Episode 18: 10 Ways to Nurture Intimacy in the Chaos of Raising Kids

Remember when date night used to be spontaneous? In this episode of Not Safe for Brunch, hosts Coralie, Amber, and Vicki share 10 actionable tips for maintaining intimacy while raising young children. From reframing intimacy beyond sex to planning mini dates at home, they offer practical advice based on their combined 55+ years of experience in the intimacy industry. The conversation covers everything from quick texts and casual touches to embracing quickies and maintaining open communication. Tune in for a candid discussion about keeping the spark alive amidst the chaos of parenthood, and don't forget to subscribe for more unfiltered chats about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

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Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] Remember when date night used to be spontaneous? When intimacy wasn't scheduled between nap times and snack breaks, if you're feeling like your love life has taken a backseat to bedtime routines and diaper duty, you're not alone. Today, we're sharing 10 ways to keep the intimacy alive when you have young kids at home and trust us.

We've been there. I may be there right now, grab your coffee or mimosa, no judgment here, and let's get into it.  

Coralie: Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important, unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the [00:01:00] intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Cor Lee. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mama, two half empty nesting, one in one out, and my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

Amber: And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a gma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff, and I get to the point. 

Vicki: I love it. I am Vicki. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced, and I'm reentering the relationship space. I'm a mom to two grownups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationship, which of course creates trust.

Amber: So today we're talking 10 ways to just keep that intimacy alive, especially when you [00:02:00] have little kids at home.

And number one is reframing intimacy beyond sex. intimacy isn't just about sex, it's about connection. Right? Those quick moments of affections throughout the day, hugs and kisses, flirty texts, what are some ways that you guys are, maybe sharing those?

Intimacy moments without the actual act. And I know you guys don't have any kids at home and I didn't up until recently and I'm just have one temporarily that I'm watching, a little four month old. So it's totally uprooted my life. But um.

Vicki: I mean, that's been fun for us from afar. Watching from afar, you watching your whole life kind of morph into something completely new. But even though I have been outside of that, realm of life, for a very, very long time, I have not forgotten. and I love the idea of the technology because the flirty texts don't just have to happen. When one's at work and one's at [00:03:00] home or vice versa, whatever that looks like. I mean, you literally could be across the room from one another and saying some pretty spicy stuff. So I think that's a really great idea. Yeah.

Amber: And then you make that eye contact

Vicki: Yeah,

Amber: like, oh my God. Because you can't say it in front of the kids, but you get texted over that just like spices it up. Then you know what's happening when they go to bed.

Vicki: that's right.

Coralie: Totally. one thing I think is really important too is to have those little moments of touching and stuff, and have those moments of touching. Not necessarily mean like, we're gonna do it later, you know, because if you feel like every time your partner touches you that they just wanna have sex, and you're like, I just want to feel good and feel like this is genuine and without. then you're gonna be more responsive to that, right? If you feel like every time your partner grabbed your hand, touches your back, that they're just trying to get you into bed, then it's going to kind of set you back a bit. So have those little touches without the expectation, because that will create an environment [00:04:00] where that will probably happen more than every time you're touched.

It means we're gonna do it.

Vicki: I'd have to agree. I think that, that casualness of it can be intimate and I think that we never wanna be setting ourselves up for a, this always equals that sort of scenario. And I think you're right. I think that you'll get more, happening in that area if you take the time to stoke the fire.

Amber: You could do these things during your regular routine, right? Like cooking, dinner, giving the kids a bath, whatever, and they don't even know what's happening. But you know what's happening.

Coralie: totally. And when you have young kids too, it can be very normal to be touched out. You know, like your kids are always, especially if you have like a stage five clinger for a baby. My, my last one he was. So those little moments of like just the light, gentle touches, those were a lot more meaningful and generally led to. Something more down the road, maybe later that day or later that week than, 

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: else.

