Episode: 29 - Living Apart Together: Exploring the Modern Relationship Dynamic

Join Coralie, Amber, and Vicki in this episode of 'Taboo Talk Not Safe for Brunch' as they dive deep into the concept of Living Apart Together (LAT). Discussing their personal experiences and the dynamics of cohabitation versus living apart, the trio brings unfiltered insights into maintaining intimacy, emotional connection, and financial independence while living separately. With humorous anecdotes and a touch of wisdom, they explore whether LAT is a relationship saver or simply a way to avoid commitment. Discover how different lifestyles can shape relationships and how to keep love alive, whether you're sharing a bed, a mortgage, or just quality time.

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Transcript

Vicki: [00:00:00] Okay. Real talk is living together, actually messing with your relationship because I've been there. I've done that. Listen, ladies, I left the cohab life with my sanity, barely intact. 

Amber: And I mean, I'm still in the thick of it. Long term sharing bills, shared bed, shared laundry pile. No, I, I separated the laundry and somehow we're still in love.

Amber: And that might be why

Coralie: we don't do each other's laundry. That might be why we're still together. But I'm somewhere in between living with my partner, but always clinging to my personal space, like it's a lifeline. These girls know. Our group chat, but today we're driving into lat living apart together, and whether it's a relationship saver or just a cute way to avoid commitment, 

Vicki: oh, I feel attacked.

Vicki: Get comfy because this conversation might have you rethinking that toothbrush in your partner's [00:01:00] bathroom.

Coralie: Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important, unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Coralie: Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Coralie. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mama, two half empty nesting, one in one out, and my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

Amber: And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a [00:02:00] gma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff, and I get to the point. 

Vicki: I love it. I am Vicki. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced, and I'm reentering the relationship space. I'm a mom to two grownups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationship, which of course creates trust.

Vicki: WTF is LAT. What is it? Living apart together. So you're together, but you don't live together like permanently. And I know that's for a lot of new couples, but permanently.

Vicki: Intentionally no less.

Coralie: yeah. Wow. So modern. I love it.

Vicki: Well, I think, I feel like I'm doing this. I'm definitely in a committed relationship. We have never had a conversation about living together about what that might look like. He's very happy in his space. I'm very happy in my space. [00:03:00] Um, we, you know, kind of intermingle periodically, in each other's spaces and then we break and, I don't know, I think it works.

Coralie: I can totally see how it would work.

Vicki: Yeah,

Coralie: Like, I can't imagine, you know, long-term relationship here and I can't imagine having to learn someone else's hairballs. That's what I call them. Hairballs. The things about your partner, like my kids are in your relationships. I'm always like, have you found their hairball yet?

Coralie: Because you don't know, unless you know what their hairball is. Right?

Vicki: You asked me if I'd found the hairball.

Coralie: I did. I was like, do you know what the hairball is? Because everyone has a hairball. You just have to decide if you're okay with that hairball or if that hair ball's too much for you. But if you don't live together, you can have alls.

Vicki: Well, because you're only dipping into the hairball periodically, and then you're no longer amongst it. Right. I love the undertone of this conversation.

Amber: [00:04:00] Wow.

Vicki: Too funny, but you're right, there is, um, there's always gonna be something and I really can't think of something that really bothers me. But again, is that simply because we don't COHABBBB?

Amber: I feel like long-term partners who live together can still kind of do this, and I only say that because I have an aunt and uncle who did this, especially in the summertime. So he spent all of his time at their cottage, and she spent all of her time at home and they met up on the weekends.

Vicki: love that. You know, we've had a few listeners that did message me, and gave me some feedback on exactly that, where, you know, one partner works away, maybe it's a four on, four off, or a four month, four month, or whatever that looks like. But they've found a way to navigate, where they only live together for periods of time,

Coralie: Yeah, and I think too, the beauty of that. One thing I notice, 'cause my husband and I, we met eight years before we started dating. We always had feelings. Never, got deeper. [00:05:00] We lived far apart, whatever. We all had our own lives. But one thing that I said once we got into this life of family and kids and all that was that I missed missing him.

