Episode 20: Is Watching Porn Cheating? How to Set Healthy Digital Boundaries

From sexting and porn to dating apps and TikTok therapists, the internet has completely reshaped how we explore sex, relationships, and intimacy. In this juicy episode of Not Safe for Brunch, we dive into the good, the bad, and the complicated realities of sex in the digital age.

We’re breaking down how tech influences our expectations, pleasure, boundaries, and communication—with a few laughs (and cringes) along the way. Whether you’re partnered, single, exploring, or just curious, this episode has something for everyone.

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Transcript

Coralie: [00:00:00] Swipe right. Ghosted matched again. Sent a nude. Regretted it got turned on.

Watched weird ass porn. Googled. Is this normal? This is sex in the digital age. 

Coralie: Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important, unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Coralie. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mama, two half empty nesting, one in one out, and my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. [00:01:00] I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

Amber: And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a gma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff, and I get to the point. 

Vicki: I love it. I am Vicki. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced, and I'm reentering the relationship space. I'm a mom to two grownups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationship, which of course creates trust.

Coralie: Has the internet made our sex lives better, worse, or just like glitchy?

Amber: I wanna say better, but at the same time, I'm like, has it though? we have so much at our fingertips, but at the same time, instead of exploring with your partner or exploring with yourself, you're like, how do I do this? You know what I mean? I.

Vicki: you're in research. You're in r and d all the time.

Coralie: I think both things can be true. You know, it can make it better, but also have problems.[00:02:00] 

Vicki: I think so too. And I mean, it's not like porn is new. It's just the delivery system now is just so quick and simple and so easy to access and I just think that that has made it and changed it a little bit, I think it's accessibility is what can create, a bigger problem around it maybe, for some people and some people are using it effectively.

 I think the thing too about on the internet is a paradox. Like it's always, vanilla or I didn't know that was a thing because there's everything, right? There's like the mild shit to the wild shit and in between and everything I think is, is like that.

Coralie: It's a paradox. Paradox.

Amber: , it gives you an option though, to explore and think, oh, I never knew that wasn't even a thing, like you said, and be like, oh, you wanna try that? Right.

Coralie: Lunar. Yeah.

Vicki: lunar. Just like lunar. [00:03:00] That's right.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: sure you go back to that episode friends, because that's a good, I have to agree. I think that what. I like is that you can come across an idea and then you can find so many ways to make it interesting or change it up or adjust it for your personality style or your relationship style.

So yeah, I use the internet freely.

Amber: Well, and it's not just porn. Like you could see something in porn and be like, whoa, what was that? And now you're on YouTube and you're getting a explanation on how to tie ropes and, there's all these different classes for this stuff.

So, I don't know. I think in a nutshell that, yeah I think it's a good thing, the internet 

Coralie: do you guys think it has, expanded our understanding of pleasure or distorted our expectations?

Vicki: I think it's done both. I think it's individual

it's subjective, right? So it really depends on the individual who is inhaling that information and what they decide to do with it. So again, I still think that there's some personal responsibility here. [00:04:00] That we need to engage in. but I do think that, again, it has expanded the idea behind stuff that used to be, something that people did but didn't talk about or thought about accessing, but had no idea how.

And now we've created a scenario where people can reach out and find what they're interested in and build on that.

Coralie: I love it when something goes viral, and all of a sudden people are messaging you and they're talking about things that they wouldn't talk about, like the grapefruit. 10 years ago, what's the new one? The gl Gluck 3000, that is. But when someone makes, and it's not necessarily even, you know, porn, but when someone makes a video that is educational, but in a very memorable way, it totally gets people talking and creates conversation. Like anything too much of anything not necessarily good. And when you are consuming too much porn or even just [00:05:00] anything like that, too much of it can create desensitization issues. and you don't wanna get your body into a habit of, in order to have an orgasm, I need a, B, C, D.

Vicki: Yes. All of that. it's really important to remember that our brain is our biggest sex organ, right? So what we're filling it with is definitely going to have some impact, on how our body responds and what we're doing around that. I think that our brain can get in the way, of a lot of things.

