Episode: 36 - The Breakup Blueprint — When Letting Go Is Loving Right

In this episode, we delve into the complexities of breakups, challenging the notion that someone always has to be the villain. We explore the various types of breakups—loud, quiet, overdue, and unexpected—and discuss the crucial role boundaries play in the post-breakup period. Amber, Coralie, and Vicki share their personal experiences and insights, emphasizing the importance of self-discovery, emotional growth, and setting clear boundaries to facilitate healing. Join us for a candid conversation about love, relationships, and why moving on doesn't always mean failure.

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Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] Okay, real question. Why are we still treating breakups? Like someone has to be the villain.

Vicki: Yeah, if they didn't cheat, lie or light your apartment on fire, people act like you have to stay.

Coralie: But the truth is sometimes nothing dramatic has to happen. Sometimes just the bravest thing is admitting this just isn't your person.

Amber: Yep. And today we're talking about all the ways breakups show up, the loud, the quiet, the overdue, and the unexpected.

Vicki: And we're diving into why setting boundaries after a breakup feels like emotional CrossFit, but is 100% necessary.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. So whether you're the one who left, whether you got left or you're just lowkey thinking about it, this episode's for you,

Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. We're diving into real [00:01:00] conversations about sex, relationships, and self-discovery with zero shame and a whole lot of sass. 

Vicki: With over 55 years of combined experience in the intimacy industry and plenty of real life lessons, we are here to break taboos, bust myths, and serve up unapologetic.

Vicki: Real world education, one brunch convo at a time. 

Coralie: I'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. I'm a married mom with one foot in the empty Nest club. My superpower is going deep down rabbit holes and getting to the real root of things. 

Amber: And I'm Amber. I'm based in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom, a G Ma, and proudly blunt.

Amber: I cut through the fluff and get straight to what matters. 

Vicki: I'm Vicki and I'm from Manitoba. I'm divorced reentering the dating scene. I'm a mom to two grownups, and my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust.

Coralie: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in.

Vicki: so why do we stay in relationships? Even when the problems [00:02:00] are obvious? Sometimes it's toxic and sometimes it's just deeply incompatible. Either way, the issues are loud and recurring and you can't ignore them. we stay because of fear. Maybe we've sunk a bunch of money into whatever the relationship was, if it was cohabit or if you travel together or whatever that looks like. Or the idea that all relationships are hard. So this one's just a little difficult and it's a bumpy road and we'll get through.

Vicki: Right.

Coralie: with the sunk cost, I think another thing too, it's not just money, it's the sunk cost fallacy. Like, I've been with this person for 10 years, does that mean I've wasted 10 years? You know, when it's really only a waste if you stay in it longer, you know?

Vicki: learn anything from it

Vicki: and take that with you.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. 

Vicki: Yeah.

Vicki: for sure. So there is a difference between growth and emotional exhaustion as well. You know, sometimes growth can be tiring, right? [00:03:00] We're learning so much about ourselves in a relationship we're we're changing and relationships are ever changing.

Vicki: So sometimes we feel tired. We feel like, gosh, this is so much work. But what's the difference between that and emotional exhaustion? Well, it could be that the other person isn't playing. That's exhausting.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: That is extremely exhausting when you're constantly the one trying to make things happen and reconnect or stay connected, and they're just already out the door, like, yeah, that's hard.

Coralie: Or they're just waiting for you to do it. They might not be out the

Amber: Yeah.

Coralie: but they might not be doing those things that maybe you've been saying for a long time, this would be important to me.

Vicki: Right,

Vicki: and that makes it intentional.

Coralie: Right. Mm-hmm.

Vicki: That, that, and sometimes people wait for somebody else to be the bad guy.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: So being trauma bonded also is not the same as being in love it. It can feel the same. [00:04:00] It can be that sort of, tight interaction that, that immediate attraction, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are in love.

Vicki: It just means that you are both suffering and maybe you have some real similarities and you're bonding based on that. That doesn't mean it's love.

Amber: Yeah.

Vicki: you can recognize dysfunction and still miss the person. I mean, how many people go back to a partner that has been destructive to them repeatedly?

Coralie: I mean, I think too, a lot of times in various situations, not just breakups, but with the recognizing the dysfunction and missing the person, where you could have these two opposite feelings. Both can be true. Sometimes we feel like only one can be true, so we have to figure out which one's right.

Coralie: And then that leads us into just staying in the same cycle. Right? When you can just accept this is true, but this is also true. Everything gets easier.

Vicki: and being frozen is a really uncomfortable place to be. There's no growth when [00:05:00] you're just feeling stuck,

Vicki: right? Whether it's stuck with the decision that you feel you need to make, stuck with the decision that someone has made on your behalf possibly, but at the end of the day, just because you survived it or you thrive through it, it doesn't mean that you should keep living in it.

