Episode 7: Beyond the Bouquets: Finding Meaningful Connections this Valentine's Day

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Valentine's Day: a day of love, romance... and unrealistic expectations?  Join Coralie, Amber, and Vicki as they dive deep into the societal pressures and social media hype surrounding Valentine's Day. They discuss how these factors can lead to disappointment and pressure in relationships, and explore ways to reclaim the holiday for more meaningful connections. From personal anecdotes to insightful discussions, this episode challenges the traditional notions of Valentine's Day and encourages listeners to define love and connection on their own terms. 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Coralie: Valentine's Day is celebrated as a day of romance and grand gestures. But is it setting us up for failure? We're exploring how societal and social media driven expectations of the perfect Valentine's Day can lead to unnecessary disappointment and pressure in relationships. Why do we perpetuate this myth and how can we reclaim Valentine's Day for meaningful connections?

Vicki: Amen.

Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace [00:01:00] their desires and relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Cora Lee. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mom of two, half empty nesting, one in, one out. And my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a G ma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff and I get to the point. I love it. I am Vicky. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced and I'm reentering the relationship space. I am a mom to two grown ups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationshipping, which of course creates trust.

Coralie: Do you guys celebrate Valentine's Day? What does that look like in your world? How does that happen at your place, whether it's with your partner or with, a Galentine's thing?

Do you guys do anything?

Vicki: well, last year was, my first Valentine's day in a minute. And I'm really lucky, [00:02:00] we just kinda made a meal together. We're so simple. It's one of the things that I love the most about the time that him and I spend together is just that it's, it's easy. It's simple. We do simple things.

We don't. Spend an incredible amount of money. I'm not about the fanfare and the Valentines-y stuff I know it's not a word, but it's just not my jam. I think that we should be spending the kind of time together all year long that we think we should be creating on Valentine's Day.

So I'm all about words and actions matching. And I just love that. I think it needs to be simple. I think that the grand gesture of taking me out for an expensive dinner and buying some champagne and flowers and chocolates. Now, do that two weeks before Valentine's Day, before the prices go up. Yeah, sure.

I'll do it.

Amber: We are not valentine's. over the top people. I think we had our granddaughter, a couple years ago for Valentine's. I see the memory come up and it's like we made these little meals and I have these heart [00:03:00] bowls I don't know why I bought them for something and we made her, ourselves, a meal in these little heart bowls for Valentine's.

Like that was our Valentine's. Like it was, nothing fancy. And I think last year I might have bought some chocolates for us to share. My husband came home and he goes, I didn't get you anything. I'm like, no, no, like this is for us. You don't have to get me anything.

Vicki: I got this.

Coralie: We're not huge on Valentine's Day, but we do acknowledge it and it's sort of just stumbled into that. I mean, we've been married 26 years together for almost 30 and one of our first Valentine's together. It might have even been our first. We had said we weren't doing anything He was working all day and I made a giant heart shaped peanut butter cookie for him for Valentine's Day.

And then I was butthurt that he didn't do anything for me, even though I was clear, like, I don't care about Valentine's Day, but obviously I did. It's nothing big, but he acknowledges it every year by just something simple. There might be a little flower by the coffee or he'll make me a coffee and have a love note there.

Or sometimes I'll have the pink [00:04:00] salt Himalayan chocolates cause they're so good, but it's just really great to be with someone who recognized. that what I was saying wasn't lining up with my actions when I was not emotionally mature enough to realize that. And he, just goes into it and acknowledges it every year.

So I think it's really important to be on the same page. Talk about it. Is it important to you? I agree. I don't want to go out for dinner. It's crowded. we don't even go out for dinner. We usually go out for lunch because the deals are better. You can get maybe a happy hour thing where you get the cheap appies or something , I don't like going out at crowded restaurants at all.

Vicki: I wonder if in the space of the younger generation, what are they doing? And it's actually something that my daughter and I have talked about and she's in her mid twenties and, she's always been a huge proponent for, let's make an activity jar with a partner and then, throw a bunch of different activities in there.

And then every week they pick one thing they're going to do together. Whatever that looks like. And it's something that she takes into all of her relationships, her friendships, et cetera. And even her relationship with me. Sometimes we just sort of, let's just go do this thing. [00:05:00] Let's go on this free tour over here I have the mint, the Canadian mint here in my city.

