Episode: 42 - Managing ADHD's Impact on Sex: Real Conversations and Solutions

Grab your FREE download: https://notsafeforbrunch.myshopify.com/products/adhd-desire-reset-worksheet 

In this episode of Taboo Talks, Not Safe for Brunch, hosts Coralie, Amber, and Vicki dive into the challenges of maintaining intimacy when you have ADHD. As part of ADHD Awareness Month, they discuss how executive dysfunction, mental load, and neurodivergence impact romantic relationships. Whether you're navigating a new diagnosis or looking to understand your loved one better, tune in for unfiltered, real-world insights that break taboos and bust myths around ADHD and sex.

Connect with us!

Sign up for our newsletter: https://newsletter.notsafeforbrunch.com/

Email us your questions or topic suggestions: notsafeforbrunch@gmail.com

Follow us on social:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/notsafeforbrunch
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/notsafeforbrunch/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@NotSafeforBrunch
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@NotSafeforBrunch

Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] Today we're tackling what happens when your brain feels like it has too many tabs open, and sex ends up being one that crashes. It's ADHD awareness month. So we thought we'd talk about how mental load, executive dysfunction and neurodivergence can make intimacy tricky and what to do about it.

Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. We're diving into real conversations about sex, relationships, and self-discovery with zero shame and a whole lot of sass. 

Vicki: With over 55 years of combined experience in the intimacy industry and plenty of real life lessons, we are here to break taboos, bust myths, and serve up unapologetic.

Real world education, one brunch convo at a time. 

Coralie: I'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. I'm a married mom with one foot in the Empty Nest club. My superpower is going deep down rabbit holes [00:01:00] and getting to the real root of things. 

Amber: And I'm Amber. I'm based in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom, a gma. And proudly blunt, I cut through the fluff and get straight to what matters.

Vicki: I'm Vicki and I'm from Manitoba. I'm divorced reentering the dating scene. I'm a mom to two grownups, and my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust. 

Coralie: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in.

So ADHD brains can make intimacy really tricky even when desire is present. I am diagnosed ADHD medicated, so I can walk through all of these and recognize them. One is executive dysfunction. That is when you know you have shit to do, but you can't do it. It's really hard to switch from. A to B, you know, it's really hard to switch from having all your tasks open in your brain to, oh, let's get romantic like that.

It's not like an easy switch. So that's huge for people with ADHD and neurodivergency. [00:02:00] And this next one is something that I don't think that. Is limited to people with ADHD, but the mental load, you know, the mental load that we carry in our lives, we have all these extra responsibilities. We've got work, we've got family, we've got hobbies, we've got relationships.

And I don't just mean our partnered relationships, but friendships, people that we love and care about. So it's all a lot. And so when you have all those tabs open, your intimacy is gonna be deprioritized. It's not because you don't want it, it's 'cause you don't have the bandwidth for it. A lot of the times, and it's funny how sometimes when you can close some of those tabs and you get into it, you're like. Oh wait, I did want this. did need this. Wow. And then another big thing that we deal with with ADHD is time blindness. No recollection of how much time has passed, how long it takes to do something. That's a big one for me is I over underestimate how long a task is gonna take. And so you lose a lot of missed opportunities because you're running with this time [00:03:00] blindness. 'cause you're hyper-focused on something so you are forgetting everything else, outta sight, outta mind. That's huge. And also too impulsivity. We can, if you have a partner with ADHD or you have ADHD and all of a sudden they wing out something that they wanna try or heard about in the bedroom and you're like. Where the hell did that come from? It was one of those tabs, something got into one of those tabs and it's oh, that sounds fun and exciting. And then we might hyperfocus on that for a little bit. So it can manifest to spur the moment, even though you might be responding to something. But also too, at the same time, you can be in the middle of a really intimate moment and then have major distractions coming in.

Like you might be close to an orgasm and then your brain is like, okay, I gotta get groceries. I gotta do this tomorrow. That tomorrow. And you're like, the hell? So it's that distractibility.

Vicki: I am over here having an unmedicated [00:04:00] realization.

Coralie: I said

times. 

Vicki: said.

Coralie: But all of these combined, we can feel like there's something wrong with this. There's low desire, no desire that we're not becoming aroused, but really that's not what it is. It's just kind of like a bottleneck because you have all these things happening and you can't get to the end goal because you got the tabs open, you got executive dysfunction, you're kind of paralyzed all this stuff.

So. How do you think that works in real life relationships?

Vicki: I dunno, apparently, I don't know anything different.

Amber: That doesn't happen to me.

Coralie: Well, it does happen to me, and as someone who's in a real life relationship, let me tell you, I'm so glad that I learned all about this stuff because I suspected I had ADHD for. Decades. Decades. , And literally I have [00:05:00] a, a list on my phone of symptoms, if I think of something from a kid, it's huge. And, anyways, finally got diagnosed Medicaid aid a couple years ago, but even before that, I recognized some of this stuff. I recognized the mental load and all that stuff. And I think that it just involves communication and talking, having to talk to my husband and not talking when we're mad. Don't talk when you're mad. You don't wanna talk about this stuff when you're mad or when someone's feeling like you have a dead bedroom or whatever. You gotta, it's just, it's a lot of communication, but the communication can't happen when you're mad.

