Episode 6: Closing the Orgasm Gap: Open Talks on Intimacy and Pleasure

Join us in this episode of Not Safe for Brunch where hosts Coralie, Amber, and Vicki delve into the persistent orgasm gap, exploring its causes and solutions. They discuss the importance of communication in relationships, share statistics, debunk myths, and highlight the benefits of orgasms. The conversation also touches on solo exploration, the role of foreplay, and practical tips for enhancing intimacy. Plus, enjoy a candid recap of Vicki’s vacation adventure. Tune in for an unfiltered, educational discussion about making sexual pleasure a priority.

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Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] Why is there still an orgasm gap? How do we close it? Join us as we dive into the facts, myths, and benefits of orgasms, share stats about the orgasm gap, and talk openly about how to make pleasure a priority without shame. Stick around. We're getting into it all today. 

Oh

Coralie: Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real-world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and [00:01:00] relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Coralie. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mom of two, half empty nesting, one in, one out. And my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

Amber: And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a G ma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff, and I get to the point. I love it. 

Vicki: I am Vicki. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced and I'm reentering the relationship space. I am a mom to two grown ups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationshipping, which of course creates trust.

Amber: So, guys, why is the orgasm gap so persistent and What can we do to close it?

Coralie: Communication.

Vicki: Yeah, I was gonna say just.

ask 

Amber: it out?

Vicki: it. [00:02:00] Yeah, Coralie’s right. It's communication. It's making sure that you make it clear what needs you have, what needs need to be met in order to be completely fulfilled. And of course, we know as women that we don't need to have an orgasm every time. Sometimes we like to, sometimes we're okay, not sometimes it is what it is.

But I think at the end of the day, if we need to make sure that our needs are being met, we need to be clear, stating what it is we need, how we like it, how often we want it and that need can change and fluctuate.

Coralie: Absolutely. And communicating can be hard, especially if you're with a new partner. We haven't been raised in a society where talking about sex is easy, right? So, spitting those words out, sometimes you might need a glass of wine first, you know, but We recognize and acknowledge that it's, that communication, it's a lot easier to say the word than to actually communicate.

 it's a work in progress. But why don't we talk about, what is the orgasm gap? Because we know what it is, but I'm sure we have some listeners that are [00:03:00] like, Is that a clothing store?

Amber: Yeah.

Vicki: Okay. let me throw some stats at you. Men report reaching orgasm 85 percent of the time during partnered sex while women report only 63%. That's from the Kinsey Institute. that's a gap. That's a gap.

Amber: Right? Why do get to orgasm 85 percent of the time and us only 63?

Vicki: right. Totally. So, I mean, I just think that again, if a woman is okay with only orgasms, orgasming 63 percent of the time, compared to her, 85 percent partner. then great, but if that's not enough and she needs more, we're back to that communication. I like this next one, among lesbian couples, the orgasm gap is smaller with higher mutual satisfaction rates.

And of course, I think that obviously comes from recognizing what each other's bodies need. There's less, maybe, coles notes that has to come down to that. because we recognize what one another's bodies need, require, what they like. And of [00:04:00] course, you just have to finesse what that particular partner enjoys.

 And the last, little stat here is 91 percent of men and 64 percent of women report orgasm orgasming during their last sexual encounters. So that really checks with, the original stat of the orgasm gap in general.

Coralie: I want to add another gap in there, and that is the fact that, according to studies, people with penises typically orgasm in 4 6 minutes, whereas women 18 20, so that is like almost a 15-minute gap on average, right?

So that's another gap.

Vicki: Oh, wait, that sounds like the amount of minute minutes at a vagina owners need in order to be ready for sex. Oh, wait foreplay. Yeah. Oh,

Coralie: There's just.

a whole bunch of gaps. Yeah. 

Amber: huge, right? If you're not having it, I mean, the focus on like just penetration versus clitoral stimulation is huge. Like most women can't climax with penetration alone. They need that clitoral stimulation, so whether that's coming from floor play ahead of time or during or whichever, but they [00:05:00] need to have that mix so they could climax too.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: absolutely. And I think that, that lack of communication amongst partners, is what creates, a real disconnect because if a partner doesn't recognize how much foreplay, someone needs, They're never going to meet that and when they assume that women are orgasming during penetration You know that that's the norm They're really putting themselves at a disadvantage And unfortunately somebody has probably told them that they were orgasming and probably were not and then they've just given this person this opportunity to just fail forward Unfortunately

Amber: Well, I mean, faking it's not the greatest thing to do either, you could be like, oh my gosh, it seems like you're having an orgasm to your partner and then you're not. And they think, oh, yay, she loved that.

