, you may feel judged or misunderstood when you try to talk about their challenges. And asking for help can seem like admitting failure. I've been there, but here's the truth. Seeking help isn't something to be ashamed of. And you deserve a safe, supportive space where you can find real solutions to help your child and family. That's exactly what the Calm Connection Parent Coaching Program offers. It's designed for parents who are dealing with their child's intense emotions, difficult behaviors, and for some child mental health, challeng. And who need practical faith-based strategies to navigate the journey with video courses, workbooks, a supportive community and the best part, weekly coaching calls you'll get the help you need without judgment. Just a safe place to help you and your family thrive. Not just survive. If you are ready to stop feeling alone and defeated and start getting the help you need, visit calm connection parent.com to learn more. You are not alone in this journey. Let's do this together.

Interview Clean 14:39

That's right. I invite you to check out calm connection parenting.org to find free resources, hear about an upcoming, exciting event and other trainings. I want you to learn about the coaching program and the support that you can find there. Now let's get back to those closed. Doors, Maggie, when you personally felt those doors closing in your journey, how did you know when you needed to push harder? When to pivot and try something else, or when to just pause and rest? This is something I think we have to live in every moment of every day with our kiddo, you know, we never know what situation's gonna arise. It's gonna be too much for them. And where we, you know, we have to choose. Are we gonna push, pivot, or what's your third one? Pause. Pause. Yeah. I like all three of those. We had an incident Monday where. We had a, a really hard doctor's appointment first thing in the morning and ended up waiting for an hour and a half in the, in the exam room. And doctor's appointments are very triggering for him. Yeah. That's his waiting. Right. And even, and just the waiting, I mean, it was hard for me. But then I was looking at the schedule for the rest of the day and he had all these other things that we were supposed to do. He just wanted to curl up in a ball on the couch and do nothing. And so I really had to decide what, how much do I push? So we had to cancel some of our appointments. I wasn't gonna let him sit on the couch the whole day. But I also decided to pause on really pushing that 'cause I knew he needed some space. Yeah. And a little bit later he was out jumping on the trampoline with his brother and you know, the rest of the day went well. But it just requires a tremendous amount of flexibility and I. Being able to read your child and really saying, what are they truly able to do in this moment? Yeah. And and not, not push. 'cause it, I have found that doesn't, doesn't work. Yeah. Oh, that's great. I love that. Just really understanding them being a student of your child, right? Mm-hmm. And learning to read all those signs, you know? In our coaching program we talk about pause being one of the. Biggest parenting tools you can use. We call it the powerful pause. And I think no matter which of these other ones you do choose, if you pause first, you will rarely go wrong. And sometimes, you know, you start with a little bit of push, you pause, you decide you know what is a little bit of push, try a little push. And you may find based on their response, what to do next. And I like that you talked about that flexibility because I think that. That is so key in the mental health journey is just flexibility for what their body budget is day to day. Because it can look so different, you know? And one really, really great day may be followed by three really, really hard days. Mm-hmm. And that doesn't mean you've done it wrong. It doesn't mean they're doing it wrong, it's their body budget. And I, I like that you've really focused on knowing what your child's unique needs might be in that understanding them. Mm-hmm. In the midst of disappointment, how did you stay emotionally present for your child while maybe you were grieving or feeling some of the sadness and disappointment about what wasn't working, and maybe even, what would you say to parents who are trying to do that right now? It is really hard and you're not gonna do it perfect every time. We also have a body budget. Yeah. Right. And there's just sometimes it's just really low. But what I have found is the more I can understand my kiddo and communicate that I am on their team and I'm here with them, and I'm with them in this, it's gonna be okay. Like, we will get through the meltdowns. We will, and we will do better because we are continuing to learn and I'm continuing to grow. I think we gotta be working on our own stuff. Mm-hmm. And while we're helping them work on their things. Yeah. And as we continue that pursuit, there will be wins. That's right. Not always, but there will be. And we, we rejoicing them. Yeah. Even the little ones. Right. Jamie? Just, that's what I was just gonna say. I think we learned to reframe our wins too, you know? Yes. Sometimes our wins are that we regrouped faster. Sometimes our wins are that even after that, there was a big meltdown. There was a real sense of, sorry, and an apology that may have followed. It may be that, you know, we tolerated