Episode: 31 - Forget the Alphabet Trick—Here’s What Actually Works in Oral Sex

Ready to upgrade your oral game—without relying on outdated porn tricks or alphabet gymnastics? In this unfiltered episode, we’re serving up REAL advice on how to give (and receive) oral sex that actually feels good. From clitoral communication to ditching the jackhammer, we're breaking it all down, brunch-style.

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Transcript

Coralie: [00:00:00] If your go-to oral move is something you saw in porn, we have questions.

Vicki: Technique matters, but not if you're skipping the basics like listening.

Amber: It's time we talk about oral sex. That actually works.

Coralie: Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important, unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Coralie: Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and relationships with confidence. Hi, I'm Coralie. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mama, two half empty nesting, one in [00:01:00] one out, and my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

Amber: And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a gma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff, and I get to the point. 

Vicki: I love it. I am Vicki. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced, and I'm reentering the relationship space. I'm a mom to two grownups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationship, which of course creates trust.

Vicki: Okay guys, we've all been in a situation where someone was having a snack and they did something that was so left field. still lives in our head. Rent free. What's yours?

Vicki: Okay, let's go there. So, um, I think that, , enthusiasm is great, but I think when [00:02:00] it's almost. Over performative, over enthusiastic, over that area is very sensitive. I think that not allowing somebody to guide you where you're looking for them to go, not paying attention, you gotta kind of read the room, read the body while you're there. I know that it's a lot to ask. But again, I think this all goes back to communication and talking and I think that it's really important that partners. Watch or explain to one another what they like and how they like it, where they like it, the type of pressure. It may not be super romantic, but someone's having an orgasm 

Amber: Honestly, for me, the only time I can think back on is the really fast, like penetration at the same time with the fingers where they're like,

Coralie: Oh

Amber: that needed to be corrected

Coralie: yes. You're not stuffing a chicken.

Amber: And I corrected it [00:03:00] so 

Vicki: That's actually so relatable. Amber, that is so relatable. I mean that, that whole jackhammering thing, right? Like why, why do you think I need that? I, we need to talk. This is why you have a sexy, decompress.

Coralie: So I have a theory and it relates to my own answer to this question is, have you ever. Have you ever walked in on a guy masturbating? Like when he is masturbating and he is not expecting to get caught, so it looks like they're going to rip it off. They are very intense with it, you know, and so, so I think that.

Coralie: They might think that that's what we like. Right. So there's been some situations in my past where, yeah, I've had to do the same thing. Course correct. Be like, and back then I didn't understand how men masturbated and maybe you're a slow masturbator and I just know a lot of guys [00:04:00] look like they're gonna rip it off and,

Coralie: And it just kind of makes sense. It ki it makes sense with everything, right? We always think, there's been situations in my own relationship where I thought, well, that's what I like. So that's what he's gonna like, and it's not, it's flipped, right? So it's really important to do that. Yeah. So, you know, and that leads us into talking about some myths because all these left field moments probably happen 'cause they heard something somewhere from someone.

Vicki: Yeah,

Vicki: they heard it, they read it, or they watched it.

Coralie: Yeah. So, 70 to 90% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, which is a large amount of women because I can't think of the stat off the top of my head, but over 90% of men climax from penetration, so it makes sense that they wouldn't understand that. Most of us don't.

Coralie: Right? So oral sex stimulation down there, super important. Don't leave it out. And another thing is, and this is a personal pet peeve. Oral sex is not foreplay. It's called sex. It's not called oral [00:05:00] foreplay. It's sex foreplay. It's not foreplay. If you kiss for two minutes and then he goes down on you.

Coralie: That's not foreplay. You gotta warm up, you gotta get down there. Maybe sometimes, but, it's not really a warmup. Other things are the warmup, gentle rubbing, all that other stuff. We'll get into that stuff anyways., There's also so many porn tropes to unlearn, like the jackhammer, or they do the jackhammer with their tongue.

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and listen. I think that there's going to be a very small percentage of women who are gonna go like, that is how I like it. And again, I just think that, especially, let's say it's a new relationship. Let's say you're trying something for the first time. Just go in slow, take it easy.