And I think same with drugs and alcohol and all of that can have such an effect on. erectile dysfunction or desensitization , or even wanting to engage. I mean, there's just all kinds of things that can happen just simply because

Coralie: Know your limit. Stay within it. 

Vicki: So let's talk about, we just said, how we utilize porn or how we utilize the internet, to roll it into our lives and our relationships. sometimes there can be some [00:06:00] shame around that as well. So if we're hiding the porn that we're watching or consuming. talking openly with a partner, about it.

And if you're alone, even just that what you're doing is okay and not feeling shame around it for whatever reason, maybe there's a story running through your head. I just think that's really important that we need to be, transparent because I think that how we consume and then how that affects us is gonna change based on our transparency.

Coralie: Yeah, I think it's something too that. if you're in a relationship, an important discussion to have with your partner because it's okay to have boundaries around it, but I also think you can't tell someone.. I mean, I guess when you're getting into a more addictive behavior, that's one thing.

But, . Having the conversation creates less shame around it. And some people have been raised with an incredibly shameful stance about pornography, and they just have this vision of what it is and what it can be and, having those conversations I love now that there's a lot of [00:07:00] great videos out there that are made for women.

You can tell, you know, there's some bad shit out there.

Vicki: There is, but there is, you're right, there are some really great sites that are geared to women.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: and I appreciate that because the typical images that sometimes, our male counter. Our parts can engage with, and that really kind of get them excited, isn't the same stuff. So I just think it's really important that we're diversifying across the, all the board, right?

We need to make sure that we have something for everyone. 

Coralie: Oh my gosh. Okay, let's talk dating apps. The good, the bad, the Ghosty. I mean, Vicki, you're our pro here. You got more experience than us.

Vicki: Goodness gracious, you guys. It's fucking horrible. That's it. The dating apps, they're not great. I think that it's a real hookup culture for sure. I. But here's the other part of this. I also think that, especially on the apps women, because that's the only perspective that I have, [00:08:00] I really think that I was the red flag when I was on the dating apps because I was selfish. Well, sit down, grab a tea. honestly, because I was so self assured. I went in knowing exactly what I needed, wanted. I hear women speak a lot about when they are on the apps and what that looks like and how men are speaking to them and how they're saying they want something casual.

Like you're 50 years old, you want something casual, you know, ready to settle down. And I literally am thinking to myself, no, I'm not. You know, so women are saying things about men. In public forums, on social media and I'm sitting back going, is that me? Is that me? And you know, and I think that men specifically are put in a really tough position where. If they're honest about what they want, you know, women are just shutting them down. And again, I think, you know, back to my age old story, which is communication. Tell people what you want. how can you get [00:09:00] the best out of this scenario?

And then find out what they need and want and how they can get the best outta that scenario, move forward. But, honestly there's just some really shady people that are using the apps. And of course you can also totally get. Catfished so easily done until you maybe have it done once or you really pay attention or you've really paid attention to other people who've been on the apps.

The apps are wild if you have a dating app. Scenario, an experience. Please share that with not safe for brunch, because I think this is an entire topic. I could talk about it all day. but again, this was part of my therapy, my whole reasoning for going on the apps.

 because I needed a good sampling of humans to try and decipher my own boundaries, right? So to try and figure that out.

Amber: I mean, apps, like you go back when you know you were meeting people at bars or wherever you're, there were shady people there too.

Vicki: It

Amber: It's just a little more accessible, [00:10:00] right?

Vicki: it's just a different location. Right.

Amber: Yeah. You just got a giant pool instead of like a bar. You know what I mean?

Vicki: 100%. 

Coralie: I feel like too, with online dating, I've been married since the last century, so haven't done it. But I've heard a lot of awful stories, but also too, in most of the couples that I've met in the last even 10 years, when I ask how they met it's the internet. So .

