Episode 26: Understanding the Allure of MILF & DILF Culture: Confidence Over Cockiness

In this episode of 'Not Safe for Brunch', the hosts dive into an entertaining and insightful conversation about the archetypes of hot parents—MILFs and DILFs. They discuss the essence of being a MILF or a DILF beyond just appearances, highlighting attributes such as confidence, power, and emotional intelligence. The episode also explores the societal perceptions and double standards surrounding hot parents, the challenges of being in the sex toy industry, and personal anecdotes related to different hot parent archetypes. Join Coralie, Amber, and Vicki for an unapologetic and lively discussion about attractiveness in midlife, the importance of self-confidence, and the joy of rebelling against societal norms.

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Transcript

Coralie: [00:00:00] Okay, so full disclosure, we forgot to do a Mother's Day episode. We were just really busy being milks in the wild or just tired, really tired.

Amber: But don't worry. We're making it up to moms everywhere by doing a Father's Day episode. That's technically about both, because if we're talking about DILFS, you know damn well MILFs are coming with us.

Vicki: So, yeah, let's get one thing straight. Being a MILF or a DILF isn't about looks, it's about that power that says, I have snacks. And a bedtime routine for both of us.

Coralie: Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important, unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends [00:01:00] about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Coralie: Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Coralie. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mama, two half empty nesting, one in one out, and my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

Amber: And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a gma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff, and I get to the point. 

Vicki: I love it. I am Vicki. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced, and I'm reentering the relationship space. I'm a mom to two grownups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationship, which of course creates trust.

Coralie: [00:02:00] Okay, so let's talk about some of the hot parent archetypes. You know, there's. A bunch of different ones. We're gonna break 'em down, but I am curious if you guys have a favorite hot parent archetype, and have you ever been considered the hot parent?

Coralie: Doubtful.

Coralie: I was always, I was always the sex toy mom. So wherever that makes me fall.

Amber: Right, and like showing up in pajamas and messy, it just doesn't work. However, dad, all of my friends, everybody thought he was freaking hot and it pissed me so much. Yes.

Coralie: daughter's friends, not all of them, but they definitely have made some comments about her dad, my husband, and yeah, she hates it. We love it.

Vicki: Oh my God, that's great.

Coralie: yeah, being the sex [00:03:00] toy parent, I mean, I feel like, there were some times where I feel like I might've been considered the hot parent, but a guy who assumed that because of my job I am

Vicki: Right,

Vicki: right.

Coralie: that was not the case, I wasn't hot.

Vicki: There's definitely a lot of, probably suggestive thinking around what we have done for so many years as we were raising our families. And I think that that might have been detrimental to our overall, thought processes around who we were. I think we were probably more intimidating than we were Anything else?

Amber: Oh, absolutely.

Coralie: Unintentionally we're really nice.

Vicki: We, yeah. If you know us, you'd agree, but otherwise, yeah. Yeah. You know, the hot dads didn't really wanna talk to us 'cause their wives are gonna be mad. Like it was that stuff right.

Coralie: I actually had, , a funny situation. I had a mom [00:04:00] come up to me one day and she was like, do you. sex toys. And I said, yeah. And she's like, my husband is your FedEx driver, and he always wants to know what's in your box.

Vicki: That's great. My husband's your FedEx driver.

Coralie: Uh, let's talk about some of the different archetypes. So this first one here I thought was funny. A PTA president who a hundred percent runs a cult, like, you know, the women that lead the PTA. First of all, it takes a lot,

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: this is every PTA president, but you have to be so organized and so on top of stuff that I can see how, that sort of, uh, discipline. 

Vicki: Yep. 

Coralie: a turn on for a lot of people and automatically put you in a hot mom thing. And sometimes the PTA does kind of seem like a cult, and sometimes there's sales cults

Vicki: Wow.

Vicki: [00:05:00] I definitely saved a school once, so I don't know if I fall in this category at any place in my entire life. I can see that that power is powerful.

