Episode: 44 - Passive Aggressive Relationshiping: Why the Silent Treatment Isn’t Sexy

Grab your free guide: Fine. Isn’t Fine. — The Passive Aggressive Translator 

Welcome to another episode of Taboo Talks Not Safe for Brunch! Today, Coralie, Amber, and Vicki delve into the ins and outs of passive-aggressive behaviors in relationships and their impact on intimacy and connection. From giving the silent treatment to using sarcasm, the hosts share personal anecdotes and data-backed insights to highlight the importance of direct communication in fostering healthier relationships. Tune in for an unapologetically honest conversation about the complexities of intimacy, relationship dynamics, and self-discovery.

Transcript

Coralie: [00:00:00] Today we're breaking down passive aggressive habits in relationships. They feel really powerful in the moment, but they can leave people more frustrated than connected.

Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. We're diving into real conversations about sex, relationships, and self-discovery with zero shame and a whole lot of sass. 

Vicki: With over 55 years of combined experience in the intimacy industry and plenty of real life lessons, we are here to break taboos, bust myths, and serve up unapologetic.

Real world education, one brunch convo at a time. 

Coralie: I'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. I'm a married mom with one foot in the Empty Nest club. My superpower is going deep down rabbit holes and getting 

Amber: to the real root of things. And I'm Amber. I'm based in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom, a gma. And proudly [00:01:00] blunt, I cut through the fluff and 

get straight to what matters.

Vicki: I'm Vicki and I'm from Manitoba. I'm divorced reentering the dating scene. I'm a mom to two grownups, and my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust. 

Coralie: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in.

Amber: All right, so let's talk about that cold shoulder. Giving someone silence might feel powerful in the moment. It's like, I'm going to make you sit in this discomfort until you figure it out. The truth is silence rarely works the way we hope. For me and my husband, he doesn't give a flying shit.

He's like, she's not talking, she's not bitching. Cool. You know, it backfires on me.

Vicki: Too funny.

Amber: It doesn't make your partner reflect and suddenly understand what's wrong. More often, it leaves them confused or guessing, and usually they're guessing wrong.

Vicki: Yep.[00:02:00] 

Amber: So he's probably thinking like, oh, she's over it. Cool, we're done.

Vicki: Correct, 

because they are. They're no longer hanging onto whatever it was that you

just spoke about. Mm-hmm. Nope., 

Amber: Here's the kicker. Research shows that 83% of people say they've received passive aggressive communication, and 82% admit they've done it themselves. I feel like these numbers are too low. I feel like we've all done it.

Coralie: I

feel like the other like 17% have no self-awareness.

Vicki: right.

Amber: They're lying.

Coralie: Yeah. They just have no self-awareness.

Amber: So I mean, this isn't just a you problem, a mean problem, it's human nature. But it doesn't mean it's healthy. So it feels like you have control in the moment, but in reality it's more like avoidance, right?

That's silent treatment, not saying anything. You're just 

Coralie: Mm-hmm. 

Vicki: Yeah. And it just, and it just leaves everybody sitting in the shit

and no one's saying anything about it. Yeah. There's no point. 

Coralie: And I think also too, [00:03:00] like sometimes. Sometimes it might get misconstrued. Like there's been times where my husband thinks I'm giving him the silent treatment and I'm not. I just, when I have so much going on in my head and I might not be feeling the most positive, I can be very hotheaded and so I kind of retreat, not to give anyone the silent treatment, but because I wanna make sure that I don't ever react to something out of emotion. And so I kind of retreat until I know that I'm not gonna react out of emotion. And sometimes he'll be like, you're not talking to me. I'm like, I just can't. The.

Amber: I mean, I've, I've kind of learned that over time, like my husband needs a decompress moment too, where he, if we get an argument and he like, walks away, I just let him walk away now and he'll come back like, I know he'll come back. But in the past, I would just keep and follow him. I'm following you everywhere I go because I need my voice heard.

Um, but, and meanwhile, [00:04:00] I think he's being, passive aggressive and really he's not. He just needs a deep of breath. So we could talk about it.

Coralie: Right. 

Vicki: Yeah. Chasing them down did Never worked.

Amber: No.

Coralie: No.

Amber: What about the fine, whatever. Do what you want. , Is it actually ever fine?

Vicki: No. No.

Coralie: No.

well, fine

stands for fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional,

so no. 

