Episode: 32 - Are You Aromantic or Just Horny?

Do you love sex but cringe at candlelit dinners? Are you vibing solo and wondering if it means something more? In this episode, we explore the aromantic spectrum and how it differs from simply being horny, emotionally unavailable, or just tired of the dating scene. Whether you're new to the term or wondering if it fits your vibe, we’re breaking it all down—with humor, honesty, and zero fluff.

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Transcript

Vicki: [00:00:00] So you keep hooking up, but never actually want to date anyone.

Amber: Maybe you're not afraid of love. Maybe you're on the aromantic spectrum.

Coralie: Or maybe you're just, either way, we're gonna talk about it today.

Vicki: Yeah, we are.

Coralie: Welcome to Not Safe for Brunch. In this podcast, we're here to bring sex insight and real world education to the table unapologetically. Think about it as having those important, unfiltered brunch conversations with your closest friends about sex relationships and everything in between. With over 55 years of experience combined in the intimacy industry, helping individuals and couples focus on breaking down barriers.

Coralie: Reducing shame and empowering people to embrace their desires and relationships with confidence. [00:01:00] Hi, I'm Coralie. I live in the Vancouver area. I'm a married mama, two half empty nesting, one in one out, and my secret power is I love a good rabbit hole. I love digging deep and finding the truth or the root cause of a situation.

Amber: And I'm Amber. I live in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom and a gma. And an unapologetic quality of mine is I weed through the fluff, and I get to the point. 

Vicki: I love it. I am Vicki. I'm in Manitoba. I'm divorced, and I'm reentering the relationship space. I'm a mom to two grownups and my magic is making meaningful connections and relationship, which of course creates trust.

Amber: So before we dive too deep into whether you're aromantic or just horny. Let's make sure, we're all on the same page with what a romantic actually means, because this label gets misunderstood. 

Coralie: Ed mispronounced.

Amber: When I [00:02:00] first read it, I read. Aromatic. And I'm like, what does that have to do with being a warning? I mean, I get like, pheromones and stuff, but anyway.

Vicki: Good to get some.

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: Yes, you do. And you gotta be clean.

Amber: So aromantic or aro is a term used to describe someone who doesn't experience romantic attraction or only experiences it very rarely. That doesn't mean that they don't enjoy relationships, the sex or physical touch.

Amber: It just means they don't feel the urge to date fall in love or build traditional romantic connections. Hmm.

Vicki: Hmm. Indeed. Hmm.

Amber: Right, so like basically they're not chasing that rom-com fantasy, and that's completely normal for people on an aromantic spectrum.

Vicki: Yeah. I totally get that. I think romance makes me awkward and it like, is it just me?

Amber: I could see it like, I'm not like the mushy gushy

Amber: type of person. Like, don't go [00:03:00] crazy instead of. You know, fancy plans and stuff like that. Like it's, yeah.

Coralie: Yeah, for me, like romance isn't the traditional, like, oh, I got a dozen red roses for no reason. It's the little things he just does that I didn't ask to do that. He just knows I like, and he does it without it. Like that's, that's romance, you know, to me,

Vicki: Yeah,

Vicki: I hear that. I think for me, I think about romance and I think about like. Dancing in the kitchen and just all that really mushy stuff and it makes me feel fucking awkward.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: know why.

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: and society kind of assumes that everyone wants romance. So like it can be hard to recognize or accept if you really don't. If you feel cringey about getting all mushy and dancing in the kitchen.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: I'm not saying I won't. I'm just saying it feels awkward. I don't know.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. My husband's definitely more of the dance in the kitchen, you know, type. And I always just have to bring in a joke 

Coralie: like, it's too, [00:04:00] you know, I do, and, and then I can get back into it, you know? But it's just too much. But I also love it. Don't stop honey, if you're listening.

Amber: Yeah. 

Vicki: Right. Also that, that whole idea of being completely aromantic is, you know, this is an absolute

Vicki: right. We're. Talking about kind of, riding the line of, you know, what makes us feel cringey and that we don't want romance to go away. We're just saying that there might be some people who find romance is like, not at all.

Vicki: They literally just wanna get it done.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: So aromantic is about like romantic feels, but that's not the same as being asexual, which is about not feeling sexually attracted to somebody, or feeling that sexual attraction. So you can be one, both, neither, or kind of somewhere in between. And then there's a term called gray romantic where you sometimes feel romantic attraction, but it rarely happens, or it's [00:05:00] like very specific.

