Episode 8: Bringing Back the Passion: Practical Tips for Rebuilding Intimacy

In this episode of Not Safe for Brunch, we’re diving deep into what happens when intimacy fades in a relationship—and, more importantly, how to bring it back. Whether it’s emotional distance, communication breakdowns, or life just getting in the way, we’re serving up real talk and actionable tips to help you reconnect.

From tackling the roommate phase to the importance of date nights, setting relationship goals, and knowing when it’s time to have the hard conversations, we’re covering it all.

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Transcript

Vicki: [00:00:00] On today's episode, we're tackling the important topic of rebuilding intimacy after a rough patch. Whether it's emotional distance, a communication breakdown, or just the stress of life getting in the way, we'll explore actionable tips to help you reconnect and rebuild. 
Oh,
Welcome to not safe for brunch in this podcast. We're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table. Unapologetically. Think about it as having those important unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between with over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.
Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Cora Lee. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mom of two, half empty nesting, [00:01:00] one in, one out. And my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.
And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a GMA. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff and I get to the point. I love it. I am Vicky. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced and I'm reentering the relationship space. I am a mom to two grown ups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationshipping, which of course creates trust.
Vicki: That is the truth, ladies. We've each spent decades in sexual education, working with individuals from all walks of life, helping them connect with their bodies and their desires and their relationships in a deeper way. Relationships naturally ebb and flow and it's normal to hit periods where things feel distant or disconnected, but the good news is that the right tools and the mindset, it's absolutely possible to reignite the [00:02:00] connection and bring back that spark. So we were joking about this earlier about how I'm running a catch and release program with men, but, honestly, I think that,, something that was missing in my relationships was the ability to problem solve.
And I think that's a massive piece of information and it's a tool that I think everybody really needs to embrace. And I know we're all in different relationship styles, I'm working on getting better every single day. And I think that I subscribe to the idea of being 1 percent better today than I was yesterday.
And I think I've done that my whole life. So I think sometimes I just kind of leave people in the dust. So, I'm just going to just keep trying until I get it right. What do you guys think?
Coralie: I think that's the best you can ask for, right? Is as long as you're continuing to try, learn, and grow, you're winning.
Amber: Yeah, absolutely. I've been married, 10 years, 14, something like that. Um. But, we don't get it right every time. We kind of fumble our way through [00:03:00] it, but we try to talk and communicate as much as possible.
And sometimes, it maybe doesn't work right away, but I feel like as long as we come back to it, we could usually, fix things and make things work or at least agree to disagree.
Vicki: it's that willingness and that wantingness, right? So I think that there are just some people that go this is worth fixing and adjusting and modifying and zhuzhing and doing all the things and you know going back to date nights and figuring it out and you know having the really hard conversations.
There are lots of people who really rather ignore the problem or ignore the hard conversation. and it sometimes feels easier to opt out than not. And, I've always wanted to grow and I just haven't been with people who have wanted to grow with me. So, whatever, maybe third time's a charm.
Coralie: I think if someone's in a long term relationship and they're like, we've never had a fight. Everything's always been perfect. They got skeletons? And I want to see them all. [00:04:00] I know you're hiding something, you know, and it's not that people have to share all their stuff with everyone, but I think, you're fooling yourself.
And then you're also giving other people a false sense of hope for a relationship, because I'm not saying you have to have screaming matches, but if you never disagree or have to have a hard discussion. Someone is bending an awful lot.
Vicki: too much? Yeah. So somebody is giving more, and that creates resentment.
Coralie: Absolutely. 
Amber: Yeah, it's that complacency. It's not necessarily a good situation, but I think common causes for, rough patches and stuff are just stages in life where, you get married, you're, in a new relationship or you're just freshly new married and you're like excited and everything's happening and then, oh, you move into going to buy a house and now there's stress, right?