Vicki: Work your way up. Listen to the room. We're gonna guide you in whatever direction, just like I expect. And I will say that I got some heat on this, on YouTube, [00:06:00] but I also expect you to tell me, right if you like it a certain way, I wanna know because just as much as you wanna please me, I wanna please you. Just say the words. Just guide the body, the mouth, the what? Whatever.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: That's it. Stop. I hate, I hate non-communicative sex makes me mad.

Coralie: Get out some of those flashcards

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: can't talk right here.

Vicki: Yeah,

Vicki: totally. 

Coralie: And yeah, and you know what? That leads to the last point and that's that confidence and communication are so much better than a secret move. Like the alphabet doesn't fricking work. You guys

Vicki: No. Yeah,

Coralie: maybe for that one person one time,

Vicki: that one person, that one time, she

Vicki: ruined it for all of us.

Coralie: Just ruined it for all of us, but there is a new thing going around in case you guys haven't heard, I'll [00:07:00] share really quickly.

Vicki: I

Vicki: think I know where you're going.

Coralie: Dee, do you know about the coconut?

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: Yeah. So there's a thing going around on the Internets right now where if you're in a hetero relationship and you're the woman and you're in missionary to spell coconut with your hips.

Coralie: And I just wonder like I'm gonna do this challenge I haven't done yet, but I'm gonna do it. But I wonder if it'll be the same thing. Like, is he gonna be like, what the hell are you doing? Is it gonna be like the alphabet thing where you're like, what the hell? What are doing? Whatcha are spelling down there?

Coralie: Are we playing hangman?

Vicki: Oh my God. I'm gonna have to find somebody to coconut on, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I think that, again, the confidence in the communication, it does, it, it's so much more important than anything else. And I think that being communicated to and communicating with are the two most important things that you're going to do to figure out how to please your partner the way they like to be pleased.

Vicki: Because you know what? [00:08:00] There was someone out there that likes the jackhammer and they would be lost without that. I don't know who she is. Good for you. Right?

Vicki: Like I don't wanna negate it because there's gonna be somebody out there that just thinks that's the best. And the other part of that is that sometimes what we do to ourselves when masturbating looks very different than what we require or need from a partner as well.

Vicki: So sometimes that, I'll show you how I like it doesn't necessarily translate really well. So you wanna be really cognizant of that. But again, that's your own self work. You gotta do that stuff.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Absolutely. 

Vicki: Let's talk about this. If you had to describe good oral in three words mm-hmm. What would it be?

Coralie: slow, attentive, and. Okay, we're gonna pretend this is one word. Don't stop after the first orgasm. That's one word.

Vicki: That's, that is a.

Amber: It's not [00:09:00] one word.

Coralie: Together.

Amber: Continue,

Vicki: Continue. There you go.

Coralie: Oh, I have it. Finger. Slow, attentive. Add the finger.

Amber: uh, I would have to say soft, slow. G-spot.

Vicki: I like it. I like it. I would say, listen, communicate, and I like breath sounds. I know that's also not one word, but. I like

Coralie: Breathy. That would be 

Vicki: moan. I like the feeling of the, the breath, the vibration of the mouth. That's what I like. There you go.

Coralie: Something on my, sorry.

Vicki: This whole pick three words thing fell apart.

Vicki: The wheels blew right off of that. This like. Three words. Don't be ridiculous. Talking about oral and [00:10:00] communication. I have a paragraph

Amber: To the point girl, like I got three words. That's all. I did. 

Vicki: did. I know that's, that's Amber's mo. Just get to the point.

Coralie: And mine's like, let me write you a novel.

Vicki: Right? And then mine's like, let me tell you what to do.

Vicki: Alright, so let's talk about this. So you don't wanna just go straight for the clip. Just, start wide and slow as we mentioned. Just take your time, get to know the body. Everyone's is different. Really pay attention to, your partner's breathing. Sometimes, we'll squinch over to the side a little bit because we're trying to get you to go to the right place.

Vicki: So, you know, pay attention to that. Using your hands, your thighs. Your lower belly, your labia, hold still if needed. Use your whole body to, get what you need.

Amber: Okay. But if you're a woman and you're just nudging, and I know we've all done it, like moved a little bit, nudged a [00:11:00] little bit, whatever, and they're not getting the picture the point, just tell them a little to the left please.

