Episode: 38 - Responsive Desire: The Hidden Truth About Women's Libido

Spontaneous desire might get all the attention, but responsive desire—where arousal occurs after stimulation or connection—is much more common, especially among women. Join hosts Coralie, Amber, and Vicki on Taboo Talks Not Safe For Brunch as they dive deep into responsive desire, debunk myths, and offer real-world advice on how understanding this type of desire can improve your sex life and relationships. Learn about the importance of communication, creating connection, and balancing different desire styles without frustration or shame. Tune in for candid conversations, research insights, and practical tips for a more fulfilling intimate life.

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Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] spontaneous desire gets the hype, but for a lot of us, it's just not the whole story. Responsive desire where arousal comes after stimulation or connection is way more common than people think. Today we're breaking down what responsive desire really means and how it can change the way you think about your sex life and your relationship.

 Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. We're diving into real conversations about sex, relationships, and self-discovery with zero shame and a whole lot of sass. 

Vicki: With over 55 years of combined experience in the intimacy industry and plenty of real life lessons, we are here to break taboos, bust myths, and serve up unapologetic.

Vicki: Real world education, one brunch convo at

Coralie: i'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. I'm a married mom [00:01:00] with one foot in the Empty Nest club. My superpower is going deep down rabbit holes and getting to the real root of things. 

Amber: And I'm Amber. I'm based in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom, a gma. And proudly blunt, I cut through the fluff and get straight to what matters.

Vicki: I'm Vicki and I'm from Manitoba. I'm divorced reentering the dating scene. I'm a mom to two grownups, and my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust. 

Coralie: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in.

Amber: If I wasn't instantly in the mood, something was wrong.

Coralie: Yeah, I totally thought like if it didn't hit me like a bolt of lightning, that it wasn't real desire. I.

Vicki: Totally, and it turns out that a lot of us get going because of the connection or touch not before. And that's completely normal,

Vicki: I also think that, , there's a piece of the [00:02:00] knowledge that we sometimes feel like we have or don't have is the fact that a lot of times our male partners especially also think that we should be desirous in the moment and that there, there doesn't need to be a lot of lead up work that happens.

Vicki: And I think that's very detrimental to how we end up feeling that desire.

Coralie: Yeah, sometimes the wind just has to blow and boom, like

Coralie: they're ready and we need the planets to align.

Amber: Well, and I know the planet's aligning is that spontaneous, right?

Coralie: Right. Exactly.

Amber: It's not happening,

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: but not the type of like, slap my ass in the kitchen. That's

Amber: not, that's not doing it. This the nice soft touch and I mean, this might just be for me. Some people might like the slap on the ass in the hallway. I'm not your buddy on the football field. Okay.

Vicki: Oh my 

Amber: you need some of that to get that. Ooh. You know, like, [00:03:00] oh, maybe my, maybe I do want this instead of just a boy, and you're ready. Because women will often need that touch to maybe, Ooh, okay. Yeah. Okay. This sounds like a good idea. Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah, and I think that there's also a really good balance for the most part of the soft touch and maybe the pushup against the wall it can have sort of some assertiveness with some really. Softness attached to it as well. So don't get it twisted that you just can only, you know, soft touching only I, that scares 

Amber: Yeah, I was more referring to like the, oh, let me pass you by in the hallway and slap your ass. And now that's foreplay.

Amber: No. 

Vicki: Fair. I just wanted to make sure that there were men out there going, oh, so I just have to like touch her gently all the time. I will kill you. This is this punch you in the.

Coralie: Okay. We know.

Amber: I need a [00:04:00] aggression. 

Coralie: Um, sometimes too, like we get into this idea that we have to be responding to something our partner does when it doesn't have to be that like you, first of all, what if you don't have a partner? But we can't always put it on them. You could be watching something. You could be reading something, you could be remembering something, you could be having a shower and you get the shower head and you're just rinsing off the last of your shaving cream and you're like, oh, you know?

Coralie: Oh. And you never know. Right? So just pay attention to the next time you do feel that desire. What was the starting point? Pay attention to that.

Amber: Yeah, for sure.