You might have stress about finances or anything like that. Bring in kids and, there's all [00:05:00] these different stages of life, and even when they're moving out now, you're like, shoot, what do I do now?
Vicki: Yeah, that reconnection process when the children move out of the home, that's really, really difficult because sometimes you can find yourself in a bit of a roommate situation because you've been rearing children and you've been doing the things and you're so hyper focused on the family growing and, getting them out the door so that they are, Self sufficient functioning human beings out there. that you do sort of forget that we've got to stoke the fire, right? It just dies out if we don't and again, I still believe in that willingness and that wantingness for sure But the resentments we talked about and for example Falling into the routine of just neglecting the relationship. That's the part that gets really, really hard because the interesting thing is that sometimes it can feel difficult when you try to do those connective things again, but you've become roommates. Now you're trying to like bridge this gap, but it just feels so awkward and some people aren't willing to work through that awkward stage, but some people really [00:06:00] want to. And I think that those are the cool kids. So I think that one of the biggest things that we can do is start to recognize the signs of the disconnect. And like Amber said, it could be an argument or it could just be No arguments, right?
Coralie, you said, you've got skeletons if you're not talking, right? Or if everything seems perfect on the outside and how often do we hear somebody say about another person's relationship? They just have the perfect marriage. They have the perfect relationship.
Oh, they're so great. Oftentimes, you know that that is extremely performative when you see a couple who seems like they are in a perfect relationship. Chances are you like you said, someone's being very performative. They're letting go of some of their needs and we have to recognize that and as a partner, we have to recognize when we're pushing someone so hard that they are losing themselves and then we have to jump back in for that reconnection.
 How would you balance addressing problems while still expressing appreciation to your partner then?
Coralie: Well, one thing [00:07:00] I think when you are addressing problems that a lot of people don't consider is timing, I've learned from my own mistakes, and when our kids. were young and my husband was working full time and I was doing the stay at home mom gig but also trying to build this little business on the side.
He worked 12 hour shifts and he would come home and I would just dump on him as soon as he walked in the door, And then I would get mad because he wasn't reciprocating, he didn't want to get into it, but man just worked 12 hours, and so I learned that I had to wait, until we were both in a good space to have the discussion rather than just when I was ready, because if it's all about when I'm ready.
Vicki: Wait, it's, that's not what it's all about. I'm just kidding.
Coralie: This is why I'm still married.
Vicki: You're right. All right. Catch and release. Got it. Catch and release. Yeah,
Amber: No, but I think you make a good point though. It's really important to, find the [00:08:00] good times or learn your partner to know when those times are better. Because I know for myself, like when my husband and I have an argument or disagreement or anything, he is not ready to discuss it right then and there.
Like I'm the talker. I'm like, let's just, Let's deal with this. We're going to do one, two, three, and we're going to deal with this. And he's like, leave me alone. He needs a good 10 minutes to decompress, really process what just happened. And then we could usually get back together and be like, okay, how do we deal with this now?
So you got to learn really how your partner works as well. And kind of have that common ground to agree to do what's best for the both of you.
Vicki: but here's what you don't want to do. You don't want to create such a delay in that conversation That too much time has passed or that it never gets rehashed, right? So I get that a lot of people especially anyone who is engaged in any anger management they recognize that they need to remove themselves from that situation. That does not mean friends That you get to remove [00:09:00] yourself and never revisit that because that was a conversation that needed to be had You needed to collect yourself. That's cool. But we do need to come back to this conversation It doesn't just get to go away. And then if that happens, then you're gonna have more resentment, etc So just remember that this is a collaborative process.
This one person cannot solve the couple's problems, right? Or I use problems loosely. It could just be an abrasion, you know, it could just be something minute, right? But again, one person can't be the only one who's doing the work, but we also need to have grace with one another. And I think that we do that in our intimate relationships and in our friendships.
I mean, the three of us, we can, sometimes one of us is having a bit of an abrasive day and that's okay. And then we just sort of give that person space and we carry on back in, right? Yes, Cor.