Vicki: Yeah, I agree. I'm not saying it's, not the avenue to try to take. I think it has its purpose I do think it gives you an opportunity to vet people really quickly.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: I just think that people going on the app, they need to know exactly what they're there for, what they will and will not accept in whatever style relationship they're looking for, and to move towards that and just. take out the people that don't fit what you're looking for. It's okay to want what we want. From either side, it's okay to want what we want. And I don't understand why people get butt hurt when someone's just like, yeah, I don't think this is gonna work. 

Amber: Why would you [00:11:00] wanna waste your time on somebody that doesn't want you, like, you know what I mean? Or. What you have to offer. Like really?

Vicki: Totally.

Amber: So you,

Vicki: whole 55 minute date thing, but we'll talk about that on another pod.

Amber: Do you think that having that easy access to people creates a deeper connection, or does it like have less cheaper kind of intimacy?

Vicki: um, for me because I knew exactly what I wanted and how quickly I was willing to move forward. I just didn't wanna waste any time. I don't wanna talk to you for six days on this app or six months on this app. if you don't wanna meet up, you don't have to meet up. We're gonna have a 55 minute meeting.

That's what I called them. I, I booked my meetings back to back. I think that it allowed us to create whatever was gonna be created in that moment, and it allowed us to go yes or no. And it wasn't just me. Like I sat in front of somebody once, it was just like, isn't gonna, and I'm like, yeah, I know.

I got you. Piece, you know, and it's okay, right? Like it doesn't have to be negative. It can literally be we don't fit. [00:12:00] Got it. And carry

kinda like speed dating Yeah,

Amber: Well, and I think that having that access to so many people, and especially like you said, knowing what you want, it can create that deeper connection.

Vicki: Yeah.

Amber: Like you just don't, Nope, nope, nope, nope. You don't have to have that crap intimacy. You can create deeper connection, especially if you know what you want and you say no to what you don't want.

Vicki: Totally. And now if you're just simply going in for a physical connection, then just find them attractive and go do the thing. No shame, no shame, but if you're looking to have a connection with somebody, that you may want to spend more time with, then yeah, then don't waste your time. I'll spend some time back in the day with somebody with a poor personality, but, hmm. If I don't plan on seeing you more than once, I don't really care. I'm just saying

Coralie: That's it.if you're working towards finding a relationship and you wanna make sure that you're not wasting your fricking time, be honest about what you want, what you don't want, and sure that whoever you're [00:13:00] dating, clear that that's what you expect from them. And if you notice, , your actions aren't aligning with your verbs. Evaluate.

Vicki: reevaluate. One of my favorite things that my therapist taught me was an argument is an approach to a better relationship. So when you are addressing disconnect. It's an approach to a better relationship. It's not an approach to an argument. It's not an approach to a fight. It's not an approach to get into it. It's literally to make us better. Right?

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: think that more people need to go into it like that and receive it that way, but not everybody's mature enough to, so

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: you just gotta out.

Coralie: Let's talk about the rise of the sex positive internet. we have out there, we've got therapists all over TikTok. I follow so many people who are therapists or even, doctors, gynecologists, all the things. All the things. so much that you can learn from just even being a voyeur on sex positive communities like in [00:14:00] Reddit or Facebook groups. There's a lot stuff out there.

Vicki: Absolutely.

Amber: there. I've been following, this. Sex therapist for a while, and she's just very open and positive and shares so much. I wish I could remember her name, you know when you see somebody on TikTok and you just stop, like, I signed up for her emails. I was, she like pulled me right in because she was sharing such great information and I loved it.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: that that's the positive part of. You know, the internet and sex, right?

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: That's a huge thing. And I think if anybody can find somebody that they can connect with a therapist, anybody who's really talking sex positivity, start following them. Start trying to see all their stuff.

'cause it really does help within your own relationship and your own thoughts about, sex and how you feel about stuff like that. So,

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: I think it's really opened up the buffet, right?

Amber: yeah.

Vicki: a scenario where we can pick and choose what we connect with, and then we can decide how [00:15:00] we incorporate that into our relationships. And I think that it also gives. People in general, a voice, and women, especially if we did or said something, it was, you know, frowned upon.

And now we can speak of it. And oftentimes you'll notice in those social media bits that does slide in with some negativity, boom, women are holding each other up like never before. Makes my heart so happy.