Vicki: We've talked about it in our events that we've done [00:05:00] in the past about how, women are kind of like ovens. We need to preheat and you know, men can be like microwaves, , I think that across the board, we all want to feel wanted, needed and desired. And I think that it's those tiny little touches throughout the day or whatever that looks like.

I think that that does. Sort of wrap that up in a bow. And it does make us feel like it doesn't matter if we're physically intimate in the moment doing the thing, but we can, enjoy those moments of intimacy and connection and still feel incredibly connected.

Amber: And number two is to plan mini dates at home. You know, after the kids go to bed, light the candles, have a candle at dinner. You do not have to eat with them at four 30 or whatever time they're eating. Wait, make your own special little dinner watch maybe your favorite show together with no phone.

Put it down, put it away, and have that intimacy, just the two of you. Even if it's just for an hour.

Coralie: [00:06:00] Well, that

Amber: I,

Coralie: in Vicky's whole commercial sex.

Amber: oh yeah. If you haven't heard that before.

Vicki: Well, I, I love the idea of, it's kind of funny because my prime keeps coming up and asking me if I want to have the commercial free prime, and I'm like, why would I do that? That sounds silly. Honestly, I, yeah, it's just, you know, whenever there is a break in the show that you're watching, take some time, to hold one another's hands, kiss, touch one another, whatever that looks like, and whatever kind of intimacy that you desire. use those moments to jump in and then when the show comes back on, you jump out again and, that can go in any direction you choose for it to go.

Amber: I love it and the commercials just aren't long enough on Prime or the Netflix, like I don't pay for the premium Netflix either, so I have commercials and they're just not long enough.

Vicki: Yeah. Like, what the hell's with this one of one commercial break?

I need more.

Coralie: And then you see the countdown going and you're like, shit, we.

Vicki: [00:07:00] Yeah, totally.

Coralie: Yeah, my only suggestion for mini date is I think it's always fun to create like rituals, I just love the idea of rituals that are just for the couple, you know, I think those are really bonding and it gives you something that's just yours and it can end up being like an inside joke and something that can last you. Years. Years, and it's always going to bring you back, especially if you start it when you know you have young kids and then you've been married 30 years. It's still, it's gonna bring that youthfulness back into your relationship later on too.

Vicki: I have to tell you guys, I don't think we've ever talked about this I'm very much a, I like my bathroom, time to be, my bathroom time. I want my shower to be solo. I have no interest. I am too old to be trying to figure out how to maneuver in a shower, uh, without falling and breaking a hip.

 let's just be real. but you know what I really like, I love. Soaking in a tub, and I love having somebody to talk to. [00:08:00] So I have a bench in my bathroom and you're more than welcome to just sit there and talk my ear off. And my daughter used to do it back in the day when she was really little, right?

She would come and sit on the, in the bathroom, on the potty and just, you know, kind of talk to me while I was in there. And I love that because. That's that sort of really close time now talking about it in a relationship. not all the time obviously, but if I'm gonna have a soak in the tub and I'm just gonna be laying there relaxing, maybe glass of wine, I'm happy to have somebody sit and just chat.

And I just think that that can be really intimate, but it doesn't also have to be, become anything. It's just that time behind a closed door that, you can have that time together.

Amber: Yeah. And then you have somebody that's gonna like bring you a snack or fill your wine.

I mean, everyone has a purpose. 

Number three is to embrace the nap time quickie mindset. And I don't know about you, but I love a good quickie, so [00:09:00] I'm like, I'm the get it done kind of girl. So like, let's just get it done.

Vicki: No Lux over there at the.

Amber: No, we don't need that. Anyway. Sex does not have to be a grand event. Sometimes five minute moment, like it's good. You have that connection, it's all you need. Add a little bit of lube, right? Because you don't wanna be like rushing it where you're like, oh my gosh, it's so dry and this hurts. but just finding those small windows of opportunity and taking advantage of them.