Coralie: I've, I've been abrasive lately. I'm sorry, friends. But I think you bring up a good point about the [00:10:00] collaboration because when you have these instances where, you're not connecting and, maybe there's been an argument. I think this sort of hallmark life we've been watching is that, and everyone just ends up agreeing and they get along and they live happily ever after when the reality is, and sometimes in those things, you're never going to get back on the same page on it, right?
You might never want to do things your partner's way and they might never want to do things your way, but a relationship is collaboration. And you have to figure out where you can collaborate on that and just accept and agree to disagree. You can we start with something simple like towel folding?
 That's a stupid little thing that a lot of newly married couples argue about, right?
Vicki: A toilet paper roll. Stop it. Stop
it. It does not matter. Over or under.
Amber: Uh, yes, it
Coralie: I was gonna say, it totally does, but,
Amber: I mean, it matters if it's on the roll or not too.[00:11:00] 
Coralie: but I'm, like, those are good, if you can learn to collaborate on those little things and figure out what's worth letting go and what's worth, whatever, then it makes it easier when the bigger things come up, because the bigger things are gonna come up eventually.
Vicki: I agree. Yeah. And I think that, couples who recover faster recover because they are embracing the idea of collaboration, that forward moving. We may not be rowing the boat at the exact same time. We might struggle a little bit, but we'll get back on track. Right? Like the wantingness again, I'll say it over and over again.
The wantingness is huge.
Coralie: Mm hmm.
Vicki: Totally.
Coralie: Absolutely.
Amber: In an event where you're disconnected from your partner, whatever that reason is, it might be, I don't know, some health issue happened. It might be, kids are little and everything's going crazy and you're just busy every single night. How do you like come back and rebuild that intimacy?, because it can, like you said, Vicki, it can get awkward where you're like, shoot, it's been three months and we've hardly touched each other maybe because life happened and everything got [00:12:00] crazy. And now how do I get back to. How would you do that without feeling super awkward, or do you just do the awkward, check the box and keep going and move up forward?
How would you, how would you do that?
Vicki: I think that it depends on where you are in the status of the relationship. If you are still in the relationship and you want that to work, then you're going to make it a priority. You're going to take the steps. You're going to do the things because I promise you when a partner is pulling away and another one is asking for intimacy or conversation or collaboration and the other partner is pulling away, it doesn't matter who's who in this instance, whatever that looks like. The partner pulling away is making a conscious decision to leave. The emotional side of that marriage and whether the physical side has started to wane , it will so I do believe that it is a conscious decision to want to stay to work to build to grow and I think that without that, that's where we're going to see the breakdowns happen.
Can we just talk about like our [00:13:00] grandparents and, you look generationally. And while I do think that some people stay together just because that's just what you did. but I also think that there was a mentality of you fix, What's broken as opposed to buying new and I think that goes for everything But, I do think that there was a piece of that that the family unit the unit of marriage It was important enough. It was sacred and it was something that people Cherished and they wanted to maintain and they did whatever they had to do And again, like Coralie said some of them, you know There might have been situations where somebody was just sort of giving in , and that could be but there are still lots of really successful Successful marriages that we see and so privy to social media now that we see so many instances of that With older couples that you're like, yeah, dang, that's pretty cute and there may be some really crappy underlying stories like let's be real I'm sure no one was a prince and a princess their entire marriage if they've been married for 65 years shit happens, man But for [00:14:00] some reason they made it work.
They made it a priority to continue to build
Coralie: Well, I think, too, a big part of that is,, It wasn't easy to get divorced, especially for women, you couldn't even, I think it was like 1975 before a woman could even have a bank account here in Canada. So when people talk about how the divorce rates gone up, it's because people didn't have choices and people were stuck in situations because they could not do anything.