Amber: So let's dive into what responsive desire is. So responsive desire means you don't feel horny out of nowhere. It shows up after you start engaging emotionally, physically, or mentally. So it's common, especially among women, people over 30 and people in long-term relationships. This study was really cool.

Amber: Studies [00:05:00] show that up to 70% of women experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire. Oh, what?

Vicki: No.

Amber: I'm not.

Coralie: I mean, that doesn't surprise me. That doesn't surprise me. I remember when I first learned about this, my mind was blown because I was like, that is exactly, and before that, I thought something's wrong with me. I thought I was broken. And then of course, so, I'm sharing that with so many women over the last decade or two, and they're all blown away.

Coralie: Their minds are blown, you know, because.

Vicki: I also think that the longer you're in the relationship, the more. Of the responsive desire cues, you're, you need,

Coralie: Yes. Because even like when you're early, it might still be responsive, but it doesn't take much,

Vicki: right?

Coralie: you know,

Amber: Right.

Vicki: Yes. 

Coralie: it can be a look, whereas, you know, 10 years in it needs to be a massage.

Vicki: That's right.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. 

Amber: And for men it's approximately [00:06:00] 75% that experience, spontaneous desire, so that it's a flip. It's a

Amber: total opposite. So we feel like, why don't I, why am I not like my partner? If you

Amber: have a male partner. 

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: right. And vice versa. Why are they, why are they not like us? Why is that? Why does 

Coralie: What's wrong with me? That's what they think. What's wrong with me?

Amber: Mm-hmm. 

Coralie: And it's not you.

Vicki: Of course , another instance of us being on completely opposite sides of the spectrum.

Coralie: Right.

Amber: and I think that just like I was just gonna ask you guys this question, but why do you think spontaneous desire gets the attention while responsive? Desire stays quiet? And I think we just answered that with that stat.

Vicki: Exactly right.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Um, I also think too, if you think about entertainment, the entertainment industry. Since it began, it's been mostly men in charge. And what are we watching? We're not watching someone get a slow arousal in a movie. They [00:07:00] just bam, you're doing the dishes. I'm horny. Oh my God, let's go. You know what I mean? So I think Hollywood that's what they highlight because that sells.

Coralie: That's more passionate, someone's gonna buy that. Whereas, it might be like a sleeper hit if it's like the menopausal woman slowly becoming aroused.

Vicki: That's right. That's right. And that's why I think that some of that is super destructive to our psyche as women because we watch it and go, well wait a minute. And then our male partner, our counterparts, might watch it and go. Well, why doesn't she respond that way to me? Right? So that's where the communication comes into play, because again, I mean, I know that we have to teach everybody this, but just because you see it work like that on TV doesn't mean that's how it's gonna work in your home.

Amber: I think it's important not to judge your desire, style, both spontaneous and responsive. They're totally valid.

Amber: Tune into what sparks your arousal, touch words mood, and lean into it. I remember I was speaking to a friend years [00:08:00] back, and I think this was 50 Shades of Gray Time when the books were really hot

Amber: and her husband was like, she could read those any day because all of a sudden they're laying in bed, she's reading her book, she's closing the book, and boom, they're having some fun.

Amber: And he, he is like, woo hoo. 

Amber: Right. So it was that mental, the reading, it was totally not anything that he did.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah. The stimulation is interesting when you are reading something, whether it's erotica or just a romance novel, if you respond positively to that kind of stimuli, yeah, that can be extremely helpful.

Coralie: so let's talk about how responsive desire will show up in relationship. So it really thrives on connection, trust, and feeling safe with your partner. You're always going to respond quicker when you feel safe, when you know

Coralie: that you're connected and everything's safe. And [00:09:00] remember there's the non-sex touching, right? Cuddling, sitting on the couch watching a movie and playing footsies like where you're just touching, but it doesn't lead to anything that is going to help keep your connection up and you're going to learn. Is that kind of touching? Is it going somewhere? Am I responding to it?

Coralie: Because the more you're touched. The more you're going to respond, I think for most people. It can be really tricky when you have mismatched desires, and I'm going to bet most people who've been in a long-term relationship have seen it both ways.