Vicki: And it's just not something that's necessary, in order to. Feel complete, and I think that's also problematic is when we're looking for somebody else to complete us. Right.

Amber: Well, and oftentimes I find these type of breakups are a lot of, are very blamey, where like, you did this, you did this, and it's very open and out loud and everybody knows what the other person did to that person. And that can be hard. And whether you're breaking up, coming back, breaking up, coming back, now everybody else is getting whiplash, watching it happen.

Vicki: I mean, it's a ton of fun when you're on the outside, but if it's someone you care about, it can be very difficult to be the

Amber: Yeah, [00:06:00] absolutely. Mm-hmm.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: What about the total opposite end of the spectrum there, where you know you have the quiet breakups when nothing's really wrong, but it's also not right? There's no fighting, there's no betrayal. But also no like deep alignment between the two of you. You're not mad. You're just underwhelmed.

Amber: You're settling maybe, and I mean, it might not have been like that at first where you were settling at first. It could have been like super passionate. You loved each other so much, but then this nagging voice in your gut is saying like, Hmm, something's not right. Something's not working.

Vicki: Such a confusing breakup

Amber: Yeah. Right.

Vicki: for you, for the other person, because you're probably having this, this inner conversation that's just messing with you,

Vicki: right? 

Amber: yeah. it's good on paper, but not in practice, or it looks good when everybody else is looking in like, wow, they seem so [00:07:00] happy. They're the perfect couple, blah, blah, blah. And then you're sitting there going, you know,

Vicki: Yeah. But. 

Amber: um, you may stay in this relationship when you know that there's. Not much happening, but you're just gonna stay anyways because again, it, it's, it's easy.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: it's easy to stay, and love can exist without longevity. So know that. So like, you just think about that when you're in a relationship like this where you're just not really connected anymore. You don't, maybe you're falling out of love with that person. You could have loved them in the beginning. 

Vicki: Mm-hmm. 

Amber: It doesn't mean you have to stay in love with them in that you're still in love with them and everybody changes a little bit over time and I think that it's okay to recognize that and say it's the end.

Vicki: Yeah, and what happens if you stay with somebody because they seem right on paper, right? Your friends are all like, this is great. Then we're so happy for you. But then you're really just gatekeeping themself as well as yourself for meeting the [00:08:00] person that is your person.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: That's a bad feeling to, to feel like you're stopping somebody from their complete happiness.

Vicki: Right? So sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

Amber: Yeah, and I don't necessarily think that someone would intentionally do that,

Vicki: No,

Amber: but yeah.

Coralie: Yeah. I think a lot of times when people are going through breakups, a lot of things that happen is reactive, right? There's hurt feelings involved people, no matter how much personal growth and therapy we do. It's so hard not to get defensive right away. Right. And so I think when you're in that sort of cycle, it can be a lot harder to navigate it, it's a cycle.

Coralie: Eventually it's not gonna be like that and it's gonna kind of level out and, um

Amber: Yeah,

Coralie: mm-hmm.

Amber: I think that these kind of breakups can be confusing not only for you, but like for your friends and family who are around you going, why? What happened? Nothing. Nothing happened. [00:09:00] We just fell in love.

Vicki: nothing happened. That's exactly right. Everybody expects there to be this event that's

Vicki: occurred that, that made sense for you guys to go your separate ways. But, it could simply be that the love itself was not meant to have longevity. It was just meant to be.

Vicki: That's okay. And again, remembering what I said earlier about as long as we take something away from that and apply it to our lives again so that we just can get better.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: I think those are probably the easiest breakups to take something away from. When you're not angry and mad and you know you're both leaving amicably, I feel like you could definitely come away with Yeah, we really had a good, a good go. Just didn't last.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: I think that's really important too, if you have kids, you 

Vicki: Oh yeah. 

Coralie: If you have kids, you, even if you hate each other's guts in the moment, your kids should never know, you know? And that can be really hard. And especially 'cause kids are intuitive, which is why you gotta be extra on your game.

Coralie: [00:10:00] But, yeah, it's really great for you and for your kids when you can get beyond that. And I'm sure there's many people who can say, oh yeah, my parents divorced when I was a kid, and they just were at each other's throats my entire life. And that is awful. That is awful. So,

Vicki: Well, you're designing for them what a breakup looks like,

Coralie: mm-hmm. And you're making them feel like they have to be loyal to one over the other. Which is not how any child

Amber: And unfortunately I think that's how most end up happening. I was lucky. My friends thought I lied about it. That's what they saw. I had a girlfriend go, you, your dad's always at your house. You, you lied.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: We, well, he would just come over after school, hang out with us, go home.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: yeah.