Right. So we just do things that feel nice all the time. So, you know, I think that's good.

Amber: I just think it's too commercialized. Come on, everything is just too commercialized.

Vicki: Yeah, that's

Amber: And we don't have to spend a crazy amount of money to show that we love somebody. Like we really, really don't. It can be a meaningful just, something said or, you know, message sent or just anything. Like my husband, every single morning before he goes to work, he literally, he goes and does the garbage and other things depending on the day of the week.

And he always comes upstairs and he comes upstairs and he kisses me goodbye and he's like, bye, have a good day. And it's like, there's a couple odd times where, where I'm like, would you come up and say goodbye? Cause I must've been deep sleep and he goes, yeah, I did. You said nothing. I was like, Oh, I was out.

But like, when I don't remember it, I always messaged him. Like, did you. come up because it means that much to [00:06:00] me. So like for a big grand gesture day, heck no, heck no.

Vicki: No, I, I hear that,

Coralie: my husband always ,if he's on day shift I'm a really light sleeper So he doesn't do anything to that might potentially wake me up and my phone is on do not disturb 24 7 But I always wake up and there's a text from him saying I love you Have a good day or if he's on night shift, I always get a text before I go to bed it's like I love you sleep well, and I respond and and Sometimes, like, if he hasn't sent that, I'll text him and be like, are you mad at me?

Vicki: right? Because when we start stepping outside of whatever our norm is, when it comes to how we treat one another, it feels like something, right? But there we are going back into, why we talk to ourselves and the most ridiculous way sometimes. I also get a morning text every single morning. It has been since our first date. And I, too, would be concerned. I would be like, Oh, you're right over there. Is everything OK? And especially because we. Don't cohabit. So if we're not together [00:07:00] for days and days on end, if I don't hear from him at least once a day, I'm thinking there's probably something wrong.

Like, are you okay? Right? So, yeah, it's those little things in the check ins. Those are important and they, they feel like love. They, they feel like a hug.

Right? 

Coralie: They are love.

Vicki: they are love.

Yeah, I agree. So do you guys think that the idea of Valentine's Day is creating an unrealistic expectation? Are we putting too much pressure on couples to be performative and create this sort of scenario of crazy sex and incredibly rich food. Who has rich food and sex in the same night anyway? I don't know who those people are.

Coralie: It sounds like a problem.

Vicki: Right? I was like, that doesn't sound like fun at all.

Amber: I think that social media, the commercialism, I think it all is just putting a ton of pressure to have the perfect date night, and the most mind blowing sex after, and I don't [00:08:00] think a certain day should say we're having sex today. I think it should be, you know,

Vicki: Every day.

Amber: It could be every day. 

If it's in your relationship, it's every Wednesday, then it's every Wednesday. It doesn't have to be because of Valentine's Day. 

Coralie: I think also to some of that pressure, I don't know if they did this in your guys's school when you were in high school, but I think it was pretty common where you could send an anonymous single red rose to someone and there would be a Cupid that would go around and deliver that. And , if you didn't get one, it felt like, wow, No one likes me.

No one cares about me, and just those little rituals that can start especially in our teen years, when we're internalizing so much and we're learning and growing so much that's where that pressure can kind of start. And I think it's important to let it go.

Vicki: I agree. I don't know if you looked over, but my face, as soon as you said, when we were in high school and you could buy somebody and I literally went, Oh, it's so yucky. Why? Why is it so gross?

Amber: Oh, they're still doing it though. My granddaughter just had candy grams for Christmas. We're recording this in [00:09:00] December and they literally just did candy cane candy grams for Christmas. She's in grade two, you guys. 

Vicki: I don't like it. I don't like any of it. 

Coralie:  So some kids in the class got a candygram and some kids didn't?

Amber: Yeah, and 

Vicki: Oh. 

Amber: and it's not necessarily like, it might be money wise, like, you know what I mean? Because they're in a lower income area, so not every kid's going to buy one.