Vicki: right.

Coralie: It sounds very spectrum, 

Vicki: all the very specific times that I felt grey romantic.

Coralie: Yeah. Sometimes you do just wanna get laid. Like I can appreciate that, you know? And yeah, I haven't say I felt that, long term in my own life, but like in bits and pieces and I mean, I think just like anything, as long as you're happy with it, as long as you're happy with where you're at, then that's okay. You know?

Vicki: and I think that there's some fluidity allowance here, right?

Amber: Absolutely.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. 

Vicki: can come in and out of this, and I am sure that even in long-term relationships where there are times when you feel a certain way and then you kind of come out of that and then you really want some of that romance. I think that it's just an interesting topic for sure.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. . So let's talk about dating app culture, instant intimacy and how sometimes sex can feel like romance. , You can kind of go back and forth in between. Is it sex is like. Sorry to be crude here, but is it just fucking, or is [00:06:00] it making love, you know, you can go back and forth, and I think there's a lot of different things that might happen, scientifically that makes your , you create all those feelings and those hormonal, hormonal things.

Coralie: I kind of wonder, if there is a scientific link there, you know, like hormonally with a romantic, people, but. You know, just for some examples like post nut confusion, you feel differently. 'cause I know sometimes, you know, when you're really, really around, you're like, oh my God, I can't wait.

Coralie: I wanna, I just, I can't wait. When we're done, then I'm just gonna lick you head to toe. And then you have your, and you're like, don't really wanna lick you head to toe anymore.

Vicki: Too funny,

Coralie: You know?

Coralie: There's also too, I think especially for. Well, more so for like in our relationship for my husband, there is that post nut confusion where they seem to be so much more chill, you know? So if I wanna move a dresser from [00:07:00] upstairs to downstairs, we're gonna have sex first, and then I'm gonna be like, Hey, because I'm gonna be, yeah, no

Vicki: That's very, that's called coercion.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: Whatever.

Coralie: Whatever.

Vicki: Listen, I'm not gonna say that I haven't had a good enough orgasm that it made me think maybe I could get married, maybe, maybe I'm romantic, and then I go, nah,

Coralie: Yeah. There's also, the oxytocin that pumps out after sex and we love some oxytocin. You know, it makes you feel good. We call it the love hormone. And I wonder too, with a romantic people, do they still get that same oxytocin pump? With it being love, that sort of love romantic feeling?

Vicki: I didn't do too deep of a dive into the oxytocin side of things, but I do think you're right. I think that, regardless of what your arrangement is,[00:08:00] 

Coralie: Right. 

Vicki: I think that. The natural hormone of oxytocin is probably gonna show itself, and it's going to create maybe some closeness, but I also believe that.

Vicki: We may override that sometimes because of what we've decided we want, need or desire in our life or in that moment, or with that partner or whatever that looks like it, it could be very easy to trauma bond in those moments or, you know, because you are just having these hormones rushing through you. We need to do a deeper dive on that as to whether or not, oxytocin is present in an a romantic person

Vicki: Post Post activity. 

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: Mean, I feel like even if it was and they were like feeling the feelings, it's probably pretty short lived.

Coralie: yeah. Yeah. I just always like the science behind things, you know, because oftentimes there's so. Few studies on stuff done like this. 

Vicki: I think that it's one of the reasons why we have to recognize that there is this gray line and that [00:09:00] a lot of people. Just sort of, do a trapeze act on it and sort of, uh, wishy wash their way in and out of some of these situations.

Vicki: And I think that that can also be very confusing to a partner who is very dead set on their relationship style or their romance style or whatever that looks like. Like that gray line riding can create a lot of confusion and unless there's good what. Communication. It's gonna be really difficult to navigate.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Well, and that touches too on, is that confusing? Physical closeness for emotional interest right there. I think that's kind of that gray line, you know?

Vicki: I agree. I mean, I think having your physical needs and your emotional needs met , can be completely separate entities.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: I don't need to be emotionally connected to somebody to have my physical needs met. It's just not how my, I'm wired.

Vicki: Um, I like it. I don't need it.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: And that's [00:10:00] confusing even in your fifties.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: Okay. Let's do a little quiz here. Are you a romantic or just horny? I think, I love a good quiz. Anybody else like to, pick up a Cosmo once in a while

Amber: Right. I love a good quiz for 

Coralie: Me too?