Vicki: Yeah, a hundred percent. I'm not even gonna tell you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna be like, here's your hand.

Coralie: I have a phrase, I'm lining up the shot for you. Don't move.

Vicki: I am making this a full proof

Coralie: lining up the shot. You stay there. I'm lining it.

Vicki: Good for you. I, I mean, at the end of the day, whether you're in a new relationship or an old relationship, you still wanna get off, right? And I wanna do it the way I want it, and I wanna give it the way they want it. And that's just the way this works. So. Yeah, be a good student. Sometimes that means just listening and doing.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

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Vicki: Also, let's talk about consistency versus speed and pressure. We did touch on that, right? Some women may really like that, but when we're talking about the vulva and oral can be very, very sensitive, especially when we, have become aroused and the blood is flowing. I think that's an important piece to [00:13:00] remember. And then of course, when to switch it up and when to stay put. If you're lining up the shot, big money, no whammies, right? Like I'm giving it to you. This is a gift I'm gonna make your life real easy. You're gonna be eating a sandwich in no time.

Vicki: and then being responsive. So feedback is super sexy. And again, I mentioned that. Moans and movements, clues. Read the room, listen to the breathing. It really can be some of the best tells that you'll ever experience.

Coralie: Feedback that I've heard a lot over the years is that I. You know when they get close and their partner can tell they're getting close, their partner switches it up, right? So you have to do the communication to tell them like when I'm getting close, because again, very different.

Coralie: For men versus women, because as they get close, they're going to increase intensity. Right. And that is going to, for a lot of us, just take it away. Like it's gonna move it down. Right. So it's that steadiness and staying there and remembering [00:14:00] you're different people, you're stimulated differently, so to just, yeah, I love that too.

Vicki: like as long as we haven't declared this an edging session.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: You

Vicki: know, if if we have declared this an edging session, we know what the script is. Right? But if that has not been declared, yeah. If I

Vicki: tell you, don't move, you best not.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. But we do have those things that you could put their neck in a thing and it has their hands like this so that they can't.

Vicki: It's true. Also true. And sometimes required. 

Amber: Oral sex can be a little awkward, so we're gonna make it a little less awkward. But first, wanna know what's something you wish more people said out loud about oral sex?

Coralie: Something I wish more people said out loud about oral sex is that they enjoy it. That they do it, that they like it, that they like to give it or that they like to receive it.

Coralie: [00:15:00] Because I think a lot of people feel like they shouldn't. There's so many people who've been RA raised or just live completely different lives that than we do, that haven't haven the experience of, it's not a shameful thing. It's not a dirty thing, it's not a gross thing. And I just think if more people talked about it in general 

Vicki: Well, and whenever we're louder about something, it just makes it more commonplace and it makes it easier.

Vicki: I'll take the partner angle. I think that, oral sex shouldn't be, that once in a while gift or that, you know, something that you receive at a particular time or I think that oral sex should be a regular part of the routine. And that isn't necessarily for everybody, but I just think that a partner that wants that regularly needs to be loud about that, , so that they can receive it. 'cause I think it seems like it's in addition to, or especially for women, I think for men receiving oral is no, I don't wanna [00:16:00] say expectation, but I think that it's sort of like that's happening. That's just something that they assume they're going to experience that during a regular ses. And I think that as women, it's often suggested or maybe there's a feeling of it being secondary. I disagree.

Coralie: Oh, I do. It's definitely not like that in my bedroom.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: Here's the difference. Almost every man can climax from sex. Women can't. So if we need oral sex to have that orgasm first, that's gonna happen. Because if I don't have one, you are not having one. And 

Vicki: I go, I go. I go. You go.

Coralie: That's right. And, and again, not a hundred percent of the time, sometimes he, sometimes I don't want one.

Coralie: And that's fine. Whatever. But yeah.

Vicki: true.

Amber: I'm gonna now. 'cause I'm like, damn, Vicki, call me out. Anyway, if you haven't watched the BJ episode, go back to that. But, um, it'll be linked in the show notes. I, [00:17:00] I wish the people would talk about it like in the relationship. I don't think. Sure with your friends, your girlfriends, whatever, but I think it's really important to talk about in your relationship and what's really important to you and to your partner. I don't necessarily personally like getting oral either, so it's. Yeah, I know. I, I don't require it. It's not bad. It's not, you know what I mean? Like, cool if it's happening, but I don't require it. I don't necessarily enjoy giving it to my partner all the time, but it's not a no go. So I feel like if we both feel like we wanna do it that night or whatever that session.