And I know When our daughter was, she was older, she was, early teens, and I think it was the weekend, and she went with a friend next door, like she had a neighbor friend. She came home and we're like, oh, crap. And she's comes to the room and like, we had clothes down the hallway.

She, she's like, oh, guys. But it was like we knew we just had a little bit of time. She wasn't that.

Vicki: That's hilarious. [00:10:00] You do, you have to make them. And I also think that it's okay for our kids to see that we have a healthy relationship with our partner. I think that's really important. And I know that some people are like, I am not sharing any piece of that. I'm not sharing any piece of it either. But if I tell you to go outside and play for 15 minutes, I mean it like,

Amber: Right. Yeah.

Vicki: right. Um, I also like the idea that back to the bathroom with me, I don't know what this is all about. Apparently there's a theme, um,

but I. 

Amber: on that door.

Vicki: I mean, there's nothing wrong with a little bathroom meeting, right? And sometimes you're gonna have those little fingers that are gonna come underneath that door and you're gonna be like, we're having a meeting.

This is it. , I had a friend once who told her kids that they were upstairs talking about Disney, and , finally she had to pull the trigger and, take them to Disney. I mean, I think it was many years. But yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Coralie: We used to always say we're folding laundry, because they would not want to come help 

Vicki: oh, that's. 

Coralie: go [00:11:00] fold laundry. Um, and that just started. 'cause one time we were doing it and one of 'em was knocking on the door and they're like, whatcha doing? I'm like, we're folding laundry. Do you wanna help?

No. It's been folding laundry ever since. And now they're 27 and 22.

Amber: Don't you love how that just like keeps going those things.

Coralie: does. Yeah. Or we'll even still send a text to each other, like, do you wanna fold some laundry tonight? Like, just those things, you

Amber: Yeah.

Coralie: it brings you back to the beginning and it's fun and it's yours. It's

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: and that's what makes it intimate.

Amber: All right. Tip number four. Communicate openly about your needs and desires. And I know if you've been listening to the podcast,

Coralie: , we should have like called this not safe for brunch, communication style. I don't know. Somehow had communication in the title 'cause it comes up every episode, but it, it's where I think society struggles the most

Vicki: I agree. 

Coralie: you know,

Amber: Yep. Yep. I mean, there are nights sometimes, and I'm guilty of it. There are nights sometimes where [00:12:00] we just sit and have the TV on and like, we're have our phones and we scroll our phones and we hardly say two words to each other. Um, 

Vicki: Now. I think.

sometimes we need that.

Coralie: I,

Amber: Well.

Coralie: say that. 

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah.

Amber: mean, I might admittedly do it a little too often,

Vicki: Fair.

Amber: but you get into those routines, right?

Especially if you have young kids and you're getting into bedroom routines and all those things, and then you get on the couch finally like, ugh, right? And it's easy to just let that exhaustion take over. And you stop communicating. But it's really important to communicate and especially if, you know, you have two different people who, one person might be the initiator and the other person's not.

And now the initiator feels like they're always initiating and then they're never getting that, back at all. And so have that communication and have those, real conversations that you can then tell them like, I need you to initiate at least once a month or something like that. You know what I mean?

Like, share that with each other.

Coralie: And you can find ways to initiate that [00:13:00] might feel better for you. That was something that we struggled with too. When our kids were young. My husband was always the one initiating 'cause I was touched out. I was tired. I, I felt like every touch meant he wanted to have sex and we had to communicate a lot to work through that. So what I did is I just learned to initiate in a way that felt better for me. It wasn't necessarily doing the things that he did, but you know, that's when the text would start to come in or, our own little secret language, whatever. Find a way to initiate that feels good for you, where your partner is gonna know what you are saying.

Vicki: And I think too that, one of the saddest sentences that we hear from couples is, , we did have sex the other night, and then we looked at each other and said, God, why don't we do that more? Why don't we do that more? I mean, that's the, that is exactly right. It's, why don't we do it more, but we're not necessarily scheduling the time, communicating openly, telling each other what our needs and our desires are.