Vicki: It's fair. That's fair.

ADHD affects not just the individual's brain, but how intimacy plays out in our partnerships. Even with strong desire, partners may experience some confusion, hurt, miscommunication, and of course, having our intentions misinterpreted is really, really hard. Sometimes your partners can, read your. Your map that you're putting out there is rejection or a lack of attraction. , Maybe they think you're being distant [00:06:00] emotionally, , but. The ADHD brain is just overloaded. It's just, it's too much all at once. , So things like shame can kind of jump into this. We can feel guilt about not initiating or being in the mood.

We, we hear that all the time, you're not in the mood, you don't, you're not interested. Then of course, avoidance. So the partner might feel unwanted, and that just amplifies the shame and more avoidance and just all the things. So normalizing the cycle can help break it.

So again, like Coralie said, talking about it, having communication around it, understanding how ADHD is playing its rollout inside your, your personal relationships. So of course there's also that fear of rejection and hearing no can prevent others from initiating intimacy. So it's kind of like rejection, sensitivity, emotional reactions can be I intense. If a partner misreads the ADHD behaviors, creates a, a feedback loop where intimacy just feels riskier than it is.

Right. I don't wanna ask, I'm [00:07:00] gonna be told No. That makes me feel bad about myself. That makes me feel like I'm not desirable. It's this loop. It's just the worst.

Amber: Well, I feel like that can happen in any relationship though. So like I feel like if people are listening, going, my partner does that, they must have A-D-H-D-I

Vicki: right.

right. 

Coralie: totally. Yeah.

Vicki: A hundred percent right. I mean, we're not pigeonholing everybody into this diagnosis. We're not doctors, but Yeah, a hundred percent. That, of course, there can be variances across the board. So now when we're talking about communication, of course, ADHD can make, verbal and nonverbal SI signals sort of really. Inconsistent. There's, it can be all over the place, which is why I know as me being unmedicated, I'm sure as Coralie said, I'll hold your hand while I tell you, but partners may not know when, , you want sex versus when you're distracted. It can feel really unpredictable [00:08:00] emotionally, and, even if the relationship is strong, it can feel like risky.

It can feel there's a lot, so much uncertainty around it. Your partner, may crave regular sex. So while the ADHD partner's brain struggles to prioritize. So one partner might want it and crave it regularly, and then the other partner is super inconsistent with desire or the desire signals. So understanding each other's needs helps avoid some of that resentment that might build up and boil over. So now that we've talked a little bit about how it affects our intimacy and real relationships, what are some practical ways that, we can work on some of these challenges to make it sex just more accessible?

Coralie: Well, in my own relationship, you know, like I already said earlier, it, it's a lot of communication,

but, circling back to Amber's point that you don't have to have ADHD to, have your brain open all the time and have this full mental load and make it. So that one person is always saying no, and the other one is always [00:09:00] feeling rejected. So something that we did, and this was years ago, was. We had a conversation about what is a, like reasonable amount of sex to have, because I had been undiagnosed huge mental load. My husband heard no more than, I'm not gonna say more than most, I'm gonna say he heard no a lot, and I just was frustrated.

I had young kids, I was trying to do all the things and it wasn't until we really, got over. That those, obviously, there was some anger and resentment on his end and on my end. 'cause I felt like all you want is sex and he felt like you just never want sex. You know what I mean? And so it started with having conversations about it and then having a conversation about what should be normal for us.

Because at that time he was like, well, every day. Because he wasn't getting it all the time. And once we started actually, you know, and I was like, okay, well I think two or three times a week is good. And so it would be like these little things where I would work towards that, make sure I was prioritizing it, make sure I was taking, making the effort to. Close the [00:10:00] boxes and not put all the work on him because he had been putting so much work into it. Whereas I was like, no thanks. Right? So it's really, there's not a easy one. Conversation is gonna fix it. It is multiple conversations. And talking about what your expectations are for both of you, and knowing that could change as well because you know, now I.

I wanna my husband, so the tables have turned right and it never would've happened if we didn't go through those growths conversations and all that stuff. So that's my opinion.

Amber: Well, and I think it's hard, coming from somebody who does not have ADHD and doesn't suspect they have ADHD, . I feel like it's hard to understand people who do have ADHD. So if you're in a relationship with a partner who does, you really have to sit down, maybe do some research, go to appointments together.

Like you really have to dive into that conversation and be committed to all of that when you're not the person that has it. Because it can be exhausting being the person who doesn't have it going, [00:11:00] holy shit, will you just stop? Like, you know what I mean? Where you should come across as having that empathy and trying to understand what it is that, what avenue and that kind of way that they're looking at it and how it's coming through for them, right? 