Coralie: You know, it was such a huge part of our relationship for so long that it's exciting to not be together because then you have that anticipation again that you might not have had for a long time. So I don't think it's a commitment phobic thing.

Coralie: I think it's more kind of knowing yourself, you know? You know that I. I don't know if I'm ready for that or I still wanna be independent for a while, and I can definitely see how someone would want that after being in a long-term relationship.

Amber: Somebody might not ever be ready for that and not, not that they're not ready, they just don't want it,

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: and I think that's okay.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. I just wanna know, like, are is, are all these people making like KU bucks because splitting the bills is really nice.

Vicki: Well, I wonder how many people are really in the years of where their careers have taken off and they're doing the thing and they've got their own shit [00:06:00] managed. Right. So I agree. There is a draw to the idea behind splitting bills, but I also don't wanna split half of somebody else's shit either.

Vicki: Like my mine's enough. And I manage it just fine and I don't require any help. And my investments are my investments and my expenses are my expenses. And I like that. I'm not sharing that again, I don't see that. And again, I say that like it's definitive now. I don't know what five years brings.

Vicki: Right. But I do know probably what the next year brings. Right. I'm pretty clear on that.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: I don't know.

Coralie: Yeah. So I didn't know until we started talking about this episode that this is pretty normalized in Europe. What, like especially among older adults and queer people. What can you tell me about that, Vicki? I.

Vicki: Well, again, as somebody who has been married, has been COHABBBB, we were talking about it as well when we were sort of creating all of this about how I've never lived alone before. In my [00:07:00] life. This is my era of living alone. I have been living alone, for two and a half years, and I don't hate it.

Vicki: There's so much around that. Now does that maybe was my COHABBBBbit of experience not ideal? And that's what makes this so much better for me. Maybe, um, is it just the fact that I. Desired and decided to lean into the idea of living alone together and that I'm comfortable with that.

Vicki: Maybe. I don't know. I mean, I probably need more therapy on it. It's where I am. but I think it makes sense and I think that especially for some people financially, to keep things separate. Especially when you are at this stage in your life where you have money saved, where the law will split that again, if I'm not in a position to be able to split that again, I can't do it.

Vicki: So, there, there would be COHABBBB agreements [00:08:00] of the wahoo and is it worth it? I don't know. I mean, just come over and hang for a day or two and, and then leave like.

Coralie: naked for a couple days and then get outta here.

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah. Like, I mean, and it's fine because we all have our own lives and we're all doing our own thing. And I think that especially as we get older, we have different friendship circles and, i'm never bored. I know when my guy's gonna come over and hang, and I know when he is probably gonna go.

Vicki: And if he stays longer, great, and if he it doesn't matter, then come and be a part of this other part of my life. But, I don't do a lot of revolving my life around, our schedules. You know, it happens when it happens and that's great. I like it.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. It's perfect.

Vicki: I think so.

Coralie: This listener messaged us and said, we've done the COHABBBB thing, but now we're building something intentional because we are getting 48 hours of connection instead of 24 7 confusion. And when [00:09:00] I read that, it really made me go, oh, because like, yeah, I live with my husband.

Coralie: Sometimes we'll be here together for, you know, five or six days without really connecting. 'cause he's busy. I'm busy and it's not a, there's something wrong with us, but we're just kind of in our routines and doing our own thing and.

Coralie: If one thing you know about me, I'd really like to do my own thing sometimes. I'm very, I like to be a little independent, Enneagram four here, and so it really made me go, oh, I can totally see that and understand that because yeah, like I would bet that if you're looking at certain weeks or months or whatever, you and your partner who don't live together probably connected more than me and mine who saw each other every day.

Coralie: 'cause

Amber: A hundred percent. There are so many nights where we're, you know, in the same room and we're not

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: four hours.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Vicki: I remember reading once something about how men like that shoulder to shoulder. Connection. They want to sit next to us and watch [00:10:00] tv. They want us to sit in the garage with them while they do the things. I don't mind doing that. But I want to make sure that the time that I spend is intentional and then you can go and fix something.