Vicki: It's sexy.

Vicki: Power. Powerful. Right? It's sexy and people, people are drawn to it. I get that. Totally. Yep.

Coralie: All right. Next one is the punk rock mom who swears in front of her kids and it's hot.

Amber: I mean, I was, I was no punk rock, but I swear like a trucker, so.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah. There was no filter, uh, Uhuh. Nope. Or not, but there was no.

Coralie: no, I agree. I mean. Kind of punk roots, but not really punk. But, I definitely know, I swear a lot. And, it was evident when my daughter was three, and so Cutely said, mommy, can I have some fucking cereal please? Like Oh,

Vicki: know, I feel like that's just enthusiasm for the cereal. It's fine.

Amber: She used it right.

Coralie: yeah.

Vicki: Yeah. [00:06:00] It was in context.

Coralie: But that kind of mom gets into that sort of MILF category because she is a rebel. You know? She's not following societal norms and

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: Right? When you see someone who's like, yeah, just 'cause everyone else is doing it. I don't need to do it. That's appealing. 'Cause it comes with confidence.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: confidence. Hot, sexy. Right.

Vicki: Agreed. Agreed. It's like saying no to doing the thing that the PTA president wants you to do.

Coralie: Right.

Coralie: Okay, let's go into a dad one. It is the whole, I used to be a hot mess and now I'm a DILF glow up. You know, we've seen those on the playground over the years where they're coming in, for a few months they're like in their pajama pants all the time.

Coralie: They just look ragged and then maybe they're unemployed. I don't know, maybe they lost their job and they're in there, you know? Finding themselves, era, but then suddenly they show up. They got a suit, they're dressed, they smell good again.

Vicki: That's so funny. I didn't experience that when my kids were young, but I'll tell you, these [00:07:00] men. Are having their glow up in their forties and fifties. Hell,

Vicki: what is happening? What is happening? I'm not seeing them in the school yard, but I mean, if my kids would have children soon, that'd be great.

Vicki: I'm spending no time in school yards. I'm just saying

Coralie: Oh yeah.

Amber: I'll just, I have a granddaughter. There's not much happening in.

Vicki: it. Check.

Coralie: And what about the, wine aunt? You know, everyone's got that fun aunt she's like drinking the wine. She's kind of the partier and she's gonna say the things and give you the things that your parents said no to. And she's always the hottest at the reunions or even family reunions, high school reunions, whatever.

Coralie: So always the hottest. And people call her a mil, even though she's. technically an A, I dunno.

Vicki: Too funny.

Vicki: Yeah, I think, I might fall in that. I don't have any, biological nieces and nephews, but, uh, I definitely have some that have chosen me. I don't think I'm the [00:08:00] hot aunt, but I do think that I am the one that shows up with a Togo mug.

Coralie: Well, I think the hot aunt too is, again, going back to that whole rebellion, we're expected to get married, have kids, do all these things. And so I think again, when someone, whether it's a man or a woman is living outside of societal norms, I think they just move up into the hot category. You know,

Vicki: I think so too. There's a draw. The rebel brings a crowd. That's it.

Coralie: Always has. Yeah. The dad bod, CEO, who just gave up, who was like, I'm out, why bother?

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: I don't need to do those sit up anymore.

Vicki: Mm-hmm. No, you don't, sir. No, you don't. You just leave that right there for me.

Coralie: But it can work sometimes, when you see someone kind of go through that growth change, right? If there's someone who was always doing that, always, making sure they're at the gym five hours a day, whatever it is. And, and I'm not saying that [00:09:00] that's stuff's not important, but when their priorities shift and you see how they're still healthy, whatever, but.

Vicki: Yeah, I'd rather you get your exercise at home. It's fine.

Vicki: Mow the lawn. I meant mow the lawn. What are you guys talking about?