Vicki: Right. 

Coralie: And then eventually you're going to have to be like, if you're in a long-term relationship, you're going to be like, I'm sorry I lied to [00:06:00] You.

You

Vicki: Yeah. 

Yeah. That doesn't work for

Amber: I really don't like my nipples pulled that hard.

Vicki: Totally. Yep.

Coralie: could also have a situation where, you know, because there are women who orgasm from penetration, you know we call them because they're so rare that they orgasm really easy from penetrative sex. And if a man has been with someone like that. And that's most of their experience. They might think they've got it. They know, they know the magic tricks to make it happen when it's not them. It's her and her anatomy and how her body's responding, right? So that can create some discord as well, because they then have to accept, which might be hard on the ego, that they don't have the magic penis.

Vicki: No, 

that's 

Amber: Well, and it could be not just relationships in the [00:07:00] past, it could also be porn. Like,

it is such a, weird, fantastic thing sometimes, but not always, 

Vicki: Well, I mean, that's where that disconnect of fantasy versus reality comes into play. And I think that is also a really important topic just because you see somebody do it on that video doesn't mean that's happening in your room. Calm down. Calm down. I also think that lack of communication or knowledge about anatomy, and this is, this spans throughout the ages.

This is not just a young person, misinformation piece. This is along the way, typically men are not necessarily learning exactly what our body is. bodies look like or what pieces are most pleasurable for us. We have to be really, really clear in asking for what we want and talking about why we want it.

I call it a sex decompress. I think it's important that we all sit back after the deed and just talk about it. What did you like? What did you not like? What worked, [00:08:00] what didn't work where, what would you like more of? What would you like to see differently? That kind of stuff. I think that's important.

I think that's forward moving. And I think that really helps one another learn about each other's bodies and what's pleasurable to them. Because just because partner A liked it doesn't mean partner D is going to like it. Right. It's not the same or. I,

Coralie: nice if it was though?

Amber: It would be just so easy. Uh

Vicki: say, Amber was talking about like faking the orgasms, what a bad idea that is. And I always say, do a sister a favor, don't do that,

don't do that. You may not keep them forever. If you are going to catch and release, please put them back into the wild with some real knowledge. Do a sister a favor, don't fake it.

Amber: Having said that though, orgasms and not faking it, what are the benefits of an actual orgasm, right? Because we don't want to be faking it because we're not getting the benefits if we're faking it. So, some of the benefits of an [00:09:00] orgasm actually have physical health benefits. So, it releases endorphins and oxytocin.

Like, hello, happiness. Bring it on.

Right? 

Vicki: Yeah. It just reduces the stress, right? It also can increase your immunity. and it's going to help you sleep better. So, you know, orgasm every night before bed.

Coralie: I want to add into that too, because specifically for women, oxytocin doesn't necessarily make every single woman fall asleep. Sometimes that burst of oxytocin will wake you up and that's why a lot of women don't like to have sex at night, right before bed. Because they know they're going to have that orgasm and then they're going to be awake till 2 a.

m. So, it's important too to understand your body. And what does oxytocin do to you? Does it help you fall asleep? Or does it give you that burst of energy where you want to go organize your junk drawer?

Because if so, daytime sex is for you.

Vicki: I was going to say that might not be a bad thing to do at midnight when no one's around. I'm just saying,[00:10:00] 

Coralie: Right, but if you have to get up at 6, it might be, right? So, it's just part of those things about knowing your body and understanding your body. Because every body's different.

Amber: hmm.

Vicki: 100%. I love that., I also think that some of the emotional and relationship benefits to orgasm, of course, it increases the intimacy between two people. That of course increased intimacy roots everything. Some sort of orgasms, intimacy, connection, all of that, paired together really creates a strong foundation for a relationship.

Coralie: Absolutely. Let's talk about some barriers that people have to having orgasms. Psychological, we can feel, and even they, like everyone involved, can feel pressure. Pressure to perform, People who have penises, that pressure can sometimes be pretty obvious, because their genitalia is external and we can see whether it's like this, right, whereas ours is all internal. So, it's, that's why it's easier for women to fake it, [00:11:00] but that performance pressure can really hold you back because you're getting too much into your head. And that's a huge reason that people struggle. And like we already said, faking it can be that quick fix, but long term,

Vicki: Yeah.