Vicki: go. I, I think tone matters as well. If I'm saying fine, that's very different than, yeah, no, it's fine. Yeah. I'm fine. You're fine. We're fine. It's fine. Like no big deal. Right. I think tone can matter and I do use the word fine a lot. Um, and, and sometimes I'm really fine. So I try really hard to make sure that I don't use fine in an argument or fine in a dismissive way.

Because really [00:05:00] 99% of the time I'm just fine. Right. So

Coralie: I usually say like, it's all good or No worries. That's what I'll say because it doesn't get misconstrued like Find does.

Amber: Right. 

Yeah, because a lot of times men just know fine is not fine.

Vicki: Right.

Amber: I feel like they're talking, um, passive aggressive can create distance that usually leads to a bigger blow up later. Like a lot of times we'll be stewing and stewing and stewing and stewing and stewing, and then something happens and now we're blowing up on something that maybe has been stewing for months and months.

Coralie: Right,

and you probably are blowing up on something really small and insignificant that has nothing,

that's not important, but it's because the big thing has never been discussed. Right?

Vicki: Yeah.

You know the funny thing about being single, you're fine. Uh, yeah, like there's nobody to argue with. There's never need for an argument. There is no potential [00:06:00] situation in which I'm going to get into any kind of an argument with somebody, so I'm fine.

Amber: Fine. All right. Now there is a better option. You can, if you are like my husband or maybe you're like Corley, you need us pause. You can say that. I just need a break, I need a pause. Can we talk about this later? And don't make later months from now, either that night, the next day, like 24 hours max in my opinion.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: agree. Later. Later is sooner than later.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Yes,

Coralie: me, my later might be like 48 to 72. It depends on the issue.

Sometimes 24 hours isn't enough. And it's not like in that time, like we're not having a conversation. We're not just not talking, you know, it's just we know that there's this thing that we're avoiding because my brain, when it's too full, it's just not good.

Vicki: Yeah. You know what your process time is,

and that's a, that's a preexisting conversation where your partner also knows what your processing time is, right? 

Coralie: And we've been together 30 years, so he's [00:07:00] like used to it.

Vicki: You got this? Yeah. Yeah, he's ridden the rollercoaster more than once.

Coralie: Yeah, uh, he's driving it usually.

Vicki: Yeah, totally. Okay, so let's move on From silence to sarcasm. That's my favorite language. We've all been guilty of throwing out that little dig. Oh, sure. I'll do it since I always do everything around here or something crazy like that. , It's like you wanna say what's bothering you, but instead you kind of like code it and snarkiness and that is kind of problematic because sarcasm isn't. Clever or it certainly doesn't land that way, right? So it lands as contempt. And I had a therapist once who told me that contempt is the root of all breakdowns in relationships when you get to contempt. You're in trouble and that's when you really have to do a lot of work to get it back. So studies show that when people rely on sarcasm in conflict trust, takes a hit. For sure it does. And that's true whether you are in the office or at home. In fact, one survey found that 64% of [00:08:00] people say that they see passive aggressive behavior at least once a week at work.

Coralie: Again. 64. Only

Vicki: Yeah.

Right. Someone's not listening.

Coralie: a week.

Amber: Doesn't understand passive.

Coralie: Ugh.

Yeah. 

Vicki: Totally. So snark is usually code for, you know, I feel unappreciated, I'm hurt, or I don't know how to say this directly to you. So that's something if you're receiving, information and feedback in that way, it's something to just. For us as recipients to say, okay, how can I bridge this? So instead of solving the problem, it escalates things completely.

I don't know if that's true in your relationships, but it certainly has been in mine.

And humor, can diffuse some tension, but not if it's at your partner's expense, right? So you always have to be on the same team. It doesn't matter what the fight's about. You've always gotta be on the same team. I read something the other day that it was a [00:09:00] comment, I don't know, a meme or something, and it basically said that the coolest flex is being in an argument with your partner. And when one of you says something along the lines of, we may be in an argument and have a differing opinion, but we're still on the same team. So that literally is that statement of, this is not pulling us apart. This is a conversation that will bring us back together even if we do a little, you know, a little roundabout. So anyway, that was a side trip.

Coralie: I love that. 

Vicki: Better option. Swap the jab for a request. I'm overwhelmed. Can we split this up? Can we divvy up the duties? Can we have this conversation at a later date? Whatever that looks like. Let's again be on the same team.