Coralie: I have to tell you guys about a, DILF that used to be at my kid's school. And it was really funny because he was a teacher. I think it was, he was the gym teacher. And, every day, like a different teacher would be working the crosswalk. every Friday it was this one teacher I started noticing that every Friday. The moms just looked a little more put together.

Vicki: Oh, interesting.

Coralie: Yeah. It was just like, oh, so he's the DILF of this school. Okay. Got it. Got it. So,

Coralie: Yeah. But I think too, like being a male for being a dil, it doesn't mean you have to have young kids like.

Vicki: That's true.

Coralie: The first, MILF when MILF came onto, like the scene as far as I [00:10:00] remember anyways, I don't remember hearing it before anything but American Pie and Stiffler mom,

Coralie: Her kids were like late teens. So that was where it started. 

Vicki: It's definitely a little bit of a, Stacy's mom has got it going on. Feel

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: totally 

Coralie: All right. Yeah, if you guys have any archetypes that we missed, please shoot us a dm.

Vicki: Yeah,

Vicki: totally.

Amber: us which one you relate to the most.

Coralie: Yeah, absolutely. 

Amber: So being a hot parent isn't all flirtatious and fundraisers and filtered selfies. So does the compliment start to feel cursed? A little dark side to that MILF for DILF culture? Maybe there might be something to this.

Vicki: Yeah. Um, first of all, we had no filtered selfies in my day, just saying. But now, now we do, but I don't even use filters, so I'm like, oh, you get me. How you get me? That's it. But I think that there's something that's [00:11:00] attractive about that too, when people just are like, caution to the wind. Doesn't matter.

Vicki: Right.

Vicki: I like that. That's hot.

Coralie: Yeah,

Vicki: I

Coralie: agree. I don't have a

Vicki: right.

Coralie: Like I use them occasionally and sometimes, uh, TikTok has that one that's automatically on and I try to remember to turn it off. But, um, I think they're okay for, you know, some days I'm not feeling my best, like I'm gonna filter, but using a filter a hundred percent of the time, it's scary.

Coralie: 'cause then you see someone in person and you're like,

Amber: Who are you?

Vicki: Yeah, don't use it on dating sites, guys. Come on. I mean, I know that's the topic today, but please don't.

Coralie: yeah, I think that, it kind of feels like a compliment, but it does get cursed when it's just repetitive. You know, I don't have this hot mom situation here, but just being in the sex toy industry and all those assumptions, like any assumption that's over and over, this feels like a curse.

Vicki: Well, and people are either drawn to it or they're not.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Talking about our industry, talking about being a hot mom or not a hot mom. They're either like, talking behind your back or they're in the circle with you. Right. [00:12:00] So it, it's so divisive.

Vicki: It's not my favorite thing, like the idea of it right.

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: Well, and then you know, it kind of ties into this point we have here, which is MILFS get judged DILFS get applauded.

Vicki: Yes. Word.

Amber: Like

Vicki: Yeah.

Amber: it's true.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: It's true. A hundred

Vicki: Well, anything that women do that men also do, we are always vilified for it, right? So if we are sexually free, if we're outspoken, whatever that is, we're always vilified for it. And, but wait for it though. The men are gonna come at me for that one.

Vicki: Come on over.

Coralie: Uh, well, I mean, it circles right back too to talking about the dad bod. You know, it was always, oh, like a woman has a baby and she can't lose the weight and whatever. All this conversation about her body, and suddenly dad bod becomes a thing. Well, what. He didn't even have a baby. Like what's his excuse?

Coralie: You know what I mean? And I'm [00:13:00] not saying you need an excuse, but the double standard is not cool. Not cool at all.

Amber: Yeah. Or what about a compliment crisis when you're hit on by someone who wasn't alive for 911?

Coralie: I can tell you, okay.

Amber: it?

Coralie: Now I'm not a single lady, but I've got a 22-year-old son who goes to the bars. This man, young man gets hit on pretty consistently by women in our age group.