You know, faking it chemically also is really detrimental to your physical body's further responses. So, when we fake it, our body goes, our brain goes, oh, that, that was it. That was it. Okay, got it. And it locks it in. And then the next time, when we're trying to have an orgasm, if we're not sort of recreating that scenario again, your body may or may not play with you.

So, you don't want to train your brain and your body, that something that isn't an orgasm is an orgasm.

Amber: exactly. if you're finding it difficult to achieve an orgasm, you can add a variety into the bedroom. Have a little bit of an open mind, have that communication. I know we say communication a lot, but it's so [00:12:00] key in any relationship. but. Having that communication going, you know, I think we should really try something different or in a different area Maybe in the car spice it up a little bit where your body's ooh, this is new This is fun or incorporate a toy If you've never had a toy before talk to your partner have that conversation outside of the bedroom and incorporate a toy Whether it's just a small little bullet a larger toy, whatever but That is a great way to spice things up.

Vicki: Yeah, agreed. You were saying locations, but different activities in your usual location, trying a different position. As women, especially we tend to have to be in a certain position in order to have an orgasm, test out some new spots, try some new things, see how your body responds.

You may have to go back to that, but I think that it's important to stretch, test yourself, emotionally, physically, just to see how your body will respond to some new stimuli. I think that that's, and it's exciting. [00:13:00] Yes.

Coralie: Lingerie is another great way to bring in some variety into the bedroom because, if you're naked every time you're having sex and maybe you have a partner that's like, Don't wear, they don't want you to wear lingerie because they don't see the point because they're just going to rip it off.

You need to be like, this is for me. Because it makes me feel like a sex goddess instead of, everyday me. And that can get your brain going, which can help create that variety,

um, in the bedroom as well.

Amber: And if you haven't solo explored lately, get in there. You're like, maybe something's changed. Like we change, our bodies change. We change, everything kind of changes as we age, whatever. Find out what's working for you right now, if it's been a little while, and tell your partner that.

Vicki: Yes. Yes. I mean, hormonally, we change and physically we change, and we have life, uh, that changes. We've got dynamics that change. We have to roll with those punches and, we really are chameleons. We really, really are. I love that you said that, figure out what your [00:14:00] body is enjoying and go with that. and again, we're going to go back to communication. Yeah, talk about your preferences. Talk about what you want to try. your brain is your biggest sex organ, so you want to make sure that you are engaging that and the second that you're engaging a partner and having conversation about your sex life, I think that that's going to also increase the connection and the intimacy.

 I think is important to acknowledge is that believe it or not, this might be shocking to some people's ears, but there are women in their forties, fifties, sixties, who've never experienced an orgasm.

Vicki: Yeah, that's a good point.

Coralie: I think before anyone's had an orgasm, they kind of have that, have I had an orgasm? I don't know. And then once you finally have one, you're like, Oh.

Vicki: That was it.

Coralie: Now that Yeah.

okay and sometimes that build up as you're about to have an orgasm that feels really good to you. And that's why people question it So that can be part of the barrier as well, right if you've never had one Solo play when you're getting that like is this it [00:15:00] is this it you're getting close.

Amber: Keep going.

Coralie: Keep going keep. 

Amber: There's an importance of embracing the journey, not just the destination, orgasms are wonderful. They're great. Don't get me wrong, but intimacy is about more than just climaxing.

Vicki: yes,

Coralie: Yeah, I think when, you think back and you think about your most memorable sexual experiences, yes, you probably had like a mind-blowing orgasm, but what led up to that?

Vicki: correct.

Coralie: to that?

Vicki: What did they say? Four play starts in the morning.

Coralie: That's right.

Okay. Before we close out this podcast, we do want to circle back to last week's podcast where we discussed vacation sex and our wonderful friend, Vicki here was off in Mexico with her new man. 

Vicki: know. 

Coralie: together for the first time. And we asked her some questions, some predictions that she had for her [00:16:00] vacation. 

Vicki: I've never felt like I've missed out on something more than I do right now. I'm like, I can't wait to watch that episode. You recorded without me.

Coralie: Okay, so let's go, let's go into the first question we asked you. How many pairs of underwear do you think he will pack? And you said eight.

Vicki: I said eight and he packed six.

Amber: How do they do that?

Vicki: I'm not sure. I think they bank on wearing their, 

swimsuit. Like,

or like a lot

Amber: Okay. I guess.