Vicki: Yeah. I am not of that mentality where everybody gets to win and everybody gets a trophy but that is literally punitive to young people, right? And it just, it blows my mind that we're spending so much time talking about self esteem and all of these things, but then we're creating this scenario that is literally set up to tear us down emotionally. Oh, wow.

Coralie: Did she get a candygram?

Amber: Uh, yeah, she got lots.

Vicki: Of she did. She's a social butterfly,

Amber: She is a social butterfly, but it wouldn't have been me. I was getting no candy grams.

Coralie: Me neither. I was always the new kid, so.

Vicki: that's right. You moved. 

Yeah. [00:10:00] And I was, I was just always the guy's friends. Like I was always friends with all, like all my friends were male. So they were never buying me something that might suggest we were more right. Cause I was just a buddy. I was a buddy to everybody. Right. So yeah, I'm so glad she got a few, but geez, Louise.

Coralie: I know. Can we send kids in her class who didn't get them candygrams? 

Amber: Just wanted to go buy a bunch of 

Vicki: We donate? 

Amber: one.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: If you're a teacher watching this, please encourage no candy grams.

Vicki: Let's not do that. That feels yucky. I like this. This is a great conversation. So do you think that there are societal norms, media representations that are just ruining our experiences? I think we kind of touched on that, but you're right. They're putting us in a position to try and create this Perfect relationship.

And we know there's nothing of the sort right

Coralie: Yeah, I think , before social media was really a thing, there was always, this commercial by this specific jewelry company that was like, this is the Valentine's gift this year. And so it [00:11:00] just created this thing where everyone wanted this necklace. And I remember my husband got it for me one year I mean, it was sweet.

And we didn't have this conversation then, but afterwards I was like, Let's not do that because now on social media, We're going to see those ads constantly, you're scrolling TikTok, you see the same thing five times a day. And so suddenly everyone wants it and everyone, is expecting to get it for their partner or their partner might watch it and be like, this is what my partner wants when their partner might not want it at all.

Vicki: now. It all rolls back to our communication conversations like we always have. Right. Tell people what you need in order to feel love, period. That's it. End of story. So do you think that we can reclaim Valentine's Day so that it's going to align better with real life values? Do you think that that's even do you think it's even within us as a society?

Amber: I think it's, totally possible if you're having the right conversations. Because my Valentine's Day is going to look totally different to Vicki's and Coralie's. Like, it's going to look totally different. Completely different [00:12:00] than other people's. And that's okay. I don't think there should be a norm.

Vicki: I don't think so either. And I think that it does create a letdown so that, there are going to be like Coralie said, she had an expectation that she didn't voice and then kind of felt let down. So it creates that. And if that is something that is happening in the early portion of, uh, of a younger humans relationship, I think what we're going to find is that that's the stuff that if that isn't, or doesn't become a conversation, it just sort of eats away and festers and does all that stuff.

And, I just have more faith in our young people. I sound like such an old person when I say shit like that, seriously, 

I 

Coralie: totally agree. Next generation is going to change the world. And it's because, with every generation, we. Break down different societal expectations and norms. And, and it's not that the older generation was doing it wrong. It's that that's what they were raised with.

And what, what did they break down from their childhood to do [00:13:00] differently? And then we're doing the same thing. And then they're doing the same thing. Like, I think every generation is just getting better. They're getting more communicative. They're getting more open. They're getting more. willing to dig deep and, stop being surface level.

And, um, I can't wait. I, I mean, I, I don't want the next 10 years to go by quickly. Cause I like, the nice low pace, but I'm so excited for how these young people are, 

Vicki: I love watching them level up. 

Coralie: Yes. Yes, 

Vicki: they're just leveling up. And, we can see ourselves in them. But where we are now, they are there in their late twenties, early thirties. That mindset that we have now, they're adopting that already. And , that's only good things.

Coralie: I have a story about someone else it was in a mom's group that I was in a long time ago. When my son was little and this one woman in the group, her husband would create these elaborate Valentine's Days. The one I remember is he had like a ring on a string and it slid down this string and came to her finger. , he always had [00:14:00] the perfect Valentine's Day, like so elaborate and so romantic.