Vicki: I think perspective is everything. I think seeing it from each other's perspective is exactly what we need to do is, you know, this is how I translate some of these behaviors. How do you translate it when I'm like

this or vice versa. And, I think that, yeah, I mean, and once again, boils down to communication.

Coralie: and I those conversations, they're really great right after you've both had sex, like.

Vicki: Yes.

Coralie: you've both had an orgasm plan, a lunch date or dinner date, whatever, but you do it first. Because then you're going to be so much more open and then maybe you'll do it again later, but it's just a better conversation.

You can't have those when you're mad and you can't, or for me anyways, I can't see something from my husband's point of view if I'm angry, if I'm emotional, if I'm,

[00:12:00] anyway, if I'm not just level, I can't see it from his point of view. And I think that's the way everything can get solved in the world is if we just look at something from someone else's point of view.

Vicki: agreed.

Amber: All right, so what do we do when sex is the tab that keeps freezing? . Here's where we ADHD proof intimacy. All right, so think transition rituals. Think of like hitting refresh instead of waiting for desire to magically pop up.

It's kind of like we talked about in a previous episode where it was like responsive desire. You kind of gotta think of it a little bit more that way. Those tiny rituals that help you get in the mood can definitely help. Externalize the load. So stop trying to hold all those tabs in your head.

Write stuff down, get it outta your head on pen and paper so that you can go back to it. And those are like, they're out of your head. Now the close the tab, right? micro moments count. So intimacy doesn't have to mean a two hour [00:13:00] marathon. It can be 15 minutes. You guys, whatever works for you in between, you know, getting the kids to bed or pack the kids up for school and you're having a fun time before you both head off to work, like whatever that might look like for you.

Those micro moments definitely count

Vicki: Yeah, I'm just thinking about the three and a half minutes in the morning just.

Amber: micro moments.

Vicki: Who needs someone else? Lemme get this, get this done. I'll focus the rest of the day.

Amber: Hey, you might be alone. It might not be with a partner.

Vicki: Yeah, could be.

Amber: communication, definitely. We kind of mentioned that already, right? 

so you wanna reframe as a strength? ADHD equals hyper focus, creativity, novelty, playfulness. Like it can be a lot of fun having an ADHD partner, I'm sure.

Vicki: This is where I have a question. ADHD has that hyperfocused portion if you've got this long to-do list, but getting off is one of them. If you do [00:14:00] that first, does that make the rest of the to-do list easier to take care of? what I wanna know.

Coralie: It. Yeah,

Vicki: Okay.

Just checking. 

Coralie: think even if, so, this is where I think learning about your body can come in so handy because, for a lot of us, when we were first becoming sexually active and learning, about our bodies and how to orgasm, very few women. We're doing it easily, regularly. It would take 20, 30, 45 minutes of stimulation to get to that O when you were first starting out, right? The more you learn your body. So those are the moments where I say, come like a man. You're gonna go get a toy, you're gonna, you know what toy? You're gonna put it in the right spot and it's gonna get you off in under a minute. Those are the come like a man moments. You gotta release the load so your brain can clear. And you can do your stuff better. Those aren't the time where you take your like favorite toy and do the little chacha foreplay settings. No. like a man, get it done. Get in, get off. Get out.

Vicki: We need to make a [00:15:00] hashtag like a.

Coralie: Yes.

Amber: , So what's one ADHD friendly intimacy hack or reframe you'd share with somebody listening right now.

Coralie: This.

Vicki: Fuck.

Amber: If you're not watching on YouTube.

Coralie: Yeah, this is Lelo pleasure serum. And this is what I say, this is what I've said to my husband so many times because sometimes you want to, but your body is , yeah, I don't too bad for you. This is how you take control. So sometimes I'll be like, look, I really want to but my body, even if we'd been making out, doing things for 10 minutes, and still I can tell is gonna take forever. This is the savior. My brain wants to, but my body isn't responding. And I'll, I'll just tell him that. And because we've had the conversation, he doesn't get offended.

He knows I'm all over him, but nothing has happened. is my little hero,

everyone. It is on [00:16:00] the NSFB site. A little dabble, do ya? Don't add too much.

Vicki: No, no,

Coralie: your man apply it, because they tend to think if a little is good, a lot is great. Not true. 

Vicki: That's A magic serum that, I will never live

without. That's all I have to say. Never, ever. Mm-hmm. No. And why would I?

Coralie: Right?

Vicki: What's the point? What's the point? Everybody needs

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Anyway, that's my intimacy hack,

Vicki: yeah, 

Coralie: So if sex feels like the tab you just can't get into, remember, you're not broken. Your brain is just managing a very heavy load, and that means that there's ways to work with it instead of against it. So we'd love to hear your stories, hacks, hot takes all that stuff. Share them with us. Send us a message.

Until next time, close some of those browser tabs and save one for pleasure.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If today's chat made you laugh, think [00:17:00] squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip. 

Vicki: Want more juicy, unfiltered conversations? Tap the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter.

Your VIP pass to what didn't make it on the air. 

Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about showing up real raw and ready to talk about what really matters. So until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.