Like it's literally just that. Like, why don't we, and sometimes life just gets in the way. So I love this [00:14:00] segment in general because we're talking about how to square away that time so that we don't have to look back and go, gosh, we really probably could have made some more time for one another for intimacy in general.

Amber: Well, and your kids are only young for so long, right? And then all of a sudden it's just the two of you again.

Vicki: Exactly that.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah. You wake up and suddenly the kids are gone and your partner can be a stranger.

So you have to be maintaining consistently the intimacy throughout.

Coralie: Because, yeah, if

doing it right, they're gonna move out. 

Vicki: That's. 

Amber: your, your partner, the kids right.

Vicki: In my world.

Amber: All right. Number five, keep playfulness alive, and I think. is really, really important. The flirty text like we had mentioned throughout the day, inside jokes, private code words, like the laundry, like Coralie said, surprise love notes. This is probably one of my favorite things to do, is [00:15:00] just add a surprise love, love note somewhere.

One time I came home, I don't know where I was, but I came home to my office. I had about, I don't know, 10 or 20. Full pages plastered all over my office with nice things about me and my husband had just asked a bunch of people that I knew and loved and said like, what are some things that you would say about Amber that are really nice or whatever?

What do you like about, or whatever. And, and he added some of his own, but they were everywhere, all over my office when I came home one day.

Vicki: I love that so much.

Yes. 

Amber: little things like that means so much. And I still have them.

Vicki: Yeah. You know, I have, K Heart V on a garbage bag at the bottom of my garbage bin, and then we just keep putting a new garbage bag in. But every time you take that garbage bag out, there's a little love note for me every single time on this. Garbage bag that just lays at the bottom of this thing.

It's been there for a year and a half. Like, [00:16:00] where's it gonna go? Ridiculous.

But it's so cute. I've kept it there. It clearly meant something.

Coralie: Yeah, I get the surprise poems, I think I've

Amber: Aw.

Coralie: about before. But, and if you know my husband, he doesn't look like a poem guy, but, um, yeah, he, he is, he is. And they're just beautiful. They just love

Amber: No.

Coralie: not all the time, you know, maybe only a

Amber: Yeah,

Coralie: a year, but they're 

Amber: still, I think that's what makes them so much more special. Like you don't, you're not anticipating it, it just kind of happens,

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: not buying this thing about how men can quantify their feeling, insto feelings into words. They can, it may look different than you may have done it, but I think that, they live in a world where it's not necessarily always something that somebody would expect. And maybe I don't, not not shame, but maybe they feel a little shy about it, you know? but it's so impactful when it's received.

Coralie: Yeah. funny story, Chad was writing me a poem for [00:17:00] Valentine's Day and he was writing it at work, and he told me this after. He said he was sitting there writing it, and this guy that he worked with came up to him and asked him what he was doing, and he said, I'm writing a poem. Fuck off. I was like, you go, you know, let's break that toxic masculinity right there. Like, yes,

Amber: I love that.

Vicki: Oh man. That may be the best story of this episode. I love it.

Coralie: But

Amber: All right. At our tip number six, make bedroom time a priority even without sex. 

Vicki: Yes. 

Amber: know, create that bedroom routine that feels sexy, not being overrun by toys and laundry, right? So try to keep it a little clutter-free in your bedroom. think for me, like that's like the hugest thing is if I'm looking at a bunch of crap all over, I'm not getting into the zone, whether it be sex or any kind of intimacy.

 so non-sexual intimacy, like cuddling, giving each other massage [00:18:00] or just lying in bed and talking just. Talking about your day or what your goals are, your plans or whatever, just have that no kid zone for certain times at night.

Coralie: Yeah, I love that about the bedroom too, and I've been guilty of. That of having, you know, your house is clean, your bedroom's a piece of shit, your bedroom's perfect, your house is a mess. But, I really totally think that when your bedroom is just a, a welcoming, calming place, not even just for sex, but just for you to go sit in and chill by yourself and have that space, it's just a better vibe.