Vicki: So, so these aren't strict labels that we're gonna tap on here. They're more like spicy clues to, what's your vibe? Like, how do you show up in this world? So each answer leans towards a romantic, uh, horny.

Vicki: Sex driven or romantic inclined tendencies.

Vicki: Okay, let's do this. So you're cuddling, post hookup. Suddenly you feel like a, this is cute. Do I love them? So that would, that would make you romantically inclined. Do you think, where's my Uber? Horny, maybe romance averse, or CI hope they don't catch feelings that would be leaning towards aromantic or emotionally [00:11:00] avoidant for sure.

Coralie: I'm gonna say B.

Amber: Like, it's like the first hookup.

Vicki: Well, it's literally calling it a hookup. So we're talking hookup.

Coralie: Yeah,

Amber: Yeah. Like I don't want someone when I'm just hooking up with them, so I'm going.

Coralie: I need more

Vicki: Yeah. Go. Absolutely. I'm thinking, how fast can I get outta here? 100%. Absolutely. Yeah.

Vicki: Mm-hmm. Agreed. Okay. Number two, you fantasize more about candlelight dinners, wild, spontaneous sex, or being left alone in peace.

Amber: I am c.

Coralie: I'm BI don't want the candle at dinner.

Coralie: But yeah, just, you know, consensual non-consent. Yes. Take me.

Vicki: Yeah, I'm definitely B as well. However, I flip really quickly [00:12:00] into C.

Coralie: Yeah, I mean, I was gonna say it depends on the week, 

Coralie: but, um, you know, hormones, but I'm down for a wild spontaneous.

Vicki: Totally,

Coralie: Grab my hair, pull me upstairs.

Amber: down for it, but I'm not Fanta about it.

Coralie: Oh, 

Vicki: Correct. That's, you know what? That's a good point. 'cause I was gonna say, I like the candlelight dinner. I like having candlelight on. Like I love all of that. But you're right, it's not what I fantasize about. I don't sit around going, oh, I can't wait for my next candlelight dinner. Never ever, you. Never happening.

Vicki: Never happening. I'm thinking, let's get it done and then leave me alone.

Vicki: Oh my gosh. Okay. How about question number three. You've never been in love, but you want to be, you're just fine vibing, uh, you think love is just a made up concept, 

Amber: i'd probably have to go with a, because if I wasn't, I'd probably wanna be.

Coralie: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing, [00:13:00] like I feel like, even back it's, you know, 30 years in a relationship, but even then, I did, I wanted that. Person, you know what I mean? And even though if anything happened to him or to us, I would be very single for a long, long time. But I think eventually I'd want that again,

Coralie: you know, eventually if someone could fill all my very high standards, very high.

Vicki: Listen, I'm here to tell you that, I would've thought the same thing, that I would've stayed single for a very, very long time. But, you know, I think that we do the work, we do the things, and I'm actually surprised at how quickly you come back into your center again and figure out who you are. I'm just fine vibing, but you know what I mean.

Vicki: If it just depends, right? You never know who you're gonna meet while you're just out there vibing. So

Vicki: coming from your. From your single, token here. All right. So when someone flirts with you, and we know this happens, even though y'all are married for decades, when [00:14:00] someone flirts with you, your first instinct is to blush and flirt back to wonder if their DTF hmm, uh, or roll your eyes.

Vicki: What are we doing?

Amber: I'm rolling my eyes.

Coralie: Yeah. Yeah, I'm rolling my eyes too. However, I did have a gentleman flirting with me at Costco a couple weeks ago.

Coralie: Um, and I loved it because I was just putting my stuff on the pay belt, the belt to pay. And earlier that day, or maybe the day before, my husband and I got in it just a little bicker because he was annoyed that I was so organized and he just wants to throw everything in.

Coralie: We were packing to leave and I was going to Costco to get stuff and I was putting my stuff on the thing, and he said, I just came to. Behind you because I could see how well organized you were. And I was like, I just kind of paused. And I said, what? And he repeated himself and I said, my husband and I got in a little blah, blah, blah over that. And I looked at the checker and I was like, what's your name? Do you, you're gonna remember this? I'm gonna come back [00:15:00] here with him. And the guy was like, you tell your husband. I came home, I told my husband.