going somewhere and staying for 10 minutes, even though you would really hope to stay for two hours. You know, just really learning to appreciate those small wins. I, I love how you brought that up. That's such a great point. Tell me this, what did you learn about yourself in those seasons when you were hitting closed doors? It has been a journey of self-discovery. Yeah, it really has. There's nothing like having a very dysregulated kiddo in your home to like expose the dysfunction in your marriage, you know, in your own coping skills. And as painful as that is, I think it is one of the gifts. I think it is because I've been a forced to become a healthier person. Yeah. For me, it exposed anxiety that had been a part of my life. From my earliest days. Yeah. It exposed a lack of communication with my husband where we, we weren't dealing with conflict well, right. So all of these things came up and needed to be dealt with. For me, I had to, I had to do medication for myself for a period of time to help with the anxiety. 'Cause I actually had a doctor tell me, I can't help your child if we don't work on you first. And that was some of the hardest. Things that I've ever been told. Like, not that it was my fault, but until I could be strong mm-hmm. That they, we couldn't help our, our child. Yeah. Because he needed me to be that strong, secure presence and I wasn't, I was crumbling. Yeah. No, that's such a good point because you know what, it, it's hard. Having been on the counselor side of things and then the parent side of things, I feel like I see things through this. Kind of a double lens anymore. And you know, I remember going to a counselor and, and them encouraging me to maybe take some parenting classes. And it felt like a, yeah, like a slap in the face. It felt like like an insult. Like, do they not know I have all these other kids? Or do I look like a bad parent, or, I thought I was doing okay. They must think I stink at this. Now on the other side of having heard that if I was counseling somebody, I would handle that in a different way because I think what parents need to know is that comes as a suggestion because what you need to parent a child with these kind of needs is something unlike anything you've ever done before. Yeah. You need different tools and you need something other than the typical parenting and it's not that there's something wrong with you. So if a, if a doctor or a. Counselor or a professional recommends something for you. You know, in your case medication. It's not because there's something wrong with you or because you can't do it good enough or right enough, but there's an understanding that this journey is pretty rocky and rough and even for the strongest, even for those who know it inside and out. There's only so much you can control, and the only thing you can really control is you, your thoughts, your beliefs, your actions. And so when we encourage people, to maybe take some parenting classes or, you know, figuring out some new strategies, it's not because you have the wrong ones, but so that you can figure out some new and effective ones that maybe you've never even heard about. Before, I remember that feeling of just feeling so insulted. Yeah. That's a tough one. And I'm so glad that you were able to hear that. And then, you know, sometimes you walk away and you pause and you sit with that message and then you decide to take those next steps and, and your family benefited from that, Maggie, that you were strong and that you took care of you. And, you know, while self-care can sound selfish, it's not, it's necessary. You know, I like to think of self-care as a, a way that we are a wise steward of what God's given us. You know, whether it's our health, our resources, our energy, what we can offer as a parent, you know, he's, he's given us a kiddo that's uniquely wired and he's going to equip us for the journey, and we have to be able to reach out and get that help that we might need. Mm-hmm. So for the parent who's listening and feels like they've done everything and it's still not enough, what would you want them to hear? Mm. Three words. You are enough? Mm. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. It doesn't matter what intervention mm-hmm. You think are gonna help your child, nothing compares to your strong, steady presence. Yeah. And I think that that has been, it sounds so simple and so little, but that is, is a huge win when I am still there with my kiddo and he knows I love him even after X, Y, and Z happened today. And maybe I can even speak into what happened in a way that gives him words to understand himself because he doesn't have them yet. Yes. That's what's gonna help them be able to receive the interventions one day or do the hard things one day, even if it's not today. So stripping back a lot of those expectations I had for my son and what his life was gonna look back, look like, and more say, what can we do? And, and do that and do it well, and then do the next step. Helped me to feel like I was finally, truly able to help him in a way that, that I could. We had a really hard doctor's appointment one time where the doctor actually said, you're not welcome back. You are not welcome back here. He had had a complete meltdown and tore apart the whole. Talk about closed door. Oh, yeah. And what did that, and he heard that, right? Yeah. And I remember walking out of there and just putting my arm