And another thing I, a rule I have in our room is there's no pictures of anyone except for us. I don't wanna be bone in and look up and see my kids like, no thanks. No, you, if you aren't in this relationship, you don't get a photo in my bedroom. My dogs Sure. I mean, I've

Amber: Dogs, 

Vicki: I also do not have pictures of my family in the

bedroom. At all. That's really interesting. I wonder if that's [00:19:00] curated or if it's

just something 

Coralie: you're like, Hmm, no. 

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: off.

Vicki: Yeah. Totally. 

Amber: seven. Use outsourcing to create alone time trade, babysitting nights with friends. Seriously, like if you have friends that have, kids trade those nights, I'm sure they need it to, um, utilize screen time strategically.

Seriously, on, obviously depending on the age of your child, this is a great way to, you know, either get things done or spend some time together they're zoned. Because I know, like my granddaughter, she's eight, she is zoned when she's watching her tablet. 

Vicki: Mm-hmm. 

Amber: yeah, or hire a babysitter.

If all else fails, you know, you don't have friends, family hire a babysitter. It's worth the money to have that couple hours of alone time or date night. I.

Vicki: I agree, and if you hire a babysitter, just hop in your car and go do it under dirt. That's fine.

Amber: Right. You don't even have to go far.

Coralie: [00:20:00] I have a confession to make when I read the utilizing screen time strategically. I totally thought it meant watch porn together,

Vicki: Also that. Also that.

Coralie: but you figure it out. Figure it out, you

Amber: and number eight, redefine what a romantic gesture looks like. Sometimes intimacy is doing the darn dishes being asked and oh my gosh, and don't go, did you see I did the dishes? So if there's a man listening,

if you're listening with your partner, stop doing that.

Coralie: Yeah. My husband used to do that, and so one day I just sent him a text like every two minutes of what I did all that day, day that day.

Vicki: Stop it.

Coralie: It totally did. I mean, and that's the thing is sometimes I think a lot of people are just doing things because this is what was modeled for them growing up, and it was in the relationships that they witnessed.

And it's not until you kind of flip the script on it, and he said to do it to me over some things too, but when you flip the script on it, you're like, oh yeah, okay.[00:21:00] 

Amber: Right. Yeah.

Coralie: that wasn't the best do.

Vicki: It is a little saucy. I like it.

Amber: Other things like small acts of service, bringing home your favorite coffee.

Vicki: I agree with you. I think that it's the little things. It's also the paying attention, to the little things I happen to know that there's a note section on my guys', phone with. The way I like my coffee from when we were first dating and he has this like whole to-do list of how Vicki likes things and yada yada.

To me, that little note on his phone, he's gonna listen to this and he is gonna be like, I had no idea it meant anything. It was so sweet to me that he cared enough to go, I need to learn this woman inside and out and I'm gonna make notes so I don't forget a thing. You know? And I don't know, it was just, it was funny.

My, my coffee's always right. I never have to. No, it's,

that's something that I thought that was pretty nice. I know, right. Stop.

Coralie: That's super sweet. And that goes into the emotional impact of being cared for [00:22:00] every single day. Right. 

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: circling back to what you said too, and what we started talking about is doing stuff without being asked. When someone just pays enough attention to know whether it's about you specifically or about what needs to be done in the house.

It just makes you feel like you're in more of a partnership you are just, delegating to everyone and being mom to everyone. No one feels sexy when they're mom to their husband.

Amber: No.

Coralie: You don't? Okay.

Amber: All right. Number nine, keep sex and intimacy fun, not a chore. So yes, like sometimes we have to schedule sex. It just gotta, it's just gotta be done.

Vicki: Yes.