Coralie: Yeah, sometimes the comments are better than the original content.

Amber: Right. Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah. And I think too, like a lot of women then come into that space and go, oh, I felt that way, or I did that and this is what happened to me, or whatever that looks like. And I just think that it provides 'em an opportunity to feel seen and heard. I'm not the only one takes away the shame.

Now we're all being a lot more open. And then once you're in a thread where you see people holding one another up.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: bar.

Oh my gosh. All right. so let's talk a little bit about sexting [00:16:00] and, uh, consent and digital boundaries. Is talking about sex with another person cheating. I. Texting, video chatting. 

'cause I think that's a piece that a lot of people get stuck on in the relationships, and I think that those parameters and those boundaries, need to be set so that everyone is in understanding. Do you know what I mean?

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: I think conversations like that, I mean sexting, any intimacy conversation. I do think that's cheating.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: I do too. But I understand it's not like that for everyone. We've always

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: boundaries around that sort of stuff since we got together and I think that if you don't have those conversations, you're not going to know who it's a boundary for or be able to get onto the same page until a boundary's crossed.

And sometimes that can be really hard to come back from, because I think if you don't have trust. You don't really have a solid foundation in your relationship. and I'm not saying that [00:17:00] sexting or doing anything like that is breaking trust. It is. If you've had a conversation about it and you've said, that would be crossing the line for me, for you, whatever. So yeah, it would not fly in this relationship.

Vicki: I think Amber's right too. It's cheating maybe, but. Um, it's the, like you said, it's the conversation.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: has to be had. , and because it's so readily available,

what's that line look like? Where, where does it change from just having a conversation to it being something that is stimulating you mentally, emotionally, physically, in a way that is disruptive to your relationship. If that has not been a conversation, again, there are plenty of open relationships,

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Yeah. one thing that we've done in our relationship is if there's ever been a situation come up where it makes you go, Hmm, that's something that we haven't really faced before an issue. And I'm not saying anything big, like just minor things.

One of the things that we both do is [00:18:00] go well. It feels okay, but what if it was happening the other way around? You know, what if this person was saying this to my partner, and you just flip it and then you kind of can get on a better page on where your boundaries are and what you need to talk about more.

Because sometimes you think things are minor and they're,

Amber: That's a good point.

Coralie: you're like, oh. But if that was happening to me.

Vicki: Oh yeah.

Coralie: You know, I wouldn't like it, and suddenly it's like a light bulb moment for whoever, whoever needs it.

Vicki: and I mean, experience provides perspective,

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: somebody might be experiencing something and not necessarily think or feel like this is a thing or something to worry about, but not knowing how their partner would respond or react to that.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: about the internet and the digital world, and we're rolling it right back to have a conversation.

Amber: Right. 

Vicki: So what do you guys think about, the accessibility of, porn and alternative sites, et cetera? What do you think that impact is [00:19:00] on our teenagers? Thankfully, mine are grown, but we had to have conversations, there was lots of conversation around, something that I, I found that they were looking at and fantasy versus reality and, I just think that. It makes it even more important now to have really robust sex ed, which I don't think we have. and some really open and honest conversations between parents and kids, which I also don't necessarily think is super prevalent in all relationships. So, that makes me nervous for our young people 

Amber: It has an effect, but I don't think it's like this huge negative effect, it's a different world and they've grown up with it and they, that's all they know, You know what I mean?

we're all in it, and I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing.

Vicki: Yeah.

Amber: That's all I know.

Vicki: it print or is it digital?

Amber: Yeah. So.

Vicki: stole their dad's hustler? Not me.

Coralie: I

Amber: um,

Coralie: mine on the playground for $5.

Vicki: Oh, good for you.

Amber: [00:20:00] making money.

Coralie: Let's just say a parent. Let's cut out which parent.

Amber: There you go. So, I mean, the platform has changed, but I. The conversation still needs to be had regardless whether it was no internet or internet. Right,

Coralie: And I think if you have kids too, they're not gonna come up to you and be like, so I'm watching porn now. You know,

Amber: right, right. Right.