Vicki: Mm.

Coralie: is like, thank you, but no thank you.

Vicki: Right,

Vicki: right. That's what he's telling you?

Coralie: you know, and all that stuff. , But , yeah, like it, I think it's also the other way around.

Vicki: Oh, a hundred percent. It is. I'll tell you, when I, was, vocally single again, I was attracting very young men. I'm talking men my daughter's age, and I didn't know what to do with that. It was out of my realm of [00:14:00] understanding. And uh, you know, there's that little piece of me that was like, you should take that for a ride.

Vicki: And then there was another, another little piece of me that was just like,

Coralie: Oh my God. When that, um, Steve Irwin son came out with the underwear ad, that's the first time I truly felt like an inappropriate woman because I didn't know who it was. I was just like, oh, that's a very attractive guy. I didn't

Vicki: right.

Coralie: he was like my kids' age and that, like his dad felt like all of.

Vicki: Right Uhhuh. Yeah, so I definitely, it's for sure a thing. Absolutely. I think that, the young men that have absolutely approached me have definitely were around for nine 11. They might've been, we, they might've been a little, but, um, they'd know about it. But yeah, it's, to me, it's just wild.

Vicki: And I guess there's a piece of me that's like, what? And then there's another piece of me that's do you have mommy issues? What's your relationship like with your mom? I take care of no one. I am like, I don't, I [00:15:00] I can't quite figure out what the draw is. So if you are a, a younger man who likes older women.

Vicki: Hit us. 'cause I am so curious. So curious why.

Amber: feel like the draw would be experienced, like, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Vicki: Mm-hmm. Could be.

Amber: like that's, that would be the draw.

Vicki: That's,

Coralie: Mrs. Robinson type thing, there's always been this. Idea of the older woman, you know,

Vicki: yeah.

Coralie: of teaching the younger man how to do things, and then he becomes a love stallion and he goes and everywhere.

Vicki: If you're watching on YouTube, my face just said it all. I am teaching no one anything. Uh, you better come to the table with some skill and some understanding and be able to take direction. I'm all right with that. But if you're looking for an education mm-hmm. You need to go fail somewhere else for a while.

Vicki: Again, they're gonna come after me for that. I am making no friends today 

Amber: Now there [00:16:00] is this invisibility myth too, where society said we disappear, but we're selectively hot now.

Vicki: Yeah, well, look at women our age 20 years ago, our moms did not look like we look like in our age range right now. Right? Like, so I think that there was a feeling or a sense of like, we kind of knew what was coming, but then we just fought it all the way, I guess.

Vicki: So I do think that , we're just taking a different path. Maybe we're not giving in, I don't know, , maybe it's just literally that there was a different style or, a different benchmark that, that women were competing with, running towards, I don't know.

Coralie: I think back then too, um, well maybe even like more than 20 years ago, but like the eighties there was like short haircuts where all the rage. Right. And I think when you find a haircut that you really love when you're younger, especially when you're a younger woman, I. You hold onto that for a long time.

Coralie: And so, you know, in the sixties, like pixie cuts and all that stuff we're really in, and I think in [00:17:00] general the general consensus is that shorter hair ages you and longer hair doesn't. So I have to wonder if part of that is because they had these really cute shortcuts when they were younger and then became older and kept them 'cause they're super cute. But It just doesn't translate as well, you know, into aging

Vicki: and we've talked about this before, I think social media has an impact as well. There's so much out there. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but before my hair appointment, I'm on Pinterest. I wanna see all of the newest styles. I wanna see what might be. For me, you know, my stylist is super on top of that, maybe we're just more cognizant.

Vicki: I, I don't know.

Coralie: think another point too is that, it feels like, watching our moms go through this age in their life, there was this whole idea that when a woman hits like midlife, she's not as valuable, not as worthy, whatever. And I think a lot of times, because that was the message that women didn't maintain a sense of power, I [00:18:00] guess, as they were going through that.