Amber: know, 

Vicki: Interesting. 

Coralie: yeah.

Vicki: I, I love that because as Coralie mentioned, the kids are watching

Vicki: And they will take what they've learned on how to maneuver a breakup and they will take [00:11:00] that into their own lives

Vicki: and they become, young adults and dating and breaking up and doing the things, and also how we respond to those breakups in their lives. It does create an imprint on how they move forward.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: interesting.

Coralie: I think too, one thing I've noticed as I've gotten older, because I was the kid whose parents hated each other, right? So it was very different than Amber's experience. And so I have loved seeing, and the first time I actually saw this was when I was a very young adult and my parents had friends that were divorcing and they had kids and they were still best friends.

Coralie: And I was like.

Vicki: What is that?

Coralie: Why don't you hate each other? Like, wait, what? Like why'd you even get a divorce? Like they still live together, like separate parts of the house, but so they could raise their kids and stuff and. That was in my early adulthood. Now, that's more often what I see, maybe not best friends, but when couples who break up who have kids, they are so [00:12:00] much more amicable because they've learned from past generations.

Coralie: You know, maybe they were the kid that was me, and they were like, I'm not doing that to my kids. You know?

Amber: Well, and I love this new way of doing it where the kids stay home and the parents come in and out.

Coralie: I think that's so

Amber: love that. Love that. If it has to happen, that's probably the best way that it can happen.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Yeah, that communal home and

Vicki: then someone just leaves and comes back. I don't know how long that works. I'm gonna be the ne Nelly on this one. I don't, I couldn't have done it. I've been divorced a

Vicki: couple times. 

Coralie: can be. Yeah, I think I could see how it would be complicated once you both remarried. Moved on. You'd have to have

Amber: Yeah.

Coralie: incredible spouses who understood. And I would hope that if you were in a serious relationship, the spouse could come too. Like maybe you have your own separate bedrooms, right?

Coralie: So when the kids have their rooms and there's a mom room and a dad room, so you're not sleeping in the same bed. 'cause that would be weird. But, I think it's great. I [00:13:00] hope it stays good long term for the people doing it. 

Vicki: I love that for them. That's all I'm gonna say. Like, I mean, I love the concept. I think that. I think there's some validity there. I just don't know. I have never seen it in play personally, so I don't, I just, I'm struggling to connect with the idea of,

Vicki: that specifically, 

Coralie: I've only seen it in play on social media, not personally, and typically it seems to be like younger kids. So where I think that that would be the most important time, when they're still at elementary age and then.

Vicki: Yeah. Fair. So breaking up when there's no villain doesn't make you heartless. It just makes you honest.

Coralie: Absolutely. So let's talk about why setting boundaries post breakup is so hard, but also so necessary. first of all, when people break up. we can just be friends. We're just gonna be best friends, and that's often something that is really hard to do 

Vicki: You 

Coralie: [00:14:00] right away. 

Vicki: If you're watching on YouTube, you saw me. You saw my face.

Coralie: Yeah. I think in most cases you're not gonna be ready to be friends. And that also is a very gray boundary. Right? And I think it can be hard with this person who you haven't had as many boundaries with 'cause they've been your partner. And then you're putting, you're going into a situation where you both need to have boundaries.

Coralie: And I think the Let's be friends thing kind of blurs that line. And then also too, when you have the boundaries, you. You can grieve it easier, right? Because it's that hard line reminder when you weren't expecting it and you're going to hit it when you aren't expecting it. You're gonna go to do something.

Coralie: Maybe you want to call your ex because you have a question about your hot water tank, and they're like, oh, they're not my, like those kind of boundaries. They might. Hit you at the hard moments. But if you don't have them, then the grieving process is gonna be longer and more confusing. Staying in contact if you're like still texting every day, talking [00:15:00] every day, uh.

Coralie: That really can keep the fantasy alive and delay your healing, their healing, and make it so you're not ready to move on. You know, those couples that they break up, but they still seem to be intertwined forever. And like a clean break is always better.

Amber: Agreed.

Coralie: break is always the best case situation. Think about it medically, like I think about this as a metaphor, is that if you, have something say ripped apart compared to cut apart, it's going to be easiest to heal it.

Coralie: When it's cut, right where it's ripped apart, you have all these jagged edges. So think of your breakup the same way, and also to remember for most cases, you're not gonna stop loving that person right away. That you might never stop loving that person. You might stop being in love, but you might not, or you might not, whatever, different situations, but you can still have those feelings and say, we can't talk right now.