My grandma, she divorced her first husband in the mid to late fifties. , then her dad ended up co signing a mortgage so that she could get her own house and, you know what I mean? Like if you didn't have that kind of support, you were kind of stuck, and we've all known couples that are older and you're like, God, I hope, , couple goals when you see this like cute little 80, 90 year old couple that have been together forever.
But we've all seen those couples in the same age where , do they even like each other? And [00:15:00] I think those ones are the ones that were kind of stuck and didn't have options.
Vicki: You know what? I'm actually noticing a lot. just because I'm, in this interesting phase of my life in my fifties and dating and,, I'm noticing more and more, people 50 plus 60, 70, who are also, They're testing the waters out there. And we're watching, really seniors dating.
And I just think it's fun and it's cool. And I just think good for them because it ain't over till it's over guys. Right. saying.
Coralie: Totally.
Amber: There are different types of intimacy where you want to reconnect and it might not be all the types that you're disconnected from. It might just be some types that you're disconnected from, whether it's emotional, physical. What kind of activities or steps are we doing to re ignite that, like, is it date nights? What do you find works best for you? Maybe Coralie, like you've been together with your husband for a while What do you find that works best for you when you've kind of been disconnected either emotionally or physically?
Coralie: well, so one thing that we actually learned way back in the beginning of all of us, because we all started roughly in the same time, that stuck with me is that, no matter what's happening in the bedroom, if everything else, if every [00:16:00] other aspect of the relationship seems to be going well, it doesn't really matter what's happening in the bedroom.
But if the problem is like, we're not having sex and it's all bedroom related, it's because there's shit going on in the other spots. Right? So that's one reason I'm glad I got into this industry because it gave me that education and knowledge , and I've always thought that and used that,, in the back of my mind when my husband and I are chatting, working through stuff.
 when we were young, I would say one of the first big sort of conflicts and disconnects that we had to work through was raising small kids. And because our kids were born in the late 90s and early 00s, and there wasn't the kind of education there is now, I didn't know that the reason I never wanted to have sex was because someone was touching me 24 seven, you know, like I had a kid on one hip, my hand on another and I loved them and I loved that time and I loved all that, but I definitely didn't then want to [00:17:00] be groped, later on.
And I thought it was him being disrespectful. He thought I just didn't love him anymore. And it's because I just kept learning and. Talking to other people. It's why I'm such a big advocate for community because if no one ever talked about this stuff I would have never known and we probably wouldn't have we wouldn't be having the same conversation today, Lately, within the last five six years realizing that Our kids are leaving us which good.
That's what you want them to do, right? But it made us both realize that we had to make sure that we were doing things to Continue to stay connected. So we started these weekly date nights and they're not or date days Usually we're for daytime people. We don't want to go out And i'm lucky my husband works 12 hour shifts, so he doesn't work five days a week So we typically have a weekday that we can do stuff And when we were consistent, we're not consistent with them right now, but that's a whole other show But when we were consistent It would be [00:18:00] like, sometimes we would do something fun, but sometimes we would do something functional.
So a date is cleaning the garage together. A date is working on the yard and getting the garden together, a date is going to the beach and walking and having lunch. 
Vicki: my God, do men ever love that shoulder to shoulder time?
Coralie: right?
Vicki: Wow. I don't really love sitting there while you change the oil in the car, but you love it and I can hand you things like, honestly.
Amber: I really think it's important though to embrace those just everyday moments as a date or a reconnection because it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to go out and spend a bunch of money and go to dinner and do the, cliche date night. You could do any kind of activity together and have that reconnection. And I think that that's really valuable.
Vicki: yeah, totally. and I think too, like you said, it doesn't have to be a formal date. It can just be connection time. As long as the two of you are recognizing it as time. Such right? So you're
literally [00:19:00] saying to yourselves, this is our time together for today or for this week or whatever that looks like, one thing I do want to touch on, of course, and we didn't preface this. but if the intimacy And the rough patch has anything to do with abuse, physical, emotional, et cetera. Please make sure to reach out for help. This is not obviously something that we are advocating you to just work through all the problems. Obviously, if there is some really serious issues here, not just a disconnection, definitely, reach to your friends, reach to support people and, and make sure that you're getting that help.