Coralie: And I feel like it's totally changed now.

Amber: definitely changed

Coralie: Yeah. I think that in those times, as women got older, they always got smarter and got wiser, we didn't have the safe space to be like, yeah, I don't have to do what society, you know? It just gets safer the, the more time goes on to do your own thing.

Amber: Well, and the next point is what happens when your hot era ends? Do you just parent? Well, dude, I think they're already gone and your hot era is still happening,

Vicki: I love that,

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: right?

Coralie: I think people, everyone gets hotter when they get older.

Vicki: Why?

Coralie: think when you're young, you are beautiful and cute. You know, someone in their twenties, I mean even thirties, they look very cute and they can look hot. I'm not saying that they can't, but to me, and maybe it's 'cause I'm 50 now, but I think that everyone gets hotter the older they get.

Vicki: Yeah, I think that that's notable. I think that if we look out into the world, we naturally see, people taking [00:19:00] different. Care of themselves, better care of themselves, taking themselves into that next era post kids, doing their own thing. And I also think that there's so many, empty nest or divorces that happen too.

Vicki: So then you've got this entire group of people who are putting themselves back into the pool and wanna make sure that they're looking their best. So I think that also probably is a factor.

Coralie: mm-hmm. And feeling their best because when you put effort into making sure you look good,

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: like, or whatever makes you feel good, right? You're always gonna walk 

Vicki: even people who are in long-term relationships, once the children are gone, you have more time to focus on yourself. You have the resources, you have the energy. Again, you, you can kind of put some of that back onto yourself. And, uh, people will judge us all day long and I just don't care if that's where I wanna put my time and energy, that's where I'm gonna put it.

Vicki: Period.

Vicki: All right. So what does being hot in midlife actually mean to you now? So, I mean, for me it's emotional intelligence. I saw a meme today or on TikTok or something, I don't [00:20:00] know what it was, but it was basically, one guy yelling and screaming and then it stitched to someone just sort of sitting back like this, and the caption was, this is how I used to.

Vicki: Fight with people, and this is how I fight with people now. And that, again, that's just, that's age. We just get to this place in our lives where I'm too smart to fight with you. I don't care enough about whatever it is that you're angry about, to give you that much power and energy for me, and I just think that's hot.

Coralie: Yeah, 

Vicki: I'll take an emotional, intelligent, person over a six pack or somebody who is trying to aesthetically please me. I honestly, I don't care. I so much what your body looks like. I care way more about how smart you are about whatever it is we're doing. Yep.

Vicki: Show me somebody who is in control of themselves. Now I'm hot.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: so somebody who knows what they want and they don't wanna apologize for [00:21:00] it, how about that?

Amber: A hundred percent.

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: percent and make the damn decisions. I'm all over it.

Vicki: The decision fatigue is real. It's, it's, it's a real thing.

Coralie: Yeah. I think I've made all of the decisions I can make in life. Like I think I'm tapped out. I

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: can't make anymore.

Vicki: No. And we have to refuel, right? And I'm not that person who thinks that the other person should be making all of the decisions. I just think that they need to make some, just make one, just make a decision, right? Just don't ask me. I don't, I don't care where we eat. 

Coralie: And I think too, the older we get, the more we don't care, to say, yeah, I don't want that. I want this. You know, and we don't apologize for it at all. Because you're just so, you're like, yeah, I've done things like as moms as as women. We've done things that we don't necessarily want to do because we are prioritizing our kids or are really whatever, and. nice to get to the point [00:22:00] where you can finally prioritize yourself and then I find for myself anyways, I just realize how much I was like, yeah, you know, I did things that, that I didn't like to do, like didn't want to do necessarily. Like meat and potatoes every night. You know, I liked it when our kids were small.

Coralie: Now I want girl dinner every night and I'm not for it. I don't, I don't that up last.