Coralie: Right? It's never parallel. It's very rare to be it can be really tricky. So you wanna find ways to work around that, you know, have some communication around it. I like safe words. I like code words, 'cause then it kind of makes it like fun or not so serious sometimes. I know sometimes when I wanna have a casual conversation with my husband, he's like, thought it's. Gonna be something really serious and he'll stress out. So , I have to be like, oh, I wanna have a good chit chat about this. So we just have ways we word it so that it's like, oh, this isn't like a serious thing, you know? He's just,[00:10:00] 

Amber: It's not that we need to talk.

Vicki: I love.

Coralie: yeah, it's almost as bad as, so I was thinking, I.

Amber: Yeah, I get the eye rolls when I say that.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Yeah. And I think the key to that is, again, having a partner who is responsive to the communication to where you feel safe. And you said it where you feel safe, bringing up a thought or, even broaching a topic that could be potentially spicy or dicey. Feeling safe in your relationship to have those conversations is really, really important.

Vicki: And I think, that's. That's what I'm desirous of is somebody who wants to be collaborative in that space, 

Coralie: Yeah. I wanted to talk about how couples can honor different, you know, desire styles without frustration or shame. And I think that's a huge one. It's basically let's name it, like, let's

Coralie: name it, let's talk about it, because when you name it, you're not [00:11:00] gonna shame it, you know, it's like

Coralie: information. It's not a put down or a slam, it's

Coralie: just information. Right.

Vicki: Or even a request,

Vicki: you know, to be able to feel safe enough in a space to say, this is sort of what I'm thinking about. What do you think about that? And not fearing, retribution or, anger or something, coming of that in a negative way. It's just nice to be able to have the conversation, which I think is cool.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. And I think too, if you're sitting there and you're talking to your partner and one of you says, I'm more responsive, and one of you says, I'm more spontaneous . if you're not in a, like an open-minded place, you could take that as like your partner says, I'm more spontaneous.

Coralie: Like they're saying, so you should be too. When it's not, that's not what they're saying. They're giving you information. They're not telling you are flawed, and same when you

Coralie: say you're just giving them information. 

Coralie: It's not about a flaw. It's not one better than the other. It's information so that you both can work with each other and respond and spontain more.

Amber: I think knowing where both of you [00:12:00] stand, if your partner's more, spontaneous, you're more responsive, having that kind of conversation. Because a lot of times when you have somebody who's more spontaneous, they're gonna be the initiator

Amber: and the responsive one is they're just not

Amber: right. And then. You'll find, and I've talked to so many people where in a relationship their partner's, I'm always the one initiating, this is ridiculous. I'm always the one initiating. But if you have that conversation and you know, you each knew kind of where you stood, they might not be so upset or frustrated, they just know that, it makes it easier on both of you if the one person initiates and the other person responds.

Amber: Now, it does come down to, if you're constantly saying like. gotta talk about it and find ways that are going to get that responsive going. So

Amber: if responsive isn't for touch for you, your partner needs to know that.

Vicki: Right, right.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Totally.

Coralie: [00:13:00] So also too, just some last tips on that is don't be afraid to schedule your sex, especially if you have had that conversation about one of you being spontaneous and one of you being responsive. First of all, schedule and if you are the responsive one. Do things that day to respond to have a shower. You know, do treat yourself really nice that morning. Do a little, you know, take one from Vicki over there and put a little enhancement gel on your doorbell, your little magic spot before you go out the door that day. Read something sexy when you're on your, you know what I mean? If you have it on the schedule, do things that you're going to respond to so that you're not putting it all on your partner. 'cause they are also too, if they're always being the one initiating, oh my God, it's. Gonna feel so good for them for you to like just attack. Right. And then, I know we've said this before too, but don't think scheduling is a bad thing. When you book a trip, you schedule it six months out, or you're not thinking about that trip every day, or you're not getting excited or you're not making little plans.

Coralie: Scheduling sex is the same [00:14:00] thing, like scheduling sex. There should be a movie about that. That would be a good movie.

Vicki: Well.

Coralie: Anyways, and we've already mentioned it, but don't forget the non-sexual touches, like if all the only time you touch is to have sex, it's going to be a lot harder to

Vicki: Mm.