Amber: Go for it. And sometimes you don't, we don't even ask like, let's do it. Boom. But I think that knowing where your partner sits on the, you know, like you guys gotta find a level playing ground there. And I think for myself and my partner, we have, um, and if we haven't, he hasn't told me [00:18:00] otherwise, I'm, we're open communication.

Amber: So I think that that's important. I think it just needs to be talked about. What do you like, how often do you like it? I'm not a special occasions person either though. Like I'm not like, it's your birthday, let's do it. You know?

Coralie: Mm.

Amber: But yeah.

Vicki: no. I hate that.

Vicki: I hate that I, you know, I think that there are lots of couples that could just have oral and walk away, not even have penetration. They'd be like, this is great.

Vicki: Piece out, right? Like, and like Coralie said, I don't always need to either. Now as women, that's quite often the case is where we have a lot of enjoyment just from the action as opposed to from the finish.

Vicki: And there are some men that are like that as well. And I mean, I just think that we just need to have a little more grace with each other.

Amber: Well, and I think it's just important, right? Encourage that feedback. Try and reduce the shame around it. 'cause a lot of people might feel shame around it. , Especially if you're raised in a household that might be like, Ooh, it's not okay to touch yourself or whatever that might [00:19:00] look like.

Amber: Right? And just helping you and your partner be more comfortable with it. Like if you are, if you love it, talk to your partner about it. And there's probably a compromise. 'cause had my husband said, I really want it more often. Okay. It's not my favorite thing to do, but, all right. 

Vicki: I'll figure it out.

Amber: Right. So, I don't know. I think it's important to give your partner guidance as well. Like without killing the vibe, have it outside the bedroom if you feel like you need to, just to make it less awkward.

Vicki: Yeah. Uh, the other part too, about killing the vibe, I mean, I'm a firm believer in the words that we use matter, and I think that don't do this or don't. Touch me here or don't this. The don't is traumatic, so it would be more on the affirmative side.

Vicki: I love it when you do this. I love it when this happens.

Vicki: I love to do this to you. How do you feel about that? That's be affirmative. Please, [00:20:00] please take the negative away. No more don'ts.

Amber: And I love the little humor,

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah.

Vicki: Oh, if I'm not laughing in the bedroom, you're doing it wrong.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: like have some little playfulness, have some funness about it. A little too much teeth there, honey. You know what I mean?

Vicki: that's okay. I get that. Yeah. Maybe not your first time out. Remember

Vicki: guys, I. 

Amber: Yeah.

Coralie: Yeah. Not the first time. You don't laugh the first time.

Amber: I'm in a long term committed 

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah. Like I don't think that's gonna work with just, lay off with the teeth. Next thing you know they're gone. That's it.

Vicki: Finished 

Amber: , I think talking about, you know, your body too, like taste, smell, body stuff. We're grown people, we're adults. It's okay like. I mean, go shower, if that's a thing for you beforehand, freshen up, whatever that looks like. But talk about it like if you're like, Hmm, you might wanna go [00:21:00] shower, honey. I don't think it's a bad idea.

Coralie: Yeah, it's okay to have standards and you know, going back to the BJ episode, I got a lot of slack for being like, it has to be clean. He can't have shit that day. Like, that's just who I am. I'm a fricking germophobe. You know, and there's nothing wrong with that. People are like, oh, what if he did that too fine?

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: honestly, I'm more concerned like, no, I haven't showered.

Vicki: Yeah. No, that's so true.

Vicki: No. 

Amber: I And that's so funny. It's so funny because I think that like, what if you did that to, what if he did that to you? I'd be like. I, I've already done it. I've already cleaned myself before this happens, so

Vicki: Yeah, and I would expect it guys,

Vicki: like, I would expect a partner to say, this is my preference, and if I'm going to and want to engage in this. I'm gonna jump through the hoops just as much as I expect you to jump through the hoops. So this double standard bullshit that people are [00:22:00] giving us heat about, that's crap.