Coralie: are probably going to find out from an awkward moment. Or they might tell, like an aunt or an adult that would, feed you that information. But I think when that happens, and I don't say, if I say when, I think it's a really, if you haven't already had a conversation about self pleasure, that's a really great way to segue into that because the reason that they're watching it is because they're curious. I'm gonna bet that most of them, even personal in our, my generation, this age bracket, whatever, I think most people watched. Some form before they did anything themselves, and it was because they were curious or because they were [00:21:00] getting some form of pleasure around it. So I think that, you catch a kid watching porn, we're gonna have the old handy dandy talk.

Vicki: That's right. But again, that's the opener for the conversation.

Coralie: Absolutely.

Vicki: my kids and I, we had back to back conversations so that they didn't have to see my shock

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: and I didn't have to see their face while they were telling me something so incredibly intimate to them, that they were probably very afraid to share and afraid of being judged for, uh, the back-to-back conversation was a brilliant way to bridge that.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Or driving

Amber: Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah,

Coralie: gotta keep your eyes on the road. 

All right, so can the internet help us have better sex? Let's

Amber: I believe so. Yep. Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Who are all proponents,

Coralie: Yes.

Amber: There. I mean, there's just so many tools, right? There's different apps that you could get. tracking your libido. There's apps that you could have that where you put information in, your partner puts information in, let's say for like fantasy, whatever, and it only clicks [00:22:00] what you guys both like.

So like there's different things, right? Where you're like, oh, I didn't know that you would like that, but now let's try this. Right?

Vicki: That's really cool. Back in the day, we used to just have those like sex cards. I also think, there's lots of, toys out there for couples or singles or long distance couples where Bluetooth takes control so you can have a long distance relationship and you can still be connected, which I think is, is super cool. And I think that that really will bridge gaps for couples that have spent, years apart because one person's commuting, you know. Far and, uh, and only coming home every so often. I think that's pretty cool. 

Coralie: So the internet also can. Help us have better sex because we can use the tech to reconnect, like Vicki was talking about with the toys, but also all those little things we're learning to help us learn how to communicate better with our partner because you know, we always circle back to communication and something I heard many years ago that it just sticks in my head and [00:23:00] I. I try and remember this every time there's a communication mishap and I need to relearn, and that is that the communication happens when the message is received, not when you said it. So with a lot of the stuff that we're talking about, if you're watching that sort of content online, especially with the therapists and um, libido tracking and all that stuff, you can find ways to communicate it, to reconnect and maybe learn a new trick or two in the bedroom.

Vicki: love that and I think communication. Is sexy. So if you're communicating with me, I'm probably hot already. I'm just saying, I just think that that's the part that is so cool. So if tech can help us do that, or it opens a door or it opens a conversation,

Coralie: Mm-hmm. All right, one final question you guys. Where's the line between helpful and creepy? What is that boundary?

Amber: That depends are you sexting with the ai? That's creepy. You know what I mean? But if it's helping you in your relationship, okay. I think , that's subjective because [00:24:00] everybody's gonna find different things. Creepy. You know what I mean? So I don't know.

Vicki: I mean, I think that as long as you're not harming another human, you do, you man, really, whatever. I think that it's creepy if somebody involves somebody who doesn't want to be in that space. I think it's creepy when it's a dick pic out of nowhere. I think it's creepy when, it's not invited. That's to me. Where it becomes creepy. and I think that's important.

Coralie: that's what I was gonna say too, because you see that a lot, especially on TikTok, 

 when you said uninvited, that was exactly the word I was thinking, because anything uninvited is creepy.

Vicki: And don't start by, Hey, beautiful. I'm not

Coralie: Oh my God.

Amber: That message is staying and filtered.

Vicki: All right, brunch crew. It's your turn. Has the internet been a blessing or a curse in your sex life? Drop into our dms. Share your hot takes anonymously if you wish. And if this episode made you laugh or cringe or rethink [00:25:00] your search history, rate, review and share it with someone who still thinks sexting means typing with one hand. We'll see you next week.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts. And hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.

Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.