Coralie: have that arousal, right? So,

Vicki: Yeah, absolutely. So let's talk about some ways that we can support responsive desire. And Coralie was just talking about that communication, of course, is king. You wanna talk openly about what helps desire show up for each person so that you're coming to the table kind of knowing each other's cards a little bit.

Vicki: It's like a cheat code, right? Experiment with foreplay that's longer or different than usual. So trying something new, , feeling safe enough to be able to suggest something new, if not scapegoat on us and say, listen, I saw this podcast and

Amber: Well, and foreplay can start way before you're getting to the main event,

Amber: right? [00:15:00] 

Vicki: Yeah. Absolutely. In the morning with the enhancement gel, with the spicy texts all day, whatever that looks like. Yeah. You can absolutely set the tone. Mindfulness and focusing on the moment can also help to overcome the, I'm just not feeling it. Thoughts, you know, , Ugh, eh, I could, but ugh.

Vicki: We talk ourselves outta so much, don't we?

Amber: Yeah, that take it or leave it mindset, it's just like, ugh. So detrimental to our sex lives.

Vicki: Yes. Yeah. And I think, I think that sometimes we talk about, oh, I'm just so tired and I'm just, the day was this and yada, yada. Coralie said it, schedule it, prioritize it, make it a part of the day. It might actually be the place where you get to connect and kind of forget everything, all the craziness of the day that happened.

Vicki: Right. So I do think that's great. So what do you guys think are some ways to make that transition from not in the mood to the hell? Yeah. Even easier.

Amber: [00:16:00] Honestly when my husband will take initiative and clean up dinner that night or you know, something that I would normally do and give me time to get that my mind into that space. Done.

Coralie: Yeah, for me, I know one thing that was a really big change for me was making sure that my bedroom didn't have any pictures of my family in it.

Vicki: That helps.

Coralie: Yeah. And then, I mean, and I don't have the perfect bedroom. I'm so inde indecisive when it comes to paint colors. I got four splotches on different walls, so it's not like this super romantic space, but I have no pictures of my family in there. I have, lighting, like the lamps in there to make it just softer and not so bright. And just kind of just has this romantic vibe and when I need to, change the vibe. It usually means I've been piling laundry up and not putting it away. I just clean it all up [00:17:00] and make it look good again and just. Whatever. And one day I'll choose a paint color one day. Yeah, it's just about the environment of where we are generally being more intimate.

Coralie: It's making it feel good. I don't wanna stare at pictures of my kids. Like I don't wanna open my eyes just in the moment, or I wanna be able to leave my eyes open and I don't wanna

Coralie: see my kids staring at me on a photo. It's just,

Vicki: Yeah. We're no one's fighting you on that.

Amber: No, not at all.

Vicki: Oh my gosh, totally. And I'm all about the, remind me all day. Why it is and what it is, it's gonna happen. I just, I am, we always talk about how I kind of have a membrane anyway, but I like that reminder that I'm desired and I like to know that period.

Coralie: Yeah, I love the all day flirt. Like my husband works 12 hour shifts and

Coralie: sometimes it's just really exciting. Like I feel bad. No one ever go through our texts to each other. You don't want to read them.

Amber: You don't wanna see that.

Vicki: [00:18:00] I always say the person that's been delegated to clean my phone out when I die is she has, she's got a task,

Coralie: I nightstand, but don't look at.

Vicki: right? So tips and tricks. Introduce new sensations slowly. So temperature, play feathers, massage oils. These all work wonders. And then add a little flogger in once in a while.

Vicki: And of course use positive language to frame desire as something that you create together, not just something that magically happens. It's important to remember each partner that this is a collaborative event.

Amber: So responsive desire is more common than you think, especially with women, and it's just as real and powerful.

Coralie: Understanding you and your partner's desire style can save so many headaches and hurt feelings.

Vicki: And knowing desire can be built instead of just caught, makes sex less stressful and way more fun.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo [00:19:00] Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If today's chat made you laugh, think squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip. 

Vicki: Want more juicy, unfiltered conversations? Tap the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter.

Vicki: Your VIP pass to what didn't make it on the air. 

Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about showing up real raw and ready to talk about what really matters. So until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.