Coralie: You know, that's really important for yourself, for them. And always remember that boundaries aren't rejection. They are rehab for your nervous system.

Vicki: Yes, yes they are. [00:16:00] I love my boundaries.

Coralie: Vicki, you've been great at setting boundaries. Why don't you share some of your boundary work? Because I have loved it.

Vicki: Yeah, I, uh, I'm all about boundaries. I think it's really important to know what you want so that you can move forward in a healthy way, for yourself first. I think that. There's a piece of that where you have to become selfish. When you are in a split and you are leaving that space, you've gotta create these boundaries that are going to be set up for you to heal in the best way that you can.

Vicki: It doesn't have to suit anybody else. They don't have to work for anybody else. And it certainly doesn't have to serve the person that you're setting the boundaries with. It has to work for you. And I just think that, I have spent the better part of two, two and a half years. Creating and massaging those boundaries.

Vicki: And some of them have changed and some of them have been added. And I think it's a mobile work in, it's a work in progress. It's always in motion because there are always new experiences that are going to provide me with an idea of whether that's something that I want or need in my life.

Vicki: And I do [00:17:00] it with my family, I do it with my friends, I do it with any new relationships that I'm in. I even do it with my dating. You name it, I make sure that I know exactly what I need and want, and that's why I have 55 minute dates. They're called meetings and it's just the way it is. Boundaries are good.

Vicki: That's right. I sometimes times up long before 55 minutes.

Vicki: But boundary boundaries are just important because, , it's the first line of respect for self.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. 

Vicki: And it works in new relationships and it works in breakups and it works with everyone. And the people who don't like your boundaries are the people who don't benefit from you having them.

Coralie: Right. They benefited when you were like la,

Vicki: Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: la, la And I think it can be really hard, and I'm a woman, I'm speaking from a woman's standpoint. You know, I would love to hear from men if they feel the same way, but I feel like as women, we've been raised to be the good girl, to be the people pleaser. And that makes it hard to set boundaries, right?

Coralie: It's something [00:18:00] that a lot of us have to learn as we become adults and we build resentment as we get walked over. Again, younger generations doing it better, but 

Vicki: that is so true. I have to say that I have, young people, adjacent to me and I watch them navigate through setting boundaries, leaving relationships. And I'm so inspired

Vicki: by, by the fact that. It seems like this generation is in a space where they are not allowing their boundaries to be crossed for long.

Vicki: You

Vicki: know what I mean? They've created , these spaces where they're not afraid to move on. It hurts. It's uncomfortable, it's scary. It's all of the same things that I have felt in my life during breakups. There's so much respect in it, it just jazzes me right up because I think to myself, there is a different way and if we just open our eyes a little bit and watch some of our younger generation do, experience and navigate through their life, their boundaries and their breakups, we have [00:19:00] so much to learn.

Vicki: We

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: so much to learn.

Coralie: And I think also too, an important thing to remember is that with the generation doing that they're learning from us, right? Like those are generally our kids. And we learned our boundaries from our parents. We, made adjustments as we got older if what we learned wasn't working for us. And I mean, everything is just generational over the years.

Coralie: Right. So it makes me proud that they're like that, because I know I'm not saying me, but I'm saying this generation of adults in general has made those little steps that have made this movement, that have made those kids go, fuck yeah. Wall up.

Vicki: That's

Coralie: know? And I love that for them.

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah.

Vicki: I agree. You know, it's funny, I never looked at it as a moment of pride. I looked at it as a moment of inspiration, like I was learning from them.

Coralie: And it's true, like I've learned so much from them. But also too, I know that they're watching us too, right? And they see how we handled it [00:20:00] with like our relationships, our parents. I don't know about you guys, but I've had so many talks, especially with my daughter about this stuff and about how times have changed and how I've grown and stuff like that.

Coralie: And um, I love generational cycles, and I love seeing how every generation gets it a little better because of how the last generation adjusted or didn't.

Vicki: Yep. I

Vicki: love that.

Coralie: Just remember, clarity is kindness, and if you really want to honor that love that you had, stop reopening the wound.

Vicki: Hmm.

Amber: Yes.

Amber: So if you're questioning whether it's time to walk away. Or why you walked away. We hope this gave you permission to trust your gut.

Vicki: Not all endings are failures. Sometimes the most loving choice is the one that sets both of you free.

Coralie: Whether it was a screaming match or a whisper in your chest, your breakup was valid and your boundaries are sacred.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If [00:21:00] today's chat made you laugh, think squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip. 

Vicki: Want more juicy, unfiltered conversations? Tap the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter.

Vicki: Your VIP pass to what didn't make it on the air. 

Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about showing up real raw and ready to talk about what really matters. 

Coralie: So until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.