 And every year we would be like, in our mom's group, What did he do this year? What did he do this year? And I don't know where they are now, you know, like I'm, I'm not saying that that Valentine's day is how it affected their relationship outside of Valentine's day. I have no idea, but I've often wondered, with us asking, how did that create pressure in her relationship?

Like if her husband maybe didn't step up one year or was sick or they had other shit going on, was us asking about it. Creating pressure on their Valentine's 

Vicki: It absolutely could have. Think about us being in the sexual health space, just in general, people assume all the time that we have the best sex lives out of everybody. They know because of what we do and the knowledge that we have. And, I mean, R and D is great, but It doesn't mean that, we have these top tier relationships.

We're working just as hard as everybody else. We just maybe have a few more tools in the toolbox. That's it. I used to always tell people, like, have you ever seen a mechanic's wife's car? Amber?. No, [00:15:00] I'm just kidding. But honestly, it's usually the shittiest car on the block, right?

Because it's one that gets the last of the attention. Every other piece of that life gets the attention. So it's the same thing with with this scenario, right? So I would imagine, yeah, you probably inadvertently and unintentionally put pressure on her side, at least to create some sort of a scenario that, she could report back or,

 Meet your expectations because you guys were excited for her, but we don't realize necessarily how detrimental that can be.

Coralie: It's funny you say that too about people assuming that we have like the best most exciting sex lives because I've had so many women say that to me over the last 21 years and my response is always yeah Sometimes it's really awesome. And sometimes the cobbler's kids don't have shoes Because it's just a normal relationship.

It's never going to be at its peak all the time. Never.

Vicki: and we wouldn't be as good at what we do. If we were peaking every day. [00:16:00] We have the same challenges everybody else has, right? Sorry, Amber, what were you gonna say?

Amber: No, just the pressure of that alone, right? Could you imagine? Well, it was a great night, sex night last night. Oh my gosh. The orgasms were fantastic. And then you expect to do it all over again the next week or the next night or whatever. It's never going to happen. You just got to laugh and have fun and be yourselves and that's okay.

And I don't think that, you should have that pressure to one up the year before or the night before. I don't think that's realistic at all in any means. 

Vicki: I don't think so either. I don't think we can even recreate. We've all done that. Remember that vacation we went on? That was so great. Oh my God. Let's go back to Jamaica and do that all over again. And then we go back to Jamaica and it's like, well that's not the same right? Like, you gotta go to a new town, man, you gotta pick a new location.

I don't know, I just feel like it's unrealistic for sure to expect things to, to be better or to be building all the time. God, sometimes I just [00:17:00] wanna sleep.

Coralie: And if it's always peak top tier, how are you going to have those really memorable moments? Like when you're in a relationship and you and your partner are talking like, what was your favorite? What was like the best, give me like top three times that we had sex. If every time is the best time, you're never going to think of those times.

Vicki: No.

100%. 

Can't have the highs 

Coralie: without the lows. No, I 

Vicki: You can't have the highs without the lows. It's so smart. Yep. Absolutely. And social media does certainly influence all of our expectations on everything and certainly Valentine's Day as well. But, I would be hard pressed to remember what I did or was given. In my 20 year marriage. I'm not sure. I don't know. Do you remember what you got every Valentine's Day? , if there was a gift, if that was a particular experience, you don't remember every single Valentine's Day. There's no way.

There's no way in almost 30 years Coralie remembers every single Valentine's Day.

I challenge you. Never, right? 

So 

Coralie: stand to that challenge.

Vicki: Yeah, so, I think that [00:18:00] experience is important, remember that time that we went to, that light show, or this candle, whatever, like, this concert, this time we walked through the park, and fed the birds, like, it's that stuff, it's the experiences that we're gonna remember, and I think that limiting that, Just to Valentine's Day is dangerous.

And I think that we just need to be leveling up to our own stuff every time. And just, , some days are going to be peak. And then other days are going to be like, that was really nice. Right. Other days are going to be like, tomorrow can come. 

Amber: What about navigating though a relationship where one person is like all valentines, all the flowers, all the roses, all that, and then the other person is just like meh, I don't need it. Because I feel like there's like kind of a give and take there where you might need to do a little more even if you don't really want to.