Vicki: there. We, we absolutely were on the beach at the pool 90 percent of the day. So, you know, you put your underwear on at night, you wear it for two hours, you go for dinner, and you go like, yeah, I think it was fair.

They're not like 

Coralie: level of calmness.

Amber: I'm bringing 14,

Vicki: was 16. We're going for 8 days, 16 pairs of underwear.

Amber: right?

Vicki: You never wear all 16 as a woman, but you need to have them. You don't

Amber: It might, [00:17:00] something might happen.

Vicki: Anything could happen.

Amber: Anything

Coralie: If you don't pack them, you're going to need them.

Vicki: Yeah. So, six was the answer.

It worked out well. It was fine. They just have so much confidence.

Men, men have so much confidence. Like, yeah, okay. All right. You're not going to shit your drawers. All

right. 

Coralie: cares if I shouldn't? I can't. Uh.

Vicki: And then we don't, we're like, Oh my God. It's like we do it every day. Okay. Good question. Next.

Coralie: Question number two was, uh, what level of sunscreen protection do you think he's going to bring? And you said SPF 50.

Vicki: I did.

Coralie: And what did he, what did he bring? 

Vicki: He brought 30.

Amber: Did he burn? 

Vicki: No, neither of us burned actually. We did not burn. I am tanned. I am lovely. SPF 30. Was the name of the game, I guess. But I know Coralie, it should be 50 or more. I got it.

Coralie: you know what? [00:18:00] I honestly, I'm just impressed. He brought any I know my husband would forget.

Question number three was how many days into the vacation do you think it will be before he suggests Guinea dipping? And you said zero days and.

Vicki: and zero. He didn't never, I knew he wouldn't ask. He would never, he is such a gentleman. He would never. Ask me that. I would be the one that would be like, but in our pool at the hotel, you could go and night swim, but they always had the light on. 

Coralie: Question number four was what's your prediction of something you think he will forget to pack? And you said razor. And what did he forget to pack?

Vicki: Nothing. We joked about him. I nicknamed him boy scouts a while back. You girls will remember.

that last, last winter. He is literally prepared for every scenario, but I have to tell you this. I had a pair of distressed shorts. You've probably seen me wear them and, uh, this one part of them was getting thinner and thinner.

I guess it had pulled and I thought I'm gonna get one more wear out of these. I'll wear them on [00:19:00] this vacation and be good. I literally arrived, took these shorts out and it had just flapped wide open. This man had a tie strap. Is that what they're called? Those tie straps?

Coralie: Like a zap strap type 

Vicki: Yeah, yeah! Like, one of those plastic,

and then you, and it locks, uh huh. He used that on my shorts, tied the part on the leg together, and it held. I, I literally think I'm gonna get another season. Out of these shorts, you could not even see the tie strap and he just clipped it together. And I literally, I was like, okay, I like, I'm sure I can get like a sewing kit or something just to judge this for a couple of days.

And he was like, no, no, no, no, no. I went to the bathroom. I came out and he was done. I swear to God, boy scout all the way.

Coralie: Wow. He's a unicorn.

Vicki: He might be.

Coralie: Okay. And our last question was, [00:20:00] if he could pick anywhere in the world to take you, Where do you think you would choose and I thought this was a good question because I feel like when you're on vacation If it's a good vacation, you're already talking about another vacation. So, you said Italy and what did he say?

Vicki: Italy. 

Coralie: I'm

Vicki: about Italy before. he's a chef. So, Italy is just one of those places that most chefs want to go and just experience the food and, um, yeah, just dive into. So, Italy it is. So, we'll see if I can take a long vacation. I don't know, but I don't know about that flight, but we'll see. It was pretty successful for our first vacation away together like that. I mean, it was seven, eight days that we spent, back-to-back. It was good. It was fun., it was relaxing. 

Coralie: Glad you had a great time. And just, you know, to circle back to our point from last week's podcast is if you have the opportunity to go on vacation with a new partner before you move in together, do it. You're going to find out a lot about each other.

Amber: Yeah, for 

Vicki: That's so [00:21:00] true. Oh my gosh. I'm glad that that was, uh, that was your topic. That's amazing.

Amber: All right. So, the orgasm gap is real, but it doesn't have to stay that way. By understanding our bodies, communicating openly, and prioritizing authentic pleasure, we can all work towards more fulfilling experiences. So, try something new this week, whether it's a toy, a conversation, or taking some time to explore something new.

Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like to subscribe and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts and Hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.

Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it [00:22:00] unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.