Vicki: I, you know what I mean? I love the time that we spend, and I really connect with this comment because this is literally my life. I remember feeling so torn and. Another thing that I remembered when I was in a COHABBBBbit of relationship was that there was so much emphasis on what was being done and who was doing it.

Vicki: And there was way more emphasis on that than the actual connection time. And , I was guilty as well. So I think that. I think that when you don't live together and then you come together, you are recognizing that that time is dedicated for you to build on inside your relationship, whatever that needs to look like, whether you are married or COHABBBBbiting or living apart together,

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: think it can be.

Amber: is lat about intimacy then, or is it just a smart avoidance? [00:11:00] I feel like it could be both. It depends on the couple and the person and, you know.

Vicki: I am nodding emphatically here. Again, my opinion I is that it's about both. You're right, Amber. It puts you in a position of knowing that the next 24 to 48 hours is the what you get out of this week. So you make sure to make the most of that time together. I. Intimacy included. Um, but we also cook together and we watch TV together.

Vicki: You know, sometimes we have a particular series that we don't watch until we are together. So some of the same things I did when I co rehabbed previously, but, there's just a real respect around it. And. I also think it's a little bit of smart avoidance because, again, I think that there are just some things that I'm, controlling about in this space of my life, and I think that other people are as well, and I think that that gives them that opportunity to go, this is where I, I get to give and take, and then I get to go home and I get to, you know.[00:12:00] 

Vicki: Do the things or do nothing and not feel like I have to be in this performative place where sometimes when we're together, it's just like, well, he did all of these things and now I have to make sure that I'm also working hard to make sure that we're maintaining this lifestyle. I hated that. Hated that.

Vicki: That was the, that was the worst part about COHABBBBbiting for me, was that I constantly felt exhausted from the million things I was doing, and I'm sure he felt the same, but neither of us was. Expressing to one another that we needed to just stop doing the things. I don't think that's healthy.

Vicki: So. Lat is sexy in theory and even better in practice according to me.

Amber: I mean, I love closeness, but I get the appeal of having separate spaces.

Coralie: Yeah, I'm just kind of curious. Yeah. Is lat like therapy approved for people with boundaries in bank accounts?

Vicki: If not, it should be. [00:13:00] Uh, I'm a firm that there is no. Next natural progression. There is no next thing that should happen. I think that it really is dependent because I know lots of women, I know, we all do know lots of people in this age range, that are post-divorce, or otherwise, and they are choosing to COHABBBB again.

Vicki: And I think that it's just right for some people. I also think that men, and I have this on pretty good authority, at least from men in my life, is that men often not always need someone to complete The circle, the thing, and women don't typically. I find that that's another place where that the masculine and the feminine requires something different.

Vicki: I don't need anybody to complete me. I need somebody to compliment me. I need somebody to compliment my life, um, to spend time with and enjoy, but not to [00:14:00] complete. And I don't know that that's, I mean, ladies, if you're out there and you're like, Vicki, you're outta your mind. Hit me. Tell me all the things. I wanna hear it.

Amber: So, I mean, can we dive into the COHAB part because we're talking like this, you know, living apart together versus COHAB, right? But there's nothing wrong with cohabing. It all depends on really what you want, where you're at in your life. And, um, maybe if you are co habing, maybe I'm, maybe I'm gonna go to the cottage for the summer.

Vicki: Right. You have that

Amber: Maybe I'll be like, honey, you stay here for the week. I'll see you on the weekend. I'm kind of thinking maybe I might plan something like that.

Vicki: I think, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and I think a lot of people actually do that, especially when you have one person who has a little bit more freedom of time and energy when it comes to their work schedules and things like that. But let's talk about, you know, what makes CO having it exhausting.

Vicki: Um, I think I hit on a few things, but we're talking about, , sharing a bathroom and, having. their [00:15:00] things in your things and, postmenopausal, I'm hot, and they're turning down the thermostat. And let's also talk about a loss of peace. Like for me, , I like my own company, if you will.

Amber: I feel like you could be in a COHAB relationship though and still have your own company like I.