Because again, The physical intimacy and all of these things, they can kind of go away when we are not feeling safe, right? And that can be emotionally safe or physically safe. We're not here to decide that for you. I do believe, and I'm going to say it out loud.
I do think that a marriage or a relationship without physical intimacy is doomed. I think that if that is the piece that goes away completely, I think that you're in trouble and I think that that is one of the very first signs [00:20:00] when all of a sudden, like Amber said, you're looking at it going, Oh, we've only had sex once this quarter. Mm. Mm mm. That's not okay. We need to revisit that then and that is for sure because life can get busy, but we need to make sure that we are giving each other that time because it is the one time and it could be five minutes, it could be 15, it could be an hour, I don't care. That is the one time when it is only about the two of you. , and I do think that that physical degree is very important.
Coralie: I agree, but also I think there's a different side to that. We've all talked to hundreds and hundreds, if not thousands of people. And what I found really interesting is there are some couples. They're not common, it's kind of a rarity, where the physical intimacy, like, as in actually having sex.
isn't really a priority to either one of them because of, a medical issue or hormonal or whatever. And I think [00:21:00] that as long as you're both okay with it and you're still connecting and being intimate in ways that don't mean you're naked and swinging from the chandeliers. But I think as long as you're maintaining intimacy in some way, shape, or form, then you are going to stay connected as a couple.
But if you're both okay with how things are and there's not actual, sex happening, but you're snuggling on the couch and spooning and watching movies, and, as long as that's okay for both of you, then that, then that's okay.
Amber: That's the key though, you really have to communicate with your
partner and, recheck in, Right. Because if you are having that, long maybe span where for whatever reason you're not physically intimate, uh, like sex wise, not necessarily, you know, because you could be cuddling and be physically intimate.
You could kiss and touch and whatever and be physically intimate. But if you're not going further than that, you got to make sure you're both on the same page and whether it's your partner. Maybe [00:22:00] medical issue, your partner's medical issue. You both gotta be like, yeah, I understand. I agree. And this is where we're going to, where we're at for right now.
And that's okay 
Vicki: Right. And at the beginning of this podcast, we talked about the ebb and flow. We know that this happens in our relationships and that there are extenuating factors or just emotional factors or whatever that looks like. I agree with you a hundred percent, Coralie. You've just got to be on the same page, which goes back to the communication, which goes back to the fueling and stoking that fire, making sure that that's prevalent. 
Alright, so I think that there's a few things, Coralie mentioned, having regular date days and, making sure that you're setting aside that time, whatever that looks like, maybe just shoulder to shoulder time. But, I also think that it's really important to, especially in a long term relationship, to sit down. ... even every quarter, but I would say twice a year for sure. And just have a conversation about what do we want the structure of our household to look like with a family? If you still got kids at home, the two of you, how do we fit all of these pieces together? And I know I have a few clients in my business who definitely [00:23:00] sit down once a year at the beginning of the year and say, how do we want this to look? Some of them even go away, get a hotel, just sit down. They do whatever just to give themselves that downtime together to sort of map it out. what do we want to achieve as a couple?
How do we want this to look? Where are we in our lives? How are things shifting menopause, all the things, hormones, children, grandchildren, what does that look like? How are we going to move into this next phase of our lives this year? And what is that going to look like together? So I think that is something that.
I would definitely recommend and it doesn't have to be formal. It can be a pretty informal thing, but just have the conversation. Where are we going? Right? Cause when you're in a dating situation, you're checking in for, you know, not often, but you're checking in going, okay, so how are we progressing? Right? Why are we not continuing that throughout our entire relationship so that we continue to maintain and stay on the same page and adjust where we need to?