Vicki: Oh my gosh, that's.

Coralie: Yeah, it was just so funny because I don't get flirted with in public often, but the one time I did, it's about the one thing we were bickering about, like was this a plant?

Vicki: Yeah. Where did this guy come from?

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: That's too funny. Um, I will blush and flirt back if I haven't actually started the flirting first. Just saying

Amber: There we go.

Vicki: go figure. Right? So someone who's like, just standoffish. But yeah, gimme an opportunity to flirt. I'm all over it. It's my core, just who I am. Okay. Your idea of a perfect night involves a long walk, cuddles, and falling asleep together.

Vicki: B, a wild hookup and zero expectations afterwards. C, not having to interact with anyone at all. C, your perfect night is leave me alone.

Amber: I love my time.

Coralie: Yeah, but I also say that like I realized I could have [00:16:00] entirely different answers if I wasn't in a long-term relationship,

Coralie: you know? Mm-hmm. 

Vicki: a hundred percent. And our listeners are gonna do the same thing. They're gonna be like, oh, wait a minute. , For me, my perfect night involves, B let's have some fun. Let's not expect anything of one another, and let's carry on. That's it. But I am in a very different phase of my life.

Vicki: And let, whoa, I should also preface that I'm not just out there hooking up, right? Like, wait, 

Coralie: Why not?

Vicki: Well, because.

Coralie: You're representing all three of us. You get out there.

Vicki: Take one for the team. Yeah. No, it's not who I am. It's not where I am in my life. But, you don't know what happens, happens. And I knew that sounds like fun to me. 

Coralie: I, I honestly think if I was single, I'd probably go with a,

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: i, I love to talk

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: like, let's just, let's talk and let's not talk about surface shit. You know? Let's go deep.

Coralie: Yeah.

Coralie: That's what I'd wanna do,

Vicki: Yeah, that would be a perfect night if I was with somebody that I wanted to stay with.

Coralie: right? [00:17:00] Yeah.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Right. So yeah, who knows. Alright, so let's just talk about this. If you were mostly, a's you're probably romantic, inclined, you catch feelings or want to, even if they just scare you a little bit, if you're mostly b's.

Vicki: You're giving horny casual, sex driven energy, and that's okay. Just make sure you're not confusing desire with deeper attachment. That can be dangerous. And mostly Cs, you'll, you may fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. Or to kind of just be over it, because I think that's a little bit where I come from.

Vicki: I'm just like, Ugh, I'm just, I'm tired. It doesn't mean you're cold, although I have been called the ice queen before. You just build different, when it comes to love and relationships and how you experience them. So. I thought that was kind of fun. I love a good quiz. 

Coralie: I'm A whatever. B was. I'm

Amber: Yeah,

Amber: no, I'm 

Coralie: casual and sex driven.

Amber: I'm a C. Don't gimme the romance. I'm good.

Coralie: Oh.

Vicki: Yeah, right. Like I, I [00:18:00] totally get that. And it's actually funny because when I look at it this way, I think actually I am. I am mostly B, but I think I do enjoy the A. You know, I think that because I'm single, I get to follow on all A, B, and C whenever I feel like it. I'm going with that.

Vicki: All right.

Coralie: What if you are a romantic, like did this episode make you have a deep aha moment? , Maybe I need to Google this and see if this is me. If you feel like it lined up with you. It's really interesting when you. Learn about different diagnosis or conditions or things like this later in life, and it lines up everything for you when you're like, oh, that's why. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know? For me it was a DHD for example, you know what I mean? And it just kind of lines up when you figure that stuff out.

Coralie: So. I think it's very freeing and validating and it kind of helps you deal with it. Figure out if you feel the need to change it at all, or if you [00:19:00] just need to get into acceptance and talk about it. If you, with a partner, make sure your partner accepts it. What do you guys think? 

Vicki: I do think that it's an evolving concept and I think, when you're discovering something, or sometimes we can even hear something and go, wait, is that. Why I feel the way I feel, is that why I respond the way I respond. And then we just take a little bit of a deeper dive into that and go, okay. Yeah, no, for me it was brought to my attention That's from somebody that I care about very, very much, that maybe I should look at the title of aromantic because I don't love all of that mushy.