Vicki: two wash.

Amber: Yeah, but I mean, I go out on my own often. I volunteer on my own. I do different things with friends without my spouse, so I feel like you could still have that personal time when you're cohabbing.

Coralie: Um, my husband works night shift. He goes back and forth days and nights. I love night shift.

Vicki: Mm.

Coralie: Because I get all that time, I get the bed to myself. And it's not that I don't love him. He knows, he knows that I love look forward to night shift so that I can like starfish and do my own thing. And yeah, I definitely feel like I do get, enough alone time. 

Amber: Has to do with what stage of life you're in.

Coralie: [00:16:00] Oh yeah, for sure.

Amber: Like, 'cause when you have little kids, you are, you're cohabbing, you're doing the things, you're not getting time for yourself,

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: you know, so it makes it a little bit difficult when your kids are gone or grown. It, it's so different.

Amber: So it really depends on the stage of life that you're in. And maybe this, you know, living apart together thing might not be practical if you're having kids together.

Coralie: Yeah, definitely. I think that would be really hard with kids and I think it would be really confusing for the kids. I mean, anything can be explained, but it would be different in the way that, . If they talked about it at school, like people might get assumptions. It actually makes me think like, wow, this must be what, like kids of L-G-B-T-Q or whatever might feel like if there's, like, they have some sort of different family, so it's not like it's necessarily wrong.

Coralie: It's just so unique to think about someone doing that with kids, with kids.

Vicki: I think it's hard to explain it through as [00:17:00] well. Like it's, it's, it would be really hard for somebody to understand it, who's never, , considered it or, is in a really healthy space with their partnership where it just makes sense that, you know, they do the things. Like, I, I get that, I get that it is out of this world a little bit.

Vicki: I think that it's. Great to be able to COHAB and to be able to kind of do the dance together. 'cause I think that's what's required. I just think that if that doesn't work, this is a great option.

Amber: I love though, having the opportunity for like, if I am only at 20%, he could step in at 80 and we're always together. So then sometimes I'm at 80 and he's at 20, or sometimes we're coming in closer to 50 50. So the, that part of COHAB and that part of the routine and stuff, that is kind of my jam.

Vicki: Yeah, and that comes with a really healthy relationship.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I wanna circle back to something said, because I had a. I just wanna know your guys' opinion on [00:18:00] this or what you think about this. So when you said that, um, you know, men are generally looking for someone to like complete them, you know, and like work together to do all the things or raise a kid, whatever, um, and that women generally don't need that.

Coralie: I was thinking in my experience of the women I've met throughout my life, I would agree to a point I think that when a woman is still. If a woman is still insecure, maybe she was raised in trauma, had trauma, whatever, she's in a, she's insecure and not confident in herself, then. I feel like she's gonna feel like she needs a man more or a partner more.

Coralie: Right? Whereas once you kind of live your life enough or have enough therapy or whatever to realize like, you are the shit and you can do all the things that, that's when you're like, yeah, no, I need someone to compliment me. Not, someone to complete me.

Coralie: And so it just made me wonder. I wonder if there's something like that for guys, like if they have like a, a [00:19:00] preference when they're in a more confident versus less confident place. I wonder if it kind of goes like that. Do you, have you guys seen that in your experiences with talking to other people?

Amber: I have, so I do have a man in my life who's recently, um, divorced, got his own place and he has. Very much expressed that he wants to stay alone in his own space and do his own things and have his own hobbies, but have some fun on the side. And I.

Coralie: I don't.

Vicki: No, I mean, if you have been in a space where you did not have autonomy of your time and your energy, it's exactly that. So I don't know that it's just a lack of confidence I think that there's just so many layers to this Coralie. You're right, it's, it's a matter of what has that person experienced that has made lats seem reasonable, right.

Amber: I don't think it's a gender thing. Okay. Yeah, I don't [00:20:00] necessarily think, 'cause I think a lot of women want that, you know, other person to complete them and men both ways. But I don't think it's a gender thing at all.