Vicki: It's not happening. We get it. We're grown women. We're not assholes. Like, stop it. Stop it. But anyway, I think it's fun. I think that it's okay to have the conversation and if you need me to jump through a hoop to do a thing and I want it, I'll find that hoop. Watch me hold my beer.

Coralie: Yeah, you can go have a shower. You got a nice shower head, you can warm up, clean things up, get back to work.

Vicki: Back to work.

Amber: Oh my goodness. And you know what? I think that it's okay to note here that it's okay to not be in the mood,

Amber: and it's okay to say no. Let's try this again another time, or not today. It's okay. And both ways.

Vicki: Yes. 

Amber: I think it's okay.

Vicki: I agree. No, as a full sentence, if it just isn't the right time, the right moment, you're not feeling good. You got a hemorrhoid that day. I don't know, like whatever. You don't want somebody's face down there. [00:23:00] Okay.

Amber: Mm-hmm. Exactly. Exactly.

Vicki: Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah. I think that there can be a lot of expectation, and I think we need to take all expectations off the table. The only expectation I have is to speak to me. That's it.

Vicki: Communicate. Let's do this.

Amber: And some people might like. We had this conversation off the podcast 'cause Coralie had kind of said oh my gosh, Amber, did you have some kind of trauma or something? I don't wanna like poo poo on your not liking oral.

Amber: And I'm like, no, no. Like that's not the case. But for some people that could be the case where they had trauma, there maybe was abuse, they have body images. , And it may cause that low desire or not even. Like they don't wanna be touched in that way, or you, they don't wanna touch you in that way because it brings back something.

Amber: And I think that that needs to be a conversation, especially when you're in a committed long-term relationship and be open and honest with your partner as to why, and it's not them. Or maybe go through therapy.[00:24:00] 

Vicki: And if you're not in a committed long-term relationship and he tells you no, or she tells you no, then the answer is no.

Vicki: And you just say, great. How do we redirect? No. 

Amber: Yeah, you don't need to dig deep when you're, you know, when it's new, fresh, whatever.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: And just to be clear, if you are committed, it's still no, but you're probably gonna talk about it and explore more

Amber: Right.

Coralie: just.

Vicki: love how much they love us though. Let's just

Vicki: say But yeah, that absolutely Baird repeating, if there is trauma, what even the body image stuff, like you said, maybe it's just that you're just not into it, right? The no doesn't matter where it comes from. Again, if you're in a committed relationship, then it becomes a conversation.

Vicki: And if you're not in a committed relationship, you're just out there doing your thing, then no is just no. And I think that that's okay. And I think that we're not in entitled to no everybody's shit.[00:25:00] 

Amber: Yep. 

Vicki: hear it 

Amber: And if it's, if what you really wanna do in a new relationship is a no. That's probably not the relationship you wanna be in.

Vicki: Right. Could

Vicki: be.

Amber: Okay, too.

Vicki: Absolutely.

Coralie: Why waiting till marriage for sex is bad.

Vicki: My mom told me when I was a teenager that she would make sure that I was well equipped and that I was taken care of and that I just needed to have a conversation with her. But that before I decided, to, commit that I needed to test drive the merchandise, and it was a very easy conversation of you need to take care of yourself.

Vicki: You'd never, ever. Except shitty sex is what my mom said. And I was like, got it. And that's, this is welcome to me. This is where I came from. 

Vicki: And I mean, I had the same conversation with my daughter, it's one of those things where I'm really interested in how, uh, we talked about sex a lot, but I'm just saying like relationships in general, like. If something doesn't feel right and you cannot move forward, then you owe that [00:26:00] courtesy to step out of that relationship, you know?

Vicki: And I haven't watched her be in an unhappy relationship for a lengthy period of time because she just respected that person enough to say, Hey, yeah, this isn't working. So I think it, it works for all of the things. So we just have to tell people, yeah, this doesn't work for me. Moving on. No big deal.

Vicki: It could be an action. It could be a whole relationship. Who knows?

Coralie: Your mouth does not need to be magic. It just needs to pay attention.

Vicki: Stop trying to impress, start trying to connect.

Amber: Listen to her body, not just her sounds, and maybe read a manual or hers.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts. And hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most unfiltered chats we're serving up.[00:27:00] 

Amber: Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.