Vicki: Yes. Yes it did. Yeah, I agree. I don't live with anybody. I literally eat girl dinner whenever I want. The second I can put a little salty meat and cheese on a platter with a, an olive, I'm in it. So for me, I just, yeah, I agree.

Vicki: I'm not making sacrifices for any other human being anymore, but myself and. I'm cool with that. And whether that's hot or not doesn't matter to me, but if somebody else does it to me that's attractive. You're living your life, go do that thing. That's great. I love that.

Coralie: I think also too, with this line, it just makes me think [00:23:00] of going back onto the dating scene and going into the apps, you

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: because you knew what you want, I.

Vicki: Right.

Coralie: It was easier for you. You know, and I think for a lot of us, it can be hard to know what you want. I, I didn't know what I wanted for a long time about things, and the only way I could figure it out is still my go-to is what do I not want? figure, because I know that I can tell you what I don't want. I don't want that olive on your plate. I don't want that, but I'll. But um, yeah, I think as you get older you kind of realize what you do want more, it becomes more solidified, you know?

Vicki: It does. And I think too, when you're in a partnership, as you two are like, you really get to sort of navigate that. And, um, if you've got a partner who's willing to grow with you and adjust and modify and let you blossom into the new version of yourself and you're doing the same for them, well, there's something hot.

Vicki: You wanna talk to me about that? That's hot. Super hot, [00:24:00] right? So that kind of takes us over to, you know, being hot equals confidence, clarity, and having a good budget for lube, right? Like, let's be real. Don't come to me if you're not willing to use it.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Um

Coralie: nothing hotter than confidence

Vicki: mm.

Coralie: than determination, than knowing what you want and going after it. But I think a lot of people get confidence and cockiness mixed up a lot of. Men in particular will think being cocky is what makes them hot. No. That means you have an ego or you're ins like you're insecure.

Coralie: Cockiness is insecurity, is security.

Vicki: That goes right back into the conversation we just had about when women do something. Versus when men do something. So when women are overconfident, what are we called? Right?

Coralie: Bitches.

Vicki: Yeah. Every time.

Vicki: Yeah. And when a man is overconfident, um, oftentimes that. Is looked upon [00:25:00] as being strength and other positive statements around that confidence.

Vicki: But it is oftentimes cockiness and as women, we often receive it that way, but other men receive men in that way, as confident, right? So that's where this shit falls apart guys, if we're not emotionally intelligent enough to figure it out. And I think, that's important to note.

Coralie: I think, you're right about the other men viewing it as confidence, but I think the confident secure men know it's cockiness, but a lot of cocky guys out there, so they see this guy being cocky and they think, oh, he's so cool and confident, and then they start acting like, anyways, stay away from the chicken coop.

Coralie: Okay.

Coralie: Alright, well some final tips here. First of all, no, you're not too late. You're right on time. and Ds, the glow up hits different. It doesn't always hit at the same time. It's not usually in the newborn stage. It happens a little later.

Amber: Yeah, and confidence is hotter than abs [00:26:00] Know what you like. Say it out loud.

Vicki: And being a MILF or a DILF isn't about who's watching. It's about how you feel walking into that room.

Coralie: So whether you're a milf, a dilf, or just someone in recovery from the school year, you are hot in ways that cannot be captured by thirst traps alone.

Amber: Yep. And you've got experience opinions. A drawer full of expired multivitamins, and somehow you're still pulling.

Vicki: Sure. And you know, we miss Mother's Day, but honestly, this episode is a twofer. Consider it the sexy, unhinged gift you didn't know that you needed for both holidays.

Coralie: Send it to your spouse, send it to your favorite divorce dad, or the wine aunt who's still the hottest at the all the reunions.

Amber: And if you've got a favorite celeb, MILF or DILF, slide into our dms. We want names, points if they're weirdly inspirational and a little [00:27:00] unhinged.

Vicki: And don't forget to follow rate and share the episode with someone who deserves to know that they still have big snack energy.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts. And hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.

Amber: Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.