around him, right. And I felt his little arm go around me. And we walked out through, through the double doors together, out into the parking lot, and we got into the, the van and I, I said, I wonder, I wonder if you, me too. I know. I wonder if the way that doctor treated you made you feel disrespected. He said, yeah. I said, and then you had a hard time respecting him 'cause of how he treated you. And he said, yeah. He said, you know me? I said, I know you. I love you. And I remember just watching just that anger melt away. Yeah. You're making me cry. I know you're making me cry. Because you know what? I think we've had those moments. Where you feel that so deep and you feel it so deep with, and for your, I would say that earlier in my years, I would've been so embarrassed and so angry that he did that and kicked us out of this office and. In front of all these people that I probably would've yelled or shame him, of course, or been cold and distant, right? And so that shift has changed now in me instead to just truly understand and to communicate. Because if, if we know we are known and we know we are loved. Yeah, there's hardly anything better than that. We can, we can do a lot with those two things. And so that's what I would tell the parent. Oh, you are enough. That's great, Maggie, I, I love that you are so transparent to share a story like that because, you know, It chokes me up because I think many parents have had those moments where we feel so embarrassed or we feel so humiliated for the way something erupts. And you know what? We can't control that. And in that moment we have a big choice. To act out of that embarrassment or to act out of empathy and understanding and instead of feeling like, oh, I don't know if I wanna tell this story, it could embarrass me in another way. I love that you share that from your heart because you know what, we've had those moments and I know many of our listeners have had those moments and that endears you to us, that you would share that. You know, it's no surprise that our kiddos are wired the way they are. God handpicked our child for us and he picked us for our child, and all we can do is just take one step at a time in the journey and trust that that he'll continue to equip us and that those doors can open and just grab hold of that hope. I know, Maggie, that many of our listeners are gonna wanna connect with you and what is the best place for them to do that? At this time, I'm primarily on Facebook. I do find writing is a therapy to me in a way that I can really minister to other people. So I have a, and she's a beautiful writer. In fact, when you look her up on Facebook, her posts will most likely make you cry. Aw, well, I hope they're an encouragement. Yes. But we've walked through a lot of really hard things and, how long you can feel our on Facebook as your name or a, a different name? Both. Okay. So it's my name, Maggie Demer, but I also have a page called the Grateful Overcomer that you could follow and you have to check it out. You guys, you're gonna love it. Her post just put to words what so many of us have walked through. Go ahead. Is there another thing that you wanted to mention? No, I just hope to stay connected through this, you know, podcast and however else Jamie, you choose to utilize me. You bet. Well, Maggie, thank you so much for being with us today and if you enjoyed hearing from Maggie hearing straight from her heart, I wanna let you in on something a little special Maggie will be sharing at our upcoming summit. That's right, our second calm Connection parenting Summit. Which we will be holding in April, so stay tuned for more information about that. But Maggie will be sharing more about her family's journey through DMDD and some of the struggles that they have faced along the way. And I can't guarantee you'll keep a dry eye because she really does share from the heart. So you're gonna wanna stay tuned in the coming weeks as we share more about the Calm Connection Parenting Summit titled Calm in the Chaos. So you'll be finding tools for raising kiddos who are emotionally intense with clarity and confidence. So as we wrap up today, I want you to sit with this question. If doors have closed, if you've tried everything, if you're carrying more than you were meant to carry a loan, what kind of support would actually feel steady? Instead of stressful, because not all support is the same. It's not all created equal and not all programs may be the right fit, and sometimes what we need isn't more pressure, it's just support and guidance. In our next episode, we're going to talk about how to choose the right kind of parent support for your family, especially when you're navigating emotional dysregulation and those challenging baffling and intense behaviors. Because when you find the right support, it doesn't add weight. It brings clarity. Stay tuned for our last episode in this series, and I'll see you then.

30:05

Thanks for hanging out with me today. Just remember, you've got this and on the days you don't, well, we're in this together. Take a deep breath and keep building those heart to heart connections. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend who might need it too. And don't forget to connect with us@parentingwithpersonality.com or in our Parenting with Personality Facebook support group. We'd love to continue supporting you there. Until next time, keep calm and parent on.