Coralie: Yeah, so interest, like, I just think humans are so fascinating. You know? Like, I don't think there's one wrong or one, right? I think that the beauty in is just learning and, and hearing about others' experiences and stuff, like listen to someone else's story. It just, it could change your life.

Vicki: Listen, the three of us together are all living such different lives, so we bring this to each other and then we, we confidently listen to somebody else's perspective and go, okay, yeah, I can see that. Yeah.

Coralie: I love when I'm talking to someone and they're coming from a different place or they have a different viewpoint and they make me like think about something in a completely new path. I feel like. I can feel the evolution happening in those moments. It's beautiful.

Vicki: Yeah. A hundred percent, but with , the LAT versus the cohabitation, I mean, there might be the little [00:21:00] things too that happen throughout your life. Like, it could just be as simple as the way they make the bed. Well, I don't care if he makes the bed before he leaves, I'm happy. Like, it doesn't matter.

Vicki: I can fix the pillows, I can make it look nice when he is gone, or I can just leave it because at least he did it, you know what I mean? Whereas, some people will lose their mind if it's not done a particular way. Um, what I find about. co habing and doing the lap thing is that it just doesn't matter.

Vicki: There is nothing that he can do in the short term that's gonna irritate me because I don't care if you leave the seat up or put it down. It doesn't matter to me. We're not fighting about it. Like, there's nothing to fight about when you're in this situation. I

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: clearly, I need more therapy.

Coralie: all do, and if you're listening, you do too.

Vicki: We all do. Everyone needs therapy

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: too. Funny. So let's talk a little bit about some topics and then you know, what it's like in the living alone together thing [00:22:00] and, and versus the cohab.

Vicki: So our sex lives. how could that differ? Right. So maybe with living alone together, you know, things are fresh, exciting, intentional, because you're literally scheduling time, when you're together. The cohab, well, maybe sometimes it's spontaneous and sometimes it's just nap time, right? I mean, I like nap dates, but, we have to take advantage of the time that we have together because we know it could be another, you know, week or two.

Vicki: I don't know. It

Amber: Well, sometimes though, in a cohab relationship, like you're just into your routine so much, you're scheduling it

Vicki: of course. That's

Amber: it happens.

Vicki: Scheduling is important. I think that we don't put enough emphasis on that, and I think that we expect so much outta spontaneity, and I think it's a, it's a bullshit construct, just

Coralie: I totally agree.

Amber: I don't know if it was on here, we were talking about it or somewhere else that I heard about it. And this goes with a cohab relationship. When you're scheduling day night, have sex before you go out,

Vicki: Yes,

Amber: and then [00:23:00] you're not tired, like you're tired when you come home, you're like, oh, nevermind.

Amber: We'll just skip it. Fuck that. Have sex before you leave your house. Go have fun. Come home, go to bed.

Vicki: Amber, that is for the

Amber: I don't know where I heard it, but it was the most fabulous thing I ever heard.

Vicki: Yes. I.

Coralie: I, I mean that gets rid of a lot of the pressure. You're going out with the glow and talking about the scheduling. You know, when you book a vacation, you are looking, you book something six months out, you have a countdown on your phone.

Coralie: You are making little packing lists. You're researching where you're gonna go, what you're gonna do. The anticipation is so exciting. And so when people are like, I don't wanna schedule sex, it has to be spontaneous, well. I, if I wanted it spontaneously, I would get laid half as often, probably even less. And we, it's not like we go every Wednesday at eight o'clock.

Coralie: It's like, Hey, you doing something at four? You do. You know what I mean? Like, or if it's a couple days apart, be like, Hey, Saturday, you know, whatever. [00:24:00] Like it doesn't have to be this every Wednesday, we blah, blah, blah. It can be this random thing, but it makes it more exciting. And then you start sending sexy texts back and forth, and I'm gonna do this, or I'm gonna do this to you.

Vicki: Put it in the family calendar. Leave the

Coralie: Family calendar.

Vicki: the kids out. Listen,

Amber: If you, if you have a code likes is laundry. Right? Put a little in the.

Vicki: yes. That also makes it kind of secret sexy. Why are doing laundry every

Coralie: know what laundry now they learned.