Amber: love that and I think that you could also add and incorporate Your own [00:24:00] individual goals as well. So where do I wanna go as me? Where do you wanna go as you, how do we blend those goals together as what we wanna do? And I think that's a great amazing date night to just sit down and set some goals. And I absolutely love that.
Vicki: How can I support you, Amber, in where you're headed this year in your business, in your life, in your, what are your personal goals? I love that. I think that's, that's, beautiful. That's very loving.
Amber: Right? 
Vicki: real. That is just such a loving conversation.
Amber: Yeah.
Coralie: I'm just smiling over here because the first thing that went through my mind is goal setting as a couple.
Amber: We all had that like we were, we were in sync.
Coralie: Because, we've had to do this recently, what do we want our retirement to look like, because we really didn't talk about it earlier because we were so young, it seemed so far away. And now I'm 49 and he's 54 and it's Oh, we really should, have a little more of a conversation about that.
 We have now, and I think that. [00:25:00] If you don't have something you're working towards, and I don't mean you have to have these big goals, but even small goals, like what do we want the vibe of our house to be, what we want people to feel when they come in, and those can create those like functional dates, oh, we're going to paint this wall blue because it's so calming and welcoming and whatever, but reaching those little things together, It's really helpful to stay connected, to give you the life you want together, and it helps make those bigger goals easier to talk about and easier to reach.
And it feels so freaking good when it's done and you accomplish something together, big or small. I mean, unless you're having severe hormone issues, you might be like, hey, let's go to bed. Let's celebrate.
Vicki: Listen, I'm going to tell you right now. I think nap dates are
Coralie: I've
Vicki: didn't even understand it, but when I started dating the gentleman I'm with now, and I was just like the dopamine hit I get. And I just, Oh, I just want to. Can we just have a nap? [00:26:00] honestly, I, it's even that, right?
Because we feed off of each other's chemicals in general, right? So we have to, we can't negate that. We can't forget about that. I love that so
Amber: Yeah. And I think if you're not having fun in your relationship or you've lost that fun because everything got so like, you know, we got to bring this child to dance. We got to do this. We got to do this. You working this day. I'm working that day. And then the kind of fun goes away. I think incorporating some fun to just reignite that connection is really important, whether it's like taking a class, like my husband and I took a pottery class, we literally just went in and played with mud and we didn't get to take anything home.
It was literally, we were just playing. on the wheel with mud and we had so much fun and we laughed and we giggled and we left all free. We were filthy.
Vicki: All I can, all I can see, I don't know, Coralie, are you with me on this? All I see is ghosts.
Amber: wasn't like that at all. 
Vicki: They're like, wow, that's hot, Amber.
Amber: was more laughing and more silliness than that. But I think that bringing [00:27:00] in playful, fun, silly activities like that , is really, really crucial to reconnecting. If you're finding, you're not connecting very well, find something you guys can do
together. Do an experience, do
Coralie: And can I also add in there too, and I mean, granted, this is definitely, if it's in your budget and you can make it work, but for us, the first time we had taken a big vacation without friends, without kids, was 15 years after we got married. And, uh, I mean, our honeymoon, we drove up to Whistler. It was two nights.
I had bronchitis. It wasn't romantic. And we've done camping and like little, weekend here, weekend there. But we went to Maui for 10 days and that just. It does something when you get into that situation with your partner where you have nothing to do but focus on each other and find wonderful new things together, newness together, so that's one thing, again, if it's in your budget and if you have the support to be able to go away from your work and from your [00:28:00] family, if you have kids, I think that's definitely something that can kind of kickstart it and remind you Of why you fell in love, and go from there, but I love hobbies too.
Riley got ,Chad a rock tumbling kit last year for Christmas. I hate the sound of this thing it has to go for days, but it is so interesting and we're like, oh Oh, look at this rock. Oh, look at this rock like the rock people now we go for a walk We're like, oh, let's tumble this one, you know, like
Vicki: That's
hilarious. 