Amber: but it's easy for sex to feel like another thing to do, like on your to-do list. So try and keep it fun. Try new things. Maybe add some massage lotion, maybe add some toys, whatever that might look like that you've never done or wanted to try.

little role play. something that's gonna make it a little more fun. Or [00:23:00] a location like you put the kids to bed, do it on the table, whatever. Just wash it later. It's fine.

Coralie: But I also wanted to add too, I think that, yeah, it's really great to have spontaneous sex, but scheduling sex. It's nice to have things to look forward to. Like when you schedule a vacation six months out, you're probably looking at something about that location every single day. You're probably putting something on your packing list every single day, or talking about it with someone every single day for six months until that vacation, you're thinking of it every single day. So I don't think it's a bad thing to have like. hump Day, Wednesdays. If you're looking at it as something to look forward to instead of a chore, then it can make it, it is just part of the foreplay.

Vicki: Yeah. 

Amber: that viewpoint. Looking at it as like, you know, something fun that's coming up. I love that.

Vicki: Yeah.

 and I live alone, so all of my sex is scheduled, 

Coralie: also too laughing together about [00:24:00] the absurdity of being interrupted. I mean, we talked about that at the beginning about how we've all been interrupted or had these moments. If you aren't laughing when you're, not necessarily when you're having sex, maybe sometimes, but if you're not laughing with that person. What's happening? Like you're naked, your bodies look funny. You probably made a weird noise, something funny happened.

Amber: You kicked the lamp. It fell over. The dog licked your balls. It's all good.

Coralie: or the cat their, um, rough tongues. Also not from experience. I don't have balls, wasn't my experience. 

Amber: Wow.

And number 10, give yourself permission to not be perfect at this. Intimacy comes in waves. Some seasons are harder than others. Um, so release the guilt around not enough sex or not enough [00:25:00] effort. And sometimes it's just quality over quantity. Let's be real. And sometimes it's quantity over quality. 'cause it ain't that good sometimes.

Vicki: Yeah, I mean, if you're under pressure moments, I mean sometimes it's literally just, let's get the job done, right? So.

Amber: Yeah. Like check.

Vicki: Yeah, yeah, totally fine. I think that we need to be giving ourselves some grace and our partners some grace, and recognize that of course, just like everything else that we've always talked about, everything, especially in relationships, it ebbs and it flows, and you're gonna have peak times and you're gonna have times, you're gonna have to work harder at it. Um, and you just have to embrace the fact that that's just how that journey looks. 

Coralie: Are average for a reason, 

Vicki: Yeah. 

Amber: Right. Yep.

Coralie: sometimes it's low, and you can't look at, you know, this week or this month, you kind of have to look at a bigger picture. And, because we do go through a lot and having young kids is one of the busiest times of your life, right?

When you have little kids, whether [00:26:00] you. our stay at home mom, whether you work at home, whether you work outside of the office, everyone is just busy, all the fricking time. so it's impossible to have a, we are gonna have sex every day, or we're gonna have sex five times a week, whatever it is, like to maintain that long term.

Vicki: Yeah, I

mean, sometimes it's just easier to masturbate. Like, let's just be real. You're pressured, you're stressed. You gotta just get one off. Take the edge off. Carry on. It's fine.

It's fine. Everyone's doing it.

but 

Coralie: kids.

Amber: Kids

Coralie: All the cool kids masturbate.

Amber: and your task for the week? This week just.

Vicki: that's

right. This is your homework. You're not safe for brunch, homework. Take the edge off friends. Take the edge

off. 

Coralie: If there's one thing I've learned, I think that we've all learned is that intimacy after kids takes effort, but it's definitely worth it. Even something as small as a hug in the kitchen can really keep that connection alive.

Vicki: I agree and remember that intimacy isn't [00:27:00] just about sex. A flirty text, a meaningful conversation, or even just prioritizing some time together can make a huge difference.

Amber: And at the end of the day, it's about making each other feel valued. Whether it's a nap time quickie, a late night cuddle, or just holding hands in the chaos, the small things really add up. 

Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts. And hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.

Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.