Vicki: So sometimes we're afraid of sort of losing our own identity and who we are. And I think that there's a little bit of that where I come from right now, right? Because I'm rebuilding my life and I wanna make sure that I have that. I think that can be something too that can be an argument for LAT as opposed to cohab.

Vicki: But again, I think in a healthy relationship the couple's gonna figure that out. 

Coralie: Yeah, it's really interesting [00:25:00] because when you're in like that long-term space, I. Sometimes when we were younger, we couldn't afford to have, we just didn't have the space for four dressers. 'cause we each needed to, you know, so you compromise. But then what's nice is that when you get older and, you know, say your kids move out and you're kind of starting to live your own life again, instead of making them the priority and you have more flexibility.

Coralie: Yeah, I'm just gonna buy another dresser. I don't care. I don't need to share with you. Like for us it was the blankets. We always had one big blanket. And five years ago I was like, why? I hate sharing a blanket with this man. So we do have one shared one, but we also have our own separate ones too.

Coralie: And it's just like, you do get to that place where you can just go, you know what, I'm just gonna do what I want. And you're happy together. You can still do what? Do what you want.

Vicki: Yeah, I love that.

Vicki: All right. This is one of my favorite topics finances. It is more expensive to live alone together because you are running.

Vicki: Two households you are not sharing in those [00:26:00] expenses. But is it worth the piece? Is it worth the connective time? Is it worth the dedication, or splitting bills just means you get more plants and sushi, which I am also a fan of. More plants for sure. I don't know.

Amber: There's pros and cons to both, right? So splitting the bills, you're also having to compromise the decisions on what you're spending the money on, and you may not agree with what they wanna spend the money on and vice versa. But when you're living alone together, you spend your money on whatever the hell you want.

Vicki: That's right. I don't wanna ever hear anybody tell me that my underwear door is too full. don't care. I don't care. I'll buy as many pairs of panties as I want. We're not talking about it. Nope. I don't, I

Coralie: Did someone tell you? I think they just wanted panties.

Vicki: I don't think that was it. yeah, I mean, and I think too, I think about [00:27:00] things like vacations. I don't want to have to say, I'm going on this vacation. What do you think? I'm not doing that. , I am too old. I. For that. And I don't want to be asked either, you know, if you wanna go on a vacation, go on a vacation.

Vicki: This isn't something that we have to look at. And can we afford to do this? I give a hot shit if you can afford to do it or not, I'd like you to come, but if you can't, you can't. I'm not gonna lose sleep over it. I'm gonna have a good time. But that again, comes from a space of my perspective because that's just the way I, I wanna live my life.

Vicki: And, going back to autonomy for me, right? Let's talk about emotional in intimacy. So it takes a little more effort, but sometimes we can go a little bit deeper because you're really giving it that concentrated time. But again, I think in a cohab relationship, the intimacy is kind of built in.

Vicki: And if you're in a long-term cohab relationship, you've found a way, as we've talked about today, to make it a priority and to schedule it in and to make it fun and to have some excitement around it and I, again, I [00:28:00] think that that's just another perspective of a healthy cohab relationship.

Coralie: I think too, that with long-term relationships, you are always on this rollercoaster, right? Where sometimes you're really connected and you might set up these oh, we're gonna have a data, and I don't mean sex. I mean I might, but you set up these rituals to maintain. In connection, but then one gets canceled, 'cause someone has a doctor's appointment or whatever.

Coralie: You end up always going back into your routines and then you have to force it to happen again. It is just like this eternal cycle, and I think it's like that, not even with who you're living with, but with your friendships and all your other relationships too, because life is hard sometimes.

Amber: It. It takes effort and if you really want the relationship to work, whether it's with a partner who you're romantic with or a friendship, it takes effort. So I think on either side, it's gonna take some work.

Vicki: agreed.

Coralie: Yep.

Vicki: Agreed. End result is simply that, right? So it might look a little [00:29:00] different, but the connection and the, emotional, resiliency around it and wanting to be together, that's still the same, right? And it's just what's the meat in the middle that you have to compromise on? And how do you choose to do that?