Coralie: detector.
We're like, oh Whose misfortune is going to be ours?
Vicki: That's hilarious. I love that. Oh my god. Alright, so let's talk a little bit about overcoming some setbacks and some challenges. So let's say that, We're trying to move forward, we need to come together What are some of the tools that we can, reach into our toolbox for of course being realistic taking some time to really Hear one another understand someone else's perspective knowing that fair isn't always equal and you are not always right
 think that will help to Take down the walls I [00:29:00] think that a lot of times in a partnership one one partner can feel like it doesn't matter what I say It doesn't matter that I don't want that wall to be blue. It doesn't Like it's they just feel like they don't really have any choices and options and you know Those little things can wear away at people and I think it's really important to recognize those.
Amber: Well, and I think too, you might have setbacks in your relationship, whatever that might look like. if your partner did something that you weren't happy with, or, let's say spent money you didn't know about, like whatever that might look like. And basically, maybe, you lost some trust there. I think recognizing the situation to overcome it is really important, but also don't keep going back into it. When we've discussed what happened, when we've apologized for what happened and you move forward and then six months later you're in an argument and you're bringing it back up again, that's kind of going backwards and I feel like that's not allowing you to overcome that setback either. [00:30:00] So really, if you haven't gotten over it, you got to find a way to either discuss it more, bring in additional help, whether it's a counselor that you guys can go together, But I think, really overcoming that and not looking back is really important.
Vicki: And I think too, being a partner who is willing to work on their part, recognizing that a breakdown doesn't happen just because one person, right? So being able to take that and go, okay, what role did I play in this? And how can I change and not repeating those same behaviors over and over again? Because again, once we lose the trust, Either side rebuilding it is a really big deal So if you rebuild it and then lose it again That is going to create a wedge that is going to create a lot of difficulty to get back To that, peak level again as a couple and that's the kind of stuff that repeated Wearing down of the trust because the same problem keeps coming up, we're not actually being active in [00:31:00] change or in finding common ground.
I think that's problematic. So I would definitely find your place in the problem, take your responsibility, and then do the work to move forward.
Coralie: I think that's really important for a couple of reasons. One is, like you said, there's never anything that's a hundred percent on one person in the relationship. Both people had a part to play. And if someone just gets divorced and they don't work on themselves, they're going to get that same problem in the next relationship, and they're going to be like, why am I attracting the same type of partners?
It's because they're not doing the work on themselves to not fall into that pattern again. I also think therapy is so important we've gone to marriage counseling, random times throughout our marriage when we just needed an unbiased listener, and I've had the marriage counselor tell me some shit I really didn't want to hear, but needed to tell him the [00:32:00] same thing, and I think a lot of people think therapy means you're giving up.
No therapy means you're pulling all the stops. I'm not walking away unless I know, that we can't get past this. and it's really hard if you have a partner that won't go to therapy with you. I think that is basically just kind of doom right there, right? But I just think there's a lot to be said for this. finding a good therapist. , and I also think that if you personally go to therapy, you can't just pull your partner into that therapy session. You have to find someone new. That is not an unbiased therapist.
Amber: Absolutely.
Vicki: I think a good therapist won't allow that. That's just a bad idea. I have to concur. I took a, an entire year of good solid therapy, a couple of times a month, because I wanted to ensure that I did not repeat a pattern. moving forward, when I decided to start dating again and what that was going to look like, I recognized the, pieces of me that were broken and I [00:33:00] needed to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
And, no one did that to me. It happened and I was participatory in it and I had to figure out a way to, to get to the other side of it because I wanted to be better than I was yesterday and I wasn't. Therapy man, get a good therapist. They're worth it. I one time heard somebody say that they wish that they'd put their kids in therapy instead of sports because they would have been a mode and they would have been emotionally equipped to handle anything that came their way.