Vicki: Stuff. I really am very physical based. I'm chemically based. I just want what I want. Right? So for me, it, it did, it, it had me go into a deeper dive and I recognize that I'm not a romantic. My experiences has just provided me with a scenario where I just like my life the way it is, and I want to experience what I wanna experience.

Vicki: But yes, I definitely took a deeper dive into it because it became a term that brought forward.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.[00:20:00] 

Amber: Well, and I think that it depends on, you know, what stage of life you're in.

Amber: What if you do have that normal cycle every month? Where are you in that cycle? Because I can be all of these things, you

Amber: know, I could be a lot of the aromantic tendencies and I love my alone time I don't need the mushy stuff, but at the same time. I'm not mad when my husband comes home with flowers unexpectedly or thinks of me when he stops somewhere and just picks something up that he know , I'll love , so I'm not mad about that of course there's always times where you're horny. I just,

Vicki: Yeah. 

Amber: I think everybody, anyway, most people won.

Vicki: The thing that I don't like about the labels is that it pigeonholes us into being one way, and I, I don't love that. So I think that's why this is an evolving concept , of who we are and how we're showing up in our relationships. And I think from one relationship to another, we can be completely different people.

Vicki: It really can also be about the, what the other person is bringing out in you.

Coralie: [00:21:00] Mm-hmm. I think a lot of times too, as you know, in this 2000. 25-year-old. Well longer than that, but world, everything's been so black and white for so long. You know, this is right, this is wrong, and or

Coralie: you're gay or straight or whatever. And just in the last, few decades, there's really been this. Realization that so many things are on a spectrum, whether it's gender, sexuality, how you feel like, you know what I mean?

Coralie: Like a DHD, like, there's so many things that are on a spectrum, and if we keep trying to do that, pigeonhole it. Like you say, we are doing a disservice to most of the people who either if it's a condition or if it like, you know, like a DH, ADHD or autism or if it's something like this, like a diagnosis of aromantic or something. You're talk, thinking along those lines. You know,

Coralie: everything is on a spectrum. What is, there's very few things. Binary. 

Coralie: Binary, and I don't mean, non-binary. I mean binary code 

Coralie: that's 

Vicki: Yeah, no, I, I couldn't agree more. And I think that, like you said, [00:22:00] we can't put ourselves in one place. I think that we need to be broad and open and be willing to just explore ourselves a little bit more when we hit a road bump or , when we hit a space where we're like, well, wait a minute.

Vicki: Why do I feel the way I feel? It's the inner dialogue and what you do about that is equally as important as the communication with the partner.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: what do you guys think it looks like to date or have sex without wanting romance?

Vicki: Well, I'll tell you, it is freeing and non-committal and non-binding, and it feels, it feels like power.

Amber: Hmm.

Vicki: It just to, to know what you want, seek that, receive it, and carry on. I think that there is so much pressure around romance and I think that frightens me [00:23:00] now and again, that is my experience. It has given me that perspective.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: I know that I've given myself enough times. I have, really dipped into the line of romance and all of those things throughout my entire life with all of my relationships. And I never felt that closeness that I hear other people talk about, which I think is why that person came to me and was like, do you think maybe this is something you should look at?

Vicki: Like even just. To have an inner dialogue about and yeah, it's not bad,

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: but your brain has to be there because if you really are a romantic person and you're looking for love and a mate and a partnership for the rest of your life, that is going to look different also in how you date and who you date and what that looks like and how transparent you are.

Vicki: And sometimes we can be transparent. About our needs and our wants, [00:24:00] and the other person sees a broader picture and they hope for more. And that's not always possible. So I think that we set other people up for failure when we allow them to believe. Or even allow ourselves to believe that we might be able to manage that style relationship.

Vicki: It's a fascinating world.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Whether you're romantic, aromantic, or just vibing with your vibe, you're valid.

Vicki: Your version of connection doesn't need to look like anybody else's

Amber: And you're not broken. You're just brunching through life like the rest of us.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a chair at our unapologetic brunch table today. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. It's like tipping your server, but for podcasts. And hey, sign up for our weekly newsletter using the link in the show notes so you never miss the juiciest, most [00:25:00] unfiltered chats we're serving up.

Amber: Remember, brunch isn't just about the mimosas, it's about the authentic connection and keeping it unapologetically real. Until next time, let's keep the brunch vibes alive and the conversation flowing.