Amber: I just saw TikTok about, , it was a man who, I guess they flipped roles because they had an argument about something or another, and he flipped into the role that she did so he went into the kitchen like he was doing all the [00:10:00] kitchen stuff and he planned and cooked the meals and did the groceries and did all the things for a whole week.

And he's like, you could have this back, like it settled the, whatever the argument was because he was like, you're just finished one thing. And he goes, the worst part is actually planning and trying to figure out what exactly you're gonna have, and then you're just figuring out one thing. And then somebody needs to be fed breakfast, and now you just get that cleaned up and now we're feeding lunch and now.

So I love how they didn't go passive aggressive and they just swapped rolls.

Vicki: Yep.

Coralie: Hmm. 

Vicki: Let's see how this works out for each, each of

Amber: Yeah.

Vicki: I like it.

Coralie: I saw, a therapist on TikTok like a long time ago when she said something that struck with me maybe a year ago. She said something that struck with me and she was saying that she was a new therapist and she had a couple that was sort of in a similar situation and she didn't feel like she was making any progress with that couple. And so she talked to the older therapist in her practice and they said [00:11:00] to. Tell the wife to write down a list of everything she does and give it to the husband. And so this therapist went there and thought about it, and she's like, I feel like that's been done. And it, and it doesn't work. So she told the husband, watch your wife for a week.

Write down every single thing she's doing. Then take over because it's only then like if we have to write the list, then we're creating more work too, right? And so it's, then it just circles back to like, I don't think a lot of times people realize whoever it is doesn't have to be the mom, but someone in that household is carrying the extra load and the other person doesn't really realize it until they've been in their shoes.

Vicki: Yep.

Coralie: And that was more effective for that couple than the typical, what we hear about is, you know, make a list for your partner because usually the person carrying the mental load. It's all in their head and putting it into a list is just more work. And the person who isn't doing the planning, like the planner, who's the person who's planning the dinners, planning the groceries, planning, if [00:12:00] you have kids when they have to be here or there, the people that aren't doing that don't realize how that can affect the stress that that puts on the person doing it.

So

just, yeah, that story just. Remind me of that. 'cause a lot of arguments end up that way because that's something that hasn't been talked about until the last decade or so, is the mental load

 so if silence doesn't work and sarcasm doesn't work, what does work? The real power move is in being direct. And I know it feels awkward for a lot of us. Direct communication feels risky. Most of us as women haven't been raised in environments where we're told to speak up, to speak our mind, right?

So it can be harder to have that direct communication and. You know, you think, what if I say what I need and the other person says no. What if they get mad? What if I sound needy? These are the kind of thought processes that drive us back into being passive aggressive. But research, you know, I love science. Research consistently shows that couples who [00:13:00] practice clear communication and things like I statements. And active listening report significantly higher relationship satisfaction. And it makes sense because you can't solve a problem you won't name. And I think the I statements are so huge because for most of us who haven't done, you know, personal growth, healing, and it didn't raise, weren't raised in households that spoke like this or that said to, I, a lot of times you're raised in a, you did this, you, you, you, and no matter what, you do that and that person is gonna get on the defense. So you have to take that outta your argument and turn everything into me.

I, and I know we're like, don't talk about yourself. This is not the time. Okay. You are talking about you. So even if they're doing something you're not gonna say you're doing this, you're gonna say I feel like

I feel disrespected when you do that. I feel this, you know, you, you wanna take the I statements for both of you and listen to their I statements. So when you're in those [00:14:00] moments, pause. Name the feeling, which I know can be hard because when you're so riled up, sometimes you don't even know how you're feeling. You just know you're mad. And mad isn't really, it's not close enough. You know, are you mad? Is it disrespect that's leading you?

Like what is leading you to feel that way? So pause, name the feeling, and then make the request of like, say, can we talk about this later?

Vicki: Yeah, I feel like mad is almost an action as opposed to the feeling

Coralie: right. 

Amber: To 

Vicki: because something. 

Coralie: Right.