Coralie: Mm 

Vicki: Yeah, I think that again, that's a conversation. If you know you've got a partner who really likes to do all of the things, but they recognize that that isn't necessarily the way [00:19:00] you show your love, and celebrate that day, then yeah, it's going to be a give and take. You're going to have to find a happy medium in there.

Coralie: Compromise. Relationships are always compromised. It can't be one person doing all the things. If you're not talking about it, and you can't find that happy place where you both feel like, You're, giving, you're receiving and it's enough, and if you're expecting, , a dozen roses every Valentine's day, I mean, you got to think when there's a budget, like in these times, go pick your hydrangeas.

I mean, not in Canada, that's a good idea. You could create a second, like, why couldn't you celebrate, pick a day that's your love day in the summer or something like that? You know, it doesn't have to be. February 14th.

Vicki: Yeah. You know, I'm all about crafting. I think that when somebody takes some time to make something don't get me wrong, I'm not crafty in any way, shape or form. But I mean, one year I went to the dollar store and I just got square chalkboard piece and I got a picture [00:20:00] frame and then I just. Wine bottle corks. I just took wine bottle corks and I just put it all around there and I wrote a lovely little note on there, put a little piece of chalk on there and then every time I show up, I clean it off and then I rewrite something new and different. It's simple. 

Amber: And that lasts a lot longer than the roses, right?

Vicki: Yeah, absolutely. And I think it means more. It's thoughtful. I will take a thoughtful gift all day long. 

Amber: Now what about when you're single? Because I feel like some self love is really important especially when you're single. And this could be if you're in a relationship too. But. Valentine's Day doesn't necessarily need to be just for couples. I think it's really important you could do Galentine's if you wanna get together with some friends, or you can really focus on some self love, whether that's masturbating or a bath.

It just doesn't matter. But whatever is good for you 

Vicki: BOTH! 

Amber: than the traditional romantic relationship. Right.

Coralie: Buy yourself a new toy for Valentine's Day.

Vicki: Agreed.

Amber: That'll also last longer than Roses,

Vicki: That's right.

Coralie: Absolutely.

Vicki: Whether you are partnered [00:21:00] or not partnered, or sometimes partnered and sometimes not, buy yourself a toy. Agreed.

Coralie: And I think , there's no straight across the board thing for anyone. Some women who aren't in relationships aren't internalizing that valentine's day thing. They're not sitting there going. Oh god I'm not in a relationship poor me. They're happy in their singlehood And it's easier for them to find ways, if the valentine's thing is important to them, but not in a relationship way to find ways to Give themselves that quality time Maybe you're buying a new thing for yourself that you've wanted for a while and had to have a reason to do it You or for the ladies who are single and are really hoping and looking for that relationship, they want to find their person, doing something with your friends or doing something with yourself is a great way to honor that, it doesn't have to be a relationship to be important, a love relationship.

It can be that relationship with yourself, like I love Galentine's day. Honestly, , I love Galentine's day.

Vicki: Absolutely. And I don't just celebrate in February for [00:22:00] Galentine's Day,

honestly. I mean, I think that we do that authentically. All the time, and I think that's really important that we, create those connections and it's just so powerful, so powerful. And when we love ourselves and we treat ourselves a certain way, we also teach ourselves how we want to be treated.

So I think that's an important piece as well. 

Coralie: If you do want to treat yourself to a little something for the holiday, make sure you read our show notes, check out our website. We do have some Fabulous little buzzing besties that you can get yourself that like Amber said are going to last a lot longer than the flowers that you might get or the chocolates that you might eat and it also to help support our podcast

Vicki: Alright, just to close this out, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about striving for perfection or meeting unrealistic expectations. Instead, it can be an opportunity to reflect on what love and connection truly mean to you. Whether that is with your partner, with your friends, or even yourself. As we've uncovered today, the key to reclaiming Valentine's Day is to [00:23:00] let go of societal pressures. Focus on creating moments that align with your own values and your desires. Whether it's a cozy night in a meaningful conversation or simply taking time to appreciate yourself. The choice is simply yours. We'd love to hear your thoughts. What's your take on Valentine's day? Are you team ditch the pressure or are you team go all out? Let us know on social media and don't forget to share, your ideas for making the day your own.

Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like subscribe and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts and Hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.

Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it [00:24:00] unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.