Vicki: Do you do it because you're living alone together, or do you do it because you're in a cohab?

Coralie: I mean, I will say that if you're not living together and you do break up, it's a lot easier.

Vicki: Right.

Coralie: No one has to move out 

Vicki: okay, so who do we think that living alone together is for? Empty nesters? For me it makes complete sense and, even in the situation where you may be cohabing part of the time or maybe you have a travel, for work person in your life, whatever that looks like,

Vicki: I think it's an easy way to keep things going and not having to make a big change. So empty nesters, it makes complete sense, to do your own thing, especially post-divorce, empty nesters. I think that's a big deal. Queer couples that again,, it makes sense. It depends on how [00:30:00] they live their lives and.

Vicki: Should they live together? I know there's always the big joke that lesbians move in, like immediately, right? It's like they've been together a week and did the moving truck already move in? But, I think that it, I think that living alone together, it just makes sense and it gives you room and space and autonomy and it just allows for that, ability to, to spread your wings, but also, make a connection. Neurodivergent or trauma informed folks? The neurodivergency, like I am non-medicated Neuro spicy.

Coralie: Yeah, I'm medicated and coming to terms with the fact that I don't thrive in chaos. Still hard.

Vicki: Right. So I mean, it could make sense just because, for me, , there is no chaos. So I, I love that, um, that I can just dance to the beat of my own drum and I don't have somebody judging me for it. So.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: that makes sense. Uh, people with demanding [00:31:00] careers, and we talked about that, the traveling and the back and forth and, and maybe your dinks double income, no kids, and it just makes sense , you've got the income to be able to have, you know, maybe you've got a country home and a city home and whatever that looks like and good for you.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: LAT can also be for, you know, when you've already done the cohab thing and you want a new dynamic, right? Maybe you need to figure it out. I am not telling a cohab couple though, to try LAT. I mean, I think that might be the first step out the door,

Coralie: I think that's a trial separation.

Vicki: I think, yeah, which we all bullshit because that's just the next step to the lawyer.

Vicki: So.

Coralie: To the D word.

Amber: I disagree for the summer on weekend

Vicki: Right.

Amber: in.

Coralie: Oh yeah, that's different. That's, you know, you have a vacation home? I'm going to the cottage.

Vicki: to the lake house.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: I love [00:32:00] that.

Vicki: So lat living alone together, is it a forever plan or is it a transitional one? I dunno.

Amber: I, again, I'm gonna go back to where you are in your life because I think that that will answer this question.

Vicki: Mm-hmm. Yep. I agree.

Coralie: and I think too, like you are not gonna know. You're not gonna know until you are in the moment. You might think, like Vicky said earlier, you know, this is how I feel now. My mind might change in five years. I don't know. I think we should consider everything in life as transitional.

Vicki: I think that's a great idea. I love that point of though like. It's today. That's not where I am. I'm always open to that conversation though, right? Like, I mean, it's not like I'm saying this is the way I'm gonna live my life for the rest of my life. I just know that where things are now, that's just the way it works.

Vicki: And I just don't choose to challenge it. I just choose to live in it because it's functional [00:33:00] and it just makes sense for right now, so, yeah. Yeah. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, guys.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Ride, ride, do the things cohab lat. Just enjoy your life and try not to put so much pressure.

Vicki: I think that the pressure is what sort of tears things apart and it kind of guts it and it's just not necessary.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. And also too, it's 2025. You can get toys that have apps that the person you're not living with can use. So you don't have to wait two weeks. You can have a little FaceTime or app session, whatever.

Vicki: Absolutely.

Amber: So whether you're splitting a bed, a mortgage, or just a good bottle of wine, what matters is knowing what keeps your love alive.

Coralie: cohabitation isn't the default setting for commitment. And lat isn't a loophole. It's a choice, A bold choice, but it's a choice and we love bold choices.

Vicki: Yes, we do. And remember that sometimes the hottest love is the one that gets to go home. [00:34:00] After brunch.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts. And hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.

Amber: Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.