Vicki: You felt something and that created anger or

mad. I don't know. That's

Coralie: I agree. I totally agree. I think mad is the result.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: You know, it's like mm-hmm. I like the example swap idea because instead of, don't worry, I'm just gonna do it myself. Being like, I feel stressed. Let's split this up. Tackle it. I know it's so much easier as a, I'm gonna do it myself, girl. [00:15:00] I know

it's so much easier, but it's not in the long run. Mm-hmm. It's not in the long run. And so you have to find ways to work around that and to learn to pass some of this on. Sometimes, maybe not in that stressful moment, 

because it can be more stressful to give some of what you're doing to them. But when that moment's done, and, it's a pattern, it's a circle that comes back, every time this situation happens, we get into this, you're gonna talk about, okay, next time, how about I do this, you do this, and then we're gonna handle that situation better. It's important to. Recognize it when it's happening and have the conversation about it when you're not stressed and you can be like, this is what I need, and they can do the same thing.

Vicki: Yeah, I worry about how. Both men and women, can take on so much , if they have a service mentality and they want to do the things and let me take care of that and let, I'll do that. Don't worry about it. I'll do that. Don't worry about it. And then it takes. Some of the stress and the activity off of one [00:16:00] partner, but then everything lands on the other partner and then their shoulders aren't quite wide enough to carry that load.

And then they're feeling super rundown, stressed, and then they have that moment of freak out or anger or whatever that, and meanwhile, it's just all of this stuff that they've tried to offload. You know, this happens when we're in relationships with people who need to feel needed. And then suddenly they are needed.

So much so, and someone has offloaded on them some tasks and then now they feel taken advantage of. But they created that right and that works both sides.

Coralie: Yeah. It totally does, and I think I can speak to that personally because I was that person. Like, I just took on doing all the things I really loved, you know, when my kids were young and in school and I loved doing all the things for them, you know? Yeah. Sometimes it was annoying,

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: but I worked at home, my husband went out, so I just naturally did take in all this stuff and I liked cooking and I, you know, so I just did all [00:17:00] that and I didn't realize.

Until decades later, how much that I was taken on. And it's quite funny because, with my health issues last year, quick little catch up. I had a bowel rupture last fall, six months in an ostomy and had surgery again. That is what made me. Put all, like everything went on to my husband, everything. None of it was on me. It all went on to him. And now it's very 50 50. And what I've noticed, and we've had conversations about it, is I've noticed, I feel lighter he doesn't,

but he's feeling light all those other years, you know what I mean? We're working on the emotions and stuff with it, but like, he didn't realize how much I was carrying.

'cause now I'm not doing all that planning. And so then he's like, it's just a lot for him,

but I feel better.

Vicki: Someone has to.

Coralie: Yeah. You know? That's [00:18:00] just how it is. So pass it off early so it doesn't take like a life or death situation.

Vicki: It's true.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. One thing to remember is. No matter how awkward it is, honesty is always going to be better than not saying what you wanna say and letting that resentment simmer. And I

think sometimes, a lot of times we don't say what we wanna say because we don't know how we wanna say it.

Like we wanna make sure that we are saying it in a way where the person hears us and hears what we're trying to say.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: That chat GBT.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: How do I say this without sounding like a bitch? How do I say this without putting the person on the defense, you know, and they're gonna give you points, like sometimes we gotta learn how to communicate, but, always better to be awkwardly honest

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: than let the resentment just simmer on the stove.

Mm-hmm.

Vicki: I think so too. And I think that what can happen is that when people [00:19:00] tell other people. Something in a way that they think that they want to hear it, it's, it falls flat, it gets missed. I don't, need people to be direct. Direct. I need to hear it the way you mean it. 

Don't, don't tell me what you think.

I wanna hear. , Tell me what you think and feel, and then I can adjust how I act on that. That's my choice to do that. Right?

So, yeah, please tell me, tell me the things.

Coralie: Yeah. Well, I think it's not about switching it, so it's what you want to hear. I think it's about making sure what you're saying is being said in a way that it's going to be heard, how you meant it. 'cause sometimes when you're speaking out of emotion,

you're gonna just spew it out that you're like, oh, that was an inside thought. You

know what I mean? 

Vicki: But if you're feeling passive aggressive, it's gonna be really easy to just tell somebody what you think they wanna hear.

Coralie: yeah, for sure.

Vicki: You know, so it's like, I don't need that. Nobody 

Coralie: Hmm. And it's gonna be said with sarcasm?

Vicki: That's [00:20:00] right.

Amber: So passive aggressive may feel powerful, but it never gets results.

Vicki: Snark makes you feel clever, but it kills connection.

Coralie: and clarity might feel uncomfortable, but it is the fastest way back to trust. .

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If today's chat made you laugh, think squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip. 

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Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about showing up real raw and ready to talk about what really matters. So until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.