Sports could have been secondary. But if they were going to put their money anywhere, they wish they would have put it into therapy. I think that sometimes we just need to get to where we are in life to go, yeah, this is what I really need. And, I'm a huge proponent for therapy.
 as long as you're going to be participatory in it, and as long as you're going to do the heavy lifting and the hard work, it can be the best thing that you do for yourself and for anybody in your,
Coralie: Mhm. Another thing I would throw into that because I understand that therapy costs money, especially in these trying times. A lot of people don't have disposable income for therapy. But one thing I think is really [00:34:00] great, like a substitute that doesn't really substitute but will give you both things to think about is Finding a podcast that focuses on some of the issues that you are Discussing for example, one of my favorite podcasts that I often recommend to my clients Is called foreplay.
It's radio sex therapy and they're 30 minute
Vicki: I love that. I love that podcast, dude. You got me on that. I can't stop
Coralie: It's so good. And sometimes, you go on a walk together and you just put that on and you're listening while you're walking. You find one that's relevant to the issues because there's hundreds you could, no matter what your issue is, if it's an intimacy issue, they're going to have something on that podcast.
And that is, a good discussion starting point. You're getting, it's a sex therapist and a relationship therapist that work together. It's one man, one woman, so you have both, represented. And, I think that can you're trying to build to get to the therapy point.
 It all goes back to that inability [00:35:00] to communicate or that unwillingness to communicate or whatever that looks like. I just think that, communication piece is just so Huge and again, it could be that you just need to hear from somebody and you're right.
Vicki: That podcast is phenomenal and there's lots of other
styled podcasts and trainings and things like self help stuff that you can immerse yourself in that is going to Help you and again, hopefully grow together as opposed to one of you, becoming an evolved human being and the other one kind of no, I really like where we are, you know what I mean?
It's a tough sort of, , balance , of who do we want to become. , and sometimes we just grow apart, guys. it just happens where you've just beat that to a pulp and it's just , This is end game, right? , and there's no shame in that. And I feel
sorry for people who stay together when they're really so terribly unhappy because you really don't have to be right.
And we also don't have to be in a cohabit of, or in a, an exclusive marriage relationship, whatever that looks like in order to [00:36:00] be happy. As you're single Pringle living on her own here. I just think that's a really important piece too, is just to remember that it being happy is about you being a whole person, you finding what fills your cup and then finding another whole person and then coming together. And if you're in a young relationship, you're going to have to do some of these growing pain things. How many people are starting over in their 50s? The children leave, things get weird. No one wants to do the work. It is what it is. And then all of a sudden you're here and you're like, Oh, I got to figure me out, you know, so it's just kind of a wild situation, but I don't want to negate the, single women of the world.
Like you're okay on your own too. You're good. You're good.
Coralie: I read something really interesting lately and it was about gray divorce is what it's called. And it is couples that are divorcing at that, you know, their kids have left and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. and it's very common. and I read an interesting statistic that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women.
Vicki: yes. [00:37:00] That's
true. 
Coralie: um, a lot of times women have been trying to, do the things that we're discussing, but they have a partner who is just stuck in their ways. And I think that's a product of society because men have a lot of times been raised in this sort of toxic man, positivity thing. And they think talking about their problems makes them less of a man, you know?
Vicki: right, well we've talked a lot today about rebuilding intimacy after a rough patch and how it takes patience and effort and willingness to reconnect, but it's a journey worth taking. So remember, every relationship faces challenges and the key is to approach them as a team together with open communication and consistent, thoughtful actions. Whether it's reigniting emotional closeness, rekindling physical intimacy, or simply spending more quality time together, small steps can lead to big changes. Thanks so much for joining us today. , take what resonated with you, put it into practice, give it a try. And remember, relationships are built, [00:38:00] rebuilt, and strengthened over time. 
 Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts. And Hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes. So you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.
Vicki: Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.